Tuesday, August 31, 2021

Bigfoot's Bride, Grindhouse and Sasquatch

You have to love this Erick Wofford film.  It is a 2021 movie filmed in early 1970s drive-in style.  It has the aura of a drive in film from the cheesy effects, perhaps a missing reel, broken film that melts, and plenty of gratuitous cheese and gore.  Plus Bigfoot!  Now, don't get all sweet on me here...it ain't the cute and benign Bigfoot...nope...think grotesque and hideous.  The movie will ramp up the shock and gore as the film progresses...and more babes will be introduced to the plot with rather bloody results.  Today we look at "Bigfoot's Bride."

Plot?  Think a modern redneck version of "Beauty and the Beast."  But be ready to drop that characterization pretty quickly.  Heather (Jessica Meghan Rivera) is sultry.  She is hoping to meet her screwy boyfriend in the wilderness for some camping and pre-marital sex.  Bigfoot has spotted her and is transfixed by her beauty.  After shredding some campers, he lays low and spies on Heather.  The monster will witness Heather break up with her BF during a cell phone call,  She'll be sad and the hideous creature knows he cannot approach her.  The thing has seen what he looks like in a reflection in the water and understands the babe is out of his league.  Heather gets sadder and contemplates suicide.

Up until now this is all very sweet.  Heather needs a shoulder to cry on and Bigfoot has that fury shoulder.  When Heather holds a gun up to her head, Bigfoot has to act.  Forget sweetness...what happens next will be shocking.  Other babes are also in the area.  Bigfoot has impregnated one and has another strung up for...well...impregnation, I assume.  Bigfoot loves beauty but beauty does not love Bigfoot.  More hunters will be torn to shreds and the babes must escape...if they can.  If they can't?  You'll see...and maybe you will wish you hadn't.  There will be some taboo plot devices in this film.  The Bigfoot creature will be nightmarish and won't be reminiscent to any Bigfoot portrayal you have seen.

Will the sultry and nubile Heather be ripped apart, impregnated, or find cryptoid love?  Is the Bigfoot's treatment of women in this film a metaphor of the entertainment industry's misogyny and depravation, especially toward young actresses?  Are we being judgmental in condemning Bigfoot's treatment of sultry babes. after all, don't these hideous creatures deserve love?  Fans of Grindhouse cinema will love "Bigfoot's Bride," as will people who love their horror shocking.  

Sunday, August 29, 2021

Megashark vs. Crocosaurus, The Heavy Weight Championship

Okay, I confess.  When the 1,500 foot crocodile flew through the air, descended on Sea World, and ate Shamu...I laughed.  Does that make me an awful person?  When the 1,500 foot shark swallows a U.S. Nave nuclear sub and Nigel says "I think the sharks just went nuclear," I laughed again.  Today we have a marvelous 2010 made for Syfy classic, "Megashark vs. Crocosaurus," directed by Christopher Ray.  Big monsters, hunks, babes, and the U.S. Navy will thrill us today.

A humungous croc busts free in The Congo, eats natives, and causes the owner of some diamond mines to try to hire Nigel (Gary Stretch) to kill the thing.  The big game hunter is approached by a ravishing blonde (Hannah Cowley), but she is eaten... so sad...and Nigel remains a free agent.  Okay, the 1,500 foot shark decimates the U.S.S. Gibson, named after pop artist  Debbie Gibson. The only survivor is Terry (Jaleel White).  Among the dead is Terry's fiancĂ©, the ravishing Corrine (Nicola Lambo).  He'll get over it quickly.  Now N.O.A.A. sends Special Agent, Hutchinson (Sarah Lieving) to collect Terry and Nigel and kill the monster duo.  Who knew N.O.A.A. had special agents that carry weapons?  Can they also impose a moratorium on landlord-tenant evictions?

Hutchinson is sultry and grouchy.  She yells at Terry and Nigel a lot and we are left wondering if she will have pre-marital sex with either.  Terry is an expert on underwater sounds, or how to repel and attract sharks.  Nigel is an expert croc hunter.  As the duo is flown around by the grouchy but sultry Special Agent, Megashark is eating U.S. submarines and destroyers.  Crocosaurus is swimming to the U.S. to eat Miami, Orlando, Shamu, and lay eggs.  Then Nigel gets a bad idea...trap the beasts in the Panama Canal and blow up Panama...okay, so that's not such a bad idea.  Hutchinson will yell at them some more, and defense contractors will froth at the mouth seeing the Navy needs bigger boats.

Pure fun!  Is Terry removed enough from his fiancĂ© being eaten to have pre-marital sex with Special Agent Hutchinson?  Is Nigel's sweaty demeanor, and unshaven face irresistible enough for Special Agent Hutchinson to rip her clothes off and attack him as he holds a high-powered rifle?   Do the good people of Panama have a say when N.O.A.A. decides to blow them up?  Okay, no on that one.  For the elixir for the underwhelming and dull "Godzilla vs. Kong," see "Megashark vs. Crocosaurus."    

Friday, August 27, 2021

Feeders, Hostile ETs Eat Pennsylvania

Before the Polonia Brothers made movies with budgets of over a hundred dollars, they made 1996's "Feeders."  This was back in 1996 when Whitley Strieber was still in vogue.  Remember Mr. Strieber?  He wrote Communion chronicling his abduction by little ETs.  The little buggers in this film look like the ones he described.  Unfortunately for a Pennsylvania countryside, they are also hungrier and more mean spirited.  Directed by Jon McBride, Mark Polonia, and John Polonia, this film is a lot of fun and beats the big budget "Independence Day" any day of the week.

A UFO lands in the Pennsylvania woods and the mean aliens scatter.  A park ranger and fisherman will be the first to be eaten by the toothy and weird looking little creatures.  Derek (McBride) and Bennett (John Polonia) drive into the woods as Derek wants to photograph a flood ruined town.  After using up all his film, John arranges a date at the park with two babes, Donna (Maria Davis) and Michelle (Melissa Torpy).  Uh oh...the two nerds hit a man running out of the woods.  Little do they know an alien has eaten his way inside of him.  When they bring the dying man to the doctor, the toothy alien climbs out of the corpse and eats the doctor.  A thinly veiled metaphor of  the greedy and exploitative medical industry in the U.S.?

Okay, now the aliens are getting aggressive.  Surprise, Melissa emerges as an alien killer.  The things are small and fragile.  However small, they do have surprises.  The buggers can spit acid and wound Derek.  Now the aliens are hunting Derek and the wounded Bennett and a mothership has joined the manhunt.  The duo fights them off well but the onslaught seems never ending.  Then the final reveal.  The final 20 minutes of this film has some shocking plot twists and much carnage.  The future of mankind rests on the efforts of the youngsters in the woods.

Will Derek and Bennett ever get together with Michelle and Donna for some traditional pre-marital sex in the woods?  Would an extra $15 have enabled the makers of this movie to set it in Hong Kong or New York City?  How can Whitley Strieber survive his abduction and so many beer drinking, gun toting rednecks be felled by particle beams and alien probes?  For a great time with alien invasions and really neat looking aliens, see "Feeders."    

Wednesday, August 25, 2021

Virus Shark, No Social Distancing In the Deep

Thankfully the world is slowly losing interest in this COVID 19 idiocy.  Countries, states, and industries are opening up again and showing no interest in the so-called Delta Variant.  But wait!  The Polonoia Brothers may have something to add to the endless media on this so-called virus.  Today we look at 2021's "Virus Shark," directed by Mark Polonia.  Where "Jaws" dared not tread, the Polonia Brothers do.

An underwater research facility is charged with finding a cure for the SHVID-1 virus.  A shark bite has spread the virus and millions on the planet are dying every day.  There is hope...Dr. Fauci and Dr. Birx are nowhere to be found, but the lovely Kristi (Jamie Morgan) is.  She works tirelessly, studying the shark samples gathered in the facility.  Her cohort, Anne (Natalie Himmelberger) is also doing the same.  Together they just might do it.  Uh oh...facility engineer Rikter (Steve Diasparra) discovers the structure is starting to leak.  In another couple days, the thing will give way and implode.  Uh oh again, Shannon (Sarah Duterte) an above ground project coordinator and facility boss Greg (Titus Himmelberger) are conspiring to steal the eventual vaccine for their own profit.

The scientists get tired and Ann is invaded by a weird and aggressive blob.  Now Anne is an infected soon to be mutant.  Kristi gets security guy, Duke (Ken Van Sant) to help with the sharks.  He'll be bitten by a great white and may be infected.  Even worse, the sharks outside begin attacking the facility, weakening the structure and speeding up leaks.  Now mutant Anne is on the prowl inside the facility and Greg gets a gun and heads to see Kristi.  The effervescent Kristi will not be deterred and will have to finish up inventing the vaccine as a greedy Greg and infected Anne try to beset her.  Oh yes...the sharks are close to getting in.

This is a wonderful film and a much needed diversion from the silliness that is the so-called virus hysteria.  The cast is great and the Polonia Brothers have delivered fun, drama, and suspense via infected sharks and human greed...and mutants.  Will the Earth be able to wait for Kristi to finish inventing the vaccine?  Will the sharks get in?  Is the deteriorating situation topside even worse than invading and infecting sharks.  See "Virus Shark," a perfect movie to end the summer, and Shark week with.    

Monday, August 23, 2021

Swim, Shark in a Beach House

Addison Bowman is a lovely young actress.  The beauty plays a bikini babe in our film today.  Her string bikini serves her, and us the viewer, very well.   In all the shark films ever made, no actress has delivered a more poignant line than Ms. Bowman in the Tubi original, "Swim."  "Why is there a shark in the house?"  Miss Bowman's character has standing to ask the painful question, she sashays through this 2021 instant classic, directed by Jared Cohn (and made by our friends at Asylum), having been bitten by the fishy home invader toward the start of the film.

Hudson (Joey Lawrence) is caught in traffic. He'll be useless through most of this film, thus we will not mention him again.  His family, consisting of bikini babe wife Lacey (Jennifer Field), high school graduate daughter Charlotte (Brett Hargrave), and hunk son surfer Tucker (Daniel Grogan) arrive at a vacation beach house in northern California.  Every babe will be clad in a bikini top and Tucker will never have a shirt on.  They'll all spend the entire film wet.  Unbeknownst to our great looking family, the lessor of the place has been eaten by a shark.  They arrive and Tucker immediately goes under the dock to swap spit with his girlfriend Becky (Bowman).  Oh yes, the almost invalid grandfather, Noah (Andy Lauer) is there with a nice assortment of walkers.

Uh oh...Tucker is lured into the surf by siren Becky...and there she is bitten.  Tucker saves her and drags her back to the beach house.  A storm arrives and so do the waves.  The surf rises and throws the man-eater into the basement of the beach house.  The water level rises and now the toothy fish has access to the kitchen, living area, and soon the upstairs.  The bikini babes, and hunk Tucker are now on the run.  Grandpa is an expert fisherman and tries a fishing pole.  When that doesn't work, he'll use his walker as a harpoon...or try to.  This is all classic!  Becky is going into shock but continues to look really good.  She'll recover enough to also be on the run and utter the aforementioned classic line.  The water level rises, the bikini babes will stay wet and shiny, and Tucker will never find a shirt.

Will Becky's poignant logic translate into an ability to blow up sharks with a SCUBA tank?  Will Lacey, the hot mom, be able to protect her hot family and soon to be invalid dad?  Will grandpa's oxygen tank be utilized in the ending of this film, a la "Jaws"?  This is a fun one with mega amounts of cheese and beef.  For a wet and wild great time see this Tubi original master piece, "Swim."   

Saturday, August 21, 2021

Jakob's Wife, Barbara Crampton Beset by Vampire

Ever since "Re-Animator" in the mid 80s, Barbara Crampton has been in the hearts of us horror fans.  The sultry blonde has been beset by mad scientists, creatures from other dimensions, and monsters in castles.  Now, she is victimized by a vampire.  Today we look at 2021's "Jakob's Wife," directed by Travis Stevens.  A Shudder exclusive.

Pastor Jakob Fedder (Larry Fessenden) is the minister of a small town church in Mississippi.  His loyal and devoted wife, Anne (Crampton) is in a front pew as he delivers a sermon on "Husbands love your wives as Jesus loved the church."  We've all heard that one.  Leaving a lot out, suffice it to say, Anne is getting unsatisfied with her boring life.  When an old flame comes to town, weakness takes hold, and she finds herself about to engage in extra-marital relations with him.  To Anne's credit, she pulls away, but she has still sinned in her heart, and these types of films are indeed morality tales.  Also present is a weird crate (coffin sized), teeming with rats and The Master (Bonnie Aarons).  The rats eat the old flame and Anne is bitten by the toothy master.

Now vampires prowl this sleepy Mississippi town.  Anne begins changing and thirsts for blood.  Jakob, for a short time, is oblivious.  The thirst and youthful exuberance that take over Anne turns her into a blood thirsty monster.  She will begin killing for blood.  Sadly, Jakob catches her in the act.  The boring Jakob now undergoes his own transition - from a milquetoast and safe being pastoring a church in small town Mississippi to a vicious monster hunter, now passionately in love with his wife.  When the money is put on the table, Pastor Jakob mans up...he intends to love Anne and die for her if necessary.  The Master is a jealous demon and also intends to fight for Anne.

Will our Van Helsing wannabe be able to carve enough wooden stakes and bottle enough holy water to fight a centuries-old vampire?  Will Jakob's newfound love for his wife help Anne fight off her new urges?  Will Barbara Crampton deliver the eroticism we, her fans, are accustomed to seeing in her films?  Oh, come on!  That's what you all are asking yourselves!  For a neat vampire flick with gore, vampire carnage, and yes...eroticism, see "Jakob's Wife."  

Thursday, August 19, 2021

Embedded, A Posse, A News Crew, and Bigfoot

The shredding of a news crew is cause for celebration in the United States.  Sick of lies and strategies to divide a once great people, Americans abhor the so-called news media.  In fact, the American people seem to be in love with the Bigfoot legend.  So combine these two and it is pretty obvious who the viewing audience will be cheering for.  Today we look at a found footage horror film from 2012, "Embedded," directed by Michael Bafaro.

TV news reporter James (Don Knodel) and his cameraman Tom (Jeb Beach) are sent to the wilderness in Montana to cover disappearing cattle.  James has fallen from grace at the network.  He used to cover conflict in the middle east, but when he couldn't keep his tally-whacker in his pants, he got busted down to human interest features.  With a bad attitude, the reporter begins covering the story.  When three hunters go missing and another hunter shows up with his arm ripped off, he senses he may have a deeper story.  Sheriff Mike (Steve Thackaray) forms a posse to go into the wilds and search for a missing boy whose dad was torn to pieces.  The news crew goes with them.

It isn't long before Sheriff Mike and James realize they are searching for a monster...bigfoot, to be more specific.  Blood soaked crime scenes are taped off and ripped in half hunters are found.  Uh oh...bigfoot isn't happy that his hunting grounds have been invaded.  One by one, an emboldened bigfoot starts grabbing, and ripping in half, posse members.  Experienced hunters aren't able to get shots off as the monster is quick.  As the carnage increases and the bigfoot gets bolder, the tone of James' account captured by the camera, reveals a scared reporter.  Oh yes...we do get to see bigfoot...and a little surprise at the end adds to the horror of this found footage film.

Is this film a thinly veiled metaphor of what the American public wants to do to these clowns claiming to be news reporters?  Will any of this beset posse make it out of the Montana wilds?  This is a pretty good found footage film, especially for bigfoot enthusiasts.  For a neat Friday night movie party, enjoy "Embedded."

Tuesday, August 17, 2021

Army of One, Babe Soldier vs. Redneck Clan

Exactly why are we fighting in Iraq and Afghanistan?  Oh yeah, to protect our freedoms here...right...I have to keep telling myself that.  Anyway, today we have a sultry army Ranger at war in the wilderness fighting rednecks who seek to string her up, probably impregnate her, and mess her up real bad.  Oh yeah, they murdered her husband...now that is a reason to fight!  Today we look at 2020's "Army of One," directed by Stephen Durham.

Brenner (Ellen Hollman) is a sultry ex U.S. Army Ranger.  Quite the war hero she is. Her husband (Matt Passmore) and her go camping and to get out of the rain have sex in a nearby cabin.  Too bad the inhabitants come home and find them.  The inhabitants are a redneck gang into weapons, white slavery, and illegal booze.  They are headed by an old lady known as Mama (Geraldine Singer).  Her boys execute Brenner's hubby and think they execute her...wrong.  She survives and doubles back.  Brenner's wrath begins and she takes a number of the rednecks out.

She'll be captured and caged and she'll escape along with captive babes of the white slavery ring.  She'll inflict more carnage and be recaptured.  Why they just don't kill her when they have the chance...well, bad move on their part.  Fortunately Mama commands several dozen redneck brutes so the kill count will be enormous.  Martial arts, pistols, machetes, and boobie traps will help Brenner dispose of redneck scum.  We know eventually a confrontation between the Mama and Brenner will occur.  Unfortunately for Mama, Brenner is hardly the grieving widow, she is more of the angry psycho widow.

Will Brenner go through all the rednecks and fight Mama at the conclusion of this film?  Is Brenner merely just like them once she starts killing them?  Ha!  No!  She's a babe, we can forgive her homicidal tendencies!  If our military had goals as clearly defined as Brenner's in this story, would we have more luck in our military engagements overseas?  Perhaps this is merely "I Spit on Your Grave" without the glitter...still, Ms. Hollman is stunning and sweats a lot in her role as a unhinged widow.  For a great time watching a film with a huge kill count, see "Army of One."  

Sunday, August 15, 2021

Tribal: Get Out Alive, A Mad Scientist's Creations Go Awry

Add to the list of plot devices that guarantee a terrific film...glowing green liquid in a test tube.  Yep, with that glowing serum, mutants and carnage can't be far behind.  Add in some hunk cops, babe policewomen, and a security force headed by a PTSD ridden babe and we have an almost instant classic.  There will be cannibalism, machetes, explosions, and impalements...do you need anything more?  Today we look at "Tribal: Get Out Alive," directed by Matt Routledge.

She's a babe and a war hero.  Caitlin (Zara Phythian) can decimate any security threat.  As the film begins, her and her beefy partner Brad (Ross O'Hennessy) take apart some drug dealers trespassing on property they are guarding.  These two will be matched up with a few more security peeps, including the babe Rebecca (Rachel Warren) in joining hunk cops and babe policewomen in clearing an abandoned mansion of squatters.  The heir of a mad scientist is claiming the mansion.  He's a loser named Kenning (Thomas Doss).  Uh oh...before our forces arrive, someone or something is murdering the cops already there.  Caitlyn heads the security company's team and she takes them inside to begin the clean-out.

Immediately the attack begins.  The peeps left guarding the perimeter are destroyed and a mutant horde traps Caitlyn and her peeps in the bowels of the mansion.  As the babe policewomen are decimated, Caitlyn and her mates get separated.  Brad and Rebecca make horrific discoveries in a laboratory before the sultry Rebecca is annihilated.  Now Kenning decides he wants to be king of the mutants which isn't entirely helpful to Caitlyn's plight.  The onslaught continues and Caitlyn's martial arts skills serve her well.  As the survivors, so far, figure out what is going on in this mansion, and as Kenning tries to become a mutant, the remaining hunks and babes must fight their way through a mutant horde to survive and escape.

Just what kind of creation are these mutants and why were they created?  Will Caitlyn's PTSD betray her and her mates as they fight their way through mutant hordes?  Is there some sort of unwritten rule that only one babe can be alive as films draw to their conclusions?  This is a good action/horror film with some neat martial art fight scenes.  For some great mutant and mad scientist horror, see "Tribal: Get Out Alive." 

Friday, August 13, 2021

Catskill Park, Aliens vs. Reality TV

I know...go aliens!  Sure we are all sick of so-called "reality TV."  Okay, maybe Denise Richards show ("It's Complicated") from 10 years ago was an exception...but for the most part, we've had it!  Send down some extra-terrestrials and spaceships with otherworldly weapons and wipe them all out.  Hence 2018's "Catskill Park," directed by Vlad Yudin.

Tommy is a cameraman producer for a TV production company that makes reality TV programs.  Fry him!  I know.  He is coming off of a hit (okay, "hit" may be a slight exaggeration), "Adventure Man."  His new idea?  A man...a camera...the wilderness.  Go ahead and gag.  Now it gets good.  He sets out into the wilderness of New York state with his main squeeze, the sultry Monica (Melissa Haley Smith).  Say what you want about the loser Tommy, Monica is a major league babe who intends to have much pre-marital sex with him in a tent.  They meet up with their friends, the hunk Ex (Alexander Cendese) and his sultry gal, Sam (Lauren Francesca).  Those two also plan a lot of pre-marital sex.  Don't get too invested in the Sam babe, she won't remain sultry.

We'll skip the relationship drama and go right to the action.  The UFOs arrive and do something horrendous to Sam.  Now the quartet is on the run from...from...well, we don't know yet.  They'll meet up with a couple more blokes, but those two won't last long.  It appears the UFO has released a creature.  Oh yeah, Sam?  Alas, very sad.   Whatever the UFO and the creature are, they seem to have a plan for females...as if us Tommy and Ex don't.  Next, we'll meet the mad scientist, Charles (Rajesh Nahar)...he knows what's going on...but his mind is gone.  Now the survivors get a glimpse at what they're dealing with and the horror increases.  With the babes otherwise occupied, poor damsels, Ex and Tommy are on the run again and the UFO and creature don't intend to allow them to escape.

Found footage, so be warned.  Miss Francesca and Miss Smith are stunning and we do want them to escape and remain beautiful.  How do two losers like Tommy and Ex get babes like Sam and Monica?  Exactly what do the ETs want with Sam and Monica?  Okay, stupid question.  For haters of reality TV, this film will have you cheering.  For some terrific beef and cheese action, and some mean ETs, see "Catskill Park." 

Wednesday, August 11, 2021

Amusement, Three Sultry Damsels in Much Distress

Our slasher film today can boast of three very beautiful damsels in much distress.  Perhaps the plot is not too original, but who cares?  For those of you who love anthologies, you will want to take a look at this one.  Not an anthology, but filmed like one.  Those of you who like nubile babes in much trouble, will also want to watch.  Also, you peeps who like gore, torture, and ominous death, you will also want to watch this one.  Today we look at 2008's "Amusement," directed by John Simpson. 

In elementary school, prepping for an art project, a little boy displays that he is ONE SICK PUPPY!  His art project horrifies and sickens three sweet classmates.  Now the classmates are all grown up and all quite beautiful.  In an ominous and imaginative opening, one of the babes, Shelby (Laura Breckenridge) is abducted after a weird cat and mouse game on the road.  Next up is Tabitha (Katheryn Winnick).  The blonde is babysitting when she finds a murdered cheerleader and a room full of horrific clowns.  With a cheerleader corpse on top of her, Tabitha is attacked and abducted.  Finally, Lisa (Jessica Lucas).  Her search for a missing friend (Fernanda Dorogi) lures her to a creepy hotel...and abduction.

Bad news, the fiend (Keir O'Donnell), a weirdo with an evil laugh, who abducted them, also offed their dweeb boyfriends.  Now the gals are in weird cells and apparent victims of disembowelment and torture...you'll see.  Tabitha seems whole and it is up to her to save her friends and effect an escape.  The evil fiend has planned this out.  The dames are slow on the uptake but their former classmate/psycho is not.  He toys with them, humiliates them, and sets forth death machines that medieval torturers would be proud of.  What follows will not be easy to watch.

Do these three beauties have any prayer at making it out alive?  Is this film a thinly veiled metaphor of what the psychotropic drugs given to little boys, in public school, will cause when the little boys become big psychos?  Would the little fiend's elementary school art project merit NEA federal funding in modern times?  Gory, ominous, and heartbreaking.  The three actresses who play the beset beauties are wonderful and we sincerely hope they will survive the psycho.  For a neat slasher film, see "Amusement."

Monday, August 9, 2021

Terra Formars, Mars Cockroaches Attack

From Japan we have an ambitious science fiction/horror story that probably originated in Anime.  As if cockroaches aren't icky enough, Martian ones can stand seven feet tall and evolve every ten minutes.  Hence the horror in 2016's "Terra Formars," directed by Takashi Miike.  Sadly, there will be many Japanese space-babes who die horribly at the hands of the alien bugs.

The Earth's resources are drying up.  The Japanese government begins a plan of changing Mars so it grows vegetation and is hospitable to humans.  Now Mars is almost ready...almost.  See, cockroaches are out of hand up there and a team of "volunteers" is sent there to exterminate the pests.  Volunteers?  Hah!  We meet two at the outset, a babe and hunk wrongly accused of murder.  Shokichi (Hideaki Ito) and Nanao (Emi Takei).  They have a choice...either spend the rest of their lives in prison or volunteer to kill cockroaches on Mars.  In fact, every volunteer is some sort of fiendish criminal who is given the same choice.  The ship takes off and lands on Mars.  Scouting teams are sent out...no bugs in sight.

Horrors...the bugs evolved into humanoid cockroach monsters standing seven feet tall.  The sultry Nanao is murdered immediately by these buggers.  A bigger problem looms.  Millions of them surround the spaceship.  Fear not...each "volunteer" has been giving bug DNA which can be activated by a booster shot.  The bug DNA is from bugs that prey on cockroaches.  The crew, one by one, injects themselves in order to combat the cockroach horde...with very mixed results.  More Asian space-babes will be annihilated...so sad.  Uh oh again, the mastermind behind this plan, Dr. Honda (Shun Oguri) and his dragon-lady Sakakibara (Rila Fukushima) have more ambitious plans that include conquering Earth.

The bug action in this one even tops "Starship Troopers" in scope.  As the space-babes are murdered at a faster rate than space-hunks, this seems like a sad tale.  Just wait.  Is there a reason for the very early annihilation of the sultry Nanao?  Just how does Dr. Honda plan to conquer the Earth as his bugs are on Mars?  Is there a plan for the Martian roaches to be brought to Earth?  Anime and "Starship Troopers" fans will love this film.  Not animated, "Terra Formars" can boast of a great looking cast, though the babes will die horribly, and some neat creature effects.  See "Terra Formars" and stock up on Raid.

Saturday, August 7, 2021

The Swamp of the Ravens, Is Everyone in Ecuador Weird?

Today we take a look at the greatest film ever to come out of Ecuador.  Ecuador?  Yep, just think Bolivia without the glitz.  It was not until 1974's "The Swamp of the Ravens" that the story of this country's love affair with mad scientists could be told.  Sure, Uruguay and Paraguay had Nazi mad scientists, but who knew Ecuador had their own?  Directed by Manuel Cano, this film chronicles a mad scientist's quest to bring the dead back to life.

Travesty!  We see this happen a lot. A brilliant scientist is denied human test subjects and recently deceased corpses' by a prudish medical board at an esteemed medical college. Never fear, Dr. Frosta (Ramiro Oliveros) is not a quitter...neither was Dr. Frankenstein.  He has a serum almost (okay, maybe not almost) perfected in which if given eight minutes after death, the deceased come back...kind of.  He sneaks aboard ambulances to try this out and it works...sort of.  It needs refinement...as if Fauci's vaccine doesn't.  Yep...you guessed it...he gets his own recently dead corpses.  So they aren't quite dead when he abducts them...in the interest of science I think we can forgive him.

His laboratory is in a swamp and he throws his failed tests in it.  They'll re-emerge, you'll see. Uh oh...his girlfriend Simone (Marcelle Bichette) has dumped him for a nasally lounge singer, Richard (Marcos Molina)  You know Richard...he sings 'Robot Woman.'  You'll hear him perform...bring earplugs.  Simone is quite the dish.  Both Richard and Dr. Frosta woo a mannequin of Simone when she is with the other one.  They do that in Ecuador.  Unfortunately for Simone, Frosta has always told her if he can't have her alive, he'll have her dead.  Now he abducts Simone, not her mannequin and brings her to his swamp laboratory.  As the failed experiments come back to the surface, Simone may be in for quite the horrific fate.

If Frosta can bring the dead back to life, will the Bolivians be able to bring the mannequin to life?  Is a future with Richard the nasally lounge singer a worse fate than being resurrected from the dead to serve an ambitious mad scientist?  Has Ecuador been going down hill ever since they scrapped making serums to bring the dead back in favor of coffee bean crops?  This is a wild but creepy film and yes there are ravens (buzzards, actually) in it.  For an education about a certain South American country, see  "The Swamp of the Ravens."

Thursday, August 5, 2021

Hoax, Bigfoot's Rampage, or is it?

Bigfoot on the prowl and many will die horribly.  Standard fare for a horror film? Seemingly.  Today we look at 2019's "Hoax," directed by Matt Allen.  Of course, the title suggests that Bigfoot may not be in this film.  Well, no spoilers here in the opening paragraph, but suppose that what finally takes place is something so deviant, so gross, so over-the-top, and perhaps a step too far?  I'm not saying Bigfoot isn't in this film...just 'suppose.' 

Six great looking college kids go into the wilderness for pre-marital sex and mountain climbing. They will do more pre-marital sex than mountaineering, thus Bigfoot comes by and kills them during their orgasms.  All the mutilated and torn apart bodies are found except the pretty Alex (Ryan Lucy).  Reality TV producer Rick (Ben Browder) puts together a team to find the missing girl and to find Bigfoot.  He pays well and veterinarian-babe Ellen (Cheryl Texiera) is recruited, as is security guy John (Brian Thompson), and the missing girl's dad, Cooper (Matt Decker).  Others are along...a pot smoking cryptozoologist and info-babe Bridgette (Shoshana Bush).  

The cryptozoologist is first to go. Now the crew can't help but find clues to Bigfoots existence, including an intestine decorated mine.  The sultry Bridgette will be attacked but survive and now everyone wants off the mountain except Rick, the TV guy.  Uh oh...is Bigfoot really their biggest threat?  Bridgette is a sultry alcoholic and Rick is on some sort of narcotic.  Bigfoot gets closer and starts picking the crew off.  Then something really weird happens to the sultry Bridgitte suggesting more is going on here than just Bigfoot.  Then the final 20 minutes of the film...wow!  You won't believe it.  It's ambitious and gory, heartbreaking and terrifying, and perhaps a bit taboo for most movie audiences.

Is the missing beauty still alive, and if so what is Bigfoot doing with her?  What, other than Bigfoot, prowls this wilderness seeking nubile babes and hunks for disembowelment?  Is this a film in which you will be cheering for Bigfoot?  The ending will be shocking and totally change the mood of what appeared to be a standard Bigfoot film.  For a squirming good time, see "Hoax."  

Tuesday, August 3, 2021

Slumber, Maggie Q vs The Demon

Okay, today she isn't a sultry assassin.  She isn't a secret agent.  Not even a baddie clad in a cat-suit and black boots.  Maggie Q graces us today as a sleep doctor, though still as alluring as ever.  No sleep doctor has ever worn six-inch heels as nicely as Maggie Q.  Today we look at 2017's "Slumber," directed by Jonathan Hopkins.  Be warned, this is a scary one with some really icky scenes.

When she was a little girl Alice (Maggie Q) witnessed the death of her brother.  Her brother sleepwalked and suffered from night terrors and swore a demon was pursuing him.  Today she is a sleep doctor, still haunted by the visions (dreams) of her brother's death.  Enter a family of four.  They have the same problem.  Sarah (Kristen Bush) and Charlie (Sam Troughton) need help.  The entire family has nightmares and their little son Daniel (Lucas Bond) is at the center of it.  Both parents believe something enters their rooms during the nightmares and seeks to take Daniel.  

Alice sets them up for sleep analysis.  She wires them up at the hospital and sits back and watches.  What happens during observation is horrifying.  Now Alice realizes what killed her brother is the same phenomena that seeks Daniel.  Her family and colleagues believe her crazy.  Now Alice is obsessed in helping this family, and perhaps relieving the demons in her own life.  The demon seems to get stronger and the nightmares get stronger.  The sleepwalking family are put in more peril.  As the film goes on scenes that will have you turning your head from the screen will be common.  Icky and suggestive, this film has gore and jumps.

Will Alice be able to fight off this nightmare demon and save the family?  What in Alice's past makes her uniquely qualified to battle this nightmare demon?  Even though she plays a doctor, would any of us have objected if the movie makers still dressed her up in a tight cat-suit with high-heeled leather boots?  The ending will be a shocker and very disconcerting.  If you don't mind seeing the sultry Maggie Q beset, see "Slumber," which is a film that will give you nightmares.   

Sunday, August 1, 2021

The Mill, A Slasher and Creepy Crawlies

Okay, sure!  Our feature today is your standard run of the mill (pun! Sorry!) slasher film.  A lot of hunk and babe college kids partying at a closed down location on a Friday night when a slasher begins taking them out.  Yep, there will be some twists, perhaps a bit too telegraphed beforehand.  Still...this is a good one.  It has something a little extra.  A vague and menacing backstory and rats...snakes...spiders and other creepy crawlies.  Today we look at 2008's "The Mill" (directed by Grainger Hines).

I won't mention the first several minutes of this film so as not to give spoilers that will telegraph the twists at the end...but you'll pick right up on them.  Six hunks and babes decide to have a party at an abandoned mill.  Uh oh...they need the nerd Nick (Robert Rainbolt).  Nick's dad owns the property and Nick can get a key.  To get Nick on board, the beautiful people need to find him a date, enter the nerdette Cari (Blaire Welch). Okay, now eight enter the mill.  Shawn (Austin Hines) and Amber (Tiffany LeShai McMinn) will be the first to pair up for pre-marital sex.  Whitney (Leah Marie Parker) and Jesse (Austin James) will follow close behind.  Madison (Kelly Ray) and Kyle (Catori Swann) will also follow, leaving Nick and Cari alone.

Okay, Nick slips Cari some roofies and the results will be sadly predictable.  While in the throes of pre-marital sex, our four couples will incur the wrath of a mysterious slasher.  Yep, meat hooks, knives, blunt objects and creepy crawlies will decimate our hunks and babes in all sorts of forms of nakedness.  There will even be a snake bite on the tally-whacker scene.  One by one, the beautiful will fall.  Gratuitous spider scenes will give you the creepy crawlies as now attack dogs enter the fray.  Who will be left and who is doing the carnage?  Watch the film.

So what is the deal with Nick and his supply of roofies, is he really the nerd his buddies think he is?  How about Cari?  She is awfully hot to be a nerdette.  What did these hunks and babes do to incur the wrath of the slasher and his creepy crawlies?  When the end credits roll you will be itching at imaginary insects on your torso.  Standard fare? Yes...but well worth the watch.  For a slasher good time, see "The Mill."