Sunday, February 27, 2022

Curse of Pirate Death, Buccaneer Ghost Shreds Hunks and Babes

Julia Galasso is an amazing actress.  Her bikini-shoot scene relegates all the Sports Illustrated swimsuit models to Third Class spinsters.  The leopard print string-bikini speaks to us as she thrusts her hips, juts her chest...and pouts.  Sadly, what comes next is an excruciating death scene for the beauty in which a monster pirate's hand is thrust through her sultry blonde head and out her mouth.  Still, her performance is classic and representative of the entire 2006 film "Curse of Pirate Death," directed by Dennis Devine.

Hundreds of years ago, Abraham LaVoy, also known as Pirate Death (Mitch Toles) takes over a peaceful coastal colony from merchants and farmers.  Him and his pirates will slaughter most of the townsfolk as Pirate Death will bury his treasure in that town.  He'll fall in love with a nubile lass, be cursed by a witch, and betrayed and murdered by his greedy crew. Fast forward a few centuries, Professor Blackheart (Sally Mullins) teaches her history class about the pirates and Pirate Death.  She enjoys lesbian foot and tickle  fetishes with large breasted coeds.  In fairness, slimy guy professors enjoy groping her breasts to see if they are real.  During a bikini party at her pool, she tasks her babe and hunk students to research and find the treasure.

Sadly, the treasure is cursed.  Anyone who gets near it suffers the wrath of Pirate Death.  Two BDSM influenced sorority gals will be shredded by the monster's hook.  Others will be skewered by Death's sword.  Throats will be ripped out, coeds will tangle in catfights, beautiful faces will be ripped off, and swimsuit shoots will end in bloody carnage.  Wait!  One of the students, Lily (Dana Marsh), a nubile blonde in a bikini, is the reincarnation of Death's fiancĂ© and the fiend wants her back.  Now all of Lily's friends, hunk and bikini-babe, are in mortal danger as Lily is drawn into a trance in which she becomes her unfortunate descendant. 

What ever happened to Miss Galasso, and why wasn't she given the role as a cat-suited superhero in her own show (maybe she refused to sleep with Harvey Weinstein)?  Will any of the bikini babes survive Pirate Death or catfights with one another?  Will any of the hunks in this film do anything worthwhile? Gore, cheese, beef, and Julia Galasso in a bikini...all fabulous reasons to see "Curse of Pirate Death."

Friday, February 25, 2022

Daughter of Darkness, Psycho Vampire

What do we get when we cross the creator of "Re-Animator," Stuart Gordon with Norman Bates, aka Anthony Perkins? We get a vampire film! The legendary Stuart Gordon never fails at horror. Though the plot may be classic, Anthony Perkins as the king vampire is so neat to see. Let us take a look at 1990's "Daughter of Darkness."
After her mom dies, the beautiful and nubile Katherine (Mia Sara) leaves America for Transylvania to find her missing dad. we don't know how this is going to turn out. She arrives in Romania and starts snooping, ticking off the secret police, U.S. State Department, and a clan of vampires. Thanks to a helpful, too helpful, cab driver named Max (Dezso Garas), she starts looking in the right places. Hunk diplomat Devlin (Jack Coleman) is sweet on her but tries to get Katherine to end her search. Then, with a vague address on an old photograph, she meets Anton (Perkins). Katherine won't find this out in time, but Anton is not only her dad, but also king of the vampires.
Uh oh...she also meets Gregore (Robert Reynolds), a musician and major international hunk. Again, Katherine has no clue Gregore is also a vampire. In fact, the stud is plotting to oust Anton as vampire king and take the throne, himself. Katherine, too willing to engage in pre-marital sex, makes some bad choices. When she finally does smarten up, she starts fighting the vampire clan and choosing her own love partners. Desperate to know her dad, she concocts a wild plan to wipe out the vampires and save her Anton. Along the way she will be witness to a horrific dungeon of blood donors and also be slated to become vampire queen.
Will Katherine choose pre-marital sex with the living or the dead? Can vampire king Anton be saved from the young buck Gregore? Is the vampire clan a metaphor for the reign of terror of the rule of Romanian dictator Nicolea Ceausescu? Okay, forget about deep messages, we have Norman Bates as a toothy vampire joining forces with an American babe...enough said, enjoy "Daughter of Darkness." 

Wednesday, February 23, 2022

The Phantom Empire, Leather Clad Vixens and Cave Bunnies

See Sybil Danning as a leather clad alien queen wielding a big sword and cleavage.  See Michelle Bauer as a cave bunny clad in a prehistoric bikini engaging in topless catfights with other cave bunnies.  See a leather clad vixen take down a T-Rex.  Yep, a Fred Olen Ray film, 1988's "The Phantom Empire."  Babes, monsters, spears, and ripped off bikini tops will enthrall you in this epic B movie.

The beautiful Denae (Suzy Stokey) hires two private eye adventurers, Cort (Ross Hagen) and Eddy (Dawn Wildsmith) to take her on an expedition to find a lost world beneath the Earth's surface teeming with diamonds.  A professor from Miskatonic University, Andrew (Jeffrey Combs), and Count Yorga himself, (Robert Quarry) join the adventure.  Quarry plays Professor Strock.  The team finds the underground empire quickly and run into cave dwelling cannibals that try to make Denae into rotisserie babe.  The team saves her, kills many of the cannibals and battle a laser shooting Robby the Robot.  They run into a cave bunny (Bauer), who jiggles nicely in her bikini.  She is in love with Andrew.

Finally the queen shows up, wielding a tight leather outfit, silver boots and a big sword.  She'll take Andrew as her sex toy and gives the others to spear wielding cave bunnies.  The aforementioned catfight occurs as Michelle Bauer loses her top.  Now jiggling better, the team must battle dinosaurs and free Andrew.  Desiring diamonds, our team is not in a rush to leave.  Now they'll have to battle Sybil Danning, more dinosaurs, and more cave bunnies.  Do you need anything more?

I know what you are all asking...will Sybil Danning and Michelle Bauer engage in a mud soaked catfight?  Will the alien queen corrupt the otherwise clean cut Miskatonic University professor?  Does Count Yorga have any surprises for this nubile and jiggling civilization?  Perfection!  It is a mystery why Hollywood pushes "Moonfall" on all of us when a perfect storyline can be found in 80s epics made by Fred Olen Ray.  For a prurient good time, see "The Phantom Empire." 

Monday, February 21, 2022

Noah's Shark, The Shark Sayeth the Lord

If you have never perused Genesis, you should.  Read it as the first book of the Bible...then read it in light of what you have read in the New Testament.  Avoid extra-biblical texts (diversions) and concentrate on what God wants you to know.  Then read it in the light of those extra-Biblical texts and find out about the shark that tormented Noah's family.  There are many reasons not to be distracted by extra-Biblical texts, 2021's "Noah's Shark" is one of those.  Directed by Mark Polonia, this film is so much fun.

Thousands of years ago, Noah's son Zadkiel (Kevin Coolidge) is fooled by a satanic creature, a shark who wants a ride on the ark.  Noah already has two sharks and doesn't want a third.  Zadkiel smuggles the demonic fish on board only to have Noah throw him off.  The shark eats Zadkiel and will torment humanity in the millenniums to come.  Fast forward to today, Father Benna (Jeff Kirkendall) is on the verge of having his reality show, Next Door Exorcism, cancelled.  Alan (Polonia), is his producer/cameraman who is always looking for new ideas.  The viewing public is skeptical of Benna's on-air exorcisms...damned doubters! 

Benna's buddy Buster (Ryan Dalton) brings Benna a possessed plank taken during an expedition to Noah's ark.  Now Benna is convinced to trek to the ark, high on Mount Ararat, and find the ark.  The priest has visions of the demon shark, controlled by the Witch of Endor.  Buster enlists a feisty mercenary babe, Jed (Jamie Morgan).  With her machine gun, she leads the party through Iran on the way up the mountain ...don't ask.  Now the evil Witch of Endor and the demonic shark are set on destroying the expedition and spreading their evil throughout the globe.  Gritty reality...especially if you are bent on extra-Biblical texts, like the Book of Zadkiel.

Will Father Benna and his party make it up Mount Ararat without being eaten by the shark?  Are Great White sharks the reason why the Ark of the Covenant has yet to be found?  Will the Polonia Brothers tackle the 10 Commandments, next?  For a great film to discuss in your next Bible study, delve into "Noah's Shark."   


Saturday, February 19, 2022

Bigfoot vs. Krampus, Bigfoot Bakes Gingerbread Men Cookies

So sweet.  And a belated Merry Christmas to all of you.  What conveys the Christmas spirit more than a big furry cryptid baking cookies?  Yep, we got bigfoot, the exterminator, Lucifer, the monster shark thing, and a half dozen other monsters in our feature today, "Bigfoot vs. Krampus," directed by BC Fourteen. With "Moonfall" about to hit theaters, save yourself the 12 bucks for the ticket and stay home and watch this creature/scifi film.

Okay, Krampus is the latest being trying to finish off the remnants of humanity.  The horned Christmas demon wages war on the sultry Princess Kali (Carli Rader).  Her mother ship carries the last survivors of Earth's destruction.  Kranpus has already blown away the queen and the Atlantians, Kali's biggest ally.  Kali isn't helpless, but she is pregnant with Van Helsing's (Marco Guzman) baby.  Her pregnancy means refraining from sex, thus Van Helsing feels dejected and flees for intergalactic strip clubs.  This leaves Bigfoot (also, Mr. Guzman) to assist Kali and her morning sickness through a final battle.

Krampus talks too much and receives several offers of assistance by fellow human haters.  Lucifer himself makes generous offers and soon the horned deity has the most evil allies in the universe assisting his efforts.  Space battle drama ensues and great battlestars will be blown to bits.  Pregnant or not, Kali has sass and will be intimidated by no one, or no thing! 

Will Van Helsing grow up and come back to help his buddies, Kali and Bigfoot?  Do the evil deities of the universe finally have what it takes to cooperate and destroy the remains of humanity?  Should pregnant babes with morning sickness be allowed to control battlestars?  I'm sure Adama would not approve.  Get into these BC Fourteen space and cryptic sagas as I promise you there will be more.  For some animated fun, see "Bigfoot vs. Krampus."

Thursday, February 17, 2022

Medusa, Nubile and Aroused Babe Becomes Monster

Okay...I can hear it already.  You divorced guys...shush!  I will try to refrain from labelling this film a metaphor for all women.  Just because we have a beautiful woman who becomes a man-hating monster during or after pre-marital sex...doesn't mean we have to look at this film as a metaphor for all women.  I know you divorced guys out there will disagree.  Let us take a look at 2020's "Medusa," directed by Matthew B.C. 

She's a failure...Carly (Megan Purvis).  She left the gypsy trailer park to pursue a singing career in the big city.  This crashed.  Her heroin problem did not help...neither did her choice in men.  She picked real doozies...probably dealers.  Now she is back at the trailer park turning tricks and doing low level dealing.  John (Ricardo Freitas) forced her to deal heroin and the women of the trailer park are expected to be whores.  Val (Nicola Wright) is sort of the "caring" madam of the gals.  After visiting the trailer of a weird guy, Carly is bitten on the inner thigh by a serpent.  Don't even go there with symbolism!  Now Carly is slowly turning into a monster.

Turns out a weird lady named Alexis (Jamila Wingett) owns that trailer and she is a bit of a witch...or something.  Now Carly is shedding skin, developing scales, growing fangs, and spitting venom.  Now stop it...I am not going to say "typical woman," here.  Still turning tricks, Carly starts biting her men, including John, and murdering them.  The transformation continues and Carly fast becomes a snake-woman.  She doesn't need heroin anymore as now she has a fix even more'll see.

Is there any turning back for Carly, or is she headed down a path all women head down?  Ooh!  I didn't mean to say that or imply all women are monster snakes.  As the men start dying, what will happen to the rest of the prostitutes in this trailer park?  I'm going to stop here as the temptation to make unfair comparisons and metaphors is too tempting.  For all you guys who have been bitten by women, see "Medusa," and view a familiar story.  

Tuesday, February 15, 2022

Up Against Amanda, Psycho-Babe and Hot Tub Sex

Okay, she's sultry and has a proclivity for steamy sex in the hot tub.  I understand...she's also completely psycho.  True, calling her a homicidal maniac is fair.  After all, shoving a curling iron up her psychiatrist's anus and letting it cook for an hour is not the behavior of a well adjusted babe in 2022.  Still, aren't all women psycho?  Today we look at 2000's "Up Against Amanda," directed by Michael Rissi.

Amanda (Justine Priestley) is the aforementioned psycho babe.  After eight years in an asylum for the criminally insane, she seduced her doctor (John Alan Richards) to discharge her.  Of course, her doctor wants to be paid for that and sets Amanda up in a nice house in the burbs.  Her first night there, she stuffs her curling iron up the doctor's posterior while he is chained to the bed.  Now her neighbor, Richard (David DeWitt), catches her eye.  He has great muscles and Amanda wants him.  Lucky for her, Richard is married to Laurie (Karen Grosso).  Laurie wants to make it big in Vegas and it doesn't look like her plans include Richard.

Amanda moves in as Laurie is away indefinitely.  A very hot seduction scene occurs in Richard's jacuzzi.  Of course, Richard does not know she killed his dog and wired his whole house with video surveillance cameras and has bugged his phone.  Now Laurie, sensing she did wrong, comes back to Richard.  Amanda plots Laurie's demise, and anyone else who might get in her way.  Psycho Amanda is smart and we actually like her more than Laurie.  Sure Amanda is psycho...but Laurie sings like a wounded cow.  

Will Amanda kill Laurie?  Will Richard ever choose psycho over the non-talented wife with a voice like a garbage disposal?  Are we being too judgmental in shying away from homicidal and psycho (especially if the hot tub sex is out of this world)?  For a fine erotic thriller, see "Up Against Amanda," and realize a little murder and obsession can add a couple degrees to your Jacuzzi's water temperature.   

Sunday, February 13, 2022

Death Rink, New Mexico Slasher

A year before the epic and terrifying "Terror at Bigfoot Pond," another New Mexico horror movie was made.  Sort of a bargain basement version of "Friday the 13th," 2019's "Death Rink" traded in a summer camp for a roller skating rink.  With a great cast of hunks and babes, and unique methods of murder, our feature today is a lot of fun and will light a fire within you to visit New Mexico.  Directed by Daniel Zubiate, with plot devices fresh from Roswell, this is a goodie.

Roller King roller-skating rink is closing for the night.  The crew still has a few hours of work to do to clean it and get it ready for tomorrow.  Rachel (Katheryn McCune) is the boss over a crew of teen-agers and immature adults.  Mike (Alan Humphrey) is her security guy and he is uneasy about something.  Oh!  A weird guy keeps calling the alley and screaming "Satan!" into the phone.  Daley (Robert Posey) and French (Caedmon Holland) are her two adult workers...all they think about is pre-marital sex with any woman within 50 miles.  The babes are the three teenagers...who bicker and swear a lot.  Wendy (Meg Smith) is the blonde, Cara (Kim Johnson) operates the snack stand, and Alicia (Amanda Courtney) is Wendy's arch enemy...especially when it comes to stealing boyfriends.

Eventually, the murders begin.  Someone with an alien mask (probably a souvenir from Roswell) has descended upon the rink.  One by one he goes after the babes and hunks.  The strength of this film is the bickering between Wendy and Alicia and also the methods of the kills.  As blood and ketchup mix, the killer seems to have the advantage.  One by one the employees fall, and sex partners for French and Daley get to be an endangered species.

Is the weird caller the psycho-slasher, or is that too easy?  Is Wendy's and Alicia's feud over stolen beaus something that either one of them would murder over?  Is what is happening at this rink an experiment by an alien intelligence who is pulling all the strings from a government lab in Roswell?  Fun and low budget, "Death Rink" is a terrific film especially if you had to sit through "Moonfall."

Friday, February 11, 2022

Terror at Black Tree Forest, Babes and Hunks Shredded by Madman

Okay, the word 'terror' might be a slight exaggeration. Still, we'll go with it in this B (C possibly) horror film.  When good looking babes and hunks venture into the woods where a maniac stalks them, this blog will be there, too. Today we look at a film with one of our favorite plots, which includes our favorite themes, 2021's "Terror at Black Tree Forest," directed by Sam Mason-Bell.  This one is from the U.K.

The brutal slaughter begins immediately.  An ill fated marriage proposal during a hike in the woods ends up being more ill-fated than simple rejection. Very bloody. Now five college chums are planning a camping trip into Black Tree Forest to catch up on old times and get slaughtered. Caroline (Amanda Bourne) a perky blonde organizes this venture and is joined by weed-smoking Molly (Ella Palmer). Also joining them is introvert, Jane (Annabelle Rich). Hunks? Yep...the annoying guitar player Will (Max Pill) and the simply annoying Simon (Omar Mahmood Legares) meet the ladies.  You may not find another quintet with any less chemistry than these peeps.

Yep, the forest has a legend of a psycho-killer.  After Will tells the story, Jane freaks out and Molly smokes more weed.  Now the maniac descends on our campers.  None of them is equipped to survive in the wilderness and perhaps, we think, this is good.  The murders commence and blood will flow.  Throats will be slashed, eyeballs will fly, and the gals will keep yelling at the guys...okay, there is some realism in this film.  As the babes and hunks dwindle in number, a question is begged.  Just who is doing the murdering?

Could one of our grouchy and entitled campers be the killer?  Will either Will or Simon see any action from one of these three nubile babes?  Will there be skinny-dipping or pre-marital sex to move the plot along?  This is a fun one.  For a neat go at a slasher film from the U.K. at a plot right out of the 1980s, see "Terror at Black Tree Forest."

Wednesday, February 9, 2022

Frankenstein's Daughter, Creating Life Amid Partying Teens

Did Hitler really die in a Berlin bunker at the end of World War 2?  In the 1950s, this was in doubt.  The FBI and other intelligence agencies were not so sure.  All we had to go on was the word of the Soviets who said he did.  They never produced a body...and weren't a very truthful regime.  As the FBI scoured Argentina for the mad Fuhrer, under the radar Dr. Frankenstein was percolating.  Could his ancestors have come to America to carry on the great mad man's experiments?  Hence 1958's "Frankenstein's Daughter," directed by Richard D. Cunha.

Okay, Oliver Frank (Donald Murphy) is actually Frankenstein's son.  He has come to the U.S. and attached himself to the kindly old Professor Morton (Felix Locher).  Morton is trying to cure death...God bless him! Not Frank!  While Morton isn't looking, Frank is carrying on his dad's experiments and creating life. More specifically, Frank has put together a man made of body parts of dead men...and now he wants a women's brain to implant in the head.  Yep, he's way ahead of his time.  He's sweet on Morton's sultry daughter, Trudy (Sandra Knight).  As recreation, Morton drugs Trudy causing her to turn into a vicious and hideous monster.  I know...a good metaphor for sultry babes out there.  His antidote brings her back to her normal self...a PMS metaphor?

Okay, now Kent murders Trudy's best friend, Suzy (Sally Todd). Suzy is a blonde babe.  Now Suzy's teenage babe brain is put inside the monster.  Oh yes, top billing in this film is John Ashley, hunk, as Trudy's boyfriend, Johnny.  He's useless and of no consequence to the plot so we will not mention him again...typical male!  Wait!  The luau pool party!  Several minutes of a music and dance interlude...why not?  Now the monster with the blonde's brain is on the loose and murdering poor schmucks.  Frank is trying to force himself on the nubile Trudy.  The cops get involved.  Now the great looking cheesecake and beefcake in swimsuits and sundresses are dancing around Trudy's pool.  Yep...this film has everything.

Now that Frankenstein's monster is a man with a female brain, will pronouns be an issue in this 1950s setting?  Will Trudy develop a life or at least a semi-interesting idea and do more than just look good by the pool?  Now that Suzy is a babe trapped in a man's body will she still...actually, never mind...inappropriate question.  See "Frankenstein's Daughter," and really get a vivid look at 1950s America. 

Monday, February 7, 2022

Blood Games, Sweaty Baseball Babes in Much Peril

Major League Baseball has abandoned the American people.  They have aligned with leftist causes and abandoned the rule of law.  Baseball fans are now rare and the World Series is a non-event for the TV viewing audiences.  So, lets get some babes with great cleavage, short shorts, who sweat, and play baseball better than rednecks.  Sadly, we will get them in today's feature, but many will die sweaty, gang-raped, and humiliated.  Today we look at a surprisingly brutal and heartbreaking film, 1990's "Blood Games," directed by Tanya Rosenberg.

Barnstorming all-babe team, Babe and the Ballgirls storm into a redneck California team and destroy the town's  good-ole-boy baseball team.  The game gets rough.  Babe (Laura Albert) is stunning as she strikes out the guys.  The guys get rough and batter many of the gals.  The gals wear short shorts, and jerseys that display a lot of cleavage.  Babe's dad, Midnight (Ross Hagen) is the coach.  When the town, sort of run by Mino (Luke Shay), stiffs the gals of their winnings, a deadly brawl ensues.  Now the guys hunt the nubile babes, after killing Midnight.  Babe's sister, Mickey (Lisa Zambrano) and another gal are brutally raped.  Babe, to the rescue, shoots the offender.  Now the boys want blood, and more rape.

Back on the bus, a deadly chase ensues.  The gals are worried about Stoney (Julie Hall) who suffered a concussion during the game.  They should worry...this pert blonde will suffer an excruciating and humiliating demise by Mino's crossbow.  The guys trap the bus in a dead end and chase the team into the wilderness.  Gang-rape, crossbow carnage, and knives will do a messy job on the team.  What's left of the team are forced to fight back.  Many rednecks will die horribly, too.  Donna (Shelley Abblett) will set booby traps and some of the blondes will sunbathe nude to present distractions to their tormentors.  The ending will be vicious and bloody.

Despite the beating and humiliation these gals take, Babe and the Ballgirls are far more endearing to the cheaters that make up Major League Baseball today.  Are the redneck rapists a metaphor for the misogynistic atmosphere of todays major sports leagues?  Are nubile babes showing cleavage, wearing short shorts, and sweating a lot a better attraction than fat out of shape relief pitchers (which make up 50% of MLB rosters)?  Should the decreasingly talented "athletes" of Major League Baseball take a back seat to nubile babes with great cleavage...well, you get the point.  Arousing and ominous, "Blood Games" will give you more thrills than Major League Baseball on ESPN.

Saturday, February 5, 2022

It Came from Below, Cave Carnage

Once again we turn to our friends at Jagged Edge Productions for a creature feature.  Cave horror can be problematic.  A lot of dark shots and never a good look at the creature.  Of course, the darkness is part of the horror and a good cave horror film will have more than just visual say...the sound of a creature chomping down on someone's femur while he is still alive.  Cave horror is a flawed subgenre but it still does work.  Today we look at 2021's "It Came from Below," directed by Dan Allen.

Jessie's dad (Stuart Packer) will die in a hospital bed as the world is convinced he is a lunatic.  He emerged from a cave with tales of a toothy creature that eats everyone.  Jessie (Megan Purvis) believes him and takes his notebook and runs back to the cave in question.  Her goal...prove her dad was not insane.  Also along for the buffet, er, adventure, I mean, are her buddies Sam (Jake Watkins), Marty (Tom Taplin), and Joanna (Georgie Banks).  As soon as they get near the cave, two rangers warn them to turn back.  Also, Marty begins hearing ghostly whispers that no one else hears.  Bickering ensues and the quartet enter the cave very ill equipped.

Uh oh...something, or someone I should say, is also down there.  Cannibalistic humans who have been driven insane by the darkness, solitude, and the predatory creature.  The quartet's quest is derailed as they find themselves under attack from the cannibals and the monster.  The deaths will be excruciating.  The creature does not stay hidden and it is a toothy beast that likes to chomp down on human flesh.  Now Jessie, who really did not have a plan in the first place, must suffer the consequences of being ill prepared.

Will Jessie or any of her buddies make it out of the cave uneaten?  Who are these cannibalistic underground humans?  Is the carnage in the cave a thinly veiled metaphor for social inequality in western civilization?  This last question was designed to make me look brilliant...we can ignore it.  For an uncomfortable and claustrophobic creature feature, see "It Came from Below."

Thursday, February 3, 2022

Dire Wolf, Genetically Engineered Wolf Eats California

Okay...a genetically engineered wolf murdering tons of folks.  A film directed by Fred Olen who are the victims?  Why not a bikini babe in the wilderness being shot for a calendar?  Gratuitous cheesecake in horror movies is always a good thing and Mr. Ray delivers.  Thank you Summer Harlow for some nice cheese before getting your organs ripped out and sad, but also so satisfying. Mad scientists, babe scientists, a sheriff reminiscent of "Rain Man," a hunk game warden, and more babes in much peril...oh yes...blood and guts to the max...and a great creature!  Today we look at 2009's "Dire Wolf." 

The aforementioned monster escapes from his cryogenic tank at a secret military lab near a sleepy California town.  This bad news is immediate for sultry scientist (Amanda Krzys) as her and a couple security guards are shredded by the thing.  Now the wolf monster heads to Sheriff Parker's (Maxwell Caulfield) town.  Parker reminds his townsfolk of Rain Man and he can really arrange pens and pads on his desk.  His son, the hunk game warden Jim (Blake Cooper Griffin) is smarting after being dumped by the nubile Amber (Kimberly Horner).  Oh yes, Gil Gerard, playing a general, sends two secret agents (John L. Curtis and Kristen Howe) to recover the experiment alive.  But wait!  One babe scientist not harmed is Tina (Dawn Ann Billings), who seems psychically connected to the thing.

The wolf thing starts murdering townsfolk...fishermen...Amanda's new beau...rednecks...government types...and sadly, the aforementioned bikini babe.  The creature loves leaving his victims with their ribcage exposed and organs lacking.  The blood will spurt and splatter like you have never seen before.  We really feel for this bikini model as the wolf looked like it was contemplating raping her, too.  Anyway, as Sheriff Parker plans on detailing his police cruiser and polishing his badge, Jim frantically heads into the woods to rescue Amber with the government spooks in tow.

Despite the escape of their genetically engineered creature, will our government claim the experiments need to continue because Putin hid weapons of mass destruction in The Ukraine?  Is an out of control government project raping and disemboweling a nubile bikini babe an obvious metaphor for how our government has waged war on everything good and pure about our country?  Will Summer Harlow's disembowelment put an end to our chance at getting her calendar?   Bloody with lots of cheese, "Dire Wolf" needs to move to the front of your "To See" movie queue.   

Tuesday, February 1, 2022

Virgin Cheerleaders in Chains, Oh yes!

We have everything we need here.  Sultry cheerleaders...and yes they are chained up.  Virgins? But we don't need to be sticklers, here.  Even better, one is a lesbian exotic dancer.  Some will be disemboweled by a cannibal family.  They'll scream a lot and be very helpless at times.  Today we have 2018's "Virgin Cheerleaders in Chains," directed by Paulo Biscaia Filho and Gary McClain Gannaway.

Shane (Ezekiel Z. Swinford) and his girlfriend, Chloe (Kelsey Pribilski) want to make a movie.  Shane's screenplays always get rejected so he and Chloe decide to make their own film..."Virgin Cheerleaders in Chains."  Need a leading lady?  The duo go to a strip club and see Amber (Elizabeth Maxwell) do a pole dance.  Amber is excited to be cast in this low budget horror film and two more strippers, Ginger (Lindsey Lemke) and Julie (Ammie Masterson) will also be cast.  A bunch more of Chloe's and Shane's buddies will also be in the cast or crew.

The crew finds a creepy old mansion to set their film.  Uh is inhabited by a cannibal family who makes snuff films.  Now the gals, dressed as cheerleaders, but still not virgins, will be in much peril and some will lose their insides.  Chainsaws, machetes, hedge clippers, and bear traps will be used to the max as so many of the babes will die horribly.  Uh oh...Chloe is worried that Amber may be stealing her guy, Shane.  Hence a surprise and a very erotic scene is included here.  Fingers will be clipped, babes will be gutted, bear traps will clip off faces, and Dobermans will even get in the action.

Can any of the dweeb guy moviemakers save any of the babe-talent?  Does the plot or acting matter if nubile cheerleaders in much peril are in the plot?  Are virgin cheerleaders the new plot device that will take Hollywood by storm replacing annoying woman who are grouchy because they aren't paid as well as men?  Be a man...avoid any of those stupid Meryl Streep films and put on "Virgin Cheerleaders in Chains."