Sunday, March 31, 2019

The Scarehouse, Sorority Girls Shredded

There might not be any more of a satisfying victim in slasher films than sorority girls. I wonder if gals in sororities understand how universally hated they are. Yeah, yeah, yeah...they have food drives for the hungry. Big deal, who doesn't engage in charitable endeavors? They are also full of themselves, place a unhealthy definition on 'family,' strive to be arrogant and obnoxious, and waste loads of school activity dollars on themselves. Hence a film that should get us all cheering, 2014's "The Scarehouse."
Two years ago Corey (Sarah Booth) and Elaina (Kimberly-Sue Murray) pledge at an exclusive sorority. After a hazing consisting of lots of alcoholic beverages, they are told to pull off a prank on the hunk/jock Brandon (Brad Everett). What happens next will be filled in throughout the duration of the film but Brandon dies, and our two pledges will be framed by the sorority and sent to prison for two years. Two years later, the sultry ex-cons want, vengeance. The two set up a haunted house for Halloween and invite the aforementioned sorority sisters. Emily (Dani Barker) is the first to arrive. At this point we are expecting a fun kill all the arrogant sorority sisters film. Uh oh...Corey and Elaina turn this film into an ominous torture porn piece.
What they do to Emily is humiliating, gory, and ominous (there's that word again). One by one the other gals arrive. The ones that don't die right away are the unlucky ones. Corey and Elaina have thought about this for two years and the pretty sisters will be marred, taken apart, humiliated, have their you-know-whats' ripped off,'ll see. Have you ever seen an acid pillow fight? You will when you watch this film. Not every pretty sister is a helpless slut and Corey and Elaina will have to fight to survive as well as inflict carnage.
Will Elaina and Corey complete their horrific plan and wipe out the entire sorority? Will any of these beauties turn the tables on our devilish duo? Given the victims are all sorority sisters, should any of them survive? When this film turns into a torture porn extravaganza we begin sympathizing with the arrogant ladies...but not for too long. Directed by Gavin Michael Booth, "The Scarehouse" is dark and intense horror film that is not for the weak of stomach. 

Friday, March 29, 2019

Clawed, The Ooze-Man Cometh

Two great actresses...Tiffany Shepis and Felissa Rose! One great scene! Picture was such a beautiful thing...two beautiful babes Sandra (Rose) and Donna (Shepis) in a car with Donna's wimp husband. Donna is yelling at both of them, but she has good reason. Donna's husband impregnated her best bud, Sandra...and now the three of them are going on a week-end excursion together. Donna continues yelling and then the car has a blow-out. Stopped on the side of the road the three fall victim to the Ooze-man. The fiend will rip all of them to pieces in gory fashion. Sadly, this trio only appears in the film for a few short minutes leaving us with gratuitous gore and cheesecake from lesser known thespians. Hence 2017's "Clawed."
Jim (Wade Sullivan), a grouchy unappealing chap has terminal cancer. He'll head to Bear Claw Mountain where the streams are said to have healing waters. We have seen others head there and get mangled...or raped by the Ooze-man. The Ooze-man emanates from toxic waste and claws the skin off, or decapitates everyone he meets...or if it feels frisky enough, rapes the babes. Also headed to the mountain is a professor (Anthony Connell) and his six students (three dweebs and three sultry babes). As Jim drinks the toxic waste he appears to get well. Meanwhile the women in this film, all absolutely beautiful, will be hunted by Ooze-man.
Make sense? Oh if any of those idiotic Avengers films make any sense! At least here the cast is attractive. The camera spends a lot of time on Amber (Elizabeth Peffley) and it is easy to understand why...the director (Steve Taylor) is a guy. Nevertheless, her eventual demise will be sad! Don't worry, the clean cut babes...wait...there are none in this film...never mind. Oh, then there is Colleen Kelly as Dark Annie, the macabre pod-caster. No more about her as that would serve as a spoiler. Cheesy effects, gratuitous gore, and gratuitous shots of female cast members enhance this Grade C film.
Will any of the women survive the Ooze-man? Could a 90 minute film be made centering on that aforementioned scene when Tiffany Shepis desires to scratch out Felissa Rose's eyeballs? How about the mysterious Dark Annie, exactly what does she have in store for this plot other than a really pretty face? "Clawed" may lack in certain areas, but every actress in this film is more appealing and talented than Scarlett Johansson.

Wednesday, March 27, 2019

Paranormal Island, Cocktail with Ghosts

A ghost story featuring a lot of sexy bartenders. The good news, our favorite Scientologist, Tom Cruise, isn't in this film. Even better news...Lance Henriksen is! With a lot of gratuitous beefcake and cheesecake, the scares may seem underwhelming, but 2014's "Paranormal Island" is a fun little ghost story. With tons of booze, some skimpy bikini babes sucking face with hunks, and loud music, let us delve into this story.
There is an Illinois lake with an island in the middle. The island is said to be haunted by a ghostly caretaker. The backstory suggests a feud between bootleggers spurned the haunting. Modern day: over the years hundreds have drowned or gone missing around the lake island. The island is now a wild bar and the locals will tell you to go back ashore as soon as it closes. The nicely tanned, bikini babe Cori (Emily Wolf) should have moved faster as she is dragged off her aroused BF and into the drink by this ghost. Because of the haunting many bartenders quit and three new ones arrive; the very pretty Lori (Sarah Karges), the hunk Jerry (Ben Elliott), and hunk Mike (Randy Wayne). They will join bartender lifer, Ivy (Briana Evigan).
Carl (Henrikesen) the boat taxi captain warns our babes and hunks to get off the island at closing. Uh oh, Ivy's reason for being a career bartender is revealed and it is a sad one. Don't ask how but this team of bartenders and an unfortunate DJ get left on the island after closing. Enter ghosts! The haunting begins as simple, low-key scares. Then the very pretty Lori is dragged to the floor of the lake by the caretaker. Now the survivors are panicked. Not all will fare well, but Ivy's backstory may hold a key to surviving until sun-up and defeating the evil caretaker. As the caretaker endeavors to kill everyone else, the scared hunks and babes desperately try to plot an escape and avoid the malignant specter.
Exactly what did happen to Ivy to cause her to become a permanent fixture on this haunted island? Will Lance Henrikesen save the day and end up with one of the bikini clad bartenders? Will the souls of all the hunks and babes killed by the caretaker have anything to say about the ending to this film? Directed by Marty Murray, the strength of this film is the great looking cast, and the very skimpy bikinis worn by the actresses. For a gratuitous good time, enjoy the light-on-scares "Paranormal Island."

Monday, March 25, 2019

Dark Breed, Alien Parasites Come to Earth

Infected Astronauts...Infected Astronettes...Slimy Alien Fiends...Rocket Launchers...Mad Scientists...Sultry Military Women (they'll all die horribly)...and Jack Scalia as our square-jawed hero.  Who could ask for anything more? Doesn't matter, we'll get much more in 1996's "Dark Breed." This sci-fi/horror film will give us plenty of action and gore and we'll overlook its faults as plenty of elongated car chases and gunfights will cure all imperfections.
A space shuttle crew is infected with an alien parasite that takes over their bodies. Five of them have the dark breed parasite and desire to kill. The thing crash lands back on Earth and Cpt. Nick (Scalia) is assigned to find the crew. Uh oh...his bosses are a covert U.S. Air Force unit who know what has escaped from the shuttle wreckage. The search for the things doesn't go well as the monsters in the astronaut bodies kill anything coming near them. Good news...Nick's ex-wife Deborah (Donna W. Scott) is one of the astronauts...and she has a good alien inside her. Deborah and her good alien seek to destroy the bad aliens before they hatch their eggs and take over the planet.
The military units now hunt all the infected astronauts seeking to cultivate them for weapons purposes. Nick and his crew seek to stop them and kill the bad aliens. Nick will team up with the sultry USAF doctor, Marian (Robin Curtis), which means this beauty will die horribly. Finally Nick finds his ex-wife and the alien that possesses her. Deborah and the alien then take the opportunity to tell Nick what an awful husband he was. Women! Despite their nagging and whining, Nick and his crew...or what's left of the crew...set out for a final attack on the evil parasite aliens. This will be difficult as the USAF is also on their way and would rather wipe out Nick and his team than the aliens.
Will the dark breed of aliens prevail and infest the entire planet? Are all women throughout the universe nagging whiners...or are all men pigs? If successful, will Nick get Deborah back...does he even want her back? I left so much out of the plot summary as this is an ambitious and action-packed film with lots of explosions and alien-things jumping out of human bodies scenes. For a great Friday night date film that will leave you and your date arguing about are men pigs or are women whiners, see "Dark Breed," directed by Richard Pepin.

Saturday, March 23, 2019

Shrieker, The Horrors of University Housing

What a scam by the American university system. These institutions of higher learning know they can charge anything they want for tuition and if you can't afford it...well, the government steps in and provides you with loan money to be paid to these universities. Then...on top of that, if you want to live there...another 10-20 thousand bucks for a half closet infested with cockroaches and bed bugs. However, in Full Moon Entertainment's 1998 classic "Shrieker," we find out that alternatives to this scam may be deadly.
Yeah, yeah, yeah...alchemists conjure up a  monster to protect the secrets of Satan (who among us hasn't done something similar?). Decades ago a local hospital was shut down after a massacre in which the culprit was described as a shrieking fiend. Abandoned, six college students who can't afford campus housing become squatters and move into the condemned building. Clark (Tanya Dempsey) is the newest one and invited in by Zak (Jamie Gannon) who desires pre-marital sex with her. Others include the hottest Communist on any college campus Tanya (Alison Cuffe), another babe (Jenya Lano) and two more hunks (Parry Shen and Chris Boyd). Unaware of the building's history, the six squatters are alarmed when shrieking starts emanating from the basement and weird symbols begin appearing on the floor.
Uh oh...someone else is living in the building in secret in that basement. Uh oh again, the shrieker materializes and begins hunting. One by one the handsome and beautiful begin to be shredded. The squatters begin to blame the nubile Clark, as she is the newest one and no one knows much about her. Tanya is mad and ticks off everyone by threatening to leave. The Communist babe is cut down when told by a hunk, "You want to go help the workers? Then go f**k one." Classic! She'll be shredded. As the shrieker moves through attractive college students like crap through a goose, Clark must solve a macabre mystery in order to find out how to stop the fiend and prevent her new squatting-mates from stringing her up.
Is Communist-Tanya's vicious death a sign that Full Moon Entertainment has sold out to "The Man" and the bourgeois to the detriment of the workers?  Can Clark convince her college mates she isn't conjuring up evil? Is this film a plea by Full Moon Entertainment to the American higher education system to stop systematically killing (metaphorically, of course) college students with debt and shoddy housing? A great looking cast and scary creature enhance this Agatha Christie type story making "Shrieker" (directed by David DeCoteau) a neat horror film.

Thursday, March 21, 2019

Age of Tomorrow, The Asylum and Kelly Hu

For you fans of Syfy Channel films we have one today from Asylum Pictures...2014's "Age of Tomorrow." Okay....this one heads in directions that will surprise, but more importantly it stars Kelly Hu. Kelly Hu is a sultry actress that has made a career of dying horribly. Who can forget her in "Stiletto" when half her face is blown off? We all was such a nice face. She made this film about the same time she made her Viagra ad, but would she fare better in "Age of Tomorrow" than she did in that ad?
What happens when a vicious and efficient alien force descends upon Earth and is met by an equally vicious fighting force of humans? We won't find out in this film, but we will see a pathetic alien race go to war against an incompetent army and equally incompetent band of humans. Enter Kelly Hu as Gordon...NASA's liaison to the army. She brings her spaceship (really) and blasts off for an approaching warship with an inept crew headed by the inept Captain Wheeler (Anthony Marks) serve with him is to die horribly. As the Hawaiian beauty and Wheeler's unit bring the fight to the aliens, the L.A. fire department wages war against the alien probes on Earth.
Fireman Chris (Lane Townsend) heads the resistance here on Earth.  Like serve with Fireman Chris is to die horribly. The aliens, through no fault of their own, seem to be winning. Oh no! Kelly Hu is taken prisoner. What is scary about that is Captain Wheeler will try to rescue her. Now teleported to the alien world,  Kelly Hu is at the mercy of the aliens. As Wheeler manages to get his entire unit decapitated (no easy feat), Kelly Hu is put through torture by her captors. Enter the U.S. Army space force...they are on their way but run out of ammunition in 15 seconds (really).
Will Kelly Hu be saved or die another horrible death? With leaders like Captain Wheeler and Fireman Chris, does the Earth deserve to survive? Can this movie be made with just Kelly Hu, minus the military and fire department...and also leave out the aliens? Don't be fooled, the ending will surprise you. "Age of Tomorrow" is a surprisingly dark film that won't win the "Feel Good Film of the 21st Century Award." Directed by James Kondelik, "Age of Tomorrow" may have you yearning for Kelly Hu's Viagra ad.

Tuesday, March 19, 2019

Creepazoids, Linnea Quigley vs. Big Beetle Monster

Oh yes...another apocalyptic wasteland film! This time we have Linnea Quigley in one of her best performances battling a huge beetle/man creature...oh yes, with her four friends. Set in 1998, this film boasts of a great title and one of the greatest posters of any film in history. Released in 1987, Ms. Quigley gives a stellar performance giving schlock late-night cable TV viewers gratuitous satisfaction. "Creepazoids" is a B grade film with an A grade heart and an aim to please viewers like us.
Nuclear war has destroyed mankind...or is on the verge of doing so. The war is now futile and major cities are reduced to apocalyptic wastelands, largely uninhabitable. The rain is pure acid rain, able to melt human flesh in a few seconds. Five deserters from the war prowl the ruins in southern California, but when a rain storm approaches they need to duck into the first open door they come to. Uh oh, it is a military genetics lab, or at least it was before the war and whatever was created in it...still prowls. Immediately Blanca (Quigley) finds a shower and gives us a gratuitous shower scene...for you gals, Butch (Ken Abraham) joins in for some gratuitous pre-marital shower sex.
Okay, back to the story, the creature finds computer guy Jesse (Michael Aranda) and does something to him which causes him to mutate and explode at the dinner table. Now there are four survivors.  Jake (Richard L. Hawkins) leads the deserters and he's pretty dumb. Most of his decisions get someone killed. Soon, large mutant rats will join our beetle-monster in hunting the deserters. Now the gang's other babe Kate (Ashlyn Gere) discovers that the creature used to be human before the military scientists started experimenting on it. Now the beetle-monster hunts and may have a more complex plan for the two babes and two hunks remaining.
Do our deserters have a shot against this military engineered mutant? Does Blanca's proclivity for gratuitous showers and pre-marital sex indicate the creature may have more extensive plans for her? Will Kate and Blanca engage in a cat-fight? (Spoiler alert....Yes!). This is a fun one and while millions are lured to the embarrassingly pathetic "Captain Marvel" film, watch a film that you will actually enjoy...."Creepazoids" (directed by David DeCoteau).

Sunday, March 17, 2019

Murdercycle, Alien Biker vs. The CIA and Marines

Cassandra Ellis! A far better actress than either Mila Kunis or Meryl Streep, Ms. Ellis made only one film in her career. Unlike the films of the aforementioned over-rated has-beens, Ms.Ellis' film is one we actually want to watch. 1999's "Murdercycle" is given to us by our buddies at Full Moon and Charles Band. UFOs...ETs...lasers...machine guns...and Cassandra Ellis...this is one for all to enjoy!
A meteorite crashes onto the grounds of a top-secret CIA/military base. The thing is actually an alien probe which immediately possesses a dirt-bike and its rider (Mark Edward Roberts). It then goes on the rampage with lasers and eliminates the CIA spook running the place. Enter Sgt. Kirby (Charles Wesley), USMC. He is a suspended marine, suspended for killing his own men (a CIA frame-up). He is put in charge of a team to enter the base and figure out why contact has been lost with it. The CIA sends their guy, Wood (Michael Vachetti), to oversee the operation. They also send Dr. Lee (Ellis), a sultry CIA babe in a tight mini-skirt who is in charge of their ESP team, yes she has ESP. As soon as the covert team enters the base the alien cyclist attacks. Wood clearly knows more than he is letting on.
As the team slowly diminishes in number, both Lee and Kirby figure out Wood may be the real enemy. But wait! An underground lab is found and the alien rider wants to get into it. Now Kirby, a few of his men, and Lee have to figure out what is in the lab that the alien wants and will kill for. Yep, Wood knows and isn't talking. Wood also has defense mechanisms so Lee can't read his mind. Whenever Lee tries to read Wood's mind, Wood fills it up with thoughts of violently raping Lee. This alarms Lee. Now a battle is set pitting Kirby and Lee against the CIA spook, and also against a homicidal alien motorcyclist.
What is being kept in the underground lab which could cause a planetary war between some distant world and the CIA? Given the fact that Dr. Lee has been thrown in with CIA spooks and U.S. Marines, are Wood's thoughts about raping her unique to only him (after all...all men are PIGS!!!!!)? Why hasn't Cassandra Ellis ever made another film (perhaps she refused to have sex with Harvey Weinstein)? This is a fun one and represents Full Moon Entertainment nicely. For some great alien-machine gun-motorcycle-sultry ESP woman action, see "Murdercycle," directed by Thomas L. Callaway.

Friday, March 15, 2019

Yellow Fangs, Big Bear Eats Japan

Okay, the bear was a guy in a cheesy bear suit. I don't care, I liked it. As for the guy in the bear suit...I'll take that over CGI any day. A neat little film we have today, 1990's "Yellow Fangs." Sadly, this wasn't a little film, but a big budget box office flop. No one went to see this film which took its toll on Sonny Chiba who made the film and bankrolled it. He lost everything, even though his film was infinitely better than the caustic "Captain Marvel."
Hokkaido in 1915...the winter is a tough one. A lot of snow and a bear begins attacking villages. He kills the men and carries away the women. It loves the scent of menstruation and it will pick women clean to their bones. This riles the villages...and horrifies them. Prodigal daughter Yuki (Mika Muramatsu) returns to her village only to be rejected by her dad. Minutes later the bear strikes, murdering her dad and carrying off her mom. The beautiful Yuki then goes off into the wilderness to kill the bear.
Yuki and her dog will have competition. Trained bear hunters from her village form a posse and also head out. These guys know what they are doing. Uh oh, the bear is smart and is able to outsmart these guys. Eiji (Hiroyuki Sanada) is a handsome hunter who secretly loves Yuki. As more women are eaten, the village sends away all its women (I know, a lot of you guys are thinking "why can't we do that?" Stop it). Now Yuki, dressed as a guy, is the only woman left. She is a fierce huntress, and unwitting bait. With no women left to eat, our fierce furry friend smells Yuki. Armed to the hilt with a rifle and a spear, Eiji runs to her to protect her...but will she need protection?
This is a cool story based on real events. The bear may be corny, but many of you will agree it beats CGI. Will Yuki need more protection from the bear, or from Eiji? Is the women-eating bear a nice metaphor for Harvey Weinstein and his Hollywood cohorts? Is this film a statement on the abuses of Japanese patriarchal society pre- World War 2? Okay, probably not...just a neat bear eats woman story. Sonny Chiba's "Yellow Fangs" deserved better than the awful box-office it faced in the 1990s. To salute the great Sonny Chiba, see "Yellow Fangs."

Wednesday, March 13, 2019

Caltiki, The Immortal Monster, The Blob Eats Mexico

Too bad Mexico took a pass on the two World Wars and Korea. As 1959's "Caltiki, The Immortal Monster" finishes up, we are treated to an impressive show of force from the Mexican army and their endless supplies of flamethrowers. As I've said repeatedly, there has never been a bad film that features a flamethrower...never mind dozens of flamethrowers. To add to the spice, as the flamethrowers are throwing flames, we are also treated to the sultry Didi Sullivan (probably not Mexican) traipse through the final half hour clad only in a semi-see-through white negligee in much peril. I agree, how did you miss this one?
In 607 B.C. (or maybe it was A.D.), the Mayans, for no known reason, abandoned their cities. Why? An archaeological team is on the verge of answering that question when most of them are wiped out by a blob. Incidentally, the f/x guys made this blob out of animal intestines. Nieto (Arturo Dominici) is the only poor sap to make it back to base-camp, but now he is a drooling, mad-lunatic. This unnerves Professor John Fielding (John Merivale) and his wife Ellen (Sullivan). She's beautiful and takes this opportunity to yell at John that "this is no way to spend a honeymoon." She has a point. The opportunistic Max (Gerard Herter) takes this opportunity to try to move in on Ellen...Ellen rejects him like a toddler pushes away broccoli.  Max is married to the beautiful Linda (Daniela Rocca), but she is a half breed and doesn't have the negligee stash that Ellen has.
Okay, back to the monster. As Max and John are attacked by the thing when they return to the cave, John must rescue Max who comes away with part of the blob attached to his arm. Others in the party will be dissolved and consumed by the ever-growing mass. The attached blob is removed from Max and John will keep it in the lab...big mistake. Max will turn psycho in the hospital, kill a pretty nurse, and head to the Fielding estate to have his way with Ellen and her negligee.  The blob? It continues to grow and now the little blob in Fielding's lab also grows and busts out of its fish-tank. Uh oh...a comet heads to Earth and apparently the Mayans prophesied this comet would breed with the blob and destroy the planet. As Ellen puts on her aforementioned nightie, Max and the the two blobs head to her, to either eat her or ravage her.
Will Mexico survive? Will the chaste and loyal Ellen remain unsoiled from the advances of the blob and Max? Will Linda woman up and get herself some fashionable negligees or engage in a cat-fight with Ellen in order to keep her man?  This is a fun one and the battle to save the world, and Mexico City, will be a fiery one. For some great blob made from intestine carnage, and some nice cheesecake, enjoy "Caltiki, The Immortal Monster," directed by Riccardo Freda and an un-credited Mario Bava.

Monday, March 11, 2019

Creep, The Skank in the Subway...With a Monster

She's a skank! Or is she? First impressions are often cruel and way off base. Sure...she has a revealing bright yellow party dress on. She has also donned some high-high heels and fishnets. Her walk just screams, "I want pre-marital sex!" In a male dominated British society, perhaps the cultural norms have forced her into this masquerade. Nothing like mutant, cannibalistic monsters to bring out one's true identity. Hence 2004's "Creep."
Kate (Franka Potente) is the aforementioned skank. She's working a party and every guy there wants to have pre-marital sex with her. The men-folk there aren't good enough for her and she departs in an effort to find George Clooney and have pre-marital sex with him. Bad idea. She takes the subway but because of her inebriated condition, falls asleep and misses the last train. She is now locked in the subway which has closed for the night. Uh oh...a train comes by...but how? Stupidly she gets on not knowing the crew has all had their throats ripped out. Also getting on is an admirer from the party (Vas Blackwood). He will try to rape her but will fall short when a monster pulls him off of Kate and shreds him.
Now Kate has sobered up and realizes her would-be rapist isn't her biggest concern. As the creature boards the train, she runs off. Now Kate is pursued through the subway tunnels of London by a mutant icky thing. She'll meet potential allies, such as a benign homeless couple. None of her potential allies will fare well as the monster has laid claim to Kate the party girl. As the fiend closes in Kate makes some horrific discoveries and what lurks in the subway may have a grotesque backstory that will play in a very gory manner into the plot.
Will Kate show us that she is not the skank we originally thought, and turn hero? What is the mutant cannibal thing that pursues her and what does he want with Kate? Is "Creep" a mere metaphor of how London public transportation de-humanizes the workers of a once great city, turning them into drones to be eaten by creatures? This is a gory one which will have you turning your head from the screen. Directed by Christopher Smith, enjoy "Creep," and never take public transportation again.

Saturday, March 9, 2019

Frozen Sasquatch, or Luke Warm Yeti

Sasquatch...Bigfoot...Yeti....all the same thing? The question is moot, but in 2018's "Frozen Sasquatch" we have a Yeti run amok in The Himalayas. Another classic from the Polonia Brothers, this B film (C really) may have some flaws but is so endearing on so many fronts. Campy acting that is better than any of the acting in the new "Wonder Woman" or "Captain America" films, C grade special effects that top the stupid CGI of a J.J. Abrams film, and a creature that will have you laughing, cheering, and yearning for the f/x of those great B films of the 1950s.
A U.S. research facility in The Himalayas is wiped out...but by what? The government sends a trio of fact-finders...Lance (Titus Himmelberger), he's buff (in a C grade film type of way)...Sheila (Natalie Hallead), Lance's ex, and the sexual tension between them is boiling over (okay, maybe not boiling but a bit warmer than ice water), and the proverbial fifth-wheel Jenson (Noyes J. Lawton). They reach the facility and find blood and hair all over the place. They also find Megan (Jamie Morgan). Megan is a scientist and seems to have gone completely mad...she keeps yapping about a Yeti. The trio find the notes from the mad doctors and realize a Yeti wiped the place out.
Uh oh...the Yeti is still in the facility and begins hunting our trio. Double uh oh, Lance (he's buff) and Sheila are getting warm to each other again. As Jenson searches the facility, and Sheila pours over the notes of the experiments, Lance flexes and looks buff. Uh oh again, Megan may be a bit more than a mere victim of a Yeti gone amok. The trio learn some startling truths about where the Yeti came from and what it is trying to do, other than killing humans.
Will Sheila be so impressed with the buff Lance and rip his clothes off even as the Yeti hunts them? Will the annoying third-wheel Jenson get ripped apart by either the Yeti, Sheila, Lance, or the mysterious Megan? Will Lance still look buff after the Yeti gets through with him? This is a fun one and the C grade film effort is terrific. Kudos to the Polonia brothers and the fine cast in delivering a very entertaining horror film. See "Frozen Sasquatch" and don't worry that a Yeti culturally appropriated the enigmatic Bigfoot.

Thursday, March 7, 2019

Ditch Day Massacre, High Schoolers Shredded

Skipping a school day, not just one class...consequences will abound. In horror films, the consequences will always be of exaggerated proportion to the mis-deed. In fairness to the psycho population, the teens in this film aren't really being punished for skipping school. In fact, the indiscretion committed by a pretty teen may merit the exaggerated can decide that. Hence 2016's "Ditch Day Massacre" (aka "Ditch Day"), directed by Joe Hendrick.
Drunk teen Jenny (Katy Foley) mows down Vick's (Bill Obrest, Jr.) family, killing his wife and little girl. A tangled web is weaved as Jenny's dad (Gregory DePetro) is a police detective and his force covers up her involvement. One year passes and Vick is ready for bloody revenge. He's trained, plotted, and gone increasingly mad. The scarred psycho then strikes...first Jenny's mom and dad. No spoilers here, but he has thought this out and has a more elaborate plan for them than just murder. Now on to Jenny. Unfortunately for three of her buddies, Jenny is skipping school and they congregate at her house for marijuana, beer, and pre-marital deviant sex.
Vick is on them like flies to roadkill. Axe in hand, Vick preps the neighborhood. This will be very unfortunate to Jenny's attractive but frisky neighbor (Lynn Lowry)'ll see. As the teens down some brewskies, break out the sex toys, and engage in carnal relations, Vick attacks. This will be a bloody massacre...but wait! Not everyone will go down. At least, not yet. Vick's master plan is more ominous than just cold-blooded murder. After all, he had a year to think it up. Chainsaws, weed-whackers, and knives will all be involved as will a few more surprises.
Exactly what does Vick have planned for Jenny, other than her demise? Is Jenny Vick's only target on this day of reckoning? Is this film a mere metaphor for the watered down math and reading curricula that eventually do figurative carnage to graduating high school graduates? Okay, maybe not...perhaps this is just a vicious slasher/revenge flick. For a bloody and provocative good time, enjoy "Ditch Day Massacre."

Wednesday, March 6, 2019

Love Me Not, Jenny Loves Brad and an Axe

Okay stop it...I haven't asked the question yet. The answers from you guys out there are pouring in. I can hear you say "Yes...I married one!" Or, "Yep, I dated dozens." Or even, "Women...what's the big surprise?" Okay, shut up...the question I lead off this review with is...what is it like to date a complete homicidal psycho babe? Hence a 11 minute short horror film from Michael Coulombe, "Love Me Not." Perhaps we can characterize this blood fest as "My Dinner With Andre" meets "My Bloody Valentine."
Men! Can't live with them...can't live without them. But on Valentine's Day, a babe would rather live with them. The beautiful Jenny (Vanessa Esperanza) has had her share of men troubles...they dump her, don't answer her calls, don't return her texts, and bleed all over her romantic dinner table. As our film begins her ex-lovers are also ex-people. Their mangled corpses are carefully placed around Jenny's dinner table. She took an axe to doubt they deserved it.
Uh oh...the latest beau, Brad (David Blanco) still breathes. Tied up and gagged, Jenny explains to him...and us...exactly what she did and why. You gals will cheer! You guys will grab your phones and start answering some long ignored texts. Decked out in alluring undergarments and armed with an axe, Jenny has the upper hand. As Jenny pontificates and waxes insane-logic, Brad desperately works to free himself from the ties that bind.
Can Jenny forgive Brad? Can Brad free himself and turn the tables on Jenny? Is Jenny's diatribe merely an anthem for all you beautiful women out there...and a warning for all you men pigs! Bloody...humorous...and perhaps a nice bit of social commentary on the modern men-women dating scene, "Love Me Not" (written by Brantley J. Brown) is a must see for all of us romantic-at-heart. To view this film click the link below.
Love Me Not

Tuesday, March 5, 2019

13 Hours in a Warehouse, Ghosts Botch a Robbery

Ah...those pesky ghosts. Then, if those ghosts are angry...bad news! What's worse, if the angry and pesky ghosts are women out! Too bad for the schmucks in this film, as they actually have a pretty good plan. When schmucks enact a plan it never goes well. Add ghosts to the mix and it really won't go well. Hence 2008's "13 Hours in a Warehouse." This might be the best film ever to be shot entirely in Minneapolis.
Six schmucks have a perfect plan. I got to give it to the filmmakers, it really does sound like a good plan. They are going to hit an art gallery...quickly in...quickly out. What could go wrong? Schmucks are doing the job so you can figure something will. Yep, their getaway car is stolen forced them to carjack a babe, Jennifer (Meisha Johnson). While the heat is on the six schmucks hole up in an abandoned warehouse. Mike and Randy (Daniel Jay Salmen and Chars Bonin) are very familiar with the place as their dad used to film porn movies in there. Uh oh...Jennifer the hostage has seen all their faces.
The boys need to wait 13 hours until the big guys get there...don't ask why. The 13 hours will turn into a horror show as mysterious numbers begin appearing on the walls...and written in blood. Then some weird female ghosts appear...first to Jennifer, and then to the guys. The ghosts seem to have an axe to grind...or a toilet seat to grind, as they will decapitate Craig (Paul Cram) with that toilet seat...after castrating him. One by one a trio of ghosts hunt the schmucks. As the kills increase Mike and Randy learn some unsettling facts about their dad. Here's a clue...they weren't porn movies he was filming...think snuff!
Will the ghosts go after Jennifer? Do any of the schmucks have a prayer at surviving? Is a man decapitated by a toilet seat after being castrated a plot device that makes this film the most profound feminist statement ever coming out of Hollywood...or Minneapolis? If the #MeToo movement had survived, "13 Hours in a Warehouse" may have become its rallying cry. For all you two-bit schmucks looking for a big score out there, watch "13 Hours in a Warehouse" and stay in school for that diploma.

Sunday, March 3, 2019

Alien Domicile, Frolic in Area 51

Area there a better plot device for a movie? Okay, maybe a tentacled creature hunting space-babes is a better plot device, but other than that...Area 51 rules. We all know what's going on there...alien autopsies in underground labs...technicians attempting to rebuild alien spacecraft...mad-scientists injecting alien DNA into human test subjects...etc. Hence 2017's "Alien Domicile," directed by Kelly Schwarze.
A military security team combs underground corridors in an Area 51 facility. This won't go alien attacks, decimates the team, and hauls off a very pretty soldier (Victoria Viveiros). What do they want with this woman? I can only use my imagination on that one. Another team (group of schmucks may be a more exact description) wakes from some mysterious stupor. They all are confused. Hanna (Elly Btown) is an auditor, Russell (Michael Monteiro) is a civilian bureaucrat, Lt. Gail Sullivan (Sabrina Cofield) is a military officer (nothing heroic), and Dimitri (Eduard Osipov) is a Russian soldier. Their last memories before waking up make no sense and they soon figure out they are being held in an underground facility.
Uh oh...some have weird neck wound and some have memories of being probed by monster aliens. Double uh oh...Sgt. Pierce (Michael Tushaus), the only survivor from the aforementioned team, arrives in a panic. His recount of what happened isn't a big help, but the group realizes they need to get out of there. That won't be easy as those monster aliens begin hunting them, what's worse...those wounds on the back of their'll see. Now the surviving humans scramble to escape the fiends and make it to the surface, but what will they find if they escape?
Who is running Area or them? Will Hanna and Lt. Sullivan suffer the same unknown fate as that pretty soldier from the opening scene? How about those neck wounds...did the aliens do something to them? Low budget but a very neat story explain the exact undertakings going on in Area 51. You may disagree, but I loved the rubber-suited aliens and the ending was terrific and thought provoking.

Friday, March 1, 2019

Psycho Shark, Japanese Bikini Babes in Peril

From Japan we have a film also referred to as "Jaws in Japan." A shark movie...or is it? We can debate that but we can agree that this is a film about large breasted Japanese babes in skimpy bikinis, frolicking in the surf, taking gratuitous showers, and jumping up and down a lot. Oh yeah...the shark? You'll see. The 2009 film is called "Psycho Shark." Gratuitous to the max, this is a weird one. Despite the plethora of cheesecake, we have an ominous and grim story without humor...but definitely containing a lot of Japanese babes in skimpy bikinis, frolicking and showering.
Two of the aforementioned bikini babes, Miki and Mai (Nonami Takizawa and Airi Nakajima) get lost heading to the beach and hitch a ride with Kenji. They end up at a deserted beach resort and are given a video camera by the creepy, blood stained manager, and told to record all their good times. Uh oh...previously, three bikini babes arrived the same way and they all died horribly. But how? As Mai and Miki frolic, take showers, and jump up and down, we see brief clips of the downfall of the three previous babes. Were they eaten by a shark...knifed by a psycho...or something else? At first Mai and Miki are unaware of their predecessors.
Uh oh, Miki finds a video tape made by the three ill-fated beauties...and she watches it. Mai romances Kenji. What Miki sees horrifies her. Meanwhile the two girls shower a lot, jump up and down, and frolic in the surf. They even play to their video camera nicely. Uh oh again, Kenji, the manager, and another guy have collected video tapes and have plans for them. More bad news, the girls are under camera surveillance even in the shower. A shark is alluded to, but is this fish really what Mai and Miki need to worry about? The bouncing and gratuity will not cease even after this turns into a dark horror story.
Will Miki and Mai suffer a similar fate as the three ill-fated babes that preceded them to this resort? Will either Miki or Mai meet a shark or a Norman Bates type figure in one of their gratuitous shower scenes? Just why is someone taping the exploits of the babes (...I know, stupid question) and does that someone have plans for the gals? Oh yeah...what about the shark? Be patient, it will figure big in one of the weirdest endings ever in Japanese Cinema. Directed by John Hijiri, "Psycho Sharks" will appeal to your prurient interests and hose you down with gratuitous cheesecake...enjoy.