Monday, May 29, 2023

VampyrZ on a Boat, Love at First Sight and Fangs

I know this film will not get a lot of love...but it is a lot better than than the most recent 'Indiana Jones" monstrosity. Loops are not for everyone...but this one will provide a lot of imaginative gore, some nubile babes falling victim to vampires, and some terrific kills. Sure, we don't have a woke-checklist checked off...but that is caused for celebration.  Today we look at 2022's "VampyrZ on a Boat," directed by Mark Allen Michaels.

Deep in the bowels of an underground laboratory, the experiment gets out.  Now the experiment is transferred to a large research ship heading out to sea.  Del (Curt Lambert) heads security for the vessel and hires his buddy Max (Dallas Valdez) to provide the security.  Max is a retired CIA spook.  Max is hesitant about accepting the position until he sees Sara (Carrie Keagan).  He falls instantly in love with Sara...probably because she has great, she has a big smile. to sea.  Instantly Sara and Max have pre-marital sex...and the experiment on the boat gets loose.  The experiment?  A 1,000 year old vampire king (Kendall Wells) who never gets sick and is indestructible. The scientists hope to study the toothy creature so they can cure illness and death...always a good idea.

Sadly, Sara is bitten and taken by the vampire after it massacres much of the crew...limbs and internal organs everywhere.  Now Max and Del seek to rescue Sara...even though she is not the same Sara that just nailed Max.  Max is bitten several times and seemingly mortally wounded during these rescue attempts...but heals fast.  Even after being killed...he pops back to life.  Now the scientists on the vessel wonder why Max is not infected and why he does not die.  Meanwhile, the vampire king now has half the crew as his vampire slaves.  Max and Del plod through the ship seemingly eternally unsuccessful in their rescue attempts. Early on we see that Max and Del are reliving their initial rescue attempts, and each subsequent time, are able to correct the errors of the previous one.

Why doesn't Max get infected or stay dead?  Is Sara better off as the slave of the vampire king than with this CIA spook who may be a monster, himself?  What will happen if this vessel reaches land?  Quirky and gory, "VampyrZ on a Boat" is a good watch, especially on a Friday night monster movie night.  By the way...stay for the end credits...just saying.

Saturday, May 27, 2023

Casting Kill, Audition For Death

We look at a weird one today that might be better suited for a stage play.  Still, it is stylish and can boast of a great looking cast.  You think Harvey Weinstein was bad...well, see this film and realize the dirty old man may have gone easy on the actresses he preyed on.  Today we look at 2023's "Casting Kill," directed by James Smith.

Arthur Capstone (Rob Laird) is an imposter. He is masquerading as a casting agent trying to find actors and actresses for a major Hollywood production.  The seemingly refined, but slimy fiend lures young talent to his flat in the same neighborhood Jack the Ripper plied his trade.  Arthur is a killer...a perverted one with mommy issues.  He steals cash and credit cards, and then the identities, of the actors who come see him.  Oh yes...the lovely actresses.  Many times, the beast strangles them to death and cuts their toes off.  Arthur enjoys sucking on the severed toes.  Then the handsome and confident Dom (Jack Forsyth-Noble) shows up to audition.  He is not intimidated by the phony Arthur.  Then Ruby (Rachel Chima) arrives.  The babe is desperate for a role and when her money and card are stolen, she insists on Arthur returning them.

Now Dom and Ruby team up to figure out exactly what this casting agent is up to.  They discover some bizarre things about him.  After hours he dresses in drag and pretends to be a long deceased belle du jour actress.  They also bag his place and find the toes and jewelry belonging to actresses that have visited.  Watching out for one another, the pair arrange for call-backs and further snoop.  Now Arthur is aware these two present a danger to his operation.  He figures he must kill them.  Uh oh...Arthur's enemies are actually more substantial than these two great looking Thespians.  The ending will be ambitious and quirky.  Ruby and Dom make a sexy and likable pair. 

Will Dom and Ruby be able to end Arthur's reign of terror?  Will the duo be cast in a horror film if they survive?  Will Arthur demand anything more from the sultry Ruby other than reciting lines?  This is a fun one.  If Broadway was smart, instead of shoving the over-rated and over PC "Hamilton" down our throats, they'd put on "Casting Kill."  For a Masterpiece Theater type horror film, see "Casting Kill."   

Thursday, May 25, 2023

Stone Cold Dead, A Morality Sniper Mows Down Prostitutes

We just don't talk about Richard Crenna enough!  A fabulous actor than never mailed in a role. The gritty actor is a perfect choice to portray a hard-boiled homicide detective in New York City...and today we look at him playing this role.  In a shocking film from 1979, the beautiful will die quite horribly in some ghoulish scenes...and everyone in this film is guilty...of something.  Grimy, deviant, and ominous, today's feature is the uber violent "Stone Cold Dead," directed by George Mendeluk. 

A sniper is murdering ladies of the night in The Big Apple. As our film begins, the lovely Claudia (Jennifer Dale) is taken down in mid stride. Detective Boyd (Crenna) is on the case. This is the second killing...there will be more. He's quite connected with the night life in New York. He has a relationship, professional, with the bi-sexual beauty Monica (Linda Sorensen). Monica is a whore, too.  She also knows many of the victims. Monica does not want to help Boyd.  Boyd puts a lot of heat on a big pimp/dealer in town, Kurtz (Paul Williams). He controls most of the whores. Kurtz is in love with junkie/whore Bernice (Andree Cousineau).  Bernice is also a sometimes lover of Monica.  Yep...Bernice is taken down in mid stride...heartbreaking.

Needing help, Boyd calls in undercover cop/beauty Sandy (Belinda Montgomery). She is quite the babe. She'll get into catfights and even gain the confidence of Monica. In fact, Sandy will have more luck getting into bed with Monica than Boyd has.  Now we find out that Monica has a sultry daughter, Olivia (Alberta Watson). Olivia is a college student with a bright future...and perhaps a psycho boyfriend. Uh oh, Monica may be on the killer's list...and now Boyd finds out Olivia may be in mortal danger. Kurtz gets nasty and goes on a killing spree.  More danger...Sandy's cover is blown.  Boyd better catch the killer fast or everyone will die horribly.

The ending is a shocker...and just about every beautiful woman in this film will die horribly.  Will Boyd ever get in Monica's bed?  Will Sandy gloat and antagonize Boyd about getting into Monica's bed?  Why is Olivia, who is not a whore, in danger?  This is a vicious shocker with a tour-de-force performance by Richard Crenna.  For some gritty 1970s cop drama, see "Stone Cold Dead" and be ready for a high kill count.

Tuesday, May 23, 2023

Terror at London Bridge, Jack the Ripper and Adrienne Barbeau

Serial killers have always fascinated us.  Many times we are not careful enough to halt the fascination before it becomes admiration.  Throw in one from foggy old London who escaped capture and we have a man urban legends are made of.  Jack the Ripper!  The horrific means in which he murdered are often lost on the fact that he beat Scotland Yard and was never caught.  Sort of a British D.B. Cooper...except Cooper never carved and gutted nubile women.  But...when Jack the Ripper messes with Adrienne Barbeau!  Well, now we have no trouble realizing this creep for the monster he was.  Today we look at 1985's Made for TV epic, "Terror at London Bridge," directed by E.W. Swackhamer ... and starring ...DAVID HASSELHOFF!!! 

Chicago cop Don Gregory (Hasselhoff) is involved in an awful shooting and transfers to Lake Havasu (Arizona), a resort and retirement community. Lake Havasu purchased all of London bridge from England and now rebuilt it at the lake. Really.  Through some supernatural circumstances, also arriving in Lake Havasu is Jack the Ripper (Paul Rossilli)...and he begins murdering babes.  Sultry Alice (Barbara Bingham) is sad. The city council and mayor are determined to keep the bridge open as tourist dollars are important.  Don wants it closed as he senses a serial killer has arrived.  Chief Peter Dawson (Clu Gulager) won't shut the bridge.  Now Don and his partner, Joe (Randolph Mantooth) must find the killer before the fiend murders Don's new GF, Angie (Stepfanie Kramer).

Sadly, Jack the Ripper murders Adrienne Barbeau...and now its personal!  After all, this is the babe that survived the ghouls in "The Fog."  Babes continue to have their throats slit.  Don goes head to head with the mayor, chief, and the city council to close the bridge.  He's rebuffed at every turn.  Jack the Ripper continues his quest for...well, you'll see.  Now Don has a plan...unfortunately, Angie and Joe believe he is nuts.  Well, David Hasselhoff is...David Hasselhoff...and now Joe and Angie agree to help him.  The plan is a bad one and you just know Angie will be put in mortal danger.  Nevertheless, future tourism dollars for Lake Havasu are at steak and Jack the Ripper must be caught.

How can anyone kill Adrienne Barbeau?  Will Stepfanie and Don engage in pre-marital sex, or will Don's supposed insanity keep Angie available for Joe or Jack?  Will the city council and mayor come to agreement on a new water resources bill that won't jack-up property taxes for Lake Havasu residents? This is a "Jaws" like plot and the stars in this film are all terrific.  With some great TV cheesecake and beefcake,,,"Terror at London Bridge" is a must see film made before wokeness destroyed America.  


Sunday, May 21, 2023

Do Not Disturb, A Disturbing Revenge Horror Flick

Ah1 Tiffany Shepis!  Definitely a Horror Hall of Fame actress.  Whether she's pulling unfortunates apart...or being pulled apart, this seductress succeeds in all of her roles.  Sultry and intense...Ms. Shepis graces our film today.  But, will she be pulled apart...or do the pulling apart?  Could go either way.  Interestingly enough, our horror icon appears to have a straight forward role as a literary agent.  Don't be fooled.  Today's feature is 2010's "Do Not Disturb" (aka "New Terminal Hotel"), directed by BC Fourteen.

Novelist Don Malek (Stephen Geoffreys) has moved into a skid row hotel in L.A.  He is coming off an awful tragedy. His fiancĂ© was murdered by a movie studio head, Stan (Anthony Colliano), a real slimebag!  The rich Weinstein-like figure gets away with the murder.  Until now.  Don lures him to his hotel room, drugs him, and starts removing his internal organs.  Stan will be kept alive, totally paralyzed, and very aware.  Stan will feel all the pain and watch as Don operates on him removing one organ at a time.  The twisted Don does not intend to let Stan get away with murder.  Enough about Stan. 

Ava (Shepis), Don's agent, wants him back (as one of her novelists).  She surprises Don and barges into the hotel room and sees Stan and his diminished state.  Ava likes it...what a great idea.  She urges Don to channel this torture and mayhem to write another novel.  We are then introduced to other nefarious characters at the skid row hotel that annoy Don.  You can guess their fate.  Now Ava must deal with a rival, Carter (James Grabowski).  Carter is stealing all of Ava's novelists.  Now Ava has an arrangement in mind.  She goes to Don and presents him with an idea.  Ava insinuates blackmail, but assures Don she does not want to go to the cops.  The bathtub is ready for another surgery and Don's mental state is way gone.  Ava connives, and Carter, bless him, visits Don to steal him away from Ava.  What follows will be wild.  How does this all end?  You'll see and it will be wild!

Will Ava be an accomplice or a patient of Don the surgeon?  Does Don even have an intention of writing another novel?  Will Don use his paralysis drugs on Ava for anything other than prepping her for surgery?  Hard to watch at times, this film will have us cheering for Don.  For a seedy horror film with a performance by Ms. Shepis that will seduce and horrify you, see "Do Not Disturb."  

Friday, May 19, 2023

She, Sandahl Bergman's Magnum Opus

Today we have a great film. I know the term "great" is thrown around with reckless abandon...but this is literally a "great" film.  Sure, the Oscars would not agree...but they liked "The English Patient." Sandahl Bergman is a babe who excelled in exploitation films in the 80s and even insisted on filming all her sword fighting scenes using...real swords!  You think Jennifer Anniston would have suggested something like this? When you play a have to have it...and Ms. Bergman definitely has "it."  Hence...she plays "She."  No pronoun confusion when Sandahl Bergman hits the silver screen ...she is definitely a woman...and a half. Today we look at 1984's "She," directed by Avi Nesher.

Two hunks, Tom (David Goss) and Dick (Harrison Muller) are sad. The army of an evil warlord, collecting babes, abducts Tom's babe sister, Hari (Elena Wiedermann).  Now the hunk duo go on a quest to recover the babe.  She (Bergman) is a goddess presiding over a babe army of scantily clad warriors.  The babes wear a little leather and have big swords.  The two blokes find out She would know where the evil warlord resides...She does.  The two hunks kidnap She in order so she can lead them to the evil warlord. Now She's sultry right hand babe, Shanda (Quin Kessler), grabs the babe warriors and pursues.  Along the way, She and the two hunks will be beset by mutants who lose their limbs easy, cannibals, weird sailor bombs (you'll see), Nazi cults, and eventually the evil warlord's army.

Shanda catches up to the trio and by this time, She is all in in finding the babe sister.  Shanda and She, in skimpy leather undies, are constantly strung up, whipped, put on the rack, and experimented on. Chivalry was not dead back in these times, and Tom and Dick keep rescuing them.  She kind of gets sweet on Tom and Shanda gets sweet on Dick.  There will be more sword fighting and all out war between this quartet and all the aforementioned evil forces.  Both blondes, She and Shanda, look great, shiny, and fit throughout the entire film...even when they are being whipped.  Tom and Dick are quite the hunks... and the quest these four are on is a noble one.

Will Tom end up landing a goddess?  Will She be satisfied with a mere mortal, no matter how hunky he is? Will the evil warlords and cult leaders be successful in soiling She and Shanda?  This is an epic with a lot of cheesecake and beefcake. Ms. Bergman and Ms. Kessler are stunning throughout the entirety and will definitely get your juices flowing.  See "She," you will be impressed.       

Wednesday, May 17, 2023

Monster Wolf, Hallmark meets Syfy

You have to love those Hallmark movies. You know the ones. A beautiful babe leaves small town USA to make it big in in the corporate world in New York City. Her firm sends her back home to convince her kinfolk and church friends to sell their farmland so some developer can build strip malls there. While there, an old flame comes calling. Years ago he proposed to her and she said no because New York beckoned. Now as she reconnects, she falls back in love with the BF who stayed behind and reconnects with her friends and neighbors.  Now she must convince big city developers to leave the town alone and move on. That's the movie we have today...just throw in a monster wolf.  In a made for Syfy epic, we look at 2010's "Monster Wolf," directed by Todor Chapkanov.

Big Oil drills illegally on Indian land in Louisianan.  This unleashes a monster wolf who hates people who litter...and chews them up.  Stark (Robert Picardo) heads the oil corporation and believes Indians are causing the disembowelment.  Next...send the sultry Maria (Leonor Varela) there.  She's from there and can speak the language of the townsfolk. Her job...get the locals to sell their land to the oil company. Once there, she reconnects with her ex-beau, Yale (Jason London).  He's a good ole boy, and we like him...better than her. Monster wolf also gets more aggressive. It eats anyone he can find that works for the oil company.  Uh oh...Maria works for the oil company now and she is on the creature's menu.

Despite her new arrogance, Maria is still a woman...with needs.  However redneck Yale is...he's still a man with a...well, you know. Mad, passionate pre-marital sex will ensue.  Stark calls in assassins to kill the wolf and the Indian chief (Steve Reevis) who controls most of the land.  Maria reconnects to her past and realizes her survival depends on that reconnection.  Yale is a hunk and we like him and wish he'd find a less stuck-up babe...poor guy deserves one.  Monster wolf gets bolder and now has included assassins, posses, and hunters to its buffet line.

Will Maria's connection to this town ultimately be enough to save everyone from getting eaten by the lycan-thing? Will vicious pre-marital sex with a flaming redneck be enough to kill the bug that's up Maria's a**?  Will Syfy treat us to wonderful Christmas decorations and an old grandmotherly lady cooking a holiday meal?  This is a really swell film.  Gore and steamy passion guide us through a very Hallmark-type story.  For a film that will please both you and your romance-minded babe...see "Monster Wolf."