Summerhouse Slaughter, Cheerleaders Melted

Whether impaled, shot, or thrown from tall buildings, there is something that has us all cheering when cheerleaders get murdered...in film. Maybe they remind us of the gals who would never date us.  Or the gals who always got the boy you wanted.  Ditzy, blonde, tanned, and perfect.  None of us have been graced with perfect looks.  Besides, what would so many slashers do without these babes?  In today's feature, the beauties will get melted in an inspiring opening scene. Our film today is 2023's "Summerhouse Slaughter," directed by Dustin Ferguson. 

Six sultry high school cheerleaders running through their routine at a summer cheer camp are melted when the sprinkler is turned on and acid splashed on them instead of water.  Their skin will melt off their bones and their faces will drip down into their cleavage.  A horrible mistake?  Murder?  The next year, cheerleader coach, Ms. Paddington (Jennifer Banko) brings six more high school lovelies to this same camp. Courtney (Jazmyne Van Houten) is constantly ragging on Tanya (Julia Farrell). Courtney is upset that Tanya has been allowed in this camp despite coming from a poor family. Courtney has plans for Tanya which include a giant panda and a bear trap...don't ask, just go with it. Well, when the panda gets killed, the fiend dresses up as a panda and starts stalking the cheerleaders. You gotta like gritty reality.

One by one the gals die in some really unique ways. The panda has a javelin and impales the lovelies in some very private places.  No babe is safe in the bath tub, and gratuitous baths will be interrupted. Tanya emerges as a potential final girl and as the film progresses we think she may indeed be the killer.  Courtney, the b@#$h, gets meaner and we sense her demise will be quite prolonged and bloody.  We like the gals...well, maybe not...and cringe when they are murdered in such fiendish ways.

Will this cheerleading squad be massacred off completely just like last year's squad at this camp?  Is the killer one of the cheerleaders or some creepy caretaker (Ari Lehman)?  There are references in this movie to Cropsy in "The Burning."  Will any of these cheerleaders be deemed too beautiful to die or will this film follow the Giallo principles?  See "Summerhouse Slaughter" and do your own cheering.  

Naked After Midnight, Unrest in the Exotic Dancer Community

I know what you are asking.  You see Christine Nguyen and Erika Jordan both play strippers in this one and are wondering if this is just a gratuitous exploitation film, heavy on the T&A, with no redeemable cinematic value other than dirty stripping and maybe a semblance of a simple plot that will be ignored?  Oh, come on.  Do you think I would stoop this low and highlight a stripper-exploitation film on my blog? Well, I prefer to call it an exotic dancer exploitation film.  Of course, the answer is yes.  Yeah, yeah...there will be a ghost that pops up as often as the tally-whackers of the strip clubs customers. And yes, it is more sophisticated than those "Star Wars" films.  So enjoy my review of the 2014 Fred Olen Ray film "Naked After Midnight." Who would you rather look at, Carrie Fisher (gag me with a spoon) or Christine Nguyen and Erika Jordan?

Okay, Duffy (Jeneta St. Clair) performs at the Candy Cat strip joint and some psycho follows her into the back alley and blows her away. One stripper down, but not the last. Her murder is lead story on the evening news as reported by babe anchorwoman Constance (Catherine Annette).  Uh oh, Constance breaks down during the story as Duffy was her sister. The too helpful producer John (Tim Abell) is understanding and convinces Constance to take a few days off. Tim is in love with Constance but she is not in love with him. Constance has an idea...a bad one. Go into the Candy Cat and get a job as a stripper and find her sister's murderer.  Club manager Rikki (Tawny Kitaen) hires her and introduces her to the other dancers. Other dancers? There is Zoey (Nguyen) who is very nice. There is Tina (Jordan) who is a b$#@h.  There are a few others and you will see them all perform, a lot.

Uh oh...more murders.  Some of the seedy customers who are also suspects buy the farm.  Even one or two of the lovely strippers bite the dust.  Uh oh, again.  We find out more about the dead Duffy who keeps showing up to haunt Constance.  Duffy tells Constance to help her. Hey!  It's Richard Grieco as Constance's shrink.  Constance has a shrink? For what? More stripping. Zoey gives us a good number and so does Tina and a few more.  These actresses have apparently done this all before.  Uh oh...the last 20 minutes of this film turn this exploitation idiocy into a creepy ghost and murder mystery. Surprises abound and Zoey and Erika keep dancing.  Plot devices are added making this film a twisted but effective story of...well, you'll see.

Will Zoey and Tina end up in a catfight or is that asking just too much?  Will Constance catch her sister's killer before she herself is offed?  What does Richard Grieco know about our anchorwoman turned stripper that we would like to know? This one has a lot of cheesecake and better acting than "Star Wars."  For some surprising thrills and prurient entertainment, see "Naked After Midnight."  

Shark Night 3D, Bikini Babe vs. Sharks and Rednecks

Sara Paxton in a bikini is just what a predictable shark film needs.  She'll spend the entire film in the bikini thrusting her chest and pelvis and dripping wet in either sweat or swamp water.  Sure this film has twists, but you horror enthusiasts will see them coming from a mile away.  There will be hunks and babes who will serve no other purpose than to be shark food.  Sara Paxton, however, she'll wear that bikini so well, we'll pull for her very unsympathetic character to survive.  Today we look at 2011's "Shark Night 3D," directed by David R. Ellis.

Some Tulane University students are going on a long weekend to Sara's parents vacation home in the bayou.  I know, go to Gulf Shores or Destin, instead.  No...these idiots voyage into an island oasis in the swamp.  Uh oh...Sara's ex-boyfriend Dennis (Chris Carmack) is still living in the swamp and is not happy to see Sara is sweet on college boy Nick (Dustin Milligan).  Also along is the sultry Beth (Katharine McPhee) who gives us some nice strip scenes and bikini scenes.  Her cleavage is key in this plot... really! Okay, the kids begin having fun.  Sara sunbathes in that bikini while the rest of them go waterskiing.  The sharks eat throw-away babe Maya (Alyssa Diaz) and bite her BF's, Malik (Sinqua Walls), arm off. Now Sara and Dennis try to get Malik trauma help as he bleeds out.  Here comes Dennis and fellow redneck Red (Joshua Leonard).  They are too helpful and have dastardly deeds planned for Sara and friends.

Okay, Dennis and Red do all sorts of awful stuff to Beth after making her strip.  She'll be humiliated by these two brutes and fed to eel like sharks.  So sad, but while she lasted, Katharine McPhee was some nice eye candy.  Soon Sara, her new BF Nick, the dying Malik, and Blake (Chris Zylka) realize the shark, or sharks, are the least of their problems.  Red and Dennis prove to be lunatics with shark fetishes and this won't bode well for the bikini babe and her surviving friends.

Will Sara the bikini babe survive the sharks and her old boyfriend?  Did the makers of this film goof badly by feeding Katharine McPhee to the sharks when a good bikini catfight could have occurred between her and Sara?  Does a dripping wet and thrusting bikini role for Sara Paxton count as her magnum opus?  Stupid, gratuitous, and flowing with blood, cheese and beef, "Shark Night 3D" is a fun summertime movie. 

Terror Aboard, Homicide on the High Seas

We have one from 1933 today!  This is one with an extremely large death count as so many of the characters will be murdered on screen in so many different ways by one lone psycho.  We also have one of the earliest shark attacks ever put on the silver screen.  A nubile blonde in great peril, always a good thing in these films.  A square jawed, though not too adept, potential hero.  They'll die faster than you can count in this one, so put your life vest on and enjoy "Terror Aboard," directed by Paul Sloane.

As the film begins the seemingly derelict luxury yacht Dulcina is spotted in the south seas.  What happened?  No one on board is alive, the life boats are gone, and a couple of corpses of schmucks who died very mysteriously are found on board.  One blonde babe (Verree Teasdale) is found on deck frozen to death in 100 degree weather. So here is what the flashbacks tell us.  The owner of the boat, Max Kreig (John Halliday) receives a telegram.  Because of his bank fraud, he has been indicted for larceny and will be arrested at next port, Sydney, Australia.  Max keeps the matter secret but murders the ship's telegraph operator, as he knows of the message.  Max loves the sultry blonde Lili (Shirley Grey) and will marry her in Sydney.  Lili loves someone else, but her love, James (Neil Hamilton) is not on the yacht...yet.

Max has an idea.  Murder everyone on board, escape to an uninhabited island with Lili, and evade prosecution.  Now he must go about murdering everyone.  He sews seeds of suspicion on other officers on board.  Blackie (Charles Ruggles) as the steward has an apparent comedic role, but when Max murders his girlfriend, the chambermaid Lena (Leila Bennett), he teams up with James to protect Lili.  Yep, James has arrived.  Finding out Max has stolen his love, James crashes his airplane into the drink to be rescued by the doomed yacht.  Now James can protect Lili and it won't be long before he, Lili, and Blackie know Max is total psycho.  Max is now an experienced killer and he gets mighty good at it.

Do James, Lili, and Blackie have a shot at surviving the wrath of Max?  Will anyone else survive, or will Max wipe out all the rest of the passengers and crew...which would make this the bloodiest movie of all time?  What does a man-eating shark have to say about all this?  For an extremely clever film with a lot of imaginative death scenes, and a babe blonde in peril, see "Terror Aboard." 

Intruders, Agoraphobic Horror

Sure she's blonde and attractive.  Helpless, nubile, half-crazy, and vulnerable.  Then add men to the mix.  Men!  Brutes!  Misogynists!  Those awful grunting would-be hunks.  Can a beautiful and vulnerable blonde survive this recipe?  Even worse, our babe is agoraphobic...leaving her house is not an option.  She's that vulnerable!  Our feature today is 2015's "Intruders," directed by Adam Schindler.

Anna (Beth Riesgraf) is our aforementioned babe agoraphobic. Something buried deep in her past has gave her this psychological disorder.  As the film begins she is tending to her cancer-ridden brother (Timothy McKinney)...but he'll die.  Now Anna is alone and unable to exit her front door.  A kindly milquetoast delivery guy, Dan (Rory Culkin) brings her her meals and cheers her up everyday. Uh oh, the day of the funeral arrives, and Anna gets all dolled up in black.  Yep...you guessed it.  She's too afraid to actually leave the house to attend her brother's funeral.  Three brutes, who read obituaries, figure Anna's house will be vacant and show up.  They break in to rob the place and find Anna.  JP (Jack Kesy), his brother Vance (Joshua Mikela), and the pure psycho Perry (Martin Starr) soon find Anna, beat her up, duct tape her, and try to get her to tell them where all the money is.  They also figure out she is agoraphobic.

Now Nora figures these three baddies do not plan to let her live.  They use one another's names and do not wear masks.  Nora gets free from her binds and the chase throughout the house in on again.  Uh oh!  Anna is hardly who the three brutes figured she was.  Now the three brutes are on the run and they are not faring well.  Anna has secrets and so does the house.  The real reason why Anna is agoraphobic is revealed and it is horrific.  It may also spell the doom for these three intruders.  Gore, torture, rape, blood, and depraved motives rule the second half of this film.  Not the feel good film of 2015, but still a brutal horror yarn.

Are all blonde babes in reality closet psychos?  Will we still be cheering for the nubile Anna even after she turns predator?  Is there hope that whatever Anna has planned for the three intruders, will cure her of her agoraphobia?  This is a good one and quite ominous at times.  Who is a good guy and who is a monster is separated by a blurred line in this film.  See "Intruders" and rethink who the real villains are in our society.      

Tormented, The Slut vs. The Pigs

Slut? Is she really a slut? I know, it is a relative term. The whole high school and community thinks she is one. Let us not be too judgmental. After all, can't a slut be a hero? Can't a slut be a good guy in the battle against evil forces? Aren't sluts useful at times? I agree...this isn't a productive discussion, so let us dive into today's film, 2014's "Tormented" (aka "Berkshire County").

Pretty redhead Kylie (Alysa King) is pressured into giving her BF Marcus (Aaron Chartrand) oral sex at a Halloween party. Dressed as Little Red Riding Hood, she stays down on him for quite a while while he pulls out his phone and films it all. He will post the video for all to see and Kylie will be the last to know she is America's newest porn star. Totally shamed she arrives at a secluded mansion to tend to two crumb crunchers, Phoebe (Madison Ferguson) and Sam (Christophe Gallander). Their mom calls Kylie a slut and then heads to a party. Kylie isn't the warmest of babysitters but she will get a chance at heroics when three fiends clad in pig masks descend upon the mansion and cut the phone lines.

Now the three pigs led by Swine (Bart Rochon) inflict terror and break into the house. Kylie will put up a great fight but the two kids will be abducted and put in the back of their truck. What else is in the truck? You'll see. Now Kylie plays cat-and-mouse with her three tormentors and she has manned-up. A horrific aspect to this story is one of the pigs is a child (Leo Pady)...and he is also a homicidal maniac. The cops are useless, you'll see, and our three maniacs are a bit more sophisticated than they initially let on. Now Kylie turns into an assassin but her tormentors are ready.

Will Kylie save the two children in her care? Who are these pig tormentors and what do they want with Kylie and the children? Can a teenage girl be a slut and a bad-a** hero? Warning, the ending will be shocking and gory. Whatever mistakes Kylie has made at a drunken Halloween party, she has a chance at redemption...if she survives. Directed by Audrey Cummings, "Tormented" will shock your sensibilities and delve into some taboo.

The Return of Dracula, Vampire Hits California

Bringing Dracula, or a Dracula-like figure to the States is not an uncommon theme.  We all remember "Count Yorga, Vampire" or the "Kolchak: The Night Stalker" TV show. Today we have one of the earliest attempts at this.  Say what you want about today's feature but the Mina-like character is a true babe, and we like her. Unlike Wynona Ryder in the Francis Ford Coppola effort, Norma Eberhardt is a real actress and we like her.  Unlike Ms. Ryder, Ms. Eberhardt looks like someone we'd want to date and would not yell at us for every little thing we do. Just saying..  Today we look at 1958's "The Return of Dracula," directed by Paul Landres. 

The posse is on his tale so Dracula (Francis Lederer) has to get out of Dodge, I mean Europe. He sneaks onto a train and meets an artist, Bellack (Norbert Schiller).  Bellack is heading to the States to live with his relatives in California. Yep, Dracula murders him and takes his identity. Now Dracula shows up at the Mayberry-type residence.  These folks are salt of the earth and the nubile daughter, Rachel (Eberhardt), is quite a dish. Dracula thinks so, too.  Uh oh, Rachel has a boyfriend, Tim (Ray Stricklyn). He's a good sort and puts up with all Rachel's moods. God bless him. Uh oh, Dracula wants her.  He's a strange sort to his hosts who believe he's cousin Bellack.  For instance he takes the mirror down in his room, doesn't appear in daylight, and is afraid of crosses, but we shouldn't be judgmental. 

Okay, now Bellack sets his shop up in an abandoned mine.  He has a coffin for him and one for Rachel for when he turns her.  In the  mean time he bites Jenny (Virginia Vincent) and turns her into his vamp. Uh oh for Dracula, a European cop, Merriman (John Wengraf) hits town on his trail. Now Bellack, sensing danger, makes his move for the nubile lass that is Rachel. Her resistance will be futile, but don't fear...there are men in this film who know what needs to be done and how to do it.  These men are non-existent in today's America...hence we are incapable of winning a war, putting a man on the moon, or building a wall (this review was written last year). 

Yep, the purity of America went out the window when real men went by the wayside! Will Dracula be able to bite and turn Rachel into his bride?  Will the European cop be able to carve a nice stake out of a baseball bat (those same bats are made out of aluminum today)? Will Jenny, with her white negligee falling off, seduce any of the town's guys and maybe some of the town's babes?  Okay, that last question was of a prurient nature. For a neat vampire film that could be shown to the whole family, see "The Return of Dracula." 

Spare Parts, A Girl Punk Band Goes Gladiator

The Ms. 45s!  Yep...a babe punk band. Four ladies who can scream, beat up the audience, bicker, and ultimately kill.  Gotta love the name of the band.  This is a gory one with a bit of taboo in some of the plot lines.  Alas, the four lovelies in this band may not stay lovely.  Our feature today is the 2020 very bloody "Spare Parts," directed by Andrew Thomas Hunt.  Think amputation and Steampunk.

The Ms. 45s complete a gig.  A brawl ends the concert but the babes sell merch afterwards. Amy (Michelle Argyris) is the lead singer and is always bickering with her sister Emma (Emily Alatalo), the guitarist. Also in the group is the newly pregnant Jill (Chelsea Muirhead) and her lesbian lover Cassy (Kiriana Stanton).  I know...you do not need much more information to see this is not going to a pleasant place.  Warning...what will happen to Jill's unborn baby...well...you may not want to continue. For all you non-wusses, let's continue. After a wild car chase, the gals are gassed and wake up with their right arms amputated. The squeamish will turn their heads as we get to see one of these amputations done by a surgeon (Erin Noble).  Now the gals are prisoners in a junkyard world run by the emperor (Julian Richings) who is a cult like figure.  His second in command, and son Sam (Jason Rouse) is sweet on Emma.

Okay, the gals are teamed up and put up against other deviants and bikers.  Just like gladiators in ancient Rome, the gals are fitted with weapons.  Only, their weapons are attached to where their arms used to be. A machete, a sledgehammer, a spike...they are also switchable.  The gals are trained up and do a great job. Uh oh, the pregnant Jill is murdered in the ring immediately.  They killed a pregnant dame?  No, sadly her baby is in a jar being held by the emperor.  Yep, this is a sick one.  The gals are brainwashed but Amy is determined to murder all the junkyard cultists and gain freedom.  A lot of battle and gladiator scenes follow.  Decapitations and impalements will be thrown at you in rapid succession.

Will Amy be able to survive and lead the other gals in her band to freedom?  Will the bickering between sisters Emma and Amy be the greatest impediment to surviving this tortuous predicament?  Would the development of a third chord or a familiarity with melody have saved the Ms. 45s from the almost certain ruination they now face?  See "Spare Parts," that is if you can take it.

Piglet, English Babes Butchered by Giant Pig

From the U.K. a biting political commentary on the horrific reign of terror of Keir Starmer. Yep, sultry dames will die horribly, though some will be cut up first. This one has no relation to the "Winnie-the-Pooh" stories. Sledgehammers, pick-axes, machetes, carving knives, meat hooks, and shot guns will be utilized by a behemoth escaped convict on English babes. The dames won't even be safe in bikinis in hot tubs, if you can believe that.  Today we look at a bloody and grim one (just like Keir Starmer and the Labour Party), 2025's "Piglet," directed by Andrea M. Catinella.

Piglet (Alexander Butler) used to be a runt. A mad scientist at a prison experimented on him, and now he is a behemoth lunatic. He'll kill three guards and escape...oh, he also killed half the prison population. Now he finds his brother, Hogarth (Jerry Vinogradov), who is a weird caretaker of a campsite in the woods. Along comes Susie (Shayli Reagan), a babe.  She and seven friends will celebrate Susie's sister's birthday, Kate (Alina Desmond)...she is 21. The sultry Judith (Valery Danko) will get high soon.  Oh, two blonde babes, Alex (Lauren Staerck) and Diane (Alina Varakuta) will have steamy lesbian make-out sessions in the hot tub and exchange a lot of spit. Hogarth tells his brother, piglet, he can have the girls and he can pick one to be his mate.

Piglet goes bananas.  Diane will give us a nice shower scene, but be axed before the water gets hot.  One by one, the babes are felled, cut up, hung up by meat hooks, and humiliated. Like the Keir Starmer government, this film is incredibly misogynistic.  The babes will be covered in blood and desperately trying to flee Piglet.  Piglet is seemingly invincible and has chosen his mate.  Susie will do anything to protect her younger sister, Kate, and she might have to give her life to do so. Kate is not keen on losing her sister to the pig man, thus will go a little mad herself in order to combat him.  

Will any of the babes survive the wrath of Piglet, or will they all be eaten or used as breeding stock? Is the treatment of these babes by the monster a metaphor for what Brits are subject to in their National Health Service?  Do two hot blonde lesbians in bikinis making out and swapping a lot of spit in a hot tub ever have a chance to survive in these movies? Gratuitous, gory, a mammoth kill-count, and erotically steamy, see "Piglet" and don't get too attached to any of the babes in this film. 

Revenge, Slut Goes Psycho

Wow!  All right...picture this.  A sultry slut in panties and a skimpy top is impaled by a tree branch.  Losing blood fast, she gets down off the tree, yanks the tree branch out of her torso, cauterizes the wound with an aluminum beer can and a cigarette lighter, grabs a shotgun...and goes on a hunt for humans!  Oh!  The cauterized wound?  Now she has the imprint of a beer can logo on her abdomen. In movies, we love sluts.  We don't want our kids to become them or date one.  Still, they beat "strong," "empowered," and independent women who always try to remind you that they had to work twice as hard to achieve what any man has achieved...yawn!  Give me the skank any day of the week. Our feature today is the French film (most of it is in English, no need for subtitles), 2017's "Revenge," directed by Coralie Fargeat.

Jen (Matilda Lutz) is all skank.  The young gal accompanies an older man, the hunk Richard (Kevin Janssens) to a luxury vacation home in the Moroccan desert.  He's married and his kid has his first communion in a few days.  Jen doesn't care and wants Richard to divorce his wife and marry her.  The two have a lot of deviant sex.  Then Richard's Russian mobster buddies arrive.  Stan (Vincent Colombe) and Dmitri (Guillaume Bouchede) are boorish brutes.  The trio are heavily armed as they plan on a hunting weekend in t he desert.  While Richard is out acquiring hunting licenses, Stan rapes Jen.  The brute Stan was so enthralled at Jen's lap dance the prior evening, he figured she wanted it.  She didn't.  

Jen does not want to drop it and the trio of men push her off a cliff in the desert.  She'll be impaled on a tree and left for dead.  Just like Joe Biden is finding out, if you want to kill someone...make sure he or she is dead when you leave the scene.  Through some gory self surgery and some hallucinogenic peyote, Jen recovers and goes on her own personal hunt.  She will be unmerciful.  Blood will be everywhere and the kills will be quite gory.  We cheer for Jen as we like skanks in our films.  Wearing practically nothing, our slut is quite brutal on her heavily armed foes.  The blood will increase the further into the film you get.

Will Jen complete her mission and off Richard, Stan, and Dmitri?  Is Jen a metaphor for the return of beauty to western civilization after the hideous direction women have gone in the Modern Era of wokeness?  Should trashy ornate star earrings and false eyelashes be required for women heroines in film?  You guys will like this film, largely because of the violence and Matilda Lutz.  You babes will love this film largely because of the fashion ideas gleaned from the Jen character.  You woke idiots will detest this film.  See "Revenge" and enjoy a film a real man and a real woman will love. 

The Lair, Monsters in Afghanistan

So you think you know all you need to know about American involvement in Afghanistan.  Ha!  You obviously did not ask Neil Marshall.  Forget about the Taliban, though they are in our feature today.  Forget about that Usama guy.  Nope  Think alien invasion and Soviet mad scientists  Is "Soviet" and "mad scientist" in the same sentence superfluous?  Oh, for Neil Marshall fans, the heroine in this one is named Kate Sinclair...perhaps a tip of the hat to our favorite Neil Marshall character, Eden Sinclair (Rhona Mitra).  Our feature today is 2022's "The Lair."

A British fighter jet gets shot down by the Taliban.  The pilot, Kate (Charlotte Kirk) ejects and immediately gets into a firefight with the Taliban.  She kills dozens of them but is chased into a weird Soviet bunker.  Down there, monsters join the war and kill her pursuers, but Kate escapes and is rescued by Americans.  These American troops are not impressive.  They look like the types of troops that idiot General Mark Milley would love.  Of course, Milley is nowhere around...he's probably sipping wine and eating brie at a DC cocktail party as real men and women do the fighting...okay, back to the film.  Yep, the monsters eventually follow Kate and the Americans to their base and attack.  The attack will be brutal and the commanding officer, Finch (Jamie Bamber) figures out what they are and radios American CIA spooks...who are masters in cover-up.  Now Kate, Finch, some British SAS brutes, some American GI rejects, a Taliban guy, and the hunk Sgt Hook (Jonathan Howard) enter into an unwinnable war.

Kate comes up with an idea after learning what these things are.  Aliens from outer space?  Humans who had their genes experimented with?  A Soviet creation?  You'll see.  The brilliant idea is to take the war to the monsters.  They are gnarly and slimy humanoid beasts with long tongues and a probing eyeball...you'll see.  The monsters enjoy eating humans and Kate and the boys have another problem.  The Taliban is on the way.  Bigger problem...the CIA spooks believe in cleaning up their messes and leaving no loose ends.  Yep...A MOAB bomb is also on the way.  What is a MOAB bomb?  You'll see.

Will Kate and the boys defeat the monsters and the Taliban?  Do the monsters want to eat Kate or do they have other plans for her?  Are the monsters a metaphor for the incompetence of General Mark Milley and General Mattis that made the conflict in Afghanistan such an utter failure?  We don't get enough monster in Soviet bunker movies, so enjoy "The Lair."            

Winnie-the-Pooh: Blood and Honey, Someone Had a Rotten Childhood

Wow!  I just finished watching today's blog entry.  The creators of this film seemed to have had a rotten childhood.  Either that or they are all divorced men with women issues.  A lot of nubile babes in this film, sadly, they won't just die horribly, they'll be put through the meatgrinder, crushed, beheaded, etc. Okay, I admit...when I was a kid I did find Winnie-the-Pooh annoying and Christopher Robin weird.  Anyone ever wonder what happened when Christopher Robin grew up? Ask no more.  Today we look at 2023's "Winnie-the-Pooh: Blood and Honey," directed by Rhys Frake-Waterfeld.

Christopher Robin (Nikolai Leon) brings his attractive wife, Mary (Paula Coiz) into the woods to see where he used to play with  his imaginary friends...Pooh (Craig David Dowsett), Piglet (Chris Cordell), and Eyor.  To Christopher they were real...and Mary is about to find that out. So distraught at being abandoned by Christopher, Pooh and Piglet ate Eyor and have sworn to murder any human they come across.  This won't bode well for Mary who will be caught by Pooh and Piglet, stripped off her bones, and fed to Christopher.  I'm sure this is a metaphor for something. Christopher is left strung up for whipping and other torture. Okay, we meet six or seven babes, most notably Maria (Maria Taylor).  She is brought to a vacation home by her sultry lesbian lover, Jessica (Natasha Rose Mills). Five other babes are invited. Sadly, Tina (May Kelly) will not make it to the cabin as Pooh will put her through a meatgrinder and make sausage out of her...again, this must be some sort of metaphor for unhappy college aged babes.

As Maria reveals her fear of men to Jessica and the other girls, Lara (Natasha Tosini) strips to a bikini and goes to take selfies in the hot tub...bad move.  She'll be carried away by Pooh and Piglet.  One by one, the now monsters go through babes like crap through a goose.  Some will put up a nice fight but as soon as sledgehammers or machetes are introduced into the melee...they will fall. Of course, our two lesbian lovers are on the run after escaping from the makeshift butcher shop, but just how far will they get?  Pooh and Piglet show no signs they can be reasoned with.  But wait!  Christopher Robin escapes his chains and is determined to help the surviving gals.

Is some part of us happy that Christopher Robin is being horrifically tormented for the sins of his past? Is the fate of the babes in this film a metaphor for what a woke culture does to women here in the 2020s?  Did Tina, after made into sausage, taste just like chicken?  This is a bloody and grim one.  The babes in this film may have provided a high cheese factor, but like a good Giallo film, don't get too attached to them.  See "Winnie-the-Pooh: Blood and Honey" for gory horror with a high kill count. 

The Killer Trainer, Lose a Few Pounds and Your Life

Just out of a relationship. His fault...not yours. Go back to the gym.  Lose a few pounds.  Get toned in all the right places. Put on some tight pants and a sports bra.  Sweat when the guys come by. Hire a personal trainer. What could go wrong?  Today's film has the answer for that...a lot!  Our feature today is 2018's "The Killer Trainer" (aka "Blood, Sweat, and Lies"), directed by Lane Shefter Bishop.

The sultry Melissa (Hannah Barefoot) dumps her boyfriend of five years. Good move. Now she is convinced by her sultry bestie, Leslie (Briana Lane) to go back to the gym.  The gym is a meat market. The personal trainer at the gym, Trey (Adam Huber) , takes an immediate liking to Melissa...as do we. Now she hires him to get her in better shape.  She'll sweat a lot. He'll look good ordering her around.  She gets in better shape. Uh oh...now it gets creepy.  Trey gives Melissa a bracelet to monitor her vitals.  Trey will keep an eye on these vitals and furiously grunt as Melissa's heart rate spikes during pre-marital sex, not with him though.  See, Melissa likes Trey but is not interested in dating him. Trey is obsessed with Melissa. Melissa finds a new BF, the hunk Adam (Matt Cedeno). Trey is not happy and begins sabotaging Melissa's life.  He'll take over her phone from his laptop and text Adam and Leslie trying to isolate Melissa.

Okay, it gets creepier.  Uh oh...we start to see that Trey's unhealthy attraction to Melissa existed long before she stepped into the club.  Even worse, the peeps in her life, including Adam and Leslie, are in mortal danger.  Viciousness touches all aspects of Melissa's life and it is apparent to her some psycho is after her...though she does not know it is Trey.  I must say Melissa gives us some nice scenes sweating, in tight work-out gear, and in throes of passion.  Trey is beefy, just not Melissa's type.  Unfortunately for Melissa, Trey will force the issue and get increasingly unhinged.

Sweaty babes in tight work-out gear need to make a comeback.  That aerobic gear from the 1980s is so missed.  Will Hannah ever figure out her trainer is a complete whack-ball?  Will there be sweaty sauna scenes?  Will Leslie and Adam survive to the end of the film?  This is a good one, but I must confess... mostly because Hannah Barefoot is quite a dish who looks good in tight work-out gear.  For a gratuitous movie going work-out, see "The Killer Trainer." 

The Stalker Club, Silly and Deadly Games

There is a lot to like about this throwback to 80s slasher films.  First, a great looking cast filled with young babes and hunks.  Second, a nice death count.  Third, a slasher who is actually a slasher, wielding a big knife and wearing a mask. Then cheerleaders. Cheerleaders? Yep. They have nothing to do with the film but make it to several of the scenes as background extras.  Hey, why not?  They could have used fat women with purple hair and piercings...yuck!  Today we look at the high school slasher film, 2017's "The Stalker Club," directed by Doug Campbell.

A high school clique of five friends all receive a mysterious text.  The text, from an unknown caller, invites them to join the Stalker Club.  High school kids tend to be idiots and in this film, this maxim is no exception...thus, all join. Game on. The rules? never mind, suffice it to say the five kids are then all stalked by a knife wielding, mask wearing stalker. Ashley (Kelcie Stranahan) is the babe we glob onto.  She is pretty and has a sad back story.  Her mom, Karen (Maeve Quinlan) has juts begun to date again after Ashley's father died two years ago. Darren (TJ Neal) is quite the cute hunk and seems hot for Ashley.  He also emerges as the #1 suspect. Chloe (Alex Frnka) is the sultry, stuck-up friend who is mean to everyone. Sadie (Lora McHugh) is a redheaded cutter and her chances of seeing the end credits are non-existent.  Then Mark (Paul Karmiryan) is the hunk BF of Chloe...but Chloe does not seem that in to him.

Each teen begins seeing the stalker outside their houses, and sometimes, inside their houses. Then the killings begin.  One by one the teens are preyed upon.  Everyone, except Ashley is suspect, even some teachers and parents. Oh, gratuitous cheerleader in the background shots will be appreciated...though, none will be harmed in the making of this movie. Ashley switches between smooching with Darren to accusing him of being the stalker.  Chloe looks like she wants to murder everyone, but then again, what high school babe doesn't?  Sadie and Mark are listed way down in the credits...so what does that tell you?  The knife is big and blood will flow.

Just who is the slasher and is there a reason he or she invited these kids to join the Stalker Club? Are one of these teens the stalker?  If cheerleaders were used the same way in Stanley Kubrick's "Barry Lyndon," would that have been a film we would have wanted to see?  For some gratuitous teen-age cheese and beef, and a lot of slashing, see "The Stalker Club."

The Lurker, A Mess with Scout Taylor-Compton

Okay...get over it.  It is better than those "Star Wars" monstrosities or that stupid TV show "The Mandolorian." Oh, you fans of the Marvel Universe! You have no credibility to hate on our feature today.  Sure, five of the ten most annoying character portrayals in film history are in this film today...and Liam Neeson isn't even in it. We do have an astronomical death count.  We have decapitations, chainsaws, big knives, high school babes and hunks dying in gory fashion, and each one of those annoying characters... well, they get it real good. Our feature today is the Scout Taylor-Compton 2019 slasher epic, "The Lurker," directed by Eric Liberacki...no, not the pianist guy.

Scout Taylor-Compton! She plays Taylor.  My goodness.  Okay, maybe she just got out of rehab or something, don't hate her because of this film. She's a high school student starring in the student production of "Romeo & Juliet." She's Juliet...a rather chunky Juliet, but there I go...can't go a sentence without body shaming someone, can I? Oh, she has a secret.  Secret is a relative term...everyone knows what it is and everyone is blackmailing her...and guess who begins dying?  Yep...her sultry classmates.  What is the secret? Or, non-secret? If everyone who knows is killed off, this will be the bloodiest slasher film of all time. That is what we are watching when we put this film on.

The Romeo of the play, a hunk named Miles (Michael Emery) knows the secret. He wants pre-marital sex with Taylor to keep it hush hush. His dad is played by Bruce Speilbauer...and you will want to jump into your TV screen and strangle him yourself.  Fear not...he won't last. Beheadings, throats slashed, guttings, and beautiful high school students getting their faces dumped in chemicals await. Oh, the production that stars Miles and Taylor? Well, Shakespeare is vomiting in his grave...you'll see as the most awkward dance scene will play out before your very eyes. 

Is Taylor the slasher or is that too easy?  What is Taylor's secret and how could it still be considered a secret if everyone knows what it is? Did anyone ever mention continuity during the production of this film? If you see Scout Taylor-Compton at a horror convention, do not mention this movie or she might have security remove you.  However, if you want a slasher film with dozens of gory kills and buckets of blood, see "The Lurker."