Mortal Game, Predator Rip-Off

A rip-off? Yep, but let's be honest...that is not necessarily a bad thing. After all, isn't "Jaws" a mere rip-off of "Moby Dick"? Instead of a grunting Arnold Schwarzenegger, we have a screaming Danielle Alexis. Okay, you had to ask...who is Daniella Alexis? She's kind of cute and boy can she scream.  Not in horror but in bacchanal anger and determination. You'll ask why can't your mate scream like that?  Throw a seemingly unbeatable creature into your role playing, and she might.  Our feature today is the "Predator" rip-off, 2024's "Mortal Game," directed by John Lechago.

As our film begins we meet out hunters and don't like any of them. When Jessie (Alexis) begins screaming, this will change. These hunters have paid top dollar to be brought to this island to hunt the most dangerous predator ever...though no one knows what it is. Jessie is cute but obviously deadly with her weapon of choice...the crossbow. Bailey (Madison Caan) is the other gal, and as you may have heard in "Highlander," there can be only one. Murphy (Kevin Lloyd Reid) is the very serious guide.  He knows things.  He knows this creature is not human or animal, but maybe an E.T. He's tough and serious and won't be around long. There are others. Uh oh...thinking they're alone the hunting party meets a crazy remnant from the previous party. He is quite mad and his mates are long gone...and he will be too.

The creature they believe they are hunting is actually hunting them and doing a great job. He's big, has razor sharp claws, fast as a gazelle, and toothy.  He toys with the hunters and looks like he is having fun with them. The hunters are not that good and keep stepping in bear traps.  Jessie begins screaming and that does brighten our spirits.  Unfortunately for her, the creature is not intimidated by her scream.  Still, she will yell at the creature but will it be enough?

Is Jessie coming across as a woman who is always screaming at people and creatures enough to make us cheer for the creature?  Will Jessie scream at the other babe in the film causing a catfight?  Will the creature ever scream back at this mad babe?  This is a gory one with a high death count. The creature is nasty and will even wipe off a face or two from the invading hunters. See "Mortal Game" and treat yourself to a screaming babe who isn't screaming at you at the moment.

Meth Gator, Addicted in the Swamp

Remember Meth was the scourge of America's youth.  Before that crack.  Before that cocaine. Before that PCP.  LSD and marijuana were before that.  I guess now we have Fentanyl murdering us by the hundreds of thousands. It is easy to forget alligators.  They probably eat millions of Floridians per year.  Combine the lizard creature with a Meth addiction and we have a neat one from The Asylum...2023's "Meth Gator," directed by Christopher Olen Ray.

Yep...we'll be cheering for the gator. Sheriff Williams (Bruce Peoples) and his deputy get the drop on a couple of Meth dealers. A chase into the swamp ensues and massive amounts of Meth are thrown into the swamp. The gator swallows it and eats one of the dealers and a deputy. Now the gator behaves like an addict...even loses a tooth or two. Dante (LaRonn Marzett) arrives from the DEA in order to help the sheriff find a massive Meth lab in the swamp and to kill the gator.  He meets up with an old flame, Anna (Vanesa Tamayo) who used to be a cop...and now is a bartender...don't ask. The gator gets jumpy and seeks more Meth. He'll eat more Meth dealers, a bikini babe, a cell tower, more deputies, the mayor, etc.  The kill count will be high. 

Bithlo (Ray Acevedo) is a gator hunter but not a very good one.  His drone will get eaten by the creature and he'll be chased by it continually throughout the film.  In one of the most awkward scenes in film history, Dante will come upon some rednecks drinking beer at a campfire and enter a slapping-in-the-face contest with one of them. Don't ask.  Mercifully, the scene ends and our merry group of characters continue their trek to find the gator and the mega-lab.

Is there any chance that the gator will prevail?  Will Anna and Dante get back together, and will they actually make us care?  Is this film an accurate representation of what America's war on Fentanyl is destined to become? Maybe "Fentanyl Croc"?  For some neat alligator horror, with a high kill count, and an explosive ending... see "Meth Gator." 

Life Blood, Two Hot Lesbian Vampires

Two hot lesbian vampires who make-out a lot. A sheriff's department with a mean sheriff, a midget deputy, and a sultry Asian babe deputy. A high kill count with a lot of blood.  A god, or an angel, or demon portrayed by a hot babe. Catfights. I know...I asked the same thing.  How did we miss this 2009 film?  Today we look at "Life Blood," directed by Ron Carlson.

As our film begins the sultry Brooke (Sophie Monk) is making out with the equally as hot Rhea (Anya Lahiri). The two lesbian lovers are at a New Year's Eve party in 1969 at a Hollywood actor's (Justin Shilton) place. The actor tries to make moves on Brooke and Rhea but is rebuffed.  He finds Carrie (Scout Taylor-Compton) and tries to rape her.  Brooke intervenes and stabs the actor 87 times. Now on the run, Brooke and Rhea pull over. Rhea is a good soul and wants to go back. Wait!  God (Angela Lindvall) comes down, kills Brooke, and makes Rhea a vampire. Rhea's job is to rid the world of evil people. Rhea begs this god-babe into bringing Brooke back to life.  Mistake.

40 years later, Brooke and Rhea emerge from a cocoon as vampires.  Brooke is evil and kills everyone she meets.  Rhea tries to stop her.  A sheriff's department finds the bodies. Now the sheriff (Charles Napier), his midget deputy (Danny Woodburn), and his hot Asian deputy (Jennifer Tung) are after the duo. The duo get holed up in a hostage situation and more neck-biting and murder takes place. Now a catfight as Rhea realizes Brooke can't be reformed. The cops close in.  A moment of truth between the good vampire Rhea and the evil vampire Brooke is at hand.  More kissing...and biting ensue.

Will Rhea be forced to murder her lover, Brooke?  Will Brooke murder Rhea?  Will any of these two babe vamps feed on the hot Asian chick deputy?  Erotic and vicious.  For a steamy and bloody vampire film, see "Life Blood."  

Centipede Horror, A Yuck-Fest From Hong Kong

Leave it to Asian horror to come up with the most disgusting ways to die. At or near the top of the list is having centipedes explode out of your body and then, once outside, eat you. Think of it...you cough...a few centipedes explode out of your mouth...you vomit...same result. All those sores on your flesh which the doctors can't figure out...also exit portals for our 100 legged friends. Today, from Hong Kong...1982's "Centipede Horror" (aka "Wu Gong Zhou").

The very pretty Kay and Amy vacation in southeast Asia. Neither of these nubile women will stay pretty, as they are attacked by thousands of centipedes. Amy will die immediately, but Kay will hang on until her brother makes it to the hospital. As Pak (Mui Kui Wai) visits his ailing sister, she dies as hordes of centipedes crawl out of her wounds. Doctors are baffled...nothing new there...but Pak is told his sister fell victim to an evil curse. Pak is joined by the beautiful Chee (Margaret A. Li) and the two find out that Pak's grandfather did something unspeakable 50 years ago, hence a curse was put on his family.

Now Chee and Pak must figure out a way to fight and end the curse. Meanwhile, our duo find a priest who just may be able to help him. As they meet him, he is in the midst of an exorcism which will have two ghost children assist the priest in saving a nubile unfortunate. The priest will be successful as the babe vomits loads of scorpions...what a story she'll have to tell.  Beware, the evil priest responsible for the curse is cunning and will try to wipe out Pak through Chee. As the beautiful Chee is possessed by the evil priest and millions of centipedes converge on Pak, it all looks hopeless.  The pretty Chee is now controlled by centipedes living inside her head (literally), and Pak won't be able to resist her seductive signals.

Will our dueling priests settle this before Pak has to act with a giant can of Raid? Will Chee and Pak's first go at pre-marital sex end in a shower of centipedes? Is a shower of centipedes a fetish for Asian businessmen?  This is an icky one and you'll be feeling bugs crawling all over you long after the end credits roll. I hope the actresses were paid well for their efforts in this film because there are a lot of crawling centipedes spit out of their mouths. For a true Asian ick-fest, see "Centipede Horror," directed by Keith Li. 

Swap, Erotic Vampire Tale

In the style of Jean Rollin, and the Euro-Trash subgenre, we have a uber-erotic vampire film today.  Sure, the story is not anything surprising.  The twists are predictable.  The scares are mediocre.  However, first and foremost...this is an exercise in eroticism...the toothy kind.  This movie is all erotic, all the time.  With a great looking cast, of four, nude, sweaty, and in the throes of passion for almost the entire film, those of you who like your vampires sultry, hunky, and erotic, we have 2024's "Swap," directed by Dallas King.

Hunk cop Rad (James Eastwood) and hot GF Kayla (Jessica Leila Greene) begin the film in the throes of sweaty and deviant passion. They are so in love. Uh oh...Kayla is getting bored and wants to either introduce a third into their sex activities, or another couple. Rad is hesitant. No matter, the two lovers head off for a weekend with Kayla's buddy, the hot blonde Glory (Erin Anne Gray) and her fiancé, the hunk Angelo (King). When they arrive, they walk in on Glory and Angelo having hot sweaty sex. The quartet will have a great time at the mountaintop luxury home as Angelo and Glory broach the subject of more deviant and exploratory sex. Kayla is all for it, Rad is not. As a compromise, topless hot tub activities with the two babes in make-out sessions will follow.

Rad is feeling left out as he is the only skeptic to threesomes or foursomes. Uh oh, Angelo and Glory are sexual vampires...feeding on orgasms and deviance.  Glory will get Kayla alone in a steamy and erotic bath.  The two babes will be all over one another.  Angelo gets Rod alone and tries to sell him on the idea of swinging or foursomes...and to give a hint to what they are.  As Kayla and Glory bring one another to...glory...Glory bares her fangs and...well, you'll see.

Do Glory and Angelo desire to turn the hot guests into vampires, or to eat them?  Will Rad be able to hold out and maintain his humanity and to also keep Kayla from going to the undead side?  Will the hot, sweaty, and lathery gals engage in catfights over the two hunks?  There will be spankings, whippings, lipstick lesbian deviance, and blood.  For an incredibly seductive vampire film, with a hot cast, see "Swap."  

The Forest Hills, Werewolves, Brain Injuries, and Madness

Admittedly, this will be a difficult one to defend...but I will. Great cast. Dee Wallace! Felissa Rose! Shelley Duvall! Not just cameos, but all significant roles. Ms. Duvall plays her role so well in this brutal horror flick that we wince every time she is on the screen. Gore! A death count that will be astronomical! The most psycho of psychos ever put on the silver screen!  Our feature today is 2023's "The Forest Hills," directed by Scott Goldberg.

Rico (Chiko Mendez). Pure psycho.  Homicidal psycho. Head injuries, demented parents, abuse, and werewolves did not help his upbringing...thus he is insane. As our film begins he gets word that his estranged mother (Duvall) is dying. He returns...and murders her. Not an easy scene to watch. Flashbacks hint at a murderous childhood that riddles him with guilt, trauma, and homicidal tendencies. Now we witness Rico's further descent into madness. He gets back together with his therapy group. Yep, this is a group of insane peeps who suffered head injuries. This group includes Billy (Edward Furlong). Not a healthy group to hang with, I must say. He'll kill most of them. Now Rico believes werewolves stalk the forest around him and are closing in on him. Uh oh...Rico wrestles with a revelation...is he the werewolf?

Rico flashes back about the boss who fired him (Wallace). Yep...poor Dee Wallace. Rico feels compelled to pay her a visit. A massacre in a diner will result. With big knives, guns, or his bare hands, Rico's death count, massacre aside, will be a couple dozen.  Even his very pretty therapist (Caitlyn Classey) will not be deemed too pretty to die horribly. The werewolves converge, at least in his mind.  Now Rico allows his lycanthrope self to emerge and he himself begins to prowl the woods.

Is Rico a werewolf?  Are there really werewolves prowling the woods? Will anyone in this film that Rico comes across survive?  Bloody, thought provoking, and at times hard to watch, "The Forest Hills" is for horror fans who love horror without diversions or humorous sides. Enjoy this journey into mega-madness, and see it if you dare.

I Saw Black Clouds, Nightmarish and Ominous

You know when you look back at your childhood and remember the movies that legitimately gave you nightmares.  Growing up in the 80s, we're supposed to say "The Day After" gave us nightmares...it didn't. In fact, it bored us to tears, but to seem enlightened and socially conscious, we have to say it did. "Let's Scare Jessica to Death" gave us nightmares, but  we don't mention that. No, we say the mini-series "Holocaust" gave us nightmares, but it didn't. Still, we have to act socially conscious and fake our past fears. Today we look at a hokey film that we can't defend cinematically, other than it will give you nightmares.  Forget the "Terrifier" films, our feature today will give you nightmares. Our feature today is 2024's "I Saw Black Clouds," directed by Iain Ross-McNamee.

The lovely coed Emily (Carla Cresswell) has committed suicide.  Her girlfriends are in shock and desperate for answers.  Enter the sultry, but unhappy Kristina (Nicole O'Neill). She actually begins investigating what happened to her buddy.  This won't go well. A search of Emily's room introduces Kristina to a ghostly arm that grabs her and causes her to find Emily's diary. The diary leads Kristina to a creepy therapist, Dominique (Babette Barat), who uses hypnotism. Emily confided in Dominique that a spooky ghost of a young girl kept whispering to her and was always with her.  The ghost wanted Emily to commit suicide.

This ghost? Yep, further investigation introduces Kristina to Agnes (Ellinor Porsdotter) the ghost. Many generations ago, Agnes drowned herself and her unborn baby. Now Agnes curses the land leading young babes to also commit suicide. Now Agnes is hot after Kristina but Kristina refuses to give up her search for answers.  The quest takes her to a couple of closed down and haunted lunatic asylums,  Agnes keeps claiming coed victims. Kristina finds herself in basements, long dark corridors, or spiral staircases, always with Agnes trailing a few feet behind her.  Then Kristina discovers something horrific.  Something that might indicate she will be the next victim of Agnes' curse on the land.

Ominous and without humor or wit, this film relies on ghostly and eerie images that are all terrifying. We like Kristina but only because she is quite a dish.  Her fate seems that of a doomed beauty.  Can our sultry coed protagonist overcome a centuries old ghost? What really draws Kristina to these abandoned lunatic asylums?  Will there be a catfight between the nubile babe of the living, and the chilled and former nubile babe of the dead?  Prepare for nightmares, even though the story may be lacking.  This is after all a ghost/horror story...so enjoy "I Saw Black Clouds" and don't worry about not being amused.