Friday, December 30, 2022

Dinosaurus! Two Dinosaurs, Two Babes, and Annoying Hunks

Chica!  She's sultry.  The dame has a Latin flare to her as she prances around usually in revealing outfits.  A barmaid/waitress with a sordid past.  The sensuous Lucita Blain portrays her with allure and passion.  Even better, Chica is a demolitions expert that wins revolutions and goes to war against dinosaurs.  Sadly, she is not a major part of 1960's "Dinosaurus!"  This film is directed by Irvin S. Yeaworth, Jr.  We wonder if the fact that Ms. Blain was reduced to a minor role had anything to do with her refusal to sleep with the producer.

Not a minor role, Betty (Kristina Hanson).  Conspicuous as Betty seems totally irrelevant other than looking great in swimsuits and fending off caveman rape.  Anyway, a dredging crew on a small Caribbean island, headed by hunk Bart (Ward Ramsey), unearths two dinosaurs.  Initially frozen, the monsters (a Brontosaurus and a Tyrannosaurus Rex), they'll, of course, thaw.  Betty loves Bart and looks great in a swimsuit.  Also unearthed is a caveman (Gregg Martell).  Annoying or cute, you decide, is little boy Julio (Alan Roberts).  The three pre-historic beings are animated during a lightning storm.  Oh yes, the evil island manager Mr. Hacker (Fred Engelberg) sees the three unearthed things as a cash cow.

Okay, the dinosaurs run rampant around the island.  The T-Rex eats people and the Brontosaurus gives Julio rides.  Julio befriends the caveman and then both ride the big dinosaur.  Betty?  She'll almost get eaten by the T-Rex and saved by the caveman.  Uh oh...the caveman orders her to cook, clean, and lay down on a straw mattress and satisfy him.  In the background, Chica is making bombs and displaying bare shoulders...yes!  Bart and Betty love one another and now Bart goes after the caveman to save Betty.  Chica?  Oh, why, oh why, can't this film be centered on this sultry Latin rebel?

Will Chica use her bombs to blow up Betty or the dinosaurs?  After experiencing the mating rituals of a caveman, will Betty ever look at Bart again the same?  Will we be treated to the T-Rex eating Julio?  Yes, the damsel and revolutionary in this film are sultry and give it a nice cheese factor.  The two dinosaurs are also kind of neat.  For some mindless fun, allure, and hokiness...see "Dinosaurus!"

Wednesday, December 28, 2022

FleshEater, Night of the Living Dead Rip-Off

Today we are quite done with zombies.  "The Walking Dead" went woke several seasons ago and we lost our appetite for the entire subgenre.  In 1988, this was not the case.  The world now had seen George Romero's "Dead" trilogy and hungered for more.  Not far from where Romero shot his original masterpiece, S. William Hinzman (the original zombie in "Night of the Living Dead") paid homage to it.  With lots of zombies, gore, and beaver (incidentally, this film is shot in Beaver Falls, Pennsylvania), we have 1988's "FleshEater."

Five college couples, all babes and hunks, go on an overnight hayride at Halloween.  Near their campsite, a farmer removing a stump unearths a cursed grave.  Out of the grave pops a ghoul (Hinzman), who eats the farmer's neck and spreads zombie death through the woods.  The college kids drink beer, have pre-marital sex, and will all die horribly in states of undress.  The exceptions are Bob (John Mowod) and Sally (Leslie Ann Wick).  After seeing their friends eaten and turned into zombies, they are on the run.  Reports of violence hit town and the cops are sent...and are eaten and turned.  A Halloween party filled with hunk and babe college kids is also invaded.

Say what you want about this rip-off of "Night of the Living Dead," but Mr. Hinzman finds better looking hunks and babes than Romero cast.  With a great cheese and beef factor, Pennsylvanians are eaten and turned in great number.  Bob and Sally fall deeper in love as they continue running for safety.  Oh yes, the taboo is shown on the silver screen as even a cute little girl dressed as an angel is bitten to become a bloodthirsty zombie.  She'll eat her dad.  Iron City Beer will flow as a posse is put to use.  Even a local news crew will hit the scene.  Having seen "Night of the Living Dead," there may not be too many plot surprises for you.  Still, the beef and cheese factor, thanks to Mr. Hinzman, is so great.

Will Bob and Sally meet a better fate than Ben did at the end of Romero's classic?  Will cheerleader zombies eat their fraternity dates?  Is it fitting that a zombie film with great cheese in it be filmed in Beaver Falls?  Low budget and filled with gore and shocking kills, "FleshEater" is a film you will want to see.  It was a zombie film before woke-ness killed the subgenre.  

Monday, December 26, 2022

Automation, Robot Carnage at Christmas

Sarah French films have appeared on my blog often.  Her, Debbie Rochon, and Ursula Andress may be in the lead as far as most prolific actresses to appear on Zisi Emporium for B Movies. Back in 2019, this sultry actress made a Christmas scifi/horror film about a cute robot turned maniacal killing machine.  Sadly, technology has and will continue to displace most humans in the employment world.  Even sadder, those robots who replace us...will be replaced as well.  Even sadder, the robots won't take it well.  Today we look at "Automation," directed by Garo Setian.

Bill (Jeff Rector) runs an insulation business.  His 2nd in command, the beautiful Susan (Sadie Katz) and tech guy Alan (Parry Shen) have invented a robot, call him Auto, who will enable the firm to lay off most employees.  Saving money and being more efficient are maxims that rule the day in this small company.  More lay-offs will soon be announced as better and more efficient robots will be introduced.  Alas, even Auto will be laid off (powered down).  Auto is almost human and develops a crush on purple haired babe employee, Jenny (Elissa Dowling).  The two have a tender thing going and she teaches Auto about human emotions.  Also kind to him is the office babe Linda (French).  Linda seems willing to also teach Auto, but the subject matter of the lessons may be a bit more carnal.

Sadly, Auto finds out about the layoffs and his impending powering down.  He's also attacked by an employee jealous that Linda and Jennifer dig his robotics.  Now Auto goes on a rampage,. crushing heads, strangling, and using his laser gun fist.  Uh oh...we find more about Auto's history and it is horrifying.  Now babes Linda and Susan, looking stunning in heels and tight skirts are now babes in peril.  Even more so, Jenny is imperiled as Auto wants her as his own.  Office politics and corporate efficiency rear their ugly heads and appear as monsters themselves, making us root for the rampaging robot at times.  Still, we do hope the babes prevail as they are...babes.

Will Auto soon be able to teach Jenny a thing or two about romance know?  Just what is in Auto's past that make his rampaging more horrific and bloodier?  Will Linda and Susan maintain their girlish figures and allure as lasers and crushing fists pursue them?  This is a fun one with messages that are so pertinent.  As corporate western civilization downplays the importance of humanity, perhaps what Auto inflicts on his employers is something we'll see more of in future headlines.  See "Automation," a Christmas scifi/horror film with a message.   

Saturday, December 24, 2022

The Projected Man, Mad Scientist Fries England

As government sponsored mad scientists continue to wreak their carnage on mankind, it is helpful to look at a film about one such government project gone wrong. Perhaps 1966's "The Projected Man" can serve as a terrific metaphor for the governmental mad scientists working at the CDC or the WHO or whatever EU version they have. Anyway, this fine horror/science fiction flick from England will have an insane mad-scientist and nubile blonde damsels in much peril, and a certain amount of carnage. 

Dr. Paul Steiner (Bryant Halliday) is perfecting a laser gun that can take matter, convert it to energy, and project it anywhere else on the planet. The next phase of the experiment is, of course, see if it works on humans. Think teleportation...but on the other end, a receiver is not needed. Arriving to help him is his former lover, Dr. Patricia Hill (Mary Peach). Uh oh...she will soon become the lover of Steiner's assistant, Dr. Chris Mitchell (Ronald Allen). Also present is Steiner's sultry secretary, Sheila (Tracey Crisp). We won't mention Sheila again...only to say she'll spend much of the film as a damsel in much distress in her undies. Okay, sabotage is going on. Steiner's boss, Dr. Blanchard (Norman Wooland) is behooved to an international interest seeking to steal the contraption.

Let us get to the meat and potatoes of the plot. Just before Sheila strips to her undies and screams, she helps Steiner put himself through the experiment. It works...kind of. What is 'projected' is Steiner...half man half grotesque and disfigured monster. Now whenever Steiner touches someone they are charred instantly. Now more mad than before he went through his own machine, Steiner tracks down Blanchard and his cohorts. He'll leave a trail of burnt corpses and screaming secretaries. Uh oh...Patricia and Chris will engage in pre-marital sex and a lot of kissing...and this is how Steiner will find them. Fortunately for them, Steiner needs their help...but to do what? Now a competent Inspector Davis (Derek Farr) is on Steiner's trail...and Sheila screams in some alluring blue undies. 

What does Steiner need Pat and Chris for? Will Steiner attempt to find true love with either the underwear clad Sheila or the naughty Patricia? Just what secret organization desires to steal Steiner's invention, and why? For some neat British horror featuring a mad scientist we can all live with, as opposed to the ones belonging to the governmental health organizations, see "The Projected Man." 

Thursday, December 22, 2022

Dinosaur Hotel 2, Chrissie Wunna vs. Monsters

Alas, she died horribly in "Nutcracker Massacre."  The beautiful Chrissie Wunna left us wanting.  Now she has returned in the franchise that may just be her magnum opus.  The "Dinosaur Hotel" franchise may not be cinematic genius but it is infinitely better than the last few "Indiana Jones" films.  Today we look at "Dinosaur Hotel 2," a sequel they said could never be made.  Directed by Jack E. Bell, this film gives us everything we want...Chrissie Wunna fighting monsters.

As you all know from the original, Dinosaur Hotel is a reality show.  Contestants arrive at the mansion to win millions in prize money.  Real dinosaurs are released and the last contestant who is not eaten wins.  There can be only one winner and contestants are encouraged to also murder their competition.  This episode is a reunion special.  Winners of the past seasons are brought back...not all, willingly.  Babe Sienna (Wunna) refuses to take part until the producers kidnap her two children.  Mya (Kelly Rian Sanson), a babe in a tight black outfit also refused, until her mother was kidnapped by the producers.  Psycho Jeremy (Osian Dixon), a ninja wannabe, is excited to be back.  Lara (Giedre Jackyte), a psycho Russian babe, is also happy to be back.  Jeremy and Lara begin murdering the other contestants.

The dinosaurs are released quickly.  Raptors, pterodactyls, and a T-Rex start eating contestants.  Now Sienna and Mya team up as they have loved ones in danger.  Jeremy and Lara begin hunting the others as now Mya and Sienna must elude monsters and humans.  Mya and Sienna look really good as they are in much peril.  Weapons will be had and Lara will grab a katana sword...yes!!!  None of the weapons will have any effect on the dinosaurs.  Even worse, Jeremy has found a pistol.

Will Mya and Sienna survive the psychos and monsters?  If the duo does survive, will the producers make them square off in a deadly catfight?  Is a Russian babe with a katana sword facing off against raptors just the perfect plot device of modern literature?  Chrissie Wunna looks great and is worth the price of admission, and dinosaurs on the prowl doesn't hurt either.  See "Dinosaur Hotel 2," as bad as it is so good!.    

Tuesday, December 20, 2022

They Crawl Beneath, Toothy Worms

Ah!  The fabulous Dr. Wu (Gar-Ye Lee).  She's Asian and a babe.  For those of you who don't know, Asian is Hollywood's way of telling us she's a brainiac. Genius she is.  She is the only one in our movie today who knows what is going on and how to combat it.  She figures it all out in just a few minutes.  Alas, this sultry Asian scientist will be eaten by a giant worm and only appear in the film for a few minutes.  Now, her demise is not as colorful as Taaffe O'Connell's erotic demise in "Galaxy of Terror," but whenever a babe is decimated by a worm, we pay attention.  Today we look at 2022's They Crawl Beneath," directed by Dale Fabrigar.

Danny (Joseph Almani) is a cop...not a very good one.  He hangs out with his Uncle Bill (Michael Pare).  Bill was a cop...not a very good one.  Gwen (Karlee Eldridge) is an anthropologist...not a very good one...but she is quite the babe and Danny's estranged girlfriend.  Gwen also is not a very good GF as she yells at Danny a lot.  Earthquake!  Now a hole opens up in Bill's garage and killer worms come out.  Initially, they're small ones and bite Bill in the leg.  A sample is sent to the genius babe, Dr. Wu.  Very sad.  The little worm will grow and eat the good doctor.  Gwen yells at Danny some more and we wonder what he sees in her...though she is quite good looking.

Subplots abound, we'll ignore them.  The worms grow.  Another earthquake hits, trapping Danny and Uncle Bill in the garage.  Danny is mad at Bill, and so is Gwen.  Appears Bill barfed on Gwen's mom as he was hitting on her.  Gwen needs to learn to be less judgmental.  Bill will succumb to worm venom and become a worm nest.  Danny will try to stay alive while the python sized worms invade the garage again and try to eat him.  Gwen has no clue and appears content to be perpetually mad.  This is a mystery as her mom has probably had enough time to clean herself off after Uncle Bill blew chow on her.  Now Danny is wounded and the worms are getting more hungry. 

If this film had a bigger budget would Dr. Wu have suffered the same fate as Taaffe O'Connell?  Even though Gwen is a real babe, is she worth it?  Is Gwen's mom's lack of a sense of humor the cause of all the trouble in this film?  Alas, Dr. Wu...we hardly knew her.  Do yourself a favor, skip the new "Avatar" monstrosity and see "They Crawl Beneath."  

Sunday, December 18, 2022

Play Dead, Rottweiler and Black Magic

Every year, 40,000 Americans get their throats ripped out by psycho Rottweilers {EMBELLISHMENT}.  Most Americans are not aware of these deaths as the CDC classifies all of them as COVID deaths {NOT AN EMBELLISHMENT}.  Today we have one from Troma and starring Yvonne De Carlo.  Mangy mutts, useless men, nubile damsels, and fangs!  Today we look at 1983's "Play Dead," directed by Peter Wittman.

Grouchy and wealthy Hester (De Carlo) is happy her sister has died...mysteriously.  Hester loved a man and her sister stole him from Hester.  Still holding a grudge, Hester gets Greta, a Rottweiler.  With some black magic, Hester casts a spell which will have Greta murder surviving relatives that she doesn't like.  She'll give Greta to her niece, the nubile Audrey (Stephanie Dunnam).  She is clueless but has a hunk boyfriend named Jeff (David Cullinane).  Like most men, Jeff is useless.  However, Jeff and Audrey will have quite an elongated and awkward pre-marital sex scene.  Greta is not pleased.  Greta won't be pleased either as she watches Jeff and Audrey then do it in the shower.  Strangely, we are on Greta's side.

Doing black magic routines in her basement, Hester sets Greta on her nephew and a few others she thinks may get in her way.  The dog is pans her murders well.  No fangs...but clever planning.  Greta is great at making the deaths look like an accident.  Sadly, the beautiful Monique (Carolyn Greenwood) gets it as she takes a bath.  Of no consequence to the story, Monique did strip and climb into a bubble bath.  I know, essential plot devices, like this, always find their ways into these stories.  Hester's killing spree sees great success as the cops are baffled.  Will anything stop Greta?

What does Hester have planned for Audrey?  Now that Monique is gone, will there be anymore nubile babes stripping and jumping into baths or hot tubs?  Does the CDC still classify animal attacks as COVID deaths?  Pretty tamed for Troma, "Play Dead" will tick off dog lovers.  Still, it is good to see Yvonne De Carlo away from her "The Munsters" role.  For a light Friday night creature feature, see "Play Dead."  

Friday, December 16, 2022

Boardinghouse, Nude and Lingerie Clad Babes Frolic and Blow Up

Yep!  We have the director's cut version.  All two hours and 35 minutes of it.  We have the magnum opus of Kalassu!  What do you mean...who's Kalassu?  She's only the...well...she's the...let's just say she'll wear see through lingerie well and frolic with other bikini babes, some of which will have their faces explode. Yep, today we look at 1982's "Boardinghouse," directed by John Wintergate.  It also stars a whole lot of babes who frolic in bikinis, take gratuitous showers, have pre-marital sex, catfights in hot tubs, and sometimes have their faces blow up.

Plot?  Seriously?  Fine...if you must, here goes. Playboy gadabout Jim (Wintergate) inherits a big house in Los Angeles.  The house was originally owned by two scientists who took telekinesis to a whole new level and died horribly.  To afford the house, Jim opens up a boarding house for sultry babes.  Ten move in including aspiring singer Victoria (Kalassu).  Jim is happy...his tenants prance around in their lingerie, swimsuits, or nothing.  They shower with him and have pre-marital sex with him.  Then Debbie (Lindsay Freeman) moves in.  Also moving in late is Pam (Cindy Warren).  Oh yes, while in see through lingerie, Jim convinces Victoria to practice mind control and telekinesis. 

Uh oh for Pam...she begins moving in on Victoria's agent and gets some nice contracts.  Pam's face won't survive this indiscretion, you'll see.  Oh yes, eventually, the beauties begin having gruesome accidents that include impalement and sharp edges.  Very gory.  Then, they'll begin dying mysteriously.  Cat fights in hot tubs and gratuitous sex will fill much of this film (after all, an hour of extra footage was added for the director's cut).  Now Victoria gets pretty good at mind control and the babes who have annoyed her are getting seriously hurt.  There will also be a pie fight and some embarrassing yogurt explosions...resulting in gratuitous shower scenes.   A showdown emerges when it is apparent Debbie may be an escaped lunatic with some acute telekinetic power. 

Enough.  Get it?  The important thing is the lingerie clad, or swimsuit clad, or nude babes frolicking, having pre-marital sex, or cat fights in hot tubs.  Sure...not all will stay beautiful, but that's fine with us. Every inch of this film will include lingerie or nudity...perhaps not doing this is where "Jupiter Ascending" went wrong.  Forget about dumb Hallmark Christmas films this month and enthusiastically turn on "Boardinghouse," all two hours and 35 minutes of it.         

Wednesday, December 14, 2022

Warbirds, Babe Soldiers Win WW2

Forget what you heard Quint say in the movie "Jaws."  The real story of how the 'bomb' was delivered is told in today's feature from our friends at Syfy.  May I also say, the lovely ladies in this film probably smelled better than Quint, anyway.  With allure, perfectly applied make-up, and stylish hairdos, the babes in this film are prepared to win World War 2.  Today we look at 2008's "Warbirds," directed by Kevin Gendreau. 

The sultry Maxine (Jamie Elle Mann) captains a bomber during WW2.  Her crew are all sultry babes, co-piloted by the ravishing Betsy (Shauna Rappold).  The bomber is summoned to Hawaii where a secret cargo is loaded onto it.  Also coming on the flight to a remote South Pacific Island is the serious but beefy Colonel Toler (Brian Krause). The babes are kept in the dark about the true nature of the cargo.  Uh oh...a storm and a monster bird cause the bomber to crash land on an uncharted island.  Uh oh again, the Japanese base on the island was wiped out by monster birds.  Now Krause and Maxine assert their authority as babe crew members begin dying horribly.

Four Japanese survivors emerge.  Then so do more monster birds.  One by one, soldiers and babes are taken away by the flying things and eaten.  Maxine's lovelies have a will fail horribly.  The Japanese soldiers realize what the cargo of the bomber consists of and now they try anything to sabotage repair efforts.  The monster birds seem to multiply.  More babes die horribly.  Meanwhile, Toler is under orders to deliver the cargo at all costs even if it means all the babes will die horribly.  What follows gets grim.  The reality of what happened at the end of WW2 is brought home in technicolor death.

Will Maxine be able to seduce Toler?  Will the Japanese survivors be able to prevent the destruction of their country?  Would a sultry band of babe soldiers be more help to the Ukrainian army than the idle 101st Airborne?  Grim and gritty, this film is not the feel good film of the 21st century.  See "Warbirds" and catch a Syfy film that is not as upbeat as most...but still filled with cheese and beef. 

Monday, December 12, 2022

No One Heard the Scream, Euro-Babe Gets Rid of a Body

High class hookers!  We just don't get enough films with these hard working ladies as the protagonist. Leave it to a film from Spain, Euro-Trash, to give us a Euro-Babe high class hooker in much peril.  Unlike in most Giallo films, our babe today won't have her throat cut or be cut into little pieces.  This is good, because today's feature is the magnum opus of Carmen Sevilla...Spanish babe!  Today we look at 1973's "No One Heard the Scream," directed by Eloy de la Iglesia.

Elisa (Sevilla) is a high class call-girl...servicing old men all around Europe.  While home, on a well deserved break, she witnesses her stud neighbor, Miguel (Vincente Parra), tossing his wife's (Maria Asquerino) corpse down an elevator shaft.  Elisa is initially frightened she will then be offed.  Witnesses, especially babe witnesses, usually do not fare well in these films.  Miguel has a better idea.  He will force Elisa, at gunpoint, to assist him in disposing of the body.  By doing this, Elisa will be an accomplice and not call the cops.  Elisa has no choice but to go to the bottom of the shaft with Miguel, collect the wife's bloodied body, and help Miguel dispose of it.  What could go wrong?  A lot.

Funny...Elisa shows a calmness and is actually a terrific help for Miguel.  This doesn't worry the first time killer...though it probably should.  As the two involve themselves with this sordid endeavor, they learn more about one another.  Then they fall in love...or do they?  Indications abound that each one of them may be plotting the other's demise.  Passion will engulf them.  Steamy sex.  Frolicking baths.  French kissing.  Intimate conversation.  Twists abound and we start thinking there is more going on here. 

Will either Elisa or Miguel try to kill the other?  Why did Miguel murder his wife?  Is anything about Elisa innocent and na├»ve?  Carmen Sevilla is captivating and seduces in every frame of film she is in.  Miguel is quite the hunk and we want to believe he had a good reason to murder his nagging wife.  Steamy and fast-paced, "No One Heard the Scream" is a fun thriller filled with murder, passion, and steamy sex. 

Saturday, December 10, 2022

Underground Monster, Octopus Creature and Recycling

We have one from China today!  This brings to my mind a couple of matters.  U.S. media isn't reporting it but local Taiwanese elections just concluded.  Results?  Fortunately for the Taiwanese, they have no resemblance to Georgia.  The U.S. backed ruling party was annihilated.  The pro-unification party kicked a**.  Next, Big Hollywood and James Cameron release the second "Avatar" movie.  Did anyone want this?  Total garbage.  As China watches the U.S. failures in Afghanistan and cowardice in The Ukraine, Taiwanese are choosing carefully.  So today, in the style of "Godzilla vs. The Smog Monster," we have 2022's "Underground Monster," directed by Huang He (a much better movie maker than James Cameron).

Miners in a mine blow up a wall while constructing a tunnel.  Mistake.  On the other side is a huge octopus creature not wishing to be disturbed.  Half the miners will die horribly, and the other half escape to the surface.  Fleeing miners drop a large rock which is picked up by junk collector Lao (Zang Chun-Zhang) and his cute kid Xiaoje.  Yep...wasn't a rock.  The egg hatches and commanders a car at the junkyard Lao resides, you'll see.  Lao and his dad fight hard and manage to wound the monster.  In doing so, monster blood splashes all over Xiaoje.  Lao's ex, the grouchy but beautiful Linna (Wei Lu) arrives in time to see momma monster rise out of the ground and take Xiaoje.  Another reason for Linna to yell at Lao (you divorced guys know the dynamic).  Quickly on the scene are a weird cryptozoologist and his ditzy assistant.  They've been tracking this monster for quite a while.

Linna pleads with the science team to join them in a rescue operation.  Linna and Lao will join forces to find their son.  The cryptozoologist guy believes that the creature smelled the blood of its offspring on Lao and thinks Xiaoje is its son.  Meanwhile, the surviving miners are plotting to fill the underground cavern with poison gas.  Now Linna, Lao, and their new friends must hurry.  In the mine, Xiaoje and the octopus thing start a sweet relationship.  Uh oh...some tear jerking plot devices come into play as Linna finds out a lot about her ex-husband she never knew.

What we ultimately get is an anthem against littering.  We also get a pro family film...real family.  While Big Hollywood shoves garbage at us, the Chinese give us an anti-garbage film.  I'm sure the Taiwanese voters see the difference of what is coming out of America and what is coming out of the mainland.  For a touching monster movie, suitable for the entire family, with a neat and slimy octopus creature, see "Underground Monster."            

Thursday, December 8, 2022

Flirting with Danger, Charisma Carpenter in Peril and in States of Undress

We haven't done a Charisma Carpenter film in a while.  Bad on us.  So why not pick one heavy on eroticism and murder?  Even better, we'll get Charisma Carpenter in lingerie, leopard print undies, nude, in gratuitous shower scenes, and in gratuitous pre-marital sex scenes.  Sure, she may be a vicious serial killer, but any real man would be willing to look past that...after all, it is Charisma Carpenter.  Today we look at 2006's "Flirting with Danger," directed by Richard Roy.

A bunch of young successful men are dropping dead of heart attacks.  These men have no history of heart problems.  The cops see no signs of foul play.  Unless Dr. Fauci is experimenting with the Pfizer vaccine, there is one other possibility.  Murder.  We find out that the men were all in the throes of passion with a babe, maybe Laura (Carpenter) before dying.  One of the men was the best friend of hunk lawyer, Rafe (James Thomas).  He is tasked with settling his buddy's estate.  In doing so he'll find some mysterious clues that lead him to Laura, a nymphomaniac socialite.  Fall in love?  They do.  The more he falls for Laura, the more clues he finds indicating she may be a serial killer.

Babe cop, Gloria (Victoria Sanchez) also grew up with Rafe.  The two have always wanted to get into each other's pants...just not at the same time.  Other babes will be thrown at us...all wanting to get into Rafe's pants...and all emerge as suspects, too.  Laura seems to be a quick thinker and has answers for her previous "inconsistencies."  We'll get more sensual Charisma Carpenter scenes and be treated to some of the most alluring lingerie imaginable.  Rafe and Laura will have a lot of pre-marital sex...and Gloria begins moving forward in her investigation. 

Is Laura a serial killer of successful men, or is this too easy?  Even if Laura is the killer, can't Rafe look beyond this flaw...after all, it is Charisma Carpenter?  Are all babes in leopard print lingerie totally insane?  Eroticism will rule the day in this fine mystery thriller.  For an arousing tale of murder and pre-marital sex, see "Flirting with Danger."

Tuesday, December 6, 2022

Guns of Eden, Exploitation Heroine with an Attitude

So what has happened?  Not a rhetoric question.  American culture is gone.  Culture is something that binds a people, or a nation. America has lost its culture...but something has moved in to bind us together...and it isn't working, too well. The media binds us...and makes us hate one another.  The media gives us two sides, when in reality, there may be dozens of valid points of view.  America is polarized. Now the good news...this is not sustainable. All over the world civilizations are rising up against this polarization.  It will happen here, too.  More good could happen in the form of a sultry dame, who is heavily armed, and has great big...well, a big smile.  Today we look at Greg Lamberson's "Guns of Eden."

It is horrible.  Sultry policewoman sees her career end after a horrible and bloody mistake.  Megan (Alexandra Faye Sadeghian) is now directionless and hating life.  Her former partner, Jeremy (Peter Johnson) refuses to let her die on the vine and convinces her to go on a nature weekend.  A good hike. Also along for the ride are the babe Gabriella (Nicole Colon) and stud Blake (Dominic Luongo). Yep, this never goes well.  Witnesses never fare well in these films and the group witnesses a corrupt sheriff, Preacher (Bill Kennedy), and his men execute some of their prisoners.  Now the four unfortunate witnesses are hunted by a posse of corrupt deputies, lesbian survivalists, rednecks, and other assorted idiots.  

This becomes Megan's story.  Redemption and atonement are at stake.  What unfolds will be bloody and dozens will die horribly.  Megan will get to use a Gatling gun (SWEET!!!), a crossbow, a bear trap, other guns, other machine guns, and a key chain.  Eyes will be gouged out and evil lesbians will be mowed down.  She'll go through corrupt deputies like crap through a goose.  Megan will see horror descend upon upon her friends.  In true exploitation form, Greg Lamberson binds us with Megan...her story is perhaps the story of what may have to happen in our country (metaphorically speaking, of course).  Eventually, Megan is a character that would rival any gritty action hero in those old spaghetti westerns or women-in-prison exploitation films.  Carnage will be her middle name.  More importantly, her mission to fight evil may also prove to be her own savior, if she can keep any of her humanity in the process.  I should note two sultry actresses, Brooke Lewis Bellas and Lynn Lowry are in this film in limited roles.  Their roles may be limited but their characters and performances enhance the aforementioned themes greatly.

Exploitation tales are important.  At the time, most of the movie audience miss what they are trying to get across.  Over time, we look at them differently and in light of how history unfolded.  We soon realize they were more than exploitation, but cinematic champions of the little-guy fighting the machine and inspiring others to rise to a seemingly impossible challenge.  It won't be without blood (I speak metaphorically, again), but soon great uprisings will take place to usher in good and usher out evil.  It has started.  "Guns of Eden" may be a preview of a purification that our country needs...and having a sultry dame lead us through it is just a bonus.  See "Guns of Eden" and think about the bigger picture.    

Sunday, December 4, 2022

Point of Terror, Lounge Singer and Homicide

A poor man's Tom Jones?  Perhaps a very poor man's Neil Diamond?  The lounge singer!  This character does not get enough play as the main protagonist in films.  Today we have one...he has a hairy chest that pushes against a lot of cleavage buffs.  He'll have pre-marital sex with a lot of women...and he'll be used by evil cougars.  Something so 1970s exploitation about today's film.  Oh, did I mention Dyanne Thorne is in all her glory!  Today we look at 1971's "Point of Terror," directed by Alex Nicol.

Tony (Peter Carpenter) is a lounge singer at a coastal club called The Lobster House (I hear they have great dinner rolls, just don't fill up on them).  He croons and has every women in heat during his performances.  While basking at the beach he meets bikini babe, and older woman, Andrea (Thorne).  She promises to come to hear him sing.  By the way, he has a hot GF named Sally (Paula Mitchell), who is more his age.  Uh oh...Andrea owns the top record company in the country and promises to sign Tony to a big contract.  Oh yes, Andrea's invalid husband, Martin (Joel Marston).  He actually owns the company and he is jealous.  Easy...murder ensues.  Now Andrea owns the company,  Peter is captivated and has much steamy pre-marital sex with Andrea.  Uh oh...she is getting bored and, after all, there are younger men with less chest hair.  He does not take the lack of attention well.

Enter Andrea's step daughter, Helayne (Lory Hansen).  The babe is home for her dad's funeral and she will fall in love with Tony.  The two will have passionate pre-marital sex. Andrea wants Tony back. Did I mention murder?  No, not Martin's demise...the other one.  You'll see.  It all makes sense.  Helayne and Tony get very close and Andrea gets desperate and more intoxicated.  Oh!  Remember Sally?  I'll just say she refuses to be an insignificant character in this twisted story.  Oh!  Did I mention murder?  There will be a lot of it.  Where is this all leading?  Easy, the ending will be loud, furious, vicious, and horrific.

There will be sex in a pool, sex in an ocean, sex in a bed, sex on a couch, sex on the floor, and Tony will be a party to all of it.  Will Andrea and Tony put their age difference aside and strike up a healthy relationship?  Will Tony and teenager Helayne put their age difference aside and strike up a healthy relationship?  Will Helayne and Andrea engage in a steamy catfight that results in murder?  Erotic and vicious.  The ending will shock you even though it may have been inevitable.  For a steamy good time with steamy pre-marital sex and bloody homicide, see "Point of Terror."

Friday, December 2, 2022

Book of Fire, The Plague, Seances, and Babe Sacrifices

,Justinian!  Who was Justinian? of those blokes who if you talk about, peeps think you're smart.  He lived a long time ago and survived the plague.  Interested?  Right!  What better way to learn more about Justinian than with a hot Asian babe as a guide.  Let this Asian babe, clad in a skimpy leather gladiator outfit (or maybe a skimpy white toga), lead you by the hand as she guts other hot babes, romances Justinian, and faces redemption in purgatory.  Why oh why isn't this a plot that is continuously remade.  Today we look at Tommy Frazier's 2015 epic, "Book of Fire."  Perhaps not Chasty Ballesteros' magnum opus...but close.

Justinian (Shane brolly) is minding his own business in an orgy with several naked babes.  He'll be interrupted by the aforementioned hot Asian babe, his lover, Dhani (Ballesteros).  Before joining in the orgy, she gives her lover a book that looks like the Necronomicon...the Book of Fire.  With it, he'll be all powerful...that is if he accepts it.  He does, but fails to read the small print.  Now the bubonic plague spreads through the land.  Justinian and Dhani are immune but must murder babes and hunks by the hundreds to remain immune.  Fast forward to the 21st century...Nina (Nicole Sienna) is a college babe on her 19th birthday.  Her buddies are throwing her a toga themed birthday party. Her adoptive mom (Catherine Bach) tries to tell her some secrets about where she came from. 

Nina gets a clue she is in danger when she is sucked through a fiery portal in her bathroom into purgatory.  I know, we've all been there. There she will befriend a Nazi death camp guard (Joshua Rosenthal) who will help her break some curse.  Meanwhile, Dhani murders by the hundreds but feels bad.  Anyway, to speed the plot along, Justinian, Dhani, and Justinian's wife Theodora (Carmen Electra) go through the portal and end up at Nina's party...looking like they belong.  Dhani and Theodora will be unmerciful to Nina's babe friends.  Now Nina and her Nazi buddy desperately try to find the Book of Fire for some unknown reason.  Babes will die horribly, as will their hunk boyfriends.  The ending will be fiery and we wonder if Nina and Dhani will engage in an epic catfight.

Think the "Spartacus" TV series meets Full Moon Entertainment.  Not a Full Moon film, this one has the feel of it.  Will Dhani's guilty conscious cause her to help Nina?  Help Nina?  Help Nina do what?  Will Catherine Back and Carmen Electra engage in a catfight to rule all of purgatory?  Sounds ambitious, I know...just don't pay too much attention to the plot and you will thoroughly enjoy "Book of Fire" and all the babes and hunks included in it. This one will have the best cheese and beef factor of any film you've seen all year.    

Wednesday, November 30, 2022

Disconnected, Slasher Preys on Connecticut Babes

What we have here is...the best film ever to emanate from Waterbury, Connecticut!  Okay, perhaps that is not saying much.  If you can look beyond early indications that this is a truly horrible film (who amongst us hasn't benefited from the same logic about ourselves?), and the fact that the dialog looks like bad dubbing (even though it isn't), then we have a vicious, horrific, and insane slasher film.  Low budget all the way, this film also served as a nice nostalgic look at the early 80s, filmed in a city that has decayed.  Today we look at 1984's "Disconnected," directed by Gorman Bechard.

A mad misogynistic slasher is gutting and cutting up beautiful Waterbury women after having sex with them.  Yes!  There are babes in Waterbury...or at least...used to be. What does he do after that?  You can guess.  Detective Tremaglio (Carmine Capoblanco) is on the case...don't expect much here. Enter the sultry Alicia (Frances Raines).  She has just dumped her boyfriend Mike (Carl Koch) because she found out he is messing around with her sister, Barbara Ann (also Raines). Alicia works as a clerk in a video store and one day Franklin (Mark Walker) strolls in.  The two hit it off as both love old movies and Franklin is timid and cute.  Franklin and Alicia start dating and soon are having passionate pre-marital sex.  Uh oh...unlike Alicia, we know Franklin is the sex-crazed psycho killer.  He even tries to murder her after pre-marital sex, but she has already'll see.

Not to be outdone by her sultry sister, Barbara Ann visits Franklin.  Having already stolen Mike, she now needs to steal Franklin.  What happens next is gratuitous sex, nudity, and gore...very sad for Barbara Ann.  As Alicia and Franklin get closer, our psycho keeps his blade handy.  Wait!  Did I tell you about the strange phone calls Alicia keeps receiving?  She answers the telephone only to be repulsed by awful and disgusting noises.  Wait!  Did I tell you about...well never mind.  I have left a lot out of my plot description.  If I left it in you would realize there is much more going on here...just like the City of Waterbury, itself. 

Gory!  Erotic! Madness galore!  Sure, the 80s did not treat Waterbury cinema with any kind of respect.  Gene Siskel, Roger Ebert, and Rex Reed (throw in Gene Shalit) are gone, so perhaps we can give "Disconnected" a fair look.  Perhaps all of this is a metaphor for how woke-ism has pushed aside gritty reality and enables all of us to ignore Waterbury.  True, Waterbury is ruined and will never be a respectable city, ever again.  Don't fret, films like "Disconnected" are there to remind us that it used to exist.  See "Disconnected" with an open eye and think about it for a few minutes after it ends to understand what you just watched.    

Monday, November 28, 2022

Nutcracker Massacre, A Bloody Holiday

Admit it.  You dread it.  Being pulled, against your will, to see (or watch) "A Christmas Carol" or "The Nutcracker."  Yet, you go without complaining.  You realize how evil you would sound if you raise an objection.  After all...every decent bloke just loves those two Christmas staples.  If you must endure this torture, treat yourself by taking in 2022's "Nutcracker Massacre," directed by Rebecca Matthews.  You will even see some poor sap's nuts get cracked by the evil Nutcracker. 

Clara (Beatrice Fletcher) is sad.  The nubile babe just dumped her worthless boyfriend Paul (Andy Dixon).  See, Paul cheated on Clara by having pre-marital sex with Bai (Chrissy Wunna).  Wait until you see could we blame him? Unfortunately, she will die horribly at the hands of the evil monster surprise here.  Sad as she is she accepts an invitation to do Christmas at her Aunt Marie's (Julie Stevens) place.  Marie is also a babe.  Also headed to Marie's is her daughter Mousey (May Kelly) and her hunk beau, James (Stephen Staley).  Oh yes...Mousey and Clara hate one another.  On her way to Marie's, Clara stops off at an old curiosity shop and buys Marie a gift...a nutcracker.  The creepy old proprietor, Dmitri (Patrick Bergin), has other intentions. guessed it.  Paul will find his way to Marie's to try to woo Clara back.  Uh oh...Marie has an evil looking six foot tall nutcracker next to the tree.  Whatever Dmitri sold Clara brings this behemoth ornament to life...and it is angry.  One by one, each kill gorier than the last, our characters meet their demises at the hands of the possessed nutcracker.  Poor Bai...she was such a babe...but she'll get it as she is fileted by an ice skate.  Some of the characters deserve it...but not all.  Why is the fiend murdering Clara's kin and friends?  We eventually find out and the backstory, relayed by Dmitri, is horrific.  Now Clara figures out what is going on, but also realizes, she needs the two-timing Paul to mount a counteroffensive.

Any chance of Bai returning from the dead, this is a horror film, and engaging in a catfight with the nubile Clara?  Does the evil and possessed nutcracker have plans for Clara?  Will Mousey and Paul face extra gory deaths?  If you must endure the aforementioned Christmas classics, treat yourself and consider "Nutcracker Massacre" as some needed therapy.