Thursday, March 31, 2022

Psycho Ape!, Gorilla and Bikini Babe Run Amok

I know the movie isn't 'per se' about a nubile bikini babe traipsing through existence and time...but I do have to admire that plot device. Sure 2020's "Psycho Ape!" (directed by Addison Binek), is a keen homage to early 1970s grindhouse-drive-in exploitation films, but it is also a tour through some of the most critically acclaimed films of the past 90 years. Of course, did I mention the yellow haired, nubile bikini babe frolicking and dancing throughout? I did? Well, it was just such a refreshing cinematic device that one hopes many other film-makers will follow that lead.

In a homage to the classic "Slumber Party Massacre," our film begins. An ape (Stephen Albers) escapes from a Detroit zoo and the nubile teens at a slumber party are slaughtered by a banana wielding fiend. All except our bikini babe, Nancy Banana (Kansas Bowling). "Halloween" homages will cascade as an animal psychiatrist is called to the murder scene, Dr. ZOOmis (Bill Weeden) is an expert on the homicidal ape and recommended he never be let loose. The killing spree continues as Nancy goes into obscurity. Decades pass and Nancy, our bikini babe remains nubile and frolicking. The ape disembowels and impales with his deadly bananas. ZOOmis stays on his trail as it becomes apparent that the fiend seeks his true love, the only survivor of the slumber party massacre, Nancy...our frolicking nubile bikini babe.

A jaunt through Americana ensues as our ape continues murdering innocuous representations of an increasingly empty and egotistical America. Self importance and irrelevance seem to be the targets of the monster ape, in the form of innocent victims. Sure, we cheer for the disembowelment and impalement of most of these victims, but our fiend gets closer to our nubile frolicking bikini babe. The bikini babe? We don't want her taken apart. Psycho Ape barely eludes his nemesis, ZOOmis, but his decades long rampage seems to be drawing to an end. The purity and nubile-ness of Nancy almost suggests the purity and carnal honesty of the early 1970s sexploitation drive-in cinema. The gore will continue to the very end and the sexual explosiveness of our bikini babe will accompany it.

Will Psycho Ape find his lost love, Nancy? Will ZOOmis get to our ape before that happens? What will 2020 America do to Psycho Ape if he is captured? Nubile blonde babes escorting us through films is a plot device that Addison Binek masters. Kansas Bowling plays this 'guide' well, and will bring a big smile to your face. Forget the "King Kong" remakes and rip-offs, see  "Psycho Ape!"

Tuesday, March 29, 2022

Pretty Obsession, The Lives and Deaths of Cam Girls

All right.  Sure we have a psycho slasher going after deviant and sultry cam girls.  Not necessarily a fault, we have more of lovely cam girls talking dirty, making out with each other, spanking each other, groping each other, showering together, and exploring fetishes and pushing the proverbial envelope.  Eventually, yes, we have murder.  So if you can stomach deviant fetishes and sultry women making out together, then 2012's "Pretty Obsession," directed by Michael Baumgarten, is the film for you.  I kind of think most of us will gladly put up with cam girls being deviant.

She's a babe.  Rebecca (Brittany Nicole Kovler) is about to graduate high school and earns a lot of spending money working as a cam girl.  This is a secret from her family and friends and she is quite good at it.  She feels herself up and masturbates for her clients.  Can a teen age girl keep a secret? No!  She tells her very buxom bestie, Lauren (Lydia Pritchette) about this.  Now Lauren wants to do it...and quickly sets herself up as a cam girl.  Often, Lauren and Rebecca tag team and make out a lot, do kinky stuff with costumes, spank one another, and shower.  Both gals have fans.  Rebecca is smart enough not to allow fans to know who she is or where she lives.  Lauren?  Not so bright.

Lauren begins meeting her clients and they fork over a lot of money to have sex with her.  One of Rebecca's fan's, Denver (Dylan Hobbs) wants to meet her.  Rebecca refuses.  Denver is a homicidal sex maniac.  He kills cam girls he meets.  He even choked one cam girl with a dildo she was performing with.  Now Denver figures out where Rebecca lives, by meeting Lauren.  Poor Lauren, he only wants her to get to Rebecca...and carnage will ensue.  Now Rebecca and her family are in peril as the psycho decides to invade. 

Will Rebecca and her family survive the twisted wrath of Denver?  Can these high school babes earn more money doing this deviant fetish stuff for perverts than they would majoring in fashion design at U.C.L.A.?  Maybe we should ask Lori Laughlin.  Is the fate of Rebecca and Lauren a good metaphor for the fate of young ladies in a very misogynistic America?  Deviant, twisted, perverted, and quite alluring, see "Pretty Obsession" and then re-evaluate how you will make money this summer.  

Sunday, March 27, 2022

Shockwave, Killer Robots

Today we look at a film that includes "Baywatch" actress Alexandra Paul. Unfortunately, like so many of the big name stars in here, she'll die horribly very early and won't be relevant to the plot. Remember George Takei from "Star Trek"? He'll suffer the same fate. Hey, it's a Syfy Channel film directed by Jim Wynorski, and worry not, there is enough cheesecake and beefcake in our B team of stars to give us a fine film. Throw on two killer robots who decapitate and disintegrate their prey. Hence, our film today is 2006's "Shockwave" (aka "A.I. Assault").
A team of scientists and soldiers are chased down in the desert and either decapitated or disintegrated by two robots. The two robots are a government creation to replace humans on the battlefield. These experiments always go so well. Eventually the scientific team, which includes our aforementioned "Baywatch" babe, gets control and takes these buggers on an airplane ride. Uh oh, the duo is mysteriously reactivated and kill every human on the plane and commandeer it to an uncharted island that looks a lot like Hawaii. Also arriving on the island are a trio of homicidal thieves headed by Rork (Blake Gibbons). Rork has his hot GF with him, Tiffany (Hudson Leick), and their hired helicopter pilot Jack (Josh Coxx).
A SEAL team is dropped on the island to retrieve the robot killers. Too late, the things are busy. First they attack the robbers and disintegrate them. Now the robbers and Jack are on the run and run smack into our SEALs headed by Major Tunney (Joe Lando). The SEALs have the scientist from the killer robot project with them, Dr. Susan (Lisa LoCicero)...a babe, of course. Susan's dad is missing and was on the plane that the robots conquered. Uh oh, the robots are smart and are using parts of the airplane and Jack's chopper to create a flying machine so they can get off the island. The robots are also good hunters and pick off the soldiers one by one as Susan's ray-gun that is supposed to kill them, doesn't work. Uh oh again, the robots have Susan's dad and you won't believe what they did to him. Now the soldiers and thieves must band together to stop the things from reaching population centers and wiping out all humans.
Will scientist Susan and skank Tiffany (clad in high heels and a tight skirt) give us a nice cat-fight? What is the ultimate plan for the robot duo if they succeed in getting off the island? Is there a better plot device than government scientists creating things that will replace soldiers on the battlefield? If you are a fan of films on the Syfy Channel, this is one for you.  Alas, the beautiful will die horribly and hunks will be shredded, so enjoy "Shockwave."  

Friday, March 25, 2022

Fountaine and the Vengeful Nun Who Wouldn't Die, Lesbian Nuns Run Amok

It was such a beautiful thing.  Two babe nuns decapitate a thug and lovingly embrace as they're showered with the spurting blood from the poor sap's neck.  It is enough to make any good Lutheran convert to Catholicism.  Eat your heart out, Martin Luther!  Babe nuns with katana swords, chainsaws, and Kung Fu skills are an underused plot device in modern film.  Thankfully James Dean (and co-writer Louis Otero) have given us 2021's "Fountaine and the Vengeful Nun Who Wouldn't Die."

 As our story begins a corrupt priest rapes Sister Alice (Zera Lynd).  Very sad.  Forget about that, for now.  Sister Mary (Mallory Stern) is locked away in an asylum for maniacal homicidal nuns (these places are popping up even faster than CBD shops). She is there because she went unresponsive when her sister overdosed on drugs from the Fountaine organization.  There she meets the love of her life, Sister Lee (Jaclyn Tripp).  The babes fall in love and when an orderly tries to rape Lee, the two nuns decapitate him.  That act proves her sanity to the Vatican, and she is released to a weird abbey where she trains in Kung Fu with the Master (Brian Davis) and Sam (Ron Clower).

Mary is training to go after the Fountaine organization.  She also wants to find her love, Lee.  Lee has mysteriously gone rogue.  Now Mary, equipped with a katana sword, goes off on her dual quest.  Waiting for her are drug dealing nuns and priests, and a BDSM torture whore (not an official Catholic church office).  Chainsaws, decapitations, a lot of spurting blood will accompany Mary on her quest.  Intestines will be cut out, heads will fly, throats will be ripped out...and Mary will seek to find Lee for a deep sensual kiss.  There is a lot here, all good.  Over the top and gratuitous, but when babe nuns are involved...well, that's fine.

Will we see nubile nuns in catfights and shower scenes?  Is 'nubile' a word in which we can describe a babe nun?  Are two babe lesbian nuns lovingly embracing in the spurting blood of a thug they just decapitated a metaphor for the schism between Vatican 1 and Vatican 2 Catholics?  Offensive, gratuitous, and so much fun, see "Fountaine and the Vengeful Nun Who Wouldn't Die," and make sure to hit Confession on Saturday,    

Wednesday, March 23, 2022

Streets of Vengeance, Porn Actress Gets Even

An underused protagonist in films of the last actresses!  We all want them but never say it in public.  Because of our silence we get dweeby community activists advocating for racial justice or the environment...BORING!  No!  Give us a porn actress with fishnets, heels, leather, and a big sword.  There!  I said it!  Thankfully, Paul Ragsdale and Angelica De Alba felt the same way and made 2016's "Streets of Vengeance."  So much to say about this film...all good.  Mr. Ragsdale and Ms. De Alba must have made this epic with this blog in mind.

First a shout out to Eden Trevino who hosts this film as Stacy Monroe.  Her bikini antics and playful good cheer is what every film made in this millennium needs more of.  Okay, very sad!  Lana (Jazmine C. Sanders) opens the story with an uber-alluring exotic dance routine.  She'll be horribly slashed in a back alley by the San Francisco Slasher, just the latest of many victims.  The puritanical psycho is shredding porn stars and adult entertainers.  Next we meet Mila (Delawna McKinney), the world's greatest porn star.  She has announced her retirement infuriating her producer/agent Ivan (Bryan Hurd) and saddening her colleague and BF Amber (Paige Le Ney).

Mila wants to move on and complete herself.  The industry and unbalanced fans go bananas.  We meet a puritanical deviant cult leader, Garrett (Daniel James Moody).  His minions seek to purify the world by abducting porn stars and slicing them up on snuff videos.  Many of Mila's buddies are sliced and eventually Mila is abducted by them.  The leather and fishnets are thrown at us as babes are murdered.  Uh oh for the cult, Mila survives after some torture and marring.  Now Mila is armed with a sword and a baseball bat.  She organizes a porn star army (YES!!!) and an all out war ensues.  Heels, deviant BDSM costumes, and Ginger Lynn gratify our viewing experience further.  Gratuitous baths, porn stars in lesbian kissing scenes, exotic dances, and popping eyeballs explode at us from the silver screen in this homage to 1980s crime dramas.

Who else is behind this cult that seeks to wipe out our porn actress babes?  Is this film a thinly veiled metaphor for a misogynistic Hollywood that is bent on adhering to the same old boring stories?  Is Mila the id inside all of us that seeks to rebel against a seemingly unbeatable machine?  An anthem to the underdog, perhaps.  "Streets of Vengeance" is a deviant and gory epic filled with sex, violence, and gratuitous everything.  Get your fill of porn star-sploitation and put on "Streets of Vengeance."

Monday, March 21, 2022

Dangerous Game, Department Store Carnage

Now that Amazon and other e-retailers have relegated American department stores to insignificant retail options, it is useful to look back a few decades to see these dinosaurs in action.  From Australia, we look at 1988's "Dangerous Game," directed by Stephen Hopkins.  Fortunately the gun and hunting departments in our featured department store will be heavily used by college babes in hunks in fighting a complete psychopath.

Officer Murphy (Steven Grives) is a real psycho.  His department knows it and is about to suspend him pending a complete psychological evaluation.  Blaming a bunch of college kids for his fall from grace, Murphy decides on a plot for revenge.  Our college kids?  The babe Kathryn (Kathryn Walker) has just begun romancing Jack (Marcus Graham).  Then, computer nerd David (Miles Buchanan) had just started romancing Ziggy (Sandie Lillingstone).  Oh yes, the fifth wheel, Tony (John Polson).  So cute...not to Murphy.  David impresses his he demonstrates his hacking ability.  Our nerd hacker hacks into Sydney's largest department store and opens their security doors at midnight.

Now our five college kids sneak into the store...and Murphy follows them.  Pre-marital sex will occur, and some other harmless fun.  Then Murphy begins hunting them.  Cutting off the phone lines and security systems...then re-locking all the doors, the kids are trapped inside.  Murphy finds hunting daggers, crossbows, shotguns, and more derangement.  Uh oh for Murphy...the kids also find firearms.  Bloodshed will follow and some neat chases.  Wedding displays will be annihilated, and a few dirt-bikes will be utilized in this thriller.  Not all the college kids will remain alive, and Murphy's insanity will constantly be revved up.

Will any of these college kids survive Murphy?  Is Murphy a metaphor for and its quest to drive all other retail outlets into extinction?  Is the lack of police response to the department store a metaphor for the bribed and incompetent U.S. Department of Justice's Anti-Trust Division?  This is a terrific action thriller in which Murphy steals the show.  For a war movie set in a department store, see "Dangerous Game."    

Saturday, March 19, 2022

Lake of the Dead, Ghosts Norwegian Style

Other than the classic horror film "The Snow Bunny Massacre," our feature today may be the best horror film ever to come out of Norway.  Ghosts, possession, and deviant family dynamics play havoc with our minds in 1958's "Lake of the Dead," directed by Kare Bergstrom.  Pretty Norwegian babes in much peril and the hunks trying to save them is offered up in a more refined manner than in the aforementioned "The Snow Bunny Massacre."

Six great-looking Norwegians head into the wilderness for a few days of R&R.  Bernhard (Henki Kolstad) is a writer with a babe wife, Sonja (Bjorg Engh).  Also along for the vacation is nubile babe Lillian (Henny Moan) and her shrink Bugge (Erling Lindahl).  I know, when a babe is bringing her shrink along on a vacation, this may be a warning sign.  Uh oh, they reach a 100 year old cabin by a haunted lake.  Every August 23rd, a horrific scream emanates from the lake.  100 years ago, Gravik (Leif Sommerstad), a one-legged woodsman, took an axe to his sister and her lover.  Uh oh, again...when the crew gets to the cabin, Lillian's brother Bjorn (Per Lillo-Stenberg) is missing...and Lillian senses he's dead.  Apparently, Lillian and Bjorn have always shared a psychic connection.  The lake seems menacing, giving everyone bad vibes, except for Sonja who seems to relish swimming in it...there's always one.

As the crew waits for Bjorn, who may not be dead, weird stuff begins to happen.  Bjorn's diary is found and seems to suggest his sanity was going down the drain.  Then the caretaker, Braten (Oylind Oyen) tells everyone the bloody backstory of the cabin and about the murders.  Even worse, August 23 is tomorrow and Gravik's ghost is supposed to scream and reappear.  Now Lillian seems entranced and has to be restrained as she tries to throw herself into the lake.  People begin dying and all indications are that Gravik is back hunting for Norwegians.  Bugge and Bernhard try to unravel the mystery in order to save Lillian but the damsel appears too far gone.  Much bickering ensues until...well, you'll see.

Will Lillian suffer the same fate as Gravik's sister suffered at the hands of his axe?  Is Bjorn dead?  Will Norway be part of Russia when the sequel to this film is made?  To see what scares Norway, this is the film you will want to see.  Ghosts, possession, and talkative Scandinavians will explode at you from the silver screen when you see "Lake of the Dead."    

Thursday, March 17, 2022

Slashlorette Party, Lingerie Clad Babes Behaving Badly

Lingerie clad babes in catfights.  Lingerie clad babes murdering one another,  Nude stripper babes rubbing each other in the shower.  Lingerie clad babes doing lesbian make-out scenes.  Hunk guys chasing after the lingerie clad babes.  Yep...a plot for the ages.  In a metaphor for this last decade, 2020's "Slashlorette Party," directed by Paul Ragsdale and Angelica De Alba.  In this one machetes and axes will join the babes as decapitations, disembowelment, and bludgeoning explode at you on the silver screen.

Plot?  Seriously?  Okay, here goes.  Brie (Molly Souza) is a redheaded beauty engaged to the rude Dolph (Andrew Brown).  She is having second thoughts as Dolph has all the signs of being an abusive future spouse.  Brie talks to her shrink, Dr. Petra (Ginger Lynn) about her fears of marriage.  The bachelorette party is at hand and her maid of honor,  Alexa (Brooke Morris) gets her to an isolated cabin with her besties, Dolph, and Dolph's hunk friends.  Brie is eager to get away from Dolph but inertia seems to be taking her to the altar.  Uh oh...Dolph intents to have sex with some of the bridesmaids including the very hot Carmella (Vanessa Mata).  Uh oh, again...the sultry Nia (Nina Lance Kent) wants to run away with Brie and have passionate lesbian sex with her.  

Enter two slashers with machetes and axes.  Pretty bridesmaids and hunks begin dying horribly in the woods around the cabin.  Two blonde strippers arrive and make-out with the hunks and bridesmaids, and each other in a steamy shower.  Then a weird male stripper shows up...this will give you nightmares.  Nia makes her passion play for Brie, giving us a steamy lesbians in lingerie make-out scene.  Machetes in the face, blonde stripper entrails washing down the drain, and decapitations fill the second half of this film.  Suspects?  Yes!  Everyone, actually.  No character in this film is well adjusted, psychologically...and all have plenty of access to bladed weapons.

Is "Slashorette Party" a thinly veiled metaphor for the CDC and the horror they inflicted upon the world?  Will Brie end up choosing Dolph, Nia, or one of the slashers...or maybe a blonde stripper?  Are axes and machetes to the gut a sign of a more puritanical indie film industry than what mainstream Hollywood is?  Is being aroused by blood dripping down satin lingerie a sign of sexual deviance?  Okay, this is a wild one that should not be discussed in polite company.  If you have some impolite company coming over, put on "Slashlorette Party."   

Tuesday, March 15, 2022

The Unhealer, Eating Garbage and Murdering Classmates

You eat garbage!  What happens?  You murder your classmates.  Never fear, they all had it coming.  Still, one must concentrate on their diets and avid fried foods, sugar, Styrofoam, jockstraps, and dirty laundry. Apparently these diets aren't too uncommon.  Throw in Lance Henriksen and Natasha Henstridge and we have a nice and quirky horror film.  Today we look at 2020's "The Unhealer," directed by Martin Guigui.

Pflueger (Henriksen) arrives in town.  He is a faith healer/con man.  Unlike most faith healer/con men, he actually cures people.  Uh oh...his healing powers aren't from The Lord.  Bernice (Henstridge) is worried about her son Kelly and pays Pflueger her life savings to cure him.  His problem?  He doesn't eat regular food.  He eats garbage.  Yep.  He doesn't eat Raman noodles...he eats the Styrofoam cup they come in.  Years of doing this leads to malnutrition and now Kelly is very sick.  Pflueger cures him, but dies in the Pflueger's magical healing powers are transferred to Kelly.  Uh oh, we find out the downside of this healing thing.

Kelly (Elijah Nelson), a diminutive figure is bullied often.  He finds out that anytime someone hurts him, he is no longer harmed.  The offender is.  For example, if a brute punches him in the nose, Kelly will be fine but the brute will have a broken nose. Now Kelly has a plan for revenge...get bullied and beat up.  As a result the kids bullying him get maimed or murdered.  It gets bloody and Ms. Henstridge meets a horrible fate.  With his mom murdered, Kelly loses it and arranges a massacre.  Oh yes, his high school classmate, Dominique (Kayla Carlson) falls in love with him and the bullies aren't happy about that.  Now the Navajo medicine man, Red Elk (Branscombe Richmond) figures he needs to reclaim the healing power from Kelly before too much carnage occurs.  Yep, this is a wild one.

Will Dominique uncover more of this gift's powers in her future intimacies with Kelly?  Will an anti-bullying campaign begin at Kelly's high school or will the school run out of bullies?  Will there be a prequel that contains a torrid love affair with Lance Henriksen and Natasha Henstridge?  This one gets very gory and ambitious.  For a far reaching horror film that will give you quite a ride, see "The Unhealer."   

Sunday, March 13, 2022

Zontar: The Thing from Venus, The Giant Bird from Our Neighbor

Venus!  The closest planet to our own.  We (America) has never been there.  The Soviets have, a few times.  We went to Mars!  Did you know the Soviets beat us to Mars?  They did.  Doesn't get broadcasted by NASA...but they were a few years ahead of us.  Leave it to NASA to make Mars boring with pictures of sand and rocks.  Come on Elon Musk!  Drive NASA out of business.'s feature is 1967's "Zontar:  The Thing from Venus," directed by Larry Buchanan.

Curt (John Agar) and Keith (Tony Huston) are two scientists and best buddies.  Boring blokes with hot wives, Anne and Martha (Susan Bjurman and Pat Delaney).  Both women could have done better.  Sad.  Keith, fed up at being dull, decides to communicate with an alien on Venus.  He invites the Venusian to Earth... mistake. Zontar arrives and cons Keith into helping him take over Earth.  The Venusian looks like a demented Rodan from those Japanese monster movies.  Little Zontars fly through the sky implanting control devices on the town leaders and generals.  Curt is left "un-controlled" as Zontar needs his scientific abilities.

Curt figures out that his bestie and Zontar are collaborating to take over Earth and wants no part of it.  The town is now in a panic and key players in the military are under Zontar's control. The beautiful wives? Well, they must have lost a bet as their poor matrimony choices are about to be brutally realized.  Now Curt must fight a lonely battle against the Venus invader and his dweeb buddy, Keith.  Eventually we see Zontar in all his glory as Keith's wife decides to try to save the world.

Will the beautiful wives save the world as Curt remains slow on the uptake?  Is Zontar running the world a happier prospect than the dozen or so billionaires who run the world now?  If Zontar does conquer the world will he choose Anne or Martha (or both) as his mating vessel?  Cheesy and at times heartbreaking, "Zontar: The Thing from Venus" is a lot of fun and worth a watch.

Friday, March 11, 2022

The H-Man, Oozing Gangster vs the Lounge Singer

Ishiro Honda was not through warning the world against A-bombs and H-bombs after his original "Godzilla."  In 1958 there were now two nuclear powers with more on the horizon.  Perhaps his message was now growing in importance.  What better way to deliver a once ignored plea for peace and harmony than to shelve the dinosaur creature in favor of ooze!  Ooze, some exotic dancers, and a sultry lounge singer in slinky gowns.  Today we look at 1958's "The H-Man," directed by Mr. Honda.

A Tokyo gangster is fleeing a heist.  Misaki (Hisaya Ito) is panicked by whatever he stole which he has contained in a black bag.  Now his buddies double-cross him and Misaki shoots whatever is in the bag.  In the pouring rain, Misaki melts and is washed down the sewer drain.  Inspector Tominaga (Akihiko Hirata) arrives at the scene and a big investigation begins.  They are looking for Misaki.  Meanwhile, the sultry Chikako (Yumi Shirakawa) seduces her audience after the exotic dancers warmed them up.  She is Misaki's honey.  The beauty is now under investigation by an aggressive Tominaga and wanted by Misaki's thug friends.  Uh oh...something else wants her.  One by one, Misaki's buddies are attacked by a watery slime which engulfs them and dissolves them.

Chikako is almost murdered by one of these thugs when the poor sap dissolved.  Enter dweeb scientist Dr. Masada (Kenji Sahara).  He has studied the effects of H-Bomb testing on humans.  Masada believes the radiation from these tests dissolves people into an ooze that is still very much alive.  The ooze continues eating thugs and even some nubile exotic dancers.  Masada falls in love with Chikako, as will you, and Chikako keeps donning shiny and tight gowns and performing with bikini clad exotic dancers.  Looks like Misaki, in his new form, wants Chikako back.  Now our beauty must survive Tokyo gangsters and a hopelessly in love ooze (a metaphor for all us guys?).  Never fear.  He may drool and stutter a lot, but Dr. Masada intends to save the sultry singer and rid Tokyo of their latest menace.

If Misaki does get Chikako back, what will passion look like between the two of them?  Trading in Godzilla for a watery ooze, can we assume Mr. Honda was facing the horrors that are present when funding for his projects dry up?  Will the bikini clad exotic dancers have anything to say or jiggle about when faced with a watery menace?  This is a good and atmospheric one, shot kind of like a film noir film.  For a semi-unusual, and alluring Japanese horror film that blows "Godzilla" away in the cheese factor, see "The H-Man."

Wednesday, March 9, 2022

Recovery, Slasher in an Insane Asylum its not an insane asylum, per se.  Technically its a treatment facility for heroin addicts...babe heroin addicts.  More importantly...this is a slasher film in the traditional sense.  A knife wielding killer slicing up babe heroin addicts.  Classic theme yes...classic plot?  Not quite.  This may appear to be a standard slasher film, and that would be fine, but it takes another road...not a road to recovery, either.  Directed by John Liang, today we look at 2019's "Recovery."

Ronnie (Stephanie Pearson) was a soldier in Afghanistan.  The highly decorated Ranger was a trained killer.  The absence of war and horrific memories drove her to addiction, and eventually committed to this remote treatment center in the middle of nowhere.  On her first day a raging snow storm isolates the patients and staff from the rest of the world.  Ronnie is angry and hates everyone.  The beautiful Dr. Jessica (Hope Quattrocki) tries to reach her.  Ronnie's fellow patients patients seem quite insane.  Temper issues see Ronnie getting into multiple catfights with everyone else.  She does make friends.  Meg (Liz Fenning) and Dana (Arielle Hader) are two beauties and a lesbian couple.  Her other friend is the nearly catatonic Katherine (Aily Kei) who has totally withdrawn from reality.

Soon, patients start getting slashed.  Suspects?  Everyone...but not for long.  We figure the bodies will pile up and the killer will be identified by attrition.  Nope.  The menace is revealed way before the ending and manifests as much more lethal than your ordinary'll see.  Now Ronnie, who was the main suspect, must call on her soldier/killer skills to protect her new friends from a deadly menace.  As bladed weapons discharge many of the heroin addicted babes, Ronnie reverts to her killer mode to fight for the good guys (or gals, actually).

Will the PTSD ridden and addict Ronnie find happiness and recovery in this insane asylum/treatment facility?  Will the surviving babes eventually have to fear Ronnie more than their current tormentor?  Will Dr. Jessica be able to rewrite the textbook on treating addiction after this bloodbath ends?  No humor and a dark setting (literally and figuratively) enhance this slasher tale.  For some dreary horror with a high body count see "Recovery."

Monday, March 7, 2022

Biohazard, Star Trek Space Babe vs. Alien

Angelique Pettyjohn was taken from us too soon.  At almost 49 years old, the beauty succumbed to cancer after beating a nasty alcohol problem.  Most remember her as the sultriest space-babe ever to appear on a "Star Trek" episode, and right after that as a co-star in an Elvis Presley film.  Later in life, Ms. Pettyjohn became an "adult entertainer" in Vegas.  Today we will look at a Fred Olen Ray film which she starred in, 1985's "Biohazard." 

The U.S. Army is summoned to a desert lab where an unusual crate has been taken.  Carter (William Fair) is an army guy assigned to tend to this crate as generals and U.S. senators discuss what it is.  Oh yes, Lisa (Pettyjohn).  Looking like an adult entertainer, and seemingly old enough to be Carter's mother, the blonde bombshell is apparently a psychic with a connection to the alien in the crate.  Yep, the alien gets loose and goes on a rampage.  Carter is assigned to team up with Lisa and kill it.  They'll feel each other up first, which is very awkward given the apparent age difference of the two.

The alien looks to be a cross between Twiki from "Buck Rogers in the 25th Century" and a teen-age mutant ninja turtle.  Nevertheless, he is adept at shredding throats and faces.  While on the loose the alien kills annoying people and most notably, the adult entertainer looking Jenny (Loren Crabtree).  She'll be nude in a bathtub when we first see her...very sad, but obviously competition for Ms. Pettyjohn on the set of this film.  Carter proves incompetent and so does Lisa as they smooch and grope.  Uh oh...the alien seems to be giving birth to little snake-like aliens with big teeth that like to shoot themselves at human faces.  Now a final confrontation is inevitable between the Carter and Lisa tandem and the slimy alien things.  Surprises will abound, beware.

Will Lisa and Jenny get in a catfight before Jenny's bloody demise?  Will Carter ever pick on women his own age?  Will the Twiki like alien get any action from any of Earth's adult entertainers?  Hey!  Fred Olen Ray, a "Star Trek" space-babe, adult entertainers, and gory kills!  Watch "Biohazard" and forget about the garbage going on in Europe right now.   

Saturday, March 5, 2022

Zombie Pirates, Blonde Babe vs. Hungry Buccaneers

If Fred Olen Ray wants to make a straight to DVD film paying homage to the "Tombs of the Blind Dead" series, who am I to argue?  One thing is'll be better than any of these Marvel/Disney monstrosities.  Throw in Sarah French as a very sexy thief/murderer and right away, this becomes a must see cinematic event.  Today we look at 2014's "Zombie Pirates," directed by Steve Sessions.

Her latest burglary doesn't go well.  Linda (French) had to murder the homeowner and received a round in her shoulder as well.  Her spoils?  A fake piece of artwork and a seemingly worthless notebook.  Uh oh, she was followed away from the scene of the crime by a mysterious professor type, Grant (J.C. Pennylegion).  He has the video surveillance feed capturing Linda's murder/burglary.  Now Grant blackmails her into obtaining pirate treasure.  More specifically, Captain Lessard's (Eric Spudic) treasure.  Centuries ago, the pirate made a pact with the devil...see, he needs human souls and bodies to eat.  The bargain.  Lessard will bestow silver coins on anyone who kills five humans for him and dumps their bodies near his ghost pirate ship.

Grant translates the notebook for Linda and forces her to kill five times to secure Lessard's silver.  The sultry thief turned serial killer does this well.  On successive nights, just like the notebook instructs, Linda lures in a victim, murders him, and dumps the corpse.  Lessard's ship arrives, collects the corpse, and the ghost pirates eat the poor sap.  Uh oh...finding five will not be so easy as a nosy cop (Denman Powers) is on her tail.  The zombie pirates are an impatient bunch and if Linda does not deliver, will make her one of the sacrifices.

Will Linda be able to deliver five corpses for the hungry zombie pirates?  Will Fred Olen Ray's version of the 'Tombs of the Blind Dead' be packed with the deviance of the original Euro-Trash classic?  From executive produce Fred Olen Ray...zombies...a babe thief...and gore...see "Zombie Pirates."

Thursday, March 3, 2022

Bloodsucker's Planet, Retro Vampire Scifi

Made to look like early 1960's "Planet of the Vampires," our feature today is a weird one.  The Mario Bava classic sporting leather spacesuit clad babes and hunks was a Giallo classic.  Today we look at 2019's "Bloodsucker's Planet," directed by Mark Beal.  We still have snazzy faux leather space-suited clad babes and hunks and eerie monsters.  Oh yes, a purple haired pleasure droid.  Throw in laser guns, bug monsters, toothy vampires, sex, and a barren and slimy planet landscape.

A distress signal from the Planet Mara is detected by the rocket ship Argosy.  Captain McDermott (Allen Menefee) decides to land and check it out.  The planet is dark, rainy, and infested with face-hugging bats. McDermott takes his mechanic Danvers (Logan Hooks), medical officer Condu (Joe Jeremy Herrera), and space-babe Paulina (Adrienne Dobson) to look for the source of the SOS.  Evading slimy bat creatures, the quartet find a base where a weird guy named Bartlett (Joe Grisaffi) lives with his pleasure android, Adrianna (Jessica Bell).  Adrianna cooks, dances, cleans, and satisfies.  She is a looker with ruby red lips and neon purple hair,

Oh yes, second in command, Clarissa (Leni Mex) has remained with the rocket ship.  At first, the visiting quartet are charmed by Bartlett.  One by one, the crew falls victim to creatures controlled by a queen vampire (Catalina Querida).  As the crew members are bitten, they turn into vampires.  Uh oh!  The pleasure android falls in love with Condu.  Now the machine's loyalty isn't to Bartlett, but to the new love of her (its) life.  Condu and Adrianna will have pre-marital sex.  Now bug creatures appear and the sad history of the Planet Mara is explained.  Vampires will get aggressive and desire the rocket ship, now only guarded by Clarissa...and you can guess why.

Will pleasure android Adrianna be able to save the new love of her life or any other human?  Will the queen vampire and her minions turn all of the crew into toothy creatures?  Will either Adrianna or a vampire army commandeer the Argosy for a voyage to Earth?  This is a fun one which will stoke nostalgic fires for those campy old scifi films.  For some purple haired eroticism and vampire horror, see "Bloodsucker's Planet."    

Tuesday, March 1, 2022

Bull Shark, Go Shark!

Mallory Hargrove is a lovely young actress.  The beauty may be considered to be the best part of 2022's "Bull Shark."  Sadly, as a bikini-babe in a shark film, her role is a small one.  Nubile bikini babes in the surf just don't fare well in these types of movies.  Her demise leaves us with a slate of really annoying characters, including a coroner with an annoying eating disorder.  Still, 2022's "Bull Shark," directed by Brett Bentman is a likable film and perhaps the best metaphor we have for the Russo-Ukrainian Police Action occurring now.

Through no fault of its own, a bull shark...or a family of bull sharks (don't ask), gets released in a large Texas lake.  The aforementioned bikini-babe will be the first to be eaten.  Enter a badly alcoholic game warden, Spencer (Thom Hallum).  We'll meet his wife, Dottie (Lindsey Marie Wilson) later and understand why he is two sheets to the wind most of the time.  Spencer chats with the really annoying coroner (Tiffany McDonald) and we are forced to watch her eat pork rinds...after this, we pray for her gruesome demise.  Anyway, the sheriff (Derrick Redford) wants to get re-elected and will not close the lake...he'll be eaten.  

After conversing with a scientist, Spencer figures out a bunch of bull sharks are now living in his lake.  With the help of a redneck, Nolan (Billy Blair), who wears a Macho Man Randy Savage T-shirt, he arms himself with guns, a thermos, his ex-wife, and C4 explosive to go hunt the shark.  Of course, the sharks eat...well...unfortunately they don't eat the coroner as we have to watch her eat an apple.  Say what you want about the shark, but we the viewer really want to slap the coroner silly.  Back to the shark... perhaps its penchant for eating bikini-babes is merely nature's metaphor for what Hollywood does to young actresses, today.

Will any bikini-babe survive this film?  Will someone put the digestively challenged coroner out of her misery?  Will Spencer be fortunate enough to find a replacement for his judgmental wife?  You'll be cheering for the shark in this one, but that's okay.  Don't wait for Shark Week on Discovery, see "Bull Shark" tonight.