Sunday, January 31, 2021

Track of the Moon Beast, Big Lizards and a Nubile Blonde

A nubile blonde pursued by a big lizard may be understandable in metaphor. However, in B horror, it is also very understandable. In today's politically correct setting, the metaphor may be too instead we have Scarlett Johansson as a wooden and dull android in boring sci-fi fare. Thank goodness for a more innocent time. In 1976 we were leaving Vietnam (finally!), college kids still liked college girls and vice versa (who ever thought that would end?), and the moon still held mysteries (Oh still does...thanks NASA). Also in 1976, hitting the drive-ins, was "Track of the Moon Beast," directed by Richard Ashe.

An asteroid hits the moon sending moon shards to Earth. NASA says there is nothing to worry about...they were wrong (imagine that!).  While courting the sultry blonde Kathy (Leigh Drake), Paul (Chase Cordell) is hit by a shard. He doesn't know, but a small shard penetrates his brain. Kathy and Paul continue to get close and when the moon comes out Paul changes into a big lizard man. least in metaphor. One night an unfortunate drunk is shredded outside his home. John (Gregorio Sala) is a professor and friend to Kathy and Paul. He is called in to help the police solve the murder. The murderer seems to be seven feet tall and have the attributes of a lizard. Neither John or Kathy realize what is happening to Paul.

Kathy and Paul fall more in love. A night or two later a few campers are ripped apart by the moon beast. Paul starts feeling ill and is brought for a full check-up. Doctors X-Ray him and see the shard. Now Paul puts it all together. John and Kathy are determined to help him. The moon is due out soon and now Paul does his change act in front of an audience. Doctors don't know what to do but Paul doesn't want to kill anyone else. Professor John, an Indian, gets his bow and arrow ready (really...I'm not making that up), and the cops ready their shotguns. 

In some weird fetish, does Kathy have mixed feelings about being beset by a seven foot lizard man? Is Paul's fate a metaphor for the plight of men on college campuses? Is this predicament actually a good thing for the sultry Kathy as now she can find a guy with earning power? This one is a lot of fun and the rubber suited creature will warm the heart. For a good Friday night 'creature feature' type film, see "Track of the Moon Beast." 

To see this film free on Dark Matter TV, click this link TRACK OF THE MOON BEAST

Friday, January 29, 2021

Witchery, David Hasselhoff, Linda Blair, and Witch Carnage

Fans of David Hasselhoff and Linda Blair might not know about this 1988 gore-fest. Hey! You ever notice when a nubile virgin shows up at a gathering...bad things happen? They attract the wrong crowd. Cults and demons flock to them to implant their seeds. Happens. Of course, when Linda Blair shows up...well, enough said. Today we look at 1988's "Witchery" (aka "Witchcraft"), directed by Fabrizio Laurenti. Filmed in Massachusetts by an Italian director, we can consider this one half-Giallo.

The nubile virgin Leslie (Leslie Cumming) shows up at an abandoned Massachusetts inn, located on a remote island. She's a virgin and wants to research witchcraft that occurred on the island. With her is photographer, Gary (Hasselhoff). He desires to de-virginize her. In these films, abandoned places get crowded fast. A greedy family seeking to buy the inn arrives. Oh yes, a witch's ghost sort of watched out for the place...the Lady in Black (Hildegard Knef). Party time! Oh yes...of note, the sultry realtor, Linda (Catherine Hickland) is also in the party...she's a nymphomaniac. Yep, she'll die horribly during pre-marital sex. 

One by one the intruders, as the Lady in Black sees them, die horribly. First they are pulled into an alternate dimension and tortured by grotesque hags. They'll be burned, impaled, have their mouths sewn shut...etc. Uh oh, Jane (Linda Blair) is pregnant and the witch seeks to possess her. Leslie will be raped and de-virginized by a demon...pretty standard. Linda's romp with a nerdy realtor will end with being impaled by a swordfish...really. One by one, the cast is eliminated in great gore. Now Leslie and Gary try to figure a way off the island but the witch seems to have them locked in. Blood will spurt, skin will bubble, and impalement will be the rule of the day.

This one starts out like a made for TV movie but stick with it...a few minutes into it the gore begins. What does this say for David Hasselhoff that a demon de-virginized Leslie before he could? Would this film have had a wider audience if a few more Baywatch actresses were in it? Shouldn't there be a law against virgins attending gatherings? Bloody and ominous, this straight to video gore-fest will surprise you with how brutal it is. For a neat Friday night horror film party, see "Witchery."

Wednesday, January 27, 2021

Zombie 4: After Death, Machine Gun Wielding Zombies

I know what you're asking. There are four of them? Five actually. Fear not, I'm in the process of tracking down 2,3, and 5. Still, an Italian zombie film shot in The Philippines...who could ask for anything more? We can! When some of the zombies are given machine guns...then we've been given more. Italian babes and hunks being ripped to shreds by the undead is such a beautiful thing. Today we look at "Zombie 4: After Death," directed by Claudio Fragasso.

20 years ago a scientific team (from Italy I guess) has found a cure for...death! They are on a tropical island where their laboratory has been set up. The voodoo priest's daughter gets cancer and our team treats her. She dies. The priest (James Sampson) is mad. He does what any of us would do...he opens the door to Hell and lets the dead come back to life as zombies. The zombies eat the scientific team. Only a four-year-old girl gets off the island. Now, present day, the little girl is a grown up babe, Jenny (Candice Daly). She is drawn back to the island by a mysterious force with a bunch of mercenaries and a babe named Louise (Adrianne Joseph). Their mission? Who knows? Also invading the cursed island are three hikers looking for the cave where this curse started.

The hikers, Chuck (Jeff Stryker), David (Massimo Vanni), and an uncredited babe find the cave and accidentally open up the door to Hell again. Only Chuck survives and he's buff. Now all the dead rise and beset our mercenary friends. Jenny remembers what she is doing there. She must close the door to Hell and lock it...she actually has a key...really! The mercenaries have machine guns and soon, the zombies will have them. Louise will be eaten and turned as will the uncredited babe leaving Jenny as the only nubile babe in this film. The zombies keep coming even after the hunks figure out a shot to the head will kill them. Chuck, and he's buff, will join the surviving mercenaries and Jenny and help them fight off the things. Now Jenny realizes the only way to stop the horror is to find that cave where it all started and go into it to lock up Hell.

Did Candice Daly have a clause in her contract that stipulated no other babe would survive this film? Is Jenny's key to Hell a metaphor for the free-falling relationship between Italy and The Philippines? Do any of these mercenaries have a prayer against machine gun wielding zombies? There will be a lot of gore, machine guns, and hunks grunting. Bad dubbing and exotic locations will rule the day in a must see horror film, "Zombie 4: After Death."

Monday, January 25, 2021

Beast of Blood, A Detached Head and a Mad Scientist...and Babes

Eddie Romero may be one of the greatest Filipino film makers ever. Today's feature picks up where BRIDES OF BLOOD left off. Decapitations, a ruthless mad-scientist, island babes wearing very little and engaging in pre-marital sex, and a handsome square-jawed hero are present in this one too, Many of us who have tried grafting someone's head onto someone else's body will be able to relate to this plot. Now we look at 1970's "Beast of Blood," directed by Eddie Romero.

Dr. Bill Foster (John Ashley) barely got off Blood Island alive with his nubile islander babe. Uh axe wielding monster also got on the boat and kills everyone on board including the babe...and the ship blows up. Two survivors, Bill and...the monster. Bill is rescued at sea and nursed back to health. He returns to the island to find out about the fiend that killed his babe. The fiend made it back to the island and is promptly decapitated by the surviving mad-scientist, Dr. Lorca (Eddie Garcia). Accompanying Bill is a reporter, Myra (Celeste Yarnell). She's a babe. Meeting Bill on the island is the tribe who he lived with...including the chief's daughter Laida (Liza Belmonte).She's a babe. Both babes will try to have pre-marital sex with the grouchy Bill...but he refuses...for now.

Okay. Lorca has the monster in his lab. His head is in a machine against the wall and the body is on a gurney. He taunts and teases the thing which he keeps alive. Beware, the head is learning to control his detached body...and promises revenge. Lorca abducts natives, cuts their heads off, and tries to put them on the detached body. So far, unsuccessfully. Bill finds out Lorca is still alive and has abducted Myra. The mad scientist wants Myra to give him a child...or watch while she has pre-marital sex with Bill. Bill shows up and is appalled. Laida mounts an army of islanders to invade Lorca's mansion. Lorca also continues to taunt the detached head...which will probably not end well. Finally, Bill will give Myra pre-marital sex...I'm sure he was disappointing.

What will be Lorca's fate if the detached head is able to fully control the detached body? Will Laida pull out Myra's hair and scratch out her eyes when she finds out Bill had sex with her first? If he survives, could Dr. Lorca find work at a major pharmaceutical company (or the CDC)? This is a bloody one with a lot of gratuitous islander babe scenes. For a neat film for date night, see "Beast of Blood."

To see this movie free on Dark Matter TV click on this link BEAST OF BLOOD


Saturday, January 23, 2021

Cherry 2000, Pleasure Androids...A Good Idea?

As political correctness and the cancel culture take hold, we must ask if 1987's "Cherry 2000" is a prescient view into the future. Set in 2017, the film raises a lot of questions that many men (sorry gals) are asking today. As dating and courting (and even foreplay) are re-classified as sexual harassment and sexual assault, college kids and young men talk among themselves about the concept of pleasure androids. An android that looks and feels like a real babe devoted to serve all the owner's desires. They don't complain or file complaints with the Human Resources Division. This film was made at the height of Melanie Griffith's stardom and features the lovely Pamela Gridley (alas, she died too young) as the android.

Cherry 2000, the Mercedes-Benz of pleasure androids, short circuits during steamy sex in soap suds. Hey, don't knock it until you try it. Chery 2000 was perfect and Sam (David Andrews) is very sad and lonely now. Bad news...they aren't made anymore. Sam is desperate to find another Cherry 2000 and learns there is a warehouse of abandoned robots like these in the forbidden zone (Vegas). He hires a guide, Johnson (Griffith), a spunky redhead who is human. She is tough and capable and the two hop into her souped up Ford Mustang and drive into the desert forbidden zone. They are beset immediately by a gang controlled by warlord Lester (Tim Thomerson).

After some chases and battles very similar to scenes in "The Road Warrior," our duo is headed straight to Vegas so Sam can find a replacement. Lester is a terrific character and describes the Cherry 2000 well, "Get one of those fired up and its like slamming an octopus." Oh, the imagery! Instead of gun fights, though we have those, we are treated to a fight with rocket launchers...yes! Uh oh...Sam and Johnson start falling in love and almost have pre-marital sex before they are stopped by the Cherry 2000 (you'll see). Now Lester and his murdering gang are closing in on our duo as they reach their destination.

If Johnson and Sam do fall in love, what will be the fate of the Cherry 2000? Again, if the two do fall in love, are all us guys going to scream, "No! Choose the android!"?  If the Chinese or Japanese do invent the Cherry 2000, will college administrations force boys to date girls as part of Title IX? Directed by Steve De Jarnatt, "Cherry 2000," whether you like it or not, poses some interesting questions about the direction we are headed in 2021. See "Cherry 2000," and ponder which is preferable...21st century men/women relationships, or the availability of the Cherry 2000. 

Thursday, January 21, 2021

Night Fright, Space Monster and Nubile College Chicks

Total failure! The U.S. space program since President Ford has been a total failure. What once captivated the imaginations of school children revealing the possibility of traveling to the stars devolved into boring idiocy about the dubious science of and 'global warming.' In 1967, the space program still captured our imaginations and that is when "Night Fright" hit the silver screen. Say what you want about this John Agar classic, it is infinitely more stimulating than what out space program has become. NASA take note! 

As NASA continues to waste our time, in this film, an experimental ship is sent hundreds of thousands of miles into space. The purpose is to test gamma rays and how they effect animals. Today, school children don't even know what gamma rays are. The ship crashes in a small town where Sherriff Clint (Agar) keeps order. The feds show up but don't tell anyone accurate depiction, I'm afraid. Instantly, great looking college kids begin getting ripped apart while necking. Clint is romancing Nurse Joan (Carol Gilley), and she looks great in her white uniform. Okay, two college lovebirds, Chris (Ralph Baker, Jr.) and Judy (Dorothy Davis) frolic and look for places to neck. They keep getting interrupted by either shredded friends or Sheriff sad.

A party is planned for the lake. It'll give us many gratuitous scenes of coed hips and buttocks swaying like mad. The grouchy Clint, knowing a monster is loose, tries to warn the kids but they ignore him. Bad move. Now the behemoth hunk mutation makes its way over to the lake. Don't ask, but even the nubile nurse in white, Joan, is in the monster's scope. The low energy Clint comes up with a plan and it just might soil Joan's beautiful and pure white nurse's uniform. As hot coeds and their hunks keep getting shredded, Clint enacts his plan, and Joan gets ready to let out a blood curdling scream.

Will the nubile Joan have to clean bloodstains off her lily white uniform? Will the low energy Clint ever plant a hard wet one on the lips of the nubile Nurse Joan? Are college hunks and sorority chicks really that great of a loss to risk the life of the babe in white? However bad this film is, it is much better than what NASA has been feeding us for the last 40 years. For some cheesy B movie fun, see "Night Fright."

Tuesday, January 19, 2021

Redwood Massacre: Annihilation, Disembowelment Galore

A little over two years ago I posted a review of THE REDWOOD MASSACRE . This was one of the most brutal slasher films ever made. You know the type...when a nubile lass frolics into danger we pray for a quick death for her. So now we have a sequel, 2020's "Redwood Massacre: Annihilation," also directed by David Ryan Keith. You know this one is gong to be rad as 16 actors are listed in the credits as 'murder victims.' Yes! The burlap sack mask killer is back with all his rusty saws and blades...this time he has help from...nope, no spoilers here.

Max (Damien Puckler) is a big fan (worshipper) of the masked killer. Uh oh...he is also a psycho killer, himself. As the film begins he is torturing to death the survivor of The Redwood Massacre (Lisa Cameron). He wants to find the masked killer, study him, and worship the ground he walks on. Also wanting to find the killer is the dad of one of his victims, Tom (Jon Campling). Tom is approached by Max. Max claims to have found some of the artifacts of the enigmatic monster (Benjamin Selway),  Tom convinces his kickboxing daughter, Laura (Danielle Harris) to join in. She is hesitant and does not trust Max...good call. Laura's two pals also join in...the brute, giant of a man Gus (Gary Kasper), and babe Jen (Tevy Poe). Jen is quite sultry, unfortunately, being fifth in the credits, she has "I will die horribly" written all over her.

The group heads into the woods to seek the masked monster. No one knows Max is just as dangerous as the one they seek. They head for the one spot they have not searched yet. No spoilers here, but they find it. After they get in they find eyes, human organs including a tally-whacker, severed limbs, human skins, etc. They also meet the sultry Donna (Stephanie Lynn Styles). Who is Donna? Not telling! I will say she has emerged as one of my favorite characters in horror film history. Machetes will be wielded and internal organs will be yanked out. Poor Jen...her fate was foretold by the horror film gods. Then the reveal. It will be shocking and ambitious. You just might ask yourself who the real monsters are.

Is there any chance of sewing Jen back up and...well, never mind this question. Will little Laura's kickboxing abilities be of any use against the burlap sack killer? When and how will Max reveal to his team mates that he is just as psycho as the one they seek? This is a great slasher film with gore, shocks, and severed heads. If you are sick of the mainstream horror films which non-horror fans also enjoy, do yourself a favor and see "Redwood Massacre: Annihilation."

Monday, January 18, 2021

Moonlight Fairytale, Jazz Stoking the Flames of Love

Even better than a greeting card this Valentine's Day is Alyson Moon's new musical, 2020's "Moonlight Fairytale." If art makes us human, Ms. Moon will show us how jazz makes us lovers. 100% romantic and playing to the dreamer in all of us, this musical will seduce and watch it with a loved one...or one you hope to be a loved one. For all of you aspiring actors and actresses out there, perhaps this is required viewing in order to give you a better idea of what "making it" really is.

She's young and in love, Amy. An aspiring actress (Moon) frolics through New York City. Her companion is a terrific neighbor/violinist (Alex Sullivan). Together they show us the romance side of New York...only visible if one has love in their heart. Off to L.A. she make it big. Auditions and rejection will be her diet...for now. Jazz keeps her going. A wonderful jazz pianist (Drew Wilson) will accompany her in a jaunt through the romance and dreams of L.A. The world and mindset of an artist/actress is driven home and at times seems a dichotomy to the dreams and hope of Amy. 

Amy allows the jazz to touch her soul and this obviously keeps her moving forward and cherishing the love that is in her heart. Sunsets...Sunrises...Jazz clubs...dancing...Amy never closes her eyes to the beauty of those stimuli. I have to say, and forgive me for being crude, if you (the viewer) aren't making out with your spouse or date by the mid-point of this film...well...what's your problem? Brilliant choreography guides us through a story that would usually end in tragedy or heartbreak. In this Alyson Moon musical, the dreams and hope outweigh the cynicism and brutality of the L.A. acting scene. 

Stop listening to CNN, MSNBC, and Fox...and start allowing the love and optimism in your heart to guide your relationships with your fellow man. Ordering "Moonlight Fairytale" is a good place to begin. Alyson Moon seems to be telling us to dance instead of sulk...laugh instead of growl... wonder instead of mope...and love instead of fear. Whether this is a Christmas message or a Valentine's Day message, it is a message so needed here in the social media driven culture of the 21st century. To see "Moonlight Fairytale," click on the below links.


Sunday, January 17, 2021

Mausoleum, Playmate Turns Demon

No name exudes Playmate Playmate like Bobbie Bresee. 1983's "Mausoleum" is the film magnum opus of this beautiful centerfold. In all fairness, if you spend the entire film staring at her b**bs, you will be onto something. Well into the film, those two vehicles of perfection and allure will change so they morph into grotesque demon faces. Perhaps this is a relevant metaphor, but we will not get into that in this review. Throw in Marjoe Gortner, some kinky lingerie, and gratuitous Bobbie Bresee baths and seduction, and we have a can't miss blockbuster.

At the age of 10, Susan's (Bresee) mom dies. After the funeral, Susan makes her way into a cursed mausoleum where she is possessed by a green-eyed demon. Happens. 20 years later, she is loaded and married to the boring Marjoe Gortner. The demon inside her turns into a nymphomaniac so Susan is trying to seduce everyone. She'll seduce some brutish guys and they will die horribly when they give in. The deal is, the first born girl in this bloodline is possessed by this demon. Fortunately for humanity, instead of wiping all life off this planet, this demon is more interested in deviant sex with brutish men. Men will explode, be torn to shreds, and some women will be ripped open but still we cheer for the Playmate turned demon.

Okay, there is hope. Susan's psychologist since birth, Dr. Simon Andrews (Norman Burton) hypnotizes her and consults some paranormal folk. He discovers the possession and a far-fetched mechanism to save Susan's life and soul. There will be a classic mall scene which will end in impalement and bad art (you'll see) on the way to a terrifying reveal. All through this horrific tale, we'll see Ms. Bresee in some really erotic lingerie and revealing daywear...and some nice short-shorts...and some...okay, you'll see. The gore will increase and so will the demon's penchant for rough and deviant sex.

However boring Marjoe Gortner is, will the over-sexed demon/Susan rip him apart, too? Is a Playboy Playmate turned nymphomaniac sex demon a plot line that needs to be harped on here in 2021? In the scene where Ms. Bresee's b**bs turn into demon heads...actually, I withdraw the question before I ask it. For a prurient good time and a lot of gore, nudity, and Marjo Gortner...see "Mausoleum," directed by Michael Dugan.

Friday, January 15, 2021

Bigfoot vs. the Illuminati, The Foot Saves Mankind a sultry space princess wants Van Helsing (Marco Guzman) to return to her ship. Faced with saving mankind, why would you figure she wants Van Helsing back. Here's the quote, "Return to headquarters, I want to f*** your brains out!" He returns and she...well, you'll see. Throw in Dr. Jekyll and cult fruit-loop leader Aleister Crowley, lizard aliens, and of course...Bigfoot! Yep 2020's "Bigfoot vs the Illuminati," directed by BC Fourteen (don't ask).

Two thousand years into the future, AI robots have drained Earth of all our natural resources. About 3,000 are all that's left and the Earth's air is now poison. Off to space they go, led by Princess Kali (Ashley Tod)…a babe. She leads an alliance of surviving humans but her allies are fast being killed off by Archons. The Archons are reptilian fiends led by Rothschild (Robert Forth). Determined to save humanity, Kali summons a Van Helsing clone, known as VH. VH and Kali will play heavy on the sexual tension and will engage in passionate pre-marital sex. Dr. Jekyll (Edson Camacho) works in Kali's laboratory trying to invent weapons to defeat the lizard people. 

VH has an idea. An old friend, Bigfoot (also played by Guzman) is summoned to help fight the Archons. Meanwhile, Rothschild resurrects Aleister Crowley (Wes Bruff), the ancient alchemist, to assist in wiping out humanity. As more of Kali's allies are blown to bits, her sexual needs increase. Now Bigfoot is all in in defeating the lizard people. Great space battles will ensue, a visit to Area 51 will also occur, and Bigfoot will talk jive to lizard people and allies alike. Make sense? Makes more sense than "Jupiter Ascending" or "The Last Airbender." 

Did I mention this is, I guess you could say, an animated film. Perhaps American Anime, if you must. The plot is ambitious and makes more sense if you just watch the movie. After f***ing VH's brains out, will Princess Kali reward Bigfoot the same way? If the lizard fiends get a hold of Kali, will they expect her to f*** their brains out too? Does a loony alchemist really have a shot against Bigfoot? This 76 minute animated film has terrific scenes of spaceships and alien galaxies. Perhaps just as realistic as "Battlestar Gallactica" except with more sexual tension and...Bigfoot! Enjoy "Bigfoot vs. the Illuminati."

Wednesday, January 13, 2021

Amityville Toybox, Exploiting a Faux Haunting

 Before you read on, do yourself a favor and listen to this episode of Harrison Smith's Cynema podcast (click this link to listen on YouTube Cynema Ep. 77 ).Today, another Amityville film. As decades pass and the credibility of Ed and Lorraine Warren diminishes, a most horrifying crime of the 1970s seems to have eternal life as a horror exploitation vehicle. One may wonder if 2016's "Amityville Toybox" was needed. Of course, was "Jupiter Ascending" needed? Was "The Last Airbender" needed? All is fair even if we get muddy when watching. Or is it?

Mark (Mark Popejoy) is turning 50. He has a nice house in rural New York and his family is coming for the week-end to celebrate. Mark is a tortured soul. A former alcoholic, he is guilt ridden for the death of his wife. He was driving drunk during the accident that killed her. He lives with his mom (Jeanne Kern). Mom is senile and thinks her long dead husband is about to return home. Also living with him is his pregnant daughter (Britany Dailey). No spoilers see this coming a mile away...they'll both be shotgunned  to death. Okay...the family arrives...none are likable. In fact all they want to do is screw and drink...a parable of modern America? Time to open gifts...Mark gets an antique toy. The proverbial spooky monkey that bangs cymbals together. Of course, these monkeys are always cursed.

The monkey is indeed cursed and releases the spirit of whatever possessed the DeFeo guy in Amityville. You remember, he murdered his whole family. Now the spirit is in Mark and he has an axe and a rifle. He begins his work and methodically goes about massacring the helpless sons, daughters, aunts, etc. Julia (Julia Farrell) is a daughter who has some fight in her. She man's up but is there any escape for the evil that has grown out of the Amityville house? 

Is Mark too far gone to spare the remnants of his family? Even not being cursed, are there any redeeming qualities to those annoying and ugly monkeys that clang cymbals together? Is it time for Amityville to become unincorporated and allow the Suffolk County government to take over? Heartbreaking and exploitive, "Amityville Toybox" is brutal and low-budget. For those who pride themselves in seeing all the 'Amityville' films, here is another one.

Monday, January 11, 2021

Primitives, Cannibals and Great Looking College Students

Let us take "Slave of the Cannibal God" and mix it with "Jungle Holocaust" and set it in Indonesia...what do we have? Today's film! 1980's "Primitives," directed by Sisworo Gautama Putra. Yep...we have primitive cannibals disemboweling lizards, monkeys, snakes, and alligators. Yes...animals were harmed in the making of this film. Filmed in the Indonesian jungle and maybe with the cooperation of real natives, get ready for some gore and the exploitation of native peoples. More importantly, will a fabulous Indonesian lady get the same treatment as Ursula Andress did in "Slave of the Cannibal God"?

Three college students; The nubile Rita (Enny Haryono), the hunk Robert (Barry Prima), and nerd Tommy (Johann Mardjono) hire Bisma (Rukman Herman) a guide to take them into the jungle to meet savages. Bisma does just this. They find a friendly tribe that dances a lot and eats yucky things. Not satisfied...not all natives are interesting...the trio bribe Bisma to take them deeper into the jungle. Bad idea! Bisma does and the expedition meets disaster. After their river raft is destroyed on rapids, Bisma and Tommy get separated from the nubile Rita and hunk Robert. Rita and Robert are captured soon after by a cannibalistic tribe.

Both captives are stripped and humiliated. Robert will be pissed on and Rita will be assaulted by a cannibal tally-whacker. Monkeys will be slain for food and cannibal woman will paw Rita. A lot of grunting and eating disgusting things will occur and Rita will even puke. Stripped of most of her clothes, Robert figures he better act fast. Finally Bisma and Tommy get out of the river and their fate will be determined by hungry sad. Now Robert hatches an escape plan but he'll have to elude cannibals, quicksand, and snakes. The nubile Rita looks great running through the jungle and if they survive, perhaps Robert will get to enjoy some frolicking with her.

Will the cannibals allow the nubile Rita and hunk Robert to escape their clutches? What will be the ultimate fate of Tommy and Bisma be after the gators get through with them? Are the primitive cannibals any different than the university students and professors Rita and Robert seek to return to? Cannibal movie fans will love this Indonesian entry into the sub-genre of horror/exploitation/cannibal films. For some cheesy acting and action with extreme gore, see "Primitives." 

Saturday, January 9, 2021

Amityville Island, Death Row and Demon Possession

You demanded it and they listened. Polonia Brothers Entertainment has come through again. This time with 2020's hybrid of "Sharkenstein" and "Amityville Exorcism." Today we will look at the Mark Polonia and Paul Alan Steele directed "Amityville Island." No 'slow burns' here...just horror thrown at you faster than you're used to.  So for those of you who love movies made to be loved and not studied at NYU Film School, this is one for you.

Kelly Jo (Jamie Morgan) moves her family to Amityville and buys some cursed items at a rummage sale. They'll possess her and our beset mom will murder her four children and end up on death row. She'll meet Renata (Danielle Donahue), another death row inmate. Renata murdered dozens of frat boys. An evil warden runs a death row fight club and these two evil beauties are pitted against each other. There it becomes apparent that Kelly Jo remains possessed by Amityville demons. The two babes are sent to a mysterious island where they will be human experimentation subjects. There, Dr. Ormond (Jeff Kirkendall) and Dr. Tyler (James Carolus) are seeking to build the perfect battlefield soldier with Nano-technology.

Now Renata and a possessed Kelly Jo are at the mercy of the two mad scientists (actually, aren't we all at the mercy of the mad scientists of "Big Pharma"). Uh oh...mysterious zombies prowl the island and Kelly Jo's demons end up possessing sharks off shore and computer technology. Now a bloody fate awaits more than just our sultry test subjects. As the two mad scientists inject the pair with a mysterious drug, the Amityville demons seek more bloodshed. Now everyone and every animal on the island is subject to the Amityville wrath.

Do the evil experiments or the Amityville demons hold a bloodier fate for our two doomed heroines? Are Dr. Ormond and Dr. Tyler mere accurate metaphors for the mad scientists who purport to have vaccines for us? Just who are these zombies and what role will they have in this possession story? The Polonia Brothers never fail to give us films we want to see. For a great time, find "Amityville Island" for your Friday night horror watch party.

Thursday, January 7, 2021

Animal Among Us, Bigfoot Attacks...or Does He?

We love Bigfoot films! Hey...we love Bigfoot! Is he a vicious carnivore seeking to shred nubile and hunk hikers in the American forests? Or is he a misunderstood mammal seeking privacy and détente with an increasingly technological and cold society? Or maybe...and I know, perish the he a myth? The monster in the wilderness may not be the enigma that is Bigfoot, but rather...well, you'll see. This brings us to our feature today, 2019's "Animal Among Us," directed by John Woodruff.

Many years ago two nubile hikers were killed by an apparent wild animal at the Merrymaker Campgrounds. What killed the beauties was never determined for sure. Enter author Roland Baumgarner (Christian Oliver). Roland wrote a best-selling novel about those murders, depicting the attacker as a Bigfoot monster. The tragedy shut down the camp. Modern day, the Merrymaker Campgrounds are still owned by the same family and the now adult daughters are opening it up again. The two sultry sisters are Anita (Larisa Oleynik) and Poppy (Christine Donlon). Oh yes, they're brutish stepdad is also back, Burl (Don Frye). Roland answers a mysterious invitation to appear at the grand re-opening. He shows up just in time to see two Bigfoot bloggers attacked and shredded.

Roland is scared, but Poppy seduces him...she is quite the babe! Now Roland wants to find out if what killed the two gals many years ago is still prowling around. Our beautiful sisters seem to know more than they are letting on and they have a weird relationship with their stepdad. Roland is getting nowhere and both sisters claim there is no monster. Indications are the sisters and the stepdad are up to something and Roland is slow on the uptake. Now something is on the prowl and the sisters and Roland seem to be in danger of being hunted and shredded...but from what? Whatever killed those two gals many years ago is now looking to kill more humans...or is something else seeking to do those additional killings? Beware, even the sultry Poppy will come face to face with a horrific surprise.

Is Bigfoot really the culprit at Merrymaker Campgrounds? Will Poppy's seduction techniques, so successful with Roland, be able to protect her from a Bigfoot attack? Just what is Burl's actual relationship with his stepdaughters? Experienced horror addicts may figure out the twists and surprises. Nevertheless, the two sisters are quite lovely and this is a unique take on the Bigfoot story. For some quirky fun, see "Animal Among Us."

Tuesday, January 5, 2021

Wreck, Monsters and Thugs

It is not easy being an, sorry...ex-exotic dancer. You try to go straight. Maybe enroll in law or medical school. Perhaps you write the great American novel. Or maybe you make a killing selling Amway or Herbalife.  Still, preparing for the future as one plies their trade on a stage or adjacent pole is a wise move. A smart move is to go into a legitimate trade. Today's film is a warning to do just that, 2020's "Wreck," directed by Ben Patterson.

Sandy (Gemma Harlow Dean) is a former exotic dancer. She needs more money and resorts to becoming a "bag-man" for some heavy scores. Now partnered up with fellow mobster, Jimmy (Ryan Gilks), the two are tasked to deliver a package. What is in the package? Doesn't matter. The briefcase will be handcuffed to Sandy's wrist. The duo will be ordered to stay off the radio and their phones. Uh oh...some really bad men with hacksaws want the case. By the way, in case I failed to mention this, a big furry monster is eating some locals in rural England. Guess what? Sandy and Jimmy are tasked to drive through rural England to reach their delivery point. Something runs in front of their car forcing our duo off the road and overturning them.

Bad news...Jimmy's skull is cracked open and Sandy is pinned to the ground by their overturned BMW. More bad news...the goons with the hacksaw want the briefcase handcuffed to Sandy and are on their way. It gets worse...the BMW is now well off the road and a big hairy monster (Charles Clarke-Devonald) is on the prowl. Sandy is in a bad predicament and when something drags away Jimmy's corpse away and eats it, she realizes just how bad. There is some good news! Every time the monster wanders over to Sandy, they are interrupted. Hikers and goons are aplenty in Sandy's plight and the monster loves ripping them to shreds. A gal, when given a lot of time to think, can become quite resourceful. Now Sandy has developed a strategy...not a good one...but one she can understand. Escape and kill the monster are her goals and it is not looking good.

Will Sandy pry herself loose from the BMW and escape the carnage of the hairy beast? Is there some parable that can be derived from this film that will speak intimately to all those exotic dancers out there who desire to enroll in medical school? The creature f/x are so cheesy that you will cheer when the thing makes an appearance. For some neat British horror with over-the-top cheesiness, see "Wreck."

Sunday, January 3, 2021

The Devil's Hand, Romance and a Satanic Cult

Let us say you are a milquetoast loser. You believe there is no means of employment good enough for you. Even worse, you are kind of engaged to a frumpy spinster to be. Is there any hope? Sure! As long as Satanic cults prowl the landscape, there is always hope. Remember, though! Hope is merely delayed disappointment, and if you are a probably will always be one. Hence 1961's "The Devil's Hand" directed by William J. Hole, Jr.

Rick (Robert Alda) is the aforementioned loser. His girlfriend, Donna (Ariadne Welter) criticizes him a lot but she is probably the best he'll ever end up with. Then a vixen beckons him in his dreams and Rick is summoned to a mysterious doll shop. The shop is owned by Francis (Neil Hamilton)...who just happens to run a Satanic cult in the shop's backroom. Remember that beckoning vixen? She is Bianca Milan (Linda Christian). She's a vision of extreme beauty and allure and begins to romance Rick. Francis uses a voodoo doll of Donna to get her out of the picture. Now Donna is confined to a hospital as there is a pin shoved through her heart.

The cult sings praises to the evil deity Gamba. They chant and sit on the floor a lot. More importantly, Bianca and Rick get quite close. Rick turns into a success at work as Donna wastes away in the cardiac unit. Rick seems to be a loyal member of the cult except he still has feelings for Donna. Francis is not happy about this and neither is Bianca. Bianca's ego just won't accept that Rick may choose a frumpy spinster over her. Now Donna is in more danger and we begin to see the homicidal nature of Gamba and the cult.

Does the spinster Donna have any shot at Rick now that a Satanic goddess has set her sights on him? If Gamba was so great and powerful why doesn't he do something worthwhile instead of making his devotees sit on the floor and chant? Linda Christian and her allure is the highlight of this film and we wonder why she is plying the wares of a third rate cult instead of some super cult seeking world domination. For a good Saturday afternoon 'Creature Feature' type of entertainment, see "The Devil's Hand."

Friday, January 1, 2021

The Vampire Doll, Beautiful Bloodsucker

Beautiful women are hard to resist. When their undead and have yellow eyes, they are harder to resist. Just ask all the guys who have bitten by these fiends...albeit, beautiful fiends. From Japan, we have 1970's "The Vampire Doll," directed by Michio Yamamoto. We'll have an eerie mansion, a sultry damsel, graverobbing, and a hunk trying to save the damsel. Oh yes, we'll also have a yellow eyed vampire with a homicidal bent. There'll also be spurting blood, which the Japanese are so good at.

He's in love! So sweet. Kazuhiko (Atsuo Nakamura) arrives at a mansion late one stormy night. He seeks to see his fiancé, Yuko (Yukiko Kobatashi). Yuko's mom, Shidu (Yoko Minakazo) informs him Yuko died two weeks ago. He's very sad, as Yuko was a babe. Uh oh, over night, Yuko appears to him. He follows her to her grave. She then bites his throat. So sad. Back in Tokyo, Keiko (Kayo Matsuo) is worried about her brother. She doesn't know his throat was bitten out by Yuko. The Beautiful Keiko and her hunk fiancé, Hiroshi (Akira Nikao) drive to the mansion to look for Kazuhiko.

Shidu greets the, and tells them about her dead daughter. She also lies about Kazuhiko. Now the nubile Keiko and hunk Hiroshi get suspicious and start snooping. They find out about a horrific history of the mansion and an ungodly chain of events that began 20 years ago. Now the babe vampire appears to the babe Keiko. Hiroshi, meanwhile, digs up Yuko's grave. None of this will go well and surprising forces prepare Keiko to be Yuko's next meal. 

What awful carnage occurred twenty years ago that is key to the current vampire problem? Will the babe vampire bite the babe damsel?  Is the vampire problem in Shidu's mansion the only secret being hidden? The ending is wild and the blood will spurt all the way across the room...but who's blood? For some classic damsel in great distress action...and yellow-eyed vampire carnage...see "The Vampire Doll."