Wednesday, February 27, 2019

Crocodile, Tobe Hooper's Magnum Opus

It is no secret that my favorite movie of all time is Crocodile 2: Death Swamp . This 2002 horror epic followed a lesser known film, 2000's "Crocodile," directed by Tobe Hooper. Like 'Crocodile 2' the "Crocodile" has everything a great monster film should have...gore...beefcake and cheesecake...great kills...a neat creature...and an epic ending. Fans of the Syfy channel may have seen these two films, but if you haven' so!
Some great looking hunks and babes are spending Spring Break in a houseboat on a lake. Marijuana, adult beverages, Rock & Roll, and pre-marital sex will rule the day. Claire (Caitlin Martin), who is clad in a bikini for much of the film, joins her hunk BF Brady (Mark McLachlan). The two will suck face and have the aforementioned pre-marital sex. Uh oh...a former one-night stand of Brady's also joins the party, Sunny (Sommer Knight). Sunny likes having guys do body shots off her bikini clad torso. The crocodile attacks! A 50 foot one that may be an Egyptian deity (don't ask). It eats the drunkest of the kids (Greg Wayne) and sets the houseboat adrift.
The gals, still clad in bikinis bicker and behave like girls. They'll look great as the monster chews them up. The guys will look great w/o shirts on, and will also look great as the thing crunches on them. Now the surviving hunks and babes are on the run. Sunny, who is still trying to seduce Brady, and who set off earlier for skinny-dipping, is amazingly still alive. Claire isn't speaking to Brady anymore as she is mad he also had pre-marital sex with the skank...and the skank looks better in a bikini than her. They run fast, even the sultry Annabelle (Julie Mintz), who had been the only one behaving kinda like an adult starts acting childish...spoiler alert...she'll get it while using the restroom...heartbreaking! Uh oh...there might be a reason, other than nutritional needs, the monster is chasing the hunks and babes.
Will any of the hunks and babes survive? Does the skinny-dipping skank actually have a chance at surviving until the end credits? Is the giant crocodile a mere metaphor for the bleak future that awaits our under prepared and immature college graduates? This is a fun one and the scenes where the creature eats cast members are gratuitous. For some great looking beefcake and cheesecake, some nice gore, and a heartwarming story of when passions collide...see Tobe Hooper's "Crocodile."

Monday, February 25, 2019

Shark Killer, A Real Man vs. Man-eater

You gotta like the protagonist in this thriller. He's Chase Walker! Who is Chase Walker and what does he do? He is a shark hunter...not an auditor or a non-essential government employee. He is a womanizer, not some metro-sexual who shows his vulnerability. His gig is that he shows up at beaches, and when a bikini babe is about to be eaten by a shark...he dives in, kills the shark, and has wild pre-marital sex with the bikini babe. Okay, I know, we all have those summers in our youth when we did that exact same thing, but it is nice to see it in the movies.
Chase (Derek Theler), hunk-extraordinaire, dives into the Hawaiian surf to save bikini clad Cindy (Ashleigh van der Hoven). He saves and the two have pre-marital sex. Jasmine (Erica Cerra), a beautiful lawyer, interrupts and whisks him to Capetown. Chase is hired by crime-lord Jake (Paul du Toit). Jake desires immediate pre-marital sex with Jasmine, but she will have none of that nonsense...yet. Jake hires Chase to retrieve the world's largest diamond. One of Jake's men was holding it when a great white shark ate him. Jake needs to find the shark and retrieve the diamond.
Uh oh, Nix (Arnold Vosloo), an even meaner crime-lord wants the diamond and lets Chase know he will kill him if he doesn't bring him the diamond. Chase, being the man's man that he is, pursues Jasmine and works on getting her into bed. Guess what...Jasmine starts liking him, probably realizing he is a real man, not like those wimpish milquetoast weirdos who try to pass themselves off as men. Chase better hurry as Nix abducts Jasmine, strips her, hoses her down and fits her with a sleek black cocktail dress. If Chase won't bring him the diamond, he will carve her up. Oh yeah...the shark? The beast is eating swimmers and boaters. As Nix uses recently murdered boaters as bait, Chase sets out to save Jasmine, retrieve the diamond, and kill Nix.
The ending is spectacular. Just when you think this is more of a crime thriller than killer shark tale...the beast attacks. Will Chase get to have pre-marital sex with Jasmine? How likely is it that the monster shark will give up its swollen gem?  What does Chase have planned for Nix? No spoilers here but Nix' fate is so'll see. Directed by Sheldon Wilson, "Shark Killer" is a terrific story of a real man pursuing basic carnal sex with sultry women...and killing sharks on the way. 

Saturday, February 23, 2019

4Got10, Dolph Lundgren...Danny Trejo...Natassia Malthe

Dolph Lundgren! Danny Trejo! Natassia Malthe!  Do you really need to hear anymore? If you do, how about a lot of bloodied corpses, an elongated gunfight, some steamy sex, and more gunfights? This one is kind of like a light Coen brothers film. Interestingly enough this film came out about five years after Harvey Weinstein raped Natassia Malthe in her hotel room, and there is a scene in this film in which Ms. Malthe's character'll see. From 2015 "4Got10" directed by Timothy Woodward, Jr.
Brian (Johnny Messner) wakes up with amnesia at the aftermath of a bloody gunfight. Corpses litter the dessert and Brian is the only one with a heartbeat. $3 million in drug cartel cash is also there. The cash? Yep belongs to a ruthless cartel guy, Perez (Trejo). The sheriff (Michael Pare) shows up and finds the cash. He and Brian meet and Brian shoots his ear off and absconds with the cash. Uh oh, Perez' son is killed in the gunfight and Perez is after more blood and the cash. As the amnesiac Brian, wounded and confused, flees with the cash, the sheriff, Perez, and a mean DEA agent, Rooker (Lundgren) pursue him.
Brian crashes his van at a house that just so happens to belong to Perez' lawyer...and his hot wife, Christine (Malthe). Brian has no idea who he is, but Christine does. Christine's husband constantly forces her to perform deviant sex and Christine is happy that Brian tied him up. She will then willingly have deviant sex with Brian and she obviously knows him well. Harvey Weinstein eat your heart out. Uh oh...Perez, and the sheriff are on their way. As Christine satisfies Brian, she herself plots to abscond with the cash. As for Christine's abusive hubby...well, in a figurative way she divorces him. As the conclusion rapidly approaches, lots more will be murdered, and a twisted revelation awaits.
Natassia Malthe turns in an incredibly steamy performance rivaling her performance in "BloodRayne: The Third Reich."  Everyone in the cast looks like they could pull out a pistol and blow a dozen schmucks away at any second. Will Brian get away with the cartel cash? Will Dolph Lundgren and Danny Trejo have a knock down drag out melee? Is Natassia Malthe's performance her way of telling Harvey Weinstein, "Screw you, you piece of s#@t!"?  A fun film, no doubt. Fans of the Coen brothers will see some of the twists coming. For a vicious good time with a very erotic Natassia Malthe performance, see "4Got10."

Thursday, February 21, 2019

Bonnie & Clyde vs. Dracula, Vampire Does Outlaws

As the Great Depression drove many desperate Americans into lives of violent crime, the supernatural also took a foothold on the heartland. Dillinger, Capone, Pretty Boy Floyd, and of course Bonnie and Clyde perpetuated much carnage with bullets, but the toothy menaces also found fertile ground. In a gritty, realistic horror film, we will see what happens when these two scourges on the American landscape mesh. Hence 2008's "Bonnie & Clyde vs. Dracula."
Bonnie and Clyde (Tiffany Shepis and Trent Haaga) rip through rural America spraying Tommy-gun carnage along the way. Pursued by the law the duo hole up in the outskirts of a farm community. Meanwhile, in a mysterious house nearby, the mad-scientist Dr. Loveless (Allen Lowman) conducts experiments to restore his body back to normal after being horribly disfigured. His beautiful half-wit sister Annabel (Jennifer Friend) is forced to act as his assistant. She is imprisoned by Lawless and detained by an electronic collar that mandates her loyalty. Oh yes...the experiment! Lawless has recovered Dracula's remains and has succeeded in restoring the bloodsucker to life (or whatever you call it).
Now Dracula wants blood...female blood. As Bonnie and Clyde attempt to rob some moonshiners a vicious gunfight erupts and their buddy is hit. Bonnie learns a doctor lives in a nearby house and she goes to fetch him...not knowing the doctor is a mad-scientist and his guest, Dracula, awaits for her blood.  Bonnie sets her sights on the house and Annabel plots a daring escape from her brother and the vampire. As Dracula bites his way through a weird dinner party thrown in his honor, Annabel will have to dodge corpses and the undead to escape and Bonnie is set to walk into an ambush...of her jugular vein.
Quirky and weird, this film may seem an awkward attempt to weave a few different plots together. Stay with it, however, as Annabel will connect the dots with her weirdness and innocence. As off-beat as this film is, the ending is incredibly eerie and unsettling. As Faye Dunaway and Warren Beatty rightly assume their places in the forgotten actors of yesteryear category, Tiffany Shepis and Trent Haaga do a fine job as the homicidal pair. Directed by Timothy Friend, "Bonnie & Clyde vs. Dracula" is a weird and horrific jaunt through the depression era heartland.

Tuesday, February 19, 2019

Alligator X, Damsels in the Swamp

There is beauty in the swamp if you look in the right places. In 2014's "Alligator X" (aka "Xtinction: Predator X") the beauty isn't hard to find. A sultry brunette wearing a push up bra, a very tight skirt and very high heels tromps through the bayou in much peril. Even better, a hot blonde...Mandy (Lacey Minchew). This isn't the gal Barry Manilow sung way. This feisty vixen will be pummeled by white swamp trash, sexually assaulted repeatedly by those fiends, chased by a monster, sexually assaulted and pummeled some more...and through it all...she blows up things...lots of things. You will have to watch the entire film to see if she blows up Alligator X.
A mad scientist, Charles (Mark Sheppard) enters the Louisiana swamp with his new creation. He has cloned some prehistoric dinosaur and seeks to breed it. He and his white trash henchmen kidnap schmucks and feed it to the thing. The sultry brunette, Laura (Elena Lyons) returns to the swamp from New Orleans when she finds out her dad is missing. She is also Charles'  ex. The tight-skirted clad babe immediately starts making goo-goo eyes at  Sheriff Tim (Lochlyn Munro)...yep, the two fall in love. Sheriff Tim will prove quite useless in this film so we will not mention him again.
Taking over her pop's business, Laura takes Mandy and her fiance on a swamp tour. They'll all be abducted. The fiance will be fed to the monster and the swamp trash will have their way with Mandy. Charles arrives and tries to force Laura to sell him pop's land...perfect breeding ground for the monster.
As Mandy continues to get beat-up and assaulted, she gets mad. Uh oh for Charles and the bayou white trash...the gals escape. Now the two beauties are trudging through the bayou with a mad scientist, swamp trash, and a monster chasing them. Laura may have spunk but Mandy has a penchant for fire, bombs, and'll fall in love with this vixen.
Will Mandy blow up Alligator X before she is impregnated by the swamp trash? Will Laura's very sexy wardrobe win her any points with a monster that wants to eat her? Will the fact that the swamp boys want to rape Mandy and not Laura cause strife between these two beauties? Finding beauty in the swamp was very easy in "Alligator X" (directed by Amir Valinia). Let us hope someday Mandy becomes the subject of a graphic novel series...or made for Syfy TV show.

Sunday, February 17, 2019

Gila!, Fast Cars, Monster, and a Great Cat-Fight

Decades passed and we all clamored for a remake of "The Giant Gila Monster." Finally...we have it. Hey, by the way...remember how great Kelli Maroney looked as a Uzi-wielding cheerleader in "Night of the Comet"? Well, she'll look fantastic here with a six-shooter holstered to her hip. babes with guns, big monsters, fast cars and some hunks will carry 2012's "Gila!" Oh yes, this was directed by Jim Wynorski.
Don (Brian Patrick McCulley) and his sultry date Betty (Adrienne Atkins) are attacked by a giant Gila monster. Simultaneously, cute hunk Chase (Brian Gross) races his hot-rod as his sultry GF Lisa (Madeline Voges) watches with pride. Uh oh...and old rival, Waco Bob (Jesse Janzen) and his trouble-making GF Carla (Christina DeRosa) arrive. Carla and Lisa give each other the once-over with a promise for a great cat-fight. Chase and Waco Bob obviously have a score to settle. Meanwhile our giant creature friend eats cattle and farmers as Sheriff Parker (Terence Knox) and Deputy Wilma (Maroney) investigate.
After a mysterious auto wreck Chase sees the beast and teams up with the sheriff to save the town before the thing eats it. This won't be easy as Waco Bob decides to try to murder Chase and Carla will do her best to steal Chase from Lisa. Lisa won't take this affront lying down and attacks Carla...yes!!! Machine guns and nitroglycerin will be used and explosions and gunfights will dot our plot. As Lisa and Carla exude gratuity, a very sad fate will await Deputy Wilma. Don't be addition to the gritty realism of "Gila!", a sickeningly sweet and sappy drama unfolds that pays homage to the original 1959 classic.
Will Chase, the Sheriff, and their posse end the reign of the monster? Will Carla and Lisa rip each others false eyelashes and clothes off? Does Chase need to fear Waco Bob and his six-shooter more than the creature? Its always great to see Kelli Maroney and fans of the original classic will love the treatment Jim Wynorski has for it. For some fun, great beefcake and cheesecake, and guns...see "Gila!"

Friday, February 15, 2019

Haunted Hollywood, Revenge of the Silents

An important and often ignored era in Hollywood came to an unceremonious end. About the time of "The Great Depression," talking pictures started showing. The silent films, and their stars, could not compete. Some stars made the transition...most did not. Did the great talent of the Silent Era deserve to be packed away and forgotten? Hence the 2012 Charles Band film "Haunted Hollywood" (aka "The Dead Want Women").
The sultry silent actress Rose Pettigrew (Jean Louise O'Sullivan) throws a ritzy party at her mansion to celebrate the release of her newest film. She sneaks away into a secret dungeon room with three of her perverted friends, the great western actor Sonny Barnes (Eric Roberts), comedic actor Tubby (Nihilist Gelo), and handsome actor Erik (Robert Zachar). These four partake in a weird orgy as two nude flappers are brought in (Jeanie Marie Sullivan and Misty Anderson). As everyone gets 'satisfied', Rose is brought the news the studio has dropped her contract as talkies are the new thing. Upset, Rose kills everyone in the orgy and slices her own throat.
Present day, Reese (Jessica Morris) and Danni (Ariana Madix) are two beautiful realtors getting Rose's mansion ready for sale. No one has occupied it in 80 years...yep...haunted. Soon, the two beauties are visited by the ghosts of Sonny, Tubby, and Erik. The trio are menacing and won't let our realtors leave. Also appearing is one of the nude flappers. They chase the realtors, catch them, and bring them to the dungeon. The trio need the women for a rite that will bring Rose back to life. Torture and humiliation are endured by Reese and Danni, but it will soon get more dangerous for them. As daggers and guns make it into the festivities, the realtors get desperate and their fate begins to look hopeless.
Will Reese and Danni figure out a way to escape their tormentors? What will the return of Rose mean for our beautiful realtors? Is this film a mere metaphor for the out-of-control real estate market in southern California? This is a decadent film and the fate of our realtors may not leave you smiling. "Haunted Hollywood" will appeal to prurient tastes of horror film fans, as the actresses in this film are all sultry...and perhaps'll see.

Wednesday, February 13, 2019

Dead Cert, Vampires vs. Strippers

Okay...sorry! Vampires vs. exotic dancers. The tag line is just a gratuitous attempt by me to haul in new readers. To be honest, the above mentioned bout was hardly a conflict as the, sorry...exotic dancers were pretty much decimated with ease by the toothy menaces. They either died horribly or became brides of some eastern European prince of darkness. Heavy on gratuity and gore, 2010's "Dead Cert" may be what we get when we mesh Guy Ritchie's "Snatch" with vampires...sans Brad Pitt and Jason Statham.
Freddy (Craig Fairbrass)runs an honest business in London, The Paradise Gentlemen's Club. Booze, loud music, and the best looking, sorry...exotic dancers in England. All is good., exotic dancers are happy, customers are happy, and Freddy and his really sultry wife, Jen (Lisa McAllister) are happy. Then a Romanian businessman (aka Vampire) arrives in town with an offer Freddy won't be allowed to refuse. The vampire, Livenko (Billy Murray), with deceit, supernatural efforts, and savvy business acumen, wrestles the club away from Freddy. Immediately, Livenko goes to work on the, exotic dancers. Most of them will become brides of the night. A Van Helsing figure arrives and fills Freddy in on the deceit he was victim of. Mason (Steven Berkoff) has been chasing Livenko for years and is determined to end his reign of terror.
Freddy learns the hard way, and at the cost of many friends and much blood, that Mason knows what he is talking about. Ticked off that a bloodsucker stole his club and his, exotic dancers, Freddy plans a full scale attack on Livenko and his vampire minions. Exotic dancer cat-fights will brighten up this not too original plot line. Stay tuned for Freddy's sultry wife, Jen...she'll have an epic cat-fight with Livenko's main vampire bride (Jennifer Matter).
Blood will spurt, stilettos and fishnets will  fly, and wooden stakes will render cold justice in this war between an honest businessman and the minions of the undead. Will the virtue of the exotic dancers be upheld by Freddy? Is a horde of exotic dancer/vampire women such a bad thing? If Livenko is successful against Freddy, will the ever increasing London zoning regulations rid England of this vampire army? Directed by Steven Lawson, "Dead Cert" isn't entirely original, but the action and gratuitous nature of the plot and settings makes it a worthwhile film.

Monday, February 11, 2019

Cyborg X, Danny Trejo and Machine Gun vs. Cyborgs

It was such a beautiful thing. Danny Trejo, armed with a fully automatic machine gun spewing a gazillion rounds per second. Approaching him is a really mean looking Cyborg doing the same to him. Something will have to give. Oh...these cyborgs...horrific. All muscle and very evil looking, but instead of arms, these fiends have either machine guns, shot guns, or circular saws. To kill them one has to shoot them a bazillion times...all this is so scientific.
99% of humanity was wiped out when the government introduced a cyber virus into the main computer of a defense contractor. The result...all its drones and cyborgs, invented to fight wars, start murdering anything with a heartbeat. A ragtag group of survivors man a remote Nevada army base. Lt. Spears (Eve Mauro) discovers that the CEO of that defense firm, Killmore (Rocky Myers) is still alive. At first everyone wants to find him and kill him as Killmore is blamed for setting the machines on humanity. Spears has a better idea...capture him and make him explain how to kill all the machines. This will have to be a rescue mission as it appears Killmore is a prisoner of the mechanized monsters...or is he?
The rescue operation is a bloody one and some are killed, but Killmore has been retrieved. Killmore, a very handsome hunk, convinces them he is on their side and has some ideas of neutralizing the machines. Bad news, the machines figure out their whereabouts and attack. With so little manpower left, Spears and Killmore decide they need to hit the things at their core. A suicide mission perhaps, but time is not on their side. Oh yeah...Danny Ttejo wards a lot of the cyborgs off with machine guns. Spears gets sweatier, loses garments, and shows more cleavage as the film progresses, Killmore loses his shirt and flexes more upper body muscles to match Spears' continued sex-charged appearance.
Will the very sultry Spears and buff Killmore save the world as they continue to shed clothes? Will these two engage in pre-marital sex with each other, or will amorous cyborgs be their next partners? In a post-apocalyptic wasteland, is there a babe for Danny Trejo?  The plot isn't too original, but both Killmore and Spears look really good as they sweat, bleed, and shoot guns. For some mindless and very gory post-apocalypse fun, enjoy "Cyborg X."

Saturday, February 9, 2019

Unlisted Owner, A Hammer, Some Paint, and a Bloody Sickle find that perfect fixer upper! So exciting and financially reasonable. A lot of work must be done...remove the popcorn ceilings, new granite counter tops, knock down a wall for an open concept, all new appliances, and ship-lap. Uh oh, our film today wasn't created by Chip and Joanna Gaines, rather the terrific horror film-maker Jed Brian. After the ship-lap, we'll need mops to sop up the pools of blood, a broom to sweep up the severed limbs, and a crime-scene restoration company to remove the corpses. There are so many reasons why really big houses in great neighborhoods are so fantastically priced. Hence 2013's "Unlisted Owner."
The Roths' move into a beautiful fixer upper. So sad...through Chloe's (Chloe Benedict) eyes we see glimpses of her beautiful family being butchered. The house has a bloody past and a campfire backstory will let you in on that history. As the crime scene still smells of blood and bodies are loaded into the meat wagon, six friends plot their next youthful indiscretion. Jed (Brian) will man a camera to chronicle what happens next. He has a hot GF, Andrea ( Andrea Mills), her BFF Haidee (Haidee Corona), Griffin (Griffin Groves), Tyler (Tyler Brian), and Gavin (Gavin Groves). The evening will include a lot of alcohol, probably some marijuana, drunk driving, and probably some pre-marital sex. I know...where's the skinny-dipping?
Why skinny-dip if you can sneak into the above mentioned house/crime scene and have your party there? Great idea! This always goes so well. There is even a promise that two more vixens will show up. The cops have a suspect for the murders, so what's the danger? Veteran horror fans know the answer to that silly question. Whatever befell the Roth family, and perhaps whatever was responsible for the carnage in this house many years ago, isn't thrilled by giggly youngsters prepping for an orgy. Our six protagonists will face a terror that will seek to cut them to pieces. Jed Brian creates an evil force that seems to transcend a mere psycho in a cursed house plot as the fiend will get quite aggressive and swing a bloody sickle.
Will any of our misbehaving youngsters survive? Will Andrea or Haidee emerge as final-girls? Is this film Jed Brian's thinly veiled metaphor for the increasingly unaffordable  Ohio real estate market? This is a bloody one and its ominous tone won't bode well for the peeps entering the house. After putting up some ship lap and taking down the popcorn ceilings, make sure you choose a wallpaper or paint in which you can easily clean blood off. For a low-budget slasher-fest that will change the way you watch HGTV's "Fixer Upper," see "Unlisted Owner."

Thursday, February 7, 2019

Billy the Kid Versus Dracula, Vampire Bites The Old West

No one film captures the historical accuracy of both 'the old west' and central Europe's famed vampire better than 1966's "Billy the Kid Versus Dracula." Gritty, realistic, and thought provoking, our film today provides us all with biting commentary about our daily struggles on this mortal coil we call life. There is no doubt, if Bram Stoker were alive today, this is the film he would recommend that captures the true essence of what he was trying to get across in Dracula. Okay...perhaps I've over stated the importance of this movie...slightly.
Dracula (John Carradine) arrives, on a stage, in the 'old west.' He immediately bites a very pretty German immigrant, Lisa (Hannie Landman) and a pretty Indian squaw (Charlita). The Indians blame the white man and massacre the stage allowing Dracula to assume the identity of a Mr. Underhill. Meanwhile, Billy the Kid (Chuck Courtney) is going straight and has a legitimate job as a foreman on a ranch. Ever smooth, Billie is engaged to the daughter of Mr. Bentley, killed on the stage, the lovely Elizabeth (Melinda Casey). Uh oh, Dracula arrives at the ranch with the intention of biting Elizabeth and making her his bride.
Having never laid eyes on her uncle, Dracula is able to convince Elizabeth he is her uncle. Now that her parents were massacred by Indians, Dracula tells Elizabeth he is now her guardian. Uh oh...Billy talks to some witnesses to the massacre and figures out the guy who arrived at the ranch is a vampire. Elizabeth, of course, doesn't believe Billie and Dracula is set to move in on her. As Billy tries to figure out a way to combat the bloodsucker and Elizabeth's doubt, Dracula finds ways into her bedroom and jugular. Impervious to bullets, Billy better figure out a way to slay the undead creature of the night.
Will Billy be able to save Elizabeth from becoming a vampire bride? Will Dracula find he blends in the 'old west,' or is that Frankenstein's domain? Is this film a thinly veiled metaphor for the viciousness and inhumanity that was 'the old west'? For a lot of campy fun and a traditional vampire/western film, check out "Billy the Kid Versus Dracula."

Tuesday, February 5, 2019

Needlestick, Hospital Massacre

Hunk doctors...pretty nurses...EMTs...patients....all massacred without mercy. Yes, another hospital drama in which few will fare well. This time, the carnage will all be in the name of science. When a mad scientist is coming up with the secret of eternal life, there is no sacrifice too big. Even better...Lance Henriksen is the mad scientist. Hence today's feature, 2017's "Needlestick."
Okay, leaving out so much, here's a skinny of the plot. Dr. Crick (Henriksen) is a cardiologist on the verge of coming up with a serum for eternal life. Human experimentation, not always with great results, mandates he works in secret. Everett (Michael Traynor) is a nerd doctor and he is in love with a sports bra clad nurse, Marie (Katie Savoy). She demeans him every chance she gets and we secretly hope'll see. As Crick begins performing unauthorized heart surgery on the senior surgeons at the hospital, pretty Sarah (Jordan Trovillion) recovers from heart surgery. She is also grouchy and happens to be suicidal. Oh yes, pretty doctor Ginny (Alara Ceri) also demeans everyone and now we hope her and sports bra clad Marie take each other out in a bloody cat-fight.
By the way, one more minor point...Crick has created a monster. Ross (George Pogacich) is a serial killer who, thanks to our mad-scientist, is indestructible. Ross is sent out with a trusty syringe which he uses to murder everyone in the hospital except for the above mentioned PMS women, Everett, and Sarah. This quartet must survive the monster and Crick's plan for them. As sports bra clad Sarah and Ginny continue to yell and demean each other, Everett, and Sarah, Ross goes through the hospital personnel like crap through a goose. The dames better get an attitude adjustment or the four survivors will be skewered.
What is Crick's plan for the three remaining members of the hospital staff and the suicidal grouch? What is Crick's connection to the monster Ross? Will the world really miss the PMS sisters, the nerd doctor, and suicidal Sarah if Crick dissects them in the interest of harnessing eternal life? This is an ambitious one and seeing Lance Henriksen as a mad-scientist is always a beautiful thing. "Needlestick," directed by Steven Karageanes, is a vicious horror film that will warm your heart...before it is dissected.   

Sunday, February 3, 2019

The Demolitionist, The Femme Robocop

A rip-off of "Robocop." Perhaps. In fact, the plot to 1995's "The Demolitionist" is a mirror image to the plot of 1987's "Robocop." Still, this film is one we can all appreciate for one unique difference. Instead of Peter Weller killing massive amounts of seedy criminals, we have Nicole Eggert ("Baywatch"), clad in a nice tight black catsuit, killing massive amounts of human of deprivation.  Nothing against Peter Weller, but Nicole Eggert brings in a different kind of appeal.
Mad Dog Burne (Richard Grieco) escapes from the electric chair, not before murdering the warden, guards, reporters, and assorted witnesses. Now he's loose and reclaiming the city's largest criminal enterprise. Undercover policewoman Alyssa (Eggert) has penetrated his gang, clad in an alluring tight black leather outfit. Uh oh, Mad Dog finds out she is a cop and tortures her before killing her and stringing her up. The mayor (Susan Tyrrell) is upset as the rise in crime hampers her reelection efforts. Enter Professor Jack Crowley (Bruce Abbott) with his Lazarus project. guessed it...the Baywatch babe is brought back to life and is indestructible.
She's set loose on the city's criminal element and mows down scored of deviants with high-powered weapons and grenades. Sadly, betrayal and a determined Mad Dog start her undoing. As the media turns on her, so does the mayor and the police force, and now Professor Jack is ordered to scrap the Lazarus Project. Jack has grown to like Alyssa...after all, she is played by Nicole Eggert, and together the duo plan one more heroic, but far-fetched, attempt to kill Mad Dog and his entire gang.
Nicole Eggert plays the role well and mows down hundreds. I left out large elements of the plot, but if you say "Robocop," you have an idea of those plot devices. This is a vicious one and Alyssa will go through punishing and humiliating torment in her quest to kill Mad Dog. If you found "Robocop" a bit over-rated and preachy, enjoy Nicole Eggert in "The Demolitionist."

Friday, February 1, 2019

Convict 762, Spacebabes Butchered

What could go wrong? A spaceship manned only by six beautiful women. A long journey through the galaxy without men. Bickering, brewing cat-fights, applying make-up, activating shields...what is a gal to do on these long missions? Any man would tell you...this won't go well. Any woman will tell you they will be just fine as long as men stay off the ship. Both sexes may be right. Hence, 1997's "Convict 762."
Because of the incompetence of Reno (Tawny Fere), the ship's sultry spaceship navigator, Captain Nile (Shannon Sturges) must land her ship at a penal colony in space. Unbeknownst to the attractive crew, a messiah-like convict has murdered everyone there except an intergalactic cop trying to kill him. Nile quickly finds out this reality as cryptic radio transmissions arrive saying stuff like "Die! Die! Die!" A clue. Uh oh, a wounded hunk, Vigo (Frank Zagarino), storms on board. He tells the crew about the uprising and they all need to leave or Convict 762 will kill them all. Big this wounded hunk Convict 762? Double uh SOS beacon is heard and Nile takes three women with her to investigate, deep into the prison...bad idea!
The very lovely Lincoln (Merle Kennedy) is left on board. She fantasizes about pre-marital sex with Vigo. She is then butchered by...well, by somebody. The rescue party doesn't fare much better as they are stalked and one beauty, Helene (Charlie Spradling) is presumably killed. The survivors cowardly run back to the ship to find Lincoln's bloody remains, Vigo gone, and Mannix (Billy Drago). Mannix? Yep, he says he is part of a construction crew, witnessed the uprising, and is running for his life. He also adds Vigo is Convict 762, and they all need to get off the planet now. As Nile wastes a lot of time, the beauties continue to fall and...uh oh...Vigo is back with Helene (but is she alive?).
Is Vigo or Mannix Convict 762? Will the answer come down which bloke Captain Nile wants to have pre-marital sex with? Will Captain Nile be able to save any of her crew, or will she be the 'final-girl'...or will there be 'no-girl' as this film ends? This one will have you guessing and you will watch a spacebabe tragedy unfold before you. Heartbreaking and gritty, enjoy "Convict 762" directed by Luca Bercovici.