Thursday, October 31, 2019

Behind the Walls, Vanessa Angel in Much Peril

Today we have a haunted house tale. Or do we? Ghosts? Maybe. Or maybe its a monster in the house tale. Or maybe its a 'the house is a monster' tale. Maybe the house is alive...or maybe...well, you'll see. Even better, we have one of this blog's favorite actresses, Vanessa Angel. She will be in much peril as a haunted woman who likes to take baths. Hence 2018's "Behind the Walls," directed by James and Jon Kondelik.
The last few years were brutal and terrifying for Kathy (Angel). An abusive husband did quite a job on her and now Kathy has taken her children, 25 year old Michael (Hutch Dano) and her two little twins Karrie ( Taylor Autumn Bertman) and Derry (Mason Mahay). Okay, nothing unusual here, as far as this type of movie goes, the little girl starts befriending imaginary friends in the vents. Yep, they're not imaginary and their not really friends. Meanwhile, Kathy battles anxiety and depression with pills and running away from her old life. Trying to put her life back together she starts dating her boss (Reggie Lee). This guy is a dweeb and Vanessa Angel can do much better.
Uh oh...the house doesn't want any outsiders and the boss' fate will be quite gory, which will get Kathy fired. Uh oh again, Kathy's brother in law Darrel (Lew Temple) arrives and he wants the twins. Whatever Kathy did to her husband, Darrel wants to exact revenge on Kathy. Now we get glimpses inside the air vents and basement and something slimy and menacing is growing. As Karrie gets pulled into the thing's influence, Derry will be put in mortal danger. Michael realizes something evil is going on and now must defend his mom and siblings against Darrel and the mysterious slimy thing. As Kathy keeps popping pills and taking baths, the creature behind the walls in the house grows...grows a lot...and gets bolder.
Will the bathing Vanessa Angel suffer the same fate Barbara Hershey met in "The Entity"? Just what is behind the walls of this old house and does Kathy and family have a chance at surviving? Where is Kathy's husband, and is there something she is not telling her kids about him? Vanessa Angel is terrific and though the plot is pretty standard, it is a joy watching her. The beauty in this swamp is the ravishing Vanessa Angel, but beware...she might not fare well in this one. For some great Vanessa Angel cheesecake, see "Behind the Walls."

Tuesday, October 29, 2019

The Vicious Sweet, Scream Queen Bound

Oh to be a scream queen! There have been so many classic ones that this blog has enjoyed. The Hammer films gave us Caroline Munro and Ingrid Pitt. The 1980s gave us Jamie Lee Curtis and Barbara Crampton. These sultry actresses will always have a special place in the horror fan's heart...especially for us guys. Admiring them and their performances shows respect and perhaps a tip of the hat to true feminism. But wait! Just like the plots of their films, not every fan out there is balanced...hence an unhealthy obsession takes over. Hence 1997's "The Vicious Sweet," directed by Ron Bank.
Tyler Phenix (Sasha Graham) is the world's premier scream queen. Her fans adore her and low budget horror film makers seek her out. She screams well, and dies well...usually in various states of undress.  Zombies and slashers are her film companions. Uh oh, the beautiful Tyler is 30 and as she looks back at her life she feels empty and worthless. Suicide seems her best option. Ironically she is saved by a insaniac fan. He chloroforms her and drags her into a mysterious cell. Tyler will spend much of the film in her undies, handcuffed to a bed, tormented by her new insaniac master, Grimaldi (Bob Licata).
Grimaldi knows everything about Tyler including...well you'll see. Parts of Tyler's past are so horrible she has tried to block them out, but Grimaldi will have none of that. The more painful and humiliating the past event, the more intense the masked Grimaldi is about exploiting it for his bound prisoner. As Grimaldi insists he wants to save Tyler from herself, she has reason not to trust authority figures. Now Tyler tries something perverse. Reaching back to a shameful time in her life, before slasher films, the half naked and bound scream queen uses her sexuality to try to seduce her insane keeper. As Tyler's past is brought back, monsters from her films take the role of her past tormentors. Whatever the outcome, Tyler Phenix will be changed forever...if she survives.
Just what elements of her sordid past propel Tyler into this nightmarish journey? Is this even real, did Tyler in fact take those sleeping pills, and is she merely being dragged to Hell? Is the horrific past life of Tyler more of a horror film than the ones she made with zombies and slashers? The ending is epic in this psychological horror/thriller that may be termed gratuitous exploitation by more high-minded critics. For a wonderful performance by the beautiful Sasha Graham, and an unsettling movie experience, see "The Vicious Sweet."

Sunday, October 27, 2019

Big Top Evil, Release the Clown Horde!

As zombie films no longer excite fact, they are getting annoying...a new evil has replaced them. Clowns! They're scary and we have all been traumatized by them as children. Recent flicks have given us horrific and homicidal clowns, but why not an army of them that rival the zombie hordes in George Romero films? Now we have one...and some great looking hunks and babes will die so horribly because of them. Hence, 2019's "Big Top Evil," directed by Sean Haitz and Chris Potter. Oh yes...we all like gore...but beware, this film will pile it high.
The aforementioned babes and hunks are on an excursion to see the location which their favorite slasher film was shot. They get off the main highway and get lost. Jay (Haitz) is a guitar strumming hunk who is on the rebound. Fortunately for him, his bud Veronica (Chante Demoustes) will bring her friend Casey (Jisaura Cardinale) along. So cute...the two will begin to fall in love. Uh oh, the nerd Donny (Morgan Ferreira) will be seduced by a trapeze babe, Candy (Austin Judd), who will convince the gang to stay at a motel across from a weird circus she is part of. Wanting to get Donny laid, his friends agree...big mistake.
Okay, no big spoilers here, suffice it to say Bill Moseley is Mr. Kharver, the circus boss. This circus has dozens of cannibalistic clowns that will be on our babes and hunks like the zombies were on the survivors in "Dawn of the Dead." Our menacing clowns have the psyche of that family in "The Hills Have Eyes," and this won't be good for our soon to be picked apart babes and hunks. As Jay and Casey bond (so cute!), our trapeze babe will grab a chainsaw and fulfill all of Donny's'll see...unless you are covering your eyes. If that isn't enough, three escaped psychos converge on the town and are just as deadly as the clowns.
Will Jay and Casey get to fall in love and maybe engage in pre-marital sex? Is a night of ecstasy with a trapeze babe worth losing one's head over?  Is the cannibalistic clown horde a mere metaphor for the increasing number of morons and psychos that we come across in our daily lives? Okay, maybe that last question was a personal editorial statement...forgive me. Gory and at times heartbreaking, this film will do nothing to endear the "clown community" to large segments of the population. For a neat horror film that will have you covering your eyes at times, see "Big Top Evil."
To view this film on Amazon click here: BIG TOP EVIL on AMAZON PRIME

Friday, October 25, 2019

Petrified, Nymphomaniacs Felled by Mummy

This is what we got! A inpatient home/clinic for nymphomaniac babes. Nymphomaniac babes making out with each other and having lesbian sex. An evil extra-terrestrial mummy brought back to life. The alien-mummy hunting down hot nymphomaniacs. With a lot of gratuitous nymphomaniac-lesbian pre-marital sex, and a mummy shredding them in the act, we have 2006's Full Moon Features, "Petrified," directed by Charles Band.
Okay, brought back to life with human blood, the aforementioned alien mummy kills a couple of art thieves. See, this alien can shoot red rays out of its eyes which petrify (turn to stone) people. Now a surviving criminal, Buzz (Roark Critchlow) is on the run...and the mummy is following. This is bad news for two hot nymphomaniacs who are having sex in the moonlight. Jess and Lilly (Shirley Brener and Pamela Morency) will be turned to stone and shredded, respectively. So sad...the beautiful always die so horribly...usually naked. Now Buzz runs into the aforementioned nympho-clinic to be met by babe Helen (Jessica Lancaster). Helen is there to "rescue" her sister Suze (Kimberly Dawn Guerrero), but as Buzz inquires, who would want to be cured of nymphomania? Good question.
The mummy enters the clinic too and finds Cory (Dana Lastrilla) and Marta (Kathryn Adams) having pre-marital sex. The hotties luckily escape. Mad-scientist/nymphomaniac doctor, Dr. Von Gelder (Ozman Sirgood), meets Buzz and establishes a safe-zone in his basement lab. The wounded Cory and Suze will join him, while Buzz and Helen (falling in love) search for the mummy...who searches for them. Uh oh...Cory is more than a hot babe...she's a hot Asian babe...and patient zero...but patient zero for what? You'll see. As the ET mummy shreds more nymphomaniacs, and as Buzz and Helen fall in love, Buzz reveals a startling secret to his new love interest. Oh yeah, the mummy seeks the severed hand of its spaceship captain (don't ask), and the hand goes after Cory.
This is a serious study into the human psyche and what gets our passions juiced up. The cheesecake is top notch and you gals will love Buzz...and his secret. Will the nymphomaniac community prove to be the savior of the world? Yeah, I think we all would answer that the same way. Will the ET mummy learn to have gratuitous love with the babes instead of war with them? Does the ancient revived mummy explain what felled the ancient Egyptian you thought it was Moses? This is such a satisfying movie and unfortunately so many babes will die horribly. For some gratuitous and prurient entertainment, see "Petrified."

Wednesday, October 23, 2019

Corpse Sniper, Army of the Dead

My favorite plot device. A mad scientist figures out a way to replace humans on the battlefield with either genetically altered monsters...or human zombies. As far as human zombies, this is actually a brilliant idea. If a soldier is killed...well...he already died. Sure, this could be a boom for the funeral industry, but the names on future memorials would be lessened. Hence 2018's "Corpse Sniper," directed by Keith R. Robinson.
Mad scientists in the British military are re-animating dead soldiers. Then they're trained and equipped to run special operations. As our film begins a mysterious zombie soldier (Max Staines) enters a back alley in Riga, Latvia and wipes out a drug gang, even after being shot dozens of times. Meanwhile, Diane (Eleri Jones) is very sad at her flat in England. Her husband has been killed in action and his body was stolen out of a military morgue. With her smart phone she finds out that many bodies of dead soldiers have gone missing from morgues. A mysterious phone call tips her off and she heads to a weird and secret military installation far outside the city.
There she is accosted by grotesque zombie soldiers but a good zombie soldier, the former Corporal Reece (Jordan Murphy), saves her. Diane communicates with him/it and figures out who he is/was. Now Reece's memories come flooding back. The British army believes these zombies are merely dead flesh but as Diane gets to the bottom of things, the zombies begin getting their memories back. Zombies with memories would ruin the project so an evil commander, Braddock (Kit Smith) targets Diane for death. He sends the mysterious red-eyed zombie after her. As the red-eyed monster pursues Diane, Diane tries desperately to get the thing to remember who he was. Commander Braddock then also sends another beast after the nubile Diane. The military needs the zombies absent of any memories, while Diane needs them to remember for her survival.
Will enough soldier corpses regain their memories in time to spare the pretty Diane? Will Diane find her dead husband among the soldier corpses? Is "Corpse Sniper" a religious metaphor about finding life through death? Okay, maybe not. This is a fun and fast-paced one that is more interested in making the zombies more human rather than an ominous end to mankind. For some nice zombie drama, even as "The Walking Dead" keeps inflicting nausea on all of us, see "Corpse Sniper."

Monday, October 21, 2019

Satan's Mistress, Nympho-Spirit and Naughty Housewife

"The Ghost and Mrs. Muir" this is not. Many of us are aware that the spirit world can get quite lonely. With so many neglected living babes in the world, one must expect that naughty supernatural trysts will occur. We've all been there...trying to sleep when a nympho spirit...well..never mind. In today's feature, the lovely Lana Wood will traipse through the entire movie either nude or with some silk lingerie falling off of her...thus making the spirits quite frisky. Hence 1982's "Satan's Mistress." (aka "Demon Rage"), directed by James Polakof.
The voluptuous Lisa (Wood) has a husband who hates her. Pity for Burt (Tom Hallick), as all Lisa wants to do is have marital sex. He blows it as a wayward spirit (Kabir Bedi) arrives and rapes Lisa several times before she learns to like it. If Lisa isn't getting her lingerie ripped off, she peels it off herself every chance she gets. Eventually she moves out of the marital bed into a downstairs studio where she has passionate sex with the spirit several times a day. Okay, Lisa's best friend Ann-Marie (Britt Ekland) is a psychic and figures out what is going on.
Burt comes to his senses and now wants Lisa back. Uh oh, the spirit is a jealous one and everyone in the house is endangered. In one scene, Ann-Marie joins the now nympho Lisa in the hot tub. Supernatural forces attack Ann-Marie and almost boil her to death. The spirit world gets homicidal as a guillotine offs a poor schmuck in the basement. Lisa's sexual escapades continue with the spirit and Burt and Ann-Marie join forces. More nudity and gratuitous sex continue, and attacks on Lisa's family get bloodier. As Lisa is drawn toward certain doom (though I have to say, what a way to go), Burt and Ann-Marie will place themselves in mortal danger to try to rescue her.
If the spirit won't let go of Lisa, can we blame Burt for making a move on Britt Ekland? If Burt saves Lisa, will she bring back some supernatural and deviant sex moves from her frolic in the spirit world? Just how can the lonely among us tap into the nymphomaniac spirit community? This is a gratuitous and prurient one, but if you are lonely, take a look at "Satan's Mistress."

Saturday, October 19, 2019

Razorteeth, Piranhas Eat Pennsylvania

It happens. Secret U.S.-Russian experiments get lost and all of a sudden mutant wildlife preys on good Americans. Yep, we all have our. taking-a-walk-when-suddenly-a-long-tooth-mutant-jumps-on-us-and-tries-to-eat-our-face-stories. Thanks to John and Mark Polonia we have 2005's "Razorteeth." This C grade film tells a pertinent story which is so familiar to all of us.
A secret government plane crashes in a Pennsylvania lake releasing mutant piranhas. The fish were headed to the weapons division at probably the NSA. It's a well known fact the NSA is experimenting with piranhas and cell phones. Okay, the things of course attack immediately. Agent Dawson (Brice Kennedy) sends Agent Fields there to clean things up. Clean-up includes eliminating anyone who knows about the fish. There won't be many as most will be eaten. Bikini clad Lira is one of the first in the classic bikini babe in the water eaten by toothy fish scene.
The piranhas show an ability to jump out of the water and eat many schmucks standing on the beach. Even better, they swim to outhouses and travel up rectums and burst out through stomachs...yes! Agent Fields meets a schmuck looking for Lira...the essential government employee then pulls out an Uzi and empties a clip into him. Uh oh for the fish, Agent Fields has also been equipped with a piranha killing bomb and he will be ordered to detonate it in the lake. This might not be so easy as the piranhas are getting smarter and in films like these, nothing is easy.
Will the sadistic Agent Fields get what he deserves at the hands of the piranhas? If this were a B grade film instead of a C grade film, would the bikini victims have been skinny-dipping victims? As the acid rain hoax died down, is this film a move by the environmentalist movement to scare people away from lake resorts? This one is a lot of fun and probably a lot more realistic and believable than any of the silly "Captain Marvel" or "Avengers" trash. See "Razorteeth" and learn that it doesn't cost $250 million to make good entertainment.

Thursday, October 17, 2019

Parasite, Environmental Idiots vs. Monsters

Go monsters! Yep, after watching this movie you will want to litter a sea turtle breeding ground with plastic straws. 2004's "Parasite" should not be confused with the one from the 1980s which starred Demi Moore. It is difficult to find a film in which we are cheering for the slimy worm creatures...or even worse...give us a gratuitous shower scene in which we do not want to see. Hence 2004's "Parasite," directed by Andrew Prendergast.
Okay...yawn...excuse me...a bunch of environmental terrorists (Alliance For Green Protection) are ticked off that Carmine Oil is operating offshore rigs...killing millions of fish. They plot the destruction of one of these rigs. Uh oh, Carmine Oil operates a rig which doesn't really exist for sucking up oil from the ocean bottom. No, this rig houses a very lethal and insane experiment. A parasite has been created and it has gotten out of hand and has eaten the crew. Now Carmine Oil sends Dr. Christine Hansen (Saskia Gould) to the rig to perfect her new invention, an enzyme cleaner (what? Don't ask). Christine now heads to the rig unaware that Carmine Oil's front office intends for her to get eaten. See, Christine is an environmental activist (and a bore), and they need her out of the way.
Wouldn't you know it, Christine's ex BF, Mickey (Conrad Whitaker), and his terrorists reach the rig simultaneously. Worse news, idiot rig foreman Jacob (G.W. Stevens) has poured Christine's enzyme cleaner into the air vents (don't ask), and now little toothy parasites grow into really big toothy parasites. The things will begin eating the crew, and terrorists, and sadly a beauty named Kim (Margaret Thompson). This will be extra sad and gory, as Kim is the only one we cheer for as she endured a very awkward gratuitous shower scene. The large worms lay eggs and squirm through air vents and corridors...but will they get to the babe Dr. Christine Hansen. As pretty as she is...we hope so.
Will Christine get picked apart like the nubile Kim, or will she be the final girl? Will our eco-terrorists think better about their life goals and invest in 401Ks which include stocks of Exxon and GE? Is this 2004 film a metaphor for the loss of credibility of the climate-change crowd? The monsters are cool, and some of the deaths are neat...what more do we need? As the burly and beautiful become worm food, we can all enjoy 2004's "Parasite."

Tuesday, October 15, 2019

The Hazing, College Babes and Hunks vs. Demons

So very sad! Brooke Burke is one of the loveliest woman ever to grace the silver screen. So when she dies so horribly in the opening scene, clad in an alluring belly-dancing, or harem, outfit...and she wears it so nice...on a sacrificial alter as Brad Dourif offers her up to a demonic deity, well...we cry. The beautiful die so horribly. Hence 2004's "The Hazing." There is good news for us guys...and yes, for you gals, as well. The rest of the film is teeming with hunks and babes including, one of our favorites, Tiffany Shepis who will be clad in a silver, tight space-babe outfit.
The evil Professor Kapps (Dourif) sacrifices the sultry Brooke Burke on an alter to evil deities, but he's interrupted by sorority pledge Marsha (Shepis). See, a bunch of pledges to a sorority and frat have been sent on a scavenger hunt dressed in ridiculous Halloween costumes. Kapps chases the space-babe suit clad Marsha and will eventually get impaled by a big horn (don't ask). Marsha and her partner, Doug (Philip Andrew) will abscond with an evil book (think Necronomicon). Part two of the the other pledges in a cursed house, steeped with a homicidal mystery. Enter the geek Tim (Parry Shen), bimbo Delia (Nectar Rose) clad in a Playboy bunny outfit, and Roy (Jeremy Maxwell).
Now in this cursed house until sunrise, Kapps spirit has followed our hunks and babes, As Delia and Roy hit the bed for some gratuitous oral and deviant sex, Roy is possessed and his tongue grows to six feet long and violates her satisfaction, I might add. The tongue is cut off and Kapps then possesses Doug, making him a demon. As our hunks and babes endure a deadly attack that will see Roy decapitated, Marsha and Tim will fall in love. Uh oh, our Playboy bunny Delia isn't the bimbo she seemed, and she grabs a chainsaw and other weapons and goes tactical. Following Delia's lead, Marsha and Tim join her in all out war against Kapps' evil spirit and other demonic forces.
Oh should know, the space-babe Marsha, and Playboy bunny Delia will engage in plenty of cat-fight action. The actresses and actors are indeed hunks and babes and you guys will love the cheesecake, and you gals will adore the beefcake. With some gratuitous plot devices, which include the violation of Delia by demonic tentacles and tongue, some neat gore, and plenty of horrific action, "The Hazing," directed by Rolfe Kanefsky, is a top notch horror film for the Halloween season.

Sunday, October 13, 2019

Hydra, Five Headed Death

That thing from the Godzilla film had three heads...wuss! You know what they say, five heads are better than three...especially when the heads are quite toothy. Throw in the Sword of Hercules and the Chamber of Zeus, and we have today's feature, 2009's "Hydra." Oh so much here...sadly we will have to leave much out including the horrible death of a sultry bikini babe (Jana Williams) at the hands (or teeth) of the aforementioned heads.
Okay, as our story begins an archaeological expedition is looking for the aforementioned treasures. They'll be eaten by a three headed monster...except for Valerie (Polly Shannon)...who escapes and hides in a cave. Did I say three heads? Yep...see, if you blow off one of its heads, two grow back. Vincent (Alex McArthur), the rich husband of the ill-fated bikini babe, assembles four billionaires. These rich-folk will be dropped off on an uncharted island and hunt...humans. The four schmuck humans who will be hunted have been kidnapped. No spoilers here, but their abductions and selections were not random. Most notable abductees are the sultry Gwen (Dawn Olivieri) and Special Forces hunk Tim (George Stults)...they'll fall in sweet.
Now everyone is dropped on the island ignorant of the fact that the monster Hydra is hungry and ticked off. The beast begins its attacks as the hunters begin the hunt. Oh yeah...remember Valerie...she's back and pretty loony now. Tim doesn't like being hunted and assembles his schmuck mates to begin hunting the hunters. Gwen is almost raped by one of the schmucks. As Gwen and Tim fall in love, and as hunters and schmucks are ripped apart and eaten, and as the loony Valerie traipses through this god-forsaken island...the writers of this film desperately search for a plot device for the gratuitous and bloody death of the aforementioned bikini-babe (who isn't even on the island), which they will find.
Will the Hydra eat the loony Valerie and sultry Gwen...thereby dieting on a trifecta of babes? Will the very capable hunk Tim be able to save the beautiful and nubile? Will any of the well armed hunters be able to mount an offense on this mythological beast? This is a fun and ambitious one and fans of Syfy Channel films will love "Hydra," directed by Andrew Prendergast. 

Friday, October 11, 2019

Bad Blood: The Movie, WereFrog Attacks

Werewolves are classic fodder for horror films...always have been. Even today, werewolf films are still entertaining us. Why should wolves have all the fun. Why does a werewolf get to have pre-marital sex with Rhona Mitra in the third "Underworld" film and not an amphibian. But wait! Now we have a were-amphibian (were-frog, more specifically) film. Perhaps pre-marital sex with Rhona Mitra would be too much to ask, at least the amphibian community has finally made strides in the equality discussion among species. Hence 2016's "Bad Blood: The Movie."
Okay...Mass murderer, and former university mad-scientist, reportedly escapes from a prison van. He pulled the heads off three guards and five fellow prisoners. In reality, the mad-scientist/mass murderer is a were-frog. Yep, when the full moon comes, he changes into a seven foot tall killer frog monster. Now loose, he's on thr prowl. This isn't good for college beauty Victoria (Mary Malloy). The sultry, now, college drop-out, steals her parents car, picks up her babe friend (Chelsea Howard), and heads to a party. Uh oh, she needs to stop at a gas station...bad move. In an instant, the frog monster rips off her friend's head and attacks her. Victoria is saved by another mad-scientist/gas station attendant (Vikus Adam).
The gas station mad-scientist has a lab in the basement of the service station...must be an Exxon. In there, he's experimenting on frogs, and saves Victoria. Bad news for Victoria, she's a were-frog now. On the full moons, she will also prowl. Okay, stop is not a metaphor for menstrual cycles! Even worse news...Victoria's parents have hired Paul (Troy Halverson), a private-eye with homicidal fantasies and tendencies, to find her. Now Victoria must take specific injections from our gas station guy in order to prevent the change. Uh oh again...Paul finds her, brings her back to her parents, and her dad destroys her antidote. Now the full moon is coming, and Victoria doesn't have any way to stop the change (as most men don't). The carnage will be intense.
Will Victoria shred her family? Will our Exxon clerk invent a cure for this lunar malady? Will were-frog Victoria enjoy the sex life the Lycan guy did in "Underworld: Rise of the Lycans"? What follows Victoria's return to her parents will be vicious and heartbreaking, as this film will prove gratuitous in its gore and violence. For a fresh take on the Lon Chaney classic, and a response to the little heard voices in the amphibian community, enjoy "Bad Blood: The Movie," directed by Tim Reis. 

Wednesday, October 9, 2019

Raptor, or is it Carnosaur 4?

I know, after the 'Carnosaur' trilogy we all thirsted for Roger Corman to make a fourth one. Well...maybe he did. Women appeared doomed after the trilogy as the U.S. Army was already exploring contingency plans for a world without women (okay, stop that! I hear you divorced guys out there yelling YES!!!). Fortunately women still exist in 2001's "Raptor," in fact one eye-popping woman plays the animal control officer, clad mostly in alluring blue undies, or very tight jeans, and a often uncovered midriff. Yes, this is a Roger Corman production of a Jim Wynorski directed film. Oh yes...Eric Roberts...always great to see Eric Roberts.
The Eunice Corporation (remember them from the other 'Carnosaur' films?) is alive and well. The new resident mad-scientist is Dr. Hyde (Corbin Bernsen)...and he's hatching raptors and T-Rexs' from chicken eggs. One gets loose and shreds some great looking college kids in the desert. More will die horribly and Sheriff Jim (Roberts) starts investigating. So does the sultry Barbara (Melissa Brasselle), the aforementioned animal control officer. She wants pre-marital sex with the sheriff, but he is bent on penetrating the Eunice Corporation for signs of dinosaur experimentation. After some gratuitous Barbara in underwear scenes, the plot continues.
Instead of pre-marital sex, the sheriff and Barbara both penetrate (there's that word again) the Eunice Corporation. Hyde was waiting for them and locks them up in a cage. Then the sheriff's plan is enacted and it is a really stupid one that will end up killing all the Delta Force and Marines that come try to help them...including a very sultry helicopter pilot (Alexandra Raines Lewinson) sad. Fear not, two dozen guys in orange rain coats are dropped in...they run into the Eunice Corporation...then run further that's cinema! Fans of the first three 'Carnosaur' films will recognized scenes from those films inserted in the final scenes here. As Barbara runs and jiggles and as the dinosaurs eat army men, Sheriff Jim is going to have to come up with a better plan to save the world from dinosaurs.
Will the nubile and quite jiggly Barbara ever get pre-marital sex with the sheriff? Will the dinosaurs succeed in eliminating all women from the planet? Just who were those men in orange raincoats...non-essential government employees?  For some gratuitous animal control officer jiggling, "Raptor" is the film to see.

Tuesday, October 8, 2019

Mater, When prayer Isn't Enough

It is easy to say 'there is a natural order' to our existences. We're born...we grow...we die. During the middle part we love, are hurt, are nurtured, life. The beliefs we acquire and the divine that we seek provide great comfort, rules to live by, and a larger understanding than our surroundings would suggest. Belief in God and eternal life through that belief makes the unbearable most people. Hence a 12 minute horror short from France by David Teixeira, "Mater."
She's (Lea N'Kaoua) beautiful, and grieving. This young woman prepares to pay a visit to her dying mother. The young woman is deliberate in her preparations as she dons a black outfit, slightly Victorian and more than slightly appropriate for the mourning that is near. With the same deliberateness she clutches her crucifix, kneels, and prays for her mother. Her routine for this sad ritual is practiced and comforting, and anointed by her God. This is a horrific tale and it is about to get most horrific...get ready.
A short walk in the woods will take her to her mother's house, where her mom is clutching to her last vestiges of life. Uh oh...the walk didn't go according to routine. Out of nowhere a mysterious man (form, actually) clad in black appears and offers herbs that will relieve the mom's pain. Who is this guy (thing)? It will soon be obvious that it, and his herbs, are hardly benign. What happens to mom is terrifying, especially for the praying and devout young lady seeking to give care and comfort. Now filled with horror, our young protagonist panics, loses her bearings (in her faith and her direction). No spoilers here but what follows will be hard to watch as evil seeks to soil beauty.
What unfolds in this 12 minute short is truly horrific (there is that word again), but perhaps an important moral can be gleaned. The horror moves in when vulnerability and deviance from faith move in. The onslaught that will attack our protagonist perhaps awaits all of us if we deviate from a true path. Misery, sorrow, and perhaps a smattering of guilt are just the mixture that can propel us to a meeting with an ultimate foe. David Teixeira's film will be hard to watch, and conjure up terrifying images in our own minds. Be ready to examine your own faith and conviction as you watch "Mater." Incidentally, Lea N'Kaoua's performance is most striking and I doubt any other actress could've pulled it off.

Monday, October 7, 2019

Witchouse, Babes, Hunks, and a Witch

The beautiful and the handsome will die so horribly in this tale of witchery and revenge. They'll get decapitated, ravaged in the shower, and possessed to where they are no longer beautiful. But will any survive the wrath of a creature emanating from the depths of Hell? I know...we can all ask ourselves that same question and apply the answer to our daily existences. Hence a Full Moon feature, directed by David DeCoteau, 1999's "Witchouse."
Alas, the fates of hunk Bob (jason Faunt) and Margaret (Kimberly Pullis)! They die horribly even before the plot gets going. The great looking duo are the first to arrive at an old castle for Elizabeth's (Ashley McKinney Taylor) weird party. Instead, Elizabeth is nowhere to be found, so Bob and Margaret find the basement (satanic temple) and engage in pre-marital sex. Yep...they both will die horribly. Enter the other guests, who don't know Elizabeth is descended from witches. College chums get chummy real fast as Maria (Marissa Tait) and Scott (Dane Northcutt) will find a bedroom and also engage in pre-marital sex and a gratuitous shower scene...their fate will be worse than death.
Okay, as the two lovebirds are'll see...Elizabeth makes an appearance. Her most notable friends are Jack (Matt Raftery), an electronics nerd, Jennifer (Monica Serene Garnich), a nerd beauty, and the tough but kinky Janet (Brooke Mueller). As hunks and babes continue to die horribly, this trio emerge as a fighting force. Ah, but wait! Why have these guests been chosen? Now Elizabeth conjures up a millennium old demon, Lilith (Ariauna Albright), and she is bent on revenge for the witch trials of 1698...yep, the dame holds grudges. As Lilith and Elizabeth stalk the remaining hunks and beauties, the two nerds, and possible virgins, Jack and Jennifer use their brains and science to repel the evil duo and secure Janet arms herself with a'll see.
Just what do Lilith and Elizabeth have planned for their hunk and babe guests, and why were these classmates chosen? Will the tough Janet survive and be the inspiration for anti-heroine character in a series of graphic novels? Can Jack and Jennifer survive and de-virginize each other? You gals will love the beefcake and you guys will love the cheesecake in this tale of bloody revenge and carnal behavior. For an inspirational 90 minutes during this Halloween season, enjoy "Witchouse."

Sunday, October 6, 2019

Night Night Donnie, The Irony in a Zombie Apocalypse

Oh the irony! The world is ending and assassins are still employed. Kind of like asking a deck-boy to swab the decks after the Titanic hit the iceberg. Okay, bad analogy. Of course most assassins aren't like Jason Statham or Charles Bronson in "The Mechanic" films. Nope...they're more like schmucks who get introduced to their contractors by some over eager bartender. Don't ask me how I know this. Hence we look at "Night Night Donnie," a 2019 short horror film by Thomas Taylor-Randall.
Okay, two schmucks...I mean assassins, Mike (Brandon Chadwick) and Pete (Randall) have received a contract. The contract is to kill Mad Cunt Donnie (Leon Dewsbury). Oh yes...Mike is the style of the group...not someone who wants to get his hands dirty, as Pete is the muscle. Uh broadcasts from the BBC indicate a virus is spreading and it spreads through bites. Yep, we know the score. Double uh oh, an opening scene indicates Mad Cunt Donnie has been infected and his elixir is a bottle of that will work.
As the duo head over to Donnie's place for the hit, Mike cons Pete to do the dirty-work. The interplay between these two blokes, who kinda have that "Snatch" type chemistry going on, is almost classic. The news from the BBC gets more ominous, and our ill-prepared duo bicker and plot on the way to Donnie's. Little do they know, what they will find...though we the viewer have a pretty good idea. Stop! This is a 21 minute film, and suffice it to say that really bad (apocalyptic) stuff is on its way. As our two Charles Bronson wannabes plod toward their task-at-hand, the balance of civilization has tipped.
How will our assassin duo fare once they arrive at Donnie's home? Is the demeanor of Mad Cunt Donnie apt to become even more cunt-ish after he turns? If an assassin kills someone who is already dead...actually...never mind. This is a fresh, fast-paced, and ominous film and Mr. Randall absolutely gets the horror across, even in the flippant conversation and interplay between Mike and Pete. Outstanding performances and a fresh snippet about the zombie apocalypse, make "Night Night Donnie" a must see. I hope horror festivals accept and show this film.
If you would like to see "Night Night Donnie," click on this link Night Night Donnie on YouTube

Saturday, October 5, 2019

Site 1, Test Subject in Isolation

Guilt? Isolation? Deprivation? What unfolds before our eyes requires some thought, and perhaps a deep and convicting look in our own mirrors. 2018's "Site 1" is the magnum opus of fitness and exercise guru Matias Page. There exists a temptation to compare this film to 1965's "Repulsion," the Catherine Deneuve horror film. Unlike "Repulsion," the protagonist in this horror film doesn't appear to be insane...yet. Norman Bates told us that we all go a little mad sometimes, and perhaps that is what is happening here, though something heavier seems to be at work here.
Matthew (Page), a nice looking hunk, arrives at a weird an dimly lit house. A package is waiting for him at the front stoop and after he burgles his way inside the weirdness starts. The package contains some pills, a gun, and a few other odd objects, and Matthew is given an instruction/workbook, and a tape in which a Dr. Wallace feeds him instructions.  Dr. Wallace? Apparently he has a technique that changes reality in your mind...really...or maybe not...never mind. Now Matthew is the test subject, apparently a willing one, and some of the macabre instructions he is given are "Do not let any living thing touch you." One wonders if that is a literal that will be a question you will have to figure out.
Yep, another instruction tells Matthew to take some of the provided pills and then record some specific symptoms. Uh someone else in the house? Another uh oh, there was a previous test subject and that subject didn't fare well. The weird Wallace appears to be in control of the obedient Matthew...but looks can be deceiving. Matthew, as we find out, has his own motives that Dr. Wallace will not like. Matthew is on a mission to reconnect with something lost, something that hurts, and he knows the only path to do that is through Wallace's experiment. There will be some weirdness in the form of noises, other occupants in the house, malicious spirits...and bugs. As Matthew gets deeper and deeper into Wallace's mind experiment, he becomes more antagonistic in his quest to reconnect and escape.
Just who is this Dr. Wallace guy and what happened in his previous experiments? What is Matthew looking for, exactly, and what dangers is he exposing himself to in plunging head first into the experiment? Is Matthew really sane, or is his own mind playing reality tricks on him? This is a dark and deep horror film that perhaps tells u something about quests we all hold with passion. For an unsettling journey, perhaps deep into our own minds, enjoy "Site 1."
To see this film on YouTube, click this link Site 1 on YouTube

Thursday, October 3, 2019

Scarecrow County, A Town With Secrets

Ah those tiny little secrets. Okay, those not so little secrets. The types of secrets that throw dirt on top of a grave and stew in our souls until the day we die. But wait! Not even the CIA can keep a secret, and when the blood starts flowing, the secret becomes a pitchforked wielding killer. Hence the latest film from John Oak Dalton, 2019's "Scarecrow County." Call it Hoosier-Sploitation, or a deadly morality tale, both work...but Mr. Dalton again gives us a reminder that the best horror are poignant morality tales.
Poor Paige (Iabou Windimere)...instead of opting for pre-marital sex, she and her BF play with a Ouija board. Death and destruction follow. Now something is unleashed (or awakened). Parker City, Indiana, a town with a secret...a dying town that is dying by the minute. Something awful happened many years ago causing Joey to commit suicide (or was it murder?). Now one by one, the town elders, who were Joey's high-school pals, begin dying in bloody fashion. Suspects? A few, but Winnie (Chelsi Kern) emerges as the sweet protagonist. She is the town librarian and her burden is heavy. She tends to her alcoholic dad, Brownie (Tom Cherry), and her suicidal adult sister Zoe (Rachel Redolfi).
As the town elders begin assuming room temperature, Zoe's artwork begins to take on a life of its own. A menacing demon-like character intrudes on Zoe's canvas and Winnie accidentally finds Joey's diary. Uh oh...the diary has secrets that no one wants discovered, and Brownie burns it before Winnie can read it. The diary returns from the ashes, along with a phantom scarecrow, and is present during the horrific deaths of Parker City's VIPs. Oh yeah, remember the suspects question? Well, guess who just happens to have showed up in town right as the homicides begin? Prentiss (John Bradley Hambrick), the son of the first town elder to die. Although, a supernatural tone has overtaken this film one wonders if the killer is something conjured up from the Ouija board or Zoe's drawings.
You'll see, but the answer is multi-dimensional and and draws in every aspect of the plot. Will any of the town elders survive the wrath of whatever their secret is? Will Winnie be able to save her suicidal sister and/or her secret-ridden dad? Is the pitchfork wielding specter a vengeful demon or an angel of justice? Enjoy this supernatural tale set in rural Indiana, and perhaps survey your own past for secrets that may just come back someday...with a bladed weapon. "Scarecrow County" is a fine story and the morality lesson put forth is timeless.