Thursday, March 30, 2023

Star Pilot, UFO in Italy

Leonora Ruffo will forever be known as one of the sultriest space-babes ever put on film.  Her cleavage enhancing space-babe suit was obviously meant to seduce every man on Earth and leave Earth girls wanting.  Fortunately, our film today introduces Leontine Snell...a perky actress who can give any cleavage thrusting space-babe a run for their money.  The two babes will eventually don fishnet jumpsuits and also kinky feather outfits...but in galaxy conquest, the stakes are too high for pantsuits.  Today we look at a 1966 Italian film, "Star Pilot," directed by Pietro Francisci.

Initially we meet the boring geologist Professor Solmi (Roland Lesaffre).  He has been called in to evaluate an alien metal found in Sardinia.  Fortunately he brings his babe daughter, Luisa (Snell). She's all flirt and has no interest in anything but men and fast cars.  They go to the site and eventually find a UFO buried under the ground.  Uh oh...the ship crashed there two years ago and the alien crew needs to repair it to get back home.  The craft is captained by Kaena (Ruffo), who wears the most flattering costumes...leather, mesh, fishnets, and feathers help make up her wardrobe.  Now the Professor, Luisa, and their engineers are abducted onto the ship and ordered to fix it.  They do...and Luisa succeeds in arousing the formerly non-arousable alien men.

Also kidnapped are two Chinese spies.  They misbehave and succeed in throwing the ship off course.  Now Kaena and her spaceship are lost in space.  Luisa continues to seduce and will swap spit with the aliens.  Kaena manages to land on a planet with an atmosphere, but the new found kissing activity and the new costume on Kaena's costume...arouse gorilla-people.  They attack and Kaena fights them off.  Now back into space where a horrific discovery sheds doubt on their ability to ever get back to their home planets.  More kissing and groping will will a nice space-walk...and Kaena will indeed find her pheromone stash.

Will Luisa and Kaena ever exchange seduction techniques...or will they engage in a space-catfight?  What horrific discovery did they make in deep space?  Does Kaena's home planet, or Italy, have rules and regulations about inter species love?  This is a fun one.  The space-babe factor is high and the dubbed Italian classic will provide more fun than any "Star Wars" bore.  See "Star Pilot" today.

Tuesday, March 28, 2023

Ouija Nazi, Nazi Hatchet Man Guts Sorority Babes

Sorority babes gutted by a ghost Nazi with a machete?!  Oh, yes!  Is there any more of a perfect plot than this?  Pure poetry!  The sorority babes...often skimpy clad costumes...spanking each other and getting into catfights...slaughtered by a National Socialist fiend.  Why, oh why are we all smiling!?  As National Socialism has arisen again in The Ukraine and their Azov Battalion...American sorority sisters will fall victim to a more domestic threat.  Today we look at 2014's "Ouija Dawn" (aka "Nazi Dawn") directed by Dennis Devine.

There is a lot here...we'll not have time to touch on much of it. The sultry Dawn (Kristen Casner), who eventually will be clad in a black Nazi dominatrix outfit, is a sorority pledge.  Sorority president, the sultry Eve (Lora McHugh), leads Dawn around on a leash...literally. Eve orders Dawn to bark, beg, and sit.  She even spanks Eve. Okay...also of note is the weird but sultry witch sorority babe Agness (Veronica Ricci), sultry sorority lesbians Fiona (Jennifer Van Heeckeren) and Alex (Laura Azevedo), and redheaded Alyson (Kelly Erin Decker), and Dee (Ashley Rose).  They'll don bikinis and then tight evening wear. Then a hidden chest is uncovered and opened.  This releases the evil Nazi spirit of hatchet SS guy Van Holly, Dawn's great grand father.

Now the spirit of Van Holly possesses poor souls and begins gutting, beheading, and sacrificing sultry sorority babes.  Eve continues to spank Dawn, and catfights occur between the sultry sisters.  There will be gratuitous shower scenes... gratuitous implant scenes...gratuitous gore...and a lot of bondage and BDSM misdeeds.  It is a sorority, after all.  Uh oh for Eve...the sultry Dawn will change her tune about joining the sorority and stop acting as a scared poodle. 

Can any person or group be so sordid as to make us cheer for the SS machete henchman of the Third Reich? Is bondage, BDSM, and a dominatrix in Nazi garb too tasteless for American audiences? Yeah...right...remember, the American public flock to DC and Marvel garbage...this movie is at least a step up intellectually. Will Dawn turn the tables on Eve, and if so, will Eve keep her pretty little head? repulsed that this film was even made...then when no one is around...tune into "Ouija Dawn."   

Sunday, March 26, 2023

The House Behind the Wall, Babes and Hunks Haunted in Virginia

There is beauty in the swamp if you look in the right places. This 2014 ghost/horror film will find little love from critics.  It is fair to point out that the entire "Star Wars" franchise is based on some ethereal force that can do anything you want at any time. Critics seem to love that idiocy. Me? Give me a classic ghost story any day of the week! Today we look at a film shot entirely in Hampton Roads, Virginia..."The House Behind the Wall," directed by Robert Stephens.

This film can boast of a great looking cast and this is not debatable. Five college friends move into an old and large house for their senior year.  Jess (Elyse Dufour), a sultry redhead has had an awful year and funds are short.  Liz (Spike Leffke) is a blonde babe who takes mercy on Jess and fronts her the rent. Liz's hunk BF is Trip (John Lesser).  Rounding out the quintet is the bitchy Catherine (Erin O'Sullivan) and her BF Will (Josh Plasse).  There will be a lot of pre-marital sex.  Gratuitous bikini scenes.  "Will you rub suntan lotion all over my back" type scenes.  There will also be a lot of cheating.  Jess and Will will even get together.  Oh yeah...the haunting.  Footsteps...doors opening on their own...mysterious noises in the bottles shattering...and a ghost.

The ghost of a weird gal shows herself to Jess.  No one believes her...would you?  Well, Jess is a babe...I suppose if you wanted to get in her pants you might say you believed her. Back to the film...Jess does some research and finds out who the ghost is.  Worse...she also finds out her and her four friends may be in mortal peril. Possession enters into the plot.  More bikini scenes...more pre-marital sex scenes.  Then... carnage!  Bloody carnage!  Then more bikini scenes. Good for Robert Stephens to show us some nice bikini wear as the summer approaches.

Just what is Jess' connection to the malevolent spirit that haunts this house?  Will each of the members of this quintet die horribly as each of them has engaged in pre-marital sex?  Would these young people have had to worry about ghosts and cheating friends if they were engineering majors living in a graduate dorm with classmates that don't speak English well?  For some nice cheese and beef and an eventually bloody plot...see "The House Behind the Wall."

Friday, March 24, 2023

Damon's Revenge, More Indian Carnage and Hunks and Babes Dying Horribly

Yep!  We have all screamed for it.  The movie makers listened! Lo' and behold...we finally have a sequel, after less than a year, to "Burial Ground Massacre." And yes!  We have that, too.  The lovely Chelsea Vale will have another gratuitous and nude shower scene.  Now here is the even better news.  She will be joined in the shower with the lovely and nude Hannah Dannelly!  Is this crucial to the plot?  Well...more crucial than the big hairy chewy thing is to the plots of the "Star Wars" don't judge!  Today we look at 2022's Damon's Revenge," directed by David Gere. 

This one picks up immediately after "Burial Ground Massacre" ends. Adrianna (Vale) is set on revenge against the corrupt Indian chief (Christopher C. Romero). She ticks him off and the Chief now sets out to murder Adrianna.  Uh oh...the same chief betrayed Damon...and Damon (Michael Madsen) is bent on murdering the chief.  Then there is Sheriff Walsh (Tom Sizemore...yes, the TOM SIZEMORE). He's investigating the homicides of all the babes and hunks at the old burial ground. Enough on him. Enter Tina (Dannelly).  She is all babe...and all for exploring deviant sexuality.  Eventually she will end up in a shower with Adrianna...but let's move on.  Tina's family owns a lake house near the old burial ground, and Adrianna accepts an invite to spend the weekend there.

Party time. Tina's babe and hunk friends also show up...they will all die horribly...enough about them. Tina has a jacuzzi and there will be shirtless hunks and bikini clad babes frequenting it...and dying in it. The Chief and his henchmen are headed that is Damon...and so is town psycho, Johnny (Tom DeNucci). Johnny? Never mind him...did I mention the shower scene with Adrianna and Tina? Two young women exploring their sexuality...while madmen, ghosts, and irate Indians converge.  Now, there's a fetish for you!  More of the plot?  Oh, please!  The beautiful will die horribly!  The handsome will die horribly? The socially aggrieved peoples will die horribly?  But what will be the fates of Tina and Adrianna?

Will a third being be introduced into the aforementioned shower scene?  Will Damon get to the Chief before the Chief gets to Adrianna?  Will Tina's sexual exploration be a plot device in the third "Burial Ground Massacre" story?  Gratuitous and violent...probably not the feel good film for the native peoples of our land, "Damon's Revenge" is a must see for those who love cheesy horror films.  

Wednesday, March 22, 2023

Burial Ground Massacre, Babes and Hunks Felled by Tomahawk

I know...this one will be hard to defend.  Today's feature will be savaged and scalped by the dweeb class who actually watch the films highlighted at the Oscars.  Still...if you want naked nubile babes in much peril, a tomahawk killer, hunks doing stupid things...and the supernatural...well, you may want to take a look at 2021's "Burial Ground Massacre," directed by Daniel Dahlstrom and David Gere. However proud our native peoples were, or are, they are not above gratuitous nudity, especially in shower and bath scenes.  So postpone your trip to the casino and enjoy this film.

Adrianna (Chelsea Vale), a major league babe and a half...will spend the weekend with college friends at her friend Chase's (Blaise Serra) estate.  The estate owned by Chase's family is built on an Indian burial ground. We also meet Damon (Michael Madsen), a psycho Indian with a tomahawk. He has just murdered some poor but deserving schmuck and two naked teens in the throes of pre-marital sex.  He also has naked babes chained in bondage in his dungeon, but we shouldn't be judgmental.  Damon heads to the estate to recover a stolen Indian artifact.  Also at the estate are two babes who have "WILL DIE HORRIBLY IN THIS MOVIE" stenciled on their foreheads...Kayla (Brittany Toczko) and Becky (Kara Curnane Joseph).  Oh yes, Adrianna's hunk ex-BF is also there, football player Eddie (Travis Gordon)...he's very buff and shirtless a lot.

Chase is a dweeb and a magician.  He'll get to see Becky naked in the bathtub but Eddie will get to see Adrianna naked and wet in the shower.  Is this fair?  Is it fair what the white man did to the Indians!? I'm not sure the answers to these questions...or if they're even related.  Damon shows up with his tomahawk and begins murdering the teens on the way to recover the ring-artifact...which mysteriously appears on Adrianna's finger.  Uh oh...seems the red man isn't any purer than the white man.  Damon is betrayed by his Chief.  Nakedness, baths, showers, babes in bondage, and tomahawk carnage ensue.  Get it? No? Hey, the cheese and beef factor will take care of any confusion.  Did I mention the gratuitous shower and bath scenes?

Will Damon recover the ring stolen from his people many moons ago?  Just who are these naked and sweaty babes chained in Damon's dungeon? Who among us does not have naked and sweaty babes in our own dungeons?  Will Adrianna survive Damon or do his people have special plans for her?  Gratuitous and cheesy...just the way we like our movies... "Burial Ground Massacre" is a neat slasher film that will not stoke your appetite for social justice.           

Monday, March 20, 2023

Freeze, Arctic Horror

Before space exploration was a thing, polar exploration captured all our imaginations.  The two poles may have well have been distant planets.  From 1890-1910, us humans were done wondering...serious efforts got us to the poles.  Cold and lifeless...perfect settings for horror stories.  H.P. Lovecraft even penned a frightening Antarctic story.  Today we have a H.P. Lovecraft type of story in the 2022 film "Freeze," directed and written by Charlie Steeds.

A rescue mission heads north.  Captain Streiner (Tim Cartwright) and his crew went up north to find the Pole...but never returned.  Captain Mortimer (Ricardo Freitas) sails up there to rescue his old friend.  Uh oh...Mortimer's ship gets stuck in the ice.  We meet the crew. Of note is Barnabas (Johnny Vivash), the only one who is familiar with Arctic exploration.  Also of note is Redgrave (Jake Watkins).  Redgrave is chronicling the mission in drawings.  He's also hiding a babe stowaway, Carmen (Beatrice Barrila)...a babe.  Soon after the ship is trapped in the ice, the creatures attack.  They are a cross between gargoyles and the gill man from "Creature From the Black Lagoon."  They are mean and hungry and begin chomping on the crew.  An "Abandon Ship" order is given and only a few survivors make it onto the ice.

But wait!  Mortimer knows a lot he is not telling.  He has an ancient book (think Necronomicon) which Streiner left behind.  The book, filled with maps and drawings of the monsters, leads the survivors to a cave.  Uh oh, again. The cave is filled with these fiends, which are called Ichthyoids!  What a great name for monsters.  The monsters feed on the survivors.  The babe Carmen mans up and gets a really big gun.  Wouldn't you know...Streiner is now master of the Ichthyoids.  Guess what.  Streiner wants Mortimer's ship to bring the fiends to Europe and to take over the world.  Gore and madness follow.  Now Mortimer gets the sense that all must die so the creatures never make it to civilization.  Carmen continues to use her big gun.  War and more gore ensue.

Have the Ichthyoids ever seen a European babe?  Does Streiner have plans for Carmen's arrival given that his creatures may be a little frisky?  Will Mortimer succeed in preventing Streiner and his monster army from reaching Europe?  A very cold film with more than a tip of the hat to H.P. Lovecraft.  For some neat Arctic terror...see "Freeze."      

Saturday, March 18, 2023

Highwaymen, Demolition Derby Horror and Rhona Mitra

At the risk of being yelled at, I need to say that Rhona Mitra may be done.  With her portrayal of Sonja in the third "Underworld" film, as Rachel in "Skinwalkers," and as Eden in "Doomsday," her movie career was flourishing in the first several years of the 21st century. I do eagerly await for her to make another film we all want to see...TV fare is, as far as I'm concerned...minor league.  Ms. Mitra is one of my favorite actresses, and like Kate Beckinsale, the last ten years of this 21st century has progressed without them.  Today we look at a fine Rhona Mitra horror thriller, 2004's "Highwaymen," directed by Robert Harmon.

Five years ago, Cray (James Caviezel) witnesses a madman named Fargo (Colm Feore) mow his wife down with his car.  Hit and run.  Five years later, Cray is looking for this psycho who now drives a Cadillac El Dorado.  Fargo mows down beautiful women he finds on the road and takes a souvenir  from their corpse.  Wanting revenge for the murder of his wife, Cray has chased him cross country and is bent on killing him.  Listening to police radios and CBs, Cray does a pretty good job at tracking this creep. Fargo?  Fargo has several prosthetics including one of his arms and both legs.  This guy has fitted his body into his El Dorado which acts as his body.  One night he mows down Alex' (Andrea Roth) in a tunnel.  Molly (Mitra) is a passenger in Alex' vehicle and survives.  Molly's big problem is that Fargo does not like to leave witnesses.

Cray shows up with his 1968 Plymouth Barracuda and lets Molly know the murderer in the El Dorado will come back for her.  He does. Now Molly and Cray join forces.  We are let in on Cray's backstory and the real reason why the two are bound together in this duel of death.  However disabled Fargo is, his El Dorado and him abduct Molly and use her as bait to lure Cray.  Fargo intends to murder Cray and then Molly.  You'll see what happens.  The murders on the roads are graphic, well shot, and fiery.  After Molly's friends are murdered, she is almost forced to join Cray in his obsession with killing Fargo.

Does Cray have any prayer of finally ending Fargo's reign of terror? Will Cray become a little less obsessed with Fargo and find time to have pre-marital sex with Molly?  Would 2023 Hollywood screw up a remake because of their whack-ball environmentalism by insisting the two cars be a Prius and a Chevy Volt?   Rhona Mitra is sultry as a damsel in much distress.  Both James Caviezel and Colm Feore are terrific as two gritty homicidal motorists.  For a great highway cat and mouse horror flick, see "Highwaymen."  


Thursday, March 16, 2023

Blacktop, Cowgirls Turned Into Meat Loaf

"Paradise By the Dashboard Lights" may be the most important song a teenager could ever listen to.  The Meat Loaf hit details the dangers of pre-marital sex to impressionable youths...with help from Phil Rizzuto. Once teens become college aged or in their 20s, appropriate guidance is still needed.  So you nubile lasses out there, wasting your time at truck stop dives or country western bars...Meat Loaf has some more guidance for you.  Don't talk to weird guys!  Today's feature is 2000's "Blacktop," directed by T.J. Scott.

David (Lochlyn Munro) is a comedian who entertains at truck stop bars.  He's a hit.  His girlfriend, Sylvia (Kristin Davis) accompanies him but she's had enough.  She wants to settle down, get married, and have a family.  David wants to tell jokes.  Uh oh...cowgirl Charlie (Victoria Pratt) comes on to him...and serial killer truck driver Jack (Meat Loaf) comes on to Sylvia.  An argument ensues and Sylvia runs out on Jack.  Hovering in his truck, nearby, is serial killer Jack who is all too happy to give Sylvia a ride.  Jack seems did Ted Bundy.  Now David realizes what he is losing...and also puts two and two together and realizes Jack is a serial killer of beautiful truck stop beauties. 

Now the chase is on.  Jack seems all too willing to leave clues on the road so David can follow.  When Jack runs David off the road, Charlie just so happens to come by.  Now Charlie is helping him.  So sad...sultry Charlie's fate will be heartbreaking.  Now Sylvia is made to understand Jack is a serial killer.  Bodies hanging in a meat locker in the back of the truck is one clue.  Now Jack begins playing a game with David and Sylvia.  He's manipulative and depraved.  In Jack's world, David does not deserve Sylvia.  He intends to make the comedian earn Sylvia back...but does he really intend to let Sylvia live?

Will Jack learn to take anything serious and put together a credible offense against the serial killer truck driver?  If Charlie the cowgirl had lived, would David have tried this hard to reclaim Sylvia?  Does Sylvia have a prayer at surviving given her potential hero is a comedian in truck stops?  This is a good serial killer flick and it is terrific seeing Meat Loaf as the psycho.  For some good cat and mouse horror, see "Blacktop."  

Tuesday, March 14, 2023

Sewer Gators, The Redneck Jaws

A long time ago I lived in Louisiana.  I remember only one thing about Thibodaux.  Yep...a billboard by the highway advertising Pizza Hut.  The billboard showed spaghetti and meatballs and a lot of folks claimed to have seen an image of Jesus in it.  Really.  Don't laugh.  This was a lot more plausible than the idiocy at Asbury University in Kentucky masquerading as a "revival."  The spaghetti on the billboard actually looked appetizing.  The idiotic coeds trying to sing without ever having developed a third chord at the sanctuary at Asbury is not appetizing in any way.  Today we look at 2022's "Sewer Gators," a film made by Paul Dale.

In Thibodaux, Louisiana, redneck Frank gets his a** eaten of while doing the #2 on his toilet.  We then meet Sheriff Mitchell (Kenny Bellau)...think Brody.  He always has a Miller Lite in his hand which he refers to as Thibodaux Coffee.  He wants to close down the upcoming Gator Fest.  Uh oh...Mayor Bobby (Sean Phelan)...think Mayor Vaughn...insists it remain open.  Help arrives in the form of a scientist from the Louisiana Ecological Wetlands Department (LEWD) in the form of the sultry Laura (Manon Pages)...think Hooper. She tells the sheriff and mayor they have a gator problem.  The gators keep coming through drains, washing machines, toilets, kitchen sinks, etc. and eat townspeople.  Again, more plausible than the hocus pocus occurring at Asbury.

The townsfolk want the gators killed before the festival.  Shane (Austin Naulty)...think Quint...arrives but wants way more money to kill the gators than the town has budgeted.  I should mention Gladyis (Sophia Brazda).  She'll be your favorite character in this whole film.  She'll have to fend off dozens of baby alligators trying to eat her inside her own kitchen.  She's a babe and ready for carnage.  Laura and Mitchell work on Shane and get him to agree to hunt the fiends.  Equipped with dynamite, beer, and chewing tobacco, our trio is ready for the hunt. 

Will Mitchell, Laura the LEWD woman, and Shane kill all the alligators in the Thibodaux sewers?  Will Gladyis be able to avoid having her face eaten off?  It is such a nice face.  Can the monotone coeds and dweebs of Asbury University just move on from their current folly and maybe take up gator hunting? Go gators!  This movie is maybe the hardest hitting social commentary ever put onto the silver screen. Grab a Miller Lite, chew some tobacco, throw some dynamite into a pond...and enjoy "Sewer Gators."    

Sunday, March 12, 2023

Shark Waters, Great Whites vs. Humans

Oh yes!  You know we have to do this film on this blog.  The Asylum makes a shark we're there. The Asylum used to make movies for they do it for TubiTV. So you go "To Kill a Mockingbird," or "The King's Speech," excuse me while I yawn.  We're going to opt for The Asylum's shark film. Thank goodness for these us movies we want to watch instead of the ones the elites in academia and media tell us to watch.  Today we look at 2022's "Shark Waters," directed by Jadon Cal.

First...we meet a great looking couple jet skiing...they get eaten by great whites.  Bummer.  Then we meet bikini babe, Lucia (Meghan Carrasquillo).  We like her...she is after all...wearing a bikini. Her dad (Jim Fitzpatrick) gives her a gift.  Dad has paid for her to go on a chartered vessel to go fishing.  She'll arrive and meet the burly captain, Banning (Mike Rae Anderson) and his burly first mate, Shatto (Jonathan Shores).  We like them, too.  Two other passengers on the charter are sultry bikini babe, Donna (Tara Phillips) and her fiancĂ©, Wyatt (Brandon Laabs).  We like them because they look great in swimsuits...however, these two are sixth and seventh in the credits which mean they will get eaten early on...and they do.

Okay, as the party begins catching fish a dozen great white sharks attack the charter.  Wyatt and Donna don't last long, sadly...though no one else seems to mind their gruesome demises.  Now the sharks keep ramming the boat and disable it at sea. Now Lucia, Shatto, and Banning are looks as if the sharks will sink the boat.  The trio come up with some pretty bad ideas.  If Lucia did not look so good in a bikini, we'd be pulling for the fish.  The boat begins sinking and the trio enact some of the worst ideas in film history.  Before you criticize them, remember, they probably get their smarts from watching the news and the commentators on TV.  Or maybe they watch C-SPAN.  Either way, help is on the way.  The help?  Not the most with-it peeps in the fact, very low energy.

Will anyone on this boat survive the attacking great whites? Will the fact that Lucia looks great in a bikini put a spark in her rescuers efforts to get to the sinking boat? Would this film be a blockbuster if Donna survived and engaged in gratuitous catfights with Lucia?  If you want to impress the elites, who will never like you, go ahead and watch "The English Patient."  However, if you want bikini babes and great white sharks...see "Shark Waters," a made for TubiTV spectacular.  

Friday, March 10, 2023

The Hike, Bloodied Babes in the Woods

A gritty feminist anthem?  Or, perhaps, misogynistic exploitation?  Or, and I dare say...are those choices really the same thing?  They're sultry babes and soon they will be sweaty, bloodied, strung up, humiliated, raped, tortured, and hunted.  Right out of a plot line for one of those "I Spit on Your Grave" films, and at the same time a metaphor for western civilization's treatment of females. Hard to watch and gory, today we will look at 2011's "The Hike," directed by Rupert Bryan.  This film is from the U.K.

Five hot babes, the wealthy Charlie (Jemma Bolt), army vet Kate (Zara Phythian), all of our favorite Ellie (Lisa-Marie Long), Leanna (Stephanie Sladatan), and super model Torri (Barbara Nedeljakova) head into the woods for an all-girl weekend.  Oh, by the way...the woods? our film begins we see a lot of beautiful babes hunted down, strung up, and...well you'll see, in those woods. The ladies all look good in their shorts and soon come!!!  Eek!  All men are evil, so is the mantra of this film.  Okay, perhaps the movie makers got that right.  All Hell breaks loose from that point on.  The aforementioned carnage engulfs our cast and soon, the lovelies are bloodied, broken, violated, and humiliated.

Hard to watch at this point...but it will get harder, yet.  Halfway through the film we are seeing a hybrid of three films; "I Spit on Your Grave," "Mother's Day" (the 1980 one), and "Mystic Pizza."  Throw out the "Mystic Pizza" elements of this film and we have a gritty horror/thriller.  We like the women in this film, mostly because they are attractive.  Now we see them with a bit of fight in them.  The men will then also go through some beatings and carnage.  Axes, traps, knives, and attitude will whittle down the cast quickly.  Oh yes...eventually the film will come to the ending.  The ending?  Talk about uncomfortable metaphors...wait until you see the end of this one.  Though we hope all our lovely ladies survive, we know that won't happen...but will any of them escape the horror in the woods?

This is a fast paced film with a lot of social commentary.  Whether the metaphor will be noticed by the peeps who view "The Hike" is a big question.  From a purely carnal mindset, sweaty babes in  much peril at the hands of psychos is the only plot line that will be important.  Perhaps this film will serve as a warning to the fairer sex that what stands in their way to empowerment is something a lot more dangerous than some idiot bloke who grunts a lot.  See "The Hike," and I recommend you watch it with a carnal mindset.     

Wednesday, March 8, 2023

Camp 139, Hunks and Babes Gutted

 As 2023 is underway, it is now apparent the conspiracy theorists of the past...were right!  Now the government throws out the term "conspiracy theorist" to discredit what they can't defend.  Little does our government know...most of us now believe the conspiracy theorists.  These peeps were right about COVID (and the "medicine" used to treat it), the military industrial complex, Kennedy's assassination, the Biden family, the Clintons, and the corrupt country of Ukraine!  Okay, they're still wrong about the moon landing, I admit.  When a bunch of great looking college kids wander into the wilderness for drugs, alcohol, and pre-marital sex...a shut down U.S. Army laboratory becomes their undoing and gives us 2013's "Camp 139," directed by Matthew J. Adams and Benjamin James.

The first half of this film is carried by sultry babes Haley (Victoria Paege) and Stacy (Sarah Ludington) and their hunks, Brandon (J. Lyle) and Mike (Frank Prell).  The quartet go into the wilderness for a bacchanal good time featuring marijuana, pre-marital sex, and alcoholic beverages.  The gals are scantily clad and the two guys are very hormone driven.  The pheromones will be exploding into the atmosphere. There will be some gratuitous bikini action and passionate pre-marital sex in a tent.  Then the gals go off to swim in the river and it all begins.  Oh yeah...the land they're camping on is the site of a closed down military laboratory where ex-Nazi scientists were helping U.S. Army scientists create a super-soldier.  That always goes well, as we have repeatedly found out.

Now Haley is abducted.  Poor Haley...her fate is quite gory, I'm afraid.  Now her three friends will attempt to find her.  They'll follow her blood to the abandoned facility, which of course is not totally abandoned.  What else is going on?  Yes...there is other'll see.  Twists will manifest and experience horror film fans will see them coming a mile away.  Still, the great looking cast will make you want to watch further.  Gore and depravity will replace nudity and pre-marital sex as plot devices...this is, of course, is all good.  

What exactly is going on at this old army laboratory?  Are our four protagonists destined to become "super soldiers"?  Would our hunks and babes have fared better if they refrained from pre-marital sex? The beef and cheese factor are off the charts and eventually the gore level will be, too.  For a neat camping in the woods horror film...see "Camp 139."

Monday, March 6, 2023

Something Weird, ESP, a Witch, and a Serial Killer

ESP!  The sixth sense.  The ability to read people's minds.  The Soviets and the CIA experimented in it during the Cold War in order to gain advantages.  Both sets of idiots ended up only wasting time and money.  Unless you have a witch on your side, ESP is an unharnessed folly.  Hence our film today, 1967's "Something Weird," directed by Herschell Gordon Lewis. 

Mitch (Tony McCabe) is a kind sort.  When a construction worker is electrocuted, he runs over to save him.  He, himself, gets electrocuted and his face is horribly marred in the process.  Recovering in the hospital, the doctors discover Mitch now has ESP.  Now Mitch is reduced to a masked fortune-teller, telling babes when they will get married.  Then an ugly witch (Mudite Arums) enters his life with a proposition.  If he becomes her lover, she'll grant him his good looks back, plus fame and fortune.  He accepts when the witch manifests herself as the sultry Ellen (Elizabeth Lee).  Now Mitch and Ellen are quite an item.  Oh yes, a serial killer is murdering beautiful women in Wisconsin.  After the seventh babe is horribly killed, the cops call in Mitch to help solve the case.

The boys in Washington have heard about Mitch and want to co-opt him for their efforts.  They send in their guy, a handsome G-Man named Jordan (William Brooker). Jordan will fall in love with Ellen, not knowing she is actually an ugly hag...okay, stop it, you divorced men...that's not funny!  Uh oh...Mitch is getting signals on who the murderer is...a lot of them.  Now Jordan has a little experiment he'd like to try...he gives Mitch some LSD...yeah, like that'll work out well.  As Jordan gets more and more enchanted with Ellen, Mitch's psychic visions grow more grotesque...and the killer gets bolder.

Ah, ESP!  This was quite the fad in the 60s and 70s.  Today, the sixth sense has been reduced to a parlor game any idiot can master,  The CIA has moved on to balloons and alien spaceships...and we're all closer to World War 3 than when we were focused on ESP.  Maybe the CIA should go back to ESP...even though they probably don't want to know what we all think of them.  For a weird minor classic, see "Something Weird," and then pick a number between one and ten.  Seven!  See...I'm getting good at this.

Saturday, March 4, 2023

5th Passenger, Monster vs. Spaceship Survivors

It is a shame today's film will not get a lot of love.  An "Alien" ripoff?  Perhaps.  Still, I see a lot of Roger Corman in this one instead of James Cameron.  You'll see a lot of folks dissing this one, but the creature f/x are good, the gore is okay, the space and spaceship f/x are terrific...and the creepiness factor will be off the charts.  In a moment I will describe some of the plot...some of it.  Be warned...this is one of those films that there is a lot more going on than just what we can recap in a review.  Today's movie, 2017's "5th Passenger," directed by Scotty Baker.

Eva (Morgan Lariah) is a navigator on a humongous spaceship.  Her captain, Franklin (Tim Russ), is a grouch.  When she leaves the bridge a massive asteroid storm hits and shreds the ship.  Anyone who can flees to escape pods.  Eva makes it to the pod, and also arriving at the same pod is Franklin, a rude guy named Li (David Lim), a chicken farmer, don't ask, Thompson (Manu Intiraymi), and a doctor named Myers (Armin Shimerman).  Oh yes...big secret...Eva is pregnant by the chicken farmer.  Uh oh...this particular escape pod is blown off course when the mothership they are lost in space with only a couple of weeks of oxygen.  Then the horror begins.

Desperately needing oxygen, the crew finds a derelict escape pod.  Eva and Thompson board it hoping to scavenge food and air.  Something aboard the derelict murdered the crew and whatever it was, sneaks aboard the pod when Eva and Thompson return.  Now the creature begins murdering.  The thing is a toothy fiend that crawls in air vents and pops up in the strangest places.  What is it?  Well, Franklin is hiding something.  Apparently, the spaceship destroyed by asteroids was a biological weapons ship and animal DNA was being spliced with alien DNA.  But wait!  Is that what is really going on here?  As horrific as all this sounds...the film will get even more'll see. No spoilers here, but Roger Corman would be proud.

Will any of the five castaways survive the creature and be rescued from deep space?  What is a chicken farmer doing on board a biological weapons space cruiser?  Is Eva's pregnancy going to play a part in the horrific conclusion of this space epic?  This one is gritty and will present some frightening twists.  For a very underrated and underappreciated scifi/horror film, see "5th Passenger."    

Thursday, March 2, 2023

Killers Within, Regular Folks vs. The Illuminati

We don't have a chance.  Nope...working peeps will always be stomped on by the richest of the richest...The Illuminati.  The Klaus Schwabs of the world are above the law.  They have all our elected officials on the take.  They control the media.  They control Hollywood. They even have the pope and King Charles in their back pocket.  The likes of Klaus Schwab, George Soros, Jeff Bezos, The Clinton crime family...and even the mentally challenged Bush family laugh at our plight.  How could they be so inhuman?  Let us look at a neat film from Ireland, 2018's "Killers Within," directed by Paul Bushe and Brian O'Neill.

Working class folk have it tough.  Single mom, and cop, Amanda (Sue Walsh) is quite the babe.  While playing with her small son in the park, Russian gangsters attack her, pummel her, and make off with her son.  Amanda's ex was also a cop, Rick (Jeff Doyle).  He was fired for stealing from the evidence room.  Seems a group of Russian gangsters he put away just got out of prison and blame him for the loss of a fortune.  Now the thugs want 600,000 Euros for the son's return.  With great tension, Amanda and Rick work together...and Rick has a foolproof plan to get their son back.  He enlists his stupid friends.  The plan?  Do a home invasion of a rich bank executive, hold his family hostage at gunpoint, and make the exec, Philip (Andrew Murray), go back to the bank and withdraw 6 million Euros!  Yeah...this will work.

The plan starts off well...our regular folks secure the home.  Also home is Philip's wife Sarah (Sinead O'Riordan), hot teen daughter Claire (Saoirse Long), and small son.  Rick will drive to the bank with Philip.  Uh oh!  Is someone else in the house?  This would seem so as one of the gang members has his throat ripped out.  Uh oh again, the small boy is missing and Claire turns seductress.  What is going on?  Well, not all is as it seems.  The little folk in society can never catch a break, it seems.  The Illuminati class seem here to perpetually toy with the proletariat.  Bloody carnage ensues and guns aren't helping.  No spoilers'll see what is going on...and the social metaphor is dead on.

What else is in the house with the gang that can't shoot straight?  What secrets is the banker's family hiding?  Are there vampires in the house or is it something more pertinent to the social injustices that rule western Europe?  This is a bloody one and very satisfying.  So, submit to the authority, obey your elected officials, and don't complain...and you will be able to enjoy "Killers Within."