Monday, April 29, 2024

The Blackout: Invasion Earth, Russia Invaded by Aliens and Everyone Else

8 billion people die!  Hence our film begins.  You have to admit...quite ambitious.  There just...killed.  By what and by who.  Today we have a fantastic mess from Russia.  As Russian troops, as we speak, shred maybe a thousand young Ukrainian men a day, we have a 2019 film that makes these numbers look miniscule.  In one wins.  In "The Blackout: Invasion Earth," directed by Egor Baranov, this also may be true...or is it?

Our story begins in Moscow where Oleg (Aleksey Chadov) is having sweaty and imaginative pre-marital sex with the sultry Alyona (Lukerya Ilyashenko).  Durting their climaxes, the invasion occurs...8 billion dead.  Okay, I know, "orgasm" comes from a word meaning "the little death."  Oleg and Alyona must have had some kinda orgasms.  Back to the plot.  Everyone in the world is gone!  Except for a large circle encompassing parts of Russia, Belarus, The Ukraine, and Finland.  Uh is a shrinking circle.  Major Dolmitov (Konstantin Lavronenko) commands an outpost at the edge of the circle.  Any incursion outside the circle meets with disaster.  Then the invasion encroaches the circle.

Hey!  Oleg is a commando assigned to this perimeter and Alyona is a medic assigned there.  Wouldn't you know it, so is Yuriy (Pyotr Fyodorov), Oleg's best buddy and Alyona's former lover.  Eek!  Never mind that, whatever has wiped out the outside world is now attacking inside the circle.  Epic battle scenes and lots of bears will fill the screen.  The Russian army gets smaller and smaller, unlike today's war in The Ukraine.  Alyona kisses Oleg and Yuriy romances a TV reporterette (Svetlana Ivanova) as humans die faster than Zelenskyy's army.  All seems hopeless, then...well, you'll see.

The battle scenes are elongated and bloody.  Tens of thousands will be killed on screen during battle.  Then, the aliens come and it gets worse.  Does Russia stand a chance at prevailing?  Probably a better chance than Zelenskyy does.  Will the TV info-babe and Alyona engage in a catfight to see who gets to have the next orgasm?  So, what is really going on here?  Epic and ambitious, this one goes longer than two hours.  It'll leave you exhausted and ready to pick up an AK-47 and join the Russian army.  See "The Blackout: Invasion Earth" and fantasize about all your annoying neighbors getting zapped. 

Saturday, April 27, 2024

Hellhounds, Werewolves Misbehaving

Sultry werewolf biker chicks!  Biker werewolves from rival gangs!  Werewolf sex!  Gore! Nudity! Nubile prisoners in bondage!  Yes!  When was the last time we had a werewolf film with all this stuff in it?  Hey, now I don't want to overstate this, but this film even has DB Cooper in it.  Today we look at 2024's "Hellhounds," directed by Robert Conway.

Mass murderer Dave (Daniel Link), who hopes to be turned into a werewolf by werewolf queen Lucella (Eva Hamilton), takes prisoners in the desert with the intention of feeding them to Lucella when she arrives.  Excuse the run-on sentence.  Lucella is a 400 year old babe who is naked a lot, covered in blood, and has just turned the hunk Kevin (Cameron Kotecki) into her mate...and Kevin is ticked.  Enter Alias (Nathaniel Burns), a werewolf biker.  He heads the Hellhounds gang, which have been all but wiped out by rival gang the Silver Bullets.  Alias has a score to settle with Lucella and Dave. Also enter Mia (Dana Kippel), a sultry bounty hunter who also has a score to settle with Dave,  Alias and Mia team up.  Mia is not a werewolf and gets an education as she gets to know Alias.

Meanwhile, Emma (Amelia Haberman) is tied up in a trailer with fellow prisoners Brandy (Anna Harr) and Tommy (Tim Sauer).  Dave plans to use them to feed Lucella when she arrives.  Meanwhile, after murdering Kevin's wife and turning Kevin, Lucella will have a bunch of werewolf sex with him.  So now we have the sides set...Lucella, Kevin, and Dave on the evil team...Alias and Mia on the good team.  Crossbows with silver arrows, guns, and fangs will abound as a bloody conclusion nears.

Spirited, deviant, and vicious...this film is a terrific werewolf tale.  Will Kevin turn against Lucella for killing his wife?  Will the sultry non-werewolf Mia allow Alias to turn her?  Just what does happen during werewolf sex?  For a terrific and action packed modern day fairy tale, see "Hellhounds."

Thursday, April 25, 2024

The Mad Magician, Vincent Price, Magic and Murder

Vincent Price! One of the all-time greats!  I don't do enough of his films on my blog.  Even his lesser known films are superb.  Today we have one in which he plays a mad murderer...and we still cheer for him.  As Vincent Price portrays a fiend, us the viewer are on his side and cheering for his success. Today we look at 1954's "The Mad Magician," directed by John Brahm.

Movies about magicians are at a disadvantage.  Because of "movie magic," or nowadays CGI or other f/x, the tricks we see on the silver screen just don't cause awe and shock.  Put Vincent Price in the film and that doesn't matter.  Gallico the Magician (Price) and his nubile assistant Karen (Mary Murphy) woo an audience.  The magician has a special trick called "The Lady and the Buzz Saw" in which he'll cut off Karen's head.  Brilliant!  Too brilliant, I'm afraid.  Gallico's act and him are owned by seedy businessman Ross Ormond (Donald Randolph), who closes the curtain on the act.  Ormond takes Gallico off stage and tells him to give all his tricks to his rival, The Great Rinaldi (John Emery). Furious, Gallico strangles Ormond and creates a mask and impersonates him.  Now, as Ormond, Gallico rents a room from mystery writer Alice Prentiss (Lenita Lane).

Okay.  Gallico will continue his murders.  You can guess the slate.  Enter Eva Gabor as the mad man's ex-wife, and current wife or Ormond.  Thinking she is confronting Ormond, she is actually confronting Gallico.  Yep...poor Eva Gabor. Bad news for Gallico, his pretty assistant is dating the very handsome and bright Detective Bruce (Patrick O'Neal).  Even more bad news...Alice Prentiss has a great imagination. Every thought of hers is about homicide and then thrown into her novels.  She's suspicious.  As the walls close in around Gallico he becomes more mad...and more homicidal.  Now Detective Bruce wants to use new and modern investigative techniques...and the nubile Karen will find herself in great peril.

In getting rid of his enemies, can Gallico shake a police investigation by the lover of his assistant?  Will Alice Prentiss end up with her next great best-seller or will she end up at the end of a blade in Gallico's next magic act?  Is there a chance that Gallico will turn the tables, pull a Dr. Phibes on everyone, and escape?  This is a good one.  Not the best known Vincent Price film but true fans will want to see "The Mad Magician."   

Tuesday, April 23, 2024

Fear the Creature, Rubber Suited Monster Shreds Hunks and Babes

CGI be damned!  Gimme a film with a toothy rubber-suited monster! Throw in some hunks and babes...passionate pre-marital sex, gore, and a hot monster hunter (Chase Masterson) with tight leather pants on a motorcycle. Do you need to hear more?  Oh...that monster hunter is also a sultry mad scientist. Okay, today we look at 2004's "Fear the Creature" (aka "Creature Unknown"), directed by Michael Burnett.

Four years ago, during prom night, Wes died mysteriously...body never found. There is plenty of drama to that night which we won't go into. Four years later, Wes' twin brother Steve (Chris Hoffman) gets all the friends together for a reunion in a cabin in the wilderness.  Oh, by the way, two babe hikers (Erin Cahill and Laurie Shiers) were just shredded in that same wilderness.  Steve is now bonding with Wes' old GF Amanda (Maggie Grace). Also along are the bitter Rachel (Ella Bowman), who was Wes' GF when Amanda stole him away.  Add in Sean (John Keyser) and Ally (Kristin Herold), who will have passionate pre-marital sex.  Ally will also give us a gratuitous shower scene.  Uh oh...the creature, half reptile half Bigfoot, which shredded the two babe hikers, sets its sight on this group of reunion buddies.

Now, one by one...the thing strikes.  Rachel is shredded.  No surprise here, as Ms. Bowman is way down in the credits.  Uh comes the babe in leather pants and riding a motorcycle. Kat (Masterson) arrives wielding a shotgun. Her backstory is compelling.  A mad scientist that watched her son die and tried to save him with experimental treatments. It is apparent that Kat has been hunting the creature for some time.  She had built a lab in an old WW2 bunker...where she is obviously still conducting genetic experiments. Kat will feud with the buddies.  Amanda will take an immediate dislike to her...probably because Kat is hot, wears leather pants, and carries a shotgun...all a big draw to any sex-crazed hunk. The creature keeps striking.  Uh oh...we, the viewer start picking up on clues.  Is Steve really Steve, or his dead brother.  Is the monster Kat's son?  Red herrings and twists abound.

Will Kat and Amanda engage in a catfight to the the mud or a tub of Jell-o...okay, forgive me...I withdraw the question.  Is the creature Kat's son?  Will there be a final battle for humanity that takes place in the old bunker?  This is a good one.  The toothy creature is neat, and the rubber suit is so refreshing.  The babe and hunk factor is so good, too.  See "Fear the Creature," and see a nostalgic effort in creature f/x.  

Sunday, April 21, 2024

Blood Predator, All Out War in a Mountain Cabin

All right.  Listen closely.  Do not let the first 45 minutes of this film bias you.  Only after watching the second half of this film pass judgment.  What unfolds in the second half is a bacchanal effort of slimy and icky monsters, lesbian love scenes, heterosexual love scenes, gory kills, and bad-ass women saving the day.  For example, you will judge Sandy (Merry Simkins) early on...but you will be dead wrong.  Today we look at 2007's "Blood Predator," directed by Paul Gagne.

An airplane full of hunk and babe couples crash land in a remote mountain region near Yosemite.  The couples and one hot lesbian want to go skiing. The party makes it to an isolated cabin which shows no immediate signs of life.  Little do they know, an icky spider creature/alien has crash landed on earth and has taken up residence there.  It has already eaten a stranded skimobile guy. Okay, adventurer wannabe John (Bill Devlin) has assumed leadership over the group.  Unfortunately he doesn't know what he's doing, and his grouchy wife Sandy lets him know that any chance she gets.  The only non-coupled babe is Caren (Jackie Joyner), a hot lesbian, who will have carnal relations during the film with one of the other babes.  Of most note is ditz Barb (Rayne Aspergren), a nymphomaniac attached to rich guy Tom (Mark Irvingsen). The two will have a lot of gratuitous and deviant sex.

Okay...we'll see a lot of sex, including the aforementioned sex between two babes, and bickering.  Then they discover the monster and all-out war begins.  This slimy spider thing has humongous teeth and has a tongue that shoots out and impales.  One by one it picks off the group. Oh, by the way, don't try to figure out who will live and who will won't.  This is actually good news for the nymphomaniac Barb, as now she has a chance.  Remember the b***h Sandy?  You are in for a surprise. See, Sandy has attitude.  She also has the ability to go ballistic with guns, explosives, and bear traps.  Yes!  All out war continues right up until the explosive conclusion.

Does nymphomaniac Barb have a shot at survival...that is survival that doesn't include carnal relations with the spider-monster?  Just what does Sandy have up her sleeve (or bra strap) that could put up a fight from the evil alien?  Are any of the hunks in this film of any use other than providing steamy sex with their women?  The last half of this film makes it one of the most spirited horror films of 2007.  See "Blood Predator" and be surprised by the bravery and sexual prowess by the babes in this film.      

Friday, April 19, 2024

They're Playing with Fire, A Sybil Danning Spectacular

Sybil Danning all oiled up in a skimpy bikini.  Sybil Danning is gratuitous shower scenes.  Sybil Danning in the throes of passion during extra-marital sex.  Sybil Danning in outfits that just seem to fall off her.  Sybil Danning in peril.  Today we may have Sybil Danning's Magnum Opus. is a horror film.  This may not seem like a horror film but that is because we won't mention the psycho Santa Claus or the masked man with the machete...or the mental asylum in Switzerland...we have too much other stuff to talk about when Sybil Danning graces the silver screen.  Today we look at 1984's "They're Playing with Fire," directed by Howard Avedis.

Diane (Danning) is an English Literature professor  at a southern California university. She teaches her students, sunbathes in skimpy bikinis, and has a lot of passionate sex.  She seduces a clean cut student, Jay (Eric Brown) to do her a favor.  See, Diane is married to an evil professor, the hunk Michael (Andrew Prine).  Diane and Michael want to off Michael's grandmother and sister so they can inherit the family wealth.  They tell Jay that they just need him to break in the mansion and scare them.  Why would Jay do this?  Please!  Diane uses deviant sex to persuade him.  Diane also hires Jay to do odd jobs on their yacht.  The odd jobs allow him to peek at Diane sunbathing, showering, and to have steamy sex with his professor.

Right!  Jay breaks into the mansion and nothing goes as it is supposed to.  Someone else in in the mansion and murders the grandmother and sister and tries to murder Jay.  Now if the cops are called, Jay will be the prime suspect.  Jay figures out Diane and Michael set him up.  Worse yet, a nubile babe in class, Cynthia (Beth Scheffell) blackmails Jay. She has taken pics of him screwing Diane and won't hesitate to show Diane's husband.  Unfortunately for Cynthia, she will meet the psycho Santa Claus. So sad.  Now to keep Jay interested and loyal to her cause, Diane has a ton more deviant sex with Jay and claims she is going to leave Michael.  Wait!  Is this really what is going on?  Twists and turns.  More steamy sex...more gratuitous showers...more murders...and in every part of it Sybil Danning is doing what Sybil Danning does best.

Did Michael and Diane really murder the grandmother and sister?  Is a life sentence in prison worth a lot of steamy sex with Sybil Danning?  Was Cynthia's brutal fate merely because she was on Santa's "naughty" list"?  This is an uber-erotic mystery thriller that becomes a slasher/horror film.  For gratuitous Sybil Danning, treat yourself and watch "They're Playing with Fire."

Wednesday, April 17, 2024

A Blood Story, Bikini Model and Eternal Youth

Yes!  Mindy Robinson plays a bikini model taking on Elizabeth Bathory's family.  Is there a more perfect plot in the history of film?  Forget the tired plots about racism (Yawn), social justice, superheroes, or strong-willed women succeeding in a man's world.  All garbage!  Gimme a bikini model bathing in the blood of virgins and deviant sex.  Wokeness be damned...nubile bikini models rule!  That's my motto.  Today we look at 2015's "A Blood Story," directed by Joe Hollow.

Madison (Robinson) is a bikini model turned writer.  She comes home one day and finds her husband cutting up a young babe in their marital babe.  Madison shoots him dead.  Happens. Now Madison is a writer searching for the fountain of youth.  She ends up at a castle run by the ancestors of Elizabeth Bathory.  Francis (Camden Toy) and his daughter Anna (Melanie Robel), who are just a little too intimate for dad and daughter, are the hosts.  At this castle, young nubile babes are whipped to death and their blood is used for bathing.  Madison takes advantages, bathes in the blood, and all her scars, inflicted on her by her crazy husband, disappear.  Also there is ex-assassin Carter (Mark Hanson)...he and Madison will bond.  Many months later, Madison and Carter decide to rob the castle of its treasure.

Now Madison and Carter return for another weekend of bathing in virgin blood.  Uh oh, Elizabeth Bathory's (Debra Lamb) spirit wants Madison.  Uh oh again, Anna and Francis are smart...they know Madison and Carter are there to rob them.  Triple uh oh...Francis and Anna want to do a blood ritual and bring Elizabeth back to life.  Who's blood will they need for this ritual?  You can probably guess.  Or can you?  Incest...orgies...aphrodisiacs...spankings...BDSM...more incest...and blood baths will fill much of this film.  Oh yes...Linnea Quigley is in this, too.

Will Madison and Carter be successful in stealing the Bathory gold?  Will Elizabeth take Madison's soul...and/or body?  If Hollywood script writers made more films about bikini models bathing and frolicking, would  they have to fear about being replaced by AI?  This is a gratuitous and satisfying film on so many levels.  One may even hazard to aver that this film is Mindy Robinson's magnum opus.  See "A Blood Story," and develop a new appreciation for bikini models.    

Monday, April 15, 2024

Meander, Claustrophobic Scifi

Okay, I admit it.  This film will not get a lot of love.  Too bad as there is so much to love about this one from France.  For one...if you say to someone you watched a French movie, they will automatically think you intelligent.  Second, the babe in it will be clad in a tight, form fitting space-babe suit through most of the film.  Lastly, no matter how the first half of this film goes, there will be gore and a monster...or two. Today we look at 2020's "Meander," directed by Mathieu Turi.

The lovely Lisa (Gaia Weiss) wants to end it all.  Not able to cope with the death of her little girl, she tries to throw herself in front of oncoming traffic.  If things couldn't get worse, she is picked up by a homicidal maniac, Adam (Peter Franzen).  He tries to murder her, then...  Well, then what?  Great question.  She just wakes up in a claustrophobic chamber in the aforementioned jumpsuit. Even more confusing is there is a bulky bracelet on her that lights up and counts down from 11 minutes.  She cannot get it off.  The thing she is in seems to be controlled by an intelligent, though malignant force as it pushes her out of the chamber into a tunnel maze.  Now she is forced to go forward and explore the tunnels.  If she stops, the walls close in on her until she reached the next tunnel.  Even worse, periodically, the tunnels fill with flammable gas and fill with fire.

Slowly, Lisa adapts to the dangers of this maze.  Acid baths, toothy barbed wire, crushing walls, fire, and even water are her perils as she goes forth...but forth to what?  Uh oh...remember the psycho Adam?  He's in the tunnels too.  Already burned over all his body, he is not human anymore, but a monster.  He still wants to murder Lisa and he pursues her.  Now, Lisa must not only figure out what is wanted of her, the mystery of the tunnels, but also outsmart Adam.  If you saw "Cube" or "Crawl or Die," you will realize the inspiration for this film.  Claustrophobic and squirm-inducing, the film will then branch out into a science fiction plot with some weird plot developments.

What are the backstories of Adam and Lisa?  Just who or what abducted these two and are they now pawns in a twisted game?  Is there escape for the Euro-babe in the tight jumpsuit?  Many of you will not like where this movie eventually goes, but I say...Great, go for it!  Bored with the DC or Marvel idiocy some call a universes, see a real movie that makes you think...and wince.  Watch "Meander" today for a terrific horror/science fiction story.   

Saturday, April 13, 2024

The Sniper, Man on Roof Hates Brunettes

Misogyny did not begin with Bill Clinton. As the governor of Arkansas and then as president, this fiend victimized young woman and ruined them.  Misogyny existed long before this fact, our film today is over 70 years old.  Brunettes beware!  These dames will not fare well.  Today we look at 1952's "The Sniper," directed by Edward Dmytryk.  This one is a dark Film Noir type thriller and not the feel good film of the 50s.

Edward has a problem.  He hates women.  He is just out of prison against the recommendation of the prison shrink.  Both Edward and the shrink know that the he is unstable and liable to hurt pretty women. Now Edward is back in society and pushed to insanity by the sight of lovely brunettes.  The urge to murder them is so intense, he intentionally burns his hand to stop them.  This doesn't work.  Now he comes into contact with Jean (Mary Windsor) a sultry brunette who wears slinky gowns, flirts, and sings at a bar.  She's gorgeous and every man lusts after her.  Edward takes his rifle, finds a rooftop, and blows Jean's head off.  Very sad. Jean won't be the last.  The cops get involved.  Detective Kafka (Adolphe Menjou) and police shrink Dr. Kent (Richard Kiley) are on the case.  They meet hundreds of sex maniacs in the city looking for the killer's identity.

Edward will kill Mary (Marlo Dwyer), a prostitute that mocks him.  Then the socialite Mrs. Fitzpatrick (Lillian Bond).  Now city hall is pressuring Kafka to find the killer.  Eddie unravels even more and his misogynistic tendencies take further hold on him.  More babes are endangered and murdered...not all brunettes now.  Kent and Kafka find clues.  The city panics.  Unfortunately for everyone involved, Edward is a great shot...and never misses.

Will the cops find Edward before he murders every babe in the city?  What made Edward into what he is today?  Are the themes and plot devices in this 1952 movie more relevant today than they were over seven decades ago?  See this horrific case study of a misogynistic psycho and realize that we have infinitely more of them prowling America today.  See "The Sniper" for a vicious tale of murder and failed mental health policies.

Thursday, April 11, 2024

6 Wheels from Hell, Torture on the Road

We just don't have enough films about torture chambers. Pity, these things do make such wonderful metaphors especially in Biden's America.  Throw in college hunks and babes and a psycho trucker, well, we have a film that counteracts the trash that the Academy Awards gave us recently.  Today we look at 2022's "6 Wheels from Hell," directed by Evan Allen...with some nice cheese and beef.

The torture and annihilation of the beautiful Taylor (Mindy Gilkerson) opens up our film.  Mother Trucker (Mark Anthony Baca), we'll call MT, has crafted a torture chamber made from an old creepy looking truck.  MT finds babes, and sometimes hunks, on the road, abducts them, imprisons them in the back of his truck, and torturers them before murdering them. Taylor is the present babe and undergoes unimaginable torture.  She is still alive, but quite mad. Along come two great looking couples  Ethan (Malachi Durant) and his babe GF Alexis (Evan Keys)...and also the nubile Angel (Brenna Marie Narayan) and her beau Mason (Kevin L. Sanders).  While stopped at a diner, this quartet gain the notice of our psycho as they mock him...mistake.  MT then knocks out the babe Alexis, throws her in the torture chamber next to Taylor, and drives off.

Now her three buddies are in pursuit.  We get a good look at the torture chamber with all its whips, chains, car batteries, body parts, severed limbs, etc.  Taylor is quite insane and pleads with Alexis just to give MT anything he wants.  The three buddies will catch up to the truck and find themselves captured, too.  Also in pursuit is Detective Cooper (Andriana Garbiso) and Detective Ford (Bradley Rumery).  They have no idea the depravity of MT...but will soon find out.  MT begins torturing by burning off tattoos, electrocuting, whacking with a baseball bat, and pulling teeth.  Not all will survive, but Alexis is determined to was Taylor before going insane.  Alexis will even try to seduce our fiend.  MT will test her loyalty...and you can probably guess how.  As babes and hunks are marred and killed, Alexis is determined to avoid being scarred or bloodied.

Will Alexis turn the tables on MT and be able to save her seemingly doomed buddies?  Is Taylor a metaphor for what has happened to the American people over the past few years in Biden's America? Will our two inept police detectives be able to help the nubile and the hunky, or find themselves hung on meat hooks in the back of MT's truck?  There is something so right about this film.  The cast is great looking and Mr. Baca plays the psycho so well.  For gory carnage, great beef and cheese, and good metaphor, see "6 Wheels from Hell."  

Tuesday, April 9, 2024

The Wind, Meg Foster's Opus Magnum

Meg Foster!  Before her role in 1988's "They Live," which defined a generation, she turned in her magnum opus. As a damsel in much distress, this great 1980s actress excelled as another 1980's legend, Wings Hauser, acts as the slasher. Nothing says 1980s better than Meg Foster, Wings Hauser...but we can also add in David McCallum and Steve Railsback.  Today we look at a 1986 film by Nico Mastorakis, "The Wind."

As our film begins, Sian (Foster) is snuggling with her lover, John (McCallum).  She is a best-selling murder mystery writer and John is...well...useless (just like most men).  We will not speak of John again. To inspire her next novel, and perhaps get away from the milquetoast lover, Sian goes to Greece and rents a 1700 year old house on a cliff from Elias (Robert Morley).  She desires solitude and atmosphere.  Sian begins writing and is soon visited by Phil (Hauser), a slasher/psycho.  It is apparent from the outset that Phil is a most men are.  This is confirmed early on as Phil begins murdering anyone he can find.  Now he sets his sights on Sian.

Sian is smart.  Her mind is warped anyway from writing so many murder mysteries.  This will help her battle the sickle-wielding madman.  What is it with sickles and Euro-Trash films?  Anyway, the battle is on.  More murders will occur and Sian's ability to call for help is hampered by the strong wind outside bringing down the phone lines.  Sian puts up a good fight finding imaginative ways to create weapons and mount a defense.  Running away is not an option as the wind is so strong she is liable to be blown off the cliff if she tries.  But there's hope...Steve Railsback is on his way. Who is Steve Railsback in this film?  A probably useless in this mid 1980s feminist anthem. 

Will Sian, given that men in Greece are so useless, have to find a way to murder the murderer?  Does Phil the psycho have a good point in his fear and hate of a strong-willed and empowered American woman?  Is Phil's use of a sickle hidden symbolism of the bloody wrath Communism has put upon weak European countries?  See "The Wind" ands enjoy a tour-de-force performance of Meg Foster.

Sunday, April 7, 2024

Evil Laugh, 1980s Slasher Fare

How did I miss this one?  A 1980s slasher film with nubile babes and hunks. A lot of big knife murders interrupting pre-marital sex.  Perky blondes and beefy guys desiring only deviant sex.  Whipped cream, bondage, and leather sex toys included...this is a classic...or should be. Nudity, gore, and pre-marital sex will dot the landscape of this 1986 slasher film, "Evil Laugh," directed by Dominick Brascia.

Jerry (Gary Hays) gets to the house early. The house?  Jerry and his babe GF Connie (Ashlyn Gere) will live there with other medical students while turning it into a foster home.  There's was a foster home until 10 years ago when Martin, a caretaker, murdered all the children in the house including six babies.  Martin's body was never found.  Also arriving is nursing student and perky blonde Tina (Jody Gibson) and hunk Mark (Myles O'Brien). The two will hook up. Oh yes, horror movie fan Barney (Jerold Pearson) who gets really scared when he hears the house's history.  Oh yes, the rich snobs Betty (Karen O'Bryan) and Sammy (Tony Griffin) who are nymphomaniacs.  Oh, I should say Connie will never join Jerry as he is cut up and has his vital organs pulled out by a knife wielding killer before Connie or the other students arrive,

Now all the students have arrived and wonder where Jerry is.  The killer has a big knife and will go to work immediately.  Ancillary characters are offed.  Pre-marital sex will begin.  Whipped cream and bondager will enter the plot. In a weird twist, Jerry's internal organs will be fed to the group. The blondes, Betty and Tina, ripe for violation and deviance, will do what perky and ditzy blondes do best in these 1980s slasher films.  Connie seems to have what it takes to be a final girl...worry not, she'll have a gratuitous shower scene.  The killer, who has a weird and obnoxious laugh, will slice and dice.  Axes and microwaves will also be used as murder weapons.

Will Connie indeed be a final girl?  Is the old caretaker really the murderer or is this too easy?  Is 2024 America too woke to think of whipped cream and bondage as plot devices in modern film?  Enjoy the beef and cheese as nubile babes and the men who love them get diced up.  For a real 1980s slasher film, see "Evil Laugh" and admire how films used to be.  

Friday, April 5, 2024

The Loch Ness Horror, Sea Monster Carnage

Sure...they sing folk songs about it.  The Loch Ness Monster.  Children have cute stuffed animals made from its image.  However, the slithery and toothy thing is indeed a monster.  In our film today it is a relentless, unmerciful creature capable of all sorts of icky we will find out in this film.  Desire to pat and tame it if you will, but don't be fooled...a monster is still a monster no matter how many folk songs are sung in its honor.  Today we look at 2022's "The Loch Ness Monster," directed by Tyler-James.

Old Nessie swims out of Loch Ness and into the North Sea.  A submarine crew is tailing it...or is Nessie tailing the sub? No matter, the monster destroys the sub and all its crew. Now some mysterious foundation sends another team to find the sub.  Uh oh...the nubile Lara (Becca Hirani), the hunk Bryce (Dan Gittens) will join this new mission as submersible operators.  Also joining is the sultry Willow (Lila Lasso) the diver, and incompetent but sultry redhead doctor Ava (May Kelly). and a few more soon-to-be-eaten blokes.  They will board a warship, a destroyer, and meet the other half of the crew...and they are a nefarious bunch.  Yep, Ewan (Rob Kirtley) captains the ship and he is mean...don't worry...he will get his. 

Soon, our good guys realize they are not on a mission to recover a sunken sub, but a mission to get the Loch Ness monster.  This is bad news as the creature does not like people, unless they are on the buffet line.  The monster attacks and eats a bunch of the crew.  Alas, Willow is sent down in a shark cage and will not be as fortunate as Hooper was in "Jaws."  Now Lara, Bryce, and Ava must survive the monster and the maniacal crew of the destroyer.  Uh oh...the monster and the psychotic crew are the least of their worries.  It seems Nessie has a surprise or two up its icky and horrific surprise.

Will our good guys be able to survive the monster, the crew, and the surprises?  Instead of folk songs, will Heavy Metal noise now be written about Nessie?  Will Bryce get to have pre-marital sex with any of the babes on board before they are eaten?  Special mention for Lila Lasso...just like Kelly Hu, Rhona Mitra, and Kristi Angus, she has built a fine reputation as a babe actress who seems to die so horribly in horror films.  See "The Loch Ness Horror," and stay away from Scotland. 

Wednesday, April 3, 2024

KillHer, Four Babes Go Camping

Four hot babes! They go camping in the wilderness for a bachelorette party.  Standard horror fare?  Maybe.  That is...until the second half of the film.  Then this film turns into the magnum opus of the lovely actress M.C. Huff.  Gore and torture will abound.  To avoid fatal spoilers, today's description will focus on the first half of the film.  Let us take a look at 2022's "KillHer," directed by Robyn August.

Nothing new here...the sultry and nubile Mattie (Jenna Z. Alvarez) will soon marry the hunk Jagger (Jack Schumacher). Uh oh...Jagger has a suspicious past.  Both his parents were murdered and so was his ex.  Questioned by police, Jagger was never charged.  Eddie (Huff) decides to take Mattie camping in the woods.  Uh Eddie's annoyance, Mattie invited her other buddies, the sultry Jess (Emily Hall) and Rae (Nicole Lovince).  These two add-ons will serve as annoyances for Eddie who might have intimate feelings for Mattie.  The exciting Eddie will tell Mattie that Jagger and his buddies will join them...this appears to be a lie.  Jess and Rae do not like Eddie and you will see why.  They get to the campsite and next to them is not Jagger and his buddies, but a weird hermit named Mr. Rogers (Tom Kiesche).

Suspicion is heaped on Mr. Rogers.  The gals notice weird behaviors from him.  He even has a gun and a chainsaw. The gals partake in naughty activities and as their campfire wanes, their imaginations get the best of them.  What follows is bloody carnage and torture.  The nubile Mattie trusts Eddie but the other two babes do not.  Now Eddie must battle mistrust and her true feelings for Mattie.  More blood and more murder.  So much murder.  Mr. Rogers now sees the gals as adversaries...but he also appears to be afraid of them. The nubiles will find themselves battling one another just as much as they battle the murderous force that stalks them in the woods.

Exactly who is Mr. Rogers?  Why doesn't Jess trust Eddie?  Will Mattie ever get a clue and realize that her best friend sees her for more than just a friend?  This will get quite gory and the death count will get extensive.  For a film about four damsels (or most of them are damsels) in the woods being stalked by a killer appeals to you...YES...see "KillHer."     

Monday, April 1, 2024

Mary Had a Little Lamb, Axe-Lamb

We all remember the nursey rhyme. It was written as homage to the Virgin Mary and the baby Jesus. Let a filmmaker get hold of it and we have a homage to "Texas Chainsaw Massacre," complete with a cannibalistic family, nubile babes served up on a buffet, and a monster lamb. Does this cross the line?  Did "Texas Chainsaw Massacre"?  This one is grim, gory, taboo, and without humor or wit.  A true horror film.  Today we look at either a piece of heresy or some dark horror.  Our film today is 2023's "Mary Had a Little Lamb," directed by Jason Arber.

The sultry Carla (May Kelly) hosts a cold case crime radio show.  She's about to get cancelled unless she can dig up some recent cases as opposed to hundred year old murder mysteries. She finds one...12 hikers have gone missing in the same section of forest over the past decade.  She takes her inept crew which includes the nymphomaniac Liz (Danielle Scott), and a bunch of other bait.  Most notable is our very pretty researcher, Shelley (Charlie Esquer).  Oh, those 12 hikers...captured by a weird old woman, Mary (Christine Ann Nyland) and her deformed son, the monster lamb (Gaston Alexander).  In fact, as our film begins, they have the lovely Joan (Lila Lasso) tied up at the dinner table and make her eat the remains of her just killed BF.  Charming.  Mary likes the pretty ones and we wonder if it is because she is looking for a mate for this six-foot monster lamb that is her son.

Carla and her crew start researching and find Mary's old house in the woods near the disappearances of the hikers.  They are invited in and right away figure something is weird about Mary. One by one the crew is taken apart by the lamb child.  The lamb loves pummeling with a hammer, using a chainsaw, or eating flesh directly off the warm body. Babes and nymphomaniacs will not fare well...and Mary appears to be saving Carla for something special.  Eventually, the lamb makes itself known to Carla and what it and Mary will try to do to her is right out of Tobe Hooper's classic.  

Gory and heart breaking, this is a vicious and bloody tale.  Will Carla pull herself together and be able to save herself and any of her crew?  Will the lamb decide that Carla is the gal for him/it?  Will Mary feed the crew to Carla at a final feast? For a dark and ominous horror film, see "Mary Had a Little Lamb."