Thursday, June 29, 2023

Ape vs. Mecha Ape, ASMR Coach and Her Gorilla

Wow!  A gorilla named Abe, is sent into space (don't ask why) and something goes wrong. The primate is infested with alien DNA and grows to like 100 feet tall.  The ship he's on crashes back on earth, Washington, DC to be more exact.  Uh oh...Abe is followed by a monster lizard from space.  The two monsters fight and destroy DC in the process (Yes!!!).  Abe does kill the alien lizard thing.  Don't worry...we'll see none of that.  Thankfully The Asylum who made 2023's "Ape vs. Mecha Ape," decided not to bore us with this.  We'll get a hot Asian scientist driving a car through rural Indiana and an annoying ASMR coach playing with flashlights...but none of the ape in space drama, or lizard vs. ape fight to the death.  Afterall, why would we want to see any of that when we can get some nice ASMR action?

Okay, the Americans unleash Mecha Ape (a 100 foot tall weaponized robot) on a Russian city murdering millions.  The Russians send dragon lady Pavla (Iris Svis) and her husband Arnott (Xander Bailey) to Indiana to retaliate.  Alas, this is not as an exciting plot line as you may think...even though they bring a bunch of hot Russian babe assassins with them.  No!  Instead we get annoying ASMR coach, Sloane (Anne Telfer), who has a knack for calming down the depressed and anxiety-ridden real giant ape, Abe. Laure (Lisa Lee) is Sloane's boss at NASA and she is pretty hot.  Alas, there will be no lingerie, bikini, or hot tub scenes with her. There will also be some hunk men who are not even worth mentioning.

Okay, the Russkies hijack Mecha Ape and arm it with a nuke...and send it to Chicago.  Tom Arnold is the Secretary of Defense and he orders Abe, the real ape, to Chicago to stop him.  Sloane tries to jump on Mecha Ape, go inside its machinery, and rewire it.  Laura drives a car through rural Indiana and yells a lot on the phone...fully clothed, I'm afraid.  Abe is sent to battle Mecha Ape not realizing his ASMR coach is inside.  Sloane, not wanting to die inside Mecha Ape tries flashlight therapy to calm and signal Abe.  Okay...let us just stop here.  Sadly, Laura the NASA babe will show no skin.  Sloane will continue to annoy us, Tom Arnold will act as we figure a Biden appointee would, and Abe and Mecha Ape will continue to show aggression.  I know, we will  be cheering for Chicago to get nuked and for one of the men in this film to take Laura into his arms, rip her clothes off, and kiss her like she has never been kissed before.

Will Chicago survive?  Will Sloane the ASMR coach fix Abe some Chamomile tea and whisper in his ear?  Will The Asylum give us Laura and the Russian dragon lady in a gratuitous catfight?  This one has a terrific IMDB rating...go figure.  Perhaps it is because the military and the FBI are portrayed with diversity, equity, and inclusion in mind...perhaps this is why we will be cheering for the Russians in this one.  Go "Ape vs. Mecha Ape." 

Tuesday, June 27, 2023

Wolf Garden, What's in the Shed?

What's in the shed?  Ha!  It ain't good.  Midway through this movie you will have a pretty good idea of what is in there...and it is horrific. Whatever it may have ended a tender and cute love story.  That's fine...who wants to see one of those?  Weird and creepy is our feature today and if you make it beyond the first 20!  Today we look one from the U.K., 2023's "Wolf Garden," directed by Wayne David. 

William (David) and Chantelle (Sian Altman) are a great looking set of lovers spending a quiet time in a cottage in the country.  Uh oh...soon we understand we are seeing flashbacks of happier times.  Then we understand William is pining over his lost beauty.  Something awful happened to Chantelle...but what?  William misses her and his memories of her are tender...before they get bloody.  William is still at the cottage and later we learn that he may be squatting there...or something else.  Guilt and sorrow envelope our weird protagonist as we continue to get bit clues as to what exactly happened to Chantelle.

William seems haunted...and wolves howling permeate the nights.  William loves to stroll on or around the cottage property and seeks to stay away from all humans.  Uh oh, again.  There is a shed on the property and William seems obsessed to check on the locked structure.  He also seems duty bound to bring food to whatever is inside...which hardly sounds human.  Ghostly apparitions now invade William's consciousness.  More memories, visions, and visitation by something that may be Chantelle play havoc with this tender love story...which is now full blown bloody horror.

What happened to Chantelle? What is in the shed?  Why is William avoiding all human contact?  Experienced horror fans will see where this is going.  Perhaps a metaphor for relationships with pushy female leads and wimpy men...yeah...probably not.  For a neat tale of love, horror and mystery in the country, see "Wolf Garden."

Monday, June 26, 2023

Underground Lizard People, Conspiracy Theorists Unite

A few years ago, say when this film was made in 2011, so-called 'conspiracy theorists' were classified as such if they doubted the Moon landing or believed Lizard People had colonies under major cities.  Today the Biden Administration, DOJ, FBI, CIA, the government controlled media, and academia classify anyone who wants lower taxes, opposes poison chemicals in our drinking water, doubts the motives of our public schools, disagrees with our military's efforts, or does not buy into Hunter Biden's innocence as 'conspiracy theorists,' too. Welcome to the world of a 'conspiracy theorist.' Oh, and those lizard people colonies...maybe, just maybe there is something to that.  Hence Jared Cohn's film "Underground Lizard People," perhaps more of a documentary than a horror film.

Say what you want about this film.  Mr. Cohn gives us a really attractive cast with gratuitous shots of things we want gratuitous shots of. Okay, hunk college student Jason (Clint Byne) is filming a documentary with three of his buddies,  Also in the group is sound girl Lynda (Lauren Klemp)...btw we get a nice undergarment scene with her...GF the stunning Rachel (Caitlan Gold) in an impressive sundress, and camera guy Jack (Colin Walker).  They are headed into abandoned tunnels under the city to investigate reports of lizard people dwelling there.  They'll have to dodge the homeless and winos.  Oh yes...Rachel will descend into the tunnels in her sundress.

They meet a weird hobo homeless bum, Chip (Cohn).  Then they meet humanoid lizard monsters.  The attack is on.  All the while Rachel and Lynda are about to get into a catfight over giving Jason oral sex...priorities. Now our film crew is in a fight for their lives and the lizard things are hungry.  Jack and his camera will continue to give us gratuitous shots of Rachel and Lynda and we do thank him for that.  The things will claw, bite, and feast.  All very believable.  I should say, infinitely more believable than thinking Hunter Biden will receive the justice due to him. 

Will any of our hunks or babes survive the monster onslaught?  Will Rachel or Lynda pull off the other's false-eyelashes and shove them up the other's nose?  Will a city ruled by lizard people function better than a country ruled by Biden?  Perhaps in 2011, this would have been a film we could have dismissed outright.  Here in 2023, well, you might want to take a serious look at it.  See "Underground Lizard People," and read the Max Gunssler novel BEAUTY QUEENS VS LIZARD PEOPLE  (Click on the link to view this novel on Amazon).


Friday, June 23, 2023

Desperate Souls, Succubus Love

I know...we all have these stories.  After a night of passion with an amazing women, we wake up only to find out they're a demon.  Happens.  Today we have a story of this anecdote in literal form.  A horrific, gory, and romantic love story with eternal love, ripped out internal organs, and nights of passionate sex.  If Harlequin Romances included gore and horror...this would have been one.  Today we look at...a love story, kind of...with a lot of blood and monsters, 2023's "Desperate Souls," directed by Steve Hermann.

The sultry Moira (Angel Nichole Bradford) is a succubus...a literal one, not the figurative ones that have dotted our pasts. She finds men drowning in sorrow, makes passionate love to them, and sucks out their lives.  As she plies her trade, she comes across Devin (Joe Rosing).  Depression and anxiety are killing him...enter Moira.  Uh oh...the succubus falls in love with him and can't bring herself to suck out his life force.  She desires to spend an eternity with him.  Devin has no knowledge of Moira's true identity.  Even when Devin's support staff, ex-girlfriends, and other friends start dying horribly, he still doesn't suspect anything.  A jealous sort, Moira refuses to let anyone live who Devin has any affection or good will for.

Moira is possessive...enter Rebecca (Magdalena Conway).  She is so sweet and beautiful...and a great friend to Devin.  She figures out Moira is a succubus early on, which spells doom for all her friends, sadly.  Now Rebecca realizes she must fight an otherworldly being if Devin is to be saved. Slowly, after a lot of sex with Moira, Devin gets weaker and Rebecca figures something must be done fast.  Internal organs will be ripped out, life forces will be sucked out, and the twisted romance will get more intense.  Rebecca is so sweet and alluring we pray she will not meet a gruesome fate. Intense love...Intense horror ...and Intense romance will rule in this horror film.

Will we get an epic catfight between Rebecca and Moira with Devin's soul at stake?  Is deviant and wild succubus versus sweet downhome girl the new 'Ginger versus Marianne" debate for this 21st century? Will any of this movie's hunks do anything productive to fight evil or guide a romantic relationship?  Okay, that last one was a silly question.  For horror, gore, sappy romance-novel type love...see "Desperate Souls."

Thursday, June 22, 2023

The Philadelphia Experiment, Naval Destroyer Causes Havoc

Yep...The USS Eldridge.  A World War 2 destroyer that didn't make it out of Philadelphia.  Or, maybe it did...a long way out of Philadelphia.  Charles Berlitz wrote a book about it called The Philadelphia Experiment.  The same Charles Berlitz that wrote about The Bermuda triangle. Thanks to our buddies at the Syfy Channel, we now know what happened to the ship. We also have the magnum opus of blonde vixen Emilie Ullerup.  Today we look at 2012's "The Philadelphia Experiment," directed by Paul Ziller. Oh yes...cause for rejoice...Malcolm McDowell and Michael Pare are in this, too.  

The sultry Molly (Ullerup) is a waitress in a small town Pennsylvania diner.  She's hot and has a cute romance going with a hunk deputy, Carl (John Reardon).  Uh oh...Deputy Carl gets a weird call that something has occurred at a local airport...he responds.  Lo' and behold, the USS Eldridge, missing since World War 2, is on the runway.  Investigating the ship, Carl gets sucked into it.  One survivor is on the ship, Lt. Bill Gardner (Nicholas Lea)...he runs off the ship.  Yep...the ship then disappears but not after Molly hurries to the airport after Carl calls for help on the radio and she sees the ship go poof. Molly wants Carl back...after all, he is quite the hunk.

Seems the Eldridge disappeared when the scientists back then put a machine on board that altered time. Now the Eldridge is travelling through time. A secret government organization, in present time, has created a similar machine.  Devil woman, Agent Moore (Gina Holden) is overseeing this experiment when something goes brings The Eldridge the ship is appearing and disappearing all over the globe.  In a classic scene it shows up in Chicago impaling a skyscraper. Lt. Bill is actually Molly's grandfather and he shows up at her house.  Now Molly and Lt. Gardner must elude Agent Moore's henchman (Michael Pare). See, Moore does not want to let word of this experiment get out and if The Eldridge keeps popping up in population centers...well, someone might blog about it.  Now Molly and her grandfather are on the run from this assassin.  Enter Malcolm McDowell...and he just may know how to stop all this.

In a nut shell, that is what this film is about.  The effects are terrific and Molly is absolutely stunning. Will granddad Bill pull a taboo move and try to move in on Deputy Carl's territory?  Will The Eldridge end up in the Black Sea into another conflict America should not be in?  Will Agent Moore try to discredit Molly by labeling her a 'conspiracy theorist'?  This made for Syfy gem is exciting and has a great looking cast.  Beefcake and cheesecake abound...see "The Philadelphia Experiment." 

Tuesday, June 20, 2023

Look Into the Fire, Mad Scientists in Training

I know.  They're young and idealistic.  The future mad scientists of the world.  True...they should stick to genetically engineering soldiers in mental hospitals to be the perfect fighting machine on the battlefield.  Or, perhaps they should just stick to curing death or bringing the dead back to life.  But, no!  These new medical or psychiatric students feel compelled to mess with memories and dreams.  Times are indeed changing.  Thanks to moviemaker Tim Morrill, we have the story of a team of students embarking on a dream/sleep/memory project...and it won't go well.  Today we look at 2022's "Look Into the Fire."

Adam (Artie Shase) is a grad student assigned to lead a group project by his psyche professor (Gregg Henry).  He puts a team together that includes Seth (Myles Brown), Jerry (David Silva), and Samantha (Jackie Dallas).  Nerds, but give Adam credit, Samantha is very sweet...and she will be the only female in this film we do like.  Adam's idea for the it is!  Study and scan someone's brain while they sleep and be able to see someone's dreams, memories, and thoughts on a TV monitor.  What could go wrong?  Uh oh!  Adam uses himself as a test subject.  Now all goes haywire.  See, as a child, Adam had a horrific and bloody experience.  He has suppressed his memory about his invention might just put it all on TV.

Some memories are best left repressed. This will cost him his lovely but selfish girlfriend, Isabella (Grace Ingland).  Also, his mysterious dragon woman sister, Janet (Nina E. Jordan), pops back into his life. Janet wants Adam's repressed memories to be forgotten forever.  As bits and pieces of these memories come to life, we understand why Janet wants them lost forever.  Now Adam's team rallies to his cause.  Even better for Adam, the lovely Samantha takes an interest in him.  As the class project progresses we see blood, an axe, family strife, and something so taboo we will squirm.

Will Samantha and Janet engage in a vicious catfight over Adam?  What happened in Adam's childhood that is best left forgotten?  Will prurient images of Samantha appear on the TV screen when his team reads his thoughts again?  Tim Morrill tells an ambitious, twisted, and horrific story.  Miss Dallas' portrayal of a babe grad student is sweet and alluring.  For a horrific story about dreams, memories, and pasts that should never be remembered, see "Look Into the Fire."   

Sunday, June 18, 2023

The Devil Below, Monsters in a Mine

Okay...I the sultry Alicia Sanz is mis-cast.  Hey!  She's a babe and looks really good.  So what is so wrong about some nice cleavage in a film that takes place in a mine with monsters all around.  So, there!  In a role probably made for Jason Statham...Alicia Sanz does a fine job...and looks really good throughout.  Today we look at a neat creature film, 2021's "The Devil Below" (aka "Shookum Hills"), directed by Bradley Parker.

Back in the 70s the mining town of Shookum Hills disappeared.  All 1,000 residents...gone!  What happened.  There was a monster involved.  Now Darren (Adan Canto) leads a scientific team back to the mine to find out.  His sultry guide/mercenary/soldier of fortune Arianne (Sanz) will find the mine for them.  The surrounding locals don't want them there.  Especially Schuttman (Will Patton), who had his son taken by mine monsters back in the 70s.  The locals know what is down there and Darren's team is about to find out.

Arianne finds the mine and as soon as the team lowers into it...horror strikes.  There are things down in there that have been kept down there by the locals.  Now the team has unwittingly opened the mine.  One by one the team members are taken by the things.  Ugly and ferocious things.  The locals send in their own team to contain the breach...this won't go well.  Now Darren's team and the local team must work together...the monsters don't care.  To the fiends, teamwork just means more humans to eat or...well, you'll see.  Arianne will sweat and look really good down in the underground caverns.  Even worse, she will find out first hand what these monsters are and what they do to the humans they grab.

Will Arianne and any of her team get out of the mine alive?  What do the monsters do with the humans they grab?  Is the Biden Administration's federal cuts for mining in Appalachia a cause of the human death and destruction occurring in Shookum Hills?  This is a terrific creature film.  Ms. Sanz is sultry and the monsters are icky and terrifying.  See "The Devil Below," a perfect Friday night creature flick. 

Friday, June 16, 2023

Craving, Heroin Addiction, a Monster, and Disembowelment

A metaphor for heroin addiction?  Definitely.  Appropriately, this film includes a toothy monster that totally annihilates all those around it.  A scourge on the human condition, a destroyer of family and relationships, addiction will show no mercy...either will the creature in this one.  So get ready for a gory one with much disembowelment, 2023's "Craving," directed by J. Horton.

An out of the way bar in the dust fields of the American southwest is the setting.  The two beautiful bartenders, Shiloh (Amanda Bryant) and Les (Felissa Rose) keep order for a motley crew of patrons.  Then the annihilation begins.  An equally motley group of invaders storms in and holds everyone hostage.  Outside, Frank (Brook Hubbs) has been gutted and gunshots have rung out.  Gail (Holly Rockwell) has a gun and seemingly leads the group.  Also among the invaders are the babe Asian Lo (Likun Jung) and her babe lesbian lover Frenzy (Ashley Undercuffler).  The group believes the invaders are the bad guys.  Alas, the invaders were chased into a bar by a weird posse led by The Hunter (Al Gomez).  The hunter is on the trail of a vicious monster that has murdered his wife.

The hunter advises the patrons in the bar to cast out the monster.  Oh of the invading force is a monster.  This is news to Shiloh, Les and their patrons.  Backstories!  A ton of them.  The invaders are all heroin addicts...and they all need hits soon.  No heroin on site...and the shakes are beginning.  Uh oh...our lesbian lovers may have their own agenda.  Uh oh again, even the gang leader, Gail, is shaking a lot.  What happens next is gory, heartbreaking, and vicious.  Blood and entrails will be splashed on the walls, and spines will be pulled out of torsos.  We pine for Shiloh to survive as she is cute and seems like a nice gal.  A monster, addicts, a vicious posse, and deviant bar patrons will all mesh together to give us a bloodbath of a movie.

Who is the monster?  Does the posse outside intend on allowing anyone to survive the carnage inside?  Will whatever is inside get out?  This is a fun one and a brilliant metaphor.  The acting is first class and the cast is good looking.  For a bloody good time, with more than a nod to 2005's "Feast," see "Craving."    

Wednesday, June 14, 2023

Disembodied, Female Version of Basket Case

Everything about this film will remind you of 1982's low budget classic "Basket Case." is icky and weird enough to stand by itself.  Instead of a set of Siamese twins separated at birth, we have a babe who carries her brain around in a glass jar. Why? Hence 1998's "Disembodied," directed by William Kersten. Revolting images, slimy monsters, and faces melted away by acid are in store for you in this low budget offering.

Connie (Anastasia Woolverton) worked for a scientific company when an experiment in the lab got out of hand.  She was turned into, or overtaken, by an alien intelligence. See...a slimy alien parasite moved into her head, leaving her brain relegated to a glass jar. Happens. Now Connie has changed. The parasite gives her new organs and bodily functions and all the time producing baby parasites that are expelled through Connie's abdomen. Even ickier, a protrusion on Connie's cheek squirts an acid that melts away people's faces and skulls so Connie can eat their brains, absorbing the victim's brain cells. Now Connie is on the run from a company scientist, Dr. Sylvanus (George Randolph).

Connie/parasite move into a flea bag hotel and set up their lair.  The parasite gets busy with its'll see. Connie befriends her neighbor, a prostitute named Trixie (Hannah Nease). Connie's immediate dangers are a pervert night clerk and a nosy cleaning lady.  Now Sylvanus has closed in and has found Connie. He wants her back to study and experiment with.  He also wants to eradicate the parasite.  Faces will melt, brains will be eaten, Trixie will be put in peril, and slimy little creatures will be born out of Connie's abdomen.  Based on a true story...just kidding!

Will Connie's brain ever make it back into her head and take control again? What does the alien parasite want here on Earth?  Is Connie's ability to melt the faces of the men she meets a metaphor for modern day sexual harassment laws?  This is a good one and perhaps a good companion piece to "Basket Case." For an icky good time, see "Disembodied."  

Monday, June 12, 2023

Vegas Skyline, Aliens, Exotic Dancers, and Sex in Hot Tubs

Any fans of the "Skyline" franchise out there? No...I thought not.  I did review one of the "Skyline" films but frankly it was only because Rhona Mitra was in it. I should point out she fled to Uruguay shortly after that film.  Just saying. But hey!  Throw in some exotic dancers, a lot of deviant sex, lots of nudity, and aliens...and well...who cares about plot.  Today we look at Michele Hailey's magnum opus, 2012's "Vegas Skyline," directed by Michael Ricks.

Okay...aliens hit Vegas and land in the nearby desert. Lucas (Ryan Silverman), a weird Goth, grabs his shotgun and begins hunting them. The aliens converge on two hot couples in a hot tub. Bikini clad Cindy (Hailey) is going to marry OB/GYN Bill (Phil Valentine). The other couple is the very hot bikini clad Kim (Beverly Lynne) and radio show host Tom (Tim Delaney).  When Cindy leaves the tub, her fiancé will have steamy sex with Kim.  Bill is a two-timer and nails anything with cleavage.  The aliens want women and their eggs.  The females of their species have died out.  Oh yeah, Cindy is a former exotic dancer turned hypno-therapist.  She does hypno-therapy on Kim and finds a repressed memory of her being abducted by aliens and the aliens taking her baby from her womb.  Happens.

Now the aliens get aggressive and take over Bill's body as he nails an exotic dancer (Bianca Paris) in the backseat of his car.  He returns home desiring to rape Cindy.  Lucas re-enters the picture with his gun and saves Cindy.  Now Lucas and Cindy trade secrets and find out they have a bond.  Now the two of them turn alien hunters. Alas, the aliens get the drop on them and pull them up into their ship and string up Cindy for...well, you can guess.

Will Cindy be impregnated by monsters?  What bond do Lucas and Cindy share and does it concern nudity or a jacuzzi?  Will there be a gratuitous catfight between Cindy and Kim?  This may be the most important film of our time.  So let your buddies be whipped by their wives and watch some Tom Hanks film.  You be a real man and watch "Vegas Skyline."

Saturday, June 10, 2023

Smart House, ASMR Horror

Shhhh...let's whisper. I'll pour you some chamomile tea.  Would you like a nice warm blanket? You are all right.  Forgive yourself.  Show yourself compassion.  Click, click, hear the wind rustle through leaves. Yep...ASMR.  I didn't know this was a thing until John Oak Dalton sent me his latest film. Good for Mr. Dalton to bring the world of Yoga, meditation, and ASMR into brutal horror!  Today we have a techno-thriller to meditate on.  In the style of "Demon Seed" and Mindfulness...we have 2023's "Smart House."

Designed by her hacker dad, Mari (Iabou Windimere) lives in a 'smart house.' A device called Cassandra (Brinke Stevens), a lot like Alexa or Siri, controls everything...the locks, thermostat, the phone, coffeemaker, everything!  Mari does a livestream that garners tens of thousands of viewers.  She whispers ASMR to her peeps in order to relax them and ease anxiety. All is going well until Cassandra seemingly gets possessed by a demonic entity. Now the calm ASMR style of the livestream has given way to a calm manifesto of demonic utterings and apocalyptic foretelling.  Even worse...Cassandra has trapped Mari inside the house and probably intends to kill her after the manifesto is read.

Enter our hero...Mari's dad...Cordell (Tom Cherry).  He has an ankle bracelet (I know, we all have our ankle bracelet stories so let us not be judgmental).  He is under house arrest and because he hacked into The Pentagon he is not allowed near anything computerized.  When he finds out his creation, Cassandra, is menacing his daughter with demonic intentions, he must act.  Ah, Cordell might be serving his sentence at home with orders not to do anything tech...he is smarter than the judicial authorities.  Now Cordell must use his hacker skills, voyage into the Dark Web, and save his daughter...and Cassandra.  What happens is horrific and a dark reminder to all of us who have turned our lives over to our laptops, smartphones, and coffeemakers.  Use meditation and ASMR if you wish...but if you use your devices to facilitate it, you too could fall prey to the evil Cassandra.

Just what or who has possessed Cassandra?  Will Cordell and his ankle bracelet be able to hack into the evil entities identity and help his daughter?  Are you sure you want to ask Alexa to play your playlist?  This is a neat film with so many reminders that we have gladly turned our lives over to an inhuman force.  So go ahead...ask Alexa for a meditation technique or the number for an ASMR master...but if she furnishes you with the number of someone who will gag you and take a whip to you...well, you may have the same problem that has befallen Mari.  See "Smart House" and see the mess we have all gotten ourselves into.   

Thursday, June 8, 2023

Scream and Scream Again, Horror Icons ,a Vampire, and Euro-Babes

Vincent Price!  Peter Cushing!  Christopher Lee!  Yep...they are in this feature film. This is a real shame...this film never received any respect.  In fact, its American opening was at the drive-in opposite "The Incredible 2-Headed Transplant." What this movie is the magnum opus for Uta Levka. The German actress plays the evil, but sultry nurse in white in today's movie. She'll murder other babe nurses and steal body parts.  Through it all, she'll captivate us and may be the most stunning nurse in horror film history aside from Pamela Susan Shoop in "Halloween 2." Today we look at a mis-understood English horror film from 1970, directed by Gordon Hessler, "Scream and Scream Again."

A healthy runner collapses in the park.  He'll be brought to a weird lab where a weird nurse (Levka) cares for him.  Each day, the nurse anesthetizes him and a different limb is removed. Also, a psycho vampire (Michale Gothard) picks up English babes at a nightclub, slices their faces and sex organs, and drinks their blood. Okay, Konratz (Marshall Jones) is an intelligence officer behind the iron curtain who loves to torture and murder anyone who gets in his way. Fremont (Lee) is Konratz' counterpart in London. Detective Bellaver (Alfred Marks) is on the trail of the vampire killer.  Helen (Judy Bloom) is an undercover cop sent into the club to attract the killer...she does.

Dr. Browning (Price)! All plot devices lead to him and his weird lab.  The evil nurse works for him...but doing what will remain a mystery.  The cops...the vampire...Christopher Lee...and Konratz all will converge on this weird mad scientist.  What he is doing in his lab is so classic, and horrific.  His weird nurse will murder a babe nurse to steal a weird body part.  The sultry policewoman Helen will be abducted and put under the evil nurse's care at Browning's lab.  Helen's coroner boyfriend, David (Christopher Matthews) will also try to come to the rescue.  What?  Did you say stop?  Fine.  Trust the time the end credits roll...this will all make sense.  

Will the sultry evil nurse and the sultry policewoman engage in a catfight to the death?  What is Dr. Browning up to?  Why are the intelligence agencies of the free world and behind the Iron Curtain interested in Browning?  Stay with this does come full circle as far as the plot goes.  The babes in this film are sultry and in peril. The ick factor is at maximum strength.  Uta Levka as a sultry nurse in white is worth the price of admission. See "Scream and Scream Again" and be ready to be shocked.   

Tuesday, June 6, 2023

I An Toxic, Post-Apocalyptic Argentina

No, not Evita Peron's autobiography.  Today's entry is from Argentina, but dried out zombies are a bit more appealing than narcissistic dictators. Post-apocalyptic landscapes are visually striking in these films and the creatures are...well...dried out.  2018's "I Am Toxic" is a story about a confused (amnesiac) survivor of some sort of apocalypse.  "Survivor" may be a relative term as in these types of films they are rarely the lucky ones.  Directed by Pablo Pares, this Argentinian always seems to have interesting takes on zombie apocalypses (see "PussyCake").

This is what happened.  World War 3 in the northern hemisphere.  America and other nations have been decimated by biological weapons.  They send planes filled with their infected or dead to Argentina and dump the bodies from the air.  How did Argentina become a war casualty dump? Maybe a metaphor for the arrogance which the North looks at the global South? In the midst of these bodies, Perro (Esteban Prol) wakes.  He has no memory.  Even worse, some of the infected rise up instead of dying and eat human flesh. Perro is almost eaten until Padre (Horacio Fontova) rescues him and brings him back to his compound.  Lucky for Perro?  Nope. Very soon, Perro understands he should not have trusted his savior.

Padre and his two henchmen (Sergio Podeley and Gaston Cocchiarale) are psychos with crossbows. They torture him and seem to insinuate they will eat him. But wait...also at the compound is a beautiful mute woman (Fini Bocchino) who helps Perro escape. They'll come across each other more and at times she saves him, other times she also tries to murder him. Now Perro is hunted by this weird clan. Even worse...Perro's memory is slowly coming back...and it isn't a heartwarming backstory that awaits us.  All the questions posed will be answered and this won't add up to the feel good film of 2018.

Just who is Perro and how did he end up in the trash heap of human history?  What is the deal with the mute woman and does she love or hate Perro? Is this film an accurate metaphor of the way America and western Europe treat South America? Perhaps this is one film which will make us reconsider our opinions on the Falkland Island War back in the 80s.  God save The Islas Malvinas! See "I Am Toxic" and add it to your repertoire of post-apocalyptic horror films. 

Sunday, June 4, 2023

The Seventh Grave, Giallo Visits Scotland

Nothing says Gothic horror in old Scotland like Giallo!  Sure...Italian is no way similar to a Scottish accent...but who cares? Italian babes portraying Scottish lasses...only the paranoid woke crowd would object.  In 1965 these snowflakes did not we can have cultural appropriation without Karens having a cow.  So let us look at the Italian horror film "The Seventh Grave," set in Scotland and directed by Garibaldi Serra Caracciolo (no doubt a descendant of William Wallace).

In 1880, Sir Reginald is a mad scientist trying to find a cure for death in his old castle.  His experiments get out of hand and is overtaken by leprosy. He'll die a disfigured and drooling lunatic...that's how I want to go. Not long after that, relatives assemble for the reading of the will.  Jenkins (Antonio Casale) arrives from America with his brother Fred (Gianni Dei), and either his wife or lover Mary (Bruna Baini).  They grab a big busted babe barmaid, Betty (Germana Dominici) and head to the castle. Already there is the executor of Sir Reginald's will, Elliot (Nando Angelini)...and a sultry medium (psychic), Katy (Stefania Nelli). In addition to the will, which is mysteriously missing, Katy is brought in to talk to Reginald's spirit and find out where a hidden treasure is hidden.

Yep...the séance does not go well. Some spirit tells them all to leave immediately.  Uh oh...Sir Reginald's body is no longer in his grave.  His caretaker has been murdered...and Elliot and Katy fall in love. Now a police inspector arrives (Armando Guarnieri) to investigate the murder and also a missing leper/lunatic who has just escaped from a mental asylum.  Sir Reginald's corpse keeps popping up scaring the Scottish babes. As the babe Betty barricades herself in her room, Mary is lured to the parlor where she will meet the corpse up close and personal. Oh, Katy and Elliot kiss and hug and make goo-goo eyes at each other.  Now one of the babes will be placed in horrific danger and the men will grunt and really comb the castle...and Reginald appears to be back in his coffin.

Okay, that is it.  No more. Will Katy and Elliot go further than kissing and groping?  Is Sir Reginald alive, a ghost, or something else? Is this lunatic leper going to show up and ruin everything?  This is a good one and the Italian babes playing Scottish lasses better than any real Scottish lass could is a great defense for cultural appropriation.  See "The Seventh Grave" and tick off Karens and snowflakes.    

Friday, June 2, 2023

PussyCake, George Romero Meshed with HP Lovecraft

Remember Pussy Riot? No? Not a whole lot of talent, I admit.  Vladimir Putin threw them in jail for their failure to develop a third chord and not being able to hold a beat.  Thrown out of Russia, this all girl band keeps getting thrown in jail...alas, central and eastern Europe have no tolerance for horrid music. We are going to look at another all girl band, this one from Argentina...PussyCake.  This 2021 film features four babe rockers beset by zombies, bug creatures, and vomit/semen.  Hold on and fall in love with these girls as we look at "PussyCake," directed by Pablo Pares.

A mad scientist creates a machine and discovers an alternate universe.  Yep...he gets sucked into it.  Trying to bring his dad back, the scientist's son restarts the machine and dad comes back.  Uh isn't the same.  Double uh oh...he wasn't the only thing that came through. Okay...PussyCake...they can't sing, either. Fortunately in Argentina, no one cares.  Evita Peron really ruined that country. Never mind! Four babes, who can't sing, are lead singer Elle (Marcarena Saurez), Sara (Aldana Ruberto), Juli (Sofia Rossi), and Sofi (Anahi Politi). Them and their manager, Pato (Flor Moreno), are headed to a gig.  The gig just happens to be in the affected area of where this parallel universe has been sucked into ours. The babes' van breaks down and are right away attacked by Pato's contact Simon (Amanda Nara), only he isn't Simon anymore.

Okay...whatever came through the portal has taken over the town. Zombies patrol. These ghouls vomit in the mouths of humans thus impregnating them with monster bug eggs...happens. The gals are the only humans left unaffected...this won't last.  The babes run, scream, and are vomited on. Ghouls and little bug creatures are on the prowl for them. Oh yeah...did I mention Elle and Sara are lovers? Not that that is important. Poor Juli...she'll get it first...but what happens to her will shock you.  Now a weird hulking monster has also joined the hunt...and he seems to want the dames for some other reason.  The band finds weapons and try to fight back.  What they will discover will be more than horrifying and revolting.

Do any of these babes have a prayer of still being babes by the time the end credits roll?  Will Elle and Sara still want to swap spit after ghouls vomit down their throats?  However inept these beauties are with vocals, keyboards, and strings...will they make up for it in adeptness with machetes and crossbows?  Didn't the Bengals go through something similar?  You must see this film!  Perhaps a metaphor for the awful turn Rock music has taken in the 21st century, or maybe just a vehicle to portray hot babes in much peril. Either way...see "PussyCake."