Saturday, March 30, 2024

Stranded, Bigfoot vs. Grouchy Family

Boggy Creek!  Yep...the Bigfoot capital of the world.  Every year, tens of thousands of Americans are shredded by Bigfoot in that Arkansas hamlet.  In fact...more people are murdered by Bigfoot in Boggy Creek than die at the hands of Mexican cartels. Okay, maybe not.  So who do you cheer for when Bigfoot comes face to face with a grouchy broad who yells at everyone through the whole movie?  I know my answer.  Today we look at 2023's "Stranded," directed by Shawn Burkett.

Mom has died...good riddance.  She looks like she was a cantankerous and grouchy woman.  Fear not, her daughter Katherine  (Brittany Blanton) is worse.  She yells at everyone and is ticked off because she thinks she was the only one who cared for her mom while she was dying.  Chill out, babe!  Her mom's last wish was that Katherine and her other two kids, Joel (Dale Miller) and Donnie (Mike Pleska) take her ashes and spread them in Boggy Creek...don't ask.  Ha!  Put that in your will...sort of a final practical joke on your family you leave behind.  Uh oh...Joel shows up.  Joel is sort of the prodigal son.  He left the family and just stayed away for years.  Donnie is useless, but who can blame him?  Every time he tries to do something, Katherine yells at him.  Also along in this quest is Donnie's wife, Sharon (Payton Pleska). She will be a real trooper and also gets yelled at by Katherine.

The four get stranded in the middle of the night near Boggy Creek.  Alone with mom's ashes in Joel's car, the family bickers non stop.  Then Bigfoot shows up.  Annoyed at the bickering he attacks.  Slashing and roaring, Bigfoot aims to murder the annoying family.  The family bickers some more.  Now a chance.  At survival? No!  A chance to honor the dead mom by healing old wounds and bonding together as loving siblings.  Heroism will enter the plot.  A spirit of reconciliation enters it.  Are these things sufficient weapons in fighting Bigfoot?

A very likable film in which Bigfoot is portrayed as a vicious homicidal cryptid.  Heartbreaking at times, and a great visit back to Boggy Creek.  Will Bigfoot prevail over the PMS-ridden grouchy Katherine?  Will Joel realize he was better off when he put distance between himself and his siblings?  In the grand scheme of the universe and its order, is there any difference between spreading mom's ashes in Boggy Creek or just flushing them down the toilet?  For some good Bigfoot fun see "Stranded."

Thursday, March 28, 2024

Creature of the Walking Dead, or La Marca del Muerto

Okay...a 1961 Mexican horror movie! "La Marca del Muerto."  Then Americans come along and start culturally appropriating everything. Hence a 1965 horror movie with American names in the cast called "Creature of the Walking Dead."  Yep...Jerry Warren commandeered this from Fernando Cortes.  What is Cortes going to do...fight the Johnson Administration and try to sue in the corrupt U.S. courts?! Fat chance!  So today we look at a creepy and atmospheric Mexican...I mean American horror film, "Creature of the Walking Dead." An undocumented classic.

Dr. Malthus (Fernando Casanova) is a mad scientist who believes he has come up with a serum to give himself everlasting life!  This always ends well, doesn't it? There's a catch.  He needs human blood and a donor.  Not being a fool, Malthus abducts nubile babes to be the donors.  He needs them often. Finally the cops arrest him and hang him.  A hundred years pass.  His descendant, the young Malthus inherits the old house.  Martin takes possession and immediately finds the old lab, the notes of the experiments, and skeletons of dead nubile babes who were used as donors by his ancestor.  Now Martin gets a bright idea... complete the experiments.  Uh oh...he also digs up the original Malthus' body.  Yep...the younger Malthus abducts a babe (Aurora Alvarado) and uses her blood.  Now Malthus comes back to life and regains his youth.

The old Malthus over powers the younger and locks him in one of his cages.  Next, he finds the fianc√©, Beth (Ann Wells) and sets a wedding date.  Uh oh...he cannot keep his youthful looks for long and must keep abducting nubile babes.  He again fills his cages in his dungeon with these cast-offs from Mexican soap operas.  Uh oh...he needs more and only Beth seems willing to come within 500 yards of him.  Now the nubile Beth is in danger.  Meanwhile, the young Malthus and the surviving but increasingly drained babes plan escape.  They better hurry.

Is there a chance the nubile Beth may actually prefer the older Malthus than her boring and inept fianc√©?  In today's America could either Malthus have illegally entered the U.S. and be given their own hospital and supply of babes by the Biden Administration? Why can't current TV networks culturally appropriate Mexican soap operas and give up on current TV shows and movies that seem to be allergic to beautiful women?  This is a fun culturally appropriate away and enjoy "Creature of the Walking Dead." 

Tuesday, March 26, 2024

Forest Primeval, Indian Hallowed Ground and its Curses

Happens! You think you are minding your own business...instead, you trod on some old Indian burial ground.  Yep...big mistake.  Now, a centuries old curse is after you.  Soon, you lose your head.  How many hunks and babes have given their lives by doing just this?  Today we look at a Polonia Brothers film, 2008's "Forest Primeval," directed by John and Mark Polonia.  This one will boast of a really neat rubber monster standing eight feet tall with some nice teeth.

As our film begins, a hunter (Frank Humes) and his pretty wife (Maria Davis) are hunting on Skull Mountain.  Mistake.  Skull Mountain was the site where Indians used to decapitate white settlers who trespassed.  Now a centuries old monster is released as the land is trespassed on again.  The big red and toothy fiend swats both these peeps, decapitating them.  Uh oh...Camille (Cindy Wheeler) lives nearby and has visions of these murders.  Anytime the monster strikes, she sees it in these visions.  She is going crazy and no one believes she is sane.  Now she heads out to Skull Mountain to face her fears head on...this is not a good idea.  Also headed onto Skull Mountain is Lou (Kevin VanSant) and his buddy Reggie (David Fife).  The two are in an RV and Reggie will look for Indian gold with his metal detector.

The monster, now loosed, will be on a rampage.  It likes decapitating people and even wanders into a babe's home and swats her in a shower.  Camille is beside herself and determined to find it.  Many more will be decapitated or gutted.  The monster isn't the only fiend dredged up by old Indian curses.  Some corpse also joins the mayhem as it comes out of the grave.  Now everyone on Skull Mountain is dying horribly leaving Lou, Reggie, and Camille to either find out what is happening and how to stop it...or die trying.

Will Camille join either Reggie or Lou in the motor home for pre-marital sex?  Will the sequel to this film see a wealthy developer build a casino on this cursed Indian property?  Have either Lou or Reggie ever kissed a girl, or are they fated to attend Star Trek conventions every year?   Polonia Brothers Entertainment never fails to please, and this one is no exception.  The creature is wonderful and the deaths are so much fun.  For a terrific B movie experience, see "Forest Primeval."

Sunday, March 24, 2024

Arctic Hollow, Dark Horror, literally dark.  So dark this is almost a radio drama.  Fear not!  Actually, that will be easy. All the scares happen when it is almost pitch black. Monsters!  A lot of monsters!  In the dark!  Imagine what they will look like.  Anyway, this may not be a horror film per se...but almost like a H.G. Wells or Jules Verne type story.  There is another world to be discovered, deep underneath the one we live in. Anyway, IMDB can take their 3.3/10 rating and put it where the sun doesn't shine.  That is where this film takes place.  I'll say it...I enjoyed this film.  Today we look at 2024's "Arctic Hollow," written and directed by Scott Lambson.

Minimalist Bruce (Lenny Uitto) slurps his coffee and breakfast. He lives in a cabin with no furniture. Alone with sordid memories of lost opportunities and other bad stuff he gets inspired during an Alaskan blizzard when he hears a distress call.  A pilot, Bruce wants to rescue a party of four who claim they are being hunted.  Bad news.  The blizzard rages and there is no way to fly into where they are.  Snow be damned, he flies in anyway.  The landing will be tough as it will be a crash landing.  See, Bruce knew the bloke who made the distress call.  Carlos (Ricardo Costa) is the colleague of Alison (Stacey Ann Turner). Bruce loves Alison.  Bruce and Alison sort of hit it off on an awkward date, but realistically, if it is not Alison, Bruce will probably not find another girl.

Uh oh...Carlos tells Bruce that Alison never came back.  The quartet went into an underground cave looking for a lost world.  Alison is obsessed with finding it as she believes her missing dad is there.  Monsters get Carlos and Taylor (Ethan Kartchner)...never mind Taylor...and now Bruce descends into the cave alone looking for Alison.  He'll find monsters.  Or monsters will find him.  They will hunt him and he will run. Yep, no surprise here, Alison shows up. Uh oh, the monsters collapse the entrances to the cave and Bruce and Alison can only go down...down...down.  But will there be anything all the way down, like an underground world? 

Will Bruce and Alison rekindle the magic of that first date and engage in pre-marital sex?  Will the monsters get them first?  Is there an underground world that waits for them?  All these questions will be answered.  If you love radio drama, this is the film for you.  If your brain is good at 'filling in the blanks,' this is the film for you.  See "Arctic Hollow," and wait to see the light.

Friday, March 22, 2024

Pterodactyl 2, They're back!

Those of you who figured "Pterodactyl" would be the magnum opus of Danielle Scott, spoke too soon.  Her portrayal as a sweet blonde turned brutal monster killer definitely moves ahead of the bird-horror film as her defining role. Like in many horror films, if a monster killer does not destroy the nest...the creatures come back for a sequel.  Look at the Biden Administration, several years after we got rid of Obama...eek!  Today we look at 2023's "Pterodactyl 2," directed by Ben J. Williams.  This one stars a bunch of hot babes and some very useless men.  Typical U.K.

The sultry Carrie (Kelly Rian Sanson) goes to a cabin in the woods, of course, with her mates.  Her BFF Ronnie (Zarima McDermott), also a babe, tries to fix her up with the ghoulish Tom (Rene Vrabel). He'll be eaten...not by Carrie, but by an onslaught of monster birds.  This is good news/bad news for Carrie. Now she won't have to deal with the creepy Tom, but the birds have eaten most of her friends. She will get away with a decent bloke, Ash (Gaston Alexander). The two swear to keep this episode secret as both figure no one will believe them.  Carrie reconnects with her retired army commando dad, Robert (Jase Rivers).  We meet Robert and understand why the British military is known as a joke the world over. He'll assemble commandos from his old you want to guess how this will go?

Ash and Carrie also visit Lynn (Scott).  The duo finds out that she survived a bird onslaught last year.  She did and now has devoted her life to finding the ones she didn't already murder and also finding the nest.  Lynn, Ash, and Carrie head back to the woods as Robert's troops get eaten.  The bird attacks seem endless, and commando babes get eaten as fast as the commando hunks.  Lynn has attitude.  She also is heavily armed.  As this trio arrives, they find Carrie's dad on the defensive as just like the British military, he had no idea what he was up against.  Now with the help of Lynn, a competent war will be waged.  Uh oh... surprises await...of course.

Is Robert and his commandos a metaphor for the incompetence of NATO as they try to fight Russia?  Are all men in the U.K. as useless as the blokes in this film? Will there be a "Pterodactyl" franchise that may see a half dozen more sequels?  The Pterodactyl Universe, shall we say!  See "Pterodactyl 2" and find out why the Royal Family has Princess Kate locked in a cage in a dungeon.   

Wednesday, March 20, 2024

Discopathe, Bloody Disco!

First there was Vinny Barbarino, thanks to John Travolta. Then Disco and "Saturday Night Fever," then disco died and we had Scientology and Tom Cruise. Wait!  Back up! Today we have a Euro-Trash type film, only this is is from French speaking Quebec (Montreal). Disco!  An all-girls boarding school in which the sultry students explore their sexuality with one another. A hot nun who is having a torrid affair with an equally as sultry teacher. A lot of lesbian scenes with babes...and all those babes will die horribly.  Bad taste!  Disgusting!  Crossing the line by a lot. Whatever Disco did to you in the 70s, it turns the antagonist in today's film into a serial sex killer. Today we look at 2013's "Discopathe," directed by Renaud Gauthier.

Warning...this one will shock you. It will show you scenes you will not be able to eject from your memory. Duane (Jeremie Earp) is a timid hunk hornswaggled by a stunning young woman, Valerie (Katherine Cleland). She'll make him dress in a disco outfit and take her to a trendy New York City discotheque. The music will get thumping and he will go to work on Valerie with a knife. He'll take her hand (from her arm), and abscond to the airport where he will fly to Montreal. Four years later he pops up at Sainte-Lucie College, an all girls boarding school. He's the A.V. guy. All the students are stunning, wear skirts that are a bit too short, and have lesbian exploratory sessions.  Sister Mirielle (Ingrid Falaise) is also stunning and having a torrid affair with the sexy teacher, Francine (Sandrine Bisson).  Every female mentioned in the above paragraph will meet a horrific and bloody fate.

Two babe students (Catherine Antaki and Sibylle Gauthier) will be making out to Disco music. The music sets our evil A.V. guy on a murderous rampage. He charges into the room and cuts the two babes up with broken records and absconds with their heads.  Uh oh...he also has Francine the teacher naked and tied up in his boiler room office.  He'll dance around with the two heads and taunt Francine with them. Then, Sister Mirielle will be lured down there won't believe it. Enough.  Any more description of this film would be gratuitous.  Oh...the ending.  Unbelievable.  Even dead, the Catholic school babes are not safe from violation from the evil A.V. guy. You won't believe this film which probably earned an X rating.

Bloody. Disgusting! Without humor or wit!  Total depravity! is a horror film in the true sense of the word horror. Oh what this evil A.V. guy will do to nuns, high school girls, grieving parents, cops, etc.  Deviant and have been warned.  You can watch this on Tubi and you will never have to tell anyone you saw it.  See "Discopathe," but not as a date night take.  


Monday, March 18, 2024

Screature of the Lagoon, Military Experiment Gone Wild

Where are Joel and the 'bots when you need them? Hey, I'm not saying today's feature is a bad movie. I loved it! Then again, I loved "Track of the Moon Beast." Okay, some apparent errors dot this plot.  I stress the word "apparent." Dead characters appearing in the next scene. Main characters getting killed...and coming back, over and over again. This one is infinitely better than "She-Hulk" or "Thor." Today we look at a film by Jake C. Young, 2021's "Screature of the Lagoon." Look at this one as a working man's "Predator."

Matt Logan (Young)!  He's buff!  He's a mercenary who can kill with his thumbs and track down any human or monster. He also looks great in a poncho. Government types find him and enlist him on a top secret mission in Canada. A government experiment went wrong and it escaped.  Now the failed experiment is a creature that kills. Matt will be matched up with three tough commandos who will all be killed...but do not fret...they'll all come back...more than once. Hey, this worked for the space-babe in "Space Mutiny" (Billy Second)!  Okay, the four set off into the woods and the army man turned monster hunts them.  One by one the commandos will be shredded and killed. This is where continuity problems are our friends. They all keep coming back. 

Matt is tough.  Sure, he'll get killed, too...but in this film, no one stays dead...just like the space-babe in "Space Mutiny," or Victoria Principal in "Dallas."  Now its personal, and Matt has a trusted machete.  The monster and Matt seem to have a date with destiny.  Wait!  The government is not Matt's friend.  As if it's any of our friends. Matt will grunt a lot.  Matt will die a lot.  Matt will prevail a lot.  A battle for humanity's survival will occur right outside Montreal and you can bet that Justin Trudeau is on the side of the evil government conspirators and the monster.

Will Matt survive the monster and the government?  Is this Screature-thing a metaphor for the Trudeau's government war on freedom and the real peeps who live in Canada?  Will the Canadian Parliament invite the Screature to address them and give it a standing ovation?  See "Screature of the Lagoon" and be glad you are not watching "Jupiter Ascending" or "The Last Airbender." 


Saturday, March 16, 2024

The Sleeping Room, A Prostitute, Ghosts, and a Possessed Boyfriend

Prostitutes. In films they can be such sympathetic figures.  Always hot. Always with a sad story. Always the losers of society's cruel lottery.  Today we look at a neat ghost/possession set in the seaside city of Brighton (the U.K.).  Of course our protagonist is a lovely and misunderstood call-girl.  This won't be a happy one.  Gritty, no humor, and if you like your horror movies like that, this one is for you.  So let us delve into a lurid tale that is 2014's "The Sleeping Room," directed by John Shackleton.

Blue (Leila Mimmack) is our call-girl protagonist. She has a past that is horrific.  Her mom used to be a call-girl at a brothel in Brighton called The Dells.  The mom was a whore when she went to see her parents, murdered them, and committed suicide.  This left Blue to be raised by foster parents.  Now Blue is amiss in life wondering who her mother really was and why she did what she did. One day, Blue is called to service a guy named Bill (Joseph Beattie) at the old brothel.  Bill is a contractor hired to fix the place up for sale.  Him and Blue will fall in love. Blue will also snoop around and find a lot of secrets in the house.  One secret leads to another secret and all of a sudden it appears that snuff films were filmed there and the gals who were butchered in them were never found.

Bill is quite taken with the mysterious Blue.  Blue is quite taken with him.  Uh oh...the evil guy who made the snuff films, Fiskin (Christopher Adamson) is still there.  Fiskin, is a ghost who possesses Bill. Blue finds antique reels and watches them.  They are brutal.  More ghosts will appear.  Blue's seedy existence will also come to wreak havoc on her.  A bloody ware will be fought at the old brothel.  Poor Blue, everyone and everything in her life seems attached to the horrific past of the old brother, and it and they all want her gutted.

Will Bill be able to fight the Fiskin ghost and help Blue prevail?  What secrets does the old place hold about Blue's homicidal mother?  Why did Blue's mother murder her parents and herself and is Blue condemned to repeat this horrific deed? Atmospheric and spooky, this film is also ominous and not the feel good film of 2014.  For a neat ghost/possession horror film, with a hot prostitute in much peril, see "The Sleeping Room."   

Thursday, March 14, 2024

Crocodylus, Croc-Man Eats Florida

Quirky, gratuitous, and crazy...we have a fine crocodile movie today.  In fairness to our grouchy monster, it is called a 'gator' by the insensitive characters in this film, a lot. Call a Ukrainian a Russian and...well, in a little while you might be right.  But call a croc a gator and you have a panic on your hands on the Fourth of July. A DNA experiment gone wrong. Not as bloody as when the CDC and that Fauci guy do mRNA experiments and they go wrong.  Still, in the Everglades, experimental curs for cancer are just laughed at by the reptile community.  Today we look at 2017's "Crocodylus," directed by Myles Erfurth.

Two sultry lesbian babes camp at a beautiful lagoon. They'll strip to bikinis, swap a lot of spit, feel each other up...and get eaten... by a monster, I mean! So sad. See, a weird professor (James Ferrigno) injected his son with an experimental drug because he has lymphoma.  You can guess the rest.  Now his son, now a croc monster, eats people.  Oh, if you like babes...they all will get eaten (by a croc monster) in this film. Women!  Who needs them, anyway?  Now police chief Conrad (Roberto Escobar) closes the beaches, has the coroner tell him "this was not boating accident," and incurs the mayor's wrath.  The croc monster keeps eating.  This little town has a brilliant scientist named Matt ((Nicholas Kalasinski).  He'll fall in love with a sultry blonde scientist, Ashley (Constance Payne...really). Unfortunately, they both will get eaten.  Unfortunately for Ashley...well, let's just say this croc monster still feels the need to sow his wild oats.

Okay, Jessica (Diana D'Ambrosio) is a hot policewoman, who is married to Conrad. Oh!  You won't believe her fate in this film.  Wow!  Enough of that. The croc monster eats little kids, every babe in the State of Florida, most of the cops, the mayor, and cute dogs.  Vicious.  Now Conrad has an idea.  A bad one, but it's an idea.  Sure, he bypassed 30 better ideas to land this one, but it'll make good cinema.

Will Conrad and his idea be able to murder the croc monster?  What exactly will happen to his babe policewoman wife?  Is the croc monster a metaphor for the Biden Administration's failed environmental policies' disastrous effect on the wetlands of this nation?  See "Crocodylus" and be careful not to get any ideas on how to conduct a good marriage from it.   

Tuesday, March 12, 2024

Teen Lust, Finally, Satan Picked On

Hollywood has had no trouble picking on Christianity.  So much so that Christians merely yawn at their efforts now. What if Hollywood throws barbs at the Church of Satan? Makes them look ridiculous while lampooning them?  This film was made in 2014 and swarms of locusts have yet to show up. Is this proof that Satan isn't as all-powerful as most of Hollywood thinks?  Throw in some virgins, hot babes (most not virgins), a sacrificial dagger, and frivolous carnality and we have 2014's "Teen Lust," directed by Blaine Thurier.

Neil I(Jesse Carere) is a hunk.  he's also sweet.  This high school student has a secret.  Him and his parents belong to a Church of Satan. The church is led by Priest Sheldon (Cary Elwes), and babe Priestess Mary (Kristin Bauer).  Neil can't go ten minutes at a time without humiliating himself in front of the hot babes at his school.  He also has secrets.  One, he is a Satanist. Two, the magic tricks he does are real. This won't help him get laid.  His buddy, the nerd Matt (Daryl Sabara) wants to help him get laid...he's also a member at the same 'church.' Uh oh...Sheldon, Mary, and Neil's parents (Jon Dore and Emmanuelle Vaugier) have been preserving Neil's virginity so they can offer him as a sacrifice to Satan, shortly after his 18th birthday.

Okay, a little late, but Neil figures this out.  Just before the ceremonial dagger plunges into his chest, he escapes with Matt's help.  His plan?  Yep...get de-virginized.  First up is his good friend Denise (Annie Clark).  This will be awkward...after all, Denise doesn't know about this Satan stuff.  Can you imagine the foreplay or pick-up line?  You'll see these in the movie. Now the entire church is after him.  On the run, Neil and Matt brainstorm about ways to quickly lose his virginity.  What they come up with will largely be unsuccessful, especially after the prostitute (Ali Tataryn) ends up being a Satanist. The Satanists control the town and Neil seems to be doomed as they converge.

Will Denise help out a friend and screw Neil?  Will Satanists boycott the film industry unless they secure promises from them to donate big sums of money and include Satanists in their films while portraying them positively...and donate to Satan Lives Matter?  Actually, this might have already been done.  Anyway, for an accurate portrayal of Satanists and their church, see "Teen Lust."  

Sunday, March 10, 2024

The Bogman, Bigfoot Shreds Arkansas

I love today's movie because its a damn good movie.  I love this movie because everyone in it seems to scream, "This is a damn good movie and we loved making it!" This movie isn't one the media and IMDB tell us we need to like.  So here it is..."To Kill a Mockingbird" is garbage! "In The Heat of the Night" is so over-rated and dull! one told me I have to like 2023's "The Bogman."  I like "The Bogman" because it is legitimately a good movie and fun. Yes, this is the film that has the hit single "There's a Sasquatch in My Shower!"  "Ordinary People" did not have that song in it.  Also, this is the film where the great quote is uttered, "I'm a cryptozoologist. I'm not a priest!"  That quote can't be found in "Titanic."  So let us delve into this Mitch Laing film.  No, not Fritz Lang!

Charlie Williams (Kyle Simpson) is moving his family to Mountain Bend, Arkansas to take over his uncle's farm.  Mountain Bend is a town surviving on tourism.  Any Bigfoot enthusiast comes to that town.  Bigfoot is fake...isn't he?  That's what Charlie and his wife Toshia (Chrissy Gray) tell their kids.  Wrong!  He's real and he's vicious.  After some sightings and then much bloodshed, a cable TV program hosted by Richard Brooks (Laing) hits town.  They bring with them the renowned cryptozoologist, Dr. Martin (Benjamin Gross).  Now the crew asserts themselves into the lives of the Williams' and trudge into the woods to find the enigma.  Already, the Bigfoot (Christian Gross) has shredded some hunters and maimed some ranch hands.  It isn't done.

TV crews and posses will be torn limb from limb. Charlie joins the TV crew and Deputy Thomas (Jeff Jopling) tags along for security.  War will ensue.  The Bigfoot is hardly a mere animal.  It is intelligent and ticked off.  The big smelly thing inflicts a horror on the Town of Mountain Bend unseen since all that carnage in Boggy Creek.  Arkansas will be even more traumatized than they were when Bill Clinton was raping its babes.  Arms will go flying, heads will be pulled off, throats will be shredded, and Bigfoot will assert his dominance on the proverbial food chain. 

Will Charlie and his family survive the monster's wrath?  Is Bigfoot merely begging for understanding and respect in America in the Modern Era?  Is having a human play Bigfoot a gross example of "Cultural Appropriation" by filmmaker Mitch Laing?  Oh, before I forget, this is the film in which the lovely Bree Hill plays Bree. This is a good one...don't miss "The Bogman."

Friday, March 8, 2024

The Quachita Beast Incident, Bigfoot vs. Old Guy with Yoga Mat

Born out of the resurgence of the Transcendental movement in America comes our film today. Nature!  A lot of nature.  Ralph Waldo Emerson and Henry David Thoreau would be proud.  So would Bigfoot.  This film was 30 years in the making...but finally after three decades, we have a story that can finally be told. Yes, you heard rumors of an incident in the Arkansas mountains.  This film explains what that incident was...and shows you a lot of nature. Today we look at a 2023 Master Hughes film, "The Quachita Beast Incident."  

Old but likable hiker (Hughes) is going into the Arkansas mountains to hike to a ridge.  It has been years since anyone has been up there. His buddy (Richard Rensberry) warns him that bear attacks may have occurred up there. Our hiker laughs at danger!  He is one of the last few real men left in Arkansas after the Clintons feminized that state.  Joining his hike is his old buddy (Scott F. Macdonald). The buddy is not a significant part of the story so we shall not mention him again.  Now our hiker, carrying around a Yoga mat treks onto an old overgrown trail.  Uh oh...Bigfoot starts following him.  At first our old hiker does not notice.  Soon he sees signs of the monster.

Soon enough, our hiker realizes he is being followed and very possibly hunted by the big hairy enigma. He'll even unroll his Yoga gets that scary.  Trudging through brush we are treated to more nature scenes.  Though the temptation to pause the film and meditate is intense, we keep watching.  Old man running through the woods of an Arkansas mountain as the hairy thing pursues.  Then...more nature.  30 years of nature, really.  Alas, a horrific conclusion awaits...okay, maybe not horrific.  A scary conclusion awaits...okay, not that scary.  A conclusion awaits.  Will there be a Yoga class?

Is this film a metaphor for the mistreatment of our geriatric population in America under the Biden Administration?  Will this film prop up attendance at Yoga classes even more than hot Asian Yoga instructors in those tight pants?  Will Arkansas' ethos ever be free of the Boggy Creek incident of the early 70s?  This is a film you must see.  Those of you who have hunted for our hairy cryptid will be able to relate.  See "The Quachita Beast Incident," and marvel how loyal it is to the book.

Wednesday, March 6, 2024

Asylum, Lunatic Hospital Becomes College Dorm

Ever been to a college dorm? Ever been to an asylum for the insane?  Same thing.  Sure, the looney bin may have a bit more maturity and hope for the inmates.  Today's college dorms are filled with the dregs of mankind who may escape one day and screw up this world even more. So why not merge these two in a gory and effective horror film?  Today we look at 2008's "Asylum," directed by David R. Ellis.

Six hunks and babes meet on the first day of college at their dorm. Madison (Sarah Roemer) is a babe who has issues. Her brother and dad committed suicide after claiming to hear voices. She has an instant attraction to hunk Holt (Jake Muxworthy). We find out this dashing young man is a recovering drug addict with a horrible secret in his past. Maya (Carolina Garcia) is fresh off a very abusive relationship. Ivy (Ellen Hollman) is a cutter with a ghastly past. Tommy (Travis Van Winkle) is a body builder with mommy issues. Then String (Cody Kasch), a 16-year-old computer genius. Uh oh, String finds out the dorm used to be a mental asylum for tortured teens. Back in 1935, the evil Dr. Burke (Mark Rolston) used to lobotomize the kids by sliding spikes through their eyes and into their brain.  Guess what!  Burke is back.  Back in 1935, the teen patients rebelled and murdered the doctor...but he did not stay dead.

Now Burke hunts these six freshmen one by one. He traps them in an abandoned wing of the asylum and reveals their greatest fears to them.  Out of those fears, Burke kills them in grisly fashion. The great looking freshman, in many cases, won't stay great looking.  Their unaddressed fears become their greatest enemy as Burke exploits them. The methods of killing are quite gory, and we really do pull for these six, as they are all great looking.  Now each of the students must face their fears...and battle them.

Is this film a good metaphor for what the American university system has become and what it does to the young men and women of this country?  Is Burke correct in that most college kids should be lobotomized?  Will any of the hunks and babes survive until the end credits?  This is a gory one with no humor or wit.  If you like your horror horrific with no relief, see "Asylum," perhaps not the feel good film of 2008.    

Monday, March 4, 2024

Deinfluencer, A Cheerleader, Social Media, and a Psycho

A sultry cheerleader in full costume, bound and gagged.  She'll be strung up, chloroformed, and tortured. Today we have a film that may not get much love but will satisfy those who like their horror gratuitous.  In many instances it will be difficult to watch what is done to our cheerleader damsel.  You'll wince.  You'll turn away from the camera.  The beautiful will suffer a lot...all at the hands of a madman.  Bit wait!  Is our psycho really the bad guy?  Our feature today is 2022's "Deinfluencer," directed by Jamie Bailey.

As our film begins, Kelly the cheerleader (Marie Luciani-Grimaldi) wakes up tied to a chair in a huge warehouse.  A psycho (Simon Phillips) in a mask has kidnapped her.  Kelly is a social media influencer with half a million followers.  She posts pics of her in her cheerleader outfit doing arousing poses.  Kelly's world is as phony as social media.  Now this psycho forces her to pose for the camera and post those pics.  The catch is, the madman demands a certain amount of likes in an hour or he'll take off one of Kelly's body parts.  Alas, even a sultry cheerleader doesn't always hit her like goal. The madman tells Kelly he wants to "deinfluence" her.  Save her from her phony world of being an influencer.

Kelly is at the bad man's mercy.  Her tormentor is a man of his word and when Kelly fails at the goal he has set...well, he performs an operation.  So sad.  Now Kelly decides to say no to her abductor and accepts her be slaughtered.  The psycho is one step ahead of her.  He has abducted another babe, Jill (Anne-Carolyne Binette). Realizing she needs to hit the ambitious goals set by a psycho, Kelly gets more gratuitous and sexual in her poses...even bringing Jill in for some steamy kissing.  Alas, there is no beating the addiction to social media...and this is one of the points our psycho is driving home.  As more surgery occurs, Kelly is running out of body parts before her face will be the next donor.  Now she toughens up and plots escape. 

Will Kelly keep enough of herself to be able to mount an escape attempt?  Just who are these babes that are also captives and can they be trusted?  Is our psycho's goal a noble one?  Hard to watch at times, and preachy, but perhaps the preaching is something we can all take heart in.  Stay off your social media for a couple of hours and take in this moralistic and vicious horror film, "Deinfluencer." 


Saturday, March 2, 2024

St. Patrick's Day: The Sluagh Awakens, Folk Horror Irish Style

We have it!  A Saint Patrick's Day movie for the second half of the double feature with "The Quiet Man." Sure, the old John Wayne film had Maureen O'Hara...what a babe.  But our feature today has gratuitous nudity, blood soaked nude babes, virgin babes in much peril, and a lot of pints downed at pubs.  It'll be bloody, babes will suffer, demons will inflict carnage, and through it all...the Irish among us will celebrate with Guinness and Bailey's.  Today we look at 2022's "St. Patrick's Day:  The Sluagh Awakens," directed by Eddie Lengyel. 

Collin (Roger Connors) and his wife ignore the advice of Jack (Don Kilrain), an Irish barkeep, and take a night stroll into the woods under the Hell Moon...or Were-Moon...or something like that. Yep...a vicious demon attacks and rips apart Collin's beautiful wife.  Seven years later, an Irish festival occurs in this town.  Jack is happy, drunk, and drinking Guinness and smoking Irish weed.  His idiot nephew, Pierce (Tim Hale) comes to town with his sultry non-virgin GF, Tara (Quinn L' Esperance) and her sister, the virgin Liv (Morgan Paige).  The virgin has great cleavage and her sister hates her for it. Also coming to town is Collin.  Collin desires to seek out the demon that murdered his wife.  He'll bang an Irish whore and then arm up.

The demons converge on the town.  Uh oh!  They want a virgin.  The head demon has a cast of hundreds fighting for her. Brutality will take place as the demons kill most of the town and convert them into junior demons.  Heather (Jenny Boswell), a babe waitress...also a virgin...will join Jack and Collin in fighting the demon scourge.  The demons have the upper hand as they have entranced the virgin Liv and seek to sacrifice her under the weird moon.  Now more carnage, nudity, and gore will be thrown at us.  Many of the beautiful will die horribly, but our team will do their best to preserve Liv's virginity and rid the woods of this Irish demon.

Will Liv's virginity be preserved?  Could this have all been prevented if Jack or Pierce...or Collin, de-virginized her midway through the film?  Will Tara and Liv engage in a catfight as Tara continues her jealous tirades when the demons don't want to sacrifice her?  To understand Ireland and the Irish people, you must see "St. Patrick's Day:  The Sluagh Awakens."  Sit down with a few pints and some corned beef and enjoy a bloody horror film with a lot of nudity.