Amityville Emanuelle, The Most Awkward Emanuelle Film Ever

Okay...when we do get to the threesome...it is incredibly awkward.  Sure, Laura Gemser and Sylvia Kristel seemed natural at threesomes.  Of course, those two beauties did not have the infamous mass-murderer, Ronald DeFeo. Jr., intruding.  Today we have the most realistic (okay, not really) Amityville film ever, 2023's "Amityville Emanuelle," directed by Louis DeStefano.  Women's prisons, cannibal jungles, The Mediterranean, and castles...Emanuelle has been around. Why not Amityville?  Okay, that won't happen here as the film is set in L.A.

Laura Lutz (Dawn Church) is our Emanuelle in this film.  She's very horny and the ghost of Ronald DeFeo wants her.  He'll get her as she is a bit of a slut.  A weird woman brings Laura a box of junk left to her by her dad.  Her dad was the bloke who moved into the Amityville house after DeFeo murdered his family.  Among the contents of the box is DeFeo's ashes.  Okay...Gordon (Shane Ryan) is DeFeo's son.  He is having visions of his dad returning and murdering his friends.  His babe GF Gena (Allie Perez), who loves passion and sex, wants to help him. Laura has an Asian babe friend, Allie (Linda S. Wong) who tries to fix her up. Enter Evan (Chris Spinelli), a dweeb history teacher. Now DeFeo appears under the sheets when Laura satisfies herself...she does not mind this too much. What Emanuelle figure would?

As Allie looks really good, just had to mention that, Laura realizes she needs to do something. Now Gena, and what a passionate babe she is (did I mention that?) brings in her weird cousin, Janet (Saint Heart), who is a medium.  Seances and Ouija boards will be utilized in this film, and pizzas will be ordered. Our cast will engage in pre-marital sex, and a menacing Ronald DeFeo will try to rape and murder. The great horror mind Geno McGahee wrote this one...and we are all grateful for him introducing Emanuelle into the horror genre. Oh!  The ending!  Absolutely classic!

Will the hot Allie get as much action as Gena and Laura receive in this film?  Will Ronald DeFeo commit another mass murder, decades after the Amityville one?  Which babe will DeFeo choose to plant his seed in...if it gets that far?  Forget about Barbi!  Bring back Emanuelle...and thankfully Mr. McGahee and Mr. DeStefano have done just that.  See "Amityville Emanuelle" and see what the whole country is talking about.  

   

Horror 101. Bo Derek as a Horror Professor

22 years after playing the perfect female specimen in "10," Bo Derek did a horror film.  Give her credit ...22 years later, she was still quite the babe.  Though maybe an overly psychopathic one...maybe.  An academic study in horror is the subject of this film and Bo Derek is our babe professor.  She may also be a damsel in great distress, or maybe something much more nefarious.  Either way, we have one with a lot of cheese and beef, 2001's "Horror 101," directed by James Glenn Dudelson.

College hunks and babes are taking Horror 101 ad VBDU (don't ask).  Their professor is Allison James (Derek).  She's sultry and mysterious and looks at her students as a Doberman looks at a lambchop.  But does she want deviant sex...or blood? Her students have a final project due and we'll see some of them.  Professor James also has given some of the hunkier guys a research project for a book she's writing. Brian (Justin Urich) has psychopath written all over him.  Carl (Scott Rinker) is a nerd intrigued by psychopaths. The two of them have been given a mysterious research project.  Oh yes...the babes.  Allison (Lisa Gordon) is a nubile blonde who has killed off another nubile blonde, Lisa (Paityn James) in her horror film.  In actuality, despite being felled by the axe in the film, Lisa is okay.

Tiffany (Brigitta Dau) is my favorite...dumber than Joe Biden (okay, maybe not that dumb)...just how we guys like our sluts.  Her BF is football player Mark (Josh Holland)...all jock.  Okay, the class is summoned during an evening to do their finals and the disappearances begin.  One by one the babes and hunks go missing.  Uh oh...Professor James is also missing.  All eyes are on Brian who really looks psycho.  Sadly, Tiffany goes missing early on.  Clues appear and now we suspect that Bo Derek may not be the sweet babe we'd like her to be.  Throw in hungry Dobermans, spiders, snakes, and bladed weapons.  A final reveal will be horrific so be sure not to get too comfortable.

Is Bo Derek a nympho professor or a psychopathic killer?  Is there any way possible that Tiffany will survive to the end credits?  Is the short horror film made by our two blonde coeds a foreshadow of the fates of all these students?  The cheese, beef...and Bo Derek...highlights this Agatha Christie style plot. For some fun Friday night scares, watch "Horror 101" and enjoy Bo Derek in a different kind of role. 

Motorboat, Sunbathers and RVers Beware!

I'm always delighted when the actors and writers in Hollywood go on strike.  Good riddance Ron Howard and Tom Hanks...go away and please, stay away! For some great summer fare, horror film fare, we always have the Polonia Brothers!  In a movie for our precarious time in history, those terrific moviemakers give us 2023's "Motorboat."  Directed by Mark and Anthony Polonia, we have a film that anyone with a SAG card would've been incapable to give us.  So, again...shut up Fran Drescher!  Go away, in fact.  Let us concentrate on real moviemakers.

Messiah Ward (Michael Korotitsch) and his Brotherhood of Darkness Cult terrorize small communities.  They abduct the innocent and disembowel them on an altar of evil.  Father Thomas (Tim Hatch) has had enough and massacres the cult.  Two years go by...and now a possessed motorboat terrorizes Lake Jude and shreds beach-goers and RVers in its propellers.  Very sad.  Driving the phantom boat is the ghost of Ward.  Now Lake Patrol Chief Barney (Jeff Kirkendall) is investigating these boat propeller accidents.  The coroner confirms they are in fact homicides. Poachers, a nubile sunbather (Jamie Morgan), and RVers will all be shredded in the meantime.

Now Father Thomas and Barney team up to battle to resurrected Messiah Ward.  Barney has a gun.  Thomas advises him bullets will do no good in this battle.  Thomas loads up with crosses and holy water and the two begin hunting the evil phantom.  Much evil ground will be consecrated which will force Ward to come out and fight.  Now Barney and Thomas have had enough of the murders and try to take the fight to Ward.  Uh oh...Ward has already figured on taking the fight to them.  Ward and his ghostly motorboat don't intend to drydock...and our holy duo will fight to the death to end Ward's carnage.

This is no shark attack!  Will Messiah Ward be able to reassemble his cult?  Will Thomas and Barney have enough faith to battle a force from the depths of Hell?  Will the irrelevant souls striking in Hollywood ever get a clue that we do not want them back?  The Polonia Brothers have given us a terrific beach horror film.  Avoid the new "Indiana Jones" monstrosity and see "Motorboat."    

Jesus I Was Evil, Babe Missionary Carnage

Another stark warning...never open your door when the bell rings. Bad news...missionaries (think Mormons) ring your doorbell. Good news...they are two sultry babes. Okay, incredibly homicidal babes that will disembowel you if you don't find Jesus while they are visiting. A fun road to Hell, or delicious incentive to become a believer. Hence 2018's "Jesus I Was Evil," directed by Calvin Morie McCarthy.

From Salt Lake City, two sultry babes, Amber (Airisa Durand) and Martha (Melissa Crossland) have arrived in town to knock on doors and proclaim witness. They are part of a missionary group from The People's Church For a Christian Tomorrow. Traditionally dressed and very clean cut looking, men always allow them entrance. If the duo sees that you are a sinner (if booze, cigarettes, or porn is visible), they disembowel, shoot, or stab you. Oh yeah, they also may eat you. Martha is certainly a true believer and she studies scripture and sincerely wants to convert sinners. Amber is just a psycho babe into homicide, cannibalism, sex, and also booze, cigarettes, drugs, and sex.

Oh yes, they have a nemesis. A sultry girls scout selling cookies (Laura Welsh). Amber and this girl scout will antagonize each other and we can tell one will murder the other. After much murder, mayhem, and torture, the gals knock on Christian's (Cameron Lee Price) door. He's handsome and clean cut (no booze, cigarettes, or porn). Martha is hot for him. Uh oh...he is an agnostic. Amber, who is getting more unwound as the film progresses, wants to kill him. Martha wants to save him. A bit of a feud develops. In the meantime, the gals tie him up. Sensing an opportunity to escape torture and disembowelment, Christian attempts to seduce Martha. Amber then goes on a bloody trek in which she'll murder, have pre-marital sex, and smoke. As a rift appears to develop between Martha and Amber, Christian may prove to be too smart for his own good.

Will the virgin Martha be corrupted and soiled by the handsome agnostic? Is there a cat-fight brewing between Amber, Martha...and perhaps a nubile girl scout? Is the cannibalism in this film a loose representation for Holy Communion when done by psycho-bitch cannibals? Perhaps this is not the best movie to bring up in an adult Bible study, however, "Jesus I Was Evil" is fun, bloody, and the two babe missionary gals are nice to look at. 

Engine Trouble, Belgium Babes in Peril

Not even Belgium escapes slasher horror. Maybe you thought Belgium was only good for beer, chocolates, and weak political leadership...not so! Flemish horror does indeed exist. Just like Italy and Germany...Euro-babes also exist in Belgium, too. Today we look at 2002's "Engine Trouble," directed by Marc Ickx.

Two Euro-babes, Rebecca (Cecilia Bergqvist) and Sandra (Marlene Simons) are going on a two-week vacation together. The dolls pile into Sandra's old car and head out of the city. Uh oh...the car breaks down just past a really creepy gas station. Rebecca is too creeped out to go back to the gas station which seems to have a wild animal locked up inside. Sandra goes...and we'll never see her again...at least in one piece. With Sandra missing-in-action, Rebecca believes she is fortunate that the station's tow truck just happens by. Robert (Bob Dougherty) seems like a clean cut mechanic and fixes the car. Rebecca drives back to the station and finds out no one there has seen Sandra...or so they say. 

Unbeknownst to Rebecca, when she drives away, whatever creature (Marcel Romeijn) was locked up at the station has moved to her trunk. Yep, the old car breaks down again and now the creature in the trunk starts attacking Rebecca. Oh yeah, we see Sandra again...first her head, then the rest of her body. Very bloody. The creature, armed with a menacing sickle now pursues Rebecca and chases her into an abandoned military installation. She'll be captured by the creature who loves collecting Euro-babes as play toys. Strung up with another Euro-babe, Melissa (Arlette Adriani), the two will be tormented by the thing. Melissa will be torn to pieces but Rebecca will find a way to free herself of her chains. Now she must outsmart, not only the creature...but the evil antagonists who have placed in in harms way. 

Will Euro-babe Rebecca survive the aroused creature, or become another one of its broken toys? Just who, is responsible for funneling a steady stream of Euro-babes to this creature? Is the creature a thinly veiled metaphor for Belgium's horrid show in fighting off the Nazis in World War 2? Rebecca and Sandra give us some great Euro-babe scenery and their predicament is quite horrific. Fans of 1980s slasher films will love this Flemish horror movie. For some nice gore, cheesecake, and scary creature action, see "Engine Trouble." 

Cabal, The Super Elite Dissect Nubile Babes

So why do nubile babes, clad in bikinis or or nothing at all, die so horribly in horror films? This is not a rhetorical question. The answer might be posed to Klaus Schwab, Warren Buffett, or the Clintons. The dozen or so blokes who actually run the world have an agenda and we are just their lab rats. After learning all about Jeffrey Epstein, party coordinator for the super-rich, we know what the uber billionaires think of us. 35 minutes into this Rene Perez film, we get a good explanation to the aforementioned question. Hence 2020's "Cabal."

Dragonfly (John Ozuna) is a super secret assassin working for an elite cabal (think George Soros). He kills without asking questions. This won't last. Elizabeth (Eva Hamilton) is his handler. First Elizabeth figures it out...the elites are actually evil murdering the masses. Parallel plot: Sollis (Tony Jackson), an axe-man clad in a mask made of human skin is hunting nubile babes in the wilderness. Most are models in bikinis lured into the forest by this elite organization. Sollis finds them and disembowels them. The nubile babes' remains are sent to a weird clinic so their organs can be harvested and given to old rich broads. Elizabeth knows Dragonfly is one of the 'good guys' and convinces him to invade the forest and kill Sollis.

Dragonfly will have no trouble finding Sollis as beset babes litter the wooded paths. Meanwhile we get to meet these elitists...and the conversations they have are right out of the playbooks of Klaus Schwab, George Soros, the Clintons, and Warren Buffett. By praising deviance, and making women insane, these devils will control society, harvest their organs, and live forever. Now Dragonfly is hunting Sollis as Sollis hunts him. Oh yes, the elite commando squad is also hunting him...and Elizabeth, the babe on the sideline is put in mortal danger herself.

Will Sollis ever be turned loose on his wealthy employers? Will the nubile Elizabeth fall victim to the devious plot she is trying to stop? Will Dragonfly's assassination techniques be successful against Sollis and his bosses? This is an extreme horror film of the torment the 99% is beset with by the upper one percent. For some neat social commentary with gore and nubile babes in much peril, see "Cabal."
 

Septic Man, Excrement and Upchuck

Disgusting from the opening scene. Yep...today, let us plow into the septic system of modern horror.  This one from Ontario will ask you to delve in s**t for the duration of this film.  Vomit, too.  Before you dismiss this one, remember, what is being added to our drinking water is poised to become a hot-button issue thanks to the candidacy of Robert F. Kennedy, Jr.  We all yawned when fluoride was added to our tap water...but was it done so without malice or harm?  Arsenic?  Yep, that's in it too.  What next.  The results of all that are theorized in 2013's "Septic Man," a Canadian film directed by Jessie Thomas Cook.

Collingwood, Ontario is having a problem.  A myriad of diseases are killing the population and traced back to the water supply.  Missing persons and dying suddenly and horribly are plaguing the place.  The mayor (Stephen McHattie) orders evacuation and the army moves in to quarantine and enforce the evacuation. A lone septic man who works for the city, Jack (Jason David Brown), is paid to stay and figure out what is contaminating the water.  A weird consortium represented by Prosser (Julian Richings) represents a cabal eager to find out what backed up into the underground drinking water.  Jack heads down under and begins exploring the intake and outtake pipes.  What he finds is disgusting.

Uh oh...in the city's underground septic tank, dozens of human corpses mix with s**t.  Even worse, Jack falls in and then is kept prisoner down there by a weird giant (Robert Maillet) and his animalistic brother, Lord Auc (Timothy Burd).  These two have a weird relationship that includes murder.  The duo seem intent on keeping some secret.  Now the excrement covered Jack begins changing into a monster.  More bodies are dumped from above.  Even Prosser is tossed in.  Physically, Jack changes...and in other ways, too. You'll see.  Any hope for Jack to get out?  One slim chance...his pregnant wife (Molly Dunsworth) is determined to find him.  Unfortunately, Jack may no longer be the man she knew.

Is Jack too far gone to be rescued with his humanity in tact?  What and who are contaminating Collingwood's water supply?  Now that everyone likes RFK Jr. better than Biden, will he be allowed to bring the issue of contaminated drinking water into an election season?  This is an icky one...but may be an important plot.  If you can stomach s**t and vomit for 90 minutes...and rats...and disembowelment...and mutant monsters...then "Septic Man" is the film for you.

  

Badmouth, Zombies, Transvestite Prostitute, Hot Asian Assassin, White Trash...

It is easy to say this film is garbage.  I challenge you to give me a reason why you would say that. In what is perhaps the greatest cinematic effort to chronicle the ethos of modern day Australia, 2011's "Badmouth," directed by Guy Moore, is filled with cheese, gore, zombies, and nudity. There is even a scene when some bloke gets his balls blown off and he just sews them back on and moves on in life. Hot chicks making out and white trash deviants getting their heads cut off also are plot devices that make this film plea for Australia to get back its manhood.

Mike (Jacob Brown) is narrating this story.  He's dead...kind of.  He murders a prostitute when he finds out that the whore is actually a guy.  The tranny's besties are hot assassins, Baddie (Anjie Roebuck) and Kitten (Da Boom).  Kitten will noose Mike and burn him.  He'll be back. Before this happens, Mike's dad, Nobbie (John Green), gets his balls shot off and gutted...only a flesh wound in the outback. Now baddie and Kitten descend into town and invade the abode of sultry tease Ashley (Mia Robinson) and her hubby Dick (Bobey Taleb).  Baddie wants to have mad sex with Ashley and vice versa.  There will be a lot of hot lesbian make-out scenes as Kitten also gets into the action.

Skinny dipping, decapitations, and evil babe versus evil babe carnage ensues.  Ashley is making a powerplay...so is Baddie and Kitten.  Not all will survive.  The men?  They drink a lot and die...and return to life.  Sometimes they lose their heads.  When the guys see the hot chicks making out, they get aroused and try to get in on some of the action,  Zombie/babe action is not frowned upon in the outback...or for that matter anywhere else, these days. Naked or in lingerie, our babes get violent and aroused.  The guys will see this as a mixed blessing.

Okay, that's enough.  Will Kitten, Baddie, and Ashley get involved in a threesome?  Will their zombie guys turn the tables on them?  Which of these evil chicks will survive the evil wrath of the other evil chicks?  So satisfying on many levels.  If you were forced to see the new 'Indiana Jones' film...treat yourself and see this Australian film, "Badmouth."  

Rise of the Scarecrows: Hell on Earth, Pitchforks and Lumberjack Saws...Oh My!

Clowns?  never liked them.  You may have noticed we do not do clown horror on this blog.  Scarecrows? That's more like it!  Invented to be scary, scarecrows are an underused plot device in modern horror. Leave it to my new buddy Geno McGahee to provide us with some nice scarecrow horror featuring sickles, axes, lumberjack saws, and pitchforks.  So, indulge yourself...Halloween is coming...let's get in the mood early.  Today we look at 2021's "Rise of the Scarecrows:  Hell on Earth."

Mitch (Eric Michaelian), a bore...in fact his wife left him because of that...arrives to see his dad.  Mitch's mom died and he has returned to comfort his dad, Ben (Brent Northup).  How did his mom die? A mystery, you'll see.  Before boring his dad half to death, Stacy (Lorrie Bacon) shows up.  So sweet.  The two hit it off.  Ben is pleased his son has found a babe.  The two hit it off and seem meant for one another.  Oh yes...scarecrows infest the woods surrounding this New England town.  Campers are cut up with farm tools.  Very bloody.  Uh oh again, Ben seems to have some connection to these demon scarecrows that love pitchforks and sickles.  As Mitch and Stacy grow their romance, they find themselves partying with some young campers.  Ben shows his dancing prowess and Stacy chugs beer.  So sweet.

The scarecrows converge.  It appears there is a secret in the town.  The secret has the townsfolk paying tribute to these fiends by providing them blood sacrifices.  Now Ben is afraid his own son might fall victim to them.  More campers will be cut in half or impaled and hung up.  Now the milquetoast Mitch must man up if he intends to save his new girlfriend and emerge from this evil town in one piece.  The scarecrows are indiscriminate and have no sensitivity for new love or innocent campers.

Will Mitch and Stacy survive to someday marry and begin a family?  Will Ben man-up and work to protect his son from the cursed entities that drink blood in the woods?  After the 'Curse of the Bambino' was broken in 2004, are these scarecrows and their murderous torment a replacement to ruin the day for Sox fans?  Great job by Mr. McGahee and his cast and crew.  For some neat and classic New England horror, see "Rise of the Scarecrows:  Hell on Earth."   

Night of Fear, Aussie Babe in Peril

Peril?  That's an understatement.  Our feature today was originally made to be an episode of an Australian TV show. Pretty sick, at that. Okay, we Americans should talk...probably not as sick as Steven Bochco's "Cop Rock."  This is a twisted and suggestively perverted one made from a time when Australia was a country for real men.  You'll wince and shake your head...and the images on the screen will get sicker.  Today we look at 1973's "Night of Fear," directed by Terry Burke.

She's a babe.  Blonde and very sweaty. A babe horseback rider (Briony Behets).  Uh oh...an axman/deviant (Norman Yemm) watches her in the woods.  He captures her, and beheads the horse.  Then what he does to our sultry and sweaty equestrian babe...so sad. Fast forward...the prostitute (Carla Hoogeveen)...and she is also sultry.  After servicing a client she meets another one, a married man, for tennis and afternoon delight. The sultry party girl then has an auto mishap and ends up off road.  Now the deviant is after her.  I should say, the deviant and his pet rat are after her.

A sweaty and horrific chase occur leading our babe exactly where our deviant wants her.  Before she is abducted she gets a whiff of exactly what he seeks to do to her.  It won't be pretty.  She's helpless and totally non-qualified to offer any kind of resistance.  This is sad because our evil deviant has so much planned for her that includes thousands of rats.  She'll scream a lot, but will she develop a plan to escape the horror she had gotten herself into?  The rats hope not.

Will our lovely and scantily dressed prostitute toughen up and fight the evil misogynist?  What did happen to the Aussie babe on horseback?  Just what could thousands of rats do to an Aussie woman of the night? Gross, sick, and not the feel good film of the 1970s.  To stroke your prurient and weird tastes, see "Night of Fear," and witness how horribly the beautiful can fall.   

Satanic Meat Cleaver Massacre, Blue State Carnage

We don't get many films from Palmer, Massachusetts.  Palmer, Massachusetts? Yep, there is a bowling alley there.  Everyone there will die horribly in this movie.  Now, thanks to Geno McGehee, we have a film that will have four times as many kills as the Boston Massacre did over 200 years ago.  As far as a body count, not many films can beat this one.  Though low-budget, we do have a strange mix of "The Devil's Rain" and "Legacy."  You may never go bowling again after seeing our film today, 2017's (filmed in 2009) "Satanic Meat Cleaver Massacre."

As our film begins, the lovely Courtney Brooke Hall is chased down by satanic cultists and sacrificed.  Massachusetts does not have many babes, so this is a huge loss.  Okay, granny dies...no one liked her. Nevertheless, her relatives come as far as 3 miles away to attend her funeral.  Hey, its Palmer, Massachusetts, No one likable exists in this family. Geno (Forris Day, Jr.), a reporter, shows up with his hot wife, Danielle (LeeAnn Aubuchon). Even though Granny has died...she is seen murdering her relatives with a meat cleaver.  She'll kill so many...We are happy to see these people butchered.  Geno begins reporting on these murders for his newspaper.  Now Detective Dwyer (Brent Northup) investigates and works with Geno to uncover clues.  When witnesses report seeing Granny...well, now they may be dealing with the undead.

Granny, if she is indeed the killer, continues butchering.  She'll even take out at least 10 at the bowling lanes.  Geno becomes a suspect of Dwyer's as relatives he hates die on demand.  Half of Red Sox nation is butchered...yes!  Now Geno gets bold and wants to dig up Granny's grave.  Uh oh...Geno's grandpa alludes to a deadly family secret...just before he is butchered.  Now Geno believes uncovering the family secret will lead to the identity of the killer.  Meanwhile...Danielle continues to look really good making us wonder if she was imported from Florida for this film.

Is Granny alive or dead?  What is the family secret that grandpa died with?  Will the bowling alley massacre spell the end for candlepin bowling in this nation?  Yankee fans will love this film.  For some campy slasher fare...see "Satanic Meat Cleaver Massacre." 

Sea Fever, Sea Monster vs. Fishermen

A family of fishermen...and of course, the sultry redheaded babe. Hence, a horror film from Ireland. Fans of redheads will love the beautiful Hermione Corfield.  Fans of horror will love the squid/jellyfish creature.  Fands of claustrophobic horror will love the man versus parasitic threat tale aboard an old fishing vessel.  Paranoia, tendrils, infection, and salty characters will float your boat even as the one in this film seems destined to sink. Today we look at 2019's "Sea Fever," directed by Neasa Hardiman.

Siobhan is a scientist in a lab doing experiments on parasites and their proclivity to adapt. A true babe, I know.  She really is.  Flowing red hair and great big...well, she has a big smile.  As many of us do, she hates people.  Too bad...to get her PhD and to complete her thesis, she must board a fishing vessel, study the catch, and live among a fisherman family during their voyage.  Uh oh...a huge sea monster attaches itself to the ship as soon as the captain (Dougray Scott) ventures into 'off-limits' waters.  The tendrils of this thing that shows similarities to the two aforementioned creatures, melt holes in the hull and secrete a slime into it.  Siobhan dives into the water to get a loo at it and sees the monster.  She returns to the boat with a look that says, "we're f**ked."

Stuck in the water, Siobhan, the captain, and Johnny (Jack Hickey) take a rowboat to a neighboring and anchored fishing boat.  Everyone on board the vessel is dead...and their eyes have all exploded.  Back to their own boat, infection begins among the crew.  Sadly, Johnny, who Siobhan is sweet on, is the first.  His eyes explode and Siobhan realizes the parasites have gotten into the freshwater hold.  Now one by one infection sets in.  The fishermen, as salty as they are, need Siobhan to figure out something.  The monster hovers down below and another one grows in the hold.  Siobhan figures out how to test for infection, with horrible results.  Then she comes up with a plan...not a good one...not one any sane person will buy into...but its a plan. Horror awaits as the crew realizes making port may mean the infection of all of Ireland (as if England hasn't already done this to that poor country).

Will our sultry redhead survive and make it back to Ireland with a newfound love for people?  Will the fishermen make calamari of their slithery tormentor?  Will Siobhan, as a scientist who hates people, insist on trying to communicate with this new and rare lifeform?  Actually, don't scoff at that last question...you'll see.  See "Sea Fever," and never go fishing again.

Machete, Overcast and Bloody

All right...let us dive right in.  This one isn't going to get a whole lot of love. Amateurish or stylish.  Boring or a slow burn? Horrific or dumb?  Could go either way. Me...I liked it.  Stylish, horrific, and a slow burn...albeit a bloody slow burn.  What we can agree on is a great looking cast...two hunks and two babes.  Also, the weather...overcast...kind of glum for a Spring Break in Mexico film. Today we look at 2006's "Machete" (aka "Sea Me"), directed by M. Claxton Crawford.

No ambition Jeremy (Brandon Cantello), his hot GF Crystal (Danielle Largay), bestie skateboarder/stoner Shawn (Jared Cohn), and his GF Cindy (Kelly Wood) drive down the coast to spend their break in Mexico.  Jeremy has rented a beach house, but it is very gloomy.  The beach town it is in seems deserted and it is always cloudy.  Jeremy is thinking of attending a junior college and the hot Crystal is upset that he is not as interested in her as he used to be.  Cindy looks great in a bikini and loves sex under the influence with Shawn.  Did I mention it is cloudy?  The four seem bored and Crystal is not able to rekindle a fire in their relationship.  Cindy loves reading about serial killers and we can't help but desire her to be the final girl.

So what happens...not much. Okay, eventually something will happen.  A maniac is squatting in the town and probably has murdered all the residents.  Eventually the maniac sets his sights on the hunks and babes. There will be machetes, meat cleavers, bombs, and exploding heads.  This will be hard to believe if you sit through the first 75 minutes of this film.  Carnage and heartbreak will rule the ending of this movie.  We do desire Jeremy to get horribly murdered...there is just something so annoying about him.  But will he?

Will there be a final girl in this slasher film?  Will Cindy or Crystal realize that they are hot babes and then seek two guys with some semblance of earning power?  Is the cloud drenched Mexican coast a metaphor for the corruption and cartel reign in that unfortunate country?  Gloomy and eventually gory, if you have patience, take in "Machete." 

Day the World Ended, Grouches Survive

Several grouchy men and two sultry babes...they're all that's left. It doesn't take a genius to figure out how this will go. Add a really neat rubber suited monster, and men anxious to sow their seeds and we have a Roger Corman classic: 1955's "Day the World Ended." Every five years we get some 'crisis' that the citizenry preach is their reason for being the most beset and worried generation in the history of mankind. Now we have a phony pandemic, and in the 1950s we had the constant threat of nuclear annihilation.  AIDS had its turn...so did terrorism and biological bombs...the corruption of never ending wars and Vietnam...and being ignored on social media cause or have caused people to lose sleep. Roger Corman was on the atomic bomb scare of post World War 2, and here is his love letter to that 'crisis.'

An atomic apocalypse has occurred. Jim (Paul Birch) is a grouch survivalist who has a compound secreted in between lead-laden mountains. He lives there alone with his sultry daughter, Louise (Lori Nelson). As in all these last-man-on-Earth films...a crowd then shows up. First it is a hunk geologist, Rick (Richard Denning). He brings with him a poor schmuck dying of radiation poisoning, Radek (Paul Dubov). He's deteriorating into a mutant. Then Mannix...er, Tony (Mike Connors) and the sultry cabaret performer Ruby (Adele Jergens) arrive.  Tony is a thug and immediately sees Louise and wants to trade in Ruby for her. This makes Ruby sad. Uh oh...Jim promises his daughter to Rick...not that Louise has anything to say about this.

Bad news. Mutants are forming in the wilderness. These monsters now beckon Louise. Louise and Ruby will have some nice swimsuit scenes, and the monster is very happy about this. To add insult on Ruby...the monster also chooses Louise over Ruby. Can't a girl get a break? As Tony tries to steal a gun so he can shoot everyone, Rick and Jim try to contact more survivors on their radio and plan for Rick's day as the new Adam and Louise as the new Eve. Uh oh...the monster and Tony might have something to say about this. As the monster gets bolder, so does Tony and survivors will begin joining the ranks of the dead.

Will Rick survive the nuclear fallout and Tony, and then get to plant his seed into the bathing beauty Louise, before the rubber suited monster does? What will become of Ruby, the showgirl, now that jealousy and anger are guiding her?  Were folks really scared the Soviets were going to bomb us or did this 'action line' just create some dramatic news stories for the Edward F. Murrows' of the day? Either be calm and live life or cower under your bed...either way, enjoy "Day the World Ended," and realize we have thousands and thousands more nukes now than we did in the 1950s...and look who we elected to hold the "nuclear football." 

Steel Trap, Skyscraper Carnage

Vicious!  Dark!  Maybe bordering on, but not quite, torture porn!  Imaginative kills!  Gore!  Babes and hunks in peril!  We have a good one today.  Every character deserves his/her intended fate.  We do get the feeling the slasher may have a good reason he is doing what he's doing.  Yet...we are pulling for our flawed protagonists...they are great looking, after all.  Today we look at 2007's "Steel Trap," directed by Luis Camara.

A New Year's Eve party gets dull a minute after midnight.  Bigwigs from the entertainment industry are at this party held in a soon to be razed skyscraper, now abandoned.  Wade (Mark Wilson) has just sung his rock version of Auld Lang Syne...he's a hunk. Now he smooches with Nicole (Julia Ballard), an advice columnist who hates people.  Nicole's fiancé, Robert (Pascal Longdale) watches in disgust. Wade moves to skank Melanie (Annabella Wallis). Meanwhile, cooking show host Kathy (Georgia Mackenzie) is trying to fend off babe network exec, Pamela (Joanna Bobin).  There are a couple more. As the party gets dull, all receive a mysterious text inviting them to an after-party on the 27th floor.  Stupidly, they all go.

Yep, a killer has lured them all there.  He has a grudge against all of them and begins hunting them.  One by one, the killer abducts them and murders them in the most tortuous means.  The beautiful and beefy will die horribly.  You can guess who will go first...but eventually the not-yet-dead will have to work together and figure out what is going on.  So full of themselves, they may not have the capability to do that and soon suspect one another.  The killer uses their mistrust against them and continues his demented hunt.  Oddly, I found myself cheering for Nicole.  Beautiful and unlikable...she seems to hate everyone.  In fairness to her, her criticisms of her cohorts seems justified.  Blades, wires, power-saws, and meat hooks are just some of the killer's weapons.  Clad in sequins and high heals, the babes are in no position to fight back.  Their guy's?  Filled with testosterone and alcohol, equally as useless.  Still, they do put up an effort and fight to survive.

Will the group ever put their egos and vanity aside and work together to mount a decent fight for their lives?  Will Nicole's beauty be enough to make her survive even though she is so unlikable?  Is one of the party revelers the mad slasher?  Do we need more entertainment industry bigwigs to be put into this very predicament?  Sadistic and cruel, see "Steel Trap," and cheer or gasp at each killing.