Thursday, July 18, 2024

The Last Chainsaw Massacre, A Possessed Chainsaw

Yep, the Polonia Brothers have made a movie about a chainsaw. Nope...not "Amityville Chainsaw," but that one is probably on its way. In the magnum opus of the lovely Jamie Morgan, we have 2024's "The Last Chainsaw Massacre," directed by Mark Polonia. Yep...a camping in the woods story. A possession story. An urban legend story. Most of all...a chainsaw story with gore and the supernatural. To see this movie on the new free streaming service, Fawesome, click on this link. Chainsaw on Fawesome

Five buddies head into the Pennsylvania woods for a weekend of camping. Rose (Morgan) and her BF Kenny (Justin Gordon) are sweet. They'll smooch by the campfire, later. Also along are Roy (Cody Losinger) and his GF Dane (Greta Volkova). Oh, a fifth wheel, the lovely Penny (Marie DeLorenzo)...can you guess what happens to this proverbial fifth wheel? Uh oh...back in '86 Ripper Jack terrorized these woods with his chainsaw chopping up half the townsfolk. He's a legend still. Supposedly dead, Ripper Jack's body was never found. A creepy gas station clerk (Michael Korotitsch) warns the campers to beware...the campers scoff at this. Uh oh, before entering the woods, Kenny buys a chainsaw to cut firewood at a used hardware store...see what's coming?

Ripper Jack is indeed in the woods and lurking. Is it him though...or his spirit? Kenny is the first to be possessed. He revs up the chainsaw and Ripper Jack's spirit enters his body. He' won't be the last and now Kenny will act as Ripper Jack guides him. This won't be good news for Penny...as she will lose her head. Now all the campers are in peril. More possessions and more chainsaw murders will occur. Finally, Mr. Martin (Jeff Kirkendall) enters the plot. He's been waiting for Ripper Jack's return for decades. This guy's son was murdered by Ripper Jack back in '86. His plan to combat Ripper Jack is not a good one.

Will any of the campers survive the wrath of Ripper Jack's spirit? Will Rose be able to jolt Ripper Jack's spirit out of her BF Kenny?  Is this film the one Tobe Hooper wanted to make but for the Hollywood censors of the early 1970s? Jamie Morgan is terrific as is the rest of the cast. For a classic themed slasher film, paying homage to one of the greatest franchises (no, not the Amityville one), see "The Last Chainsaw Massacre."   


Tuesday, July 16, 2024

Dogs of Hell, Those Mangy Mutts on the Warpath

Dogs! Ick! Man's best friends. Come on. To you dog lovers...try some human contact and get out of your mother's basement.  Live life...meet a girl...maybe kiss her...and leave the animal world behind. Many cultures eat those things...you want to sleep with them. Sure...put an animal in your bed. How brilliant is that? They crap all over the place. They bark at things that shouldn't be barked at. They demand all their bowel movements be supervised by you. Today we look at a 1983 film directed by Worth Keeter, "Dogs of Hell" (aka "Rottweiler 3D").

A secret army experiment gets out of hand. The same army that seems allergic to winning a war has bred Rottweilers to replace the soldier on the battlefield. Head scientist, Fletcher (Bill Gribble), warns the army that these dogs have become evil and are more dangerous than originally thought. After the transport that is moving the dogs crashes, the dogs are loose in a resort town. The town, Lake Lure, has a sheriff named Hank. A low energy guy with a big gun. The Rottweilers will strike right away.  The first victims are some nubile and frisky models at a campsite in the woods.  The babes will be shredded. Now we meet Denny (Robert Bloodworth) and his babe wife, Kim (Kathy Hasty). They run the local watering hole. This is significant because they put on female mud wrestling matches in their establishment. Nothing to do with the plot, but who will object to gratuitous mud wrestling.

Okay, the dogs keep shredding townsfolk. Fletcher arrives and tells Hank that he'd like to capture the dogs alive. The dogs seem to prefer babes...very sad. Hank is not of the same mindset and will have the opportunity to blow the buggers away...but there are a ,lot of little buggers. More attacks. Just like the killer whale in the Richard Harris film "Orca," these mangy bastards begin burning down the town. Don't ask.  Uh oh...the babe bar wench, Kim, is now in  mortal danger as the dogs chase her and Denny to the roof. Don't ask. Now Hank realizes his number one enemy is Fletcher, not the dogs. Fortunately, the sheriff keeps blowing away the fury demons. Will he have enough bullets?

Just how does a Rottweiler burn down a town? Would people in America's marginalized communities still be starving if we decided to eat the dogs instead of sleeping with them? If the army can't even use a missile system in combat correctly, can we trust them to use animals? Cheesy and campy, this 3D movie is a lot of fun. Though MST3K never picked up on it, you can play Joel and the robots when you and friends watch "Dogs of Hell."

  

Sunday, July 14, 2024

Bull Shark 2, A Toothy Lake Menace

A couple of years ago Russia invaded The Ukraine and this blog reacted by reviewing "Bull Shark." Two years later we can call that shark film very prescient as Russia has destroyed The Ukrainian army and embarrassed NATO. Today we take a look at "Bull Shark 2," directed by Brett Bentman. Incredibly faithful to the book, this film is just as likable. Absent from this film are two annoying female characters; the wife of the game warden and the coroner with the eating disorder.

It's back!  The bull shark. Two babes (Aedin Waldorf and Isabella Olivas) and their annoying hunk friend (Dylan Boehm) are eaten when they go swimming in a Texas lake. Now, one of the babe's mother wants the game warden responsible for killing the first bull shark, Spencer (Thom Hallum), to find her daughter's remains. I know...grieving can take many a weird form. The problem, the hunt for the first one drove him into alcoholism. Now he is unemployed and refusing to go into the water. His buddy, the redneck who was responsible for putting bull sharks into the lake, and new game warden, Nolan (Billy Blair) begs him to clean himself up and go hunt for the shark. Of course, the mayor (Chad Ridgely) and sheriff (Tom Zombred) deny there is a shark in the lake as the tourist season is about to begin.

Spencer relents and shelves the alcohol, for the most part. Now he grabs some chum and his buddy Nolan and goes hunting. He'll yell at the mayor and sheriff about the safety of the swimmers (the film "Jaws" will steal this scene), and yell at Nolan.  His plan?  A bad one.  In fact it is really stupid, kind of like NATO's military strategy. Winging it, him and Nolan find the creature...or, I should say, the shark finds them. Armed with a syringe filled with a drug that combats depression, Spencer seems outmatched as he enters the lake again.

Will Nolan and Spencer be able to kill the shark?  Will there be anymore babes in bikinis, or were they all eaten in the opening scene? Was the release of the film timed for the 75th anniversary of NATO in order to be a metaphor for that organization's ineffectiveness and stupidity?  See "Bull Shark 2" as Shark Week comes to an end on Discovery and sink your teeth into a gritty and realistic fish tale. 


Friday, July 12, 2024

The Bunnyman Massacre, Nubile Babe Campers Shredded

Total depravity? Perhaps. No redeeming qualities? Well, that depends. If you are a guy in a poolhall who has just been dumped by your GF...or a guy taken to the cleaners in a divorce...or a citizen of one of these weak European countries watching your civilization being ruined by a female president...then, maybe this film will serve to cheer you up. Today we look at "The Bunnyman Massacre," directed by Carl Lindbergh.  Alas, the fairer sex will not fare well. One can't help thinking how gleeful New Zealand was when they threw out their demented female president.

We shouldn't be pulling for them, but there we are. Okay, Joe (David Scott) runs a general store in a quasi-ghost town. His halfwit and horribly deformed brother wears a bunny suit. As the film begins, Bunnyman invades a school bus filled with children and chainsaws most of them. He'll traipse along the countryside committing more massacres including two babe campers and their hunk BF. Seems they were engaging in pre-marital sex. Joe happens across four nubile hikers. Okay, this is sad. Jamie Bernadette is one of this blog's favorite actresses. She'll only last a minute as Bunnyman machetes her. Well, Bunnyman and Joe abduct Sarah (Julianna Dowler), who just lost her mom and dad, her her bestie Lauren (Jennifer June Rose).

Getting deeper into depravity, Joe forces Sarah to do the ungodly and perhaps join the ranks of the depraved.  Sarah does it well, but it is all to save Lauren.  Sarah enters a pact with the devil, or Joe and Bunnyman, and a whole slew of babe hikers will die horribly because of it. As the beautiful fall, Sarah and Lauren see an opportunity to flee.  Alas, Joe and Bunnyman are smarter than them and expert trackers. What happens next revs up the depravity level and unless you are one of the aforementioned groups of men, this won't be the feel good film of the 21st century.

Will Sarah and Lauren survive with their sanity and all their limbs?  Is killing off Jamie Bernadette in such a brutal and rapid manner a good way to get the film audience on your side? Is this film a metaphor of what Red State America has planned for Blue State America? I'm told this is a sequel and I must say...now I want to see the other one. For hardcore horror fans only, and recent divorced men, see "The Bunnyman Massacre."  

Wednesday, July 10, 2024

Jurassic Triangle, Dinosaurs and a Big Crab-Man Monster in the Bahamas

 Okay, today we have another film that won't get much love. Pity! It is actually better than most of those "Jurassic Park" idiocies. Realistic? About as realistic as "Jurassic Park," except without annoying kids. This one is from England where Boris Johnson, Liz Truss, and Rishi Sunak just destroyed the entire country. Sadly, Keir Starmer has taken over there and promises to destroy it even more. Even sadder, Prince Charles is now King Charles...egads! So, when a major British corporation needs to do a team building weekend, they take choppers to the Bahamas. Right...don't ask. Today we look at "Jurassic Triangle," directed by Victor De Almeida. 

Two choppers fly into the Bahamas and get sucked into a vortex to the Bermuda Triangle. Happens. Just before that some British commandos, that have lost every battle and war ever since Prince Harry played soldier in the army, there, were eaten by dinosaurs. Sadly Danielle Scott was one of them. There will be more British commandos, but they'll all be eaten. Of more relevance to our plot, Cpt. Rawson (Rob Kirtley) and Jenny (Dorothea Jones) are two inept pilots and crash land on an island. Philipa (Chrissie Wunna) is the sultry boss and we cheer for her because she has great big...eyelashes. Now the team building exercise is marooned on an island in the Bermuda Triangle infested with dinosaurs, weird gigantic bugs, and a swarm of these crab-man-scorpion monsters.  These things are actually quite cool and spit stuff on you that makes you blow up, just like the current Labour Party.

Beth (Sian Altman) loves PTSD-ridden Drew (Darrell Griggs). Her former lover, a failed-alcoholic doctor, Isaac (Toby Redpath) is also along on this trip. She can really pick them, kind of like the British voters. A few more are stranded with them. The team will not bond or build, but get eaten. The weird giant spiders, giant scorpions, pterodactyls, and a  T-Rex will hunt them. Uh oh...Drew thinks he's been there before. Uh oh, Cpt. Rawson has a motive for crashing them on the other side of this vortex. Uh oh...a big crab-man thing develops a liking for Philipa (not that we won't). Beth will yell at her current and former boyfriend, Jenny will fall in love with a cast member who will be sucked dry by a big bug, and Rawson will confess something horrible. Perhaps this film will serve as a metaphor for what Labour has in mind for England's future.

Will the lovely Chrissie Wunna survive the crush the monster has on her?  Will Beth's bad taste in men lead to her ruination?  Just what secret does Rawson harbor?  Oh...the ending?  Superb, and probably a metaphor for what England will face after Johnson, Truss, Sunak, and now Starmer did and does to them. See "Jurassic Triangle," an English film that will prove quite prescient.    

Monday, July 8, 2024

Count Dracula's Great Love, Euro-Babes Catfight for Dracula

Okay, cleavage and catfights! Euro-trash can't get any better. Babes in negligees catfighting. Cleavage shoved at us with reckless abandon. Vamps putting damsels in bondage and whipping them. Nubile babes and vamps feeling each other up. Negligees ripped off and bacchanal passion resulting.  We have one from Spain today, and yes Paul Naschy is Count Dracula. He'll have  quite a performance as he'll have to feel up and lick some sultry Euro-babes. Yes there will also be ugly guy vampires, but in 1973's "Count Dracula's Great Love," directed by Javier Aguirre, negligee clad or nude damsels with impressive cleavage are in great peril from toothy menaces. 

Imre (Victor Barrera), a useless guy, loves Marlene (Ingrid Garbo) and her cleavage. Too bad he's useless...he'll be offed by a minor league vampire. Also in a broken down stagecoach are nubile babes, all with impressive cleavage, Elke (Mirta Miller), Karen (Haydee Politoff), and Senta (Rosanna Yanni). Lucky for these peeps, with the stage unrepairable, a closed down sanitorium is nearby. Uh oh...Count Dracula, going as Dr. Marlowe, welcomes the ill-fated travelers. He offers them all accommodation. Dracula appears to be a lucky man. He needs a virgin to sacrifice over the corpse of his long dead daughter in order to resurrect her. Dracula's big question...are any of these nubile cleavage babes virgins? He goes through them all...or should I say, puts them each through an evaluation period. 

Senta and him seem to have the most passionate pre-marital sex...but we could all have told Dracula Senta is no virgin. Still, her performance was staggering. Okay, Karen emerges. With no use for Senta, Elke, and Marlene, the three non-virgin babes are turned into vamps in entirely different ways. These three beauties will roam the countryside stringing up nubile virgins, whipping them, and drinking their blood. Karen on the other hand falls in love with Dracula and he with her. This complicates matters as Dracula had planned on draining all her blood into his daughter's corpse. Now Dracula must protect Karen from her now undead buddies and convince her to submit willingly to become a vampire. Fat chance. Or is it?

Will Karen be able to keep her womanhood or be drained of her blood by the trio of vamps in negligees?  Will Dracula completely abandon his plans to resurrect his daughter? Are make-out sessions by babe vamps either nude or in negligees a plot device that needs to return as America begins to abandon wokeness? Nudity, gore, cleavage, and catfights highlight this Gothic, Euro-trash film. See "Count Dracula's Great Love" and stay up to date on negligee fashions from Europe.      

Saturday, July 6, 2024

The Boogey Man, The Evil in the Mirror

One of the first slasher type films of the 1980s comes to us from Jerry Gross. Jerry Gross Productions gave us so many fantastic horror films, like "Zombie." Gross would gross us out with gore, slashings, cannibalism, and dismemberments. Kind of a metaphor for the Biden Administration. At about the same time "Blood Beach" came out and before "The Burning," a slasher-hall-of-fame entry was released. 1980's "The Boogey Man." This began a years long run of a slasher film or two hitting major theaters every week. Today we look at this film directed by Ulli Lommel.

Lacey and Willy (Suzanna Love and Nicholas Love), now adults, are still traumatized by a childhood horror. Instead of submitting to torture by his mom's evil boyfriend, Willy grabs a knife and stabs the guy to death as he boinks his mom. The two now live at their Aunt Helen's (Felicite Morgan) farm. The horror made Willy mute and Lacey still has awful nightmares. Jake (Ron James), a very useless sort, is now Lacey's husband and is determined to rid her of these nightmares. He'll consult a psychologist (John Carradine) and both agree Lacey must be brought back to the house the evil occurred and shown nothing lingers from that day 20 years ago.  This won't go well.  Seems a mirror captured all that evil and the ghost of the murdered evil boyfriend still exists in it. Lacey breaks the mirror in horror, thus releasing the spirit of the dead boyfriend.

The mirror shards reflect the evil and possess its victims.  Two babes that live in the house now will murder themselves as they are possessed. Jake cleans up the mirror from the floor and brings it back home. Home? Yep, its the Amityville house!  Now shards of the mirrors glass get strewn throughout the farm and cause nubile babes and their hunk boyfriends to die in gory fashion. A knife impaled kiss by two amorous teens making out is my favorite kill, You'll see. Pitchforks, scissors, knives, and the supernatural will kill so many as no one believes Lacey that the evil of 20 years ago has returned. A bloody exorcism beckons as the evil force attempts to possess Lacey into murdering her own family.  

Will Lacey be able to free herself of the evil spread by the cursed mirror shards?  Will hunk Jake ever get a brain and figure out something helpful? Will the Amityville house blow up like it does in so many sequels?  The death count is high, as is the gore level. For one of the silliest, most inane, and satisfying 80's horror films, see "The Boogey Man."   

Thursday, July 4, 2024

Maniac, Deadly Love

Another Hammer one today.  An early Hammer film.  Peter Cushing was supposed to be in it with George Sanders.  By the time the film got around to being made, the two acting greats were otherwise occupied. We have a good one with a shock ending.  Though when people speak with their hormones, happy endings are nowhere in sight.  Today we look at "Maniac," directed by Michael Carreras.  This one is from France.

Four years ago the lovely Annette (Liliane Brousse) gets off the school bus and is raped by pervert Janiello (Arnold Diamond).  Annette's dad gets there and grabs Janiello and hauls him back to his garage.  In the garage the dad takes the acetylene torch to Janiello, killing him. Dad is sentenced to a mental asylum. Four years later Annette works as a barmaid at her stepmom's inn. In walks the handsome Jeff (Kerwin Mathews).  He's immediately taken with the now 19 year-old babe.  So much so he dumps his present GF, the more appropriately aged Grace (Justine Lord).  Now Jeff decides to stay at the inn.  In comes the stepmom, Eve (Nadia Gray). She is not happy this older man is interested in her teen stepdaughter.  She would rather Jeff be interested in her.  She'll seduce him and the two will become lovers.

Now Jeff and Eve are smitten with sweaty passion.  Annette is jealous.  Uh oh...Eve is still married to an insaniac.  Here is where it gets good.  Giles (Jerold wells) will allow Jeff and Eve to go off together if they help bust him out of the asylum.  They do.  Making deals with the criminally insane rarely goes well.  Now Eve and Jeff quickly find out they are not rid of the acetylene torch murderer.  He's back and bodies start piling up. Now Eve once more makes a bargain with Giles.  She will give him his daughter Annette if he will go away and leave her and Jeff alone.  Again, making bargains with the criminally insane rarely goes well.  

Will the insane Giles allow Jeff to have his wife?  Will the nubile Annette be happy going away with her psycho dad?  Can't handsome Jeff find a woman with no psychos in her personal life?  Then the ending!  Shock and surprise will abound!  Experienced Hammer fans might figure it out, but will still enjoy this morality tale.  See "Maniac," and be grateful a psycho with an acetylene torch is not after you. 

Tuesday, July 2, 2024

The Area 51 Incident, Icky Creatures Invade

As the Tories and Rishi Sunak are on the verge of being stamped on and thrown out one wonders if they accomplished anything. Sure...war and dead Ukrainians will be their legacy. However, today's film posits that they brought Area 51 from Nevada to the U.K. As in many of these films...just go with it. In today's film we have some great creature f/x. A lot of creatures...maybe thousands. They'll explode out of party girls and army men and cause tremendous havoc. Yes, perhaps a metaphor for what the Tories inflicted on a once great nation. Today we look at 2022's "The Area 51 Incident," directed by Rhys Frake-Waterfield.

As stated above, Area 51 is in the English countryside. No...nowhere near Stonehenge. Next Trent (Scott Chambers) and babe Jenny (Megan Purvis) arrive for their first day of work after graduation. Doug (Toby Wynn-Davies) is the lead scientist and Trent's dad. Uh oh...there will be no learning curve. A portal to somewhere in the universe is all of a sudden very active. Yep...icky creatures, bug like things...giant ones, too...come over.  Thousands.  Now in this top secret facility, the bug things wipe out most of the army men and scientists. A handful of survivors run away and make it to an outdated bunker on the other side of the facility. Meanwhile, in just a few minutes, the monsters have eaten most of London.  I know...no great loss. Also arriving are two party girls dressed to the nines, Elaine (Sian Altman) and Helen (Heather Jackson). Oh yes, hunk Colt (Peter Jeffries), an army man, follows Elaine there. Oh! Helen is infected and will not remain beautiful.

Lt. Pete (Derek Miller) commands the bunker. They appear safe for the time being, but Helen will vomit creatures and have a giant worm-like one come out her mouth. Now the bunker is infested with these things. One by one hunks and babes get either eaten, infected, or ripped apart. Trent and Jenny are cute and are too nerdy to start a romance. Elaine is a babe in her sequins party dress and is on the run from the monsters which her buddy Helen vomited out. All seems hopeless for the survivors and for the U.K.. Again, a metaphor for what is going on in the U.K. as Labour has emerged as a total clone of the Tories.

Will Elaine the party girl survive the monster onslaught without having aliens explode out of her? Will Trent and Jenny at least kiss amidst the icky parasitic creatures? Is there hope for England beyond the Tories and Labour? Where is George Galloway when we need him? Perhaps being invaded by bug-creatures, infected by them, and vomiting them up is a fate, metaphorically of course, of us western nations being run by thugs bent on war and so-called Green Energy tyrants. See "The Area 51 Incident."

Sunday, June 30, 2024

Cocaine Shark, If Pfizer Made Jaws

Pharmaceuticals and the companies that make them. Yes...scarier than great whites! Not the first time a vaccine has been hastily thrown out there and killed millions. How many have sharks killed over the past 25 years? Right...no contest. What if sharks were given drugs?  It would be such a beautiful thing.  In this movie it would be a ferocious hammerhead with crab legs that roars. Today we look at 2023's Polonia Brothers film "Cocaine Shark," directed by Mark Polonia.


With the help of pharmaceutical scientists (future Pfizer employees) a new psychedelic drug, HT25, is created. It causes more intense trips than LSD. Neil (Titus Himmelberger) is an undercover narc seeking to bust Gaurisco's (Ken Van Sant) empire.  Gaurisco is securing all the east coast markets and knocking off rivals with the help of his main henchman, Fuente (Ryan Dalton). To keep a close eye on the narc, Gaurisco sends his femme fatale babe, Persephone (Natalie Himmelberger) to seduce him and lure him into the gang. Part of this seduction is to feed Neil HT25.  The drug causes both Persephone and Neil to trip so badly they seem to remember becoming sharks and eating people.

Okay, an explosion at the lab sends a mad doctor (Mark Polonia) on the run with the HT25.  Gaurisco wants it.  Also set loose after the explosion is the aforementioned crab/hammerhead monster.  The shark thing eats many people. Gaurisco and Fuente are on the doctor's trail and soon Neil and Persephone are too. We're not sure if Persephone is falling in love with Neil or just luring him out to sea to murder him. Now out to sea, the duo will have to elude the shark thing that seeks to eat anyone in its way. Now everyone converges on an island inhabited by a mentally unstable babe (Samantha Coolidge).  With the monster feeding, the thugs, our narc, our femme fatale, and insaniac babe must tread carefully.

Will Neil be able to bust Neil and his operation?  Will Persephone continue carnal relations with Neil, or we she kill him?  Would Jacques Cousteau have stood a chance with this hammerhead thing? Drugs are an evil thing...they will fry your brain...or get you eaten by mutant monsters.  To enjoy a psychedelic tripping movie experience, see "Cocaine Shark." It appears on the free streaming service, Mometu. 

Friday, June 28, 2024

Brides of Satan, Strippers, Bikers, and Satanists!

This blog loves Mindy Robinson. Her X (Twitter) stream is one of the best on all social media ( @iheartmindy ). Now we have her in a Joe Bizarro film about lesbian bikers, Satanists, strippers, and vengeance. No, not "Manchester By the Sea." Filmed as if it were an early 1970s drive-in/exploitation epic, Mindy Robinson tops Pamela Anderson and her film "Barb Wire" by a mile. Nudity, gore, and catfights in a story that is a metaphor for our times await when you put on 2020's "Brides of Satan," showing on the free streaming service of Mometu ( @freemometu ) on X.

The lovely and naive Mary (Robinson) wants to give her fiancĂ©, Charlie (Michael Reed), a special gift. She takes him for a lap dance at a seedy strip club. Mary, herself, is turned on when Samantha Whitehaven (Olivia Bellafontaine) does her thing. Oh, just before this, Sarah French as the club manager, warns them to leave. Mary is insistent on giving her beau something dirty. Three hoodlum lesbian/Satanists converge on the club led by Switchblade Kitty (Anastasia Elfman) as she wants to 'ruin something beautiful.' She and her cohorts will  abduct Charlie and Mary and bring them to a warehouse where she will gut Charlie and attempt to sacrifice Mary on a pentagram. Through bad timing by a rival gang's invasion, Mary escapes. Now she has Satanist lesbians and an evil biker gang after her. Come on...you have to be hooked by now. 

Lenny (John Troyer) saves Mindy and nurses her back to health. Lenny? Think of the trailer trash version of Mr. Miyagi. Lenny teaches Mindy to be strong in body and mind and also how to use a katana sword. Now Mary embarks on a trek of vengeance to track down the satanist lesbians who murdered Charlie.  She'll use her sword to disembowel and decapitate.  She'll go through biker gangs and satanists like crap through a goose. Meanwhile Switchblade Kitty and her satanic lesbians find more couples in love and gut and sacrifice them to Satan. Uh oh...a demon is conjured and will represent another layer of resistance for Mary and her katana sword.

Okay, enough of the plot. I have left out so much. Will Mary and her katana sword succeed in avenging the murder of her fiancĂ©?  Are sleazy strippers and satanic lesbian babes an underused plot device in America's Post-Modern (woke) era? Will the alphabet brigade demand this film be banned? Perhaps a metaphor for the evil the Biden Administration and the Deep State has inflicted on a once great country, "Brides of Satan" needs to be added to your "must see" list. 

Wednesday, June 26, 2024

Repligator, Gator-Babes in the Army

Made in 1996, this exploitation/scifi/horror film may be the best metaphor for what the U.S. military has devolved into. Hardly in any position to fight Houthis in Yemen, the Taliban in Afghanistan, or the Russians...the U.S. is officially in decline as a world power...speedily heading into the number three or four spot.  What we have in Brett McCormick's "Repligator" are sultry, big breasted bimbos that turn into alligator monsters.  Add in some zombies, ray guns, rampant nymphomania, and biting commentary and we may have the best film of 1996.

Dr. Oliver (Keith Kjornes) is trying to invent  a teleportation device with his spinster assistant, Dr. Hardy (TJ Myers). Hardy has a great big mole on her face which will forever prevent her from becoming a babe. On the other side of the lab, Dr. Fields (Randy Clower) is inventing a brainwashing device. Still, at another part of the lab, Dr. Goodbody (Brinke Stevens) is inventing a device in which one's thoughts can be seen on a video screen.  Okay...it is kind of like that Reese's Peanut Butter Cup commercial when there is a collision, peanut butter mixes with chocolate, and the peanut butter cup is invented. Through much chaos and intrigue, the three inventions merge. The result? Grumpy men and women are turned into nymphomaniac babes seeking sex with Dr. Oliver and Dr. Fields. Through more silliness, Dr. Hardy is sent through the machine and emerges as a nymphomaniac babe (sans mole) bent on deviance with Dr. Oliver.

Uh oh...there is a side effect.  Whenever one of the newly made nympho-babes gets sexually excited, they turn into alligator monsters. Okay, perhaps this offers us a metaphor relevant on college campuses and the dating scene in modern day America. Now the babes, all clad in trashy lingerie, are hungering for sex one moment, and human flesh the next. What's worse, the spinster scientists don't really want to be turned back to their former selves.  Now the lab is infested with either nymphomaniac babes or monster alligators. Oliver and Fields will have to put their rivalry aside and figure out how to change everyone back...or if they should change everyone back to their former selves.

I was brief on the plot, but Gunnar Hansen will have a nice role in this film. Will Dr. Hardy in her new nymphomaniac self have pre-marital sex with the old, fat and balding Dr. Oliver? Will Dr. Fields' brainwashing invention be of use when these new nymphomaniacs overtake the lab?  Are vicious alligator monsters and nymphomaniac babes merely two sides of the same coin? For some utter silliness with poignant metaphor, see "Repligator."

Monday, June 24, 2024

Hanukkah, Jew Horror

We need more Jewish horror films! For example, try this...Last Synagogue on the Left...Pray your not the chosen people! Okay...don't yell at me. A Jewish naked and tattooed skank uttered this in our film today. Oh! Right! You're offended. Well, boohoo!  Let me run some names by you. Dick Miller (his last film). Sid Haig. Sarah French. P.J. Soles. Caroline Williams.  Are you still offended? Today we look at 2019's "Hanukkah," directed by Eben McGarr. So grab a rabbi, a Torah, and some Manischewitz and watch what happens when a marginalized community makes a horror film. Oh...one more thing...brush up on Leviticus before watching this film, it will be quoted a lot...I'm not kidding. BTW, this film is on the free streaming service Mometu (get the app or see them on X @freemometu). 

This plot is busy and ambitious. Most of it we won't touch on. Many years ago a mad rabbi (Sid Haig) turns serial killer and offs misbehaving Jews (No! He's not Hamas). Decades later, his son (Joe Knetter) takes up the role. Fast forward to misbehaving, fornicating, and lesbian Jews all going to a sinful party. Rachel (Sadie Kurtz) is a skank engaged to a black man Josh (DAandre Johnson). She ditches him and heads to party. Josh wants to obey the Torah and remains celibate until marriage...Rachel wants to f#@k. Her buddy is hot and tattooed lesbian Judy (Louise Rosealma), referred to as an Orthodyke in this film. She wants to have sex with Rachel. David (Toliver Harris) is sweet on Rachel and with Josh not there will boink Rachel. Oh! Josh! He gets sucked into dinner with Rachel's mom (P.J. Soles) thinking Rachel will be there.

Amanda (Victoria de Mare) is supposed to go to this party but after the mad rabbi axes her beau in the head, she's abducted and tortured by him. Now the mad rabbi converges on this nerd party which will see wild lesbian sex between Rachel and Judy...and straight sex between Rachel and David. One by one the mad rabbi abducts the sinful Jews, cuts off their tattoos, and tortures them to death. This film will get quite gory but Dick Miller, as an old rabbi will give a nice sermon about all of this. Oh! Cheryl (Sarah French) arrives and it looks like a catfight is brewing between her and lesbian Judy...we can only hope. Jewish babes will die so horribly and Jewish dweebs will also. So much more is going on in this film but there is no room for further description.

Ominous and at times bordering on torture porn, the struggles of the Jews may be captured in this film as a metaphor. Sick? Perhaps. Still the level of cheesecake is intense and the level of gore is also intense. Will any of the Jewish babes survive the wrath of the mad rabbi?  Will Sarah French give us a nice catfight scene with the tattooed lesbian Jew? Wait...doesn't the Torah say something about that? For offensive and at times hilarious horror that will have you averting your eyes from the screen in many scenes, see "Hanukkah."    

Saturday, June 22, 2024

Stupid Games, They'll Swallow Your Soul

Women are smarter than men. Fact. However, what happens when smart people hang out with people that are stupid? Right!  They become stupid. Where is this all going? Today we have an age old story about the girls against the boys.  Sure, the girls should win.  Does anyone ever wonder why this is rarely the case? Today we have a tale of seductresses and hunks.  What  happens when they get together? Often times, the predicted outcome never occurs. Add pentagrams, Satan, take-out, and lust and we have 2024's "Stupid Games," directed by Nicolas Wendl and Dani Abraham. BTW, this film is on the free streaming service Mometu (get the app or see them on X @freemometu). Or on YouTube ON YOUTUBE (just click on this link).

The aforementioned babes, or seductresses, are Riley (Cass Huckabay), Celeste (Alyssa Tortomasi), and Mia (Ashwini Ganpule). They invite three hunks over for dinner, take-out, and a game night. Arriving are hunk Jaxon (Saad Rolando), Rex (Gage Robinson), and nerd Stanley (Grant Terzakis). The gals seem fawning and expecting of eventual pre-marital sex.  The guys are excited. Awkwardness sets in as Celeste went ghost on Jaxon and now has called him. Stanley is happy to get any gal he can. Riley, all seduction all the time, keys in on Rex. So far so good? Nope. Dinner does not go so well and before it is over the six are playing Quest For Truth, a board game. It starts off okay...truths are confessed to and tasks are completed.  Then the board takes charge.

The gals seem uneasy and when the guys behave like guys and break things the gals panic.  The true order of things has been interrupted and the seductresses are now terrified at the game. Soon the guys realize the game their playing may be demonic. Whatever force is controlling this game it is not happy with the rules being bent or disobedience. The consequences? Blood and worse...you'll see. The smarter the boys get the more doomed everyone appears.  The stakes are ultimate and the devil is expecting his due. Where does this all go?  Perhaps the same place the awkward dating scene in America has already gone. You'll see.

"Stupid Games" revs up from a level of inanity and seduction to pure evil and bloody carnage.  Nicolas Wendl handles this escalation masterfully. Will any of the six emerge a winner of this game?  What will happen to the losers? Though the fairer sex is more intelligent, is their capacity for evil also increased? Watch "Stupid Games" and realize there is no chance of success when seeking pre-marital sex and a good meal. 

Thursday, June 20, 2024

Martian Massacre, Space War comes to Virginia

Forget that "Star Wars" idiocy! Forget "ET"!  Forget anything Spielberg! We have the greatest scifi film ever, or at least the greatest scifi film ever filmed in Danville, Virginia. Get this!  The alien asks Duke to take her to his leader. Duke refuses saying, "No way, I have warrants!"  ET should have met this guy! Perhaps a C movie, not a B movie, but still a lot more fun than this "Acolyte" garbage. Our film today is the epic from 2021, "Martian Massacre." Grab a Pabst, bend your best gal over your knee, burp a few times, and enjoy this James B. Thomasson film. After watching it you will never refer to Danville again as Lynchburg without the glitter.

Sultry space-babe Virago (Crystal Cleveland) witnesses her planet being destroyed by Martians. Her queen (Tamara Jones) gives her a box containing...well, you'll see...and ordering her to save herself, go to Earth, and start her life there with what's in the box. Virago obeys and comes to New York...wait...no, Danville, with the box. She'll meet pseudo redneck Duke (Bryan Matthew Ward) and ask to be taken to his leader. Duke laughs and takes her home. At home, Duke's niece Liane (Angel Nichole Bradford) is excited to meet the alien babe. She convinces Duke to help her. Uh oh!  The Martians want Virago dead and the box. They send the lizard-like guy Zeet (Shon Johnson) to earth to kill her and retrieve the box.  He arrives shortly after Virago with his laser gun.

Now on the run, Zeet seems to be gaining on them. Laser gun fights ensue. Earthlings are vaporized. Then Duke brings Virago to his friend Betty's (Heidi C. Cass) house. She's a dominatrix and will square off against Zeet wearing a leather outfit and boots. How will this go? Well...as in "To Kill a Mockingbird" with Gregory Peck, dominatrix' die awful deaths. Virago must survive as she is the only one left of her world.  With orders to start life anew on Earth, she begins getting attracted to Duke. Zeet gets closer and a showdown is imminent between Virago and Zeet in which the fate of humankind will be in balance. 

Just what is in the box Virago is protecting?  Will Virago be able to fight off Zeet and romance Duke? Do we need more movies about dominatrix' squaring off against lizard-type aliens or was 1980's "Ordinary People" the be all-end all of those films? Have yourself a lot of fun and watch a film made by people who know what we want in our scifi films.  See "Martian Massacre" today and shove some more pork rinds down your throat as you wash them down with a six-pack of Pabst.  

Tuesday, June 18, 2024

Aquaslash, Waterslide of Blood

No doubt...the best waterslide scene ever put on film. Even better than the one in Kubrick's "Paths of Glory." More importantly, we have a Renaud Gauthier film. This man makes Giallo-type films in Canada. Nubile babes being sliced up. Six-pack abs hunks sliced up.  Pureed, really. Death count? Enormous! Bikinis? Well, if someone has one on...they'll end up in at least four pieces. Many may see this film as a remake of "A Bridge Too Far," but this one has a higher death count. So today we look at 2019's "Aquaslash."

Brittany Drisdelle is a doll!  She has that Pamela Susan Shoop look. We plead with the screen that she will remain whole in this film. She is Priscilla, hired by waterpark manager Paul (Nick Walker) to run special events, like the high school graduation party in this film. Paul also is having a lot of pre-marital sex with Priscilla. The high school hunks and babes converge.  Brad and Cindy (Jeremy Lavigne and Samantha Hodhod), while making out, are cut into pieces. Yes, there is a killer loose...perhaps one from the 1980s when a massacre occurred at this same park. Suspects? Everyone!  Michael (Ho Jo Rose) enters the picture. He wants to buy the park from Paul and boink Priscilla...as does everyone else. Boink Priscilla, that is.

The slashings continue. Nubile babes die horribly as do their hunk BFs. We meet lifeguard Kimberly (Lanisa Dawn), the redheaded lifeguard.  She's boinking Josh (Nicolas Fontaine). Josh is in a band and seems really sweet. Kimberly is also sweet and other than her proclivity for pre-marital sex, we really like her. Tommy (Paul Zinno) loves Kimberly too and is upset, in rage, that Kimberly now loves Josh. Trouble is brewing all the way around...and there is a killer loose!  Then...the last 20 minutes of this movie will forever be imprinted on your mind. What unfolds at the waterslide will be ominous, seemingly never-ending, and oh such a treat for slasher film fans.

With a wonderful cheesecake and beefcake level, this is a film you could bring a date to. Will Priscilla indeed be left in tact, unlike Pamela Susan Shoop in "Halloween 2"?  Just who is the psycho that will massacre so many bikini babes and six-pack abs hunks? Will Kimberly and Priscilla engage in a catfight in the water while ripping off each other's swimsuits? Hey, just thought I'd throw in that last question...you just never know.  See "Aquaslash" and relive 1980s slasher films.

Sunday, June 16, 2024

Thou Shalt Not Kill...Except, Vietnam Vets vs. Evil Cult

Sam Raimi as the Charles Manson type cult leader, with his brother Ted as one of his followers! This cult is evil, too.  They would have given Manson and his clan a run for the money. What they do in this film is difficult to watch...rape...dismember...torture...humiliate...and even babies will not escape their wrath. Cults and psycho Vietnam vets were Hollywood's two biggest plot devices in the 70s and 80s. They were used to inflict carnage, rape, and yell a lot. Vietnam vets didn't molest children on Epstein Island, like Big Hollywood did...an aside I had to throw in. In our film today, the four returning marines (returning from 'Nam) are heroes.  Great to see. Today we look at 1985's "Thou Shalt Not Kill...Except," directed by Josh Becker.

Jack (Brian Schultz) is shot twice in the leg trying to take Lamb Chop Hill.  But for the heroics of his buddy Walker (Robert Rickman), he would have been dismembered by the enemy. Now, with a cane, Jack moves into an abandoned cabin in the woods and rekindles his romance with babe Sally (Cheryl Guttridge). So sweet. As they frolic, a cult led by Sam Raimi (he thinks he's the Messiah), does home invasions, rapes, kills babies, tortures and guts any campers they meet, and seems to take over the woods. Now Jack hosts Walker and two more war buddies, Tim (Tim Quill) and Dave (John Manfredi) at his cabin. Uh oh!  The cult invades Sally's home, tortures and murders her grandfather (Perry Mallette) and abscond with her. Seems Sally will be their blood sacrifice.

Now the four marines assemble a bunch of weapons and go in search of the cult. There will be a lot of fighting, gore, and the USMC will go through the Manson wannabes like crap through a goose. The gore in each kill, and there will be so many of them, will be extreme. Sheers to the eyes, impalements, and other bloody ways to die. Sam Raimi ties Sally spread eagle between two trees and...well, you'll see...but it is quite naughty. Jack and his buddies are unrelenting.  These four don't believe in asking questions...they just go in shooting. Maybe General Milley or Lloyd Austin could take a lesson from Jack and company instead of losing any war they come within  ten thousand miles of? That's it for now, see the movie to find out the ending.

Will Jack be able to rescue Sally un-soiled?  With a heavy redemption theme as Jack and his buddies come back to the U.S. and set out to save civilization and become victorious...is this film an inspiration for "Godzilla Minus One"? Gory and sordid...some of the viciousness will be quite taboo. Not an easy film to watch but so very satisfying!  See "Thou Shalt Not Kill...Except" today.