Tuesday, January 31, 2023

Love After Death, Perversion from Argentina

From our buddies at Something Weird Video...we have a super weird one from Argentina.  Argentina!  The country should be a successful and productive one.  Unfortunately, their admiration for the idiotic Evita Peron and her husband has dragged their country into irrelevance and strife.  With Evita and Juan came an unholy alliance with Nazis and Communists...never works out well.  What else doesn't work out well are marriages between impotent dweebs and babe skanks...hence today's feature, 1968's "Love After Death" (aka "Unsatisfied Love"), directed by Glauco Del Mar.

Montel (Guillermo De Cordova) lays in wait inside a coffin in his castle.  He has died...apparently.  In reality, he suffers from bouts of Cataleptic fits...he appears dead.  His babe wife, Sofia (Carmin O'Neil) is having a love affair with Montel's doctor, Anderson (Roberto Maurano).  The two have conspired to bury him alive...and do just that.  Now Sofia is a rich widow and Anderson foolishly believes Sofia will marry him.  Uh oh...Montel awakes in the grave and digs himself out.  Now he is on the prowl and seeks revenge.  Uh oh again...Montel is a virgin...he has never been able to gain potency, shall we say.  Before returning to the castle for revenge, he needs to see if he can sow his wild oats.  He roams Argentina and jumps Argentinian vixens.  He'll haul them inside, knock them out, undress them...and try to have his way with them.

Initially, Monte's efforts are discouraging.  Then he sneaks into the bedrooms of babes and hides in closets to watch them undress.  He sees a lot of lesbian sex, doing this.  He is even invited by these babes to join the party...but this is too much for him.  Finally, he strikes it rich...fireworks!  Now, no longer a virgin, Montel is ready for revenge against Sofia and Anderson.  The two killers (or would be killers) are getting quite intimate.  Montel will have none of this and plans a final humiliation for them.  Meanwhile, Montel and his new found potency continue to sow wild seeds among Argentinian beauties.  Nudity and deviance will take over the plot until Montel is ready to enact his final humiliation on the two fiends who buried him alive.

Shouldn't Montel be thankful to Sofia and Anderson for finding a way to rid him of his impotency?  Are the babes of Argentina forever soiled by having deviant sex with a former corpse?  Is Argentina's ethos forever soiled by their worship of the foolhardiness and ego of Evita Peron?  This is a sordid tale with much deviance and nudity.  For a true sample of the types of films offered by Something Weird Video, see "Love After Death."

Sunday, January 29, 2023

Memorial Valley Massacre, Cave Man Murders Campers

The 1980s, as many of us think, may be the golden decade of slasher films.  This era began in the late 70s, actually, and continued through the mid-80s.  By 1988 or 1989 the quality of the films decreased.  Sure, comparing some of the offerings from 1988 or 1989 to "The Burning," or "My Bloody Valentine," is almost unfair.  Trying to find some new plot line after hundreds of slasher films came before was not easy.  With Christmas, Valentine's Day, and Halloween already taken in plots, trying to be semi-original caused movie makers to pick another holiday...like Memorial Day!"  Hence today's feature, from 1989, "Memorial Valley Massacre" (aka "Valley of Death"), directed by Robert Hughes.

Ah!  Memorial Day weekend has rolled around.  The campsite in Memorial Valley is prepping for a deluge of campers.  Ranger Webster (John Kerry) has a lot to do as someone seems to have sabotaged the running water and killed a construction worker.  He'll have help, Mr. Sangster (Cameron Mitchell), who owns the campgrounds, assigns his hunk son David (Mark Mears) to assist Webster.  David is a college boy and Webster does not like college boys.  The campers arrive by the hundreds.  Of note is a babe named Cheryl (Lesa Lee).  She's pretty irrelevant to the plot but does have pre-marital sex with David and looks really good.  Biker gangs, obnoxious families, horny teens, and a battle tested army general (William Smith) will be a sampling of the campers.

Uh oh...a caveman (Mark Caso) who does not like noise feels as if his turf has been invaded.  He'll kill to protect his land...and kill...and kill...and kill.  In fact, this film has one of the highest death counts of any film from the 80s.  The biker gang and their scooter trash will all be decimated.  Our caveman sets up bloody booby-traps and hunts any nubile lass giving off pheromones.  David continues to annoy Webster, and Cheryl loosens up nicely but says nothing intelligent.  Big explosions, wooden spikes, hunting daggers, and spears will help our caveman murder just about everyone.  Uh oh...Webster seems hesitant about calling the cops or putting together a hunting party to snare this fiend.  David soon realizes Webster knows more about the homicidal lunatic than he is letting on.

What does Ranger Webster know about the caveman?  Other than pre-marital sex in a tent, will Cheryl do anything worthy of advancing the plot of this film?  Will the caveman spare at least one nubile camper and...actually...never mind...the question was going in a prurient direction.  For a massive kill count and hunks and babes galore...see "Memorial Valley Massacre."   

Friday, January 27, 2023

Sins of Desire, Sexual Deviance and Homicide at a Sex Clinic

Tanya Roberts.  We all love her.  Still, we must all admit she doesn't make the top three list of our favorite "Charlie's Angels" babes.  This is perhaps unfair.  The writing for the show went down hill by the time she joined the cast.  I guess what I am saying is if she had a scene or two in which she seduced Cheryl Ladd or Jaclyn Smith, and they engaged in steamy sex...well...Tanya Roberts may have bolted to the top of our lists.  What could have been.  Tanya Roberts in a steamy lesbian sex scene!  Well...wonder no more.  Our friend Jim Wynorski was probably thinking the same thing.  Before a gratuitous catfight between Tanya Roberts and ultra-babe Delia Sheppard, the two vixens had that steamy sex scene.  Today we look at 1993's "Sins of Desire."

As our film opens, Dr. Scott Callister (John Henry Richardson) has drugged and raped his patient, Monica (Gail Thackery).  Poor Monica, she'll die because of it.  Scott runs a clinic for the sexually dysfunctional.  He loves raping his female patients.  Scott's wife, Jessica (Sheppard) also loves raping the female patients. The clinic's treatment methods may be saner than Dr. Fauci's but are still problematic.  Pam (Carrie Stevens), another patient, becomes suicidal and throws herself into oncoming traffic.  Now Kay (Roberts) is mad.  Pam was her sister.  She is determined to investigate the clinic and bring it down.  Also, with the same plan is private eye, and hunk, Barry (Nick Cassavetes).  See, Monica was also a P.I. and working with Barry. 

We see Jessica's treatment methods for impotence.  It consists of putting two frisky strippers in bed with middle-aged male men.  If all else fails, she'll jump into the bed, too.  Kay and Barry will begin working together and also having steamy pre-marital sex.  We'll see Jessica and Scott have marital sex...and boy is it steamy!  Now Barry and Kay are determined to sneak into the clinic and find evidence that will connect Jessica and Scott to the deaths of Pam and Monica.  To do this, Kay will have to seduce Jessica...and she will do a fine job of it.  The two will have quite the love scene.  Uh oh...Jessica and Scott are smart and homicidal.  They know Barry and Kay are snooping.  Machine guns, catfights, souped up jalopies, and neat lingerie will carry the second half of the film.

Would Tanya Roberts have knocked the living daylights out of Cheryl Ladd or Jaclyn Smith in a catfight?  After their ambitious catfight, will Kay and Jessica kiss and make-up?  Can anyone argue with Jessica's treatments for impotence?  You'll need a shower after this one.  For a prurient good time, see "Sins of Desire," and wonder what "Charlie's Angels" could have been with better writing.

Wednesday, January 25, 2023

The Dark is Death's Friend, Car Thief and Serial Killer imperil Euro-Babes

From Italy!!!  Yet another Giallo offering...thx to TubiTV's recommendations.  A serial killer being stupid! A cheating husband being stupid.  Car thieves being stupid!  Who suffers?  Sultry Euro-babes... this is after all Giallo.  The beautiful die so horribly in these...and they will in today's feature, too.  Alas...a cheating husband with a perfect plan...how do you think that will work out?  Today we look at 1975's "The Dark is Death's Friend," directed by Luigi Cozzi.

Hunk Giorgio (George Hilton) has a problem.  His Euro-babe wife, Norma (Tere Veleazquez) knows he's cheating.  She intends to cut him off from the family wealth.  Then Giorgi gets lucky...he storms out of the house and witnesses a serial killer (Antoine Saint-John) dump his latest Euro-babe victim in the harbor.  The opportunist Giorgio is, he approaches the fiend with a deal.  He will pay him a fortune to bump off Norma and make it look like a kidnapping.  Yeah...this'll work...right!  Our evil killer goes into the apartment and strangles the poor life out of Euro-babe Norma, puts her in the trunk of his car, and goes back inside to wipe off fingerprints.

Enter the frolicking young lovers, Luca (Alessio Orano) and the nubile Laura (Christina Galbo).  They steal the killer's car, with Norma in the trunk.  Now our killer pursues Laura and Luca...and Giorgio tries to play all sad to the police inspector (Eduardo Fajardo).  The horny Luca and Laura go for a joyride and our killer closes in on them in a car he has just stolen.  Yep...of course, he will catch up to them.  But wait!  Guess what!  Supreme Euro-babe, we'll refer to as ditzy blonde (as do the credits) played by Femi Benussi.  I won't tell you too much about her entrance and actions in what follows...but what a great character...and well stacked, too.  Pre-marital sex will follow...and you can guess by who with who.  Blood, gore, and rape will also ensue.  Alas, not all the babes will survive...but will any of the hunks?

So, will ditzy blonde and Laura engage in a catfight with lots of pulled hair and scratching?  Who will get more action, Luca or killer-guy?  Is an Italian named Giorgio, with impressive chest hair, capable of outsmarting Italy's police force?  Prurient all the way, this film is some nice Giallo.  For an alluring and vicious movie, see "The Dark is Death's Friend."   

Monday, January 23, 2023

Nine Guests for a Crime, Euro Babes and Hunks Die Horribly

Some Giallo today...always good.  This one had no tan lines!  Er...the actresses in this film had no tan lines.  They'll frolic, prance around nude or in very skimpy bikinis, just lounge about nude, and have a lot of extra-marital sex.  The hunks in this film will do the same, except their privates are covered up by nifty Italian swimwear.  Oh yes, they'll also die horribly.  So sad...the sexy will die so horribly as in all Giallo films.  But will anyone survive?  Should they?  Today we look at 1977's, from Italy, "Nine Guests for a Crime," directed by Ferdinando Baldi.

Michele (Massimo Foschi) is quite the hunk and married to quite the babe Carla (Sofia Dionisio)...she has no tan lines, if I haven't mentioned that.  Michele is a man, a European.  We can hardly expect him to be confined to one babe...so he is screwing his dad's new wife, too...Guilia (Caroline Laurence).  She has no tan lines and loves Michele more than the shriveled old fool who married her.  I should say the dad, Uberto (Arthur Kennedy) has taken his three sons and their hot wives to a private island for two weeks of sun and beach.  They all hate each other.  Also along is batty old Aunt Elisabetta (Dana Ghia) and her dozen loaded rifles.  The carnality begins right away.  Patrizia (Loretta Persichetti) is a babe, with no tan lines, who is sad because her tarot cards say "Death" all the time.

Michele and Giulia discuss how easy it would be if Carla and Uberto assumed room temperature.  Then Carla mysteriously drowns and Uberto is murdered in his bed.  Now everyone suspects them.  Oh yes, the crew of the yacht that mans the boat that brought our peeps to the island are murdered.  Now the bickering family are castaways.  One by one, the hunks and babes die horribly.  They still find time to engage in forbidden carnality and prance around showing their lack of tan lines.  Uh oh...Aunt Elisabetta comes out as a total whack-ball claiming a ghost of her former lover is committing the murder.  Uh oh again, the ghost is seen by the family members.  The ensuing murders are well done and the bickering husbands and wives seem incapable of putting their differences aside to survive.

Is there a catfight brewing between the hot wives?  Just who's ghost is this and what is his beef with the family?  Is batty old Aunt Elisabetta the evil psycho killer?  Heavy on the cheese and beef (no tan lines and nice abs), our film is a pleasing horror film with gory deaths and graphic extra-marital sex.  For a prurient selection on your evening movie queue, try "Nine Guests for a Crime."          

Saturday, January 21, 2023

A White Dress for Mariale, A Euro-trash Party Turned Bloody Orgy

Some Giallo from Italy today.  We meet a lot of hunks and babes and get to know them really well.  Sadly, even we pine for their bloody demises.  A twisted one we have today.  Perhaps a 2023 audience will not be as shocked as the 1972 audience this film originally played for.  Still, the ending is sensational...oh, why don't more movies end this same way?!  Our feature today is "A White Dress for Mariale," directed by Romano Scavolini.

Mariale (Evelyn Stewart), a hot Italian blonde, has lived her whole life in the family castle.  Uh oh...indications are she is messed up.  See, as a child she witnessed the murder/suicide of her dad and mom.  Her husband is the serious and sad looking Paolo (Luigi Pistilli).  He is not happy that Mariale has sent telegrams to all her friends to visit for the weekend.  The cads arrive.  Paolo tries to get rid of them, but to their misfortune, they remain.  With the group is an old love of Mariale's, Massimo (Ivan Rossimov) ...quite the hunk.  Also there is Semy (Shawn Robinson), a vixen who loves to dance around naked and have passionate sex with another babe guest, Mercedes (Pilar Velazquez).  Then a bunch of weird hunks who we hope will be put through a blender soon.

The orgy begins.  A masquerade party with dinner, obscene party games, and all kinds of sexual relations ensues.  Guess what enters the evening's activities next?  Yep...homicide.  The killings will be bloody.  There is enough insanity in every guest for everyone to be a suspect.  There will also be a horde of scorpions, snakes, vicious dogs, and steamy sex and blood.  One by one, guests get off the 'suspect list' by dying horribly.  You will probably figure out the real killer...but stay tuned...the ending is quite beautiful... in a gore-filled way.

Is Mariale the killer, or is that too easy?  Will either Mercedes or Semy engage in steamy relations with Mariale before assuming room temperature?  Is Massimo so stupid as to fall in love with a babe with obvious insanity issues?  Okay, I guess we can all ask that question to ourselves.  For bacchanal frivolity, gore, and steamy sex...see "A White Dress for Mariale."  

Thursday, January 19, 2023

Libido, Euro-Babes and Deadly BDSM

 You know this won't end well.  A movie called "Libido" in which Sigmund Freud is quoted during the opening credits.  Add in nubile Euro-babes...who never fare well when Freud is referred to.  Throw in a couple of hunks, a gun, lingerie, vicious bondage, and ghosts.  Yep, today we look at this 1965 film, from Italy, directed by Ernesto Gastaldi and Vittorio Salerno.  An erotic horror film with a deviant bent awaits us today.

Many years ago a BDSM sex-maniac gets too vicious in a role play and murders a sultry blonde who just happens to be tied up in his bed.  Happens.  His young son witnesses this and may be scarred for life.  Many years later, that son is the 25 year old hunk, Christian (Giancarlo Giannini).  He fears becoming like his dad, who is now dead (suicide...or so we think).  Accompanied by his really hot wife, Helene (Dominique Boschero), the two head back to the deserted mansion to get it ready for sale.  With them is Paul (Luciano Pigozzi), who is in charge of the trust that manages the estate.  When Christian turns 25 in a few days, Paul will sign the place over to him.  With Paul is hot blonde wife Brigitte (Mara Maryl).  Uh oh...Brigitte is the spitting image of the babe Christian's dad murdered during BDSM many years back.

Okay...the mansion is creepy and soon we see indications that Christian's dad is back as a ghost.  Now Christian believes he's losing it.  To make matters worse, Helene wakes with bruises and scratches.  She says Christian did it in his sleep...he does not remember.  Brigitte keeps prancing around in lingerie and negligees Practically begging Paul and Christian to tie her up and...well, you'll see.  Helene really wants to sleep with her husband but every time she does, her face gets marred with scratches.  Christian seems to descend into madness.  Now he believes Paul, Brigitte, and Helene are conspiring to commit him to an insane asylum and take control of the estate.  Our unsteady hunk won't go easily and finds a gun.  The dames find more revealing lingerie and negligees, and Paul looks really suspicious.  So what really is going on here?

Is Christian a lunatic who is becoming his dad or are his wife and friends conspiring against him?  Is Brigitte's proclivity to prance around in lingerie a death knell in Euro-trash films?  Will we see Brigitte and Helene, both clad in intimates, get into a catfight?  Okay, I withdraw that last question.  For an erotic thriller with Freudian undertones, see "Libido."  

Tuesday, January 17, 2023

The Shadowed Mind, An Asylum for the Deviant

We have a weird and erotic one from South Africa and Australia today.  Picture this...a weird asylum, dilapidated and out of the way, for the sexual deviant.  Nymphomaniacs, sex-crazed killers, exhibitionists, etc. reside here.  Oh yes...every patient is a hunk or babe.  Soon, many will be former hunks and babes as a knife wielding psycho begins work.  Blood, gore, pre-marital sex, and uncomfortable sexual situations will abound.  Today we look at 1988's "The Shadowed Mind," directed by Cedric Sundstrom.

Stephanie (Adrienne  Pearce), a babe and a half, is dumped off at Dr. Dieter's (Towje Kleiner) asylum for the sexual insane.  She is an exhibitionist and loves to flaunt her boobs, wherever, whenever, and to whoever. You'll see this right off...and won't mind.  Dr. Dieter is the head shrink and has a very sexual relationship with his head nurse, Helen (Trish Downing).  The small staff are all hunks and babes, too...and maybe just as sexually deviant.  Leaving out a lot, Paul (Rufus Swart) is a 26 year old patient.  The stud is bi-sexual, or so it appears.  He develops an instant attraction to Stephanie.  Who wouldn't?  Uh oh...the knife wielding slasher begins.  The fiend guts the lovely Brenda (Debra Kaye).  Poor thing, she just finished steamy sex with her staff-mate Kurt (Evan J. Klisser).

The murders will continue.  Uh oh, Dieter is afraid his asylum won't get a federal grant (he'd be perfect to run the CDC) if the foundation discovers many of the staff and patients are being knifed in the throes of pre-marital sex.  He and Helen hide the bodies.  Soon, flies will infest their ever increasing pile of corpses. Paul gets bold and barges in on our exhibitionist babe seeking pre-marital sex.  She seems experienced, but is she?  Uh oh, Dieter has some grand and devious plan...and Paul is a part of it.  Now Helen develops a conscience and tries to call the cops.  Dieter will have none of this.  One by one the staff and patient community shrink and Dieter's pile gets bigger.  Paul gets more aggressive in his pursuit of Stephanie.  Dieter sees his grant money going down the drain.  The knife gets shinier and more active.

Just who is killing the babes and hunks at Dieter's insane asylum?  What is the deal with Paul and Stephanie and what exactly are their sexual deviancies?   Is Dieter's asylum a rather blunt metaphor for today's colleges and universities in America?  Steamy.  Sick.  Erotic. Disturbed.  Use whatever descriptor you want.  For gratuitous nudity, gore, and weird sexual situations, see "The Shadowed Mind."      

Sunday, January 15, 2023

A Dragonfly for Each Corpse, Sex Deviants Beware

Euro-trash again!  Why not?  Tubi keeps recommending them to me.  Yep, Euro-babes, often nude and dying horribly.  In this one, however, male sexual deviants get chopped up, as well.  Yep, Euro-babes galore...sometimes nude.  Set in Milan Italy, this is a film made in Spain (if not shot there).  We'll call it Giallo as it does have the Italian connection.  Oh!  A favorite of ours stars, Paul Naschy.  Today we look at 1975's "A Dragonfly for Each Corpse," directed by Leon Klimovsky.

Sexual deviants in Milan are being axed or knifed.  In the opening few minutes a dweeb junky and a beautiful prostitute are murdered.  This film will have an extremely high body count.  Detective Paolo Scaparella (Naschy) is on the case.  He has a temper and is not a very good detective.  Luckily, his hot girlfriend, Silvana (Erika Blanc), is.  She'll take all her clothes off, grab a magnifying glass, and do a better job solving this case than Paolo...really...this happens in the movie.  She'll be nude a lot, not just while doing detective work.  The murders continue and each corpse has a dragonfly pinned to it.  Orgies will be raided by the killer, prostitutes will die, necrophilies will be murdered, and adulterers' will also fall.  Scary, as every adult in Italy is an adulterer.

In one weird scene a professor with a coffin fetish will hire a stripper (Anna Marie) to do it to him in a coffin.  They will both, of course, be chopped up.  Now the killer begins writing letters to Paolo and he or she seems to know him well.  Even more ominous...he or she seems to know Silvana.  Uh oh...all the corpses seem to have been friends of Silvana.  Now the transvestites of Milan are getting chopped up.  As Paolo yells at lots of people, Silvana actually uses her brain...even though she has no clothes on.  Little does Silvana know, if she is not the killer, she is in mortal danger.

Is Silvana a helpful girlfriend in mortal danger, or the killer?  Will Paolo ever get a clue and actually find a clue or will his girlfriend have to do all the work?  Is the sexual deviance of Milan, Italy something that will ultimately bring in more tourism?  Euro-babes in much peril along with every Euro-deviant, much gore, and cleavage and nudity galore...see "A Dragonfly for Each Corpse."   

Friday, January 13, 2023

Bigfoot at Holler Creek Canyon, Hunks, Babes, Bigfoot, and a Porn Star

I have no idea where to begin.  Today we have one of the best films of the last 100 years!  Let's start here. Viv (Tammie Taylor), a babe and a half is having the most vicious and loud consensual pre-marital sex with her muscle-laden BF Stu (Johnny Ostensee).  Primal screaming...extreme pelvic thrusts, slaps in the rear...more guttural yells.  What can we add to this? Insert Ron Jeremy in the scene filming it!  Perhaps this scene was filmed first and the movie makers realized they needed another 85 minutes of footage for a full length film.  Now its easy...throw in more passionate pre-marital sex, a lot of nudity and gore, gratuitous bikini scenes, plenty more Ron Jeremy...and Bigfoot!  Today we look at 2006's "Bigfoot at Holler Creek Canyon," directed by John Poague.

Three hunks and three babes on spring break drive to a cabin in the woods.  On the way Ron Jeremy as the creepy general store clerk will warn them of bears.  A redneck transvestite will also warn them (a very disconcerting scene).  Jill (Anna Bridgforth) owns the cabin and is sad because her hunk BF Matt (Justin Alvarez) is cheating on her.  Viv and Stu are there too and their version of sex rates a 10 on the Richter Scale.  Bree (Melisa Breiner-Sanders) is quite the babe and will try to get into Danny's (Gentry Ferrell) pants.  Actually, every guy in this film will make a nice attempt at pre-marital sex with each babe in this film...and vice versa...then throw in Ron Jeremy...don't even ask.

As a bacchanal orgy rages at the cabin, Bigfoot shreds everyone nearby.  Soon, the hairy monster sets his sights on the spring breakers at the cabin.  Viv tires of Stu and ties up Matt for deviant sex.  Everyone else sheds their clothes and hooks up with whoever.  Bigfoot traipses on heads and rips limbs off...one wonders if he or Ron Jeremy will get some action first.  Jill yells at everyone because everyone knows her boyfriends are cheating on her...and Matt...well...he's a man's man...a guy like Matt can't be expected to tie himself down.  The nubile and the brutes will have to clothe themselves, soon enough ...as Bigfoot arrives.

Sadly, not all the bold and beautiful will survive.  We do like the babes, as they are pretty hot.  You gals will like the hunks, they are buff and sweaty.  As for Ron Jeremy and Bigfoot?  Well, hairy and a tad on the disguising side.  Will Bigfoot select one of the babes to carry on his bloodline?  Will the violence in which Viv and Stu go at it with be turned into a fight against the hairy behemoth?  For one of the greatest films ever made, see "Bigfoot at Holler Creek Canyon."     

Wednesday, January 11, 2023

Alien Vengeance, Debbie Rochon and the Tentacled Menace

Tentacle rape?  Sure...yell that at a party.  Unless you are in Tokyo, you will be shunned pretty quickly, unless there are sorority babes at the gala.  We just don't get enough films featuring tentacle rape.  Today we have one...the number one grossing American film in Japan (EMBELLISHMENT).  By the way, for tentacle deviance, read Max Gunssler's novel THE TENTACLED INVASION, available in Kindle or paperback at this link THE TENTACLED INVASION   .  By the way, in addition to the probing theme of this film, we have the hottest babe ever to put on an eyepatch...Debbie Rochon as an Area 51-type spook.  Our film today, 2010's "Alien Vengeance," directed by Jason Liquori.

A UFO crashes into Florida.  At the same time, Dad (Colin Bowman) sexually molests his teenage daughter Jan (Melanie Robel).  Jan kills Dad and then an alien being takes over Dad's body.  Okay, two hunks and two babes break down near Dad's place.  John (AJ Jones) and his babe Maureen (Sarah Doerr) are accompanied by Harry (Jesse Kozol) and his babe Nina (Christine Daoust).  A secret alien-tracking organization sends Agent Onyx (Rochon) and her eyepatch to investigate.  The alien, inside Dad sprouts tentacles and penetrates and probes Jan.  Jan escapes after the violation and meets up with our quartet.

Now the five are on the run from this tentacled alien.  The thing's tentacles desire more probing and Nina and Maureen are perfect targets for him/it.  Meanwhile, Onyx and her cohort Blade (Shade Burnett) are on the way.  The alien is sly and will do any deceit to shove its things up Nina's and Maureen's warm places. Sounds hokey?  Don't say that in Tokyo where this phenomenon provides hours of fetishes to businessmen everyday.  Or, that's what I'm told.  The tentacles are slimy and the gals don't resist, too much.  As Onyx and Shade seem to take their time getting there, our babes virtue is endangered.

Will the tentacled creature manage to penetrate every babe in this film?  Will Onyx and Shade ever arrive at the UFO crash scene and if they do, will the alien also have plans for them?  Just why is tentacle misbehavior such a fetish in Japan?  This is a fun one...or at least, as fun as tentacle rape can be.  For a prurient good time read Max Gunssler's novel or see "Alien Vengeance."  For all you with eyepatch fetishes, definitely see this one as Debbie Rochon never disappoints.   

Monday, January 9, 2023

All Eyes, Is There a Monster?

Technically this is a human story.  A story about a man who has lost everything...two men, actually.  Redemption...meaning...relevancy...a second chance.  To us, more importantly, is there a monster?  We like horror and we like monsters in our horror films.  Today we look at 2022's film by Todd and Alex Greenlee, "All Eyes."  Yes, there is a lot here that goes down, and comparisons to "10 Cloverfield Lane" will be abundant.  Still...the Greenlees make a couple of fellows, who at first seem uncaring and wooden, quite human and multi-dimensional. 

Allen (Jasper Hammer) is a host of a successful paranormal podcast.  After a bloody episode, his network cancels him in anticipation to legal suits.  Now purposeless, Allen seems finished.  His producer/friend Kim (Danielle Evon Ploeger) tries to rehabilitate him.  Then Kim and Allen find a letter from a supposed whacko.  The letter from a farmer named Don (Ben Hall) convinces Allen to travel to his Oklahoma farm.  Don claims a vicious monster prowls around his farm.  Allen bites, hesitantly, and will meet the most eccentric and cantankerous being ever, Don.

Don is a weird one.  He promises Allen that a vicious thousand-eye creature stalks his farm.  He further claims the thing has eaten all his cattle.  From what Allen sees, there is no monster and Don is the most insane person in the world.  Uh oh...Don believes it.  He surprises Allen by telling him there are hundreds of deadly booby-traps on his land.  Now Allen can't leave.  Uh oh again...the mysterious Area 51 people arrive and may also be hunting the same monster...or are they?  Oh yeah, it gets creepier and a ton more interesting.  Allen is now trapped on the farm with an increasingly insane Don.  The Area 51 blokes manifest as a threat and the monster...well...maybe there is one out there beyond the tree line.

Is Allen now a mere prisoner of a psycho-farmer?  Just who are these Area 51 guys and what are they looking for?  Is there a monster?  As vicious and insane as this plot sounds, the Greenlee brothers give us a great character study of two men in need of understanding and rehabilitation.  They both come from dark places and if they don't murder each other, may make each other human again.  See "All Eyes," and enjoy the twists and sharp-edged booby-traps.       

Saturday, January 7, 2023

Night Feeder, Babe Reporterette Stalked by Psycho Monster

This is from 1988...and I have to say...HOW DID I MISS IT!?  What unfolds in this 94 minute film is even a shock to us horror fans.  The ending will give you the willies for days.  More importantly, we have a babe reporterette, a hunk cop, a lot of horribly mutilated murder victims, and...well, you won't believe the "and."  From Jim Whiteaker, we have "Night Feeder."  Get ready...if you dare watch this film... it will, shall we say...unsettle you.

Horrible murders start occurring in a seedy San Francisco neighborhood. The babe reporterette Jean (Kate Alexander) is doing a story on them and meets Detective Alonzo (Jonathan Zeichner) at one of the murder scenes.  At first, they hate each other...don't worry, they'll end up in elongated pre-marital sex scenes as he makes her scream in ecstasy.  Jean gets around.  Her ex husband David (Easy Willingham) wants her back. Sadly, for him, he'll be murdered by the fiend outside of Jean's apartment.  Also, before pre-marital sex with Alonzo, Jean is sleeping with Punk Rock musician, Bryan (Caleb Dreneaux).  Yep...Bryan and everyone in his band are suspects...you'll see why.  The murders continue.  A wino, called the creeper (Robert Duncanson) emerges as a suspect.  He always lurks around the crime scenes.

Uh oh...Alonzo and the coroner (Robert Hogan) do very detailed autopsies (yuck!!!). The killer is sucking the victim's brains out through the eye socket.  Even worse, the victim is alive as this is occurring.  Alonzo has a particularly hard day so he ends up in the sack with a very passionate and giving Jean.  Now the two are lovebirds.  Alonzo, thanks to Jean's investigation, is now after the creeper.  More murders occur.  Twists abound and then, you won't believe this...well, no spoilers here.  What unfolds is so unearthly, so disgusting, so taboo, so shocking...you'll want to see it for yourself.  Hardly a date movie, you horror fans who love being shocked will want to find this one.

Can Alonzo protect Jean even though he is failing to protect this San Francisco neighborhood?  Is the horror that occurs in this San Francisco neighborhood apt foreshadowing of the reign of Representative Nancy Pelosi and her reign of horror on her congressional district and this country?  Will both Jean and Alonzo keep their brains so they can continue to have steamy pre-marital sex?  The OMG Factor in this one is high and Jean is quite the sultry heroine.  For some great horror and shock, see "Night Feeder."

Thursday, January 5, 2023

Bermuda Island, Hunks and Babes vs Monsters on a Deserted Island

Alas, he died in 2003.  Charles Berlitz would have been proud of today's film. The pioneer of language training was also a great author of paranormal subjects.  In the 1970s, he made the Bermuda Triangle famous.  Sadly, he never solved the mystery...although, he might have if he saw 2023's "Bermuda Island," directed by Adam Werth.  Lucky for us the Mahal brothers and Werth have given us a film diving into the Bermuda Triangle mystery with the help of toothy cannibalistic monsters...and skinny dipping.

An airplane bringing vacationers to Puerto Rico boards.  Uh oh...an arms dealer, Diego (Noel Gugliemi) is brought on board as he is extradited there.  He's guarded by a team of FBI agents (I guess they took a break from harassing parents at school board meetings).  Diego doesn't intend to let the FBI deliver him.  A freak storm, not on any radar, engulfs the plane and sends it plunging into the ocean below.  Bye bye Diego.  Luckily, a lot of babes and hunks survive including Carolyn (Sarah French) and hunk Damon (Victor V. Gelsomino).  Also surviving is evil FBI agent, SA Sweden (Wesley Cannon).  The monsters come quickly and disembowel, chomp, and rip throats out.  Now the surviving group is smaller. Also emanating from the jungle is Bruce (John Wells).  Bruce is a soldier who watched his unit get eaten by the things.

Now Bruce works to keep the survivors surviving.  Sweden is jealous and takes half the survivors to another part of the island.  The two camps train, create weapons, and keep losing people to the fiends. Carolyn and Damon will go skinny-dipping and kiss a lot.  Now the film is about surviving the wrath of evil survivors and also cannibalistic and hungry monsters.  We pull for Bruce's group, as Carolyn is in that group...and she's a babe.  No hiding monsters here.  Mr. Werth shows us these toothy and wild monsters and the carnage they do.  Intestines will fly, as will limbs.  Throats will be ripped out, and through it all, the survivors get more apt at defending and killing...but is it too late?

Knowing what happens to skinny-dippers in these types of films, will our babe, Carolyn, survive to the end credits?  Who are the monsters to be feared the most, the toothy creatures, or the maniacal FBI agent's castaways?  Is Bruce really who he says he is?  His backstory is quite...well...you'll see. This is a gore-fest sure to please horror fans.  A lot of monsters, babes in peril, and hunks trying to save them...classic elements of pure horror.  Beware, this is a vicious horror film, not a soap opera-like horror plot, or a RomCom-like horror plot that looks more like a reality show.  If you like your horror with lots of blood and with a high death count...and internal organs flying...see "Bermuda Island."

"Bermuda Island" will be available for streaming on January 23, 2023.  To watch the YouTube trailer, click on this link Bermuda Island trailer

Tuesday, January 3, 2023

Sci-Fighters, Roddy Piper Fights a Virus and Falls in Love

Roddy Piper!  We miss him.  Billy Drago! We miss him, too.  Jayne Heitmeyer!  We miss her.  Wait!  She's still with us!  Thank goodness, quite the babe! Throws these three together, with an icky moon virus, an insane Billy Drago seeking to rape every babe in Boston (okay, for the purpose of good science fiction, let's assume there are babes in Boston), and Roddy Piper as a cop with government permission to shoot and beat up whoever he wants.  Today we look at 1996's straight to video "Sci-Fighters," directed by Peter Svatek. 

In a prison on the moon, Dunn (Drago) goes berserk when his cigarettes are stolen. He murders another inmate with a handsaw.  The poor devil spurts a virus-laden green blood at Dunn, giving him a deadly virus.  Dunn's corpse is transported to Boston where he mysteriously reanimates.  Now Dunn goes on a spree as the virus makes him a physical and mental monster.  He goes on a rape spree.  Poor Tricia (Donna Sarrasin), she'll catch the virus after Dunn rapes her and starts deteriorating.  Enter Detective Grayson (Piper).  Him and Dunn were partners when Dunn went crazy and murdered Grayson's wife.  Now Grayson hunts Dunn.  Oh yes, enter the babe scientist Dr. Kirbie Younger (Heitmeyer), Kirbie is treating Tricia, not well, and trying to figure out this deadly virus.

Yep, Grayson and Kirbie fall in love.  Uh oh...Dunn believes Kirbie is his old two-timing GF, who is now dead.  Now Dunn hunts Kirbie.  Uh oh again, Tricia blows up and sprays tentacled creatures on her medical team.  Fortunately the babe Kirbie was not in the room.  May I say...this is such a classic scene. Dunn continues his raping and murdering, Grayson falls deeper in love, and Kirbie keeps shedding clothing...no need to keep a babe like this in a containment suit.  Tricia...well, she's a nest for tentacled things and no longer beautiful.  Yep...a big final confrontation is in the works...and it'll be fantastic.

Will Roddy Piper and Billy Drago have one of those classic fist fights that made "They Live" so famous? Will Kirbie be turned into an exploding tentacle creature nest?  Is a babe turning into an exploding tentacled creature nest a metaphor easily understood by divorced guys?  For a fun straight-to-video 1990s classic, see "Sci-Fighters." 

Sunday, January 1, 2023

Mystic Mountain, Sorority Girls Mistaken as Virginal Sacrifices

Ah, sorority girls.  Not vestal virgins, but behemoth druids may not care.  Today we look at what is possibly the best film ever made.  Often nude and often in the shower, sometimes together, sorority babes will be put in much peril.  Today we look at 1991's "Mystic Mountain" (aka "Camp Fear") directed by Thomas Edward Keith.  There will be nude sorority babes, gratuitous shower scenes, a big sea monster that eats biker gang members, a giant druid, and Vincent Van Patten as an anthropology professor.

Okay, we first meet our sorority babes.  In the best five minutes ever to open a movie, they are all nude.  Some are taking showers together.  They stay nude as they come down for breakfast or take more showers.  Let us jump ahead.  Sorority sister Jamie (Betsy Russell) is dating and having lots of pre-marital sex with her anthropology professor, Professor Hamilton (Van Patten).  Three other sorority babes, often nude or in lingerie, will join them on a camping trip to find Indian artifacts on Mystic Mountain. Melissa (Mindy Myer) is a computer babe.  Tiffany (Peggy McIntaggart) is all slut and goes on the trip in white satin lingerie. Then, Jamie, who will get a lot of pre-marital sex from her professor on this outing.  

Okay, skipping a lot, I should say a biker gang is hot on their tails.  The gang wants to rape the four girls. An Indian medicine man (Jim Elk) warns the girls and the professor of the evil that exists on Mystic Mountain.  Then the plot gets crazy.  A big sea monster starts eating biker dudes.  A 10-foot tall druid kidnaps the four girls and preps them for virginal sacrifice.  Now the professor must rescue the four babes but the biker gang survivors are after him.  The sea monster will continue to be menacing and the druid will menace the gals.  The sorority babes wonder why the druid thinks they are virgins.  Nothing about these four babes says "virgin."  Though...who knows?  We mustn't be judgmental. Perhaps they identify as virgins. 

Do any of these four babes have a prayer of surviving to the end credits?  What happens when the gods realize the four vestal virgins are hardly virgins?  Are there any homely women in college sororities?  The cheese factor in this film is off the chart.  The gratuitous shower scenes and other gratuitous nudity are maximized by Mr. Keith.  There will be a lot of jiggling, screaming, and babes in much peril.  See "Mystic Mountain" and then try to figure out why this isn't universally considered the greatest movie ever made.