Giant from the Unknown, Devil Conquistador Wants a Dame

Who doesn't? This fellow has been in suspended animation for 500 years, we can understand his urges. Sure, nursing those urges can make one behave anti-socially, but we can only hope modern civilization will understand. We understand when he takes Ann (Jolene Brand). We like Ann, too. Sadly, our monster gets too excited and Ann will be annihilated. Sad. We liked Ann better than the blonde leading lady. However sultry Sally Fraser's character is, she talks a lot and makes sure all the conversation centers on her. Ann seemed more amenable to just stick with giving goo-goo eyes to hunks.  Anyway! Let us look at 1958's "Giant from the Unknown," directed by Richard E. Cunha. 

A farmer has been ripped apart, and so has cattle and horses in a small California mountainside town. The townsfolk pressure Sheriff Parker (Bob Steele) to do something. Parker hates the know-it-all archaeologist Wayne (Ed Kemmer) and tries to pin the violence on him. Then they arrive. The dull Professor Cleveland (Morris Ankrum) and his nubile blonde daughter., Janet (Fraser). Wayne had his chance to pick up Ann, but ignored her. Now he has to listen to Janet drone on and on about nothing...always dominating the conversation...okay, back to the plot. Cleveland is set to go up the mountain and find a 500 year old giant conquistador named Vargas (Buddy Baer). Legend speaks of him. Wayne will go with him. Janet, in between yapping about nothing, falls for Wayne and he falls for her. The trio go up into the mountain and soon find Vargas' armor. Nearby, Vargas awakes from a shallow grave and gets up.

What is the first thing Vargas does? Ask Ann...oh, wait...she's been violated and pulled apart. Vargas heads back up the mountain and witnesses Janet stripping out of her clothes as she gets ready for bed. Wayne and Cleveland sit by the campfire probably happy for the break in having to listen to Janet go on and on about nothing. Vargas returns and grabs Janet and takes her higher up the mountain. Fortunately for him, the dame faints. Wayne and Cleveland go after him. Sheriff Parker and a posse join the duo and now Vargas declares war on modern man.

Will Janet wake and begin endlessly yapping at the devil conquistador?  Will Wayne, Cleveland, and the posse find Janet before she is violated or has her mouth sewn shut? Will Vargas teach Janet 500 year old etiquette for a dame in courtship? Sure, Janet could learn a lot from a 500 year-old stud. Still, Wayne is in love and Cleveland is sorta used to her, as Janet is his daughter. See "Giant from the Unknown" and get a glimpse how real men liked their dames back in the 1400s. 

The Last House on Dead End Street, Gross!!!!!

Amputation! Disembowelment! Dissection! Rape! Porn! Oral sex with animal parts! Okay, I watch them so you don't have to. Any redeeming quality to this film? You decide. A big clue, none of the cast and crew use their real names in the credits. Let us take a look at 1973's "The Last House on Dead End Street," directed by Roger Watkins. Low budget, grindhouse, exploitation, and a few inches away from porn. Snuff?  You may wonder.

Terry (Watkins) gets out of jail and is angry. He now wants to make films. He assembles a bunch of perverts who do porn films and offers them a chance to do something a bit different...a bit more extreme. He has some helpers. The beautiful but psycho Kathy (Kathy Curtin) who will ultimately help him disembowel and dissect beautiful women is on board as well as pornographers Ken (Ken Fisher) and Bill (Bill Schlageter). Now let us talk Patricia (Patricia Kuhn). She is an actress/performer. Her husband Jim (Edward E. Pixley) is having trouble selling his porn. He throws parties in which Patricia dresses in lingerie, shoe polishes her face black, and allows some guy to whip the snot out of her. I assume this is weird, though maybe I don't get out enough.

Kathy convinced Patricia to act in Terry's movies. She does. Terry muscles a deviant promoter, a couple of actresses, and Patricia's husband to come to his set. There the carnage continues. References to Zeus, virgins, human sacrifice, and mutilation seem to define Terry's theme. There will be long and excruciating scenes of beautiful woman getting gutted and having their legs amputated while alive. Eyeballs will meet power drills, goat hoofs will be sucked, and innards will be yanked out of abdomens. All for what?

What are Terry's motives in pulling women apart...and some men? Will anyone survive Terry's cinematic wrath? Goat hoofs? Does this movie make a statement about the increasing misogyny in western civilization. Does this film promote misogyny in western civilization? Should it have ever been made? I know...gross! Despicable! No way! I get it. For the record I'm not recommending it...but admit it, you're curious and some of you are looking for it now. "The Last House on Dead End Street," you can watch it and never have to tell anyone you did.

World War Bigfoot, Sasquatch and the Krauts

Krauts! Yes...gotta love the Germans...Krauts! These war movies when our side calls them Krauts are so priceless.  Germans don't yell and scream for us to stop using "the K-word." Gotta love them for that. You don't get fired from your job or banned from social media, even in Germany, for using the "K-word." Krauts! There!  Today we have a war movie, entirely factual (not really) about Bigfoot's involvement in World War 2. I bet if we called Bigfoot a "Skunk Ape," the Bigfoot community would not yell and scream for us to stop using the "S-word." SKUNK!  SKUNK!  SKUNK! They probably even laugh at that term. Our feature today is 2026's "World War Bigfoot," directed by Jason Mills. 

Secret missions abound. Sarge (Gavin Marck) leads a ragtag group of GIs into the European forests on a secret mission.  The Germans have sent a similar team in. The Krauts and the Yankees...Ha! Yankees!  The Y-word!  Guess who is not getting wet in the panties because they were called the "Y-word"? Back to the plot. The Yanks and the Krauts battle and most die. The troops are scattered and two medics, the Yank Doc (Jason Benson) and a Kraut try to save some of the wounded...to no avail. Sarge survives and when asked about the mission by fellow GIs, he kills them. Uh oh...Bigfoot appears and he is wounded. Doc tries to save him and the Kraut medic tries to help...to no avail. Other Bigfoots witness this unsuccessful act of charity.

Meanwhile Sarge continues murdering any soldier, Yank or Kraut, who might compromise the secrecy of this mission...to secure a Bigfoot. Sarge finds Doc and Doc realizes there is something off about his commander. Sarge is intent on killing a Bigfoot and is delighted to find the dead one. Doc kind of likes The Bigfoot...even though it probably smells like a skunk...hence we can call it a Skunk Ape without being banned from civilization. The German medic is hiding because Sarge would surely kill him...though it is apparent that Sarge intends to off Doc. Growls in the distance suggest more and more Bigfoots are converging and do not appreciate humans waging war in their home.

Will Doc survive this insane mission and his mad commander?  Will the Bigfoot community survive the human inflicted war in their forest?  Will members of the Bigfoot community be appointed to governmental boards, or UN agencies, to make up for their marginalization by the world community in the past? This may be one of the most important World War 2 movies ever made...but probably not. Still, it is not as preachy as "Saving Private Ryan," and Krauts the world over will appreciate not being stereotyped in this film. So grab yourself a hotdog and add some sauerkraut, and enjoy "World War Bigfoot."
    

Who is Killing the Cheerleaders?, A True Humanitarian

Who is killing the cheerleaders? Whoever it is, it ain't being done fast enough. I mean, get a flame thrower or a dozen grenades...have mercy upon us, take them all out! Okay, no one loves cheerleaders more than I. Watch any NFL game and the only ones putting effort across, aren't the so-called athletes, but the real athletes, the cheerleaders. In sports the players have become less talented over the years and are infested with marijuana, bad hair, stupid tattoos, and a penchant for throwing games at the behest of gambling interests. Cheerleaders? Still pure...no prostitution scandals, drug scandals, and if they eat too much, they are thrown off the squad. Yes! But in our film today, they are unlikable, don't cheer, and make everyone defensive or sad. Mercifully, someone is killing them...or should be killing them. Let us look at 2020's "Who is Killing the Cheerleaders?," directed by Jeff Hare.

Yep, 10 years ago a high school cheer team was slaughtered and the killer has never been found. Present day, the only cheerleader who survived, Elliette (Ella Cannon), is returning to town to become an English teacher at the school. Yep, traumatized to the point of amnesia about the event, Elliette does not remember who the killer was.  Worse yet, the memories that seem to be slowly coming back suggest she is the butcher. To handle the PTSD of that traumatic event, Elliette becomes the cheer coach. Other suspects...everyone! The guy she had a crush on in high school, Jonathan (Austin Freeman), who is now hot for her. The nerd Lisbeth (Kayla Fields) who thought all cheerleaders were b***hes in high school, but now befriends Elliette. Everyone!

So now she's back and weirdness rules the day in her life.  Her memory seems to be bad and killings begin happening. Elliette's cell phone pings at and during all the murder scenes. Her diary has confessions to the murders which she does not remember writing.  Then the cheerleaders on her own squad are murdered one by one the way they were murdered 10 years ago...or are they?   Now even Elliette's bestie and new BF believe she is the killer.  The cops even suspect her.  Oh, the cheerleaders? Worry not, none of these gals will ever make the Dallas Cowboys, Las Vegas Raiders, or Miami Dolphins squads...no way, Jose!

Is Elliette the killer, or is this too easy?  Are the present day cheerleaders really being murdered? Why can't someone make one of those 1970s drive-in/exploitation films about cheerleaders in peril? However unsatisfying this one is, if you want to see a cheerleader in peril film that will not arouse you, see "Who is Killing the Cheerleaders?" 

Amityville VR, Evil Delivered through AI

I asked Google how many "Amityville" movies there were.  Over 50 it said. I asked Grok.  It says 60-70. I thought the number would be well over 300...I still do. Here is the irony. A movie from the so-called "Amityville" franchise, made by real humans, with real actors and real actresses, set in a real town, and using real sets...no AI and no CGI...lectures us on the dangers of AI. Think about that. Anyway, let us look at 2024's "Amityville VR," directed by Matt Jaissle. 

The world is in peril. A rogue AI program, delivered by an AI terrorist has shut down all government computers.  Healthcare comes to a halt...though that may be reality.  Transportation is shut down. The military is shut down.  Just about everything. Two G-Men (Matt Jaissle and Jim Bunny Bundshuh) capture a suspect. Stuart (Chris Heikka). They want to know if he's working with the Russians, Chinese, or Hezbollah. Stuart is bloodied and the feds are ready to torture him. Change of plans, the G-Men put some Virtual Reality (VR) goggles on him and tell the schmuck to go into a VR world and find a demon queen.  The demon queen (Amanda Foster) must be stopped as she is the key to the AI virus turning the government off. Stuart has no choice and goes into a weird AI world. There he meets an ally, or is he an ally? The bloody skeleton tells Stuart what he must do.  Stuart is also told the two G-Men will kill him and he must murder them first.

Stuart goes on a weird journey that eventually takes him to the demon queen's red cabin in the woods.  There, the demon queen has another weird demon henchman there.  Stuart must outsmart the demon queen in order to prevail and return to his own reality.  Wait...does this sound like a great movie or what? Well, it beats "The Devil Wears Prada 2" and "Avatar."  Okay, maybe not as good as "Avatar 2."  Just kidding...much better than "Avatar 2."  All those aforementioned films were also made with real people and real sets...just saying.

Go ahead.  Poo-poo on AI, though after seeing this film you will be cheering for AI.  Not to criticize Matt Jaissle and his efforts here.  He gives us an ambitious voyage into a weird VR world guided by AI integration.  Oh, Amityville?  What does this film have to do with Amityville? Nothing!  Still, "Amityville VR" sounds better than "Springfield VR" or "Compton VR." 

Berserk, Circus Horror

Remember when we had circuses?  Real circuses.  Circuses men and their sons could go to and enjoy. The PC crowd did away with that and liberal activists just could not allow any does of manhood to seep into a dad's relationship with his sons. Instead we have the orgasmic metrosexual monstrosity called Cirque du Soleil...any limp-wristed, milquetoast, wuss claims they enjoy. Read men...real Americans...pine for the days of Ringling Brothers.  Elephants!  Midgets!  Camels! Etc. Now we get New Age images of weakness and nature imagery masquerading as entertainment. Let us travel back to a real circus in the 1967 film "Berserk," directed by Jim O' Connolly. This is an odd one...kind of a Hammer film, but not flashy and biting enough.  Then kind of a Hitchcock one, but not as witty. A tweener, let's say. Filmed using a real circus, not a wuss quasi ballet performances masquerading as a circus.

As the film opens, a tightrope walker is murdered in front of the circus audience. He is the first. Uncaring circus owner, Monica Rivers (Joan Crawford) is annoyed this could effect the gate. On cue, a drifter enters the circus camp who wants the job as the new tightrope walker...interesting timing. Frank (Ty Hardin) is the hunk new act and he tries to seduce Monica, despite a 30-year age difference. It works and Monica will make him partner. Partner, yep...see, Albert (Michael Gough), the old partner, gets a spike in the back of the neck as soon as Frank arrives. Go figure. Frank does his best to woo Monica, he even tries to have pre-marital sex with her. She's smart, but eventually falls for him. Enter the Scotland Yard detective, Brooks (Robert Hardy). He is suspicious of everyone.

Now we meet the lovely blonde magician's assistant, Matilda (Diana Dors). She wears skimpy costumes and allows her husband to saw her in half in one of their tricks. She tries to seduce Frank, he rebuffs. Mad, Matilda tells Brooks that Monica is the killer. Uh oh...the babe Angela (Judy Geeson) arrives. The pert blonde is Monica's daughter and just got thrown out of boarding school. She is put to work as the babe in the skimpy costume for the knife throwing act. Guess what...Frank has killed before and Brooks knows it. As all clues point to Frank, and also Monica, Brooks tries to make sense out of it. What's worse is the fate that awaits one of our blonde lovelies. 

Are either Frank or Monica the killer, or is this too easy?  Will Matilda be sawed in half, and/or will Angela end up with 15 knives in her gut?  Will Brooks be able to catch the killer and save the circus? For all of you who grew up when we had real circuses, this film will bring back great memories.  Still, "Berserk" is a gory murder mystery with elephants, clowns, acrobats, magic acts, lion tamers, etc...so enjoy!

What Lives Here, Jersey Horror

Jersey or Joisy? Today, the best film ever to emerge from Atlantic Highlands, New Jersey. Filmed at the old Edwards Mansion, a real slasher in the attic story.  Okay, flawed, but you gotta like the characters and the actors and actresses turn in realistic performances. Also, the kills are uber gory, and given the victims are all from New Jersey...well...that's fine with us. Our feature today is 2024's "What Lives Here," directed by Troy Burbank. 

Okay, I admit it...Troy Burbank gives us some really likable characters.  The kinds of blokes and skanks we all know. Tip Top Restoration and Junk Removal is contracted to clean out a mansion so it can be sold. The shady realtor, James (Christian Keiber) pays top dollar and twice that for Lee's (Jeff Swanton) company to come from three hours away to do the week long job. None of the local companies, or anyone local, will go anywhere near the mansion...why? Worry not, we are let in on a grotesque backstory that gets worse at every telling. The very gory opening scene alludes to it, in fact. Now the men arrive and find out their hotel reservation fell through and will have to spend the first night in the mansion. Uh oh...a weird old lady, who hides in the attic takes a kid and murders others as the house is now being intruded upon.

After a night of drinking, Lee's crew brings back some skanks for pre-marital sex. Cole (Peter Hogan) and Laurie (Jackie Adragna) pair up and are torn apart by the old fiend. Dillon (Dan Gregory ) and Emma (Katie Walsh) also pair up and are ripped to shreds after doing the dirty deed. Now, one by one, the other Tip Top guys come back after a night of drinking and pool. The kills get gorier and one poor schmuck gets axed in half. Beau (Burbank) and Vito (Robert Ruvolo) come back grouchy with plans of scaring the quartet that has just been shredded...they're too late, in more ways than one. Finally Lee comes back and sees the carnage, tries to rescue any survivors, and finds out the horror that exists in this mansion is way more evil and scary than we thought.

Will anyone make it out of this mansion alive? Will anyone in New Jersey be able to escape the exorbitant taxes and human waste-oids that come over across the bridge from New York City? Will Lee be able to clean out the house of junk, internal organs, blood stained hard wood floors, a decapitated head or two, and lopped off arms and legs? All in all an effective slasher film with ominous twists and non-stop gore.  See "What Lives Here" and don't get off any exit when you travel the New Jersey Turnpike.