Saturday, October 30, 2021

Blood Night: The Legend of Mary Hatchet, Naked Babe Swings Pick-Axe

I know many will not like this film.  You have heard their complaints many times, it goes like this, "I love blood and gore as much as anyone, but this...this crossed the line!" My response...WUSS!!!  Blood (oh, so much blood), gore, nudity, gratuitous pre-marital sex scenes...gratuitous gore during pre-marital sex scenes...and Danielle Harris and Bill Moseley!  Today we look at 2009's "Blood Night: The Legend of Mary Hatchet," directed by Frank Sabatella.

Okay...the first 12 minutes of this film!  Wow!  It will get rid of all the wusses.  Vicious and brutal are understatements.  You'll see.  In short, Mary (Samantha Siong) is a naked babe at an asylum for the criminally insane.  She gets out of her cell and kills everyone in the asylum before cops fill her with bullets.  20 years later, on the anniversary of her demise, high school hunks and babes are having a 'Blood Night' party at pretty Nicole's (Alissa Dean) house.  All the good looking kids will arrive...have booze...strip to the music...and have pre-marital sex.  Also at the party is the weird but beautiful Alissa (Harris).  Mary's ghost arrives and purees many of the hunks and babes.

The surviving teens run out of the house and are picked up by Gus (Moseley).  He knows what is going on.  Naturally, he drives them to the abandoned insane asylum where a showdown will occur between the naked slasher and the teens.  We are cheering for the naked ghost.  Mary's ghost has a pick-axe and is quite adept with it.  Uh there someone else involved?  Clues to Mary's collaboration are uncovered by Gus and the remaining teens.  Every killing will be brutal and gory and it is always nice seeing Miss Harris and Mr. Moseley.

What does Mary's ghost want?  Is one of the teens key in the wrath of the naked Mary?  What happened to Mary many years ago to land her in an asylum for the criminally insane (a question many of us could ask about ourselves)?  Bloody and some may say this film crosses the line.  Whether it goes too far or not, the naked Mary is quite a dish and her victims are some good cheesecake and beefcake.  See "Blood Night: The Legend of Mary Hatchet."   

Thursday, October 28, 2021

High School Exorcism, Satan and the SAT

It has the primal horror of "Sixteen Candles" and the hilarity of "The Exorcist," 2014's "High School Exorcism."  Wait...I know what you are thinking...this is not what you may think it is.  First of all, Kelly Hu and Ione Skye are sultry as moms of teens in this one. Their performances aren't mere cameos, either. Also, a bevy of sultry high school gals grace our feature.  They'll engage in catfights and...exorcisms! Stop laughing. Really!  When you watch this film there will be no laughing or witty banter.  It will be ominous and depressing...and a bit more than you originally expected. 

High school beauty, and athlete, Chloe (Jennifer Stone) has been suspended from the team for anger issues.  Her temper is bloodying opponents on the field.  She's acting out as her mom (Skye) and dad have recently separated.  Her best buddy Laura (Janel Parrish) writes for the school paper.  Laura's latest story is about a bunch of her babe classmates involved in a church Bible study.  She goes to the Bible study with her buddy Olivia (Shanley Caswell).  At first skeptical, Laura is impressed with the group, called "The Chosen."  They are interesting and well adjusted teens concerned with service and charity...what could be wrong with that?  Funny you should ask.

By accident Laura witnesses The Chosen and their reverend (William McNamara) performing an exorcism on a young lady.  Okay...weird.  Uh oh...Chloe continues to sink into desperation, anti-social behavior,  cutting, and violent angry tendencies.  Now Chloe is unrecognizable...maybe she needs an exorcism?  Olivia is all too happy to introduce Chloe and Laura to her Reverend.  Uh oh...the meeting doesn't go as you would expect.  No matter...why waste the opportunity for a good exorcism?  Olivia is game.  As Chloe continues to sink, and cuts some more, Laura thinks so too...and so does her mom. What happens is surprising and changes the thrust of the film.  After all...the devil that you know is preferable than the devil that you don't.

Does Chloe need an exorcism?  What are Olivia's true motivations?  Should teenage beauties be counted on for anything?  There will be catfights...and that is good.  Don't kid yourself...there is no "John Hughes" aspect about this film.  Depressing and at times hard to watch as we find out Satan may not be the villain here.  See "High School Exorcism," directed by Peter Sullivan, and listen carefully to a good sermon this Sunday.  

Tuesday, October 26, 2021

Edge of the Axe, Axe Man Shreds Babes

Jose Ramon Larraz is a film maker from Spain heavily influenced by 1970s Giallo. On occasion he has ventured into the United States to create slasher films. We look at one of his movies today, 1988's "Edge of the Axe." We'll be able to easily identify the similarities to Italian horror quite easily. A beautiful nurse in white chopped to pieces...a babe in a mini-skirt chopped to pieces...a beautiful waitress chopped up and fed to rats...yep, when the beautiful die so horribly, Giallo is happy. Also, we'll see beautiful damsels in much distress who may also be homicidal lunatics.

So it begins, in a sleepy California town, a beautiful nurse is chopped to pieces in a carwash. There will be more. More importantly, Gerald (Barton Faulks) has just got a new computer. Unlike today, where Google and Siri exude incompetence, his machine actually answers questions correctly. His buddy, Richard (Page Mosely), is an exterminator. He will bring Gerald on a job to remove a dead rodent from above the ceiling. Uh oh...the stench is from the rotting corpse of a decomposing waitress. Gerald will fall in love with the nubile Lillian (Christine Marie Lane). She has just returned to town from...well, that's a good question. The axe murders continue, all nice looking women. Now Gerald fixes Lillian up with a computer, and she begins asking it questions.

The axe wielding maniac doesn't rest. Now Gerald tries to solve the murders using his computer. Guess what...Lillian tries to solve the murders using her computer. Now our two lovebirds develop suspicions about each other. More suspects? Everyone! A creepy priest...Richard's wife. Oh yes, Richard is married to a woman old enough to be his mom...and both are fooling around on each other. Back stories are introduced and indicate Gerald may have a dark side...and also Lillian may have a dark side. Uh oh again, an insane asylum may hold the key to a commonality between all the victims.

Is Gerald or Lillian the axe maniac? Even if one of them is a homicidal psychopath, should that get in the way of true love? This is a bloody one in which many beautiful woman will die horribly. Fans of Giallo will find this film interesting and may guess the ending. Slasher fans without Giallo backgrounds will be impressed at how the reveal unfolds. For a bloody good time, just say "Ciao" or "Buenos Noches" and see "Edge of the Axe."

Sunday, October 24, 2021

Shark Season, Bikini Babes vs. The Great White Shark

Okay...I'll say it...I loved the ending!  Before you disagree with me, just remember the ending to "Jaws" has been proven to be a bunch of hooey.  The rifle round fired by Brody cannot penetrate a SCUBA tank.  Besides...who would you rather see in a bikini, Richard Dreyfus or the nubile dolls in a film from The Asylum?  Today we look at 2020's "Shark Season," directed by Jared Cohn. Oh! Did I mention the ending! Wow! 

As our film begins a nubile bikini babe (Laura E. Hubbard) is torn to pieces by a Great White...such a shame.  No matter, nubile bikini babe (a nice blue bikini) Sarah (Paige McGarvin) is set to kayak to an outer Florida island with her ex-boyfriend, hunk Jason (Jack Pearson).  Uh oh...Jason brings his new flame, bikini babe (a yellow bikini) Meghan (Juliana Destefano) to apply Sarah's make-up.  Catfight coming?  Oh yeah, Sarah tells her dad (Michael Madsen) she is going out, but will end up going to a different island.  The great looking trio kayak an extra hour to reach a pile of rocks in the middle of nowhere in the Atlantic.  

The journey out is mighty nice as the trio befriend dolphins.  Then Jason is eaten by the toothy menace.  I give the two babes credit, neither seems too broken up by this.  Still, the gals make it to the rocks and soon realize the tide is rising and the rocks will be underwater in a few minutes.  Oh...Sarah's dad...useless! A jet skier tries to help...but he'll be shark food in a matter of seconds.  Now the two rivals...or former rivals...and their sexy bikinis must get back into the ocean and find safety.  The shark will be pesky and does not intend to let either beauty make it to another landmass.  Now Sarah and Meghan must discuss beauty and cosmetic secrets while trying to outsmart the ocean's greatest predator.  Perhaps this is a metaphor of women in today's Hollywood.

Will either bikini babe make it to the end credits uneaten?  Will there be a catfight and if so which bikini, the blue or the yellow, will be torn off?  Will Michael Madsen's character find relevance and get out of his kitchen and do something (you'll see)?  The cheese in this made for Syfy epic is quite nice and the ending!  Yes, you won't believe the ending!  Classic!  Herman Melville should have used it for Moby Dick.  See "Shark Season," and enjoy a gratuitous bikini/shark film.

Friday, October 22, 2021

Knifecorp, Door to Door Carnage

Kane Hodder!  Tiffany Shepis!  Felissa Rose!  Enough said.  Today we have a slasher film with much knife carnage....and a major league slasher...Kane Hodder!  However annoying door-to-door salesmen are, you will be wincing at their fate in 2021's "Knifecorp," directed by Zach Zorba Grashin.  The slashings will be numerous and it is nice to see a slasher film when the deaths are perpetuated by slashing knives...for the most part.

To earn money, some great looking high school seniors get a job selling kitchen knives, door-to-door.  Wally (Austin Kulman) is trying to raise money because his mom (Rose) is losing her home.  Wally's dad was a cop who was killed in the line of duty.  Tanya (Lola Sandra) is a pretty lass who desires to earn money to move away from an abusive dad.  Buddy Chang (Hymnson Chan) wants to earn money to pay for a rebel force to kill the guerrillas who murdered his parents in...well, Asia, someplace.  The kids go off to sell the knives.  The fourth kid Jed (Peter Gilroy) lucks out...he ends up at Tiffany Shepis' home and she wants to jump his bones.  Wally's first house is resided in by Angus (Hodder), a mentally unbalanced ex-cop.

Angus hesitantly allows Wally to do his sales pitch.  This won't go well and Angus becomes all psycho.  Skipping much of the plot, all four kids end up in Angus' home.  Oh yes...we see some of Angus' twisted secrets and some preliminary kills.  Now Angus is hunting the kids and the teens are no match for him.  Sadly the teens 'man-up' and decide to try heroics...unfortunately these kids just aren't ready to be heroes.  Angus continues hunting them and what follows is a transition from dark comedy to gory heartbreak.

Will Angus prove as invincible as the slashers in the "Hatchet" or the "Friday the 13th" films?  Do any of these great looking kids have what it takes to escape the house alive?  Will the teens become pincushions for the knives they are trying to hock?  This is a good one and twists and shocks abound.  As lovable as these kids are portrayed, Angus will exact his bloody vengeance on at least some of them.  See "Knifecorp," and enjoy Kane Hodder in a very appropriate role.


Wednesday, October 20, 2021

Return to Splatter Farm, Slasher by the Book

Has anyone noticed that Clint Eastwood makes a lot of movies lately with highly original plots.  It should also be pointed out that those plots are ones no one in there right minds would desire to see. Come on, let us be honest.  "Cry Macho" should never have been made.  Someone tell this guy to stop! When in doubt...and listen up, Clint!...make a slasher film!  We want to see slasher films!  Not twisted idiocy that masquerades as cinematic art.  Hence 2020's "Return to Splatter Farm," directed by some of this blog's favorite peeps, Jeff Kirkendall and Mark Polonia.

Something awful happened at a rural Pennsylvania farm, 30 years ago.  A bunch of campers and youngsters were beheaded or gutted...happens.  The perp? Jeremy (Kirkendall) he's still loose.  Bobbi (Danielle Donahue) is the only living heir and inherits the farm.  Now her and four of her buddies head to claim the inheritance and help Bobbi clean it out so she can move in.  Her buddies are suitable for decapitation and disembowelment, but good peeps nonetheless.  Of course, Jeremy still resides in the barn and slices up couples who wonder in there to make out or have pre-marital sex. We see a lot of slasher action, including guttings and decapitations...and pre-marital sex not ending well (as if it ever does).

Bobbi explores the farm with her best buddy, Daphne (Maria De Lorenzo) and Jeremy sees them.  Now Jeremy turns his attention to Bobbi's party.  The other three include Brad (Nico Bryant), a football player...Liz, a skank...and Gopher, a stoner.  Worry not, other babes will find their way to the farm for the sole purpose of gratuitous shower scenes...gritty reality.  Jeremy has a field day and I must say, we sort of are rooting him on.  As hunks and babes die horribly...some in orgasmic sweet, we plead with the screen that the nubile Bobbi will be spared.

Will the nubile Bobbi be a final girl, or merely the final kill?  How many of us identify as a Jeremy type in this increasingly polarized existence here in America?  Is there ever a bad time to throw in a gratuitous shower scene in any movie (hear that Clint!)?  Classic slasher tropes spring at us in this very refreshing film.  So if you had to endure "Bronco Billy" or "Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil" (gag me with a spoon!), treat yourself to "Return to Splatter Farm."  

Monday, October 18, 2021

Cruel Summer, This Won't Be Easy to Watch

Oh no! You'll be uttering that short phrase almost as soon as this film begins.  From the first couple of minutes after the opening credits, it is clear what is about to transpire. The viewer will stay tuned as he prays he is wrong.  What unfolds is sordid and depraved.  What's even worse...we'll all think the same thing, is 2016's "Cruel Summer" an apt metaphor for what western civilization does to decent folk who may be just a little different than ourselves?  Directed by Phillip Escott and Craig Newman, "Cruel Summer" is an important film that will cause us all to look into ourselves and our ability for compassion and love.

Danny (Richard Pawulski) is an autistic teenager.  He is set to leave solo for a camping weekend in which he will earn merit badges for putting up a tent, making a fire, catching fish, and enduring the wilderness.  He is a better man than I.  His very sweet parents (Grace Dixon and  Gary Knowles) are so proud...and worried.  Danny is pure and kind hearted and the nature landscape he will venture into welcomes him.  Uh oh...not everyone at his high school is kind.  Three scum of the Earth vermin are up to no good.  Julia (Natalie Martins) wants Nick (Danny Miller) to be her boyfriend.  She concocts a story that Nick's old GF was raped by autistic Danny.  She further convinces Nick that Danny is a serial pedophile.  All lies.  Neer-do-well Calvin (Reece Douglas) joins this duo.

Nick, upset his old GF dumped him, decides to follow Danny into the wilderness and hack him to pieces.  Julia and Calvin tag along believing Nick will calm down and relent.  He doesn't.  Now the evil trio hunt Danny.  Of course they find him.  What follows will sicken you.  What follows can serve as a metaphor for how our advanced civilization treats those who may need just a little help.  What follows is how we view people that remind us of our shortcomings in charity and compassion.  What follows is brutal and disgusting.

This won't be an easy film to watch.  In a society which is coming dangerously close to dumping the developmentally disabled, the mentally ill, and octogenarians into veritable death camps, "Cruel Summer" is a believable tale that will stay with you.  Nowadays...evil and the grotesque is celebrated as purity and kindness are derided.  Think about that when you watch "Cruel Summer."

Saturday, October 16, 2021

Psychos, Three Deranged Babes

Three psycho women...wait...okay, stop!  I hear divorced guys, out there.  And NO!  Not all women are psychos! So, let us behave and put your previous relationship failures aside.  Now stop that.  No, 'psycho women' is not redundant!  Psycho or not, the three dames in this one are quite the babes...and being 'psycho' does not necessarily make you the bad guy.  Just look at The Son of Sam...okay...bad example...but you know what I mean.  Today we look at 2017's "Psychos," directed by Sandy Chukhadarian.  Oh yes, if you have a weak tummy...well, then you're a wuss.

A trio of babes begins receiving sordid emails.  The emails contain a video of them being tortured ten years ago.  These three strangers have a horrible past in common.  All three were abducted and tortured by a misogynistic sadist, Larry (Aubrey Wakeling).  Norma (Melissa Elena Jones) works at a daycare facility and loves to threaten children with torture.  JJ (Deniele Ramos Cloutier) is pre-med and can't wait to cut into, she just tortures little animals.  Sasha (Angelica Cassidy) is a deviant S & M skank...hardly ever sober.  The three deviants have reason to be deviant.  They all went through sexual torture and humiliation as young girls...and escaped.

Traumatized at the time, the lovelies were not able to help the cops catch this fiend.  Now Sasha finds her two cohorts for a revenge mission.  The plan?  Bust into Larry's house...get all the DVDs he took of them being tortured and raped...and kill Larry.  All revenge plans never go as anticipated.  The gals kidding.  The girls don't work well together.  The girls get carried away and Larry is able to surprise them during their execution of aforementioned plan.  Now JJ, Sasha, and Norma get mean.  Fighting mad.  If you don't like torture porn, don't watch this film.  But wait!  Can you trust a psycho?  Can a psycho trust a psycho?  Larry may not be the only threat to the babe'll see.

What are these three psycho lovelies capable of when given hacksaws and motive?  Will Larry allow them to escape a second time?  Does this trio have a prayer of coming away from this mission without becoming more psycho?  This is a gory one and the three stars are very alluring...unless you're Larry.  So... you disenfranchised men out there, the ones who are divorced or going through one, watch "Psychos" before you proceed with the belief you are up against the fairer sex.

Thursday, October 14, 2021

Hatchet Jack, West Virginia Carnage

Gore, shock, and unbridled viciousness.  It all takes place in West, not any of the "Wrong Turn" films.  A better parallel would be George Romero's "Night of the Living Dead" or Tobe Hooper's "Texas Chainsaw Massacre."  Pittsburgh area (West Virginia, actually) filmmakers create a movie with a cannibalistic killer seeking love and nutrients from those he abducts.  Perhaps a metaphor for many of our own existences. The story is semi-standard, but the beauty of 2008's "Hatchet Jack" is in the story telling.  Directed by Eddie Mahalick, this gore-fest will surely please during this Halloween season.

Two hunks and two babes depart Pittsburgh and travel to the wilderness of West Virginia to track down the legend of Hatchet Jack.  Jack murdered 18 with his hatchet and cut them up into little pieces.  Brian (Aaron Bernard) organized this outing and his girlfriend Nikki (Rebecca Hartley) is along for the ride...and probably some pre-marital sex.  Also along is Brian's best buddie, Mike (Mike Valley) and the beauty he hopes to make his girlfriend, Lori (Shayna Hickman).  The quartet are warned away from the woods by a creepy bartender but go forth anyway.  Their initial forages into the cursed wilderness are met with'll see.

So what's going on here? Sure...a bloody slasher film with a predictable plot.  Don't be fooled, Mr. Mahalick will introduce some ominous plot devices that weaves Hatchet Jack's plight with the Pittsburgh hunks and babes.  This won't bode well for the Pittsburgh kids.  Watch and listen closely for the backstories of Lori and Brian...perhaps those are more significant than initially they seem.  Yep...severed body parts, horrific torture and bondage, and one mean axe man will dot the landscape of this film.  But wait!  So will some ghostly apparitions that will be quite nightmarish.  Enough spoilers here.

Will any of these hunks and babes make it back to Pittsburgh in one piece?  How about the nubile Lori?  Will Mike get to have pre-marital sex with her or does Hatchet Jack have dibs on her?  Did Major Harris receive a fair shot at quarterbacking in the NFL?  Creepy, ominous, gory, and vicious...see "Hatchet Jack" by clicking on the following YouTube link Hatchet Jack on YouTube .

Tuesday, October 12, 2021

The Sleeper, Nubile Sorority Babes Shredded by Psycho

Nubile sorority babes shredded by a psycho.  There are two ways to look at this. First...again?  Nothing new here.  Second...Yes!!!  As long as the sorority babes are in the throes of pre-marital sex...or in bikinis...or in a satin negligee...why not make this move?  However standard this plot is, aren't you glad the movie makers didn't make their version of "Beaches" or "Men Don't Leave"?  Hey!  Joe Bob Briggs has a cameo!  Today we look at 2012's "The Sleeper."

Amy (Brittany Belland) is a clean cut beauty.  She is asked to pledge a sorority filled with babes.  The studious beauty brings her babe roomie with her, Ava (Ali Ferda).  Oh! two years ago a maniac (Jason Jay Crabtree) hammered to death a pretty coed in bed.  Why? Who cares!  Amy and Ava make a great impression and are invited to join.  Cindy (Jessica Cameron) misses most of the party because she is having pre-marital sex with her boyfriend, Bobby (Paul Moon).  Bobby leaves and the maniac arrives and hammers Cindy to death in her bed.  The maniac has an M.O.  He makes obscene calls to the sorority and announces who is next.

Laurie (Jenna Fournier) is the chapter president.  She brings Ava and Amy to a bar for a really weird dance scene.  The maniac then pays visits to a bikini clad sorority sister and her boyfriend.  The results will be quite bloody and the bikini babe (Rianna Ballo) will be decapitated.  The kills are fantastic.  Twists? Nope! Gritty honesty...gotta love that.  Incompetent cops and a middle aged house mother will be useless to the plot unless they are murdered in gory fashion.  Now Amy, who might be the final girl, will be chased and terrorized and will eventually get to meet Joe Bob Briggs.

Will Amy, who will not have pre-marital sex in this film, survive the maniac?  Who is this maniac and why is he killing sorority girls?  Will there be mud wrestling matches or whipped cream and silly string fights?  Standard yes...but in a good way.  For some classic slasher action, see "The Sleeper."  

Sunday, October 10, 2021

Prison of the Psychotic Damned, Ghosts in Old Railroad Station

You need fame and money...the only thing you know how to do is film documentaries. you film a documentary about the chronic bore Ruth Bader Ginsburg...or about the vicious ghosts that plague an abandoned railroad station?  Right!  Wait...who is Ruth Bader Ginsburg? See!  The penultimate problem about a documentary about vicious ghosts has always been...what if they are real?  Today we look at the 2006's "Prison of the Psychotic Damned," directed by D.W. Kann.

Rayna (Susan Adriensen) is a university professor filming the above noted documentary. With her is the nubile and perky Nessie (Noel Francomano), a fawning grad student...her cameraman, the crude Jason (James Vaughn)...a medium, the mysterious Aurora (Daiane Azura)...and the blonde junkie Kansas (Melantha Blackthorne).  We like Jason...he's crude and vulgar...enough said.  The gals are very unlikable and we wish for their gory demises.  The crew arrives at the old Buffalo Central Railroad Terminal...a very spooky and ominous setting.  The place has been closed since the 70s and at one time was used as an insane asylum where many insaniacs were tortured to death by sadistic doctors (a good metaphor for today's public health industry).

The gals bicker and yell at Jason...I know many of you guys out there can relate.  Then Aurora starts seeing gory and malicious ghosts everywhere.  One by one the crew separates from the team and end up hunted.  Now everyone sees visions of the dissection and torture of the insaniacs by the Anthony Fauci's of the 1970s.  The ghosts are malicious and what they have planned for the four babes and one semi-hunk is more of that dissection and torture they were subject to many decades ago.

Will Jason get any pre-marital sex with the four babes on his team?  Will the ghosts get any pre-marital sex with the babes on this documentary crew?  Just why are the four babes so grouchy?  Okay, I withdraw that last question.  Gory and loud, this film may be choppy but the old railroad terminal setting is perfect for this type of film.  See "Prison of the Psychotic Damned," and figure out if this film is an apt metaphor for 2021 America.

Friday, October 8, 2021

Desecrated, Warped Vet vs. Hunks and Babes

Yep...another story of someone who went over there to fight and came home a bit twisted.  Hollywood hates our vets and has never understood them.  Maybe that is why we will tend to cheer for our homicidal maniac as he hunts some college kids on spring break.  Today we look at 2015's "Desecrated," directed by Rob Federic.

As our film begins Ben (Gonzalo Menendez) has hunted down three not very innocent hikers.  He'll off them in gory fashion.  Ben?  He is the caretaker on Tom's (Michael Ironside) land.  Tom is a billionaire who frolics on yachts with bikini babes...but never mind this.  Tom's babe daughter, Allie (Haylie Duff) brings five friends to the wilderness estate for marijuana, pre-marital sex, and booze.  They find Ben and he is annoyed at the intrusion.  Ben is all military and the six college kids are not really into discipline or respect.  Ben begins his hunt.  He has rifles, pistols, land mines, daggers, and his fists. 

At first the kids think he is a bit strange but not a threat. Liz (Heather Sossaman) even wants to have pre-marital sex with him.  Sadly, Nina (Vera Rosada) is the first to go in very gory fashion.  No great loss, most of the college kids didn't like her.  See, Nina and her boyfriend Eduardo (Wilmer Calderon) discovered what Ben keeps in his secret shed...that made them inconvenient.  Now Evan (Gib Gerard) discovers his main squeeze, Allie, really only looks at him as a boy toy...his feelings are hurt.  No matter, Ben is getting meaner and less stealth in his hunting maneuvers.  Oh yes, we get Ben's real backstory...and it is horrific.

Do any of these hunks and babes have a chance at surviving Ben's wrath?  Will Liz get to have pre-marital sex with Ben and if so, will she survive it?  Will Allie shed a tear if her boy toy,  Evan, gets gutted by Ben?  The deaths are gory and sometimes heartbreaking as Ben emerges as a perfect killing machine.  For some neat college kids get shredded action...see "Desecrated."

Wednesday, October 6, 2021

Tonight She Comes, Nude, Blood-Soaked, and Angry

All right.  You will either love this one or hate it.  Disgusting gore and depraved nudity.  A lot of deaths...a satanic sacrificial rite...a Necronomicon type book...saps being ripped apart and having their brains eaten...and a dimwitted mailman!  Yep, today we look at 2016's "Tonight She Comes," directed by Matt Stuertz.  So, if you think it is possible for you to say, "Now, I love gore and blood...but this just went too far!"  Well, if you have it in you to say those words...don't watch this wuss!

Kristy (Dal Nicole) is running through the woods.  She's being chased.  She's also ready to give birth.  She won't escape and attempts to drive a shard of glass into her belly to kill whatever wants to be born.  Okay, the dimwit mailman James (Nathan Eswine) has a letter to deliver to Kristy and drives to her cabin...she's not there.  Also headed there are two nymphomaniac babes, Ashley (Larissa White) and Lyndsey (Cameisha Cotton).  After the two babes witness James' buddy jerking off, they bond with James.  Now both want sex with James and Kristy comes back...naked and dripping in blood.  Kristi is animalistic and attacks the three horny idiots.  The trio take refuge in Kristy's cabin only to find a satanic cult inside...happens.

It seems an old man, Francis (Frankie Ray) is trying to bring his dead wife back and not all is going to plan.  His two kids, the nubile Felicity (Jenna McDonald) and the menacing Philip (Brock Russell) are helping him.  Felicity is trying to put the pages back together of some satanic text.  A ritualistic sacrifice is needed and so is a virgin (good luck finding one). Meanwhile, Kristy, nude, angry, and dripping with blood obviously wants in so she can rip apart everyone in the cabin.  Now Ashley realizes the enormousness of the situation and figures she should help with the blood rite.  She might have decided this too soon as Kristy may not be the only threat to their safety.

The ending will be so gory and may exceed your limits for decency...or indecency.  Will Francis be able to bring his deceased wife back from the dead?  What's the deal with the nude and angry Kristy?  Will either the two babes or the mailman get some pre-marital sex before being sacrificed?  Bloody and extreme...but some of you will like this film a lot.  For a bloody good time, see "Tonight She Comes." 

Monday, October 4, 2021

Monster Hunters, A Feminized Military Tries to Save Mankind

Our buddies at The Asylum have weighed in on what is happening to the U.S. military.  A once proud fighting force is now a PMS laden army in which the soldiers more resemble grouchy United Airlines flight attendants than any John Wayne character.  The last vestiges of the army that beat Hitler are now run by Tom Sizemore.  Today we will look at 2020's "Monster Hunters," (directed by Brendan Pertizzo) and wonder if the Taliban's victory was against a similar force.

A little known army unit is charged with the responsibility of keeping our planet safe from invading aliens and their flying saucers, the Alien Defense Unit (ADU).  The ADU is headed by Col. Mayweather (Sizemore) and his nubile assistant Sgt. Mora (Sharon Desiree).  Mora is a babe and looks great in uniform...but has no role in the movie other than a pretty face.  Okay, an alien prison ship crashes in California's wilderness springing a number of homicidal alien inmate monsters.  The ADU is on it!  Sargent Shepard (Anthony Jensen) leads the unit and is pretty incompetent.  So incompetent that Col. Mayweather sends a bunch of PMS laden army babes to staff the unit...including his replacement, Specialist Stella Fairchild (Connie Jo Sechrist).

The aliens go through the ADU and California's inhabitants like crap through a goose.  Stella wants to communicate with them but this plan quickly goes down the toilet.  Then Bob (Mark Valeriano)...just Bob...rigs some alien like weapons and this kind of evens the score.  The PMS laden soldiers get eaten one by one (literally, know).  Now the geek rank, just Bob...and Stella try to go save Shepherd from an attack.  Stella is armed with...a laptop...don't ask.  As more female soldiers grunt and die, Stella, Bob, and a pesky Shepherd turn the tables on the homicidal and huge aliens.

Will Tom Sizemore get to have pre-marital sex with the nubile Sgt. Mora?  Will the nubile Sgt.Mora rather get eaten (literally) by inmate aliens?  Will Stella's laptop be able to save Shepherd from the hordes of aliens bent on killing him?  Hopefully the Russians and Chinese won't see this film...for if they do...well, we'll be speaking their languages soon.  For some great Syfy (The Asylum) fun, see "Monster Hunters."   

Saturday, October 2, 2021

Turbines, Windmills and Hammers...Really Big Hammers

Okay...all you environmentalists preaching to us about wind it is.  The definitive movie about wind power.  Windmills and their soft comforting whir...they get into our psyche and make us all homicidal lunatics.  We have a good one begins as a slow burn.  Don't believe it.  You'll think it'll have a small death count, no gore, and leave us with an uneasy feeling.  Wrong!  Everyone dies horribly.  The death count will be massive!  Don't fall in love with any of the Australian babes in this film...they'll be mangled and crushed in seconds.  Today we look at 2019's Aussie horror film "Turbines," directed by Shane Borza and Igor Breakenback.

Attila (Breakenback) and his hot wife Jana (Bianca Bradey) arrive in Australia...immigrants from central Europe.  Australia has a program where immigrants are invited in, given jobs, settled in low population areas, and promised citizenship.  Attila's job is to carry a hammer and join Sean (Warren Coulton) in maintaining the grounds around wind turbines.  Easy?  Yep.  Too easy.  Jana is pretty useless but is really good looking and gives Attila some nice marital sex.  Uh oh...the turbines.  They just keep whirring.  As the things work silently, Sean and Attila begin holding their big hammers tighter.  Uh oh again, three babes and one hunk wander into the wilderness to study wind turbines effect on the moods and behaviors of locals.  

As Attila begins a family with Jana, he becomes more distant from her and closer to his...hammer.  Then it happens.  Attila goes stark raving mad.  Those babe college kids...well, they won't have a chance.  That hunk college kid...please!  Attila and his hammer make their way through Australia like crap through a goose.  Cops...doctors...nymphomaniacs...lesbians...local yokels...or, the heart of Australia...all die horribly.  Attila is a man on a mission...but is he alone?

Will the lovely Jana be felled by her husband's hammer?  Is this film a metaphor for the current state of Australia as even the most well-intentioned programs seems to be carrying a once great nation down the drain?  Can the aborigines shed some light on the vicious wrath of the wind gods?  You'll think you are watching a slow stick with this.  The slow burn will burn out and an orgy of murder and madness will carry the bulk of this film.  For a compelling tale of 21st century Australia, see "Turbines."  

Friday, October 1, 2021

Sean Haitz' Cannibal Comedian Kicks off Halloween Month

On October 1, every streaming service will begin focusing on horror films.  The most famous October debut of a horror film occurred 47 years ago with "The Texas Chainsaw Massacre." Early in 2022, this iconic film will be toasted by the release of Sean Haitz's "Cannibal Comedian."  The two films are not unrelated. It is fair to say TCM acted as a heavy influence on Mr. Haitz.  Wit, scares, gore, and over-the-top characters are a trademark on Haitz's films...just as TCM was famous for.  So kick 2022 off by finding "Cannibal Comedian" and even consider viewing it as a double feature with the Tobe Hooper classic.

Theme and plot are celebrated in "Cannibal Comedian," but the homage to "Texas Chainsaw Massacre" is a bit more direct.  Two of the stars of the 1974 scare-fest also appear in Mr. Haitz's film.  Allen Danzinger, who played Jerry in TCM.  Oh yes...and remember the creepy hitchhiker...yep, the guy who sliced his own hand open?  He's in "Cannibal Comedian," too.  Here is a bit of trivia most people don't know.  Mr. Neal's initial scene in the 1974 classic is the only place blood is seen in the film.  Really!  Check it out.  I dare say Sean Haitz will have more blood for us early next year when his 'Cannibal' hits the streaming services.

Oh!  By the way...I interviewed Sean Haitz in the ninth issue of Creator's Unite magazine...find it at this link Sean Haitz Interview .  I know Sean as a man who can make his movies appear as if they had a budget ten times more than what they actually spent.  Sean describes this film, set in the modern American west as one that "...meshes over-the-top humor and rampaging horror at full throttle.  It combines the pure terror of hearing Leatherface's chainsaw with the gut-busting laughs of a classic Jim Carrey film.  Littered with scary, grotesque, and wildly energetic characters, the film is a love letter to horror and stand-up comedy."

So enjoy your 2022 movie watching experience by putting "Cannibal Comedian" on first.  In deference to Tobe Hooper and the iconic masterpiece, I don't think Sean would mind if you used "The Texas Chain Saw Massacre" as an appetizer.  Scream in horror...laugh in horror...and enjoy the "Cannibal Comedian" early next year.