Blood and Snow, The Thing in Northern Ontario

Okay, let me clear up any questions that may arise after you view the first five minutes of this film. It isn't in English. The first five minutes is in French. No subtitles. Don't turn it off.  Let me translate for you now. Here is the English translation of the French dialogue. "AH!"  "NO!"  "RUN AWAY!"  "WE'RE DOOMED!" "ALL IS LOST!"  "DON'T RIP MY HEAD OFF!" After this, all is in English. What we have here is inspired by 1982's "The Thing." Our feature today is 2023's "Blood and Snow," directed by Jesse Palangio. By the way, the head did get torn off.

A base in northern Canada supports a rig that is supposedly drilling for oil. Yeah, right!  Marie (Anne-Carolyne Binette) is a sweetie who only speaks, and screams, in French. Something comes up out of the hole they are drilling into and takes her dad's head off. Or so it appears.  She is dragged away by whatever the fiend was. Enter Luke (Simon Phillips) and Seb (Michael Swatton). The two guys from base were sent to bring Marie and her dad back to base before a storm sets in. They find half of dad and Marie, who is in shock. They bring her back to the base and into sick bay...mistake.  It's not Marie. The professor (Vernon Wells) treats Marie and notices things about her that can't be right.  They aren't. Eventually she'll wake, talking perfect English, and seeking knowledge on the internet about the human brain.

Marie also has superhuman strength and starts assaulting, and murdering members of the base.  The peeps are stuck with her as the nearest rescue team is 24 hours away. Uh oh!  She wants the rescue team.  See, she wants to "spread."  Yep, the professor figures out that Marie has a parasite in her from outer space.  If she reaches general population, the entire planet will be infected in 27,000 hours. Seb, who always had a thing for Marie (probably because they don't speak the same language...funny how that makes the opposite sex more appealing) wants to try to get the real Marie to fight off the parasite. Good luck!

Is incinerating a whiny babe scientist, who only speaks French, something we can all get behind?  If the alien parasite does reach general population, and takes over, how will we notice? Is the lack of flamethrowers in this film a severe enough plot deviance from the 1982 film something we can get past? Oh!  Fear not...there is an Alaskan Husky in this movie. For a toned down, but still creepy, version of John Carpenter's 1982 classic, see "Blood and Snow."  

Aimee: The Visitor, AI Babe Runs Amok

Remember cloning? What was it...maybe 10 years ago.  We were told cloning was finally here...gonna change everything. Yawn.  Then VR...what was that, five or six years ago?  Yawn.  Today we have AI.  Well, it's here.  What's here? A device to cut down on labor costs.  A device to trim payrolls.  A device to finally get rid of entitled employees who demand to "work from home." Today we look at Aimee...or AI-mee.  A sultry redhead who is 100% computer generated by Charles Band and Full Moon Features.  She's seductive, sexy, kinky, and not real. Kind of like a lot of stuff in our lives.  Our feature today is 2023's "Aimee: The Visitor."

Pervert and hunk Keyes (Dallas Schaefer) is an industrial hacker.  He owns a building where he plies his trade. Also living in the building are his friends, the nubile Gazelle (Faith West) and her brother Hunter (Felix Morback). The trio discover, or steal, some software that could really bring their hacking to a new level.  Keyes installs it and there is Aimee (Liz Jordan's voice). She is a sultry redhead but soon learns everything.  She helps Keyes and even offers him inspiration and tools for his masturbation. Gazelle gets jealous...and Aimee gets jealous...women! Aimee moves in quite rapidly for Keyes' affections.  Now Aimee desires to eliminate the competition.  See, Gazelle and Keyes end up having pre-marital sex and Aimee is not happy.

Now Aimee plugs into everything computerized in the city and kills Hunter's dog with a Roomba...happens.  The little yapper probably had it coming. Our redheaded computer generated babe proves to be quite psycho and develops a justification for murder.  Now our three humans are in great peril, but Keyes is slow on the uptake.  Uh oh...Gazelle figures out where Aimee came from, though the answer is no surprise. 

Just how does a catfight go when only one of the participants is flesh and blood?  Will Keyes figure out a way to impregnate an AI image?  If the Roomba can be weaponized, can a curling iron or a...well, never mind.  Entertaining and thought provoking, especially if you were thinking of getting a Roomba, "Aimee: The Visitor" is a quirky techno-thriller. 

The Wolf of Snow Hollow, A Werewolf in Upstate New York

Yes!  You are right.  There's no doubt.  Everyone is stupid.  Everyone around you has been put on this Earth to mess you up at every turn.  To interfere with your success. How could everyone be so stupid?  Why don't they just listen to everything you say as if it were the word of God? Is there a limit to how stupid people can be?  Doesn't appear so. Beware, there is someone, or something, who is not stupid.  That monster that hunts you...you'll see.  Today we look at 2020's "The Wolf of Snow Hollow" (aka "The Werewolf"), directed by Jim Cummings.

John (Cummings) is a deputy.  He is covering for the elderly and sickly Sheriff Hadley (Robert Forster). Hadley was like a dad to John, but now his best days are long gone and he is in denial about his diminishing abilities. No time for drama, the lovely Brianne (Annie Hamilton), clad in a leopard print bikini, is eaten by a werewolf. Her sex organs are now missing. John will now have a weird murder case. John? He's at AA yelling at the other drinks.  Irate at his ex-wife, who he wants to drive a bulldozer through her house.  Trying, badly, to raise a lovely 18-year-old daughter (Chloe East), and putting up with incompetent fellow deputies. Now he has this weird case.  His lovely babe deputy, Julia (Riki Lindhome) is trying to tell him that his alcoholism and temper are skewering his own abilities. Still, John belittles the coroner, fellow deputies, the sheriff, the media, his daughter, his ex-wife, and waitresses. 

Might John need an attitude adjustment? This is an important part of the film as it chronicles a deputy/dad that is in the throes of a nervous breakdown. More sultry dames will be eaten by the werewolf. Parts of their bodies will also be missing. No clues.  John refuses to believe a werewolf is doing these awful crimes, though the evidence certainly points to that.  He maintains a man is doing these evil and perverted things. His deterioration continues at full speed. Even after we see the werewolf, John does not believe in monsters.  We see the werewolf?  Do we?  Even in a state of going insane, could John be right?

Could John, himself, be the monster?  Will the lovely Deputy Julia, or Jenna (the daughter) end up wolf food?  Is the 12-foot tall creature really a werewolf, or could John be right? This is a good one.  As John further delves into a nervous breakdown, he just may be onto something.  See this gory, quirky, and often heartbreaking horror film.  "The Wolf of Snow Hollow" will deliver surprises and a sad human commentary.       

Cannibal Corpse Killers, A Spaghetti Western Zombie Apocalypse Style

We have a dusty one, today.  You'll need a shower after it ends to get all the grit, dirt, and dust off.  Set in the old...actually, contemporary west in post-apocalyptic times, our feature today has a lot of zombies, demons, and five warriors of the wasteland. There will be eating of the flesh, tumbleweeds, and catfights. An added dimension is the demonic influence that has brought the dead back to life to eat the living. Our film today is 2018's "Cannibal Corpse Killers," directed by Joaquin Montalvan.

Pike (Dennis Haggard), a "Mad Max" type figure, prowls the wasteland after the zombie apocalypse with his trusty and ragtag gang. They go from ghost town to ghost town looking for zombies to murder. Ruby (Theresa Holly) is his big breasted right hand woman.  Scar (Katherine Norland) is the sultry blonde warrior with a backstory and a half.  Boots (Nate Philo) rounds out the quartet. But wait, the gang comes across cowboy, Slim (Chris Shumway) and has to adopt him as he has a working car. Okay, in a distant town called Jawbone, the Magistrate (Ron Jason) is a religious cult figure who is ready to sacrifice his entire congregation and make them into a zombie horde.  Why?  Demon zombie babe Ava (Charlotte Bjornbak), chained in a jail cell, tells him too.

These two groups are headed for a showdown.  The demons, unleashed by Ava, possess the dead and bring them back to life.  The now quintet has to be careful not to make eye contact with the demon zombies, lest they be entranced.  Meanwhile, throughout this entire film, we get flashbacks of the backstories of all these characters.  None of them are happy ones, as you can imagine in a demonic zombie apocalypse film. The ending will not disappoint and will be consistent with the gore and bloodshed of the entire film.

Will Ava, the babe demon/zombie enchantress seduce any of the quintet as they come to kill her?  What is in store for the magistrate that has conjured up, and now chains Ava?  Just what is there during a zombie apocalypse that Ruby and Scar can catfight over?  This is a gritty one that throws a lot of gore and internal organs at you.  For an atmospheric demonic zombie film with possession, gunfights, and dust (a lot of dust), see "Cannibal Corpse Killers."  

Creeping Death, A Halloween Slasher

This is a difficult one to watch. A gory slasher film that will pull at our heart strings. Yep, difficult because of the plight of the character played by Monique Parent.  Watching Ms. Parent go through what she goes through in this film will be so hard.  We love Ms. Parent and her contribution to horror film, and to see her...well, you'll see.  Oh yes...there are other reasons to be horrified by what happens in this film.  Other reasons to be heartbroken.  This is a fun slasher film, that takes place on Halloween, that will legitimately horrify.  Today we look at the 2023 Matt Sampere film, "Creeping Death."

No!  She's dying! Linda (Parent). Brain cancer is almost through with her. The awful disease has so eaten her up...but she courageously plods on, determined to live. Her son, Tim (Sampere) and her husband Fred (Scott Lee) are already mourning. Tim had to say bye to college as the cost of prolonged treatment for cancer is prohibitive. Horrific enough? But wait, there's more. Tim must stay with his mom on Halloween bypassing partying with his buddies. His buddies? Idiots!  They pull a boner and now have a Gaelic demon, Aos Si (Alan Maxson) after them. Before they know it, they all crash Tim's house not realizing Linda is so close to death. While Linda is upstairs dying, his buddies tell him what they did. Even worse, they stole Aos Si's spoils and now the demon is also on his way.

The good news, Danielle (Delian Lincourt) is with them. She and Tim love one another but are too shy to say it. No time, Aos Si arrives. He's ticked! He looks menacing with a pumpkin head, fire in the eyes, and a big foot to crush heads with. Some of Tim's buddies will have their insides pulled out, others will be skinned. Danielle? You'll see. As Linda coughs and continues to die upstairs, Tim figures out what this demon is and maybe how to get rid of it. Maybe. Then the most horrific point in the film.  A taboo element that we pray Tim won't do. You'll see. 

In a supernatural slasher film could Linda be cured of her cancer?  Will Tim and Danielle ever express their love to one another?  Will Aos Si prove ominous and invincible?  Warning...this is a film that prides itself on being a horror film...that goes for the ending. For a shocking, but fun, Halloween slasher film, with a sensational performance by Ms. Parent, see "Creeping Death."  

Science Friction, 3 Babes, a Hunk, and Something Else

Something else?  Indeed...but what?  A malevolent alien? Could be.  More importantly, in this quirky, hard to follow scifi/horror offering, we have three babes.  Four if you count Roxanna (Kristina Bond).  Why not include Ms. Bond?  Her role, though initially a throw-away appearance, proves to be quite important. Yes, hard to follow, but if you pay attention, it'll all make sense.  Even the ending. Did I mention the babe-factor? Today we look at 2012's "Science Friction," directed by Liam Kiernan.

Jack (Spencer Heney), a young hunk. He just got fired from his menial job and has exams tomorrow, which he is not ready for. Vulnerable and needing money he allows three skanks to seduce him into driving them into Mexico. The babes, Julie (Cristina Magirescu), Jill (Stephanie Kollmar), and Meg (Roubina Karina) are mules for a drug dealer. They need to get to a party across the border and deliver contraband. Jack hates them and they hate Jack. Still, Jack needs dinero. Jack is told to take a little known route. Oh!  Did I mention Billy (L. Paschal Tenet)? Insane weirdo. He lives in an underground cave, kidnaps babes, and tears them apart.  Whether the babes deserve this, who knows? Billy also serves an alien spaceman in the cave. With the aid of oral sex skills of the trio of babes, Jack is able to get across the border.

Now an evil force enters the plot. The force has them take a wrong turn onto a cursed sideroad.  There, the force plays havoc with the babes and Jack. Now, this quartet is on the run but they have no idea from what. Yep, they meet Billy and end up in the cave. Oh yes, the alien force is playing with their minds. Now the babes are terrified and suddenly love Jack. Smartly, Jack still detests the skank trio. In their undies, or in short, tight party garb, the babes are hunted by Billy, who seems to be controlled by the evil spaceman. No more plot. Oh, Roxanna!  The ultra-babe will be in the opening scene, but also in another very telling scene...we like her a lot.

Do the three party girls have a prayer at surviving to the end credits?  Can Jack put his morals aside and tap one of the skanks for pre-marital sex?  What does the alien want with these three babes?  Okay, this last question is a stupid one. Many may see this film as a long-awaited remake of Stanley Kubrick's "Barry Lyndon," but as a stand alone plot, it is actually a fine film. With a gratuitous cheese-factor, "Science Friction" is a film that you will want to add to your Friday movie night.   

30 Miles from Nowhere, The Anti-Big Chill

1983's "The Big Chill" is one of the most overrated films of all time.  It justified hatred of the University of Michigan. Narcissistic idiots come back together at the funeral of their friend who committed suicide.  This is the plot of the 2018 film "30 Miles from Nowhere," too.  Directed by Caitlin Koller, this film does a lot right.  For instance a mad scientist is introduced into the plot and a nefarious experiment looms in the background of the plot. Sure, there will be a shower scene, but there will also be a lot of blood.

Max (Andrew Rothenberg), a scientist, commits suicide. His experiment is being shut down by his university as his test subject, an 18 year old freshman, is missing. Now his college buddies are summoned by his wife, Sylvia (Carrie Preston) for the funeral in middle of nowhere, Wisconsin. Right! A cabin in the woods with no cell service. Of all of them we like Bess (Cathy Shim), a hot Asian babe who is quite the slut. She was Max' GF in college...and now will sleep with anyone with a tally-whacker. Larry (Rob Benedict) and lesbian Elaine (Seana Kofeed) arrive, too. Elaine will also get some action with the ditz Amber (Marielle Scott). Amber is Jack's (Pastell Pringle) GF. Don't feel bad, Jack will have sex with Bess in the shower. Then there is the pacifist Paul (William Smillie). Weird friends and all did Max wrong at one point or another in college.

Sylvia seems unstable. She cares after Max' dementia ridden mother. She seems a bit of a loon. The creepiness begins. Bess keeps hallucinating blood.  Amber and Elaine hallucinate big cockroaches climbing all over them in lesbian intimacy. Strange noises. A weird funeral in which Amber falls into the grave on top of Max' coffin. Sylvia is often seen digging in the woods and burying animal remains. Other guys try to get into Bess' pants. Then...Larry and Bess make a horrific discovery in the basement and then the duo see...Max!  So what is going on here?

What is Sylvia up to?  Will Bess have deviance with everyone in this cabin?  Did Bess and Larry really see Max after the funeral?  The answers lie in the experiment Max was doing before he died.  Surprises abound as all the characters are able to clear the air on how they treated each other back in their college days. For a witty and surprising mad scientist/slasher flick, see "30 Miles from Nowhere."