Thursday, July 18, 2024

The Last Chainsaw Massacre, A Possessed Chainsaw

Yep, the Polonia Brothers have made a movie about a chainsaw. Nope...not "Amityville Chainsaw," but that one is probably on its way. In the magnum opus of the lovely Jamie Morgan, we have 2024's "The Last Chainsaw Massacre," directed by Mark Polonia. Yep...a camping in the woods story. A possession story. An urban legend story. Most of all...a chainsaw story with gore and the supernatural. To see this movie on the new free streaming service, Fawesome, click on this link. Chainsaw on Fawesome

Five buddies head into the Pennsylvania woods for a weekend of camping. Rose (Morgan) and her BF Kenny (Justin Gordon) are sweet. They'll smooch by the campfire, later. Also along are Roy (Cody Losinger) and his GF Dane (Greta Volkova). Oh, a fifth wheel, the lovely Penny (Marie DeLorenzo)...can you guess what happens to this proverbial fifth wheel? Uh oh...back in '86 Ripper Jack terrorized these woods with his chainsaw chopping up half the townsfolk. He's a legend still. Supposedly dead, Ripper Jack's body was never found. A creepy gas station clerk (Michael Korotitsch) warns the campers to beware...the campers scoff at this. Uh oh, before entering the woods, Kenny buys a chainsaw to cut firewood at a used hardware store...see what's coming?

Ripper Jack is indeed in the woods and lurking. Is it him though...or his spirit? Kenny is the first to be possessed. He revs up the chainsaw and Ripper Jack's spirit enters his body. He' won't be the last and now Kenny will act as Ripper Jack guides him. This won't be good news for she will lose her head. Now all the campers are in peril. More possessions and more chainsaw murders will occur. Finally, Mr. Martin (Jeff Kirkendall) enters the plot. He's been waiting for Ripper Jack's return for decades. This guy's son was murdered by Ripper Jack back in '86. His plan to combat Ripper Jack is not a good one.

Will any of the campers survive the wrath of Ripper Jack's spirit? Will Rose be able to jolt Ripper Jack's spirit out of her BF Kenny?  Is this film the one Tobe Hooper wanted to make but for the Hollywood censors of the early 1970s? Jamie Morgan is terrific as is the rest of the cast. For a classic themed slasher film, paying homage to one of the greatest franchises (no, not the Amityville one), see "The Last Chainsaw Massacre."   

Tuesday, July 16, 2024

Dogs of Hell, Those Mangy Mutts on the Warpath

Dogs! Ick! Man's best friends. Come on. To you dog lovers...try some human contact and get out of your mother's basement.  Live a girl...maybe kiss her...and leave the animal world behind. Many cultures eat those want to sleep with them. Sure...put an animal in your bed. How brilliant is that? They crap all over the place. They bark at things that shouldn't be barked at. They demand all their bowel movements be supervised by you. Today we look at a 1983 film directed by Worth Keeter, "Dogs of Hell" (aka "Rottweiler 3D").

A secret army experiment gets out of hand. The same army that seems allergic to winning a war has bred Rottweilers to replace the soldier on the battlefield. Head scientist, Fletcher (Bill Gribble), warns the army that these dogs have become evil and are more dangerous than originally thought. After the transport that is moving the dogs crashes, the dogs are loose in a resort town. The town, Lake Lure, has a sheriff named Hank. A low energy guy with a big gun. The Rottweilers will strike right away.  The first victims are some nubile and frisky models at a campsite in the woods.  The babes will be shredded. Now we meet Denny (Robert Bloodworth) and his babe wife, Kim (Kathy Hasty). They run the local watering hole. This is significant because they put on female mud wrestling matches in their establishment. Nothing to do with the plot, but who will object to gratuitous mud wrestling.

Okay, the dogs keep shredding townsfolk. Fletcher arrives and tells Hank that he'd like to capture the dogs alive. The dogs seem to prefer babes...very sad. Hank is not of the same mindset and will have the opportunity to blow the buggers away...but there are a ,lot of little buggers. More attacks. Just like the killer whale in the Richard Harris film "Orca," these mangy bastards begin burning down the town. Don't ask.  Uh oh...the babe bar wench, Kim, is now in  mortal danger as the dogs chase her and Denny to the roof. Don't ask. Now Hank realizes his number one enemy is Fletcher, not the dogs. Fortunately, the sheriff keeps blowing away the fury demons. Will he have enough bullets?

Just how does a Rottweiler burn down a town? Would people in America's marginalized communities still be starving if we decided to eat the dogs instead of sleeping with them? If the army can't even use a missile system in combat correctly, can we trust them to use animals? Cheesy and campy, this 3D movie is a lot of fun. Though MST3K never picked up on it, you can play Joel and the robots when you and friends watch "Dogs of Hell."


Sunday, July 14, 2024

Bull Shark 2, A Toothy Lake Menace

A couple of years ago Russia invaded The Ukraine and this blog reacted by reviewing "Bull Shark." Two years later we can call that shark film very prescient as Russia has destroyed The Ukrainian army and embarrassed NATO. Today we take a look at "Bull Shark 2," directed by Brett Bentman. Incredibly faithful to the book, this film is just as likable. Absent from this film are two annoying female characters; the wife of the game warden and the coroner with the eating disorder.

It's back!  The bull shark. Two babes (Aedin Waldorf and Isabella Olivas) and their annoying hunk friend (Dylan Boehm) are eaten when they go swimming in a Texas lake. Now, one of the babe's mother wants the game warden responsible for killing the first bull shark, Spencer (Thom Hallum), to find her daughter's remains. I know...grieving can take many a weird form. The problem, the hunt for the first one drove him into alcoholism. Now he is unemployed and refusing to go into the water. His buddy, the redneck who was responsible for putting bull sharks into the lake, and new game warden, Nolan (Billy Blair) begs him to clean himself up and go hunt for the shark. Of course, the mayor (Chad Ridgely) and sheriff (Tom Zombred) deny there is a shark in the lake as the tourist season is about to begin.

Spencer relents and shelves the alcohol, for the most part. Now he grabs some chum and his buddy Nolan and goes hunting. He'll yell at the mayor and sheriff about the safety of the swimmers (the film "Jaws" will steal this scene), and yell at Nolan.  His plan?  A bad one.  In fact it is really stupid, kind of like NATO's military strategy. Winging it, him and Nolan find the creature...or, I should say, the shark finds them. Armed with a syringe filled with a drug that combats depression, Spencer seems outmatched as he enters the lake again.

Will Nolan and Spencer be able to kill the shark?  Will there be anymore babes in bikinis, or were they all eaten in the opening scene? Was the release of the film timed for the 75th anniversary of NATO in order to be a metaphor for that organization's ineffectiveness and stupidity?  See "Bull Shark 2" as Shark Week comes to an end on Discovery and sink your teeth into a gritty and realistic fish tale. 

Friday, July 12, 2024

The Bunnyman Massacre, Nubile Babe Campers Shredded

Total depravity? Perhaps. No redeeming qualities? Well, that depends. If you are a guy in a poolhall who has just been dumped by your GF...or a guy taken to the cleaners in a divorce...or a citizen of one of these weak European countries watching your civilization being ruined by a female president...then, maybe this film will serve to cheer you up. Today we look at "The Bunnyman Massacre," directed by Carl Lindbergh.  Alas, the fairer sex will not fare well. One can't help thinking how gleeful New Zealand was when they threw out their demented female president.

We shouldn't be pulling for them, but there we are. Okay, Joe (David Scott) runs a general store in a quasi-ghost town. His halfwit and horribly deformed brother wears a bunny suit. As the film begins, Bunnyman invades a school bus filled with children and chainsaws most of them. He'll traipse along the countryside committing more massacres including two babe campers and their hunk BF. Seems they were engaging in pre-marital sex. Joe happens across four nubile hikers. Okay, this is sad. Jamie Bernadette is one of this blog's favorite actresses. She'll only last a minute as Bunnyman machetes her. Well, Bunnyman and Joe abduct Sarah (Julianna Dowler), who just lost her mom and dad, her her bestie Lauren (Jennifer June Rose).

Getting deeper into depravity, Joe forces Sarah to do the ungodly and perhaps join the ranks of the depraved.  Sarah does it well, but it is all to save Lauren.  Sarah enters a pact with the devil, or Joe and Bunnyman, and a whole slew of babe hikers will die horribly because of it. As the beautiful fall, Sarah and Lauren see an opportunity to flee.  Alas, Joe and Bunnyman are smarter than them and expert trackers. What happens next revs up the depravity level and unless you are one of the aforementioned groups of men, this won't be the feel good film of the 21st century.

Will Sarah and Lauren survive with their sanity and all their limbs?  Is killing off Jamie Bernadette in such a brutal and rapid manner a good way to get the film audience on your side? Is this film a metaphor of what Red State America has planned for Blue State America? I'm told this is a sequel and I must I want to see the other one. For hardcore horror fans only, and recent divorced men, see "The Bunnyman Massacre."  

Wednesday, July 10, 2024

Jurassic Triangle, Dinosaurs and a Big Crab-Man Monster in the Bahamas

 Okay, today we have another film that won't get much love. Pity! It is actually better than most of those "Jurassic Park" idiocies. Realistic? About as realistic as "Jurassic Park," except without annoying kids. This one is from England where Boris Johnson, Liz Truss, and Rishi Sunak just destroyed the entire country. Sadly, Keir Starmer has taken over there and promises to destroy it even more. Even sadder, Prince Charles is now King Charles...egads! So, when a major British corporation needs to do a team building weekend, they take choppers to the Bahamas. Right...don't ask. Today we look at "Jurassic Triangle," directed by Victor De Almeida. 

Two choppers fly into the Bahamas and get sucked into a vortex to the Bermuda Triangle. Happens. Just before that some British commandos, that have lost every battle and war ever since Prince Harry played soldier in the army, there, were eaten by dinosaurs. Sadly Danielle Scott was one of them. There will be more British commandos, but they'll all be eaten. Of more relevance to our plot, Cpt. Rawson (Rob Kirtley) and Jenny (Dorothea Jones) are two inept pilots and crash land on an island. Philipa (Chrissie Wunna) is the sultry boss and we cheer for her because she has great big...eyelashes. Now the team building exercise is marooned on an island in the Bermuda Triangle infested with dinosaurs, weird gigantic bugs, and a swarm of these crab-man-scorpion monsters.  These things are actually quite cool and spit stuff on you that makes you blow up, just like the current Labour Party.

Beth (Sian Altman) loves PTSD-ridden Drew (Darrell Griggs). Her former lover, a failed-alcoholic doctor, Isaac (Toby Redpath) is also along on this trip. She can really pick them, kind of like the British voters. A few more are stranded with them. The team will not bond or build, but get eaten. The weird giant spiders, giant scorpions, pterodactyls, and a  T-Rex will hunt them. Uh oh...Drew thinks he's been there before. Uh oh, Cpt. Rawson has a motive for crashing them on the other side of this vortex. Uh oh...a big crab-man thing develops a liking for Philipa (not that we won't). Beth will yell at her current and former boyfriend, Jenny will fall in love with a cast member who will be sucked dry by a big bug, and Rawson will confess something horrible. Perhaps this film will serve as a metaphor for what Labour has in mind for England's future.

Will the lovely Chrissie Wunna survive the crush the monster has on her?  Will Beth's bad taste in men lead to her ruination?  Just what secret does Rawson harbor?  Oh...the ending?  Superb, and probably a metaphor for what England will face after Johnson, Truss, Sunak, and now Starmer did and does to them. See "Jurassic Triangle," an English film that will prove quite prescient.    

Monday, July 8, 2024

Count Dracula's Great Love, Euro-Babes Catfight for Dracula

Okay, cleavage and catfights! Euro-trash can't get any better. Babes in negligees catfighting. Cleavage shoved at us with reckless abandon. Vamps putting damsels in bondage and whipping them. Nubile babes and vamps feeling each other up. Negligees ripped off and bacchanal passion resulting.  We have one from Spain today, and yes Paul Naschy is Count Dracula. He'll have  quite a performance as he'll have to feel up and lick some sultry Euro-babes. Yes there will also be ugly guy vampires, but in 1973's "Count Dracula's Great Love," directed by Javier Aguirre, negligee clad or nude damsels with impressive cleavage are in great peril from toothy menaces. 

Imre (Victor Barrera), a useless guy, loves Marlene (Ingrid Garbo) and her cleavage. Too bad he's useless...he'll be offed by a minor league vampire. Also in a broken down stagecoach are nubile babes, all with impressive cleavage, Elke (Mirta Miller), Karen (Haydee Politoff), and Senta (Rosanna Yanni). Lucky for these peeps, with the stage unrepairable, a closed down sanitorium is nearby. Uh oh...Count Dracula, going as Dr. Marlowe, welcomes the ill-fated travelers. He offers them all accommodation. Dracula appears to be a lucky man. He needs a virgin to sacrifice over the corpse of his long dead daughter in order to resurrect her. Dracula's big question...are any of these nubile cleavage babes virgins? He goes through them all...or should I say, puts them each through an evaluation period. 

Senta and him seem to have the most passionate pre-marital sex...but we could all have told Dracula Senta is no virgin. Still, her performance was staggering. Okay, Karen emerges. With no use for Senta, Elke, and Marlene, the three non-virgin babes are turned into vamps in entirely different ways. These three beauties will roam the countryside stringing up nubile virgins, whipping them, and drinking their blood. Karen on the other hand falls in love with Dracula and he with her. This complicates matters as Dracula had planned on draining all her blood into his daughter's corpse. Now Dracula must protect Karen from her now undead buddies and convince her to submit willingly to become a vampire. Fat chance. Or is it?

Will Karen be able to keep her womanhood or be drained of her blood by the trio of vamps in negligees?  Will Dracula completely abandon his plans to resurrect his daughter? Are make-out sessions by babe vamps either nude or in negligees a plot device that needs to return as America begins to abandon wokeness? Nudity, gore, cleavage, and catfights highlight this Gothic, Euro-trash film. See "Count Dracula's Great Love" and stay up to date on negligee fashions from Europe.      

Saturday, July 6, 2024

The Boogey Man, The Evil in the Mirror

One of the first slasher type films of the 1980s comes to us from Jerry Gross. Jerry Gross Productions gave us so many fantastic horror films, like "Zombie." Gross would gross us out with gore, slashings, cannibalism, and dismemberments. Kind of a metaphor for the Biden Administration. At about the same time "Blood Beach" came out and before "The Burning," a slasher-hall-of-fame entry was released. 1980's "The Boogey Man." This began a years long run of a slasher film or two hitting major theaters every week. Today we look at this film directed by Ulli Lommel.

Lacey and Willy (Suzanna Love and Nicholas Love), now adults, are still traumatized by a childhood horror. Instead of submitting to torture by his mom's evil boyfriend, Willy grabs a knife and stabs the guy to death as he boinks his mom. The two now live at their Aunt Helen's (Felicite Morgan) farm. The horror made Willy mute and Lacey still has awful nightmares. Jake (Ron James), a very useless sort, is now Lacey's husband and is determined to rid her of these nightmares. He'll consult a psychologist (John Carradine) and both agree Lacey must be brought back to the house the evil occurred and shown nothing lingers from that day 20 years ago.  This won't go well.  Seems a mirror captured all that evil and the ghost of the murdered evil boyfriend still exists in it. Lacey breaks the mirror in horror, thus releasing the spirit of the dead boyfriend.

The mirror shards reflect the evil and possess its victims.  Two babes that live in the house now will murder themselves as they are possessed. Jake cleans up the mirror from the floor and brings it back home. Home? Yep, its the Amityville house!  Now shards of the mirrors glass get strewn throughout the farm and cause nubile babes and their hunk boyfriends to die in gory fashion. A knife impaled kiss by two amorous teens making out is my favorite kill, You'll see. Pitchforks, scissors, knives, and the supernatural will kill so many as no one believes Lacey that the evil of 20 years ago has returned. A bloody exorcism beckons as the evil force attempts to possess Lacey into murdering her own family.  

Will Lacey be able to free herself of the evil spread by the cursed mirror shards?  Will hunk Jake ever get a brain and figure out something helpful? Will the Amityville house blow up like it does in so many sequels?  The death count is high, as is the gore level. For one of the silliest, most inane, and satisfying 80's horror films, see "The Boogey Man."