Sunday, May 22, 2022

Blood Vessel, Vampires, Nazis, and a Ghost Ship

1980's "Death Ship" is one of my favorite movies. The George Kennedy film had a haunted derelict Nazi ship picking up an innocent bunch of survivors from a shipwreck.  Today, we have a look at an almost identical plot in 2019's "Blood Vessel," directed by Justin Dix.  This World War 2 film also has a derelict Nazi ship...this time infested by vampires, picking up survivors from an allied sunken ship.  Dark, and not the feel good film of 2019, it is a vampire film set on the high seas...which merit it a look.

A motley crew of allied survivors are adrift in a life raft after a U-Boat sinks their vessel.  Starving, the castaways believe they catch a break when a Nazi freighter comes by.  After their captain is shredded by the freighter's propeller, the others manage to climb aboard.  Interesting survivors...the babe nurse Jane (Alyssa Sutherland), the Aussie Nathan (Nathan Phillips), the English Intel guy/traitor Faraday (John Llotd Fillingham), and the Russian Alexander (Alex Cooke...I guess cultural appropriation is no great sin if it concerns Russia).  Soon our surviving allies figure out the vessel seems deserted.  Then they find the charred, rat bitten, maggot infested corpses of the crew.  Now our survivors figure they may not be as lucky as first theorized.

Then the vampires arrive.  First a little girl vampire takes an unhealthy liking to Jane.  Then it is discovered this Nazi crew looted artwork, relics, and coffins from central Europe.  Wouldn't you know it... vampires are in the coffins.  Soon the allies figure out what is going on and a war erupts...beyond World War 2.  The awkward group must now trust one another and work together as the toothy menaces do not die easy.  The creepy derelict ship is spooky enough and the vampires aren't the attractive ("Underworld") variety.  As the kid vampire continues to hunt and torment Jane, the guy survivors tangle with the full grown vampires.

Will Jane survive the wrath of the toothy little girl?  Will the Australian, Russian, and English traitor put their cultural differences aside and realize diversity is their greatest strength (NATO is trying to do this now, w/o much success)?  Creepy and horrific..."Blood Vessel" is a dark horror film which adds new meaning to the phrase "horrors of war."        

Friday, May 20, 2022

Dead Mary, Possession and the Annihilation of Babes and Hunks

Dominique Swain!  I don't know why she doesn't show up on most people's "favorite actress" lists.  She's on mine.  Her name alone will draw me to a film.  So will bikinis and catfights, which Ms. Swain will wear and partake in in today's film.  Pick-axes, garden tools, other blades, fire, and...well...now that I think about it...no beartraps...will all be part of some really nice carnage.  Sure, we'll plead with the silver screen to leave our Ms. Swain unmarred...but this will be a vicious one.  Today we look at 2007's "Dead Mary," directed by Robert Wilson.

Babe Kim (Swain) and hunk Matt (Jefferson Browning) are on the outs after they decided to have an "open" relationship.  Surprise, it did not make theirs stronger.  Now both bicker all the way to a weekend at a secluded wooded cabin with their babe and hunk friends.  Also there is is babe Amber (Reagan Pasternak) and her hunk Dash (Michael Majeski)...they're married and Amber believes happily.  Then there is Eve (Marie Josee), a sultry looking babe who is there w/o a beau.  Then the intellectual looking Baker (Steven McCarthy)...he has a beard, and his new squeeze, Lily (Maggie Castle). Lily is uncomfortable around all the friends as she is a newbie to the group.  Oh, yeah!  Everyone here has secretly slept with everyone else's partner...of course, these won't stay secrets.

Kim and the gals will frolic in bikinis and look bored while the guys will drink and smoke marijuana.  Then as Kim and Matt continue to bicker...and Amber looks really needy, and Lily and Eve mysteriously disappear in the woods, the plot thickens.  Now the fools play Dead Mary...you know, recite her name three times...etc!  Well, they do this and the possession begins.  One at a time the hunks and babes turn into demons and the only way to get rid of them is to chop them up and burn them.  The demons reveal more intimate secrets about the babes and hunks driving the not-possessed farther apart and into more paranoia.  Now Kim will get into a nice catfight and no one is really sure who the next demon will be.  With disembowelment and burning ruling the second half of the film, the horror and relationship drama get more intense.

Is the demon possession a good metaphor for the typical relationship angst faced by many young 20-somethings, today?  Are any of the sultry babes in this film adept enough to take on Dominique Swain in a good catfight?  Do we need anything else in a film other than Ms. Swain frolicking in a bikini and engaging in catfights?  This is a good one with a fine looking cast.  Pick your favorite hunk and babe and just maybe they won't be disfigured and cut up before the end credits.  For a prurient and gory good time, see "Dead Mary."   

Wednesday, May 18, 2022

And Then YOU Die!, Our Future is Here

1993's "Falling Down" is an over-rated piece of garbage. The bore-a-thon was billed as a common man's anthem that turned on its intended audience. The A-List cast mailed in their performances and a great idea became mindless drivel. The film was promised to be a classic, yet by 1994...no one was talking about this Michael Douglas film. Hence, 2013's "And Then YOU Die!" On the surface, a similar plot than the aforementioned film, but perhaps a different message. With no A-List, pampered actors, and a micro-budget, this film will not receive any praise.

Sam (Chuck Smith), a dumpy loser, is having a bad day. The used car salesman sleeps late, runs out of gas, is fired, and humiliated by people in his life who he seeks help from. Left on the side of the road, a bunch of 20-something campers mock him. The cops show up and treat him like a criminal. The tow-truck driver is incredibly rude and taunting, and his boss is hardly understanding. Worse yet, he tries to call his wife Tessa (Ellie Church) and his best friend Brad (Christopher Hunt). Neither answer as they are having passionate sex, together. He gets home, catches his wife and friend in the act, tries to kill them, but Brad gets the best of him and conks him out. Brad believes he has killed Sam. Not so.

Now Brad and Tessa dump his corpse in the woods...then Sam wakes. Now a homicidal mad man, he will begin a trek to find all the folks who humiliated and disrespected him earlier in the day. He'll find a machete, woodchipper, handyman tools, tire irons, gas grills, etc. The killing spree will be bloody and at times heartbreaking. No one will be spared his wrath, including a young pregnant woman.  As the blood splatters, and body parts fly, Sam is slowly working his way back to his home where Brad and Tessa are unsuspecting that he is still breathing. Sam indeed intends to save the best for last.

Bloody, and more vicious than the Michael Douglas film, Sam's tirade is seen as justified and maybe a lot of us may be cheering for him. Will Sam get back some of his humanity before arriving home where his best friend and wife are? Is anyone in this film innocent? If this film had an A-List cast and CGI, would we be yapping about it as a neo-classic? Some will find this film without any merit or semblance of taste. Interestingly, those same folks extoll the idiotic DC and Marvel pieces of trash. Not for everyone, but if you are in the mood...see "And Then YOU Die!"  This film is directed by Daniel Murphy and Brian Gaillard.

Monday, May 16, 2022

Lake Fear, A Bloody Horror Musical

Musical?  Okay, maybe not...but at times it feels like one.  Our feature today is a bloody horror film in the style of "The Evil Dead," complete with a deserted cabin in the woods and four nubile babes who will be under much distress.  The nubile babes, which carry this film, were cast because of their proclivity to give the camera some nice T&A shots while clad in tight tops and short shorts.  Is this what we want to carry our horror films?  Yep.  Let us examine 2014's "Lake Fear," directed by Michael Crum.

We are introduced to our babes early on.  First Tina (Jessica Willis).  She won a weekend at the aforementioned cabin in the woods...on some internet contest.  She has a Mustang and picks up Kathy (Taylor LeeAnn Graham), the maybe clean cut (okay, not so clean cut) Jordan (Shannon Snedden) and and the weird (wears cat ears) Stephanie (Jori Gill).  Deep into the woods they go and reach the cabin.  The horror begins right away...no slow burn here.  Demons emerge...let's see...there is a pig demon, a reptile demon, and an eyeless demon...and many more.  The gals are horrified and jump around as the camera catches many shots of their posteriors and chests as they do. 


Soon the demons begin claiming the nubiles.  One by one, the pretty fall to beings from Hell and become possessed vessels of theirs.  Now covered with blood and still running, the gals still look appealing...and also seemed quite doomed.  Gory injuries, one in particular with a circular saw, beset them.  The beauties turn from nubile babes jiggling around to hunted damsels soaked in blood.  The demons seem to smell blood and now the gals are also running from each other, as they become possessed one by one...a lot like in "The Evil Dead."  This won't end well for the quartet...but as far as tormented beings...they are not alone in this cabin.

Will any of our nubile protagonists survive the demons, circular saws, or each other and make it to the end credits?  Will we see blood-soaked catfights between the possessed and not-yet-possessed?  Just who else is being tormented in this cabin?  Gratuitous and weird, "Lake Fear" is a high-energy jaunt into possession and prurient voyeurism. 

Saturday, May 14, 2022

A Crack in the Floor, Babes and Hunks Ripped Apart

Fine!  So our film today is...shall we say...flawed.  Like James Cameron's "Titanic" isn't!  So it stars that annoying guy from "Saved by the Bell"  I understand your hesitation to put it on.  Still...the babe factor is off the charts and a lot of kills will grace your viewing experience.  Oh!  Did I mention Gary Busey?  Classic.  So, his role in this film has nothing to do with the plot...still, it will stay with you for the rest of your life...you'll see.  Our film today is 2001's "A Crack in the Floor" directed by Sean Stanek and Corbin Timbrook. 

33 years ago, in a secluded cabin deep in the woods, babe (Tracy Scoggins) raises her son.  The babe mom is determined to keep her son from the evil society just beyond those woods.  Uh oh...two brutes come a long and brutally rape and murder Tracy Scoggins in front of her son.  Now, 33 years later, Jeremiah (Roger Hewlett) is a hulking slasher living in the same cabin.  As the film continues, he'll murder a babe (Madeleine Wade) and a hunk (Con Schell) while they have pre-marital sex in the cabin.  Now we meet our six hunk/babe team.  Lehman (Mario Lopez) is dating the exotic dancer who works with autistic kids, Heidi (Daisy McCrackin).  Heidi is beautiful and annoying and we long for her twisted demise.

The two other pairs include some really likable stoners (Francesca Orsi and Jason Oliver), and the pregnant babe Kate (Justine Priestley) and her beau Johnny (Bentley Mitchum).  The crew goes on a hike but not before stopping at a redneck gas station and being accosted by a creepy gas station attendant (Rance Howard).  At this station they meet Tyler (Busey), the chicken murderer.  However irrelevant to the plot, this is a scene that will stick with you for the rest of your life.  The six babes and hunks begin their hike and find Jeremiah's cabin.  The unfortunates decide to camp there overnight...mistake.  Now Jeremiah goes on a homicidal rage utilizing knives, beartraps, and his own hands.  The beautiful will die horribly and so will their boyfriends...but will any survive?

I forgot to mention Bo Hopkins as a lousy sheriff...but he's in this, too.  Will Jeremiah decide to abduct any of the babes and begin his own family with them?  Will Mario Lopez be cut into several pieces ending the reign for his annoying characters?  Since when do we let exotic dancers work with autistic kids?  Satisfying and lots of neat kills...do yourself a favor and watch "A Crack in the Floor."  

Thursday, May 12, 2022

Jolly Roger: Massacre at Cutter's Cove, Pirate's Revenge

We can't ignore films by The Asylum, especially if they have the word 'massacre' in the title. For all of you who were never persuaded that "The Pirates of the Caribbean" franchise is cinematic gold, 2005's "Jolly Roger: Massacre at Cutter's Cove" is a film for you. Disney films are for mind numbed robots, whereas The Asylum makes films we can all enjoy on their merits. Directed by Gary Jones, today's film boasts of over a dozen decapitations.

Hunks and babes who have just graduated high school are having a campfire at the beach. Sasha (Megan Lee Ethridge) and Tom (Justin Brannock) head to the surf for some gratuitous pre-marital sex. On the way, they find a treasure chest, open it, and toss the skull it contains into the ocean...kids! Bad move. The skull emerges as a decrepit Jolly Roger with a glowing eye and a big sword. Sasha and Tom will be chopped up as they do the dirty deed. Jolly Roger finds the rest of the party and decapitates a couple more, but Alex (Tom Nagel) and Jessie (Kristina Korn) flee. Now Jolly Roger (Rhett Giles) begins a crusade against all the town descendants of pirates who betrayed him.

Chief Mathis (Thomas Downey) is on the case. He seems sad and low energy. The nubile Jessie and under achieving Alex are his only suspects. When this duo escape custody, they too try to solve the case. Jolly Roger finds many pirate descendants and decapitates them...this quest will even take him into a strip club. Yep, even strippers...er, exotic dancers can be descended from pirates...who knew? The decapitations continue and Chief Mathis finally realizes Jessie and Alex are not the killers. There is method to Jolly Roger's tirade and our crimefighters figure it out. As the population of Cutter's Cove diminishes rapidly, Alex, Jessie, and Mathis are headed to a run in with the Jolly and homicidal pirates from the past.

Will the nubile and almost sultry Jessie drop her under achieving boyfriend in favor of a real man who has been around? A pirate perhaps? Will Chief Mathis get a fire lit under him and be able to protect any of the doomed descendants? There are some classic kills in this one, and don't miss the beautiful beach babe who gets a marshmallow skewer through the eye...yes! For a jolly good time, see "Jolly Roger: Massacre at Cutter's Cove."

Tuesday, May 10, 2022

Raiga: God of the Monsters, If Shonen Knife Made Godzilla

This Japanese monster film has the feel of a Shonen Knife music video. You'll be smiling throughout. The monsters will attack and level a Japanese city and you'll be waiting for an all-girl band to break out in a sickeningly sweet ballad. Not in English (you'll have to use closed-caption), this may be a horror-comedy, but 2009's "Raiga: God of the Monsters" (aka "Raiga: The Monster from the Deep") will have you laughing and keeping the beat as skyscrapers are pushed over and tanks are melted. 

Hajime (Yukijiro Hotaru) has just lost his wife. He's making the move on a babe, Masumi. His three lovely daughters, Hibari (Mao Urata), Matsuri (Miyu Oriyama), and Akira (Manami Enosawa) are determined to keep him pure to his wife's memory. Then their lives change. A swarm of sea creatures eat fishermen and a 200 foot monster comes to shore in Asakusa. It destroys buildings, shoots electrical bolts, melts tanks, and goes to the bathroom in the center of the city. Commander Kito (Makato Inamiya), the deranged leader of the Japanese Defense Forces acts. His fighters kill the thing. All celebrate. Hajime gets rich selling tee shirts commemorating the monster. Uh oh...his daughters announce they want to try out for Japanese Idol.

Another monster attacks. Hajime must decide between his three daughters and his beautiful and younger girlfriend. His daughters choose for him. As Asakusa is destroyed again by the behemoth, Hajime must keep his girl-band-wannabe daughters safe. Commander Kito is in his glory and dispatches a secret weapon, the KAMIKAZE machine. But wait! A third behemoth monster comes ashore. Now the two behemoths fight and piss...really! The city is flattened and looks like Tokyo just after World War 2. Now it seems the humans are defenseless against the monsters. But where there is fatherly love, and a new girl-band brewing...anything is possible.

Will Matsuri be able to put a band together that replaces Shonen Knife in the hearts of Japanese youth? Will Hajime find love during the monster invasion? Can Japanese all-girl bands and behemoth sea monsters co-exist in post World War 2 Japan? This is a fun one and the ending might be the greatest ending ever put on film. You'll be screaming! You'll be humming! You'll be tapping your feet! Watch "Raiga: God of the Monsters," directed by Shinpei Hayashiya.