Zombie 3, The Death Shot

The Death Shot!  Death 1 it is called.  Gotta beware when the military scientists give you a shot of Death 1.  Even Fauci and the CDC changed the name with their wonder va**ine.  Same result.  Anyway, when this film was made in 1988 no one could have known what the CDC and a certain mad scientist or two had planned.  Today, this 80s Italian horror film proves quite prescient.  From Italy and The Philippines we have a film directed by both Lucio Fulci and Bruno Mattei, "Zombie 3." 

As our film begins mad scientist, Dr. Holder (Robert Marius) gives a guy in an incubator a shot of his creation...Death 1.  It makes him a flesh eating zombie after disfiguring his face with boils.  Now the schmuck is leaking puss.  Soldiers in containment suits riddle it with machine guns.  Now General Morton (Mike Monty), who is as stupid as our General Milley, burns the corpse putting its ashes into the jet stream.  Birds are made into zombies and attack an RV filled with babes.  Poor Lia (Deborah Bergamini).  She'll lose her beauty and turn into a puss leaking flesh eater who eats her babe friends.  Three off-duty soldiers (Deran Sarafian, Massimo Vanni, and Octaviano Dell'Acqua) join the babes.  Now a whole town is infested with zombies.  The three soldiers and the babes find an overrun hotel.

Patricia (Beatrice Ring) is trying to drive her BF to the hospital.  He was bitten and getting pussier.  One of the soldiers takes Carol (Marina Loi) with him to help find doctors.  The sultry Carol will have her legs eaten off and try to eat the soldier Bo.  Back at the hotel a deluge of puss-ridden zombies attack.  The gore and disembowelments will turn many of the babes into hamburger.  The zombies seem to be infinite and are everywhere.  One by one, the babes and soldiers fall prey.  Now Nancy (Ulli Reinthaler), Patricia, and a couple of soldiers are on the run.  Bad news...the military is ordered to murder all the zombies and survivors.  No one in the containment area is to be left alive.  Here's a warning, there will be a scene when a zombie baby explodes out of its mom's tummy and eats the face of a good intentioned babe.  Perhaps a metaphor for America's response to the nonsense that was C***d 19.

Will anyone survive the zombie hordes or the soldiers in containment suits?  Will any of the babes make it to the final credits with their beauty or faces intact?  Will the containment area spread to the rest of the planet?  This is a prophetic film that one can insert many of today's villains (Fauci, Milley, and the CDC ).  For some great Italian gore, Fulci style, see "Zombie 3."      

Snake Hotel, Monster Snakes Eat Babes

Again we have a good one from our buddies at Jagged Edge Productions.  This one is filled with babe convicts trying to survive an onslaught of 50 foot vipers.  Perhaps this is justified as Eve is the one who ate the apple.  I know, you divorced guys are coming up with different justifications for big reptiles eating the fairer sex. Oh yes...also in this is the sultry Chrissie Wunna as a femme-fatale snake woman.  Let us take a look at 2023's "Snake Hotel," directed by Charles Solly.

Mia (Kelly Rian Sanson) and her sister Linda (Natasha Tosini) are two blonde babes doing life for murdering their abusive stepdad.  Bummer.  Faye (Danielle Scott) is a sultry blonde who deserves her life sentence.  This babe is a complete psycho bent on murdering Mia.  Miss Fang (Wunna) buys these three and three others from the prison and brings them to her mansion, 100 miles from any town. Miss Fang has a government contract to engineer perfect killing machines, probably for war.  Hence her 50-foot snakes are programmed with chips in their heads to eat "whores" (or convict girls). The gals are told if they survive the night they will win their freedom...alas, our sultry Miss Fang doesn't really mean that.

The snakes love eating babes. Perhaps this is a metaphor for something biblical, or political.  You divorced guys can help me out with that.  The babes are now on the run inside the hotel (mansion) and outside on the grounds.  Linda and Mia are trying to keep one another alive.  Uh oh...Faye is all psycho and she has a blade.  Faye is not interested in the snakes but desires to slit Mia's throat. Now the gals may have to fear psycho-Faye more than the slithery beasts. A lot of blood will ensue as the babes prove to be incapable of avoiding the snakes.  Still, Linda who watched out for Mia in the joint is also determined to keep her sister alive in the 'snake hotel.'

Will Faye and her razor be able to drain Mia of blood before the serpents get either one of them?  What is Miss Fang's story, and does she plan to save any of these gals for her own purposes?  Did Miss Fang get the government contract in the government's "women owned businesses" initiative in their procurement guidelines.  As British PMs have trouble keeping their jobs and staying free of scandal, Miss Fang may just be able to get rid of Rishi Sunak. For some giant snake horror and a lot of cheese, see "Snake Hotel." 

Halloween Girl...Book Two: The Reckoning, A Comic Book Review

This is the third Richard T. Wilson "Halloween Girl" comic I have blogged about. As Halloween nears, the creative nature in all of us is tickled, and Mr. Wilson has given us a spooky story that will stroke our creative juices in this ghostly time of year.  Today we return to the beautiful Charlotte, taken from life too early.  Mr. Wilson's Charlotte finds herself in a weird state between life and death.  In the past she has dealt with spider monsters, and malevolent ghosts.  Now Charlotte has a task to do.  She won't be coming back to life but the world of the living is keeping some sordid secrets that won't allow her to rest.  Charlotte is a sultry high school gal, or was, and now is a sultry ghost with issues.  Today we look at Mr. Wilson's "Halloween Girl,  Book Two: The Reckoning."

Our beautiful ghost traipses through the graveyard in which she is interred.  Nothing about Charlotte is happenstance.  She meets a young boy, Luke.  Luke is timid and bullied and a little bit different than most ten year old boys.  He can see dead people, or more specifically, he can see Charlotte.  Charlotte and Luke hit it off.  They talk friends, candy, and graveyard stuff.  Luke senses Charlotte cares for him and he develops an intense need to see her and get to know her even more.  Alas, Charlotte's existence is not a total secret.  When Luke returns home his mother, Marie, is frightened to learn about her son's new buddy.

Marie leads a tortured existence, though we don't know why.  She seems like a prisoner in their out of the way and gloomy abode.  Like Charlotte, Marie has secrets.  The secrets she has are toxic and threaten her relationship with Luke.  No spoilers here but this may be Mr. Wilson's darkest "Halloween Girl" book yet.  No spider monsters but dread and haunts permeate the entire work.  The artwork suggests this.  It also suggests a dichotomy of Charlotte's nature.  Is she benevolent or malevolent?  You will decide.  But!  She's a babe...so most of us will choose to come down on her side especially in the shocking final reveal.

Why is Charlotte so attached to Luke?  What secrets does Marie hold and why is she choosing to live in seclusion with her son?  Are there any hunk ghosts in the netherworld that may be able to court Charlotte?  Spooky, ominous, and incredibly Halloween in spirit, Mr. Wilson gives us a fantastic comic with a babe ghost you will develop quite a crush on.  Read "Halloween Girl...Book Two: The Reckoning" this Halloween.       

Island of the Living Dead, A Bruno Mattei Spectacular

Yvonne Yzon!  Filipina/Chinese/Spanish actress, model and dancer...major league babe.  She'll star in our film today which is quite possibly her magnum opus.  She'll wear a tight blouse, some nice shorts, sweat a lot, wield a shotgun and stakes, and fend off zombies and vampires.  I bet Meryl Streep never did anything remotely similar. Today we look at Bruno Mattei's 2007 epic, "Island of the Living Dead."  Filmed in The Philippines and featuring a cast of hundreds of zombies and vampires...and Yvette Yzon.

In 1688 a Spanish Galleon hit rocks and washed up on a mysterious island.  The Spaniards are all eaten by zombies and vampires but leave a treasure of gold and jewels.  Present day, Captain Kirk (Gaetano Russo) leads a bunch of treasure hunters on a voyage to find gold at the bottom of the Pacific.  A fog bank causes his ship to hit rocks and now his crew are castaways on this same island, which is uncharted.  Sharon (Yzon) is our favorite castaway.  She sweats a lot and wears her tight get up nicely.  Victoria (Ydalia Suarez) is also a babe and yells a lot.  Fred (Alvin Anson) is a hunk and may have an interest in Sharon...who wouldn't?'  There are a few more...brutes who also sweat a lot. The team finds ruins of an old fort and decide to seek refuge inside.  Bad idea.

The zombies appear first and there are thousands of them.  The gals will scream a lot and the guys will come up with plans that get them all separated inside the castle.  A lot of treasure chests are found, all guarded by weird vampires of Spanish descent.  Now the vampires lust for Sharon and Victoria and the guys will have to fight them off, and the zombies.  Maggot infested wine will be ingested. Flesh will be eaten off some of the castaways.  Grim Reapers will make moves on Sharon.  Captain Kirk will meet the ghost of the captain of the Spanish Galleon that wrecked in 1688.  None of this bodes well for Sharon or the others.  Bad decisions will cause the survivors to keep getting separated and hunted by vampires and zombies.  Finally Sharon and hunk Mark (Gary King Roberts) come up with a plan.  Not a good one...but one that will lead to much gore.

Will the sweaty Sharon and Victoria get into a catfight?  Will Captain Kirk have Scottie beam them all up?  Will the vampires or zombies end up with the babes?  Gory to the max!  There are creepy ghosts, zombies, or vampires in just about every scene.  Bruno Mattei opens the flood gates on these ghoulish creatures and even the beautiful may fall to them.  For some great zombie fare, in the style of Lucio Fulci's "Zombie," see "Island of the Living Dead."

The Tank, Man's Feeble Attempt to get to Mars

Despite those YouTube videos you have seen about man reaching Mars.  You know, the ones that tell you how we will terraform the red planet and make it into broccoli and cabbage farms. Well...total fiction.  We are not going to get to Mars.  Our kids are not getting to Mars. Our grandkids are not getting to Mars.  If you haven't noticed, man is getting stupider as a species as the days progress.  Oh...Elon Musk isn't getting to Mars.  Here's the dirty little secret...NASA, Elon Musk, and any other space agency knows we're not getting to Mars.  This doesn't mean large defense contractors won't get rich selling and creating technology to sell to the government that supposedly will get us to Mars.  Hence our feature today, 2017's "The Tank," directed by Kellie Madison.

Government contractors build a big tank.  The thing is as big as a big submarine.  It is placed in Antarctica and a crew of six flawed scientists are put on board.  They will be left there for 417 days, the length of time it would take to get to Mars.  The purpose is to simulate human reaction to a flight to Mars.  The experiment will be an epic failure. No spoilers here...the film starts out with these encouraging words. Will (Jack Davenport) is the milquetoast captain...he did not pass his psyche-eval. Sure, either did Biden. The two space-babe wannabes are Nelly (Anna Lise Phillips),the doctor, and Julie (Marguerite Moreau (Julie Meyers) the geologist.  The guys are all nutcases; Thom (Christopher Redman), the peeping Tom sex pervert, Dane (Brad William Henke), the U.S. Marine, and Luke (Erik King), the religious fanatic.

After a smooth first five minutes, cracks in everyone's psyche appear. Someone steals the chocolate...really!  Passionate sex!  Fist fights!  Murder!  Not good.  Oh yes...the blizzard.  Remember the tank is in Antarctica.  Will, the guy who never passed his psyche-eval, is sensing failure.  So is his crew.  Then the bloody carnage begins.  Apparently this film is based on true events.  The events that unfold before us on the silver screen are believable.  In a day where NASA has done its best to bore us and make us believe that money spent on space exploration is a waste, failure seems inevitable for a manned Mars mission.

Will there be a catfight between the space-babe wannabes over the semi-hunks in this tank?  Just who is going to go all Norman Bates on the rest of the crew?  Does Will have a shot at any of the medals that General Milley earned for losing so many wars?  This is a grim one...but probably a good assessment of the U.S. efforts, or so-called efforts, to reach the red planet.  See "The Tank" and then demand NASA has its funding cut. 

  

R BnB, When Psychos Run the Joint

Wow...what an ending!  I mean, the ending was good enough and then...well, you'll see. I'm not a psychologist but I did stay at an Holiday Inn Express...and so I know not to stay at B&Bs run by the mentally unstable.  Of course, much of America is run by "the unstable." Still, give me a free continental breakfast and 1,000 points just for staying.  If Norman Bates did not teach you that, well, take a look at Robert Mann's "R BnB," which can boast of a terrific cast, and true horror.

The 28 year old Mia (Bryanna McQueeney) is quite the babe! A year ago she married the much older Ryan (Ryon Thomas).  He may be quite a bit older but he still has some hunkiness to him...though gray hunkiness at that. Ryan's sister, Jennifer (Gloria Mann) is not happy her brother married a much younger woman.  In her mind, Mia is merely out for Ryan's money.  The tension between Jennifer and Mia is thick.  Now Ryan, who is having health problems, and Mia head to a romantic getaway at a country B&B.  They arrive and are met by the quirky owners, Aubree (Savannah Whitten) and Kylo (Alex Galick).  She's a babe and he's a hunk...both exude mental instability.  Oh yeah...Ryan and Mia love having sex...on the car, in the woods, in their room, and probably in many other places.

Creepiness begins right away.  Kylo and Aubree appear to be doting on Mia and Ryan.  Why?  Kylo seems to embody carnal viciousness.  Maybe its the crossbow he wields.  Aubree seems attracted to Mia...in a special way.  By the time Mia and Ryan sense what we are already sensing...well, the excrement has already hit the fan.  Now Mia and Ryan are prey for these two lunatics.  Aubree has an erotic desire to get into Mia's pants...but her desire is for much more.  Kylo grabs his crossbow and sets his sights on Ryan.  What happens next is shocking.  Then what happens after that is uber-shocking. Oh!  Remember Ryan's sister?  Well she looks like she's training for the zombie apocalypse...and this may cause difficulties for all involved.  You'll see.

Just what do Aubree and Kylo want with Mia and Ryan?  Exactly who does Jennifer figure on taking out her wrath on?  Are there some good catfights brewing here?  The acting is terrific.  The twists are taboo and shocking.  Ms. McQueeney is quite the damsel in distress...or is she? See "R BnB" and cash in your Marriott points instead of booking at a quaint B&B.  Really.  This could have been a standard but satisfying horror film. Fortunately Mr. Mann went above and beyond and has given us a terrifying shocker with imagery that will haunt you way after Halloween has passed.    

Garden of the Dead, Zombie Lifers

We know nothing about Susan Charney...except her cleavage soothes the savage beast...or zombie.  You have to give her credit...in a movie about sweaty guys in a southern prison farm, she graces the screen in a pink negligee that flatters her cleavage.  There will be grunting brute lifers, a lot of sweat, digging, pick-axes, and zombies...oh yeah, a sultry big breasted babe in a pink negligee.  Yes!!!  Today we look at 1972's "Garden of the Dead," which probably graced the drive-ins, directed by John Hayes. 

Okay, a sadistic warden (Philip Kenneally) brutally presides over a prison farm.  The mostly equally sadistic inmates do things like dig and move big rocks.  To help their life sentences go faster, the prisoners sniff formaldehyde (embalming fluid). I guess they all picked the wrong week to stop sniffing trat stuff. There is a good soul of an inmate, Paul (Mayland Proctor). His hot waitress GF, Carol (Charney) drives to the prison fence and she and Paul gawk at one another.  One day a kind guard, McGee (Lee Frost), allows him to step outside the fence so he can suck face with Carol for one minute.  All the other prisoners watching get hard-ons and now all fantasize about raping Carol.  We're not sure if this excites Carol, but she seems pretty devoted to Paul.

Okay, during a prison break, the warden and the guards get in a shootout with six escaping convicts and kill them.  The poor souls, all were addicted to sniffing embalming fluid, are buried in shallow graves.  The prisoners get up out of their shallow graves, grab pick-axes and shovels, and go on a murderous rampage aimed at the living.  The ghouls go by an RV in which Carol is in bed in her pink negligee, kill the owners of the RV, and now Carol is on the run...in her cleavage flattering pink negligee.  Carol runs to the prison farm, is allowed in, and now the ghouls are close behind.  The ghouls attack the yard...kill a lot of prisoners and guards, and demand Carol be given to them, with her cleavage flattering pink negligee, or they will continue their spree.  Now the remaining inmates, guards, and Carol with her impressive cleavage must work together and plot how they will survive and fight back.

Will Carol, in her cleavage flattering pink negligee, become the plaything of undead lifers?  Does Paul stand a chance to resume his love affair with Carol as the drooling ghouls lay claim to her?  If embalming fluid brings the dead back to life...well...okay, never mind.  This is a fun drive-in type film with a great performance by Ms. Charney as the nubile dame in much peril.  For some good 'undead' horror, see "Garden of the Dead."  

Pillow Party Massacre, Babes Misbehaving and Gutted

All women are caddy psychos!  All men are useless!  Throw the two together and we have a neat slasher film with great gore.  Oh yes...there will be a gratuitous pillow fight that includes scantily clad babes.  Gritty reality at its best.  What do nubile college chicks do when they're alone together?  Pillow fights in undies and jammies of course.  Oh yes...there will be a slasher with a big machete nearby.  For what America has become, use this film as a metaphor.  A land of pillow fights, men being stupid, and babes being psycho.  Makes you cheer for the knife wielding deviants out there.  Today we look at 2023's "Pillow Party Massacre," directed by Calvin Morie McCarthy.

This didn't go well.  Pranks at high school dances rarely do.  Ashley (Savannah Raye Jones), quite the babe leaves her five buddies to go make out with her boyfriend in a restroom.  Carter (Sebastian Bjorn) gets Ashley to strip naked...then FLASH!!!  Her buddies swing open the stall door and Ashley sees it is now all on video.  Driven mad with humiliation, Ashley puts a bullet in Carter's head and is delivered to a mental asylum for the criminally insane.  Two years later, the gals are coeds and back home for a funeral. Sam (Laura Welsh) is guilt ridden about the incident but hesitantly agrees to meet her babe buddies at a lake cabin in the woods for a reunion weekend.  Right...see what's coming?

The gals are all babes.  Mikki (Nicolette Pullen) will be knifed before anyone else gets there.  She was dancing and pulling off her top when the masked killer got her. Now Sam, Barbra (Chynna Rae Shurts), Alana (Jax Kellington), and Miles (Allegra Sweeney) arrive.  They'll sunbathe, have pillow fights, play Truth or Dare, and start talking about their guilt for what they did to Ashley. Oh yes...Alana's bikini...simply fascinating, and very skimpy. Uh oh...reports on the radio suggest someone has just escaped from the mental asylum.  Of course some boyfriends show up...they'll be gutted.  Park rangers will look out for the gals...they'll be gutted.  Now the killer converges on the four surviving babes.  Not all will remain pretty, I'm afraid.

Did Ashley escape from the asylum to murder her former friends who humiliated her two years ago?  Is that too easy, and is the killer one of the babes in the cabin?  If these women had real men as boyfriends instead of clueless dweebs, would we be having this discussion?  This is a goody and pays nice homage to those 1980s slasher films.  Standard, maybe, but a great looking cast and some really gory kills make "Pillow Party Massacre" a worthwhile take on movienight.

Requiem for a Scream, The High Note of Murder

A Tubi original...and a good one!  Always a pleasure to see Cassie Scerbo in horror films, and you will love her in this one.  A lot of this plot is out of those classic 80's slasher films.  An out of the way cabin in the woods.  A babe bringing hunk and babe friends to spend the week-end. A nail gun and bear traps. A psycho killer with no relation to sanity.  The gore will be gut busting and the kills will be vicious and heartbreaking.  Today we look at 2022's "Requiem for a Scream," directed by Ben Meyerson. 

The sultry Taylor Kalupa is a beautiful actress.  Sadly, she'll die quite horribly in the opening scene.  In that scene, a psycho (Michael X. Sommers) with a mask has her bound to a chair and is recording her hitting high notes.  The fiend is recording the scream and using screams of his murder victims to create a symphony. I know, this is probably a similar method that Taylor Swift uses to create her so-called music. Okay, to memorialize her dead sister, Art (Scerbo) invites her and her sister's buddies to a cabin in the wilderness for a weekend.  Art's bestie, Shira (Georgia Leva) is an aspiring comic book writer, travels there with Art.  Also there are Shira's old BF, and Art's potential new BF, Declan (Zachry Roozen).  If you ask me, ole Declan needs an additional dose of manhood...but that's just me, Art seems infatuated with him.

There are a couple of others.  Sadly, Shira, who was my favorite, will get in an argument while the group does karaoke.  She'll storm out and have her throat cut.  The killer has converged on this cabin. But why?  He wants something and it is inside the house...you'll see.  Art and her guests are terrified, especially since Shira is laying in the living room, with her throat cut, assuming room temperature. The killer will strike again and again, but seems to have some attachment to Art.  Art realizes she has to do something to save her and her surviving friends.  A nail gun, a big dagger, an ice pick, bear traps, and a flare gun will all have some part to play in the bloody and vicious final half of this film.

Will Art and any of her friends survive this film?  Why is this killer interested in Art and this cabin?  Are the screeching screams recorded by the killer taken off Taylor Swift albums?  For a terrific slasher film with heartbreaking kills, and a nice ending, see "Requiem for a Scream."  

Zone Drifter, A Psychedelic Post-Apocalyptic Epic

There won't be a whole lot of love for this film. We have brutes that grunt, no babes we'd be interested in, mutants created by radiation, and a post-apocalyptic America that is a war zone.  Still...something about 2021's "Zone Drifter" is appealing.  There will be a lot of post-apocalyptic war scenes in burnt out cities and in the desert.  Corpses will litter so many landscapes.  Best of all...you can watch this and have a hallucinogenic experience without taking illegal drugs.  Directed by Charles Conkin, "Zone Drifter" will either ruin your day or freak you out.

The world as we know it is gone.  America is filled with warring factions bent on murdering everyone.  Travis (Aaron Jude) is sad...his wife was raped and murdered, his baby was shot...and he was left for dead when war came.  Now he deserts to look for the murderers of his family.  His brother, Merle (Conkin) is furious at his brother.  Now Merle is on a trek with a company of soldiers to find something in the desert. Soon, Travis finds out Merle was responsible for the murder of his family.  Hence, Travis now hunts Merle.  This brings Travis into the desert.  Mutants, cannibals, burnt out cities, and enemy soldiers all await him.  After some very mystical experiences, Travis realizes what Merle knows...something exists in the desert.  Something of great power. 

Travis makes friends along the way.  The post-apocalyptic version of the cat-lady (Kaitie Peters) globs onto him.  Travis is grouchy and grunts a lot, but in post-apocalyptic America...can't be fussy. He'll make a couple more friends.  Soon, Travis is closing in on his brother.  They are also getting close to some mystical and psychedelic power in the desert.  Merle wants to possess it.  Travis wants to murder Merle. The post-apocalyptic landscapes in this film are its strength...and they are brutal.  Still...in a weird way, our film has a spaghetti western feel to it.

What is the force in the desert that Merle so wants to possess?  In post-apocalyptic America, is a cat-lady equivalent to a super model?  Is their any hope that Merle and Travis can bury the hatchet in something other than one another's skulls?  Weird, no doubt...but interesting.  For something different, catch "Zone Drifter" as you binge watch post-apocalyptic scifi films.    

Unnatural, Monster Bear Eats a Bikini Photo Shoot

A frozen lake in Alaska for a bikini photo shoot?  What could go wrong.  You'll see.  Oh yes...Sherilyn Fenn from "Twin Peaks" as a mad scientist? Sure...after all, look who our so-called "president" is.  In the style of 1979's "Prophecy," only with a better looking cast, we have 2015's "Unnatural." A wilderness horror film complete with a big genetically created monster, bear traps, bikini babes in much peril, and gore.  Put on your parka and make sure the generator is filled with gas, and let us look at a neat creature feature type film directed by Hank Braxton.

At a secret research lab, contracted by our government, mad scientists have genetically altered a bear and now it is a monster.  Of course, it gets loose and eats two mad scientists as a third, Hanna (Fenn) escapes. Meanwhile, obnoxious photographer Brooking (Ron Carlson) arrives by plane at the Black Rabbit Lodge in Alaska's wilderness.  With him are two bikini models, Quincy (Allegra Carpenter) and Ella (Ivana Korab). Don't get too attached to these two babes.  The lodge is run by Martin (James Remar) who is aware of the reputation of the so-called research facility.  He has a very lovely cook, Lily (Q'orianka Kilcher)...we like her a lot.

Carnage ensues. Brooking brings his models to a frozen lake for the shoot.  Their bikinis are terrific but Ella will be eaten by the monster bear. Nate (Gregory Cruz), Martin's trusty assistant, will also be eaten.  Now the monster has homed in on a food source and terrorizes the lodge.  Hanna makes it to the lodge but won't be much help.  It is her experiment, and that is where her loyalties reside.  With more babes in the cabin, including Lily...who we really like, James tries to find a way to defend against the thing.  Brooking is a coward and a very shallow pervert...he'll be of no help.  With no help coming, all out war ensues.  The beautiful will die horribly and Hanna will emerge as quite the villain.

Will any of the bikini babes survive?  Okay, stupid question.  Is Lily too good to die horribly?  Will James be able to kill the monster bear...and Hanna?  This is an enjoyable and standard creature feature film.  As the winter nears, enjoy a cold weather horror film and put on "Unnatural."

Dinosaur Prison, Three Babes vs. Dinosaurs

Warning...this is a weird one.  Okay, figure this is sort of like "Jurassic Park" without the annoying kids.  Instead of a too serious scientist and a pouty blonde, we have three commando babes in tight black jumpsuits, in much peril.  Perhaps we might call this one the "Brubaker" of the new millennium.  Dinosaurs galore, I assure you...and babes in tight black jumpsuits...wait, I already mentioned that.  Today we look at one from our buddies at Jagged Edge Productions, 2023's "Dinosaur Prison," directed by Tyler James.

The three aforementioned babes?  Beth (Maria Taylor) is the leader of the trio of animal rights activists.  Sultry blondes, Liana (Ella Starbuck) and Sarah (Lauren Staerck) are her gals.  The trio believes that illegal animal experimentation is taking place at this super secret facility that used to be a prison.  They break into the prison thinking they are going to free monkeys or mice.  Instead, the babes find dinosaurs locked in the cells.  Liana chickens out and tries to leave.  Poor Liana, she'll then be eaten by a really big monster.  Alas, something has gone wrong and the creatures have all been let out of their cells.  Beth and Sarah are captured by sadistic prison guard, Cpt. Hill (Rob Kirtley).  He'll have to leave the gals when he finds out his men are being eaten by dinosaurs.  Enter mad scientist, Dr. Jahns (Marcus Massey).

Jahns looks like Willy Wonka with a hangover.  He convinces Sarah and Beth that he is on their side...but is he?  Sarah, Beth, and Jahns now appear to be trying to get out of this prison.  More guards are eaten and the trio is now hunted by all sorts of creatures.  An elite military SWAT team is dropped in.  This leads to the most amazing three minutes ever put in a dinosaur film.  One of the commandos has the Excalibur sword and he goes to battle with an invisible dinosaur.  Pure poetry is what happens next. Now Cpt. Hills and dinosaurs, including raptors and a T-Rex are after the two babes and the Willy Wonka guy.  No spoilers here, but what follows is weird, and vicious.

Will Sarah and Beth survive until the end credits?  Is Dr. Jahns really an ally of our two surviving babe commandos?  Will the elite SWAT team be able to stop the horde of monsters from busting out of the prison?  Ms. Starbuck, Ms. Staerck, and Ms. Taylor are stunning and look really great running from danger in their black get-ups.  Mr. Massey is quirky and weird as a weird and quirky mad scientist.  This is a fun one.  Enjoy a creature feature tonight and watch the dinosaur epic "Dinosaur Prison."      

That's a Wrap, Slasher Shreds a Cast

Pay close attention to the dialogue in the second half of this film between Sarah French and Monique Parent...two sultry babes, all dolled up.  Within those exchanges may be the essence of what this film is. Sure, it may be the best slasher film of the 21st century.  Sure, the talent will be a veritable buffet of cheesecake and beefcake.  Sure, its a great homage to Giallo and some great American horror.  Sure, a gorefest that will drive the squeamish out of the theater.  I suspect, thanks to the characters of Ms. French and Ms. Parent this film is a warning to aspiring talent.  Beware, you young ones in the industry of what exactly you are getting yourselves into.  A bit of "Sunset Boulevard" is also put forth in a very erotic horror film, 2023's "That's a Wrap," directed by Marcel Walz.

Cerina Vincent!  It is always so great to see her.  Who can forget her epic catfight with the former Raiderette in that Bigfoot movie? Alas, she fared better in that catfight than she would in the opening scene of this one.  Stabbed a million times whiled all dolled up. Sad.  She will be the only cast member to miss the wrap party of Mason's (Robert Donovan) slasher film. Mason, the director, hosts the party.  A sultry and beefy cast sporting grunts (guys), and cleavage and stilettos (gals). Oh, Molly (Eve Marlowe), she'll give us a gratuitous shower scene, one of the best ever...then it turns into a "Psycho" shower scene. The cast seems to get a long well...but they are actors.  Just behind their civil veneers, we detect predators, ready to stab in the back.

Lily (Parent) is an aging babe trying to hold onto her director husband. She looks marvelous and can obviously teach the younger talent a thing or two. The youngsters...they're into sex, drugs, alcohol, and gratuitous egos.  Lana (Sarah Polednak) seems like a good sort, but its always the good ones who end up being...well, you'll see. Amber (Gigi Gustin) is a babe/slut and we cheer for her to survive...stupid us. Harper (French)!  Babe and a half...and one of this blog's favorites. She is the final girl in Mason's film...but will she be one here?  One by one, the killer in Mason's film murders hunks and babes alike...in such gory ways.  Even more important than who the killer is, is some horrific wisdom gleaned from Lily and Harper.

Paying homage to some of our favorite films, "That's a Wrap" is a must see.  The glamour of the actresses in this film is off the scale and the guys will be pleasing to you babes reading this. In addition to being a vicious commentary, "That's a Wrap" is so much fun.  It'll throw an enormous body count at you and sadly, ruin many a terrific cleavage buff. For some extreme fun and scares, and pertinent instruction to young actors and actresses, see "That's a Wrap."   

Bloodthirst, A Post-Apocalyptic Vampire War

A post-apocalyptic horror tale?  Even better...a world run by vampires.  But wait!  There's more! A Van Helsing type vampire hunter with a crossbow...two babe vampire hunters with denim  short shorts (think Amy and Sally the Farmer's Daughters from GLOW)...and then, Tara Reid as the Vampire Queen!  Sonny and Michael Mahal give us 2023's "Bloodthirst," directed by Michael Su.  This is gritty, gory, and epic...but most of all it is a wild horror tale that has something for everyone...except for the squeamish.

Vampire Master (Robert LaSardo) and his minions terrorize the landscape.  Him and his vampires either kill for blood or turn humans into their kind.  Vampire Queen (Reid) and Vampire Master are getting ready to rule the world.  Uh oh...enter a vampire hunter, a man of the cloth, John (Costas Mandylor).  He'll put a ragtag group of surviving humans together to engage in a final battle (okay, maybe not final) against the Master and the Queen.  Joining him is thief Charlie (Johnny Huang), Rico the biker (Rich R. Rendon), and Brooke (Sarah French) and Elena (Elissa Dowling) in their short shorts and cleavage.  What a crew! This won't come as a surprise, John and his gang's biggest enemy may be a human psycho-militia into higher taxes.  Enter Torque (Bishop Stevens) and his psychos.

Vampire Master knows John is on his way.  John will be a problem and Master is worried.  You'll see, but Master's big concern delves into the question of 'said faith' versus 'true faith.'  John has some nice crucifix arrows for his crossbow...and now he has the two babes in their short shorts.  Did I mention the short shorts?  Sarah and Elissa have lost a lot and have attitude.  Still, the vampires are smart and vicious.  The motley gang of human survivors must deal with a conniving militia, and being outnumbered.  Fear not...any man of the cloth with a crossbow with crucifix arrows is bad a**.

Do our two blonde vampire hunting babes, the ones with the denim short shorts, have what it takes to take down Vampire Master's minions?  One wonders if they could battle Kate Beckinsale's Selena...wouldn't we love to see that catfight?!  Okay, back to our film.  Is John's faith strong enough to take on the most evil of evil vampires?  Is there any way John might be able to end up with Tara Reid?  Maybe he could turn her back.  The cast is epic and the plot is wild.  This is a roller-coaster of a post-apocalyptic horror film with some great cheese and crossbow action.  This Halloween, make sure you see "Bloodthirst."  This film will be available starting Halloween.   

Zombie Killers: Elephant Graveyard, If Romero Wrote Peyton Place

In 2015 the zombie subgenre had not yet ran out of steam.  Oddly, a very imaginative and epic zombie film sneaked in with not much notice.  A terrific cast, millions of zombies, just the right amount of social commentary, and even enough cheese and beef for pimply faced teens to grab onto. With 'Peyton Place' type drama, a warning to be cautious with our innovation, and zombie fish as a sub-plot, 2015's "Zombie Killer: Elephant Graveyard," directed by B. Harrison Smith is our feature today. 

The zombie apocalypse has occurred. Doc (Brian Anthony) is holding his makeshift town, Ellwood, together. Because of the zombie outbreak, at times he must be cruel...for the greater good of the uninfected, I suppose. You get infected...you get evicted or...well, you'll see. Seiler (Billy Zane) heads a group of youngsters charged with zombie killing. They go on scouting missions to try to thin out the zombie herds. Back at the home front, Toni (Mischa Barton) is 8 months pregnant and her baby may be infected. Oh yes, a young zombie killer, Ian (Michael Kean) is engaging in pre-marital sex with a dame out of his league, Nikki (Gabrielle Stone)...while his mom (Dee Wallace) is dying in the next room.

Uh oh...Rory (Brian Gallagher) believes he knows what caused the virus.  He takes Seiler, Ian, and a couple more to the fracking mine to confirm.  There he confirms his theory and the team meet a thousand zombies.  Even worse...his discovery grows into something far more horrific than a zombie apocalypse.  When an apocalypse is in fact something a little more than a mere apocalypse, it is time to worry.  Now weirdness, apart from zombies, creeps into the plot. Zombie bucks and zombie fish are omens of a far more sinister fate than what is at hand.  Doc is given the ominous task of making sense out of Rory's discovery.  Now we have a horror story! Oh! Remember the aforementioned thousand zombies? Ha!  That's the tip of the iceberg.  No spoilers here...but suffice to say, the word apocalypse may be too easy of a term to throw out.  What is looming is something of biblical (figurative) proportion.

Is Toni's baby infected?  Just what did Rory discover at the fracking site?  Would Ian have been able to land a babe like Nikki in a normal world?  Ambitious and epic at times, the entirety of this film poses a very important question.  However new, shiny, and perfect the perceived answers to our problems may seem...shouldn't we be cautious and err on the side of...well...err on the side of not f***ing thing up!? See "Zombie Killers: Elephant Graveyard" today and avoid thinking you're watching a zombie apocalypse film.    

Van Helsing, Monster Hunter Saves the Universe

No!  Not the one with Kate Beckinsale.  Every time I do a movie called "Van Helsing," you guys seem to want the Kate Beckinsale one.  Where is she anyway?  Anybody know?  Seems to have dropped off the face of the Earth. Anyway, this is the BC Fourteen "Van Helsing."  Kate won't be in this one...but if you're real good...you just might see Bigfoot.  Today we look at this ultra-modern work of animation...2023's "Van Helsing." 

As our film begins Jack Van Helsing (Ernesto Galan) is still on Earth.  The apocalypse has occurred.  Nuclear and biological weapons have murdered the planet.  Jack and a few survivors must scavenge for food.  Alas, mutants, zombies, and monsters kill most of the survivors and Jack escapes in a rocket ship and heads to the moon.  There he grows plants for a colony of fellow human survivors lead by Lilith (Jennifer Fourteen).  The two obviously have sexual tension between them.  Then horror, Xterminator (Edson Camacho), a terminator like AI monster, attacks and wipes out everyone. The sultry Lilith is taken prisoner and Jack is the only one who escapes. 

With Jack on the run and Lilith the prisoner of a psycho machine, Xterminator plans a final sweep to rid the universe of all human survivors.  Also adopting this quest is a cast-off earthling, Thanatos (Bob Reiff). This ghoulish figure is now King of the Zombies with a horde of the undead at his service.  Now Xterminator, Thanatos, and another god-like threat, Anubis (also Bob Reiff) are threatened by one another as to who will actually assume lordship over the entire universe.  Jack will not only scavenge for food and fuel, but also for allies.  He needs to do what his grandfather did...slay the monsters in order to save mankind.  

Can Van Helsing save the beautiful Lilith from the clutches of the machines?  Can Earth make a rebound and grow out of the burning embers of their ruins?  Given this is a BC Fourteen film, can we expect Bigfoot to trample in and save the day?  The images of a post-apocalyptic Earth are haunting and should be seen as a warning to where we all may be headed.  For something a little (okay, a lot) different, with a lot of monsters...see "Van Helsing."