Friday, April 19, 2024

They're Playing with Fire, A Sybil Danning Spectacular

Sybil Danning all oiled up in a skimpy bikini.  Sybil Danning is gratuitous shower scenes.  Sybil Danning in the throes of passion during extra-marital sex.  Sybil Danning in outfits that just seem to fall off her.  Sybil Danning in peril.  Today we may have Sybil Danning's Magnum Opus.  Yes...it is a horror film.  This may not seem like a horror film but that is because we won't mention the psycho Santa Claus or the masked man with the machete...or the mental asylum in Switzerland...we have too much other stuff to talk about when Sybil Danning graces the silver screen.  Today we look at 1984's "They're Playing with Fire," directed by Howard Avedis.

Diane (Danning) is an English Literature professor  at a southern California university. She teaches her students, sunbathes in skimpy bikinis, and has a lot of passionate sex.  She seduces a clean cut student, Jay (Eric Brown) to do her a favor.  See, Diane is married to an evil professor, the hunk Michael (Andrew Prine).  Diane and Michael want to off Michael's grandmother and sister so they can inherit the family wealth.  They tell Jay that they just need him to break in the mansion and scare them.  Why would Jay do this?  Please!  Diane uses deviant sex to persuade him.  Diane also hires Jay to do odd jobs on their yacht.  The odd jobs allow him to peek at Diane sunbathing, showering, and to have steamy sex with his professor.

Right!  Jay breaks into the mansion and nothing goes as it is supposed to.  Someone else in in the mansion and murders the grandmother and sister and tries to murder Jay.  Now if the cops are called, Jay will be the prime suspect.  Jay figures out Diane and Michael set him up.  Worse yet, a nubile babe in class, Cynthia (Beth Scheffell) blackmails Jay. She has taken pics of him screwing Diane and won't hesitate to show Diane's husband.  Unfortunately for Cynthia, she will meet the psycho Santa Claus. So sad.  Now to keep Jay interested and loyal to her cause, Diane has a ton more deviant sex with Jay and claims she is going to leave Michael.  Wait!  Is this really what is going on?  Twists and turns.  More steamy sex...more gratuitous showers...more murders...and in every part of it Sybil Danning is doing what Sybil Danning does best.

Did Michael and Diane really murder the grandmother and sister?  Is a life sentence in prison worth a lot of steamy sex with Sybil Danning?  Was Cynthia's brutal fate merely because she was on Santa's "naughty" list"?  This is an uber-erotic mystery thriller that becomes a slasher/horror film.  For gratuitous Sybil Danning, treat yourself and watch "They're Playing with Fire."

Wednesday, April 17, 2024

A Blood Story, Bikini Model and Eternal Youth

Yes!  Mindy Robinson plays a bikini model taking on Elizabeth Bathory's family.  Is there a more perfect plot in the history of film?  Forget the tired plots about racism (Yawn), social justice, superheroes, or strong-willed women succeeding in a man's world.  All garbage!  Gimme a bikini model bathing in the blood of virgins and deviant sex.  Wokeness be damned...nubile bikini models rule!  That's my motto.  Today we look at 2015's "A Blood Story," directed by Joe Hollow.

Madison (Robinson) is a bikini model turned writer.  She comes home one day and finds her husband cutting up a young babe in their marital babe.  Madison shoots him dead.  Happens. Now Madison is a writer searching for the fountain of youth.  She ends up at a castle run by the ancestors of Elizabeth Bathory.  Francis (Camden Toy) and his daughter Anna (Melanie Robel), who are just a little too intimate for dad and daughter, are the hosts.  At this castle, young nubile babes are whipped to death and their blood is used for bathing.  Madison takes advantages, bathes in the blood, and all her scars, inflicted on her by her crazy husband, disappear.  Also there is ex-assassin Carter (Mark Hanson)...he and Madison will bond.  Many months later, Madison and Carter decide to rob the castle of its treasure.

Now Madison and Carter return for another weekend of bathing in virgin blood.  Uh oh, Elizabeth Bathory's (Debra Lamb) spirit wants Madison.  Uh oh again, Anna and Francis are smart...they know Madison and Carter are there to rob them.  Triple uh oh...Francis and Anna want to do a blood ritual and bring Elizabeth back to life.  Who's blood will they need for this ritual?  You can probably guess.  Or can you?  Incest...orgies...aphrodisiacs...spankings...BDSM...more incest...and blood baths will fill much of this film.  Oh yes...Linnea Quigley is in this, too.

Will Madison and Carter be successful in stealing the Bathory gold?  Will Elizabeth take Madison's soul...and/or body?  If Hollywood script writers made more films about bikini models bathing and frolicking, would  they have to fear about being replaced by AI?  This is a gratuitous and satisfying film on so many levels.  One may even hazard to aver that this film is Mindy Robinson's magnum opus.  See "A Blood Story," and develop a new appreciation for bikini models.    

Monday, April 15, 2024

Meander, Claustrophobic Scifi

Okay, I admit it.  This film will not get a lot of love.  Too bad as there is so much to love about this one from France.  For one...if you say to someone you watched a French movie, they will automatically think you intelligent.  Second, the babe in it will be clad in a tight, form fitting space-babe suit through most of the film.  Lastly, no matter how the first half of this film goes, there will be gore and a monster...or two. Today we look at 2020's "Meander," directed by Mathieu Turi.

The lovely Lisa (Gaia Weiss) wants to end it all.  Not able to cope with the death of her little girl, she tries to throw herself in front of oncoming traffic.  If things couldn't get worse, she is picked up by a homicidal maniac, Adam (Peter Franzen).  He tries to murder her, then...  Well, then what?  Great question.  She just wakes up in a claustrophobic chamber in the aforementioned jumpsuit. Even more confusing is there is a bulky bracelet on her that lights up and counts down from 11 minutes.  She cannot get it off.  The thing she is in seems to be controlled by an intelligent, though malignant force as it pushes her out of the chamber into a tunnel maze.  Now she is forced to go forward and explore the tunnels.  If she stops, the walls close in on her until she reached the next tunnel.  Even worse, periodically, the tunnels fill with flammable gas and fill with fire.

Slowly, Lisa adapts to the dangers of this maze.  Acid baths, toothy barbed wire, crushing walls, fire, and even water are her perils as she goes forth...but forth to what?  Uh oh...remember the psycho Adam?  He's in the tunnels too.  Already burned over all his body, he is not human anymore, but a monster.  He still wants to murder Lisa and he pursues her.  Now, Lisa must not only figure out what is wanted of her, the mystery of the tunnels, but also outsmart Adam.  If you saw "Cube" or "Crawl or Die," you will realize the inspiration for this film.  Claustrophobic and squirm-inducing, the film will then branch out into a science fiction plot with some weird plot developments.

What are the backstories of Adam and Lisa?  Just who or what abducted these two and are they now pawns in a twisted game?  Is there escape for the Euro-babe in the tight jumpsuit?  Many of you will not like where this movie eventually goes, but I say...Great, go for it!  Bored with the DC or Marvel idiocy some call a universes, see a real movie that makes you think...and wince.  Watch "Meander" today for a terrific horror/science fiction story.   

Saturday, April 13, 2024

The Sniper, Man on Roof Hates Brunettes

Misogyny did not begin with Bill Clinton. As the governor of Arkansas and then as president, this fiend victimized young woman and ruined them.  Misogyny existed long before this creep...in fact, our film today is over 70 years old.  Brunettes beware!  These dames will not fare well.  Today we look at 1952's "The Sniper," directed by Edward Dmytryk.  This one is a dark Film Noir type thriller and not the feel good film of the 50s.

Edward has a problem.  He hates women.  He is just out of prison against the recommendation of the prison shrink.  Both Edward and the shrink know that the he is unstable and liable to hurt pretty women. Now Edward is back in society and pushed to insanity by the sight of lovely brunettes.  The urge to murder them is so intense, he intentionally burns his hand to stop them.  This doesn't work.  Now he comes into contact with Jean (Mary Windsor) a sultry brunette who wears slinky gowns, flirts, and sings at a bar.  She's gorgeous and every man lusts after her.  Edward takes his rifle, finds a rooftop, and blows Jean's head off.  Very sad. Jean won't be the last.  The cops get involved.  Detective Kafka (Adolphe Menjou) and police shrink Dr. Kent (Richard Kiley) are on the case.  They meet hundreds of sex maniacs in the city looking for the killer's identity.

Edward will kill Mary (Marlo Dwyer), a prostitute that mocks him.  Then the socialite Mrs. Fitzpatrick (Lillian Bond).  Now city hall is pressuring Kafka to find the killer.  Eddie unravels even more and his misogynistic tendencies take further hold on him.  More babes are endangered and murdered...not all brunettes now.  Kent and Kafka find clues.  The city panics.  Unfortunately for everyone involved, Edward is a great shot...and never misses.

Will the cops find Edward before he murders every babe in the city?  What made Edward into what he is today?  Are the themes and plot devices in this 1952 movie more relevant today than they were over seven decades ago?  See this horrific case study of a misogynistic psycho and realize that we have infinitely more of them prowling America today.  See "The Sniper" for a vicious tale of murder and failed mental health policies.

Thursday, April 11, 2024

6 Wheels from Hell, Torture on the Road

We just don't have enough films about torture chambers. Pity, these things do make such wonderful metaphors especially in Biden's America.  Throw in college hunks and babes and a psycho trucker, well, we have a film that counteracts the trash that the Academy Awards gave us recently.  Today we look at 2022's "6 Wheels from Hell," directed by Evan Allen...with some nice cheese and beef.

The torture and annihilation of the beautiful Taylor (Mindy Gilkerson) opens up our film.  Mother Trucker (Mark Anthony Baca), we'll call MT, has crafted a torture chamber made from an old creepy looking truck.  MT finds babes, and sometimes hunks, on the road, abducts them, imprisons them in the back of his truck, and torturers them before murdering them. Taylor is the present babe and undergoes unimaginable torture.  She is still alive, but quite mad. Along come two great looking couples  Ethan (Malachi Durant) and his babe GF Alexis (Evan Keys)...and also the nubile Angel (Brenna Marie Narayan) and her beau Mason (Kevin L. Sanders).  While stopped at a diner, this quartet gain the notice of our psycho as they mock him...mistake.  MT then knocks out the babe Alexis, throws her in the torture chamber next to Taylor, and drives off.

Now her three buddies are in pursuit.  We get a good look at the torture chamber with all its whips, chains, car batteries, body parts, severed limbs, etc.  Taylor is quite insane and pleads with Alexis just to give MT anything he wants.  The three buddies will catch up to the truck and find themselves captured, too.  Also in pursuit is Detective Cooper (Andriana Garbiso) and Detective Ford (Bradley Rumery).  They have no idea the depravity of MT...but will soon find out.  MT begins torturing by burning off tattoos, electrocuting, whacking with a baseball bat, and pulling teeth.  Not all will survive, but Alexis is determined to survive...as was Taylor before going insane.  Alexis will even try to seduce our fiend.  MT will test her loyalty...and you can probably guess how.  As babes and hunks are marred and killed, Alexis is determined to avoid being scarred or bloodied.

Will Alexis turn the tables on MT and be able to save her seemingly doomed buddies?  Is Taylor a metaphor for what has happened to the American people over the past few years in Biden's America? Will our two inept police detectives be able to help the nubile and the hunky, or find themselves hung on meat hooks in the back of MT's truck?  There is something so right about this film.  The cast is great looking and Mr. Baca plays the psycho so well.  For gory carnage, great beef and cheese, and good metaphor, see "6 Wheels from Hell."  

Tuesday, April 9, 2024

The Wind, Meg Foster's Opus Magnum

Meg Foster!  Before her role in 1988's "They Live," which defined a generation, she turned in her magnum opus. As a damsel in much distress, this great 1980s actress excelled as another 1980's legend, Wings Hauser, acts as the slasher. Nothing says 1980s better than Meg Foster, Wings Hauser...but we can also add in David McCallum and Steve Railsback.  Today we look at a 1986 film by Nico Mastorakis, "The Wind."

As our film begins, Sian (Foster) is snuggling with her lover, John (McCallum).  She is a best-selling murder mystery writer and John is...well...useless (just like most men).  We will not speak of John again. To inspire her next novel, and perhaps get away from the milquetoast lover, Sian goes to Greece and rents a 1700 year old house on a cliff from Elias (Robert Morley).  She desires solitude and atmosphere.  Sian begins writing and is soon visited by Phil (Hauser), a slasher/psycho.  It is apparent from the outset that Phil is a psycho...as most men are.  This is confirmed early on as Phil begins murdering anyone he can find.  Now he sets his sights on Sian.

Sian is smart.  Her mind is warped anyway from writing so many murder mysteries.  This will help her battle the sickle-wielding madman.  What is it with sickles and Euro-Trash films?  Anyway, the battle is on.  More murders will occur and Sian's ability to call for help is hampered by the strong wind outside bringing down the phone lines.  Sian puts up a good fight finding imaginative ways to create weapons and mount a defense.  Running away is not an option as the wind is so strong she is liable to be blown off the cliff if she tries.  But there's hope...Steve Railsback is on his way. Who is Steve Railsback in this film?  A man...so probably useless in this mid 1980s feminist anthem. 


Will Sian, given that men in Greece are so useless, have to find a way to murder the murderer?  Does Phil the psycho have a good point in his fear and hate of a strong-willed and empowered American woman?  Is Phil's use of a sickle hidden symbolism of the bloody wrath Communism has put upon weak European countries?  See "The Wind" ands enjoy a tour-de-force performance of Meg Foster.

Sunday, April 7, 2024

Evil Laugh, 1980s Slasher Fare

How did I miss this one?  A 1980s slasher film with nubile babes and hunks. A lot of big knife murders interrupting pre-marital sex.  Perky blondes and beefy guys desiring only deviant sex.  Whipped cream, bondage, and leather sex toys included...this is a classic...or should be. Nudity, gore, and pre-marital sex will dot the landscape of this 1986 slasher film, "Evil Laugh," directed by Dominick Brascia.

Jerry (Gary Hays) gets to the house early. The house?  Jerry and his babe GF Connie (Ashlyn Gere) will live there with other medical students while turning it into a foster home.  There's more...it was a foster home until 10 years ago when Martin, a caretaker, murdered all the children in the house including six babies.  Martin's body was never found.  Also arriving is nursing student and perky blonde Tina (Jody Gibson) and hunk Mark (Myles O'Brien). The two will hook up. Oh yes, horror movie fan Barney (Jerold Pearson) who gets really scared when he hears the house's history.  Oh yes, the rich snobs Betty (Karen O'Bryan) and Sammy (Tony Griffin) who are nymphomaniacs.  Oh, I should say Connie will never join Jerry as he is cut up and has his vital organs pulled out by a knife wielding killer before Connie or the other students arrive,

Now all the students have arrived and wonder where Jerry is.  The killer has a big knife and will go to work immediately.  Ancillary characters are offed.  Pre-marital sex will begin.  Whipped cream and bondager will enter the plot. In a weird twist, Jerry's internal organs will be fed to the group. The blondes, Betty and Tina, ripe for violation and deviance, will do what perky and ditzy blondes do best in these 1980s slasher films.  Connie seems to have what it takes to be a final girl...worry not, she'll have a gratuitous shower scene.  The killer, who has a weird and obnoxious laugh, will slice and dice.  Axes and microwaves will also be used as murder weapons.

Will Connie indeed be a final girl?  Is the old caretaker really the murderer or is this too easy?  Is 2024 America too woke to think of whipped cream and bondage as plot devices in modern film?  Enjoy the beef and cheese as nubile babes and the men who love them get diced up.  For a real 1980s slasher film, see "Evil Laugh" and admire how films used to be.  

Friday, April 5, 2024

The Loch Ness Horror, Sea Monster Carnage

Sure...they sing folk songs about it.  The Loch Ness Monster.  Children have cute stuffed animals made from its image.  However, the slithery and toothy thing is indeed a monster.  In our film today it is a relentless, unmerciful creature capable of all sorts of icky things...as we will find out in this film.  Desire to pat and tame it if you will, but don't be fooled...a monster is still a monster no matter how many folk songs are sung in its honor.  Today we look at 2022's "The Loch Ness Monster," directed by Tyler-James.

Old Nessie swims out of Loch Ness and into the North Sea.  A submarine crew is tailing it...or is Nessie tailing the sub? No matter, the monster destroys the sub and all its crew. Now some mysterious foundation sends another team to find the sub.  Uh oh...the nubile Lara (Becca Hirani), the hunk Bryce (Dan Gittens) will join this new mission as submersible operators.  Also joining is the sultry Willow (Lila Lasso) the diver, and incompetent but sultry redhead doctor Ava (May Kelly). and a few more soon-to-be-eaten blokes.  They will board a warship, a destroyer, and meet the other half of the crew...and they are a nefarious bunch.  Yep, Ewan (Rob Kirtley) captains the ship and he is mean...don't worry...he will get his. 


Soon, our good guys realize they are not on a mission to recover a sunken sub, but a mission to get the Loch Ness monster.  This is bad news as the creature does not like people, unless they are on the buffet line.  The monster attacks and eats a bunch of the crew.  Alas, Willow is sent down in a shark cage and will not be as fortunate as Hooper was in "Jaws."  Now Lara, Bryce, and Ava must survive the monster and the maniacal crew of the destroyer.  Uh oh...the monster and the psychotic crew are the least of their worries.  It seems Nessie has a surprise or two up its fin...an icky and horrific surprise.

Will our good guys be able to survive the monster, the crew, and the surprises?  Instead of folk songs, will Heavy Metal noise now be written about Nessie?  Will Bryce get to have pre-marital sex with any of the babes on board before they are eaten?  Special mention for Lila Lasso...just like Kelly Hu, Rhona Mitra, and Kristi Angus, she has built a fine reputation as a babe actress who seems to die so horribly in horror films.  See "The Loch Ness Horror," and stay away from Scotland. 

Wednesday, April 3, 2024

KillHer, Four Babes Go Camping

Four hot babes! They go camping in the wilderness for a bachelorette party.  Standard horror fare?  Maybe.  That is...until the second half of the film.  Then this film turns into the magnum opus of the lovely actress M.C. Huff.  Gore and torture will abound.  To avoid fatal spoilers, today's description will focus on the first half of the film.  Let us take a look at 2022's "KillHer," directed by Robyn August.

Nothing new here...the sultry and nubile Mattie (Jenna Z. Alvarez) will soon marry the hunk Jagger (Jack Schumacher). Uh oh...Jagger has a suspicious past.  Both his parents were murdered and so was his ex.  Questioned by police, Jagger was never charged.  Eddie (Huff) decides to take Mattie camping in the woods.  Uh oh...to Eddie's annoyance, Mattie invited her other buddies, the sultry Jess (Emily Hall) and Rae (Nicole Lovince).  These two add-ons will serve as annoyances for Eddie who might have intimate feelings for Mattie.  The exciting Eddie will tell Mattie that Jagger and his buddies will join them...this appears to be a lie.  Jess and Rae do not like Eddie and you will see why.  They get to the campsite and next to them is not Jagger and his buddies, but a weird hermit named Mr. Rogers (Tom Kiesche).

Suspicion is heaped on Mr. Rogers.  The gals notice weird behaviors from him.  He even has a gun and a chainsaw. The gals partake in naughty activities and as their campfire wanes, their imaginations get the best of them.  What follows is bloody carnage and torture.  The nubile Mattie trusts Eddie but the other two babes do not.  Now Eddie must battle mistrust and her true feelings for Mattie.  More blood and more murder.  So much murder.  Mr. Rogers now sees the gals as adversaries...but he also appears to be afraid of them. The nubiles will find themselves battling one another just as much as they battle the murderous force that stalks them in the woods.

Exactly who is Mr. Rogers?  Why doesn't Jess trust Eddie?  Will Mattie ever get a clue and realize that her best friend sees her for more than just a friend?  This will get quite gory and the death count will get extensive.  For a film about four damsels (or most of them are damsels) in the woods being stalked by a killer appeals to you...YES...see "KillHer."     

Monday, April 1, 2024

Mary Had a Little Lamb, Axe-Lamb

We all remember the nursey rhyme. It was written as homage to the Virgin Mary and the baby Jesus. Let a filmmaker get hold of it and we have a homage to "Texas Chainsaw Massacre," complete with a cannibalistic family, nubile babes served up on a buffet, and a monster lamb. Does this cross the line?  Did "Texas Chainsaw Massacre"?  This one is grim, gory, taboo, and without humor or wit.  A true horror film.  Today we look at either a piece of heresy or some dark horror.  Our film today is 2023's "Mary Had a Little Lamb," directed by Jason Arber.

The sultry Carla (May Kelly) hosts a cold case crime radio show.  She's about to get cancelled unless she can dig up some recent cases as opposed to hundred year old murder mysteries. She finds one...12 hikers have gone missing in the same section of forest over the past decade.  She takes her inept crew which includes the nymphomaniac Liz (Danielle Scott), and a bunch of other bait.  Most notable is our very pretty researcher, Shelley (Charlie Esquer).  Oh, those 12 hikers...captured by a weird old woman, Mary (Christine Ann Nyland) and her deformed son, the monster lamb (Gaston Alexander).  In fact, as our film begins, they have the lovely Joan (Lila Lasso) tied up at the dinner table and make her eat the remains of her just killed BF.  Charming.  Mary likes the pretty ones and we wonder if it is because she is looking for a mate for this six-foot monster lamb that is her son.

Carla and her crew start researching and find Mary's old house in the woods near the disappearances of the hikers.  They are invited in and right away figure something is weird about Mary. One by one the crew is taken apart by the lamb child.  The lamb loves pummeling with a hammer, using a chainsaw, or eating flesh directly off the warm body. Babes and nymphomaniacs will not fare well...and Mary appears to be saving Carla for something special.  Eventually, the lamb makes itself known to Carla and what it and Mary will try to do to her is right out of Tobe Hooper's classic.  

Gory and heart breaking, this is a vicious and bloody tale.  Will Carla pull herself together and be able to save herself and any of her crew?  Will the lamb decide that Carla is the gal for him/it?  Will Mary feed the crew to Carla at a final feast? For a dark and ominous horror film, see "Mary Had a Little Lamb."

Saturday, March 30, 2024

Stranded, Bigfoot vs. Grouchy Family

Boggy Creek!  Yep...the Bigfoot capital of the world.  Every year, tens of thousands of Americans are shredded by Bigfoot in that Arkansas hamlet.  In fact...more people are murdered by Bigfoot in Boggy Creek than die at the hands of Mexican cartels. Okay, maybe not.  So who do you cheer for when Bigfoot comes face to face with a grouchy broad who yells at everyone through the whole movie?  I know my answer.  Today we look at 2023's "Stranded," directed by Shawn Burkett.

Mom has died...good riddance.  She looks like she was a cantankerous and grouchy woman.  Fear not, her daughter Katherine  (Brittany Blanton) is worse.  She yells at everyone and is ticked off because she thinks she was the only one who cared for her mom while she was dying.  Chill out, babe!  Her mom's last wish was that Katherine and her other two kids, Joel (Dale Miller) and Donnie (Mike Pleska) take her ashes and spread them in Boggy Creek...don't ask.  Ha!  Put that in your will...sort of a final practical joke on your family you leave behind.  Uh oh...Joel shows up.  Joel is sort of the prodigal son.  He left the family and just stayed away for years.  Donnie is useless, but who can blame him?  Every time he tries to do something, Katherine yells at him.  Also along in this quest is Donnie's wife, Sharon (Payton Pleska). She will be a real trooper and also gets yelled at by Katherine.


The four get stranded in the middle of the night near Boggy Creek.  Alone with mom's ashes in Joel's car, the family bickers non stop.  Then Bigfoot shows up.  Annoyed at the bickering he attacks.  Slashing and roaring, Bigfoot aims to murder the annoying family.  The family bickers some more.  Now a chance.  At survival? No!  A chance to honor the dead mom by healing old wounds and bonding together as loving siblings.  Heroism will enter the plot.  A spirit of reconciliation enters it.  Are these things sufficient weapons in fighting Bigfoot?


A very likable film in which Bigfoot is portrayed as a vicious homicidal cryptid.  Heartbreaking at times, and a great visit back to Boggy Creek.  Will Bigfoot prevail over the PMS-ridden grouchy Katherine?  Will Joel realize he was better off when he put distance between himself and his siblings?  In the grand scheme of the universe and its order, is there any difference between spreading mom's ashes in Boggy Creek or just flushing them down the toilet?  For some good Bigfoot fun see "Stranded."

Thursday, March 28, 2024

Creature of the Walking Dead, or La Marca del Muerto

Okay...a 1961 Mexican horror movie! "La Marca del Muerto."  Then Americans come along and start culturally appropriating everything. Hence a 1965 horror movie with American names in the cast called "Creature of the Walking Dead."  Yep...Jerry Warren commandeered this from Fernando Cortes.  What is Cortes going to do...fight the Johnson Administration and try to sue in the corrupt U.S. courts?! Fat chance!  So today we look at a creepy and atmospheric Mexican...I mean American horror film, "Creature of the Walking Dead." An undocumented classic.

Dr. Malthus (Fernando Casanova) is a mad scientist who believes he has come up with a serum to give himself everlasting life!  This always ends well, doesn't it? There's a catch.  He needs human blood and a donor.  Not being a fool, Malthus abducts nubile babes to be the donors.  He needs them often. Finally the cops arrest him and hang him.  A hundred years pass.  His descendant, the young Malthus inherits the old house.  Martin takes possession and immediately finds the old lab, the notes of the experiments, and skeletons of dead nubile babes who were used as donors by his ancestor.  Now Martin gets a bright idea... complete the experiments.  Uh oh...he also digs up the original Malthus' body.  Yep...the younger Malthus abducts a babe (Aurora Alvarado) and uses her blood.  Now Malthus comes back to life and regains his youth.

The old Malthus over powers the younger and locks him in one of his cages.  Next, he finds the fiancĂ©, Beth (Ann Wells) and sets a wedding date.  Uh oh...he cannot keep his youthful looks for long and must keep abducting nubile babes.  He again fills his cages in his dungeon with these cast-offs from Mexican soap operas.  Uh oh...he needs more and only Beth seems willing to come within 500 yards of him.  Now the nubile Beth is in danger.  Meanwhile, the young Malthus and the surviving but increasingly drained babes plan escape.  They better hurry.

Is there a chance the nubile Beth may actually prefer the older Malthus than her boring and inept fiancĂ©?  In today's America could either Malthus have illegally entered the U.S. and be given their own hospital and supply of babes by the Biden Administration? Why can't current TV networks culturally appropriate Mexican soap operas and give up on current TV shows and movies that seem to be allergic to beautiful women?  This is a fun one...so culturally appropriate away and enjoy "Creature of the Walking Dead." 

Tuesday, March 26, 2024

Forest Primeval, Indian Hallowed Ground and its Curses

Happens! You think you are minding your own business...instead, you trod on some old Indian burial ground.  Yep...big mistake.  Now, a centuries old curse is after you.  Soon, you lose your head.  How many hunks and babes have given their lives by doing just this?  Today we look at a Polonia Brothers film, 2008's "Forest Primeval," directed by John and Mark Polonia.  This one will boast of a really neat rubber monster standing eight feet tall with some nice teeth.

As our film begins, a hunter (Frank Humes) and his pretty wife (Maria Davis) are hunting on Skull Mountain.  Mistake.  Skull Mountain was the site where Indians used to decapitate white settlers who trespassed.  Now a centuries old monster is released as the land is trespassed on again.  The big red and toothy fiend swats both these peeps, decapitating them.  Uh oh...Camille (Cindy Wheeler) lives nearby and has visions of these murders.  Anytime the monster strikes, she sees it in these visions.  She is going crazy and no one believes she is sane.  Now she heads out to Skull Mountain to face her fears head on...this is not a good idea.  Also headed onto Skull Mountain is Lou (Kevin VanSant) and his buddy Reggie (David Fife).  The two are in an RV and Reggie will look for Indian gold with his metal detector.

The monster, now loosed, will be on a rampage.  It likes decapitating people and even wanders into a babe's home and swats her in a shower.  Camille is beside herself and determined to find it.  Many more will be decapitated or gutted.  The monster isn't the only fiend dredged up by old Indian curses.  Some corpse also joins the mayhem as it comes out of the grave.  Now everyone on Skull Mountain is dying horribly leaving Lou, Reggie, and Camille to either find out what is happening and how to stop it...or die trying.

Will Camille join either Reggie or Lou in the motor home for pre-marital sex?  Will the sequel to this film see a wealthy developer build a casino on this cursed Indian property?  Have either Lou or Reggie ever kissed a girl, or are they fated to attend Star Trek conventions every year?   Polonia Brothers Entertainment never fails to please, and this one is no exception.  The creature is wonderful and the deaths are so much fun.  For a terrific B movie experience, see "Forest Primeval."

Sunday, March 24, 2024

Arctic Hollow, Dark Horror

No...dark...like, literally dark.  So dark this is almost a radio drama.  Fear not!  Actually, that will be easy. All the scares happen when it is almost pitch black. Monsters!  A lot of monsters!  In the dark!  Imagine what they will look like.  Anyway, this may not be a horror film per se...but almost like a H.G. Wells or Jules Verne type story.  There is another world to be discovered, deep underneath the one we live in. Anyway, IMDB can take their 3.3/10 rating and put it where the sun doesn't shine.  That is where this film takes place.  I'll say it...I enjoyed this film.  Today we look at 2024's "Arctic Hollow," written and directed by Scott Lambson.

Minimalist Bruce (Lenny Uitto) slurps his coffee and breakfast. He lives in a cabin with no furniture. Alone with sordid memories of lost opportunities and other bad stuff he gets inspired during an Alaskan blizzard when he hears a distress call.  A pilot, Bruce wants to rescue a party of four who claim they are being hunted.  Bad news.  The blizzard rages and there is no way to fly into where they are.  Snow be damned, he flies in anyway.  The landing will be tough as it will be a crash landing.  See, Bruce knew the bloke who made the distress call.  Carlos (Ricardo Costa) is the colleague of Alison (Stacey Ann Turner). Bruce loves Alison.  Bruce and Alison sort of hit it off on an awkward date, but realistically, if it is not Alison, Bruce will probably not find another girl.

Uh oh...Carlos tells Bruce that Alison never came back.  The quartet went into an underground cave looking for a lost world.  Alison is obsessed with finding it as she believes her missing dad is there.  Monsters get Carlos and Taylor (Ethan Kartchner)...never mind Taylor...and now Bruce descends into the cave alone looking for Alison.  He'll find monsters.  Or monsters will find him.  They will hunt him and he will run. Yep, no surprise here, Alison shows up. Uh oh, the monsters collapse the entrances to the cave and Bruce and Alison can only go down...down...down.  But will there be anything all the way down, like an underground world? 

Will Bruce and Alison rekindle the magic of that first date and engage in pre-marital sex?  Will the monsters get them first?  Is there an underground world that waits for them?  All these questions will be answered.  If you love radio drama, this is the film for you.  If your brain is good at 'filling in the blanks,' this is the film for you.  See "Arctic Hollow," and wait to see the light.

Friday, March 22, 2024

Pterodactyl 2, They're back!

Those of you who figured "Pterodactyl" would be the magnum opus of Danielle Scott, spoke too soon.  Her portrayal as a sweet blonde turned brutal monster killer definitely moves ahead of the bird-horror film as her defining role. Like in many horror films, if a monster killer does not destroy the nest...the creatures come back for a sequel.  Look at the Biden Administration, several years after we got rid of Obama...eek!  Today we look at 2023's "Pterodactyl 2," directed by Ben J. Williams.  This one stars a bunch of hot babes and some very useless men.  Typical U.K.

The sultry Carrie (Kelly Rian Sanson) goes to a cabin in the woods, of course, with her mates.  Her BFF Ronnie (Zarima McDermott), also a babe, tries to fix her up with the ghoulish Tom (Rene Vrabel). He'll be eaten...not by Carrie, but by an onslaught of monster birds.  This is good news/bad news for Carrie. Now she won't have to deal with the creepy Tom, but the birds have eaten most of her friends. She will get away with a decent bloke, Ash (Gaston Alexander). The two swear to keep this episode secret as both figure no one will believe them.  Carrie reconnects with her retired army commando dad, Robert (Jase Rivers).  We meet Robert and understand why the British military is known as a joke the world over. He'll assemble commandos from his old unit...do you want to guess how this will go?

Ash and Carrie also visit Lynn (Scott).  The duo finds out that she survived a bird onslaught last year.  She did and now has devoted her life to finding the ones she didn't already murder and also finding the nest.  Lynn, Ash, and Carrie head back to the woods as Robert's troops get eaten.  The bird attacks seem endless, and commando babes get eaten as fast as the commando hunks.  Lynn has attitude.  She also is heavily armed.  As this trio arrives, they find Carrie's dad on the defensive as just like the British military, he had no idea what he was up against.  Now with the help of Lynn, a competent war will be waged.  Uh oh... surprises await...of course.

Is Robert and his commandos a metaphor for the incompetence of NATO as they try to fight Russia?  Are all men in the U.K. as useless as the blokes in this film? Will there be a "Pterodactyl" franchise that may see a half dozen more sequels?  The Pterodactyl Universe, shall we say!  See "Pterodactyl 2" and find out why the Royal Family has Princess Kate locked in a cage in a dungeon.   

Wednesday, March 20, 2024

Discopathe, Bloody Disco!

First there was Vinny Barbarino, thanks to John Travolta. Then Disco and "Saturday Night Fever," then disco died and we had Scientology and Tom Cruise. Wait!  Back up! Today we have a Euro-Trash type film, only this is is from French speaking Quebec (Montreal). Disco!  An all-girls boarding school in which the sultry students explore their sexuality with one another. A hot nun who is having a torrid affair with an equally as sultry teacher. A lot of lesbian scenes with babes...and all those babes will die horribly.  Bad taste!  Disgusting!  Crossing the line by a lot. Whatever Disco did to you in the 70s, it turns the antagonist in today's film into a serial sex killer. Today we look at 2013's "Discopathe," directed by Renaud Gauthier.

Warning...this one will shock you. It will show you scenes you will not be able to eject from your memory. Duane (Jeremie Earp) is a timid hunk hornswaggled by a stunning young woman, Valerie (Katherine Cleland). She'll make him dress in a disco outfit and take her to a trendy New York City discotheque. The music will get thumping and he will go to work on Valerie with a knife. He'll take her hand (from her arm), and abscond to the airport where he will fly to Montreal. Four years later he pops up at Sainte-Lucie College, an all girls boarding school. He's the A.V. guy. All the students are stunning, wear skirts that are a bit too short, and have lesbian exploratory sessions.  Sister Mirielle (Ingrid Falaise) is also stunning and having a torrid affair with the sexy teacher, Francine (Sandrine Bisson).  Every female mentioned in the above paragraph will meet a horrific and bloody fate.

Two babe students (Catherine Antaki and Sibylle Gauthier) will be making out to Disco music. The music sets our evil A.V. guy on a murderous rampage. He charges into the room and cuts the two babes up with broken records and absconds with their heads.  Uh oh...he also has Francine the teacher naked and tied up in his boiler room office.  He'll dance around with the two heads and taunt Francine with them. Then, Sister Mirielle will be lured down there and...well...you won't believe it. Enough.  Any more description of this film would be gratuitous.  Oh...the ending.  Unbelievable.  Even dead, the Catholic school babes are not safe from violation from the evil A.V. guy. You won't believe this film which probably earned an X rating.

Bloody. Disgusting! Without humor or wit!  Total depravity!  Hey...it is a horror film in the true sense of the word horror. Oh what this evil A.V. guy will do to nuns, high school girls, grieving parents, cops, etc.  Deviant and depraved...you have been warned.  You can watch this on Tubi and you will never have to tell anyone you saw it.  See "Discopathe," but not as a date night take.  

  

Monday, March 18, 2024

Screature of the Lagoon, Military Experiment Gone Wild

Where are Joel and the 'bots when you need them? Hey, I'm not saying today's feature is a bad movie. I loved it! Then again, I loved "Track of the Moon Beast." Okay, some apparent errors dot this plot.  I stress the word "apparent." Dead characters appearing in the next scene. Main characters getting killed...and coming back, over and over again. This one is infinitely better than "She-Hulk" or "Thor." Today we look at a film by Jake C. Young, 2021's "Screature of the Lagoon." Look at this one as a working man's "Predator."

Matt Logan (Young)!  He's buff!  He's a mercenary who can kill with his thumbs and track down any human or monster. He also looks great in a poncho. Government types find him and enlist him on a top secret mission in Canada. A government experiment went wrong and it escaped.  Now the failed experiment is a creature that kills. Matt will be matched up with three tough commandos who will all be killed...but do not fret...they'll all come back...more than once. Hey, this worked for the space-babe in "Space Mutiny" (Billy Second)!  Okay, the four set off into the woods and the army man turned monster hunts them.  One by one the commandos will be shredded and killed. This is where continuity problems are our friends. They all keep coming back. 

Matt is tough.  Sure, he'll get killed, too...but in this film, no one stays dead...just like the space-babe in "Space Mutiny," or Victoria Principal in "Dallas."  Now its personal, and Matt has a trusted machete.  The monster and Matt seem to have a date with destiny.  Wait!  The government is not Matt's friend.  As if it's any of our friends. Matt will grunt a lot.  Matt will die a lot.  Matt will prevail a lot.  A battle for humanity's survival will occur right outside Montreal and you can bet that Justin Trudeau is on the side of the evil government conspirators and the monster.

Will Matt survive the monster and the government?  Is this Screature-thing a metaphor for the Trudeau's government war on freedom and the real peeps who live in Canada?  Will the Canadian Parliament invite the Screature to address them and give it a standing ovation?  See "Screature of the Lagoon" and be glad you are not watching "Jupiter Ascending" or "The Last Airbender."