Deranged, Necrophilia and Graverobbing

"The wages of sin is gonorrhea, syphilis, and death." So we are reminded by Ma Cobb (Cosette Lee) several times in this film.  The old bitty will also tell us all women are whores.  Let's not argue with these points, they do merit serious discussion.  Instead, let us dive into today's film.  This 1974 drive-in classic will disturb you. Yep, one of those films that if one is unstable, it'll push him over the edge to commit heinous acts of depravity.  Fortunately, in 1974, at the drive-ins, most people in the audience were making whoopee instead watching the movie.  Today, however, the insanity and derangement of the main character will remind one of the current occupant of the White House.  Our feature today, "Deranged," directed by Jeff Gillen and Alan Ormsby. Oh!  Tom Savini was a make-up artist for this film.

The unstable Ezra (Roberts Blossom) is devoted to his prudish mother.  She tells him of what evil women will do to him if he looks at them. She dies and he is upset.  Over a year later, Ezra digs his mom up from the grave, brings her back home, and restores her.  Restores her? Yep...he needs fresh skin and new limbs.  What better place to get these items than from currently alive people. Ezra then begins dating.  Hid dates will find themselves dead and contributing to the mother project. Ezra talks to his mom as if she is alive.  Once the deranged date, there is no turning back.  Interestingly enough, his first date, the fat Maureen (Marian Waldman) is just as crazy as him.  Maureen contacts the dead and tries to get the dead to tell Ezra to have deviant sex with her.  She'll die horribly.

Okay, as the film goes on, the kills get heartbreaking and gratuitous.  By the way, the more Ezra dates ugly women, the more he desires true babes.  We'll meet barmaid Mary (Micki Moore) and hardware store clerk Sally (Pat Orr).  What happens to these two, I must warn you, you will never unsee.  Be warned before putting this film on. What else does Ezra do with the dead bodies he's accumulated from his graverobbing?  Do you have to ask?

Is there any chance the lovely Sally or Mary will survive until the end of the movie?  Does Ma Cobb have a point about women?  I mean, is it a good enough point that we should probably debate the merits of her assertions?  In the interest of respecting all views, perhaps Ezra and his mother should be listened to and given a platform.  Sadly, in 1974, Ezra could legitimately be considered an insaniac.  Today, 50 years later, we elect the likes of Ezra to the highest office.  See "Deranged" if you can prepare yourself from some unhealthy imagery. 

Maid Droid Origins, A Kinky Robot Clad in French Maid Lingerie

As soon as the Japanese invent a babe robot that looks just like a woman...well, sayonara all you Women's Studies majors. Guys are done.  At least, more and more. Dating and flirting are akin to rape in today's woke America. Just wait until men can buy a woman who is not "empowered" or "equal." It's coming.  Last year we reviewed "Maid Droid."  Now we have the prequel, 2024's "Maid Droid Origins," also directed by Rich Mallery.

Eve (Katie Kay) is the aforementioned android, created by scientist Timothy (Brian Brewer). As our film begins Eve strangles to death her owner during deviant sex.  Now Eve is on the run and finds her creator. Timothy is shocked.  He has a babe wife, Belle (Cassie Ghersi) and now he has Eve.  Eve has a bond to him, probably because he had sex with her when he first created her.  Just like a woman...can't just move on. Timothy no longer works for the company that makes these babe robots. They fired him when they caught him having sex with Eve.  Since Eve has killed, the company sends two henchmen to collect her. Hence Eddie (Chris Spinelli) and Sam (Emiko Ishii) show up. Eve is not eager to leave and offs the duo. Now Eve has killed three times...or has she? You'll see.

Belle finds a sleeping Eve in the garage and confronts her husband. The two have a kinky dom-sub relationship which has Timothy getting spanked a lot. They also feud a lot. Eve does not feud with Timothy and now Timothy is getting close to Eve. A catfight coming?  Oh yes!  Eve spends most of the film in French maid lingerie, and Belle is often in very kinky underwear or lingerie.  Timothy continues to get spanked.  Eve continues to take over Timothy's affections.  Belle decides to take matters into her own hands in dealing with the homicidal Eve.  But wait!  Yep...more twists! 

Can Eve be programmed, and Belle convinced that threesomes aren't really a bad thing?  Why is Timothy even bothering with Belle when Eve can be programmed to shut up, not nag, and be more deviant on command?  Will Belle spank Eve?  Okay, these are all prurient questions that should be disregarded.  For a film that will raise so many taboo questions, see "Maid Droid Origins."

Psycho Goth Lolita, Christianity vs. Satanism in Japan

Okay...the title alone will decide if you see this film.  Either you say, "Oh, yes!"  Or you say, "Garbage!" A Japanese one with bladed weapons, severed limbs that spurt out endless amounts of blood, and a nubile lass with some grudge. Anime?  Ryona?  Cosplay?  Yep, all those boxes are checked.  In what has to be the magnum opus of Rina Akiyama, in the title role, we have a weird themed Asian horror film.  One that may put forth Christian themes of salvation, atonement, and judgment (throw in forgiveness, too). Judgment?  Did someone say judgment?  Yep, and it will be bloody!  Today we look at 2010's "Psycho Goth Lolita," directed by Go Ohara.

During Yuki's (Akiyama) birthday party with her mom (Fumia Nukajima) and dad (Yurei Yanagi), a hooded gang storms in and crucifies the mom.  They leave both Yuki and her dad for dead.  Both recover but now the dad, Jiro is wheelchair bound. Jiro is a Christian minister and now Yuki is Psycho Goth Lolita.  Adorned in a black leather dress, and black leather boots, she now has a deadly umbrella made by Jiro.  The umbrella is a killing device.  The duo are committed to tracking down the mom's murderers and imposing judgment on them.  One by one, Yuki finds them.  She is a killing machine meting out God's vengeance on the fiends.  The judgments all include elongated fight scenes and incredibly gory kills complete with severed limbs and spurting blood.

Our favorite is the elongated catfight between Yuki and Elle (Misaki Momose) . The two Asian dolls could have fought all day, none of us would have complained. All this leads to a confrontation with Masato (Ruito Aoyagi).  Who is Masato and why did him and his gang crucify Yuki's sweet mother?  Uh oh!  A twist!  One that most of you will see coming.  Now Yuki will be forced to battle her inner demons and keep serving God.  Uh oh, again.  Masato was expecting the lovely warrior.  What Yuki will find will be demonic, shocking, and may spell the end of her and her quest for righteousness.

Can the Japanese population find salvation through this film?  What are Christian themes doing in this Japanese horror film with a young Ryona-type heroine and spurting blood?  Would a leather clad Asian babe serve the seeker sensitive movement nicely?  Get whatever you wish out of this film.  The imagery isn't all orthodox but certainly, our vengeful nymph with the mean umbrella is definitely on a holy crusade.  See "Psycho Goth Lolita" and don't worry about what your book club buddies think of you. 

Alligator 2: The Mutation

Gotta love mutations in our films.  Beats fields of flowers.  Gotta love alligators in our films.  Beats unicorns.   Gotta love dynamite and rocket launchers in our films.  Beats baguettes and Chardonnay.  Gotta love corrupt mayors and shady real estate developers in our films.  Beats former boyfriends and supportive best friends.  Today we have a man's movie!  Our feature today is 1991's "Alligator 2: The Mutation," directed by Jon Hess.

Two blokes diving outside a sewer runoff for fish are eaten by the mutation. Bummer.  Seems Vinnie (Steve Railsback) is a real estate developer trying to inflict his real estate plan on this Florida town.  He corrupts the mayor (Bill Daily). Now cop David (Joseph Bologna) is on the case when some kid finds one of the diver's legs. Yep, was no boating accident.  David sends the leg to the lab where his wife is the scientist.  Christine (Dee Wallace) tells him it was no boating accident.  Now David tries to get the mayor to call off a festive carnival that will be held by the lake.  The mayor refuses and Vinnie tells the mayor to get rid of the persistent cop. The big alligator, feasting on dumped chemicals eats a homeless encampment.

Rookie cop, Rich (Woody Brown) joins David on his quest to find and kill the monster gator.  His GF is the mayor's daughter, Sheri (Holly Gagnier). Vinnie and the mayor call in a renown gator hunter, Hawk (Richard Lynch) and his boys.  They bring dynamite.  David and Rich already tried dynamite...didn't work. Go figure.  Now Hawk and his boys join forces with the cop duo as the babes, Christine and Sheri, try to stay out of the way and still try to appear useful (a metaphor for successful women in America today).  The gator will get hungrier and decide to go to the carnival.  You can see where this is all going.

Will the cop duo or the gator hunter team kill the mutation?  Will Sheri or Christine actually do anything useful in killing the gator or will they wait at home preparing a pot for gator stew?  Will our real estate developer meet a predictable fate or become the ReMax broker of the year?  This is a fun one.  The cast is sensational and it is always good to see a mutation and a gator, never mind if they are combined into one monster!  See "Alligator 2: The Mutation," and know you have added a level of testosterone in your chemical make-up.

You Shouldn't Have Let Me In, American Babes in Italy Shredded by a Vampire

We have an erotic one today.  An erotic vampire one. What makes a movie erotic.  Well, a few things.  The babes have to be sultry and the guys have to be hunks.  The hunks and babes have to engage in deviant and prolonged pre-marital sex.  The gals need some gratuitous lingerie and very tight slinky garments. Stilettos will help. The guys? Six-pack abs and they have to grunt a lot.  A Tubi Original has captured our arousal factor today, 2024's "You Shouldn't Have Let Me In," directed by Dave Parker.

The sultry but shallow social media influencer, Rochelle (Isabella Egizi), is getting married in Italy.  She rents an old Italian villa/mansion for her bachelorette party. Her buddy, the very sultry Jenny (Anastasiya Bogach) is already there and sultry redhead Kelsey (Diana Gardner) has just arrived.  Breanna (Giulia Nunnari), the sultry party girl in the tight party dress and stilettos?  Already eaten by a vampire at the nightclub she was at last night...so sad. Some tenseness seeps into this reunion of the babes here in Italy. Seems Rochelle (who has over a million followers on Instagram) stole her fiancé Richard (David Nurra) from Kelsey. Oh, also arriving is Blake (Nathaniel Ansbach), the gay friend. The party gets going. Then an invite from the owner of the villa, Victor (Fabian Castro). He's a vampire, but the gals don't know it yet. Meet at a trendy nightclub...the same one Breanna was eaten at.

The booming Techno Rock seems to hypnotize these gals to some semi-lesbian behavior.  There, Victor, the vampire, sets his eyes on Kelsey and entrances her.  He convinces the gals to invite him and his vampire henchmen back to the villa. There, Kelsey will have deviant sex with Victor, Rochelle and Jenny will share some lesbian passion, but not before sex with the two henchmen.  Now Victor moves in to change Kelsey.  How does this go?  Ha!  You'll see. Oh, Blake!  The gay guy!  Guess who else is gay. The sacred knight who's life's mission it is to slay vampires, Dario (Riccardo Angelini). Quite the hunk too, though not a great sacred knight.  It is difficult to find good sacred knights in Europe since the formation of the EU.  There will be passionate pre-marital sex.  Deviant sex.  Lingerie peeled off and thrown across the room. Babes running in stilettos fleeing bloodsuckers. Blood. Throat cuttings. Throats ripped out.

Will Victor be able to turn Kelsey into his vampire bride?  Will Rochelle shed her materialism and narcissism and help save Kelsey from the entrancing vampire?  Why does Tubi or Hollywood seem allergic to making movies with such high babe-factors?  Well, this one has the cheesecake and beefcake which movies of late seem to avoid.  For some erotic bloodsucking, see "You Shouldn't Have Let Me In."  

Flesh Eaters, Cannibalistic Mutants in the Swamp

Cannibalistic mutants in the swamp!  A mad scientist! A babe searches for her missing babe sister! Extra-marital sex! A green, long-toothed monster!  Okay, this one is less than low-budget.  Perhaps it is a C film instead of a B film.  Whatever the budget, this one is infinitely better than the crap that is "Star Wars" and "Mandalorian" idiocy.  It is also a far more attractive thing than Taylor Swift.  Today we look at the James Ian Mair film, 2022's "Flesh Eaters."

As the film begins a babe wandering into the swamp is torn to pieces and eaten by mutant Akro (Benjamin Mair). Fast forward, Bella (Tara Bixler) is screwing her sister's hubby, Brandon (Jed Brian). The sister, Emma (Jordan Leigh Wheatley) is a nice gal but suspects her husband is messing around. Bella and her buddy, Gretchen (Sunny King), then go into the swamp to attend a party. Everyone at the party has been ripped apart by Akro, but this mutant captures Gretchen and Bella and brings him back to the lab where Dr. Trenton (Jeff Angel) turns people into these cannibalistic green mutants. He does this to Gretchen and soon he will do it to Bella.

Emma and Brandon trudge into the swamp and almost get murdered by Akro. A scientist, Jack (Grant Karazsia), investigating these murders, saves them. Now Akro goes back to the lab. Oh!  Bella does become a mutant and will strangle the nurse (Jamie Angel) with a human intestine.  The final confrontation is inevitable.  Not only when Jack and Emma meet the mad scientist and the mutants, but also when Emma confronts Brandon about him boinking her sister. Bodily organs will be ripped out and tossed about and eaten. A mad scientist will inject glowing green fluid into helpless babes.  Brandon will get what he deserves.

Will a catfight occur between Emma and Bella?  Will Akro find love with one of these babes?  Will an army of these mutants be able to defeat the Houthis or the Taliban?  This is a good one with some cheesecake and gore.  For a terrific C movie effort, see the very fun "Flesh Eaters."

Storm Warning, Aussie Hillbillies and Yuppies

From Australia, we have one that will make you squirm. So, what do you call hillbillies in Australia? Never mind.  When two yuppies get lost and end up at the mercy to these fiends, well, it'll be worse than when New Yorkers get lost in West Virginia.  Making the wrong turn down under can be horrific as this film shows.  Today we look at 2007's boobie-trap fest, "Storm Warning," directed by Jamie Blanks.

She's sultry and speaks French. Pia (Nadia Fares)! She's an artist and quite cultured. Her boyfriend is a less impressive dolt, Rob (Robert Taylor), a hack lawyer. They will go boating but the dolt gets them lost. As a storm settles in, Rob pulls into an island and the yuppies go on foot to try to find help. They stumble across a marijuana farm run by three hillbillies.  Jimmy (David Lyons), the half-wit Brett (Mathew Wilkinson), and Poppy (John Brumpton). Poppy is asleep at first and the fiends paw poor Nadia and desire sex with her. Rob gets territorial and the hillbillies clobber him. You won't believe the awful things the trio will make Nadia do in order for them not to murder her husband.  Sensing she will be raped by these smelly creatures, Nadia prepares. Her mantra is "...to get a mad dog, you must think like a mad dog...only madder."  Originally a Rudyard Kipling quote, but it serves well here.

The fiends get drunker by the minute and now Poppy wakes up.  The yuppies are locked in the barn but Poppy has his boys fetch her.  The sultry Nadia has noticed a ,lot of hooks, fishing line, bladed instruments, and pullies.  Oh, what a gal can do with the proper accessories.  Then there are a few more accessories she notices...the types only a gal can use.  Now the fiends have gone and done it.  They got a woman upset.  Nadia is more than upset.  She's...well...no tally-whacker will be safe now. The last half hour of this film will be difficult for you guys to watch.  You gals?  Well, you'll be cheering. Enough said.

Will Nadia get her and the injured Rob out of their perilous predicament?  Whatever Nadia does to these three guys, has she ever done it before, or will she ever do it again?  Will Rob reassess his love for Nadia after he sees the way she treats a...actually, never mind this question.  This is a vicious one but one you will love.  For a wincing good time, have a Fosters and see "Storm Warning."   

Olivia, A Babe, a Knife, and a Toothbrush

She is hot!  You know what that means.  Yep, she's also a complete psycho.  You divorced guys have told me this wisdom. Well, psycho or not, we do like the antagonist in this film as she is really good looking and her victims...well...their brutes (dumb hunks) who had it coming.  Today we look at a 1980s horror film, 1983's "Olivia," directed by Ulli Lommel.

The 20-year old Olivia (Suzanna Love) married the brute Richard (Jeff Winchester) when she was 16. We can't blame her for choosing the wrong mate. He'll abuse, rape, and enslave her.  Richard probably did not know Olivia is a complete nutcase.  Nope. How would he?  When she was five she witnessed her prostitute mother (Bibbe Hansen) beaten to death by a U.S. soldier.  This film takes place in London, by the way. Now grown up, Olivia is imprisoned in a bad and abusive marriage.  Richard demands she stay at home, not have a job, no friends, and give him sex whenever he wants.  We see a problem developing.  Olivia has conversations with her dead mother.  Yep, the dead mom hates men.  Olivia loves her mom and decides to emulate her.  She puts on a short skirt, go-go boots, loud make-up, and leather accessories. Now she walks under the London bridge looking for lonely men.  She finds them, goes home with them, and murders them while in the throes of passion.

Enter Mike (Robert Walker, Jr.). he's an American in London to consult on repairing the London Bridge. Guess who he meets while photographing the bridge. Yep, and the two are enthralled with each other. They'll begin a love affair and Richard finds out.  There will be a struggle and Richard will end up in the river. Olivia runs away and Mike is sent back to the States. You guessed it...serious cultural appropriation occurs. The firm steals London Bridge, puts it in Arizona, and sells luxury condos around it. Mike moves there because of fond memories of deviant and passionate sex. Typical American. Then guess who else shows up!  Yep, but not as Olivia, but as Jenny a sales girl working for the development firm. But wait, she claims she is not Olivia and does not know Mike. Mike is sure its her. Maybe the dead bodies of men showing up under the bridge will be a clue as to whether she is Olivia, or not.

Is Jenny in fact Olivia?  What happened to Richard and what is likely going to happen to Mike?  Are the bodies of men underneath the bridge in Arizona clients who would not pay for the upgrades in their luxury condos?  This is an erotic and bloody one.  Don't figure on knowing what will happen next. Ms. Love turns in a sensual performance, sometimes completely nude.  Gratuitous nudity, gore, and passion are three good reasons to see "Olivia."  

Deus, God or Something Else?

All those who say "something else," give yourself a gold star. The lovely Claudia Black will say the same thing in this 2022 science fiction effort, which serves as a workingman's "Event Horizon." When you look into the face of God, what do you see?  What do you feel?  Not open ended questions. Ask David who shed some insights in the Psalms and Old Testament.  Ask those who walked with Jesus. Who do you say He is?  An important question in the Gospels.  Guess what. The antagonistic force in this film does not pass any of those tests.  Today we look at "Deus" (aka "Deus: The Dark Sphere"), directed by Steve Stone.

A big black sphere has camped itself next to Mars. On Earth, the 21 billion people population spells doom.  Spells doom?  Says who? Right!  The scientists. Nothing is known about the sphere except it has just appeared, thus a big spaceship, that will remind you of the one in "Event Horizon," is sent there with a scientific team. Of most note is Karla (Black) who will immediately hear the voices of her dead mother and daughter as soon as they get close. Of other note is the hot Asian babe (Crystal Yu). Sadly, Ms. Yu appears way down in the credits foretelling a gory demise. Yep, even the blogger, Si (Branko Tomovic) hears accusing voices in his head. He actually flips out and disembowels our hot Asian chick...so sad. Yep, the ship reaches the sphere, and the sphere begins communicating.  Right...it is God, or so it says. On Earth the scientific community says that is possible and plot the murder of 15 Billion people. Yep, even the future has the Dr. Fauci types.

Karla, Sean (Charlie MacGechan), and security officer Ulph (David O'Hara) go onto the sphere. A gate opens up with wonderful light emanating from it. It beckons Karla and she enters.  What does she see? Heaven! Oh yeah?  Wisely, Karla is skeptical.  Scientists on Earth are a little too eager to buy into this, but why? Promises of happiness and peace abound from this sphere.  Earthlings are excited.  Karla still isn't buying it. Ulph murders Sean, but why?  Karla starts pleading with everyone to not trust these messages of peace and harmony.  Don't worry, the mystery of the sphere will be revealed.  Testing everything in light of the scripture escaped the scientific community in this film and it may lead to the extinction of mankind...unless Karla can prevail.

Is the sphere God?  What does Karla know?  Is the scientific community really desiring peace, harmony, and the preservation of the species?  The questions posed in this film are all answered by Karla. For a biting endorsement of knowing who God really is (read the Gospels, and listen to David), see "Deus."  

Battlefield Earth, John Travolta and his Annoying Laugh

Okay, this one got 2.5 stars out of 10 in IMDB. This is interesting because it is a far superior film than "Star Wars." Better acting, too.  John Travolta and Forest Whitaker are fine actors.  Let's face it, Mark Hamill and Carrie Fisher were hacks.  Both of them should have taken an acting class. So why are we bent on hating 2000's "Battlefield Earth"?  Well, it was written by the founder of Scientology, L. Ron Hubbard.  It was made with big help from Scientologists.  Okay, Scientology is weird but at least they don't rape and pillage Latin and South America, start wars just so defense firms can get wealthy, or consider themselves their own country. You have to be suspicious of Scientology critics when the leading one is that failed, second rate actress Leah Remini.

Let's talk plot. Humans are an endangered species in the year 3000. Living in the wilderness, evil Psychlos have taken over the planet and are plundering its resources. Sound familiar? These fiends are led by Terl (Travolta) and he has a plan. His plan is to train the humans to mine the gold mines in the Rockies, and abscond with the gold himself. His faithful liege is Ker (Whitaker). Meanwhile, Johnny (Barry Pepper) has been taken prisoner by Terl. He plans to escape, start an uprising, and kill all the Psychlos. Terl's greed will be his undoing as he puts Johnny in the knowledge machine so he can teach mining to the rest of the humans. Johnny is a good student and learns a lot more. Now Johnny organizes the enslaved human into a plot to rebel, kill the alien invaders, and blow up the Planet Psychlo.

Johnny has a lust for freedom based in reality. Unlike in "Star Wars" which has that silly "force" that can be anything you want. As Terl and his greed rule with brutality, Johnny leads by inspiration and example. Hardly modern day American ideals...maybe that's why we are supposed to hate this film. A lot of battles will occur, but when Johnny figures out a way to use the fighter jets from the old U.S. military (better than those Ukrainian pilots learned to fly F-16s), he kind of evens the playing field.  A major war for the continuation of the human race has now begun.

Remember what Hollywood had before Scientology?  What did Scientology replace in the mid-1970s? You peeps who lived through the 70s will remember Satanism had its claws in Hollywood. The grand Satanic priest, Anton Lavey hosted the biggest and most influential parties. The fools of Hollywood dropped him and adopted Scientology. As annoying as they are they did make a film far superior than "Star Wars" and that Mandolorian garbage.  For a pretty good and action packed sci-fi film, with loads of human inspiration (no forces), see "Battlefield Earth" and try to avoid the rantings of that so-called actress, whatever her name is.    

Ship of the Damned, Worse than a Carnival Cruise with a Plumbing Problem

On the surface we have the standard ghost pirate ship story. Okay, the cannibal element makes it a bit gorier.  However, after the end credits begin rolling you will see that you have just watched a creepy and unsettling horror flick. Those of you who are similar to me and love ghost ship horror, and today we have a good one. The ghost ship in question is a 400 year old pirate ship and it is a dark, dank, creaky haunted house on the seas.  Let us look at 2024's "Ship of the Damned," directed by Steve Lawson. 

It's here. Where did it come from? The backstory of this ghost ship began 400 years ago.  During the blockade of Cartagena, the pirates sought gold as they held a city captive. Uh oh...instead they are given a woman. She is, like many women is a witch (I didn't say that, autocorrect strikes again). The witch curses them and now they are destined to sail the seas forever without any possibility of pulling into port. Now they show up on the west coast of England. Hence, Elena (Hannaj Bang Bendz), the babe MMA fighter/Ph.D. is summoned. She wrote her thesis on pirate ships.  The ship is believed deserted. Elena is a babe who broke up with her doting BF four years ago.  Now the BF,  Michael (Jacob Anderton), works for the Coast Guard and summons his former GF with hopes of rekindling the romance they once had. Them and two Coast Guard hunks will board the vessel and see what is going on.

The two Coast Guard hunks?  They'll be eaten. Very bloody. Eaten? Yep...the pirates are still on board.  They are also cannibals. Cursed and grouchy, they are fascinated by Elena.  Jacob (Ben Manning) a brute who captains the ship wants Elena to bare them children. In other words, he intends to use Elena as a breeding vessel. Elena is smart and plots escape.  Her old BF, Michael is also smart. The duo appear to be able to outsmart the pirates.  Sad...the pirates aren't as dumb as Michael and Elena believe.  But wait!  How many 17th century babes were schooled in MMA fighting?  Well, I'm not sure if I know the answer to that.  Uh oh...Jacob offers a cryptic piece of their history.  The ship is not cursed...him and his crew are.

Will Elena and Michael be able to escape and rekindle what they had four years ago?  Will the curse on the pirates be removed?  Is there a match brewing between the hulk of a pirate Jacob, and the MMA schooled Elena?  Does this sound pretty standard?  It isn't.  The ending is shocking.  Nothing in this film goes the way you assume it would. For some shocking horror on the high seas, see "Ship of the Damned." 

Goddess of Love, Psycho Stripper

All women are complete whack-balls!  Wait!  I didn't say that. Damn auto-correct!  What I meant to say is that some women have emotional issues...probably the fault of men in their lives. Not here.  Our psycho-babe today is a complete Norman Bates.  She even has a big knife.  We will try to forgive her for her indiscretions in this film as she is also quite the babe.  Our feature today is 2015's "Goddess of Love," directed by Jon Knautz.

Venus (Alexis Kendra) is a stripper...and guess what!  Venus is her name. Really, Venus Noella. She's quite the babe. On stage she eyes a customer, Brian (Woody Naismith) and she falls in love with him. The two find a backroom and get it on.  They'll have a lot of pre-marital sex before Brian, a hunk, realizes she is a complete whack-ball (there's that term again). Brian is a fashion and nude photographer and his babe wife just committed suicide.  Venus takes an unhealthy obsession to him.  Soon, he will feel smothered by the psycho-babe and begin avoiding her.  She'll track him down and find him dating the sultry, but a bit more clean cut, Christine (Elizabeth Sandy). Catfight coming?  Oh!  To say the least. When Christine has the baseball bat and Venus has the hunting dagger, well, let's just say it makes beautiful cinema.

Okay, so what is going on? You divorced guys know. Psycho babes have an expiration date.  They may be good for a week but then...run away!  Venus' obsession with Brian gets to the bloody stage.  She will let nothing get in the way with her being with her hunk.  She'll turn violent and her paranoic schizophrenia will be on display.  By the way, she is not taking anything for this psychological malady.  Christine?  Yep, she's in mortal danger. Venus will try to keep working but Brian's rejection causes her to try to castrate her customers at the exotic dance club. No more plot.  The last part of this film is wild. 

Will Brian see the err of his ways and take back psycho-babe?  Will Christine end up gutted by psycho-babe? Will Venus' obsession ever serve as a turn on to any guy out there?  Brutal and difficult to watch at times.  Alexis Kendra masterfully portrays an insane woman becoming more and more insane as the film progresses.  Erotic and prurient, "Goddess of Love" is a film that will arouse and shock you.

Sex Game, Social Media Influencers in Peril

Social Media Influencers in peril from cannibalistic mutants? I know...we'll be cheering for the mutants. Today we have a heartwarming tale of a hunk and babe social influencer...both idiots (probably Taylor Swift fans).  Even worse than these two "influencers" are the millions that watch and follow them. Although, they do have a nice shtick. These two ingrates accept challenges for money to go to certain places and engage in deviant and passionate pre-marital sex...on camera! Today we look at 2023's "Sex Game," directed by Luca Zanlorenzi.

Our nympho-duo is in Italy. We like her, Rachel (Alice Doyle). She wears a leather corset, go-go boots, and fishnets.  Her miniskirt gives Ryan (Riccardo Fusero), a dweeb, easy access, shall we say? They are completing challenges all over Italy. Next up is to screw in a house of royalty. Uh oh...its closed for tourists.  Next challenge, a haunted or mysterious setting with a creepy or homicidal past. Lucky for them a small ghost town in the Italian Alps is only a half hour away. See, back in the 1970s there was an environmental disaster there. A nuclear plant blew up and all the residents turned into cannibalistic mutants.  Quarantine ensued, and the place is off limits, still.

Rachel and Ryan, despite being warned by the creepy gondola operator, go to the top of the mountain and find the town.  There doesn't appear to be anyone there.  They'll screw in the tent on their first evening up the mountain. The plan is to screw in the town the next morning.  Uh oh...they are not alone. They'll complete the challenge but no cell service prevents anyone from seeing it. Now the cannibalistic mutants are after them. The fiends have already murdered scientists in containment suits.  These hideous beings plan on eating our dynamic duo.  Now our influencers are on the run, and of course Rachel is not dressed for running.

With her go-go boots, mini-skirt, leather corset, and fishnets, is Rachel at risk of completing the challenge with someone (or something) other than Ryan?  If they eat Rachel, exactly what do we mean by "eating"?  Might Rachel be used as a birthing vessel for future mutants?  Perhaps a metaphor of what insane environmental policies in the EU may cause.  The more pertinent metaphor is what most of the world thinks of the youngsters in the EU and their shotty morals and narcissism. Go mutants!  For a fun warning to all you social media influencers, see "Sex Game." 

Kiss Me Monster, Euro-Babes and Sacrificial Cults

Okay, so picture this. The sultry Euro-Babe secret agent knocked out by another sultry babe, this one Asian. The Euro-Babe will be put in a cage, chained up and whipped by Asian babes as the leader of a lesbian virgin cult snickers on the sideline.  No, not a sequel to "La Dolce Vita," but the 1969 Jesus Franco film "Kiss Me Monster." Jesus Franco?  Picture a poor man's Jean Rollin.  Jean Rollin? Fine, we'll spell it out for you, Euro-Babes in danger, sometimes making out with each-other, often dying horribly, and nude a lot. Bring this one up at your next book club!  

Two sultry secret agent dames, twin sisters Diana (Janine Reynaud) and Regina (Rosanna Yanni) are hired by INTERPOL to find a missing genius and his secret formula. The dames go about their investigations by posing as an internationally renown stripper duo, The Red Lips. Now they hit an isle of Spain and begin snooping and performing. Their acts are quite...arousing. They'll meet an assortment of weirdos, many want to rape and kill them. During one of their striptease acts, Regina meets the missing scientist, but he is murdered before he can tell her anything. Now two cults are after them.  One dresses in red cloaks and black dunce cap type hoods. The other one, the aforementioned lesbian virgins, abduct and torture Regina. Oh! Some mad scientist has created hunk clones with the minds of dogs and these guys invade the cult, kill the virgins and abscond with their leader.   

Regina and Diana are together again and each has found out a lot of information. They'll be double-crossed but their seduction techniques get them out of a lot of hairy situations. The babes will frolic in bikinis, striptease costumes, and other playful garments as they are abducted, roughed up, and put in forms of bondage.  Fear not, their seduction abilities is the greatest weapon of all in this film.  Now it appears everyone they meet is an imposter, a double-crosser, or a weird cultist (just like the U.S. State Department).  Many of those peeps will die horribly, as our sultry sister duo get closer to solving a mystery that should never be solved.

Will Diana and Regina end up in a massive catfight with the virgin lesbian cult?  Will our sultry duo be chained up together and whipped by rival strippers?  Will these two Euro-Babes have any clothes on when they do solve the mystery?  Ha!  You thought there was nothing left on the streaming services that was of any interest to you!  See "Kiss Me Monster," and enjoy a playful Jesus Franco film with a lot of Euro-Babe seduction and violence.

Megalodon: The Frenzy, Sharks Eat the Navy

This is a sequel! Do you have to see the original to understand what goes on in this one? Heavens no, just read the 1880 Guy de Maupassant novel.  Do yourself a favor and read it in the original French. Just know in the first one, a big shark eats a lot of the U.S. Navy.  In the this one, the big fish goes through the U.S. Navy like the Yemeni Houthis do.  I also need to say it is wonderful to see Eric Roberts and Caroline Williams.  Our feature today, from The Asylum, is 2023's "Megalodon: The Frenzy," directed by Brendan Petrizzo.

A bunch of megalodons (big sharks) are eating along the California and Mexican coasts.  Eating? Yep, the U.S. Navy, surfers, babes walking on the beach, luxury yachts, and submarines. These things are getting to be 200 feet in length. Captain Sharp (Roberts) commanding the USS King is trying to destroy them.  His marines are getting eaten as the fish flies up and lands on the warship's deck.  Near Hawaii, Dr. Clark (Williams) is harnessing energy from a volcano.  A big breasted Ph.D. candidate, Kristy (Jessica Chancellor) arrives to help out.  Clark is her idol.  Other than her great big...smile, she will be of no use to Clark's team and research other than screwing up.  We still like her because of her...smile! The sharks begin attacking her undersea research laboratory and now they are able to capture one. 

More U.S. Navy ships get eaten...maybe the sharks are Yemeni. Dr. Clark has a plan.  As The USS King is running away, Clark calls them with her hair-brained idea.  Cpt. Sharp agrees to it and now turns his boat around to meet her in Hawaii.  He'll be of no help, just like a modern day U.S. Navy carrier group in the Mediterranean.  Kristy does what Kristy does best...well, maybe the thing she does second best...she screws up!  Now Williams has to cover for her.  Cpt. Sharp and the USS King do what the U.S. Navy does best...screw up.  Now the Houthis had closed down the Gulf and the sharks eat Mexico.  Still, Dr. Clark has spunk and damn if she will let some stupid skank scientist ruin all she has ever worked for.

Will the incompetent but nubile Kristy have a gratuitous shower scene in this film?  Will Cpt. Sharp have a Captain Ahab moment?  Will Dr. Clark beat the living snot out of the incompetent Kristy?  Fans of films from The Asylum will love this one.  Fans of Eric Roberts and Caroline Williams will love this one.  Fans of the Stanley Kubrick film "Paths of Glory" will love this film.  So go read the Guy de Maupassant novel, and watch "Megalodon: The Frenzy."

 

A Beginner's Guide to Snuff, Deviants Squaring Off

Hey!  Why not?  Let's not judge.  One man's deviance is another man's joy.  Okay, so making a snuff film may not be something you can bring up at parties...bur seriously, is it any more deviant and harmful as vaping, or book clubs, or even using betting apps on your smart phone? Besides, American young men may need a healthy outlet for the feminization they have to endure at colleges and universities.  Today we look at 2016's witty extreme horror film, "A Beginner's Guide to Snuff," directed by Mitchell Altieri.

Dresden (Joey Kern) and his younger brother Dominic (Luke Edwards) are trying to make it in Hollywood as film makers. Imagine this, it's not going well.  Dresden comes up with an idea.  A snuff film! Okay, in Dresden's defense, not that making a snuff film needs to be defended, his plans are to kidnap a babe and go through the motions. He believes if the babe thinks she is actually going to be tortured, raped, and murdered, her performance will be better. At least, that what he tells Dominic.  Hesitantly, Dominic agrees.  The boys do a casting call and select Jennifer (Bree Williamson). She's a babe and we like her.  The boys viciously kidnap her and bring her to a warehouse, display torture tools (including a chainsaw) to her, and begin filming. Dresden wears a BDSM mask and Dominic appropriately wears an Obama mask. 

Oh, Jennifer?  Eek. Yeah.  See, what the boys don't know is that she is a serial killer who cuts off the tally-whackers of her victims. The boys play with the torture tools and she laughs at them.  Still tied up, the babe threatens to murder them.  She mocks them. Dresden and Dominic are alarmed this is not going the way they had planned.  Locked in a warehouse, the duo figure they can keep trying scare tactics. Nope!  Jennifer gets loose, grabs some weapons, and goes on her own little hunt for two more tally-whackers.

What happens in the warehouse is gory and humorous.  We cheer for Jennifer because she is so pretty. Okay, she is a serial killer that likes to castrate, but don't we all have deviances we try to keep secret from others? So let us not be quick to judge. One woman is a reader of romances.  Another woman is may have an attraction to a fellow cheerleader. Another may be a serial killer eager to cut off tally-whackers. Let us try to be inclusive here!" For a witty and gruesome take on snuff and serial killers, see "A Beginner's Guide to Snuff."   

Fear in the Night, Are the Insane Really Insane?

Who determines who is insane?  Right!  The ones who are not currently in the cages determine that. This is why we have Biden in the Oval Office.  Look into his eyes and tell me he is not a total insaniac! However evil Biden is, can an insane person ever be right?  Can they ever be the good guy?  When not trying to bring about World War 3, the answer is yes. What happens if a group of insaniacs get together.  Scary thought, given Biden's cabinet.  However, are they always up to no good?  We have a Hammer film today starring Peter Cushing.  Today's feature is 1972's "Fear in the Night," directed by Jimmy Sangster.

She's lovely.  The perky blonde, Peggy (Judy Geeson). I guess she got a little too perky and ended up in an asylum with a "nervous breakdown." On her own accord, and against the recommendations of her shrink, she checks herself out, marries a dweeb, Robert (Ralph Bates), and moves to a cottage on the grounds of an all-boys school in rural England. Robert is a teacher there.  The duo arrive when the school has a break between terms and none of the students are there yet...or are they? Robert helps out on the grounds and seems to be the main assistant to Michael (Cushing), the headmaster. Michael has a wife, Molly (Joan Collins) who loves hunting and making Peggy feel inadequate and uneasy.  This is easy to do as Peggy is just out of an insane asylum. Peggy senses her husband has an attraction to the huntress Molly. Then one day, she voyages into the schoolhouse, hears children's' voices, and bumps into Michael.

Oh!  I should mention Peggy swears some man in black keeps sneaking into her house and trying to strangle her to death.  This evil guy has a prosthetic arm and the attacks end when Peggy pulls his arm off.  When Peggy wakes, there is no signs of the alleged attack.  Her husband believes she is going insane again. Now Peggy keeps hearing children laughing and learning in the empty schoolhouse.  What's worse, Michael seems to have a prurient interest in her.  Molly keeps doing things like bringing her dead rabbits and reminding Peggy she is too young for Robert. The attacks, or alleged attacks, continue. Peggy unravels. Michael seems more and more insane, Peggy brings the shotgun into the house. Now Peggy is aiming to murder her attacker.  She'll have that chance.

Is Peggy being attacked by a one-armed lunatic?  Is Peggy the lunatic? Will Molly and Peggy eventually resort to an erotic catfight?  The ending is a shocker and with any Hammer film, twists will abound.  You may be the sanest being in the world.  Your nemesis may be the craziest.  Still, you still may be the evil one.  For a neat ride into the insane, see "Fear in the Night."