Monday, March 18, 2024

Screature of the Lagoon, Military Experiment Gone Wild

Where are Joel and the 'bots when you need them? Hey, I'm not saying today's feature is a bad movie. I loved it! Then again, I loved "Track of the Moon Beast." Okay, some apparent errors dot this plot.  I stress the word "apparent." Dead characters appearing in the next scene. Main characters getting killed...and coming back, over and over again. This one is infinitely better than "She-Hulk" or "Thor." Today we look at a film by Jake C. Young, 2021's "Screature of the Lagoon." Look at this one as a working man's "Predator."

Matt Logan (Young)!  He's buff!  He's a mercenary who can kill with his thumbs and track down any human or monster. He also looks great in a poncho. Government types find him and enlist him on a top secret mission in Canada. A government experiment went wrong and it escaped.  Now the failed experiment is a creature that kills. Matt will be matched up with three tough commandos who will all be killed...but do not fret...they'll all come back...more than once. Hey, this worked for the space-babe in "Space Mutiny" (Billy Second)!  Okay, the four set off into the woods and the army man turned monster hunts them.  One by one the commandos will be shredded and killed. This is where continuity problems are our friends. They all keep coming back. 

Matt is tough.  Sure, he'll get killed, too...but in this film, no one stays dead...just like the space-babe in "Space Mutiny," or Victoria Principal in "Dallas."  Now its personal, and Matt has a trusted machete.  The monster and Matt seem to have a date with destiny.  Wait!  The government is not Matt's friend.  As if it's any of our friends. Matt will grunt a lot.  Matt will die a lot.  Matt will prevail a lot.  A battle for humanity's survival will occur right outside Montreal and you can bet that Justin Trudeau is on the side of the evil government conspirators and the monster.

Will Matt survive the monster and the government?  Is this Screature-thing a metaphor for the Trudeau's government war on freedom and the real peeps who live in Canada?  Will the Canadian Parliament invite the Screature to address them and give it a standing ovation?  See "Screature of the Lagoon" and be glad you are not watching "Jupiter Ascending" or "The Last Airbender." 

 

Saturday, March 16, 2024

The Sleeping Room, A Prostitute, Ghosts, and a Possessed Boyfriend

Prostitutes. In films they can be such sympathetic figures.  Always hot. Always with a sad story. Always the losers of society's cruel lottery.  Today we look at a neat ghost/possession set in the seaside city of Brighton (the U.K.).  Of course our protagonist is a lovely and misunderstood call-girl.  This won't be a happy one.  Gritty, no humor, and dark...so if you like your horror movies like that, this one is for you.  So let us delve into a lurid tale that is 2014's "The Sleeping Room," directed by John Shackleton.

Blue (Leila Mimmack) is our call-girl protagonist. She has a past that is horrific.  Her mom used to be a call-girl at a brothel in Brighton called The Dells.  The mom was a whore when she went to see her parents, murdered them, and committed suicide.  This left Blue to be raised by foster parents.  Now Blue is amiss in life wondering who her mother really was and why she did what she did. One day, Blue is called to service a guy named Bill (Joseph Beattie) at the old brothel.  Bill is a contractor hired to fix the place up for sale.  Him and Blue will fall in love. Blue will also snoop around and find a lot of secrets in the house.  One secret leads to another secret and all of a sudden it appears that snuff films were filmed there and the gals who were butchered in them were never found.

Bill is quite taken with the mysterious Blue.  Blue is quite taken with him.  Uh oh...the evil guy who made the snuff films, Fiskin (Christopher Adamson) is still there.  Fiskin, is a ghost who possesses Bill. Blue finds antique reels and watches them.  They are brutal.  More ghosts will appear.  Blue's seedy existence will also come to wreak havoc on her.  A bloody ware will be fought at the old brothel.  Poor Blue, everyone and everything in her life seems attached to the horrific past of the old brother, and it and they all want her gutted.

Will Bill be able to fight the Fiskin ghost and help Blue prevail?  What secrets does the old place hold about Blue's homicidal mother?  Why did Blue's mother murder her parents and herself and is Blue condemned to repeat this horrific deed? Atmospheric and spooky, this film is also ominous and not the feel good film of 2014.  For a neat ghost/possession horror film, with a hot prostitute in much peril, see "The Sleeping Room."   

Thursday, March 14, 2024

Crocodylus, Croc-Man Eats Florida

Quirky, gratuitous, and crazy...we have a fine crocodile movie today.  In fairness to our grouchy monster, it is called a 'gator' by the insensitive characters in this film, a lot. Call a Ukrainian a Russian and...well, in a little while you might be right.  But call a croc a gator and you have a panic on your hands on the Fourth of July. A DNA experiment gone wrong. Not as bloody as when the CDC and that Fauci guy do mRNA experiments and they go wrong.  Still, in the Everglades, experimental curs for cancer are just laughed at by the reptile community.  Today we look at 2017's "Crocodylus," directed by Myles Erfurth.

Two sultry lesbian babes camp at a beautiful lagoon. They'll strip to bikinis, swap a lot of spit, feel each other up...and get eaten... by a monster, I mean! So sad. See, a weird professor (James Ferrigno) injected his son with an experimental drug because he has lymphoma.  You can guess the rest.  Now his son, now a croc monster, eats people.  Oh, if you like babes...they all will get eaten (by a croc monster) in this film. Women!  Who needs them, anyway?  Now police chief Conrad (Roberto Escobar) closes the beaches, has the coroner tell him "this was not boating accident," and incurs the mayor's wrath.  The croc monster keeps eating.  This little town has a brilliant scientist named Matt ((Nicholas Kalasinski).  He'll fall in love with a sultry blonde scientist, Ashley (Constance Payne...really). Unfortunately, they both will get eaten.  Unfortunately for Ashley...well, let's just say this croc monster still feels the need to sow his wild oats.

Okay, Jessica (Diana D'Ambrosio) is a hot policewoman, who is married to Conrad. Oh!  You won't believe her fate in this film.  Wow!  Enough of that. The croc monster eats little kids, every babe in the State of Florida, most of the cops, the mayor, and cute dogs.  Vicious.  Now Conrad has an idea.  A bad one, but it's an idea.  Sure, he bypassed 30 better ideas to land this one, but it'll make good cinema.

Will Conrad and his idea be able to murder the croc monster?  What exactly will happen to his babe policewoman wife?  Is the croc monster a metaphor for the Biden Administration's failed environmental policies' disastrous effect on the wetlands of this nation?  See "Crocodylus" and be careful not to get any ideas on how to conduct a good marriage from it.   

Tuesday, March 12, 2024

Teen Lust, Finally, Satan Picked On

Hollywood has had no trouble picking on Christianity.  So much so that Christians merely yawn at their efforts now. What if Hollywood throws barbs at the Church of Satan? Makes them look ridiculous while lampooning them?  This film was made in 2014 and swarms of locusts have yet to show up. Is this proof that Satan isn't as all-powerful as most of Hollywood thinks?  Throw in some virgins, hot babes (most not virgins), a sacrificial dagger, and frivolous carnality and we have 2014's "Teen Lust," directed by Blaine Thurier.

Neil I(Jesse Carere) is a hunk.  he's also shy...so sweet.  This high school student has a secret.  Him and his parents belong to a Church of Satan. The church is led by Priest Sheldon (Cary Elwes), and babe Priestess Mary (Kristin Bauer).  Neil can't go ten minutes at a time without humiliating himself in front of the hot babes at his school.  He also has secrets.  One, he is a Satanist. Two, the magic tricks he does are real. This won't help him get laid.  His buddy, the nerd Matt (Daryl Sabara) wants to help him get laid...he's also a member at the same 'church.' Uh oh...Sheldon, Mary, and Neil's parents (Jon Dore and Emmanuelle Vaugier) have been preserving Neil's virginity so they can offer him as a sacrifice to Satan, shortly after his 18th birthday.

Okay, a little late, but Neil figures this out.  Just before the ceremonial dagger plunges into his chest, he escapes with Matt's help.  His plan?  Yep...get de-virginized.  First up is his good friend Denise (Annie Clark).  This will be awkward...after all, Denise doesn't know about this Satan stuff.  Can you imagine the foreplay or pick-up line?  You'll see these in the movie. Now the entire church is after him.  On the run, Neil and Matt brainstorm about ways to quickly lose his virginity.  What they come up with will largely be unsuccessful, especially after the prostitute (Ali Tataryn) ends up being a Satanist. The Satanists control the town and Neil seems to be doomed as they converge.

Will Denise help out a friend and screw Neil?  Will Satanists boycott the film industry unless they secure promises from them to donate big sums of money and include Satanists in their films while portraying them positively...and donate to Satan Lives Matter?  Actually, this might have already been done.  Anyway, for an accurate portrayal of Satanists and their church, see "Teen Lust."  

Sunday, March 10, 2024

The Bogman, Bigfoot Shreds Arkansas

I love today's movie because its a damn good movie.  I love this movie because everyone in it seems to scream, "This is a damn good movie and we loved making it!" This movie isn't one the media and IMDB tell us we need to like.  So here it is..."To Kill a Mockingbird" is garbage! "In The Heat of the Night" is so over-rated and dull!  No...no one told me I have to like 2023's "The Bogman."  I like "The Bogman" because it is legitimately a good movie and fun. Yes, this is the film that has the hit single "There's a Sasquatch in My Shower!"  "Ordinary People" did not have that song in it.  Also, this is the film where the great quote is uttered, "I'm a cryptozoologist. I'm not a priest!"  That quote can't be found in "Titanic."  So let us delve into this Mitch Laing film.  No, not Fritz Lang!

Charlie Williams (Kyle Simpson) is moving his family to Mountain Bend, Arkansas to take over his uncle's farm.  Mountain Bend is a town surviving on tourism.  Any Bigfoot enthusiast comes to that town.  Bigfoot is fake...isn't he?  That's what Charlie and his wife Toshia (Chrissy Gray) tell their kids.  Wrong!  He's real and he's vicious.  After some sightings and then much bloodshed, a cable TV program hosted by Richard Brooks (Laing) hits town.  They bring with them the renowned cryptozoologist, Dr. Martin (Benjamin Gross).  Now the crew asserts themselves into the lives of the Williams' and trudge into the woods to find the enigma.  Already, the Bigfoot (Christian Gross) has shredded some hunters and maimed some ranch hands.  It isn't done.

TV crews and posses will be torn limb from limb. Charlie joins the TV crew and Deputy Thomas (Jeff Jopling) tags along for security.  War will ensue.  The Bigfoot is hardly a mere animal.  It is intelligent and ticked off.  The big smelly thing inflicts a horror on the Town of Mountain Bend unseen since all that carnage in Boggy Creek.  Arkansas will be even more traumatized than they were when Bill Clinton was raping its babes.  Arms will go flying, heads will be pulled off, throats will be shredded, and Bigfoot will assert his dominance on the proverbial food chain. 


Will Charlie and his family survive the monster's wrath?  Is Bigfoot merely begging for understanding and respect in America in the Modern Era?  Is having a human play Bigfoot a gross example of "Cultural Appropriation" by filmmaker Mitch Laing?  Oh, before I forget, this is the film in which the lovely Bree Hill plays Bree. This is a good one...don't miss "The Bogman."

Friday, March 8, 2024

The Quachita Beast Incident, Bigfoot vs. Old Guy with Yoga Mat

Born out of the resurgence of the Transcendental movement in America comes our film today. Nature!  A lot of nature.  Ralph Waldo Emerson and Henry David Thoreau would be proud.  So would Bigfoot.  This film was 30 years in the making...but finally after three decades, we have a story that can finally be told. Yes, you heard rumors of an incident in the Arkansas mountains.  This film explains what that incident was...and shows you a lot of nature. Today we look at a 2023 Master Hughes film, "The Quachita Beast Incident."  

Old but likable hiker (Hughes) is going into the Arkansas mountains to hike to a ridge.  It has been years since anyone has been up there. His buddy (Richard Rensberry) warns him that bear attacks may have occurred up there. Our hiker laughs at danger!  He is one of the last few real men left in Arkansas after the Clintons feminized that state.  Joining his hike is his old buddy (Scott F. Macdonald). The buddy is not a significant part of the story so we shall not mention him again.  Now our hiker, carrying around a Yoga mat treks onto an old overgrown trail.  Uh oh...Bigfoot starts following him.  At first our old hiker does not notice.  Soon he sees signs of the monster.

Soon enough, our hiker realizes he is being followed and very possibly hunted by the big hairy enigma. He'll even unroll his Yoga mat...it gets that scary.  Trudging through brush we are treated to more nature scenes.  Though the temptation to pause the film and meditate is intense, we keep watching.  Old man running through the woods of an Arkansas mountain as the hairy thing pursues.  Then...more nature.  30 years of nature, really.  Alas, a horrific conclusion awaits...okay, maybe not horrific.  A scary conclusion awaits...okay, not that scary.  A conclusion awaits.  Will there be a Yoga class?

Is this film a metaphor for the mistreatment of our geriatric population in America under the Biden Administration?  Will this film prop up attendance at Yoga classes even more than hot Asian Yoga instructors in those tight pants?  Will Arkansas' ethos ever be free of the Boggy Creek incident of the early 70s?  This is a film you must see.  Those of you who have hunted for our hairy cryptid will be able to relate.  See "The Quachita Beast Incident," and marvel how loyal it is to the book.

Wednesday, March 6, 2024

Asylum, Lunatic Hospital Becomes College Dorm

Ever been to a college dorm? Ever been to an asylum for the insane?  Same thing.  Sure, the looney bin may have a bit more maturity and hope for the inmates.  Today's college dorms are filled with the dregs of mankind who may escape one day and screw up this world even more. So why not merge these two in a gory and effective horror film?  Today we look at 2008's "Asylum," directed by David R. Ellis.

Six hunks and babes meet on the first day of college at their dorm. Madison (Sarah Roemer) is a babe who has issues. Her brother and dad committed suicide after claiming to hear voices. She has an instant attraction to hunk Holt (Jake Muxworthy). We find out this dashing young man is a recovering drug addict with a horrible secret in his past. Maya (Carolina Garcia) is fresh off a very abusive relationship. Ivy (Ellen Hollman) is a cutter with a ghastly past. Tommy (Travis Van Winkle) is a body builder with mommy issues. Then String (Cody Kasch), a 16-year-old computer genius. Uh oh, String finds out the dorm used to be a mental asylum for tortured teens. Back in 1935, the evil Dr. Burke (Mark Rolston) used to lobotomize the kids by sliding spikes through their eyes and into their brain.  Guess what!  Burke is back.  Back in 1935, the teen patients rebelled and murdered the doctor...but he did not stay dead.

Now Burke hunts these six freshmen one by one. He traps them in an abandoned wing of the asylum and reveals their greatest fears to them.  Out of those fears, Burke kills them in grisly fashion. The great looking freshman, in many cases, won't stay great looking.  Their unaddressed fears become their greatest enemy as Burke exploits them. The methods of killing are quite gory, and we really do pull for these six, as they are all great looking.  Now each of the students must face their fears...and battle them.

Is this film a good metaphor for what the American university system has become and what it does to the young men and women of this country?  Is Burke correct in that most college kids should be lobotomized?  Will any of the hunks and babes survive until the end credits?  This is a gory one with no humor or wit.  If you like your horror horrific with no relief, see "Asylum," perhaps not the feel good film of 2008.