Monday, June 29, 2020

The Candy Snatchers, A Perfect Plan Schmuck Style

We've seen it all before, not just in the movies. Losers in life's lottery believe they have the perfect plan. What follows is a stark realization that one's misfortunes in life are less because of class inequality and more because of stupidity. Hence our malignant trio in 1973's "The Candy Snatchers." Directed by Guerdon Trueblood, this surprisingly mild crime thriller is one of the most talked about drive-in epics of all time.
Pretty blonde Catholic high school girl Candy (Susan Stennet) is grabbed by three kidnappers. The trio is lead by the beautiful dame Jessie (Tiffany Bolling). Her two cohorts are her vicious brother Alan (Brad David), and muscle man Eddy (Vince Martorano). Two stupid guys and a stupid babe...yeah...what could go wrong? They bury Candy in a coffin equipped with a pipe for air. Now the brilliance starts. They notify Candy's dad, Avery (Ben Piazza). Avery runs a jewelry store and has access to a lot of diamonds. The idiots didn't see four year old Sean (Christopher Trueblood) hiding in the bushes...watching the burial. Uh oh...Sean is mute and may have a number of impairment issues. His ability to help may be severely limited.
Now it starts...of course. Jessie and Alan want to carve Candy up and send her in pieces back to her dad. Eddy falls in love with the almost nubile hostage. Even worse...Avery is glad Candy is gone and doesn't want her back. Now our trio are left with the opportunity to enjoy each other's charm and figure out what to do with the high school babe hostage. Sean? He tries his best but his parents are evil and wish he hadn't been born. Avery is boinking his salesgirl Lisa (Phyllis Major). Candy's mom...two sheets to the wind. Now Eddy envisions romance with Candy and Alan and Jessie figure on murdering the girl. Now Eddy rapes do you think this will contribute to team unity? Poor Sean man's up and makes an attempt to help Candy...the effort will be a sad one.
Does Candy have any prayer at surviving the wrath of her three kidnappers? Will our three idiots kill each other off or do they indeed have a wild prayer at success? Just what is Avery's motivation for desiring the kidnappers to knock off Candy? This is classic 1970s cinema especially for you grindhouse and drive-in fans. Some may be disappointed at the tameness of a film that could have been gratuitous and gory to the max. "The Candy Snatchers" is a grim crime thriller that will remind you of some of the schmucks in your life.

Saturday, June 27, 2020

Paranormal Xperience 3D, Spanish Babes, Hunks, and a Lunatic Ghost

It is an old recipe that transcends borders. Babes, hunks, carnage, pre-marital sex, gore, and some otherworldly influence. This even works in Spain! Which brings us to 2011's "Paranormal Xperience 3D," directed by Sergi Vizcaino. The cheese and beef are quite impressive, though most of them will end up quite torn apart. Perhaps a statement of the carnage today's European youths face...or maybe just an old fashioned ghost/slasher film.
Angela (Amaia Salamanca) and four of her buddies are about to fail a college course. The professor (Miguel Angel Jenner) has a deal for them. Go to Susurro and see if it's ghosts are talking. They agree...bad idea. See, Susurro is an abandoned mining town. In 1963, the town doctor tortured and killed 20 of his patients. He kept killing after he died. The townsfolk sealed him in the mines where he presumably died...though his body was never found. Angela brings her younger sister Diana (Alba Ribas), as she has a van big enough for all the equipment. Skank Belen (Ursula Corbero) also joins them as well as hunks Jose (Max Iglesias) and Angela's BF Carlos (Luis Fernandez). Oh yes, the tech guy, Toni (Oscar Sinela).
The gang finds the mine immediately and Toni picks up weird readings on the equipment. Uh oh...Diana hears screams that no one else does. Uh oh again, Diana also hears the torture doctor summoning her. Bad news, Angela and Diana have a ghastly backstory that may be driving the ghost. Even worse, the doctor manifests himself and has a way of killing that will make you all wince and cover your eyes. As torture, mutilation, and lobotomies abound, Diana seems to be pulled into madness. Now Angela must come to terms with the evil that beset her and Diana many years ago. As the hunks and babes begin dying horribly, ther is an indication that our ghost may not be the only culprit in Susurro.
The cast is great looking and die well. The ghost doctor is menacing and is always equipped with steel hooks or spikes. Will Angela and Diana reconcile the evil that beset them as little girls in time to fight the ghost? Will any of our hunks and babes be skewered while in the throes of pre-marital sex or in a gratuitous shower scene? Is this film a prophetic statement of the ineffective and misogynistic European higher education system? This is a good old fashioned plot that will surely please. For some good gore, beef, and cheese, see "Paranormal Xperience 3D." 

Thursday, June 25, 2020

Isle of the Dead, Zombie-Fest Syfy Style

Fans of Syfy (The Asylum) films are going to love today's feature. We have billions (okay, maybe thousands) of zombies, a mad-scientist, a SEAL team filled with hunks (most will die horribly), a babe SEAL, and a sultry CIA scientist. In 2016's "Isle of the Dead," the damage done to zombie movies and TV by "The Walking Dead" is put on hold for 90 minutes.
A top secret military biological warfare laboratory is out of control. The island complex is overrun by their experiments...zombies. Trying to weaponize the Ebola virus has its the scientific team finds out. Ten years later a SEAL team is sent in to recover the data for the experiments and possibly survivors. The SEAL team is all hunks except for Asian babe Duggan (Sydney Viengluans). Duggan is bad-a** and looks like the perfect fodder for a series of graphic novels. This won't be the case as the team is beset by zombies and this beauty is the first to go...ouch! Lt. Paul Graham (Joey Lawrence) leads the SEAL survivors to the laboratory. Also along for the ride is the beautiful blonde CIA scientist Mikeala (Maryse Mizanin). She is a no-nonsense, kick-boxing babe...and a scientist.
After fighting off more zombie hordes, the team reaches the lab and meets...a survivor! Wexler (D.C. Douglas). He was head mad scientist, the Dr. Fauci of his time. Wexler has survived...sort of. In reality, he was bitten and has been drugging himself in order to hold off becoming a full fledged zombie. Oh yes, he has made some of the zombies semi-intelligent and also has some anomalies locked up. The anomalies are super-zombies that are bigger and more vicious. Uh oh...Wexler continues his experiments on the SEALs (ala Dr. Fauci). Now the anomalies get loose and the sultry Mikeala tries to figure out...I don't know, something scientific. We'll see Mikeala in some gratuitous kickboxing matches with zombie hordes...which is quite uplifting. Now the SEAL survivors and Mikeala try to escape the island'll see.
Did Duggan's early death in this film kill its chances at Oscar nominations? Will a zombie Duggan and the sultry Mikeala end up in a twisted cat-fight? Is Wexler a mere cryptic foreshadowing of Dr. Fauci? This might be one of the best films made by The Asylum. Some cheese, some beef, explosions, a nuke or two, and one mean mad-scientist make "Isle of the Dead" (directed by Nick Lyon), a must-see. 

Tuesday, June 23, 2020

Colour from the Dark, The Evil that Gets Inside You

1943 Italy! Beautiful and horrific. As part of the Axis, this country is thrown into war. Its seemingly noble young men are shipped to north Africa to fight the English...and then General Patton. This won't go well. Alas, Italy chose the wrong side...and consequences abound. All that evil Nazi Germany wrought is now shared with a submissive partner in crime. As most of Europe can be seen as complicit in the attempted extermination of the Jewish race, a weird and all encompassing evil is ready to spring forth...from a well. Hence Ivan Zuccon's 2008 adaptation of an H.P. Lovecraft story, "Colour from the Dark."
Evil has indeed enveloped a continent and most of the world. Young Alice (Marysia Kay), a mute girl, is drawn to the farm's mysterious well. Something in the well is ready...and a veritable portal to Hell seems to be opened. At first the madness and horror appear good. Crops become bountiful, and the in-firmed are healed. Lucia (Debbie Rochon) and Pietro (Michael Segal) run the farm and the new well water seems to have put eroticism into their marriage. As 1943 will eventually see the tide turning in World War 2, the flavor of the farm will also turn sour. Most notably, the beautiful Lucia will turn quite ugly as possession makes her into a satanic monster.
Theresa's transformation is a special f/x masterpiece and quite horrific (there's that word again). The beautiful Debbie Rochon will be turned into a vile monster. The evil from the well gains a foothold and turns aggressive. Gore and sexual perversion will take over this farm that once belonged to a sweet, hard working family.  A failed exorcism will unfold into a gore-fest and taboo sexual desires will explode. Anything good or sweet will be attacked and raped (in a figurative sense). Lucia's possession will not remain localized, and Italy may never recover. A backstory of a Jewish woman, who is exterminated, serves as a bleak reminder that the evil in the well may emanate from a more local source than Hell.
The fate of Pietro and Lucia's family and farm may be a metaphor for Italy's fate after joining forces with Hitler. Will our sweet and beset farm family be able to shake free of the evil from the well? Can anyone claim innocence for the horror that nearly wiped out the Jewish race in the 1940s? Is this film an attempt to warn us all of un-repented sin, either in a divine sense, or in our personal journeys? This is a humorless and grim horror tale with much gratuitous gore and uncomfortable eroticism. Not the feel good film of the 21st century, but perhaps an appropriate capsule of the horrors of 1943 Europe. See "Colour from the Dark," and then take a look into your mirror. 

Sunday, June 21, 2020

Night Killer, Giallo Hits Virginia Beach

Along about 1990, some sleazy Italian horror films were made at American beaches. Not too far from where I live, Bruno Mattei and Claudio Fragasso gave us 1990's "Night Killer." Shot in Virginia Beach, this one has the deranged eroticism of Giallo but in the U.S. The wild plot with twists and a schizophrenic damsel are plot devices we need to see more of. Rape, torture, mutilate, and kill are four words that will guide us through this slasher epic.
A slasher sporting a grotesque rubber mask and a claw rapes, tortures, mutilates and kills two beautiful dancers during rehearsal. He isn't done. The sultry Melanie (Tara Buckman) is at home doing what she does best...taking her top off and fondling herself. Her phone rings and its the killer...he's in the house. He straps her to the bed, rapes her, humiliates her, and doesn't kill her. Why? You'll see this scene later during the reveal. Now she's traumatized with total amnesia. She doesn't remember her own name. Oh yeah...she's also diagnosed schizophrenic. Enter Axel (Paul Hooten). He's a sex pervert who follows Melanie into a ladies room. She gets the drop on him and humiliates him. Not to be outdone, the naked Axel follows Melanie to a beach where she attempts suicide.
Okay...believe me...the above plot description is accurate. It gets crazier. Axel turns out also to be a crazed and perverted psycho. He saves Melanie from suicide and abducts her. She is now his prisoner. He'll tie her up to bedposts, cut her clothes off, and make her beg to be raped. He'll rape her and humiliate her some more.  Meanwhile, more beauties are being raped, humiliated, and impaled by the clawed menace. Now Melanie's schizophrenia makes her compliant to the pervert and even dependent on his abuse and humiliation. Uh oh...Melanie, now lost in her schizophrenia may be as dangerous as Axel.
Wait! Is Axel the clawed killer? Who is in more danger, Melanie or Axel? If Axel isn't the killer...then...well, you'll see. This is a wild one in which everyone is insane. Beautiful woman will be tortured, raped, and horribly killed...ala Giallo. This is one to stroke your prurient interests with eroticism, gore, and gratuitous nudity and sexual warned. For a horrific orgy of slasher fare, see "Night Killer."

Friday, June 19, 2020

Beg, A Victim Too Far?

What can stop a perfect serial killer? After 25 years in law enforcement, this is an easy question. Arrogance and mistakes. We all make them...even the most evil among us. In 2011's "Beg," a vicious machete killer goes through Massachusetts beauties (yes, there are some) like crap through a goose. What's more...guess who is in this...Debbie Rochon, Tony Todd, P.J. Soles, Michael Berryman, Tiffany Shepis, Tony Moran, Kristina Klebe, and so many more.
Detective Jack Fox (Tony Moran) is a hero. He single handily captured a vicious serial killer a few years back (Michael Berryman). Uh Salem, Massachusetts, a new one has come to town and he takes apart dozens of nubile beauties (yes, stop it, Massachusetts does have some). His gig...he slashes them with a machete, but not enough to kill them. He then gets off on hearing them beg...then he finishes them off. He kidnaps Alice (Shepis) after a gratuitous shower scene and keeps her alive because she begs well. He'll massacre a bunch of scantily clad coeds in a sorority house, campers, cheerleaders, hot tub babes, and more high school beauties (yes, they have them in Massachusetts). In a humiliating move, Fox is taken off the case.
Enter young detective Steve Ryan (Branden Stumpf). Oh yes...also enter Mary Goodwin (Rochon), a 400 year old witch..she still lives in Salem. She's sultry, but 400 years ago Massachusetts had babes...before they burnt them all...okay, sorry. The nubile are tortured, humiliated, and ripped apart usually after gratuitous scenes exposing much flesh. Steve begs Jack to join him to catch the killer. He finally agrees, but the babes (probably actresses imported from other states) keep getting ripped apart after torture. Then there's Mary the witch, even after 400 years, still has it. Exactly what is she still doing in Salem?
Will this new killer who gets off on being begged make a mistake? Will Jack's expertise help Steve crack the case? Does Mary have any surprises for 21st century Massachusetts, just like she did for 17th century Massachusetts? This is a gory and gratuitous one. You'll never be more than a minute away from a vicious scene of torture and murder or a nubile babe in some form of undress. For a film that will tickle your prurient interests, and also give you that ever inspiring sorority house massacre, see "Beg," directed by Kevin MacDonald.

Wednesday, June 17, 2020

Death Laid an Egg, Chicken Mutations and Lingerie Clad Vixens

Why don't we have more movies about chicken mutation monstrosities mixed with lingerie clad vixens...and throw in a slasher? Italian horror is strange but this strange? Today we look at 1968's "Death Laid an Egg," directed by Giulio Questi. True, the lingerie is quite alluring, though most of the babes wearing it will die horribly...hey, it's Italian horror!
Anna (Gina Lollobridgida) owns a massive chicken farm. She is the brains behind the operation. Her husband, Marco (Jean-Louis Trintignant), technically helps runs it. Marco, however, is busy murdering prostitutes after kinky sex games to pay much attention to what's going on at the farm. Enter Gabrielle (Ewa Aulin). She's a babe and we get some gratuitous bikini shots of her. Oh yes, Gabrielle has been taken in by both Anna and Marco to do...well...chicken farm stuff. She will actually act as the extra-marital fling for both Anna and Marco. As the prostitutes keep getting slashed, Gabrielle and Marco are able to sneak off together. Meanwhile, when not having fun with Marco, Gabrielle has fun with Anna.
As the chicken farm begins yielding these headless and wingless monstrosities, Anna finds out that Marco is into whores. She decided to get all shored-up and begin a life as a whore, too.  Gabrielle acts as her coach and dresses her in some naughty lingerie. Enter the new chicken farm publicist, Mondaini (Jean Sobieski). He has some great ideas to publicize the farm's chickens. He even throws a party for the chicken association executives complete with a rape and sex room. Gabrielle will have an interesting time with this. Okay, as Anna begins her career as a whore, Marco heads back to the hotel with his straps and knife. Meanwhile, Gabrielle may have some sordid ideas of her own.
Will Marco's penchant for cutting up prostitutes collide with Anna's new prostitution hobby? Will Gabrielle ever arrange a threesome in the hopes of getting Marco and Anna back together? Will the mutant chicken monstrosities grow in number and eat the weird trio? Strange? Oh yes. This film served as the original inspiration for the Chick-Fil-A franchise. So eat more cheeseburgers and enjoy the Italian horror epic, "Death Laid an Egg."

Monday, June 15, 2020

Deadly Strangers, Sex Crazed Psycho and The Parent Trap

You Hallmark fans love Hayley of "The Parent Trap." You horror fans who love gratuitous bath and lingerie scenes will also love Hayley Mills...all grown up. Yep, in 1975's "Deadly Strangers," our former child star, turned nubile damsel in much distress, will have some naughty scenes as she tries to avoid the slashes of an escaped lunatic. Today we look at a British thriller that may change the way you remember Ms. Mills.
A beautiful nurse is sexually assaulted and viciously murdered as a homicidal lunatic escapes from a British lunatic asylum. Enter Stephen (Simon Ward), he's now on the run and he seems to be quite the pervert...not! Also enter Belle (Mills). Her car has broken down and needs to get to the train station to catch one to her childhood home. Stephen, practically drooling, sees her. She stops into a diner and is fixed up with a ride to the station with Jim (Ken Hutchison) the truck driver.  This won't go well. After catching a glimpse at Belle's legs he tries to rape her. After being pummeled, Belle escapes and is sprawled in the middle of the road. Jim takes off and driving up to save the day is the pervert Stephen. She accepts a ride, even though he reeks of gin.
The two begin their relationship in an adversarial manner. After introductions are made we get an indication that Stephen is mis-representing himself. He'll get to gawk at her legs. Now the duo stop for gas on the way to the train station. Stephen peeps into the women's lavatory and watches the sultry gas station attendant (Nina Francis) change clothes. Before the duo depart, the beautiful gas-jockey will be sexually assaulted and murdered. Oblivious to all this, Belle catches a nap in the car. Now Stephen arrives at the station but tells a fib...the train has departed (no it didn't). Now Belle must spend more time with the pervert. Uh oh...we catch glimpses into Belle's backstory'll see.
Twists abound and one may even ask if Stephen is the killer? As the cops close in on the duo, daring escapes and more violence will keep them on the run. Might Stephen not be the killer? If Belle is the homicidal lunatic, why is she sexually assaulting her beautiful victims?  Is the relationship, that seems to be fostering, between Belle and Stephen a good metaphor for modern day courtship and hook-ups? Erotic and salacious, "Deadly Strangers" will show you a different side of Hayley Mills and you may not like it. For a gratuitous and twist-filled slasher film, enjoy "Deadly Strangers," directed by Sidney Hayers.

Saturday, June 13, 2020

WrestleMassacre, Body slamming the Gore

A hulking wrestler picks up a fat midget and body slams him...then impales him with hedge-clippers. The newest Cate Blanchett film? Nope, even better. From 2018, the low-budget  WrestleMassacre. Yep...just like a Meryl Streep film, fingers will be ripped off, heads will be ripped in half, spines will be ripped out, brains will be pulled out, breasts will be ripped off, and limbs will be...well...ripped off. All this will be delivered with body-slams, choke holds, metal folding chairs, tables, and fingers to the eyes. Let us take a look at this Brad Twigg epic.
Randy (Richie Acevedo) is an awkward landscaper going nowhere in life. He would rather be a pro-wrestler, but fate hasn't smiled on him...nor will it as the film unfolds. After doing a peeping-tom thing on a big breasted babe in the shower, he is fired. Becky (Rosanna Nelson), is a babe who has showed him kindness in the past. Randy takes his life savings and tries to enroll in a wrestling school. He's humiliated by the staff and sent home. His own dad, a former wrestler, then rejects him. He goes insane and dons some tights and knee pads...and goes on a killing spree.
He'll go through dozens, all in gory fashion. Body slams and ripping heads off are his favorite moves. He'll revisit the wrestling school and leave it in a mess of internal organs and blood. He'll revisit old employers, and customers...and they won't fare better. The trail of shredded corpses will lead to the beautiful Becky. Uh oh...Becky has her own problems with a worthless husband (Julio Bana Fernandez) and a sleazy crime-gang. As the bloody conclusion approaches, a midget will be slammed and impaled, other goons will be turned inside-out...and the nubile will be endangered.
Will Randy end up with Becky, either willingly or in the form of a conquest? Is there any stopping the psycho-wrestler? Could Gail Kim or Awesome Kong have fared better against Randy? Gory and gratuitous...whether it be shower scenes or dissection scenes, this film will surely gratify.  So feel free to bug out on the Cate Blanchett double feature and enjoy WrestleMassacre.

Friday, June 12, 2020

Debbie Rochon's Kill-Devil Rum-Ble, Coffee Review

Debbie Rochon is one of today's most versatile and profound horror actresses. The lovely beauty is responsible for so many scares and fine films. Her movies have graced this blog often. How many of you know she has a coffee? I found this out by accident and immediately ordered some. Coffee Shop of Horrors distributes many fine blends, including the sweet and deliciously macabre Kill-Devil Rum-Ble by Debbie Rochon . A major league babe in horror filmdom, Debbie Rochon has also made a coffee...I'm sold already...but is this coffee any good? I tried it...and here is my verdict.
My admiration of Debbie Rochon has limits. I would not have purchased veggie-burgers or cucumber shakes from her. However, Ms. Rochon doesn't just make films, the ones we actually want to see...she has branded a coffee...and it is one I, and you, will want to imbibe. First off...this blend is caramel and rum. Most blends with this combo will be heavy on the caramel and the rum part may be missing to most taste-buds. Not Kill-Devil Rum-Ble! Those of us who like our coffee blends with a sweet taste (just like our woman), will gravitate to this one. The rum flavor is appropriately pronounced so as not to drown out the sweetness, but to enhance the coffee drinking experience with a measured adult flavor.
This is fine tasting coffee which will wake you up in the morning with all the playfulness and macabre plot lines of a Ms. Rochon film. I am writing my sixth novel and my writing begins at 5:30am. Of late I have been accompanied on my computer by Debbie Rochon, in the form of Kill-Devil Rum-Ble. The caramel and rum combo, and the care it took to ground it just right with the right amount of flavors, will also diminish the coffee breath experience which many of the mega-brands of coffee leave you with (Folgers and Maxwell House). The effervescent and sultry actress' coffee will leave none of the evils with you after you have drained your cup.
The links are included above. Debbie Rochon's  Kill-Devil Rum-Ble is a sensational coffee that provides a perfect way to wake-up and start your day. The beautifully crafted artwork on the package also makes it a perfect gift for Christmas, birthdays...and yes...Halloween! Order the blend today...and let your love for horror films guide your morning coffee routine.

Thursday, June 11, 2020

Icy Breasts, French Psychopathic Vixen

Icy Breasts"....really? Yes, after all, this is Zisi Emporium for B Hallmark epics here. Some French eroticism with some slasher action and a sultry heroine...wait...not heroine...but psycho-babe! Today we look at 1974's "Icy Breasts" (aka Le Seins De Glace"), directed by Georges Lautner. This French film boasts of one of the best looking psycho-babes ever put on film.
Failed novelist Francois (Claude Brasseur) desperately seeks inspiration. He walks by Peggy (Mireille Darc) and is in love and enthralled. He follows her and forces himself on her (not sexually). She's mysterious and ravishing and eventually develops a liking for this schmuck. Uh oh...she's all psycho. To her all men are vicious rapists and her stint in the insane asylum didn't help. Because she's so sultry, handsome lawyer, Marc (Alain Delon) got her sprung. Marc is a hunk in an unsatisfying why not try a psycho? Marc will try to warn Francois about Peggy but the schmuck doesn't believe him.
Marc tries to keep psycho-Peggy out of trouble by having bodyguards watch her, and eventually clean up her messes. As Peggy wields scissors and razors and men are shredded, Francois is determined to take her away from Paris. Marc keeps trying to warn Francois, and now the body count is increasing...enter the police. As Peggy sees imaginary rapists, actual men will be felled. The French beauty presents a vulnerable and beset picture to Francois and he is quite the sucker.  Now Francois gets paranoid, believing Marc just wants Peggy for himself. This may be true, but who wouldn't want a babe like this...even if she is a female Norman Bates?
Can Francois and Peggy find true love, or will Peggy's razor find Francois' jugular? Figuratively, isn't Peggy right...aren't all men rapists? How sultry does a babe have to be for us men to disregard a fast approaching razor or machete? All women are psychos and all men are rapists! There...I said it. In Euro-Trash horror this maxim holds true. Enjoy "Icy Breasts," and then make your own decision about dating homicidal lunatics.

Tuesday, June 9, 2020

Ballad in Blood, The Downfall of Europe

Euro-Trash and Giallo have helped us Americans accurately understand the ethos of Europe. Sex-crazed killers, nymphomaniacs dying horribly, orgies everywhere, techno-rave parties in every sewer...yep, Europe! However insidious this all sounds, the women are always babes and just waiting to shed heir clothes. Today we look at an Italian tragic-comedy (in the Shakespearean sense) directed by legendary Ruggero Deodato, 2016's "Ballad in Blood."
One of those wild Italian rave-techno-sewer parties results in bad hangovers. Drug dealer Duke (Edward Williams) wakes in a daze. In the next room, Lenka (Carlotta MorellI) is heavily banging her beau, Jacopo (Gabriele Rossi). Jacopo blows chow all over her bare breasts and the moment is gone. In the next room, sultry Elizabeth (Noemi Smorra) is now a corpse with a slit throat. No one remembers the night before...or how Elizabeth died. Deep down, our surviving trio figure they are responsible for Elizabeth's demise. Now they try to get rid of the naked corpse and figure out which one of them is the killer. Uh oh...Elizabeth loved taking videos on her phone and the trio find all her work.
Now the surviving skank and drug dealing duo begin plotting...they're quite stupid. As they sober up...they get stupider. They realize Elizabeth's buddy, the naughty Francesca, might have some of the videos. Their plot to murder Francesca couldn't have gone worse and now the aforementioned trio are in deep doo-doo. You'll see. As Lenka, Duke, and Jacopo continue doing smack and continue with deviant pre-marital sex, Elizabeth's nude body cools. In addition to their murder predicament, a slimy supplier, Leo (Ernesto Mahieux) figures out they murdered Elizabeth. As each plots someone's murder, the trio gets more unstable and deviant. Oh yes, we eventually see what happened on that tragic night and it is so deviant.
Who did kill Elizabeth? Will Elizabeth's nude corpse be an avenue to even more deviant sexual behavior by our European trio? Will our gang eventually turn on each other? To completely understand the chaotic and deviant psyche of Europe's millennials, see "Ballad in Blood," and enjoy the nude deviance and gore that Giallo and Euro-Trash have to offer.

Sunday, June 7, 2020

Masked Mutilator, The Slasher in the WWE Universe

What would it look like to live in Vince McMahon's WWE universe? What would a slasher film look like in that universe? Ask no we take a look at 2019's "Masked Mutilator." In the world of professional wrestling, choke holds, body slams, and submissions rule the day. In this Brick Bronsky film, so do elongated blood and gut scenes mixed with gratuitous nudity, lingerie scenes, and gratuitous shower scenes.
The Masked Mutilator decimates his opponent in the ring. In fact, he kills him. Now barred from wrestling, Vic (Jeff Sibbach) or The Masked Mutilator, finds a job supervising a group home for wayward youths. He runs a tight, and borderline abusive ship. If the youths get out of hand he has a cell to lock them in. Then the state sends an intern to learn from Vic. Steve (Bronsky) arrives with a college education and a preference for compassion. Vic and Steve clash...then the murders begin. When Steve arrives, Rocker (Glenn Hetrick) is locked in the cell. Steve shows Rocker compassion. Shortly after, a masked fiend finds Rocker in the weight room and takes him apart. The masked fiend will then use a hacksaw and cut him up.
The gore scenes will be elongated and icky. The most heartbreaking kill is Marcy (Amanda Kupchinsky). Up until now she has given us gratuitous shower scenes, pre-marital sex scenes, and a lot of gratuitous lingerie scenes. She'll be strangled in her lingerie while looking for marijuana and pre-marital sex and the masked fiend will play with her corpse. Brian (Tom Taylor), a new ward of the state, and a martial arts maven arrives at the house and falls in love with the beutiful Leslie Heidi Shelhamer). So cute. Meanwhile the masked fiend continues ripping apart youths, sawing them up, and burning them in the furnace. Finally Leslie and Brian find out about the killings and believe Vic is the killer...but is he?
If Vic isn't the killer, then who is? Do the troubled Leslie and Brian have a shot at romance or are they slated for dissection? Do we need a female remake of this film featuring Trish Stratus and Gail Kim? This is a gory and vicious one. No humor, just ominous dread and gore. For a good old fashioned violent and gory slasher film with gratuitous nudity and blood spatter, see "Masked Mutilator."

Friday, June 5, 2020

Ouija Shark, When Spirit Animals Bite

However much we all like shark films, we still yearn for gritty reality. "Jaws" was a great film but a rifle round just won't penetrate a SCUBA tank. Now, finally, we have a shark film that adheres to reality, and that's what makes this one scary. This Brett Kelly epic will take Spielberg to school...and also flirt with the paranormal crowd. So let us mix our shark epics with paranormal scares and enjoy 2020's "Ouija Shark."
Jill (Steph Goodwin) sheds down to her bikini and wades in the water. She feels as if she is not alone and as she runs out of the drink, she almost trips on a piece of driftwood. But wait! The driftwood is a Ouija Board. This find will cause her to have weird dreams/visions of a shark. She will join her hot looking girlfriends at a pool party. As the six bikini gals drink alcohol, smoke marijuana, and frolic in the water, boredom sets in. See, only the ravishing Tiffany (Amy Osborne) has found a guy...hence a gratuitous bikini car-wash scene.  Jill has an idea...always a good one, with hte Ouija Board.
The gals do just that and find a wayward spirit who only says "HUNGRY." A moment later, a flash, and a shark ghost jumps out of the board. Now the ghost shark is loose and immediately feeds on two horny teens (Taryn Waldorf and Kyle Martellacci). The thing returns to the pool party and begins going through Jill's bikini friends like crap through a goose. Some of the deaths are heartbreaking as Tiffany gets it running through the woods...eaten, that is. Now the cops are called in...they won't fare well. As Jill figures out a way to stop the shark a celestial battle in the spirit world must be won in order to save at least some bikini girls.
If the Ouija Board summoned spirit shark was featured in Spielberg's "Jaws," instead of that clumsy mechanical Bruce, might "Jaws" have been a hit? Is there such a thing as a bad movie which includes bikini babes being shredded by razor shark teeth? Can Jill's final foray into the spirit world serve to save at least one bikini babe? This is a film that every one of you will relate to. The gritty reality of the plot, and frolicking bikini babes will speak to every one of your senses. Fore some nice cheese and shark attack carnage...see "Ouija Shark."

Wednesday, June 3, 2020

Isolation, The Moo Moo Massacre

Crawling around in poop and mud, always soaked from a cold rain, and monster parasites nipping at your heels. Yep, a metaphor for all of our existences...and also a pretty summary of the Irish film from 2005, "Isolation." When bovines misbehave, humans better watch out. Of course we can't blame the cows when a mad-scientist has induced the behavior. Directed by Billy O'Brien, "Isolation" is a gory one that will have you turning your eyes from the screen.
Mad-scientist John (Marcel Iures) has hired a farmer, Dan (John Lynch), to lend him his services and farm. He has an experiment and us using cows. The goal... to make cows extra fertile to produce a larger calf community and feed the world. This won't work. Pretty blonde veterinarian Orla (Essie Davis) arrives to help birth the calf and bad stuff begins happening. Orla reaches into the cow to pull out the calf and gets bitten. Oh yes, two losers, Jamie (Sean Harris) and Mary (Ruth Negga) are camped beside the farm. Late at night, Dan is alone at his farm and the cow goes into labor...he pleads with Jamie and Mary to give him a hand...bad idea. The cow is born after a vicious birth. Dan will be bitten too... more bad news.
As Dan and Orla get sicker, Orla arrives to do an autopsy of the cow and calf...yep, she euthanized them. Uh oh...the calf had five fetuses in her. But wait! The fetuses ore grotesque monsters and they are still alive. Now one of the fetuses begins exploring and attacking. Oh so say as Orla won't fare well. Now John the mad-scientist arrives and looks at blood samples. Whatever the monster fetus is, it is acting as a parasite, looking for warm places to crawl into (cow and human) and eat out the insides. Worse news, if it gets off the farm it will infect Ireland's cow population, birthing thousands of these creatures. Now Dan, Jamie, Mary, and John must find them and kill them...but they are also being hunted.
This is a muddy and cold film that you will feel the need for a hot shower after watching it. There are plenty of ick moments and the monsters are really scary. Is this film Ireland's attempt to warn the world against feeding bovine steroids and other junk to increase food supplies? Is it about time the cow community inflicted carnage against a monstrous human race that eats them? Should we become vegetarians or are our crops just as polluted and contaminated? This is a dark and uncomfortable film that is quite claustrophobic, but for a squirmy good time, enjoy "Isolation."

Tuesday, June 2, 2020

Interview of Alyson Moon re: "Circus"

This spring,my dear friend, Alyson Moon agreed to sit down with me and subject herself to another interview. This lovely and talented filmmaker/actress is is in the midst of catapulting far as her projects go. Her first full length feature film is on the horizon and today we will discuss the motion picture Circus.

CJZ: Yes! A full length feature film. Many of your fans, like me, who have watched your short films, are cheering. Making a 90 minute film, instead of a 15-20 minute short, is quite a jump. There is much more involved than just letting the camera run longer. Can you tell us what it took, and what had to be in place, in order to film a full length feature instead of a short feature?
Alyson Moon: I decided Circus had to become a long movie because there were so many things to tell, and in a short film, it was not possible to condense everything I wanted to say. At this point the choice was easy. Now Circus tells the story in a complete and exhaustive way, going into some aspects that it was a pity they were merely mentioned in the short. In addition, new characters have entered this mechanism, making this story even more interesting and intriguing.
CJZ: Circus is steeped with imagery and metaphor, and plenty of social commentary and points of conviction for the viewer. The subject matter alone seems to scream for a full length feature, in that sense, did this project present an ease that might not have existed in the short version?
Alyson Moon: On the contrary. Circus becoming a feature film represented a more difficult challenge, and this was the best part, because as we all know, when the road is more difficult...the victory is sweeter. This is also true in this case.
CJZ: Setting up funding, producers, and securing guarantees has to be a lot mor perilous of an endeavor in embarking of a 90 minute film. Did you find people you trusted and who really believed in you? Knowing you, Alyson, I know you did...can you tal a bit about those people?
Alyson Moon: It's true, I've found someone I trust, and who believes in me. He is a great friend and a wonderful person, gifted with great humanity and professionalism. I'm talking about Rocky Karlage...who with his contribution made possible the realization of this film.
CJZ: Even in the past couple of months, the metaphor and imagery of Circus holds relevant and incredibly poignant. Does the timeless nature of Circus' themes make this film so much more important to do well...flawlessly?
Alyson Moon: Excellent question. I can tell you that the metaphors enclosed within the movie can be read precisely as metaphors, or, perhaps in a more daring a hypothesis, one could say that reality is a metaphor, and you have to find out what's behind this. Circus is not only a horror film, but much more: It is a page of history and literature brought to exasperation until it becomes almost matter that you can touch with your hand, as if it were a story see, touch, and breathe. It is nice to think that a Shakespearean tragedy can become current to the point of becoming almost a news page. Now the question that arises is: Is Circus a horror film or a history film? I like to think that it is both, a mixture composed of 50% fear and 50% literature. That's why Circus is not the classic horror movie with the usual mechanisms we all know.
CJZ: Watching your previous works, you pull in an almost Gothic or medieval imagery into modern settings...will we see any of this here, either in the sets or in surreal character imaginings?
Alyson Moon: Absolutely yes. Once again you will see Gothic atmosphere while watching this movie you will feel as though you were inside the pages of a Shakespeare work, as those pages were never proposed. This is not a film set in the time of Shakespeare, and its not Shakespeare's biography, but much more: It "IS" Shakespeare, with all the destructive and driving force of his masterpieces. Just as it happened with the other movies, once again the viewer will be able to enjoy these pages of literature as if the two worlds, the present one and the Shakespeare one joined together becoming one. The movie is full of quotes and aphorisms, each with its own why, and each placed at the right time, during a precise action that exacerbates the already exasperated tones of the comedy. Titus Andronicus, The Scottish Play and other "pieces" take shape, becoming real, current, and absolutely contemporary. And the magic begins.
CJZ: Any festivals on the horizon. Mastering the "festival game" or "festival politics" can be quite a feat. Artistically, your work is of an incredible standard. What hurdles will you have to overcome for having Circus screened and distributed?
Alyson Moon: For now it is premature to think about festivals. After the promotion and after observing the public reaction, it will then be possible to think about the next step. I am a bit superstitious!

CJZ: Tell us about future projects...upcoming soon and on your "wish list"?
Alyson Moon: The "wish list" must remain secret. It is a matter of superstition, and as you well know, in this environment we are very much! Instead, about the projects, they are many: new movies, of which two are already in production, including Tili Bom, a story based on an ancient and creepy Russian legend. If you would like to join us in financing this film, please visit our site by clicking this link: Help Tili Bom be Made ...Thank you very Much!!!!

CJZ: Thank you, Alyson. Both you and Rocky are class acts all the way. I so look forward to talking to both you again. Please don't be a stranger.