Murder Loves Killers Too, Fun Slasher Fare

It might be fashionable to say you dislike this film...but you'll be lying. There is not any time to hate it...fast-paced would be an understatement and quirky would, too.  A slasher that derives inspiration from Leatherface and Michael Myers has merit...throw in nude nubile babes and clueless hunks...and gory kills...and the last kill!  Yep, you may have seen it all, or so you think.  Be advised, the very last kill in this film will be a first for you.  Let us take a look at 2009's "Murder Loves Killers Too," directed by Drew Barnhardt.

Five great looking babes and hunks drive to an isolated cabin in the woods.  This won't go well.  They, of course, are there for pre-marital sex and for the consumption of adult beverages.  No backstory...no relationship scenes...enter big Stevie (Allen Andrews). He'll take Lindy (Kat Szumski) away so fast, none of her buddies will see it. What will Stevie do to the nubile, though totally insane, babe? A fate worse than death.  Stevie goes through these hunks and babes like crap through a goose. Tamra (Mary LeGault) will have time for pre-marital sex on the pool table with Brian (Scott Nadler) before they meet horrific blade deaths.  This all happens early on and most of the film is devoted to Stevie pursuing 'final girl' Aggie (Christine Haeberman).

Stevie loves meat hooks, big knives, and necrophilia with dead babes.  This will all be explained in an eerily rational scene.  We like Aggie...though all we know about her is that she is a bartender.  Aggie is chased, captured, and taunted.  She'll escape a time or two and will be horrified to find out what Stevie wants to do with her. Now that death is not the worst thing in the world, Aggie must escape her binds and flee into the woods to avoid what Stevie has planned.  Whether Aggie is able to do that...no spoilers here. The nubile Aggie will look so good in peril as she sports a nightgown and an attitude. Oh yes...the film changes direction in the last 15 minutes...don't be fooled...the last minute will be shocking, refreshing, and high-energy.

What does Stevie have planned for Aggie?  What did Stevie do to the corpses of Aggie's friends?  Is it scary that the lack of character development of these babes and hunks doesn't matter to us? A great looking cast, a quirky slasher, and a kill you have never seen before...yep, enjoy "Murder Loves Killers Too."

The Zero Boys, The Sultry Kelly Maroney Dodges Crossbows and Machetes

Growing up in the 80s meant one thing...Kelli Maroney was your fantasy girlfriend. The nubile and perky blonde Uzi wielding cheerleader was everything a teen boy could desire. Cult favorites like "Fast Times at Ridgemont High" and "Night of the Comet" left us teens breathless and desiring...at least in out fantasy worlds. The thought anyone could seek to rip her apart with a machete or impale her using a crossbow would've been too horrifying to imagine. Hence 1986's "The Zero Boys," directed by Nico Mastorakis is our feature today.

Three hunks, Steve (Daniel Hirsch), Rip (Jared Moses), and Larry (Tom Shell) have just beaten some neo Nazis at a survival game championship. Good news for Steve...he wagered the lead neo Nazi and the winner gets Jamie (Maroney). Uh oh...this is news to Jamie and she ends up in the trio's car along with two more babes, Trish (Crystal Carson) and Sue (Nicole Rio). As the three babes bicker and Jamie keeps looking put off by her new brute date, the six head deep in the wilderness.  Uh oh...Jamie sees a naked babe running for her life. The gang pulls over...bad move...to investigate. A storm arises and the six find shelter holed up in an apparently empty cabin. Weird things begin happening and Trish sees someone peering at her and Larry during pre-marital sex.

Now the hunks investigate the property and find a makeshift torture chamber next door where snuff films are made. Uh oh...Trish is seized by a fiend hiding in the bathtub. Now Trish is tortured, humiliated, and prepped to be a star in the next snuff film.  The guys man up and grab weapons and act macho. The gals bicker and scream at every corpse that pops up...women! The bad guys also have weapons...crossbows and machetes.  The guys concoct a bad escape plan which the fiendish hunters were banking on. Boobie traps...explosives...electricity...arrows...and machineguns will rule the second half of the film. The trio of babes will look wonderful as they are afraid and beset. The deaths will be excruciating...you'll see.

Do any of the hunks and babes have what it takes to survive this wilderness game of life and death? Will Kelli Maroney's charm and sex appeal pull her out of this mess?  Just who are these fiendish backwoods snuff film makers?  This film will remind you of one of the "Friday the 13th" sequels and "Deliverance." For some neat 1980s slasher fare featuring the nubile Kelli Maroney...see "The Zero Boys."   

Dead of Winter, Slasher Shreds Geocachers

Geocaching...yawn!!! Okay, here's a confession...hunting, motorcycles, and geocaching bore me to death. Whenever the conversation switches to one of these three subjects I dive into my iPhone and play with an imaginary app. The only thing that could make geocaching mildly interesting is if there were a psycho gutting and decapitating the Geocachers.  Today we look at 2014's "Dead of Winter," directed by Robert Rice.

Ex-con, the barely sober John (Damon Runyon) lands a gig driving a school bus into the wilderness so a bunch of geocache contestants can compete in a contest for big bucks. His boring ex-GF Eve (Lisa Marcos) is one of them, as his her recent boring BF Marcus (Morgan Kelly). Also aboard are two boring lesbians (Allison Dawn Doiron and Holly Uloth), the obnoxious but likeable Bradik (James Wallis), and the lurid old guy Ben (John Boylan). There are a few others but they'll be decapitated very early. The nerds head into the wilderness and John stays with the bus to drink beer. Immediately, the first geocache nerd is felled by a boobie trap as the school bus mysteriously explodes. Now the geocache concept is getting mildly interesting.

Ben tells his folks about torturing chickens and Bradik harasses the lesbians.  The lesbians bicker and Eve gives John mixed signals as her new BF tries to protect his turf.  Perhaps they should've paid more attention to their recently decapitated pal as disembowelment and severed limbs await more of the gang. Now they're on the run through the woods but soon figure out that they are either being hunted or are being toyed with by a member of the group.  As Bradik insults the nerds more...we begin to like him more. Now John and Eve seem to rekindle the spark they had for each other  and the lesbians will die oh so horribly.  The nerds seem helpless and are obviously being toyed with.

Who is hunting the geocache contestants and does Ben's proclivity to glorify chicken torture have any relevance to the story? When Geocache nerds are not Geocaching...do they hang out at Star Trek conventions?  The kills are gory and some of the characters are quite good. For a bloody good time with disembowelment, severed limbs, and a decapitation or two...see "Dead of Winter."

Vampire in Vegas, Vampires and Silicone Implants

Tony Todd as a menacing vampire bent on the conquest of the world! I know...why would he want this screwed up place? Also, a lot of vampire babe action in which the vamps have fangs and impressive breast implants highlight this horror film.  It is Las Vegas...the sin capital of the world where materialism and phony boobs rule the day. Today's feature is 2009's "Vampire in Vegas, directed by Jim Wynorski. B movie queen Melissa Brasselle also graces us in this as a vamp with a proclivity to engage in cat-fights...yes!!!

Sylvian (Todd) is a centuries old vampire who comes to Vegas with the hopes of world conquest. We kind of have that anyway with the way the world is being run with figurative vampires...but, never mind.  He co-opts the assistance of babe doctor, Dr. VanHelm (Delia Sheppard). VanHelm is charged with creating a serum to make Sylvian immune to sunlight.  She tests her serum on babe vamps with little success. Meanwhile, Jason (Edward Spivak) is dragged to Vegas by his two buddies for a bachelor party weekend. His sweet GF Rachel (Sonya Joy Sims) and her buxom BF Nikki (Brandin Rackley) follow in order to catch them in 'the act.' VanHelms experiments leave several babe vamps melted in the desert and now the sultry Detective O'Hara (GiGi Erneta) and the witty Detective Stanton (Ted Monte) are on the case.

As the two detectives are on the case, this will leave plenty of opportunity for the buxom babes of this film, O'Hara, VanHelm, and vamp Shayla (Brasselle)  to have some gratuitous cat-fights. Poor Rachel and Nikki...Sylvian captures them and Nikki is turned. Now Sylvian holds Rachel hostage with the intention of turning her and luring Jason into a trap.  See, Jason has the exact blood type VanHelm needs to complete her serum. O'Hara is fast figuring this whole thing out and she will turn on her sex appeal and jiggle her implants in order to get to the bottom of this vampire conspiracy. As the buxom babes fall horribly, and the buxom detective shows us some nice tight cop-get ups...Sylvian moves closer to being able to walk the streets during the day.

If a vamp drinks silicone will her boobs...actually, never mind.  Will Jason be able to free Rachel before she becomes a silicone implant vampire? Is Tony Todd's Sylvian a preferable choice to run the world than the garbage we have now (Soros, Bezos, Gates, etc.)? This is a gratuitous one and if you are into extreme boob jobs, I don't know who would be, this is the film for you.  See "Vampire in Vegas" for a toothy and prurient good time.

Jack the Ripper, Nubile Dancehall Girls Die Horribly

Solving crimes a hundred or so years after everyone involved has died is a dubious business.  Crime shows on A&E, Discovery or The History Channel have so many documentaries on who the real Jack the Ripper was.  Keep in mind...hundred year old DNA is worthless no matter what the 'experts' claim. In 2021 we do not know Jack the Ripper's identity. The killings most likely ended when the killer died. From England, 1959's "Jack the Ripper," directed by Robert S. Baker and Monty Berman, is our feature today.

Atmospheric and lurid, this film is a lost jewel.  On foggy and damp nights, dancehall girls foolishly walking alone at night are met by a weird caped maniac.  He asks them if they are 'Mary Clarke' and then guts them.  Some of the murders are heartbreaking as we get to know some of the victims. Even some clean-cut babes are felled by the lunatic.  City Hall is putting much pressure on Inspector O'Neill (Eddie Byrne) to solve the murders. Out of nowhere, his old American pal, police detective Sam Lowry (Lee Patterson) arrives and assists in the investigation. As erotic and loud dancehall scenes play before our eyes, more English babes are gutted. 

You know the Jack the Ripper legend so I will not bother with you with any more plot. Also in this film is a mysterious and unbalanced surgeon, Dr. Tranter (John Le Mesurier). He just happens to be in the vicinity of many of the killings. His beautiful daughter Anne (Betty McDowell) has just taken employment at the same hospital and has also caught the eye of Sam. Sam and Anne grow sweet on one another to the disapproval of Tranter.  More fog...more gutting...and now the cops have a witness.  Sam and O'Neill race to find the identity of Mary Clarke. Unfortunately the answer to that mystery will put Anne in mortal danger. As the beautiful die horribly, Sam and O'Neill get closer to trapping Jack the Ripper...but will it be in time to save the nubile Anne?

Forget what you have heard from modern day 'crime experts.' Jack the Ripper was not royalty and was not a bloke who fled to Illinois. Sorry to burst your bubble. Just why is Dr. Tranter so close to many of the murder scenes? Who is Mary Clarke and why is her identity such a threat to Anne? Did the Jack the Ripper legend eventually inspire Giallo and the concept of the beautiful dying horribly in horror films? You will feel the chill and the fog and smell the cheap perfume of the dancing girl victims in this film. For a thought provoking film about a horrific historical figure, see "Jack the Ripper." 

Death Spa, Aerobic Babes Shredded by Babe Ghost

Remember those aerobic babes from the 1980s? Tight and shiny satin leotards in bright colors graced VHS videos and morning exercise shows. Who can forget Kiana Tom's "Flex Appeal"? Nubile and perky, these babes jumped around and contorted in ways to make all our juices flow.  The slasher film "Aerobicide" (aka "Killer Workout") capitalized on this phenomenon as many of these beauties died horribly. A very erotic slasher film, it was...so why not rip it off? Well, 1989's "Death Spa" is the rip-off of "Aerobicide." Keep in mind, rip-offs are not always unneeded or unwanted. The gratuitous scenes...whether they be in the shower, tanning bed, exercise floor, locker room, or swimming pool all serve to provide the cinema we expect from our 1980s slasher films.

Blonde and naked beauty Laura (Brenda Bakke) has a mishap in the sauna. She gets locked in and scolded by a chlorine gas.  She'll recover and convalesce with her stud BF, the club manager Michael (William Bumiller). Backstory, Michael's wife, Catherine (Shari Shattuck) died a year ago after going mad and self immolating...messy. Now Catherine's twin brother David (Merritt Butrick), who runs the club's computer system, is upset Michael has shacked up with another babe. Beauties begin to fall in horrible fashion at the spa...Marci will be impaled and Linda will have her skinned burned off by acid...such a pity. Now the police are investigating and the suspects are numerous.

Michael begins getting supernatural messages from Catherine and is convinced she is back wreaking havoc on aerobic babes.  He calls in a paranormal investigator (Joseph Whipp) to check out his club. This won't go well. Now even hunks are getting ripped apart while exercising and the club's epic Mardi Gras party is coming up fast. Leotard beauties will dance...shower...jump around...and flirt as the carnage increases.  Now the supernatural element seems to increase as the club's computer system that controls everything electronic is co-opted by Catherine's spirit.

Bring back those shiny and tight aerobic leotards!  Health spas have been taken over by Silver Sneakers and classes for pregnant moms (gag me with a spoon!). Is Catherine's spirit really responsible for the shredding of the beautiful?  Is Catherine's twin, David, involved?  Does anyone seriously believe 21st century Yoga babes can compete with 1980s aerobic babes? Directed by Michael Fischa, "Death Spa" is a gratuitous and vicious horror film that may help you shed a few pounds.

Slayer, Jungle Vampires

We all remember Jennifer O'Dell from "The Lost World." Hot blonde, usually sweating, prancing around in an animal skin bikini, finding danger and mutants in the jungle. Well get this...Jennifer O'Dell as a sweaty blonde beauty, traipsing through the jungle, being lusted after by a vampire tribe.  I admit, the film is subpar, but seeing Jennifer O'Dell sweat in the jungle, sometimes in states of undress...well, that redeems this film. Oh yeah...Lynda Carter looking good as an army colonel carrying a gun that shoots miniature wooden stakes...priceless. Today we look at 2006's "Slayer," directed by Kevin VanHook.

A secret army platoon (probably CIA) is doing maneuvers in the Amazon (probably looking for weapons of mass destruction). Hawk (Casper Van Dien) leads his men into an ambush where many are killed by jungle vampires.  Back in the states, Lynda Carter, his Colonel, is suspicious of his claims, but sends Hawk and his team back.  Meanwhile the jungle vampires which include the sultry and sweaty vamp Estrella (Joyce Giraud) keep marauding villages.  Hawk's new mission...I'm not sure, but it develops into a search for his ex-wife, the sultry scientist Laurie (O'Dell). After a nice cat-fight with Estrella the vamp, Laurie catches the eye of vampire king Javier (Tony Plana). He seeks her for a bride...who wouldn't? Laurie will sweat a lot and give us a nice underwear scene.

Hawk and his men return to the jungle. Native, Montegna (Danny Trejo), guides them upriver. Along the way Hawk's platoon finds the bloody remains of torn apart villagers. There will be a couple more cat-fights between Laurie and Estrella as Javier lures Hawk and his men to the vampire cave.  Laurie is prepped in a white gown suitable for a bride and Estrella is obviously jealous at her ability to accessorize. Now a climactic battle will be fought for the sweaty and sultry Laurie's affections...and for the direction of the free world.

This film, whatever its shortcomings, has Jennifer O'Dell in it looking really good...and sweating. Will Estrella learn fashionable accessorizing techniques from Laurie or will they just go on cat-fighting? Is this film a metaphor for all the useless CIA secret ops in countries where we should never be in the first place? Are there any female US Army officers who look as good as Lynda Carter does in this film? See "Slayer," and enjoy the sweaty sights.

Beyond White Space, Moby Dick in Space

Okay...this film which is, basically, Moby Dick in space has some problems. We won't go into those. I will focus on the good...and there are redeeming qualities that make 2018's "Beyond White Space" (directed by Ken Locsmandi) a worth while watch. Spacebabes and a really neat behemoth space creature...enough said. Herman Melville never gave us those! 

24 years after his dad was killed by a giant space dragon, Captain Bentley (Holt McCallany) captains a fishing vessel into the edge of the galaxy. Fishing in space? Yep...these giant bugs that are creepy apparently make good food and they bound from asteroid to asteroid. His real target is the behemoth dragon who killed his dad.  Also on board, undercover, is the nubile and ravishing Lynn (Zulay Henao).  She needs to get to white space...the area beyond the end of the galaxy. Why does she need to get there? Something about a terminal illness...this is of no importance as she sweats nicely and is spunky.  The other sweaty sultry spacebabes on board are the pilot, Ragsland (Tiffany Brouwer) and cook/psycho Batali (Kodi Kitchen).  Batali is a nymphomaniac and has a lot of pre-marital sex.

Okay...it is the Moby Dick story so enough of the plot.  Hauling in space bugs, an accident happens.  Some get loose and infest mechanic Stubbs (Dave Sheridan).  Alas, this will spell a sad fate for one of our beauties.  Bentley becomes obsessed with the behemoth that killed his dad and he endangers the crew in the pursuit.  Now some of the space bugs get really big once loose on the spaceship and chase sweaty spacebabes.  Who can blame them?  There will be more deviant sex, babes in peril, and an attacking monster twice as big as Godzilla. Many will meet excruciating fates and not all the spacebabes will fare well...so sad.  

Will Captain Bentley have a better fate than Melville's Captain Ahab?  Would more school children have been interested in reading Moby Dick if Herman Melville threw in some sweaty sea babes?   Are behemoth space dragons a metaphor for America's failed space program under NASA?  Look for the beauty in the swamp...as well as sweaty spacebabes and giant monsters, and you will enjoy "Beyond White Space."  

The Monster of Camp Sunshine, Nudity! Nudity! Nudity! And a Monster

We don't have enough films about monsters terrorizing nudist colonies.  Do we really need another stupid superhero film when the aforementioned plot device goes largely unexplored? A nubile blonde nurse in white (when she is clothed) and a sultry fashion model team up to take all their clothes off and fight a hideous creature...yes! Today we look at 1964's "The Monster of Camp Sunshine or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love Nature," directed by Ferenc Leroget.

Two sultry babes share a New York City apartment.  Marta (Sally Parfait) is a beautiful nurse and Claire (Deborah Spray) is a high priced fashion model.  Marta goes to work for her mad scientist boss, Dr. Harrison (James Gatsby) and is attacked by lab rats.  She is in hysterics as she almost dies.  Claire poses nicely and is asked by the photographer Ken (Ron Cheney) to pose in a topless swimsuit for a men's magazine.  This draws the disapproval for Ken's beautiful secretary, Laurie (Angela Evans). Claire determines that she and Marta need to get away for a while.  Marta is a nudist and gets Claire hooked on "nudism." The duo head to Camp Sunshine with Ken and Laurie in tow.

Marta and Claire will have so many nude scenes. Susanna (Natalie Drest) runs the camp.  Uh oh, the formula Dr. Harrison was working on is dumped in the river and Hugo (Harrison Pebbles) finds it.  Hugo is the gardener at Camp Sunshine.  He drinks it and turns into a brute monster.  Now he is chasing beautiful nude babes around with an axe.  The babes will run, jiggle, and jump when they are not sunbathing or skinny-dipping. Now Laurie is under Camp Sunshine's spell and strips to go skinny-dipping.  Hugo's hormones are raging and he has his sights set on Laurie, Marta, and Claire (as do we).  The three nude babes will run and jiggle some more.  Now Dr. Harrison races to the camp to save his nurse, Marta. Ken finds dynamite, a machinegun, and a pistol. The men will seek to kill Hugo.

The nudity in this 1964 film is gratuitous.  Even scenes that take place in the city are filled with gratuitous stripping, or putting on lingerie scenes.  Will Hugo catch one of the nudists and if so...what will he do with her?  Will the nudists engage in a cat-fight or a splashing match while skinny-dipping? Can one blame the monster Hugo for going after the nude nurse, fashion model, or nude secretary? As a war on beauty is being raged in the 21st century, it is nice to see a film that celebrates a woman's beauty. For a gratuitous good time see "The Monster of Camp Sunshine or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love Nature."     

Yeti: Giant of the 20th Century, The Italians do King Kong

The Italians are masters of the rip-offs. "Alien," "Jaws," "Dawn of the Dead" …and they do it well.  How about "King Kong" you ask?  Yep! Today we look at an Italian film shot in Toronto in which a behemoth hairy ape thing grabs a nubile babe and climbs to the top of the city. 1977's "Yeti: Giant of the 20th Century" (directed by Gianfranco Parolini) is our feature today.

A discovery in northern Canada's ice! A 20 foot (or maybe 50 foot, depending on which scene of the film we're watching) ape man (Mimmi Crao). A huge drilling corporation headed by oil magnate/promoter Morgan Hunnicut (Edoardo Faleta) sees instant marketing opportunity for this pre-historic giant. He summons old pal, scientist Professor Wasserman (John Stacy) to head operations on its recovery. Wasserman ups the ante...he thinks he can bring it back to life. This is good news for the under-loved Euro-babe Jane (Antonella Interlenghi)…who is at the site because she's hot and pouts a lot. After some electrodes are put in strategic places, our ape-man wakes and screams. First he screams in anger, then he sees Jane and screams at...I don't know, lost opportunity, perhaps?

Okay...the thing breaks loose from its straps and cage, grabs the Italian hottie and scampers in the wilderness to...well...to get to know Jane better. He's captured again, brought to Toronto to be exhibited at some World's Fair type gala...and then escapes again. When Jane gets trapped in a crowd, he rescues her and goes to old Exhibition Stadium (where the Blue Jays first played). Now Jane loves the big ape-man...probably not because of his wonderful head of hair, either. Goons and thugs try to pin some murders on the beast and now the cops are ordered to kill him. Jane pouts some more and looks like an Alberto VO5 commercial and tries to save the monster.  Now the ape-man saves dogs, little children, and nubile Euro-babes while trying to escape greedy humans.

What does Jane hope for in her relationship with the 50 foot macho monster? Okay, stupid question. Is this film an answer to Canada's inferiority complex in not having a King Kong legend or an Empire State Building phallic symbol in their largest city? Is the recently erected CN Tower in Toronto in response to this film? Fun, syrupy sweet, and way too corny, enjoy "Yeti: Giant of the 20th Century" and imagine how Sigmund Freud would have analyzed this film.

Comic Review, Chronicles of Horror vol. 1 by Matthew Myers

Voodoo, slashers, shapeshifters, and graveyards...the stuff true horror is made of. In four short microbursts of fear, Matthew Myers has given us a wonderfully and eerily illustrated series of horror stories that conjure up classic scares.  Eerie, menacing and ominous are the voyages we embark on in perusing through this graphic work.  Startling monsters and spooky settings come at us in full color in imagery that jumps off the pages into our minds.  Mr. Myers tells me this is only volume one, and number two is being created as you read this.

The four stories in this work are brief in length but your mind will continue thinking about them as you turn out the bedroom lights tonight. The cemetery setting and ghoulish nature of the plot for "The Early Grave" could very well have been a story in the old "Tales from the Crypt" comic book.  Perhaps, on the surface, a basic blood curdling story of the dangers an old graveyard yields...but absolutely this one taps on fears we all may feel when we drive by those old homes of the dead on dark nights. From a selfish point of view, I love babes in my horror.  They are here. Our two gals in "Samantha" are nubile and ravishing...thanks to some wonderful artwork. Of course, what they're up to is something that all you occultists can identify with.  No spoilers here...read the book.

In a story that may be about shapeshifters, werewolves, or gargoyle creatures, what exactly happens in the end may be a point of great debate.  Not for me...I figure two babe nurses in white are in great danger...see what you think after you read "The Invaders."  Of course, I'm heavily influenced by my love for Giallo films. Slasher fans will grab right onto the menacing settings that await a repairman in "Broken Elevator." What is your favorite slasher weapon?  You'll probably see it here.

Blood...murder...nubile babes...monsters..."Chronicles of Horror, vol. 1" has it all.  You writers out there will be inspired as Matthew Myers gives you some great ideas in picture and story in this book. Kudos to some great illustrators; Adam Willis, Abel Gonzalez, Ian Miller, and Hector Borerro all do a bloody good job. I eagerly await volume two, but until then, all classic horror fans will join me in enjoying this one.

Check out Chronicles of Horror at seernovacomics.com

Halloween Party, Demonic Disfigured Ghouls Behaving Badly

"Halloween 3: Season of the Witch" may be the most unfairly misjudged horror film of all time.  The 1982 horror film is most known as the 'Halloween' film without Michael Myers. One wonders the reception it would've received if it were never marketed  as a 'Halloween' film. Almost 40 years later...we have 2019's "Halloween Party," which is not about a Halloween party...well, it is, but not the kind of party you are thinking. College hunks and babes will be put in much peril and many will die horribly...and yes...this is the first movie ever about vagina spiders.  Directed by Jay Dahl, if you listen closely, you will be able to hear the Silver Shamrock jingle in the back of your head.

Grace (Amy Groening) is a college student in Nova Scotia...and a babe.  Her babe dorm neighbor Zoe (Marietta Laan) and her receive a computer meme featuring Halloween images and a question, "What is your greatest fear?" Zoe answers truthfully...vagina spiders. Zoe wants to show Grace what happens if you don't answer...a witch pops up threatening that you will die by your greatest fear.  Later that night, Zoe dies horribly by her greatest fear. Now Grace is obsessed on finding out exactly what happened to Zoe and enlists the help of computer nerd Spencer (T. Thomason). The meme seems to attach itself to Grace's files and shows up on the computers of more students. Some die horribly within the hour.

Spencer realizes fast there is something weird about this meme. He and grace research the school and find that her dorm is built on the site of an old hospital for terminally ill children.  More specifically, terminally ill children who were horribly disfigured, turned demonic, and died in a suicide pact after mastering computers. The dead children are back and they want something.  Grace and Spencer realize their number is up and we wonder if we will see arachnids crawling out of Grace's...well, you know. Obnoxious frat boys will meet these boys and it will be quite grotesque.  Uh oh...our duo think they know what the kids want and how to stop them...but do they?

So what exactly about vagina spiders is obsessing Grace? Will Spencer and Grace fall in love and if so will Spencer be able to...well, never mind.  Are vagina spiders a metaphor for what the misogynistic Canadian culture desires to inflict on its women?  This is a good one and the interplay between Spencer and Grace is magnificent.  The chills are icky and the final scene is quite epic.  For a surprisingly horrific and good film, see "Halloween Party."

 

Cruel Jaws, An Italian Jaws Rip-Off

Okay...yep it is a rip-off...so what?! Look at it this way..."Jaws" had the story of the USS Indianapolis, which was sunk just after delivering the bomb. 1995's "Cruel Jaws" (directed by Bruno Mattei) has the USS Cleveland which was sunk delivering a secret weapon...a genetically engineered shark programmed to eat the enemy.  "Jaws" had a score by John Williams.  "Cruel Shark" has the "Star Wars" score...really. Both films claim to have been based on Peter Benchley's novel.  Before you "Jaws" enthusiasts write off this Italian rip-off, "Cruel Jaws" does have tons of bikini babes, jiggling a lot, and dying horribly. Enough said. 

Divers exploring the Cleveland wreck are eaten by a monster Tiger shark. No great loss. Sheriff Francis (David Luther) finds a washed up corpse and labels it a boat propeller accident. The coroner corrects him..."This was no boat propeller accident!" Yes! Now the shark moves into the resort community of Hampton Bay where bikini babes frolic, fall in love, and die horribly. Developer Samuel Lewis (George Barnes, Jr.) wants the beaches to remain open (imagine that). We also meet Vanessa (Norma J. Neshelm) early...quite the babe. She'll suck face with a few men, take care of a handicapped kid, and get eaten. No great significance to her character, but boy could she model bikinis and other exotic swimwear.

Dag Snerensen (Richard Dew) runs a Sea World type of park which has two annoying dolphins and a stupid seal. He is at war with the Samuel. Samuel has a babe daughter, Gloria (Natasha Etzer) who sucks face a lot and frolics in bikinis. She is in love with Dag's son...who is beefy.  Anyway, the regatta commences, the shark eats it and the Sheriff goes hunting for it in a helicopter...bad idea. Dag and his family also set sail to find the shark.  In this film, anyone looking for the shark in this ocean, finds it right away. I didn't even mention Glenda (Sky Palma) who dies horribly hunting the shark but not before showing off some very alluring bikinis and other ocean attire. If it jiggles in this film...it'll die horribly either by teeth or fire.

Will the love affair between Brody's wife and Hooper be included in this film? Does this film minimize the real threat of boat propellers?  Why don't history classrooms in the U.S. public schools teach about the tragedy of the USS Cleveland? Hey...it is a Bruno Mattei film with bad dubbing and jiggling bikini babes...enjoy! For an alluring and cheap good time, see "Cruel Jaws." 

Haunting on Fraternity Row, Frat Boys and Sorority Chicks Die Horribly

Hunk fraternity guys behaving badly with sultry sorority chicks...standard stuff. We have to give this film credit, the cast is terrific looking and the women in bikinis are potentially all calendar models. No charity car washes here...or volunteering at the food bank...or 5Ks for cancer...nope.  In this one our college kids go full force into alcohol consumption, marijuana, deviant pre-marital sex, and any other reason for nudity. Oh sure...a demon will join the festivities and many of the beautiful will die horribly, but not before some gratuitous misbehaving action. Today we look at 2018's "Haunting on Fraternity Row," directed by Brent Sersen.

We get a lot of character development. This is fine since that character development usually involves deviant behavior and gratuitous bikini action. Jayson (Jacob Artist) heads the fraternity having its annual luau.  This is the most coveted party on campus.  Liza (Claudia Lee) heads a sorority and she is a real doll. Liza's beau is Grant (Cameron Moulene), and he is rich and quite the beefcake. Then there is Dougie (Ashton Moio). Dougie figures out the house is occupied by a dangerous demon, but no one will believe him.  The boys accidentally discover a weird hidden room in the basement. With a little research, Dougie finds out about a mass murder that happened there...the satanic ritualistic sacrifice kind.

The luau begins and the bikini babes arrive.  The homicidal demon is accidentally summoned and it begins its possession and murder. Dames will be possessed and have their eyes gouged out during pre-marital sex...and guys too.  Grant will cheat on Liza with rival sorority chick, Kate (Melissa Saint-Amand). Kate will die horribly.  The traditional threesome with Tanner (Jayson Blair) will end badly for some sultry babes clad in blue bikinis. Oh yes, Jayson will begin a sweet relationship with kind of clean-cut Claire (Shanley Caswell).  More deviant pre-marital sex will occur and more eye gouging deaths, too. As the beautiful fall and Jayson and Claire continue making goo-goo eyes at one another, the demon gets more empowered. But wait! Babe housekeeper, Daphne (Stephanie Honore) arrives...and she knows what is going on.

Just who is this Daphne babe and will she get rid of the demon or strip and engage in pre-marital sex?  Will Jayson and Claire's sweetness allow them to survive the demon's wrath? Is this film a blunt metaphor of the misogyny and deviance of the American university system that purports to empower women? This is a deviant one with so much cheesecake and beefcake eye candy.  Take the film for what it is...a gratuitous attempt to tickle your prurient interests. See "Haunting on Fraternity Row," and enjoy some deviance and oily bikini babe action.

An American Werewolf in Paris, A Werewolf and a Euro-Babe

Okay, this one isn't as famous as "An American Werewolf in London," but is just as good.  The musical score may be heavier and there is no gratuitous shower scene with Jenny Agutter, but the 'Paris' version has a babe-werewolf (Euro-Babe-werewolf, actually) and some outstanding action and massacre scenes. Today we look at 1997's "An American Werewolf in Paris," directed by Anthony Waller.  I admit...this one is corny and sometimes syrupy sweet...but the kills and werewolves are nice. 

Three American twenty-somethings sneak into the Eiffel Tower just after closing. Andy (Tom Everett Scott) seeks to bungy jump off it.  The blokes are interrupted as a Euro-Babe, Serafine (Julie Delpy) also sneaks in to commit suicide. Andy takes one look at the beauty and is in love. She jumps and so does Andy. Andy saves her life and now a twisted love story begins. After Serafine runs off, Andy is infatuated and manages to track her down...to a Paris mansion.  She begs him to leave her alone for his own good. She is also seen dressed as a nurse in white, stealing human hearts from a hospital.  Andy won't take no for an answer and draws the attention of head-werewolf, Claude (Pierre Cosso).

Claude lures the three Americans to a party with the promise that Serafine will be there.  It's a trap and the guests are lured there so the werewolves can feed on them. A massacre scene ensues, one of Andy's buddies is torn to shreds and Andy is bitten. Now Andy is one of them and Serafine saves him from Claude. The two fall in love and will end up naked in bed while the mangled corpse of Serafine's mom watches with disgust. Serafine wants to save Andy and tells him how that can be done.  The werewolves, meanwhile, plan world conquest. Now Andy puts all his efforts to saving Serafine from a lifetime of lycanthropy and Serafine tries to protect Andy from the werewolf horde that seeks to eat him.

The massacre scenes are quite good and Serafine is a terrific Euro-Babe.  Andy's kills, which include Julie Bowen as an American slut, are terrific as they come back as the undead to convince Andy to kill himself.  Is the new world order of werewolves a good metaphor for what has happened to this planet over the past few decades?  Is Serafine's attraction to Andy a slight against wimpy French men? Is a world run by werewolves preferable than what we have now? It is so nice to see a movie about a Euro-Babe werewolf without an underlying theme of PMS.  For a great time and an excuse to tell your buddies you enjoyed a French film...see "An American Werewolf in Paris." 

A Dark Path, Nubile Sisters vs. Toothy Monster

It is too bad there won't be a lot of love for this film.  IMDB rates it a 2.4/10.  So right away, I was in. The last twenty minutes of this film is so beautiful.  Horror fans...Bigfoot fans...Werewolf fans...its all here.  What kind of monster we're talking about...this isn't certain.  The aforementioned creatures could lay claim to the toothy beast that will try to eat two nice looking sisters.  Eventually you will get a good look at it and toothy may be an understatement.  Let us look at 2020's "A Dark Place," directed by Nicholas Winter.

A hen party! To you stupid Americans...think bachelorette party.  Two sisters, the older one Abi (Makenna Guyler) and the free-spirited Lilly (Mari Beaseley) check into a hotel to attend the party.  Wild times...some illegal drugs and a lot of alcohol.  Abi appears to be a prude and refrains from bad behavior.  Lilly partakes with glee.  The next day they must hop into a car and drive to the airport.  Lilly still hung over and Abi disapproving of her sister's carefree attitude.  Then they get lost.  No cell signal.  When the car breaks down, the two pretty sisters are stranded in some remote and strange woods.

It'll all go south from here.  The two sisters share a moment and the reason for Abi's prudish attitude is shockingly explained.  Too late, Lilly goes missing. Abi must now search for her sister. She'll find Hanna (Thomasin Lockwood). The gal has been attacked by something.  Now Abi realizes she and Hanna are being hunted.  When Hanna is taken by a monster, Abi figures she will be taken to where Lilly is.  Abi follows and finds the torn up survivors of the monster attack.  The thing will feed and she will also see some of the survivors eaten.  Abi must act fast to save Lilly...and maybe more of the survivors. What follows is monstrous and horrific.

The ending will be controversial...half of you will love it and half will hate it.  I loved it.  So there...you stupid elitists at IMDB!  Will Abi save Lilly?  What exactly is this toothy monster and where did it come from?  Can anything good come from babes getting wasted at some stupid and immature party?  The final 20 minutes of this film are terrific.  For a surprising good time, and a tender story of two sisters meeting a monster...see "A Dark Place."