Bikini Nuns, The Church's Answer to Charlie's Angels

Chrissie Wunna just turned in her Magnum Opus in "Crocs!" How does she follow that up?  Well, with a role that that was made for her.  Made by the Lutherans (not really), we have an ages old tale of nuns with great big...smiles...who seduce and murder.  Yeah, there is a plot.  A plot that seems to interfere with this movie's desire to...well...add to that offering plate.  Big...smiles...will abound, and seduction will be squirted like rancid holy water!  Our feature today is "Bikini Nuns," directed by Sushank Kini.

Okay, back in 1992 there was an orphanage massacre that wiped out so many children.  Three little girls survived and became nuns.  They are grown up and fully...inspired.  Now nuns, Mary (Wunna) and her great big...ambition, leads the trio.  There is also the vixen Sarah (Anna Rakhvalova), and the Kate Jackson of the group, Eva (Clara Legallais-Moha).  Under the guidance of the weird priest, Father Grey (Christopher Kouros), the trio go out and search for all responsible for that massacre.  Once found, the babes...er, nuns, will seduce them and shoot them.  In habits, but never for long, the gals grab machineguns, pistols, and other deadly weapons and set out for vengeance.  Now, this is all about a third of the story.  Most of the story is our three babes...sisters, most notably Mary, looking at themselves in the mirror, feeling themselves up, giving themselves tender cleavage buffs, applying cosmetics, and admiring their naked selves.

Now, the hussies...er, sisters, give us quite an exhibition of shiny and supportive undergarments.  Their b..., er smiles, are always highlighted.  Their actions are always similar.  Throw on a habit, much to their annoyance...find the bad guy...seduce him...peel off the habit...pull a gun....demand answers to questions... and then murder the bloke way before he has a chance to answer questions.  They then return to the convent, strip out of the habit, feel themselves up, apply more tender cleavage buffs, and admire themselves in the mirror.  Then do it all again.  The bras are all shiny and garters are prevalent.  Okay, back to a deeper message.  The gals get more violent and further away from innocence with each killing. 

Biting reality from a story ripped right out of the headlines, this film captures a story that demanded to be told.  Will there be a catfight between the vicious nuns?  Will there be a shower scene that includes these ladies?  Will there be one of those nuns undercover in a strip joint scene?  With an almost identical plot to the Anthony Hopkins movie "Shadowlands," "Bikini Nuns" has more cheese and prurience.  After all, who do you want to see in a movie, Chrissie Wunna or Debra Winger? 

  

Schizo, Euro-Babes in Peril

This one is almost Giallo, though made in England and not Italy. Still we have Euro-Babes doing naughty things and in great peril. In fairness, it might be other Euro-Babes that are the cause of the peril...might. Big knives, throats slit, needles through heads, impalements, more big knives, and a lot of blood. There will be screaming and hunks that never really know what is going on...typical men.  Our feature today is 1976's "Schizo," directed by Pete Walker.

Sam (Lynne Frederick) is a 21-year-old figure skater...quite a dish. Here's a clue...not her fiancé Alan (John Layton) or bestie Beth (Stephanie Beacham) know much about her. Nevertheless, Sam is a babe and Alan marries her. Okay, so this is the backstory that we are given. When Sam was six, she heard William (Jack Watson) upstairs banging her mom. Sam wandered up there and saw this strange guy stabbing her mom to death. 15 years later, Sam is marrying Alan and Jack is paroled and now stalks Sam...with a knife. Jack stalks and terrorizes Sam, or so that is what we see. He'll do this at the wedding, and Sam does not want to tell anyone about it. Sam goes to her bestie's BF Leonard (John Fraser) and tells him. Leonard is a psychiatrist and notices something odd about Sam...he'll be stabbed in the back of the head soon after.

Now Sam insists this William is back and terrorizing her.  Finally Alan and Beth know about her past.  William gets bolder even sneaking into Sam and Alan's house.  Now it gets weirder as Sam goes to visit a psychic club and what happens there is really creepy.  It'll get creepy for the psychic as she will be bludgeoned to death after the seance. Bodies are piling up and Sam is screaming more and yelling at everyone that William has come back to murder her. See where this is going?  Where this is going will be very twisted and sordid...and quite bloody.  Sam gets to be annoying but we do like the perky Beth, probably because she is so pretty and not nearly as annoying and narcissistic as Sam.

Is William the killer?  What did happen to Sam's mom 15 years ago?  Are all sultry babes totally insane? The cheese factor is terrific.  The hunk factor is terrific.  Jack Watson does a great job as a maybe-slasher.  Blood, screams, nudity, and Euro-Babes in peril is enough to make this film a worthwhile watch.  Also, Stephanie Beacham is in it!  See "Schizo," and enjoy Lynne Frederick and Stephanie Beacham turning in quite sexy performances. 

Horror of the Hungry Humongous Hungan, Zombie in the Woods

Yep...straight to VHS Troma fare! Hey, it beats "Barry Lyndon," or "Ordinary People." Ambitious as far as a plot, which we will discuss in brief.  Also, this may be the best film ever to be shot in Harrisburg, Pennsylvania. Loads of babes and hunks misbehaving to Rock & Roll, engaging in pre-marital sex, and generally just being annoying. Let us delve into this mad-scientist/voodoo/zombie film from 1991, "Horror of the Hungry Humongous Hungan," directed by Randall Dininni.

Let us begin with Diana (BJ Moyer). Babe...she'll spend the entire movie screaming in fear, crying, and having nightmares. Quite the babe, but we do get tired of her. Her BF, Bradley (Joseph Miller) is a hunk who deserves a medal for putting up with her. Harry (Thomas E. Blair) is a mad scientist who creates a hungan. Hungan (David A. Yoakam)? Yep, a zombie resurrected by voodoo serum, only this zombie is put together with parts of different bodies. Thus Harry is also a grave robber. The zombie is animated in Harry's lab and murders two doctors, a janitor, two nurses, a security guard, and gets out. Now it uses its clawed hand to wipe faces off its victims or disemboweling them. Bradley and Diana will join a lot of friends, but she will keep screaming and having nightmares, anyway.

Tom (also played by Yoakam) and Karen (Barbara Tutolo) organize a rock concert for everyone and then arrange this camping trip. Oh, Angie (Rocet Singer)! Very hot! The hottest dame in this film. She wakes up in bed, clad in lingerie, with total strangers...she will be on the camping trip. You know who else, or what else will be on the camping trip? Yep! The hungan. We like the hungan...he seems so appropriate for this film. He growls, roars, wipes the faces of hunks and babes, and does that a lot. The kill count will be enormous.  Diana will continue to scream, though at the campsite she will have something to scream about. Angie?  need you ask...so sad.

Will anyone survive this camping trip?  Why isn't the hungan a household word and Jason and Michael Myers are?  Can we get someone to create a whole series of sequels centering on the romances and perils of Angie? Sadly, this was Rocet Singer's only film...though she may have moved on to be a lingerie model. See "Horror of the Hungry Humongous Hungan" and just enjoy this Troma film for the fun film it is.

Rise of the Ghosts, Evil Nurse Shreds Coeds

From Canada we have a horror film devoid of humor, wit, or anything else that will provide a diversion to the ominousness and darkness that is thrown at us.  The film was made by Sv Bell, who was one of my first Twitter (now X) buddies.  In 2013 when I joined the medium to post reviews, he was my first moviemaker follower. He has been gone from the medium ever since, but I found one of his films!  Today we take a look at the grim "Rise of the Ghosts" from 2007.

Many years ago an evil nurse (Melantha Blackthorne) murdered a whole bunch of girls at an all girls school.  She tortured them, cut them up, made them do lewd sex acts on one another, and kept their souls. Sure, a metaphor for so-called higher education here in the States, today. Sarah (Christine Ghawi) is a babe who's sister Veronica (Alison Louder) was murdered by the nurse. Now Sarah wants to break into the school and free all the souls which are still in captive in the basement. To do this she relies on four friends, all useless, except for Jared (Robert Araujo)...who is a hunk. She and Jared, joined by bestie Liz (Kimberley Dawn Hugman) and her pal Jessica (Magenta Baribeau) go seek the assistance of paranormal idiot Ethan (Joseph Taylor). Ethan is an expert on the old school and the evil nurse who dwells there.  More important, he has a hot sister, Carol (Suzi Lorraine) who will join them.

Okay, do the names of these stars sound like stripper names? The newly formed gang follow the inept Ethan into the house and are immediately preyed upon by ghosts of the murdered girls, which are under the control of the nurse. The nurse appears and she is evil.  Her fingers are pointy syringes filled with something. Sarah and Veronica's backstory is revealed and it is relevant, you'll see.  One by one the ghosts get the team members. Sadly, the demise of Carol is extra gory...ick.  Veronica as a ghost is able to give Sarah a hint on what she needs to do.  Not being at all bright, Sarah is slow on the uptake.  More gory carnage results.

Will Sarah emerge from the haunted and condemned school building...alive?  Will someone give Ethan the best selling book Paranormal Investigations for Dummies?  Will Sarah be able to free the captured souls of the coeds, or will she become one of them?  Grim, and gory, all the way, see "Rise of the Ghosts," and check out more of Sv Bell's films.

Seance, Dorm Hauntings

Many say "The Exorcist" is one of the greatest horror films of all time.  The William Peter Blatty novel was equally, if not more, scary. Evil spirits...or the devil himself going ape with possession and carnage. So, here we are.  How do you spice up a tired plot, with predictable characters, and standard tropes? Exactly!  Make it a remake of "The Exorcist."  Except an adolescent Linda Blair is substituted by college babes doing pre-marital sex, and befriending entities they should have left alone.  When this film is done, you will see the parallels to the 1973 classic.  Our feature today is 2006's "Seance," directed by  Mark L. Smith. 

Many years ago, little girl Cara (Bridget Shergalis) is murdered by Spence (Adrian Paul) the maintenance guy in her building. Present day, that building serves as a college dorm. Thanksgiving is here and the dorm empties out except for three nubile college babes and two college hunks. Latin hunk Diego (A.J. Lamas) is banging sultry blonde Alison (Chauntal Lewis). The two nymphos are joined by roomies Lauren (Kandis Fay) and Melina (Tori White)...both major league babes. The three babes share a room that is haunted by benign ghost Cara.  All good, right? Just wait.  Also staying over Thanksgiving is Grant (Joel Geist). He's dashing, and Lauren is hot for him, even though he's on a dozen different psyche meds. Oh! Diego? A parapsychology major. Yep, Diego is not a good student and leads a seance to talk with Cara.  As you probably can tell...this won't go swimmingly.

The seance brings back the evil Spence.  Now the malicious maintenance guy, who was fried in the electric chair in 1975, has a new lease on life.  I'm debating whether to talk about the parrot...Nah! Spence resumes his homicidal activities.  Diego and Alison decide to have pre-marital sex and Spence joins in, you'll see...but this won't go well for Alison. With Alison now missing, you will just love what happens to her soon, all the others search for her. The surviving babes and hunks figure out Spence is back and rely on Diego's knowledge to do another seance and try to trap Spence. Alas, Diego is a C minus student and what he does is such a bad idea, we just wait for the carnage that follows. It is such a bad idea, some of you may begin pulling for Spence.  The babe-factor is impressive, and so is the hunk factor. Sadly, no one is too beautiful to die horribly in this film.

Will the babes and hunks get a clue and figure out seances are not a good idea?  Just how bad was Diego's idea?  Here is a clue...think poultry.  Just what does Spence do to the naked and aroused Alison?  Sound mediocre?  Perhaps...but when you figure out this is just an unambitious remake of "The Exorcist," and a far better film than the Richard Burton disaster "Exorcist II: The Heretic," you may enjoy "Seance."  

He Never Left, Vacancy Meets Halloween

For those of you who like their horror brutal and nightmarish, here's one for you.  A seedy no-tell motel harboring dark secrets is the setting.  A masked slasher with a really big knife.  Guests who need atonement.  You ever notice in these films that atonement is always given in gory fashion?  Our feature today is "He Never Left," directed by James Morris.

Gabe (Colin Cunningham) is on the run.  A three-time loser, at least, has the US Marshals after him.  He's wanted for murdering a 17-year-old boy. Gaben in a piece of work...he himself is a cold blooded killer with a short fuse. He needs help and the only soft-heart he can find is a former GF, the pretty redhead Carly (Jessica Staples)...she is also a piece of work, you'll see.  She smuggles him into a room at the Skyline Motel run by Bryce (David E. McMahon). He's too creepy and has a tendency to care too much about his guests. Carly secures Gabe in the room and goes off to get food.  Gabe needs to keep quiet and not turn the lights on.  Uh oh.  As Gabe keeps quiet he hears the women in the room next door being brutally murdered. Like, what is he going to do...call the cops?

Carly comes back and finds Gabe in a panic.  When she finds out that Gabe did not help a woman being attacked, she leaves him high and dry.  She is done with Gabe for good now!  Leaving Gabe to his own devices, Carly goes back to her putrid life but the Skyline Hotel is kind of like the Hotel California.  The real horror is about to follow Carly home.  Gabe?  Yep...the sins of his past will be addressed as the ghost of his 17-year-old victim beckons.  Who else beckons?  Pale Face (William McAllister), a killer who left the scene nearly 20 years ago who was responsible for lots of murders.  he's back and seems to have free reign of the motel.

There is a lot more but the last 40 minutes of this film, if described here, would give too much away.  Fear not, the blood will flow freely, many will die horribly, and the secret of the Skyline Motel will be revealed. Don't get too close to anyone in this film...they are all terribly flawed. For a great masked slasher film, see "He Never Left." 

Fortune Cookie, Final Destination Mandarin Style

Okay, I was going to say this film is "Final Destination" lite.  Never mind that.  I just tabulated the kill count and wow! We have hunks and babes...many will die so horribly in very twisted and impaling ways. The culprit? Right, fortune cookies.  Oh, guess what!  The detective in this one is...Dina Meyer!  Yes, the babe from the shower scene in "Starship Troopers."  Okay, I admit her role could have been deeper, but it is Dina Meyer, so we are happy.  A lot happier than the babes and hunks who will lose their heads or have their faces fried off.  Today we look at 2016's "Fortune Cookie," directed by Rob Pallatina, and made by The Asylum.

Major league babe Isabella (Morgan Obenreder) is opening a Chinese restaurant.  She's serious about culturally appropriating a once proud culture...worry not you woke leftists, she will pay dearly. On the eve of her first taste testing in front of food critic Bryce (Ryan Merriman), she and her main squeeze, Josh (Brent Lydic) and five more friends go eat at another Chinese restaurant.  A good amount of disrespect is shown to the Chinese staff at the place and as a result, some evil fortune cookies are served. The diners get fortunes that will eventually tell them how they will die. Seconds later, babe Bree (Roxy Sowlaty) chokes on a lotus leaf and dies after a gory tracheotomy.  Her fortune simply said, "Lotus." Danny (Anthony Ma), a Chinese guy, an hour later has vicious sex with Bree's lesbian lover, Kelly (Kaitlyn McIvor)...and she will die from a bee that gets in between her contact lens and her eyeball...hate when that happens.

Yep...one by one, weird and gory deaths befall the friends. We are not happy when the babe Claire (Ashley Doris) gets it in a gratuitous nude bath scene with cucumbers...don't ask.  Danny's grandfather (James Hong) offers guidance to the group on how to rid themselves of the curse.  Sadly, getting all these selfish cultural appropriators on the same sheet of music is nearly impossible. Enter Detective Emma Hoskins (Meyer).  She is useless, but knows what is going on.  Swords will impale, deep fried grease will melt faces off, wrecking balls will decapitate, and sawed off shotguns will do what shotguns do. Oh, wait, sawed off shotguns don't kill people...people do...or, I should say ancient Chinese secrets kill people.  Anyone remember the Calgon commercial?

Will Dina Meyer have a similar shower scene as she did in "Starship Troopers"?  Cucumbers in a bath scene with a nude babe?  Will any of the hunks or babes have enough guts to order the #69?  "Fortune Cookie" is a gory affair with an astronomical death count.  Also, Dina Meyer is is in it.  So, order in this Friday night, eat the chow mein with chopsticks, avoid cracking open the fortune cookies, and watch "Fortune Cookie."       

Killington, Wellness, Yoga, and Murder in Vermont

Four babes from Sarah Lawrence College! Ha! For those of you that don't know, the faculty, staff, students and alumni at and of Sarah Lawrence College have been on suicide watch ever since Trump threw Hillary into the trash heap of American history. So when our four protagonists are from Sarah Lawrence College... we cheer for the slasher!  To our credit, this slasher is a babe and a half. Not very likeable, but she probably plied her time as a physical education major at a community college. Today we take a peek at 2024's "Killington," as in Killington, Vermont, directed by Mark Duszinski and Frank Perz.

Our four aforementioned sophisticate-wannabes win a free weekend with their spiritual wellness guru, the glorified Yoga instructor Kali (Sophie Sumner). These four worship Kali, or at least two do, more on that later. Bride-to-be foregoes her bachelorette weekend to go spend a few days with Kali. The plan is to meditate, do Yoga, meditate some more, spiritually cleanse, eat right, and meditate some more.  You can imagine, after a few minutes of this, anyone would crave steak, potatoes, and beer. Emily (Sarah Faye Beard), is the bride to be and thinks Kali is God.  She watches her podcast regularly. Lulu (Nikki MacCallum) is also brainwashed by this ASMR Yoga fraud. Allegra (Brianna Cala) pretends she likes Kali, only to be with her buddies.  Then, actress and TV hostess Darcy (Sam Morales) goes along out of curiosity.

Kali believes she can save the souls of these four.  After the gals bore of her vegan diet, reliance on meditating, and yapping about souls, the quartet break out the alcohol, call a male stripper, do cocaine, drink beer, and bicker about materialistic things.  Kali is so disgusted she could...well, you'll see. Oh, yeah...the creepy caretaker develops a liking to Darcy. The gals start suspecting something is very wrong when the stripper mysteriously disappears...they have no idea.  The final half hour will be incredibly gory, but just like the Hillary bid for the presidency, the weekend will be ill-fated and quite messy.

Is Kali really an insaniac, or has she legitimately reached Zen or whatever Yoga priestesses do? Are any of the materialistic babes ripe for saving or having their souls purified, or has Sarah Lawrence College corrupted every fiber of their phycological make-up?  Will the toned, blonde, and Yoga pants clad Kali enter into some nice catfights with her four guests? This is a slasher film with big knives, gutting, pummeling, catfights, and meditation...eat your heart out John Carpenter! See "Killington" and celebrate the death of liberal college educations.

Alone at Night, Paris Hilton and Pamela Anderson

Yep, they are in this. Pamela Anderson as a very playful sheriff with a sense of humor and a half.  Paris Hilton in the surprise role of...a reality show hostess!  Imagine that. It is so good to see Pamela Anderson as a cop instead of those Cagney & Lacey types.  Gimme buxom blonde any day over strong and "empowered."  What else is in this film?  A sexy cam-girl.  Pre-marital sex.  Drugs.  A crowbar-killer!  Yep, he splits heads open with a mighty whack from his trusty crowbar.  Our feature today is 2022's semi-annoying "Alone at Night" (aka "18 & Over"), directed by Jimmy Giannopoulos.

Vicky (Ashley Benson) is a cam-girl who gets thrown out by her jealous BF.  She heads to the mountains to stay in an isolated cabin of her bestie, Stacy (Sky Ferreira). Stacy leaves the film now, so don't get your hopes up. Vicky does her cam-girl shtick on the site 18 & Over.  Oh, a guy is murdering peeps nearby with a crowbar.  To her annoyance, Vicky keeps meeting people. Sheriff Rogers (Anderson) keeps checking on her...she's a hoot, and quite the babe. Max (Jon Foster) is the only neighbor.  Vicky likes him and wants to have pre-marital sex with him.  A hunk handyman (John Robinson) comes to fix her electricity and Wi-Fi. Then, Stacy's cousin, the hunk Jake (Jake Weary) arrives.  She wants to have pre-marital sex with him, too.  The little minx that she is, Vicky does indeed do those guys.

You know what else these guys are?  Yep, potential crowbar killers!  Vicky is slow on the uptake on this. All the guys are available.  Max is also vulnerable as his wife took the kids and left him six months ago.  Vicky performs every night for her customers. She'll don a blue wig, wear the naughtiest of BDSM attire, take sudsy baths, and satisfy herself to lonely and demented guys.  Meanwhile, Max seems to be interested and Vicky is fine with that, though she is busy screwing the others.  Wait!  Should we mention Paris Hilton?  No...yeah, probably not.  After all, did we not get enough of her 20 years ago?  So where is this all going.  Bloody murder, deviant sex, and someone getting kicked out of the house in Paris Hilton's reality show.

Is one of Vicky's new hunks the crowbar killer?  Will Sheriff Rogers and Vicky get it on in one of her cam-girl performances?  Pamela Anderson in a sheriff's uniform, tactical belt, cowboy hat, and a pistol...is there anything else we need in our slasher film? For a standard slasher film with reality show vibes, the glamour of Paris Hilton, the jiggling of Pamela Anderson, and a slut final girl...see "Alone at Night."

Spiker, A Slasher with a Supernatural Flair

Gotta love slasher films that are a throwback to the 80's Golden Era.  This 2007 film has its inspiration from those films. Sultry cheerleaders in full costume.  Their hunk jock BFs clad in their football jerseys.  An escaped lunatic killer who was put away 10 years ago for murdering 27 peeps...etc.  However predictable this plot is, we still have some nice cheese and beef.  Set on Long Island, pretty cheerleaders and the jocks that love them will die horribly.  Our feature today is "Spiker," directed by Frank Zagarino.

Yep, 10 years ago Adam (Zagarino), known as Spiker, was put away in prison murdering dozens of peeps with a railroad spike.  Today, authorities are still finding the bodies of his victims. Some Clinton appointed judge ruled him insane and mandated he be transferred out of prison to an asylum. Yep, during the transfer he escapes. Now Spiker, an albino with pink eyes, secures some railroad spikes and heads to the house where it all started.  Okay, Lisa (Giselle Rodriguez) is a sultry cheerleader and her beau is quarterback Mike (Matt Jared).  Her and two fellow babe cheerleaders, all in full cheerleader costume, Nikki (Ginger Kroll) and Erin (Linda Johnson), plus two other hunk jocks head to a cabin in the woods.  Lisa will someday inherit the cabin and the six deem it a perfect place to have pre-marital sex, drink beer, dance, and listen to bad music.  Sure, a creepy caretaker, Clive (David 'Shark' Fralick) will warn them to depart. 

So here is what is going on. During the night Lisa finds the boudoir of her aunt.  Her aunt was a spitting image of her.  20 years ago, the aunt was Spiker's first victim, and killed in that house. Enter babe cheerleader Erin!  She wants to do a seance and talk to the aunt...and Spiker. You can imagine how well this goes.  Thinking Spiker is dead, the cheerleaders and jocks are not worried about him just showing up.  Spiker does just show up...with a nice supply of railroad spikes.  Before he begins murdering sultry cheerleaders and hunk jocks, the kids engage in pre-marital sex.  A vicious and uncomfortable backstory is revealed, and the albino killer displays his proficiency with the spikes.  But wait, the ghost!  Yep, Lisa's aunt roams this cabin clad in her wedding gown.

Why is Spiker attracted to this cabin in the woods and why was Lisa's aunt his very first victim?  Will the cheerleaders engage in a shower scene, skinny-dipping, or inappropriate affection between themselves?  Will any of the jocks do anything remotely useful to fighting off a slasher?  The casting is excellent, from a creepy slasher, nubile and sultry cheerleaders in costume, and hunk jocks.  For an old fashioned slasher effort, see "Spiker."        

The Killing Hour, An American Giallo Effort

This American film looks a lot like the Italian Giallo films.  I'm told it is one of "The Video Nasties." The opening scene is filled with female nudity and then a dead babe floating in the East River in New York City. The corpse of the former babe is handcuffed and bruised and this will be the beginning.  Vicious with some very imaginative and excruciating kills, 1982's "The Killing Hour" (aka "The Clairvoyant"), directed by Armand Mastroianni, and music by Ennio Morricone, is our feature today.

A hooker/porn-star (Olivia Negron) is found naked, handcuffed, and floating in the river. Pretty art-student Virna (Elizabeth Kemp) is a bit upset as she just happened to draw a sketch of the murder and the floating body having never laid eyes on the porn-star or the event. Yep, she has clairvoyance.  Uh oh, two more killings.  A college swimmer handcuffed below the water line at the pool and a construction worker handcuffed to a live wire.  Three handcuff murders in one day...and Virna drew them all as they happened. Now for the worst part, the detective assigned to the case, Larry (Norman Parker), is a stand-up comedian.  None of his jokes are funny, like most stand-ups.  Eventually he connects with Virna and falls in love with her.

Also falling in love with Virna, and no, she is not that attractive, is TV host Mac (Perry King).  He wants Virna on his TV show to draw her sketches.  Uh oh...another murder, in an elevator shaft.  Are they connected?  Larry really does like Virna, but Mac merely wants to exploit her.  Still, she plays both men off one another.  Even worse for her, more sketches are pumped out that suggest the victims had some connection and that she herself might be in danger.  Now the killer keeps murdering in very imaginative ways with the handcuffs.  Virna realizes she is on the run and should trust no one.

Can Virna trust Mac or Larry?  Will she eventually be able to draw the face of the killer?  Will Larry be able to make anyone laugh at his side-gig, or will he just be another Woody Allen without the glitter?  Ominous and at times erotic, this gritty horror yarn should have been dubbed to make it seem even more like Giallo.  For a terrific and vicious mystery, see "The Killing Hour."      

Maya, When Italians Culturally Appropriate Mexicans

We have an Italian one today.  We can call it Euro-trash as so many sultry Euro-babes, masquerading as Mexican babes, die horribly.  Sliced, diced, contorted, folded over, drowned, suspended with fishhooks, etc.  All because of a 1300 year old Mayan legend.  Mayan?  Think Aztec without the glitter.  Or think Inca without the marketing campaign. Set in Mexico, this 1989 Marcello Avallone film was filmed in Rome (also known as the Mexico City of the Mediterranean).  Let us take a peek at "Maya."

Dr. Slivak (William Berger) lives in a small Mexican town steeped deep with Mayan legend. I won't bore you with that particular legend, needless to say, Slivak seems to have penetrated the veil that separates life from death. Yawn.  Of course this is never good, and as a result a curse is unleashed on the town.  Slivak is now gone and his sultry daughter, Lisa (Mariella Valentini) arrives in town to figure out what happened to her dad. She'll meet up with Peter (Peter Phelps).  We like Peter. When we first meet him he scoops up a naked whore from his bed, throws her over his shoulder, gives her rear end a massive spank, and throws her in a cold shower.  There's a man!  Never since the Aztecs did a man give a woman what she wanted better than Peter. Peter knows a lot of babes in this town...and one by one they get mutilated, sliced, diced, contorted, hooked, etc.  You can take Italy out of Giallo, but you can't take misogyny out of it.

So where are we?  We meet Jahaira (Mariangelica Ayala).  She's a babe gas station attendant who seems to be with demon on occasion.  Two brute American who try to rape her will find this out the hard way.  We meet bar wench Laura (Mirella D'Angelo)...every guy who sees her grabs her posterior and forces themself on her...and she loves it.  So sad, her fate. Okay, never mind Maria (Vilma Ramia). She was Dr. Slivak's paramour...now she is suspended from the ceiling by fishhooks. Lisa and Peter kind of fall in love, but Peter has not slapped her around yet.  If this was "Aztec" instead on "Maya," he would have by now.  Peter and Lisa figure out a few things and realize Day of the Dead (the holiday, not movie) is coming up.  The town will celebrate this at the great Mayan pyramid and when they do...well, some evil ghost will return to do...well, do evil things.

Will Peter get everyone cheering and rip off Lisa's clothes and slap her buttocks silly?  Is this a thinly veiled metaphor of the Mayan feminism that doomed their entire tribe?  An Aztec, an Incan, and a Mayan walk into a bar...wait...this is getting too silly.  Never mind.  See "Maya" for some icky gore, sultry and sweaty Italian babes playing Mexicans, and bitingly accurate history.

When It Rains in LA, Slasher Arrives From Italy

Eric Roberts! Yes! Something about Eric Roberts, if he's in it, I wanna see it.  You guys know what I mean.  Four minutes and 52 seconds into this film, and half of that is in slow motion, he dies. Still, it was great seeing him. So who is left?  Pure babes and hunks, so we won't miss Eric too much. Even better all the babes and hunks left in this film just exude, "KILL ME WITH A BIG KNIFE!"  Yep, the big knife is also in this film and the babes and hunks will be gone through like crap through a goose.  I get it, you want to know if there is a particular plot holding all this together.  You're no fun.  Our feature today is 2025's "When It Rains in LA," directed by David M. Parks.

Nate (Roberts) is married to a babe, Sasha (Monroe Cline) who is 50 years younger than him. Hey, it's Eric Roberts...and that hair!  Eric dies suddenly when given divorce papers.  Heart attack? Sasha then flies to LA to stay with friends...the most awkward hunks and babes ever assembled, in fact, every conversation they have is uncomfortable and weird.  I'm not even going to mention the Mexican rain curse, though it will be a major part of the film, as it is in our own lives. Everyone is mad a Mark (Felix Merback).  Leese (Paris Simone) is in perpetual mourning and always comforted by lesbian sex with Tatia (Natasha Stricklin). Alice (Taylor Brianna) is all slut and may have feelings for Mark.  Oh, Anna (Leslie Stratton) was on the same plane to LA with Sasha and is a bit too interested in her.  Never mind the stewardess (LeeAnne Bauer) who also seemed a little too interested in Sasha, though she was a babe, too!

The pilot?  Harry (Tom Gipson)? Hunk.  He is also very interested in Sasha...and he will eventually get in bed with her. Okay, I know.  Plot? There is one, but I don't want to bore you with it.  While Leese and Tatia have passionate lesbian sex in the restroom of a nightclub, the slasher begins his work.  Poor Leese, no one should assume room temperature in such a humiliating fashion.  Good toilet seat deaths are few and far between.  The slasher continues...he kills so many babes and hunks...and finds Sasha and Harry in bed together.  Hey, this is a lot more coherent than Richard Attenborough's 1993 bore-a-thon "Shadowlands." 

Who is the slasher?  Was Eric Roberts' death from natural causes?  Marketing herself as a top influencer, should Paris Simone really allowed herself to be killed off on a toilet seat?  Sure, it worked for Elvis, but Paris Simone is no Elvis! This last question is one we should all ask ourselves.  For some great fun, a high kill count, and a lot of hunks and babes in peril, see "When It Rains in LA"  Just don't ask too many questions about the Mexican rain curse.

Popeye's Revenge, Our Favorite Sailor Man Shreds Hunks and Babes

Steven Murphy's portrayal of Popeye is quite different than the one done by Robin Williams.  I will say, this 2025 Popeye interpretation is stacked with some sultry bikini babes and hunks with six-pack abs...all will die horribly.  But wait!  Yep, Olive Oyl (Kelly Rian Sanson) is also in this one...and she's as psycho as Popeye. Did we ask for another Popeye film?  No. But, we did ask for another horror film with babes in bikinis having sex in hot tubs and then dying in those same hot tubs by the hands of a lunatic and his GF.  Or, I think we were asking for that. Our feature today is "Popeye's Revenge," directed by William Steed.

As the film begins a backstory will be delivered through crude animation.  The tale is fraught with madness, slaughter, and twisted love, but it sets out Popeye and Olive Oyl as psychos looking to murder anyone that enters the house in which they were imprisoned and tortured in as children. Tara (Emily Mogilner) is a babe who wants to do a good deed.  I know, these always work out so well in these movies.  She assembles her BF, the hunk Dylan (Connor Powles), her bestie, the babe Donna (Danielle Ronald), the hunk Nick (Bruno Cryan), the most sultry babe ever to appear in a movie from England, Kathy (Karolina Ugrenyuk), and the big-boobed Sky (Atlanta Moreno)...oh, Max (Fyn Phoenixx). They enter the house in order to restore it and turn it into a haunted house attraction.  what could go wrong?

Right, Popeye and Olive.  The fog rolls in and so does the dastardly duo. Popeye begins picking the babes and hunks off one by one. Sky has a gratuitous bikini and skinny dip scene in the hot tub which Popeye will end in bloody fashion.  Poor Sky, she is the first.  So sad, this film will have an astronomical death count.  We want Kathy to survive because her in that leopard print bikini may be the most impressive thing coming out of the U.K. since Kate Beckinsale. I know, you can guess her fate.  Popeye kills by ripping out spines, running lawn mowers over babes, popping out eyeballs crushing heads, and castrating with anchors. With Olive Oyl at his side he goes through hunks and babes like crap through a goose.  Where does this all lead?  You'll see, but this film is largely a gratuitous platform for some nice cheese and beef in peril.

Will Tara be a final girl, and if so why?  Is there any way possible that Kathy in her leopard print bikini survives this onslaught?  I know, stupid question.  Will Olive Oyl and any of the bikini babes engage in a catfight to the death?  The kills are imaginative and gory and there are a lot of them.  For a gratuitous dive into prurience and bloody slaughter, see "Popeye's Revenge." 

Breaking the Girls, Hitchcock Does Lipstick Lesbianism

Yep, Hitchcock's "Strangers on a Train" was not quite the film he wanted to make. Nope!  Sir Alfred Hitchcock had a more deviant plot in mind. Nubile babes swapping spit with one another, feeling each other up, undressing one another, eating one another, and then doing the same to more sultry babes. Yep, today we have the film Hitchcock wanted to make but for prudish censors.  It is sort of a combo between "Wild Things" and that Hitchcockian classic. Gratuitous and steamy, there will be no shortage of babes, scantily clad, sucking face and making passion with one another. Detect a theme? Our feature today is 2012's "Breaking the Girls," directed by Jamie Babbit.

Sara (Agnes Bruckner), a graduate student, falls on tough times. Then she meets rich Alex (Madeline Zima). Alex seduces Sara and the babes fall in love. All sorts of steamy sex follow. Alex, though rich has a problem. Her former lover, Nina (Kate Levering) dumped her to marry her dad. Right!  Alex' former lesbian lover is now her stepmom.  Only five years difference in age. Sara has a problem. The lovely Brooke (Shanna Collins) , is a classmate that is jealous of her because Sara is also swapping fluids with Eric (Shawn Ashmore), and Brooke wants Eric. See the problem? The unhinged Alex has an idea, and in lesbian passion and not very seriously Sara agrees to the plan. A perfect murder. Sara will kill Nina, thus allowing Alex to be the sole heiress to the family fortune...and Alex will kill Brooke.

Sara did not think Alex was serious...ha!  Yep, Brooke dies in a drowning and pummeling accident.  Alex is now blackmailing Sara to kill Nina.  What follows?  Sara and Alex lesbian passion.  Alex on Nina lesbian passion.  I know what you're thinking...will there be Sara lesbian passion on Nina? The sex between Alex and Sara is well choreographed and is half this film.  In the pool.  In the bed.  In front of Eric.  Wherever!  Uh oh...more murders, and not just babes.

Will Sara agree to murder Nina?  Will Nina and Sara become lovers?  Will there be a nice threesome before this film ends?  Don't kid yourself, this movie works as a gratuitous lesbian sex show.  The twists are predicable and numerous.  To give Ms. Bruckner, Ms. Zima, and Ms. Levering credit they do their roles very well and are very pleasing to the camera.  For some gratuitous smut masquerading as a Hitchcock classic, see "Breaking the Girls." 

Croc! Bride vs. Crocodile

A sultry bride, beautiful bridesmaids, and worthless groomsmen and groom versus a croc!  Even better... this takes place in Hampshire in England. Even better,  Chrissie Wunna (one of this blog's favorite actresses) is one of the bridesmaids.  Her false eyelashes and cleavage will prove a worthy opponent for the misplaced reptile. In, what I believe is Miss Wunna's finest film, the death count will be astronomical, gore will be terrific, and cheese factor maximized.  Our feature today is 2022's "Croc!"  Directed by Paul W. Franklin, this is a film made by Jagged Edge Productions.

Dylan (Mark Haldor) a middle-aged hunk and father of the bride arrives to scout out a country estate where his daughter will be married.  Lame chore for a real man, he takes the occasion to bang the snot out of the wedding coordinator.  I mean, he gives it to her.  Her screams will be guttural and he will give her punishment that her nymphomaniac side will crave and remember forever. Anyway, this scene has little to do with the film but is appreciated. Okay, don't ask why, a 25-foot croc eats two campers in the pond by the estate.  Lisa (Sian Altman) and her bridesmaids arrive the day before the wedding. Vanessa (Wunna) is her best looking bridesmaid, and is Lisa's boss.  Amy (Antonia Whillans) is also a babe, is Lisa's bestie.  Others will be there but they'll be eaten quickly...like Georgie (Beatrice Fletcher).

Beatrice? Babe. Her and the groom to be Charlie (George Nettleton) sneak away for pre-marital sex. These two betrayers of Lisa will get a morality check when Beatrice is eaten and Charlie runs away with a secret he can never tell.  Now the day of the wedding, Dylan goes to look for Beatrice and finds the croc instead.  The croc almost gets Dylan, who has managed to start a nice fling with Vanessa, but heads to the wedding instead.  The big reptile will eat bridesmaids, the grooms parents, and chase all the others to the big manor house or pool house,  There, it will work on trying to outsmart the humans which will not be hard, at least for the groomsmen and groom.  The ladies and Dylan begin planning an assault on the reptile. Vanessa and Dylan grow closer.  Lisa seems perpetually annoyed at Charlie even though she does not yet know of his betrayal. Amy, the nubile blonde, well, she looks good.  All the babes will go to war against the creature clad in a bridal gown or nice bridesmaid attire.

Will Charlie, the two-timing groom get eaten by the croc?  Will the croc get all the bridesmaids?  Will Vanessa and Dylan end up being the bride and groom before the movie ends...or will they get eaten? With a great kill count and a large cheese factor, this is a must see film.  Chrissie Wunna will captivate you guys and you may miss the croc because of her eyelashes and cleavage.  See "Croc!"  

Basement Jack, A Neo-Slasher Classic

A true slasher film!  The plot is pulled right out of the 1980s.  What we will look at today is one of the finest slasher films of the last quarter of a century.  A great cast with a sultry final girl, tons of gore, an enormous death count, nudity, gratuitous pre-marital sex, etc. Oh, Tiffany Shepis is in this as a nice looking policewoman.  Our feature today is 2009's "Basement Jack," directed by Michael Shelton. 

Growing up, Jack (Eric peter-Kaiser) was sexually abused, tortured, brainwashed, and electrocuted by his sadistic mom (Lynn Lowry). He grows up to be a vicious serial killer who breaks into basements, lives there for a time, them murders the families who live upstairs. One night he murders the Cook family except for the nymphomaniac daughter Karen (Michele Morrow). The two will fight, wound each other, and the babe will barely survive and Jack will be arrested, sent to an asylum, and eventually get out. 10 years later, Jack's back doing his thing, murdering families and eluding capture. Now he's followed by a spiteful Karen who wants to murder him. She follows him to Downer's Grove where Jack begins murdering families and nubile nymphos. The PD there at first believes Karen is the killer, but the murders continue even after she is locked up. Now dweeb cop, Watts (Sam Skoryna), is her ally and the two are now a duo.

Jack keeps killing.  He kills hunks and babes in the throes of passion, young good looking families, and dozens more with his trusted machete.  Karen is a Jack expert and is able to figure out where he is and who he will strike next.  She'll even battle Jack, but again, to draws. Sadly, the Downer's Grove PD, with Lucille as a policewoman (Shepis) will not fare well.  Neither Karen nor Watts will remain unscathed, but their determination might just bring Jack's reign of terror to an end...but then again, this is a film highly reminiscent of 80's slasher flicks.

Will the babe Karen and the psycho-Jack engage in anything other than a machete duel?  Will Watts avenge the fate of his police department? Is Jack one of those psycho/slashers that just cannot be killed?  This is a good one, and for those of you who love gore, high death counts, intestines leaking out of babes, or blood covered nymphomaniacs, see "Basement Jack" before Senator Mike Lee's bill becomes law.