Wednesday, July 31, 2019

Night of the Blood Apes, Before There was Gail Kim...

Ah! Female wrestling! We are all thinking the same thing, I know. There are not enough films out there utilizing gorgeous female wrestlers as protagonists. Travesty! Hence, from Mexico, 1969's "Night of the Bloody Apes." Before there was Gail Kim...before Tina Ferrari seduced us as the G.L.O.W. champion, their path was blazed with the likes of the Fabulous Moolah. These femme-grapplers often wore tight leotards or swimsuits and inflicted gruesome damage on their femme-rivals. Now, why not pit them against ape-man?
Lucy Osorio (Norma Lazareno), a contemporary of The Fabulous Moolah destroys her opponent, Elena Gomez (Gina Morett) in the ring. Uh oh...its all real and Elena suffers a serious head injury. Dr. Krallman (Jose Elias Moreno) is called in to operate but can do very little. Poor Dr. Krallman, his own son Julio (Augustin Martinez Solares) is dying from a terminal illness. Never one to give up, the mad-scientist that he is, Dr. Krallman steals an ape from the zoo in order to secure a new heart for his son. Meanwhile, the red leotard clad Lucy is annihilated in her next match as she is wrought with guilt over destroying Elena.
Okay, Julio's new ape heart turns him into an ape-man monster. He immediately barges into the shower of a nubile young woman (Noella Noel), fondles her a lot, rapes her, and claws her to death. This, of course is a very gratuitous scene. He'll kill more men and strip many more women. Dr. Krallman recaptures Julio and now steals the comatose body of Elena from the hospital and rips out her heart and gives it to Julio. Meanwhile, Lucy gets her groove back and after decimating more women grapplers, gives us some gratuitous nude shower and locker room scenes. Now the women's wrestling champion Lucy leaves the arena not knowing she is on a collision course with a rapist, ape-man monster. What will happen? Clue: Lucy's dress will be shredded.
Will the monster ape-man be able to disrobe and rape the world women's wrestling champion as easy as other nubile showering Mexican women? Are the advances in science worth a few (okay, a few dozen) sexual assaults? Will this film have us all rethinking King Kong's relationship to Fay Wray? Directed by Rene Cardona, "Night of the Bloody Apes" is a gratuitous (in nudity and gore) horror film from south of the border. Enjoy, but don't bring this movie up during job interviews or church pot-luck dinners.

Monday, July 29, 2019

Mansion of the Doomed, Eyes of Strangers

Actually, not all of the eyes are of strangers. Lance Henriksen isn't a stranger to the nubile Nancy (Trish Stewart), but most of the eyes she ends up with are eyes of strangers.  You gotta love a mad-scientist who has a big cage off of his basement laboratory to keep his failed experiments. I don't mean to be judgmental, as many of us have utilized cages for our own embarrassing  failures...but still, in horror films, these types of mad-scientists always prove to be the most colorful. Hence 1976's "Mansion of the Doomed." Warning...though a lot of eyes will be pulled out here, you may find your self diverting your own eyes from the silver screen.
Wrought with guilt from causing an accident that results in his daughter's blindness, renown eye surgeon, Dr. Chaney (Richard Basehart) is determined to restore her sight. The newly blind Nancy is now very sad and just so happens to be engaged to her dad's rival, Dr. Dan Bryan (Henriksen). Now that Dr. Chaney has a personal stake in the subject of restoring sight to the blind, he decides to adopt Dr. Bryan's theory...transplanting new eyes into the blind. Yep, you guessed it, he drugs his daughter's fiance and removes his eyes, placing those eyes into Nancy. It seems to have worked, Nancy sees again and Dr. Bryan is delegated to the aforementioned cage where he loses his sanity and wanders about with two holes in his face...yuck!
Not knowing where the eyes came from, Nancy is happy again. Yep, you got it...the eyes stop working. Dr. Chaney believes he can perfect it and finds a hooker for the next donor. It works again...and then the eyes go bad. You got it...a pretty nurse...a sultry real estate agent...two thugs...etc. Meanwhile the cage is filling up with lunatics with holes in their faces. Also, Nancy's once beautiful face is horrifically scarred after all those eye transplants. Now the lunatics begin working together to plot escape...and Dr. Chaney begins looking at children as donors. As the drooling and ranting lunatics get smarter, and as Dr. Chaney gets more brazen...a gruesome ending takes shape.
Are a few (okay, maybe a dozen) lunatics in a cage an acceptable price for the advances of science? Will the once pretty and sane Nancy be pretty and sane again...and be able to see? Will the now lunatic and monstrous Dr. Bryan be able to exact revenge on the fiend that plucked out his orbs and re-capture the love he had for the now hideous Nancy? A heart warming story that is quite gory will shock you and have you wondering how you missed this tale from 1976. Directed by Michael Pataki, "Mansion of the Doomed" contains some of the most horrific images ever put on film. If you can still point your eyes at the screen by the end credits, you would have taken in a gem of a horror film.

Saturday, July 27, 2019

The Haunted Casino, You Bet...You Lose...You Die

What is it with Charles Band and sultry Asian female lawyers? In 1999's "Blood Dolls" the fabulous Cindy Agami plays a lawyer who ends up tortured, stripped, humiliated...and shrunken into a doll-monster. So horrible, the very pretty actress, making her movie debut, would never appear in any other film. So today we look at 2007's "The Haunted Casino" (aka "Dead Man's Hand"). Still harboring something evil for beautiful Japanese lawyers, Charles Band does something similar to actress Diane Mizota. In the opening scene, wearing a smartly sexy business suit, this beautiful real estate attorney has her head crushed as she is slashed to pieces.
With the aforementioned Diane Mizota torn apart by vicious ghosts...the plot advances. Matt (Scott Whyte) inherits a long abandoned casino. He and his pretty GF JJ (Robin Sydney) go to claim it with a bunch of their great looking friends. Most notably is annoying rock-star Skeeter (Kavan Reece) and his skank GF Paige (Kristyn Green). Also along is the annoying third wheel Jimbo (Wes Armstrong) and the nerdy but attractive Emily (Lily Rains). An annoying group, but fear not, they will begin dying horribly.
 The ghosts appear...and they are mean. Roy (Sid Haig) and Gil (Michael Berryman) partook in a massacre at the casino back in the 1960s. Dead now, they return to exact revenge from the heir of the man who cheated them out of a fortune. A machete wielding blackjack dealer (Kristopher Logan) and a voluptuous cocktail waitress (Jessica Morris) will also return from the dead. Unfortunately for the skank Paige, she will tick off the ghost waitress'll see. Now as the ghosts begin playing rigged games of chance with the living, limbs are lost and lives are sucked out of their bodies. Now Matthew must think fast and turn the tables on his dead tormentors if he plans to survive and also save the nubile JJ.
Just what is Matthew's strategy for beating the cheating ghosts? What happened decades ago to set these vicious ghosts against the heir of the casino owner? Is Charles Band still upset about Pearl Harbor? This is a neat one from Full Moon Entertainment...though hardly a classic. Fans of Full Moon Entertainment will want to check out "The Haunted Casino," directed by Charles Band.

Thursday, July 25, 2019

Raiders of the Sun, A Sultry Blonde and War-Midgets

A sultry blonde clad in too-tight yoga pants. Midget warriors wielding battleaxes. A hunk sporting great pecs who grunts a lot. An apocalyptic wasteland where the most valuable commodity is gunpowder (yep, Frank Herbert based Dune on this film). Best of all, this is a Cirio H.Santiago film. With epic war scenes rivaling "Patton," 1992's "Raiders of the Sun" will satisfy where the newest "Mad Max" film disappointed.
Nuclear war has destroyed most of the world and an army called The Alpha League has emerged as the only noble collection on the planet. Fortunately The Alpha League has a monopoly on gunpowder, but unfortunately many traitors from its ranks have formed an army. Under the command of Clay (William Steis), the evil army repeatedly attacks The Alpha League's arsenal. Meanwhile hunk Brodie and his pecs roams the wastelands in his souped up car looking for trouble. After repelling the evil invasion, handsome Talbot (Blake Boyd) leaves the army to go back to his sultry wife Vera (Brigitte Stenberg) and her yoga pants. Uh oh, Clay's brother Hoghead (Rick Dean) has his own army and wipes out Vera's village and abducts her.
Vera is now a prisoner of Hoghead, and he desires pre-marital sex with her. Desiring to stay pure for Talbot, the spunky blonde always busts Talbot's jaw when he tries to rape her. Now Talbot seeks to infiltrate Hoghead's camp and free his wife. Brodie, when he isn't killing nuked out survivors, befriends Talbot and joins his quest. Brodie will lose interest in this noble quest probably because Vera is already married and a Filipino babe named Sierra (Lani Lobangco) with an army of midgets falls in love with him and has gratuitous pre-marital sex with him. As Talbot tries to rescue his wife, Brodie shacks up with Sierra and her midgets. Uh oh, Sierra's village sits on a gunpowder mine and Clay's and Hoghead's armies head over there. As the midgets grab their battleaxes, Brodie prepares for an all out deciding battle.
Will Vera ever meet Sierra and if they do will a cat-fight ensue (remember, this is a Cirio H. Santiago film)? Were the battleaxe wielding midgets the inspiration for the Ewoks in the "Star Wars" series? "Raiders of the Sun" is so much fun as it is filled with epic war scenes, gratuitous love, and plenty of beefcake and cheesecake. Enjoy, and remember the H in Cirio H. Santiago stands for 'Gratuitous.' 

Tuesday, July 23, 2019

Mega Scorpions, Them Made by Full Moon Entertainment

What if Charles Band and Full Moon Pictures remade "Them"? Replace James Whitmore's character with a zany funeral director and then replace James Arness' character with a sultry blonde skank...and we have 2003's "Mega Scorpions." Almost the exact same picture, except Full Moon's version has more blood and guts.
The sultry ex-con Joey (Sarah Megan White) is making out with Eric (Jeff Dylan Graham) when he decides to get more probing. Bad move, as a six-foot scorpion will rip him apart sending Joey running back home, drenched in her former beau's blood. See, hazardous waste has been illegally dumped on a scorpion nest and the buggers grow...and grow...and grow. Now the beasts beset an Arizona town, more notably, beset a halfway house filled with ex-cons. One ex-con is Jim (Nicolas Read) who is on parole for killing his wife (Brinke Stevens). It was a bum rap as the lovely Miss Stevens was ripped apart by a monster scorpion.
Now, maybe, people will believe Jim as a horde of these fiends invade town. They'll eat the mayor, sheriff, some more halfway house residents. Now the director of the house, Alice (Marcella Laasch) will team up with Jim to find the evil nest as the sultry and promiscuous Joey will team up with the funeral director Collins (Sewell Whitney) to figure out how to kill the mutant insects. As the scorpions get bolder, our dimwitted quartet will have to luck into some good fortune in order to turn the tables on the hungry and malicious beasts.
Will Joey find someone else to make out with after she showers the remains of Eric off of her? Will the nerdy Collins be able to find a way to kill the monsters and perhaps earn a chance to suck face with Joey? Is the scorpion invasion of Arizona a pertinent metaphor for the invasion of all the New York and New England  seniors leaving their snowy climate for newly built Arizona suburbs?  "Mega Scorpions" is a Full Moon production, directed by J.R. Bookwalter, which will throw a lot of green slime and bloody guts at you...enjoy!

Monday, July 22, 2019

Son of the Saw, The Legacy of Leatherface

In 1974 we were shocked. Who can John Larroquette narrates, we are in a wooden coffin with a decomposing corpse. If that were unsettling enough, some creep is prying it open. Each time light penetrates the long darkened inside of the coffin we see more of the decomposing corpse. This macabre opening will serve as the opening scene to "The Texas Chainsaw Massacre." Sequels, a re-make, and sequels of the remake...even a 3D effort would ensue. But wait! There is a suggestion that this family, Leatherface and his kinfolk, may have been real. What is the history, myth and fact, of Leatherface and his family? Did they exist?
Today we look at a 2018 horror short (26 minutes) called "Son of the Saw."  A TV show host (Charles Walker) and his crew have the same questions I posed above. Being the competent investigative reporter that he is, he and his young crew end up at an east Texas home that Leatherface hailed from. No big deal...Leatherface is long gone...or is he? The crew isn't immediately a weird guy armed with a shotgun (Eric Xton) has no use for city folk. The reporter then does what he does best...get people who don't want to talk. Our redneck with a shotgun invites them all in to hear the real story of Leatherface.
Some stories are best left untold, unfortunately TV reporters never can grasp that logic. The small house on a Texas plain is packed's weird. They are presumably family members and probably kinfolk of the famous Leatherface and his cannibalistic family. The ensuing story is creepy and the setting is ominous and claustrophobic. We see the impending peril before the TV crew. Then he shows up...or should I say, He shows up. The account we have heard suggests Leatherface is some sort of a deity and what's going on on this property is cult-ish. The He, 'Son of the Saw', that shows up is armed with a chainsaw. The chase is on and what happens next may not be too unpredictable ...but what is incredibly frightening is the synergy that inspires the whole clan. Not to give too much away, but the horrific and grotesque will be joined with the taboo and forbidden, so be prepared for an incredibly awkward and uncomfortable viewing experience.
Eric Xton and Mike Ransburg directed this horrific short film with the intention of giving us a 100% horror film. No feel good rests from the humorous interludes...just graphic horror in what is on the screen and what goes on in your mind as you view it. Christophe Murdock is terrifying and menacing as the Leatherface incarnate, so be warned. For a frightening half hour, find "Son of the Saw," and be indeed captures the horror and taboo setting of the 1974 shots from inside the coffin that originally gave us "The Texas Chainsaw Massacre."

Sunday, July 21, 2019

The Victim, A Hermit, an Exotic Dancer, and Murder

So sweet. Michael Biehn makes a movie with the sultry Jennifer Blanc...they fall in love. They get married. Okay, stop it...I heard that. You divorced guys out there just can't shut up. No, Michael Biehn is not the victim! Just because he tied the knot doesn't mean he is a victim of anything. No...the victim in 2011's "The Victim" may be the renowned scream-queen Danielle Harris...who will be murdered in the opening scene.
Two beautiful dancers, Annie (Jennifer Blanc-Biehn) and Mary (Harris) are partying in the wilderness with two deputies. James (Ryan Honey) is a super-cop and will be sheriff soon and his best detective Cooger (Denny Kirkwood) have deviant sex, and alcoholic consumption planned. Bad news for Mary...her ho-hum attitude toward James' tally-whacker sends him into a fit of rage and the super-cop kills her. Bad news for Annie...she's a witness...and now running for her life. Pursued by the cop duo, Annie finds an isolated wilderness cabin and pleads with Kyle (Biehn) to let her in. Hesitantly he does. There is a reason why some men become hermits...but when a well built exotic dancer pounds on our doors...well...maybe we all would become a little less hermit.
Annie must talk fast to convince Kyle that she is running for her life. James and Cooger arrive soon after and Kyle hides Annie. Kyle gets a bad feeling about the two evil deputies and sends them away. Annie and Kyle will get close...and, of course, James doubles back. After some steamy pre-marital sex between the real life love-birds, James makes his move. Unfortunately for James, Kyle isn't a victim and is half-ready for James' intrusion. Torture, fighting, psychological intrigue, and some nice shots of Annie ensue. Kyle may seem to have gotten the upper-hand on James, but James is smart and determined. Now Annie and Kyle must think fast and perhaps turn into killers themselves in order to stay alive.
Can the isolationist Kyle turn the tables on the super-cop and keep Annie alive? Can a very shapely exotic dancer find happiness in the arms of a weird hermit? (Don't we seem to ask that question a lot?) After a couple of years of marriage to the babe-movie maker, does Michael Biehn feel like a victim? Okay, that third question was in bad taste...but I have to keep my divorced-guy fan-base happy. For a nifty thriller that will keep you guessing, enjoy "The Victim."

Friday, July 19, 2019

Hazard Jack, PTSD and Deviant Pre-Marital Sex

Sure, there is a whole bunch about this film that attempts to make a statement about PTSD and our returning war heroes. We'll ignore that aspect of 2014's "Hazard Jack" and focus on the more gratuitous aspects of this slasher film. Film makers love to make our veterans out to be homicidal lunatics, though the facts suggest that they are more well-adjusted than most. No matter...even ignoring the intended social statement, we still have a fine and gratuitous psycho film.
Okay, Jack (Quincy Taylor) leaves the army suffering from PTSD and takes up shop in an abandoned hospital. Enter a bunch of babes and hunks looking for a paintball venue. Before the hunks arrive, Jack has done in his wife with a jackhammer, Now a plurality of America has descended into his world for paintball...actually they never get to paintball as pre-marital sex is first up. We have jocks, sluts, geeks, gays, and Bridget (Amanda Maddox) and Dillon (Macauley Gray). These last two emerge as 'normal' peeps. Pick your favorite babe or hunk. Most will die horribly.
As the moans and groans of deviant sex echo through the empty corridors, Jack is aroused. He grabs a portable circular saw, a flamethrower, and an axe and goes to work. Randle and Muffy (Josh Jacques and Ashley Walsh) will both be decapitated as they are in the throes of pre-marital sex. Kyle and Barbie (Zachary Meyer and Deanna Meske) will suffer a similar fate. We are pulling for Bridget and Dillon...though not too much, and our virgin nerds Stella and Earl (Alisan Lani and Kevin Sporman). The kills will be graphic and finally Jack abducts the pregnant Bridget...oh yes, she is with child. Now Dillon and the nerds team up to find the pregnant damsel and defeat Jack.
Do any of these unfortunate paintball all-stars deserve to survive? Will Bridget's pregnancy save her from a gruesome fate as our movie-makers approach a taboo subject? Do all women who play paintball have excessive breast implants? "Hazard Jack" is definitely for  the slasher fan as those who detest horror movies just won't understand. Directed by David Worth, "Hazard Jack" is gratuitous in gore, sex, nudity, and breast if you enjoy it, don't say so in mixed company.

Wednesday, July 17, 2019

Ghost Walk: The Farm, Haunted Honeymoon

Aruba...maybe Niagara Falls...or even The Poconos! I know money can be tight for you young newlyweds...but even consider an 'out of season' honeymoon to save a few bucks. Just honeymoons in haunted farmhouses. Why you ask...what could go wrong in a haunted farmhouse? If you have to ask that, then you need to see this horror film by my buddy Rocky Karlage, 2012's "Ghost Walk: The Farm."
Johnny (John Chiara) is just home from the war and he doesn't waste any time. Quickly our hunk hero marries the nubile Estella (Alana Kaniewski) and the two are off on a honeymoon...yep...the proverbial haunted farmhouse honeymoon. The two kids aren't wealthy so when Aunt Lynn (Holly Neelie) offers them the place...they jump. They should've chosen a Holiday Inn Express...but no one listens to me. They suck face a lot and presumably have a lot of marital sex...but it is apparent they are not alone. At first a few minor noises, misplaced items, and perhaps ghostly apparitions are spied from the corners of their brief glances.
Uh oh...whatever is in the house with them begins a more malicious haunting. The amorous Estella, who only wants to please the muscular Johnny, is toyed with, and now the presence seems a bit possessive of the young beauty. Johnny will undergo a more painful'll see. Flood waters make escape impossible and Johnny and Estella make some poor decisions which will cost them dearly in their match with the eerie entity. The two lovebirds seem to be on a downward spiral, but exactly what is this entity capable of? As the haunting gets more physical...and painful...and bloodier, Johnny and Estella will have to wise-up quickly and fight.
Exactly what is this entity that is toying with our newlyweds...a ghost? Does the mysterious Aunt Lynn know more than she let's on about the farmhouse she has lent Estella and Johnny? Will Johnny's battle training from the U.S. Army help him in his fight against the amorous entity that also wants his wife? Directed by Steve Olander, "Ghost Walk: The Farm" is a classic ghost story in which an enabled entity accelerates in capability as the film progresses. However doomed our amorous couple seem, we pull for them to overcome the evil force and live to have their first argument.   
For more information about this film and others from the same studio, click on this link Ghost Walk Studios

Monday, July 15, 2019

Reptisaurus, Buck Rogers vs. Rodan

Captain Buck Rogers is now General Morgenstern (Gil Gerard). The more important question...where is Wilma Deering and those shiny tight jump-suits? Back to the matter at hand, our good General stars in 2009's "Reptisaurus," as the US military (army I think) battles a big reptile bird. Throw in some great looking hunks and babes as spring break college kids/bait, and a mad-scientist or two and we have a terrific B movie...but will we see Wilma Deering again?
A team of army men is picked apart by a flying bird on a remote island. Enter five castaways who have washed up on this island. The pretty blonde Tori (Annmarie Lynn Gracey) screams and yells a lot, and fortunately will be eaten soon. Also on the island is army team 2, sent by Buck Rogers...I mean General Morgenstern. No Wilma Deering. Major Dawson (Bernard Fredericks) commands the ill-prepared unit and they will be eaten one by one by the flying reptile. Uh oh, Buck Rogers, I mean Morgenstern has sent the team to the island to destroy everything...including all evidence that the bird was created by a secret government biological weapons experiment.
The college kids meet the army men and they yell at each other a lot. Buck Rogers then orders his team to eliminate the kids/witnesses. But wait, one of the mad-scientists, Dr. Carr (Yahaira Love) is alive in the ruins of her lab...but still no Wilma Deering. She then yells at the army men and the college kids...and they yell back. Together they come up with a hair-brained ideas to survive and escape the island. The big reptile bird is relentless and will continue eating army men and college kids. In one heartwarming scene, the monster grabs the pretty Kaylee (Caroline Attwood), rips her in half in mid-air and drops her. Kaylee's top half will live a while longer before expiring. Still no Wilma Deering.
Will Buck Rogers...I mean General Morgenstern be able to kill all the witnesses/college kids and preserve the secrecy of the military's new weapon? Will any of the beefcake and cheesecake survive the hungry flying reptile? With Gil Gerard starring, can Erin Gray as Wilma Deering, and those shiny tight jump-suits be far behind? B grade cinema all the way, as is what we expect from director Christopher Olen Ray. For some mindless fun and some "Buck Rogers in the 25th Century" nostalgia, see "Reptisaurus."

Saturday, July 13, 2019

Devil's Mile, Drive into Hell

Dark. Ominous. Without humor. Everything about 2014's "Devil's Mile" is so seedy and evil and this is one of those films you will need a shower after the end credits roll. All of the characters are peeps you would avoid in real life...and their plight? Well, if they all die you won't be too broken up about it. Nonetheless, I liked this movie! I'm allowed to like it just because I like it. If you can like tax increases and useless wars in far-off places...I can like "Devil's mile" there!
As we begin our story a trio of inept criminals led by Toby (David Hayter) have just kidnapped two Japanese beauties, Suki (Samantha Wan) and Kanako (Amanda Joy). This is a ransom job and a mysterious crime-lord, Mr. Arkadi (Fronk Moore), plans to get a lot of money for these beset gals. Assisting Toby is ex-con Cally (Maria de Mar) and ex-con Jacinta (Casey Hudecki). These two love to bicker and are high-maintenance. Uh of the gals they grabbed is the wrong one who comes from a poor family. Uh oh again, all of a sudden, the trio and their two hostages end up on a proverbial road-to-nowhere. Lost? Something more sinister, I'm afraid.
The inept bank robbers start bickering more and realize they cannot get off the obscure road they happened upon. Sensing the incompetence, Kanako makes a break for it as the trio changes a tire. They'll kill her...or will they? Now panic and dissension set in as Toby becomes unhinged and violent. Jacinta will kill Toby...or will she? Worse news, Kanako is now a flesh-ripping demon bent on cat-fighting with Jacinta and Cally. Worse news yet...Jacinta may not be exactly who she claims to be...and her motives are more ominous and far-reaching than collecting ransoms.
Will the demon Kanako scratch the faces off of her two female kidnappers? Just where is this road-to-nowhere, and does it lead to someplace unearthly? Does the mysterious Mr. Arkadi have more in mind than a simple kidnapping caper and what does he want with the nubile Jacinta? So go on liking those boring NFL games and stupid DC and Marvel movies...I'm gonna like "Devil's Mile." Directed by Joseph O'Brien, this film is a nice horror story that doesn't concern itself with giving its audience 'feel-good moments.' 

Thursday, July 11, 2019

King Cobra, Kung Fu Master vs. Giant Snake

Why aren't there any cobras in Japan? Right...Kung Fu masters scare them away. Next question, why aren't there any rattlesnakes in Japan? Yes! Two for two you are...because Godzilla eats rattlers for lunch. Today we look at a straight-to-DVD masterpiece featuring the late Pat Morita, 1999's "King Cobra."
Mad-scientist Dr. Irwin Burns (Joseph Ruskin) is experimenting on snakes. In his lab he has created a hybrid cobra-rattlesnake, and a formula to make it more aggressive? Why? Well, why not!?! He's a mad-scientist. Then boom! Mis-behaving lab technicians cause an explosion killing everyone in the lab except Irwin and Seth. Who is Seth? Menacing name, isn't it. He's a monster snake which will grow to, I don't know, let us say 100 feet. Two years later Seth shows up in a small town and begins biting (and killing) rednecks and nymphomaniac lovers. Jo (Casey Fallo)  is the babe policewoman investigating the carnage. She is also trying to have pre-marital sex with the clueless town hunk doctor Brad (Scott Hillenbrand).
The giant monster goes through the town like crap through a goose and Dr. Brad hasn't a clue that Jo is hot for him in a carnal way. Our mad-scientist shows up and Irwin isn't much help...other than confessing it is his experiment that is doing the carnage. Irwin calls in famous Herpetologist Pat Morita. The eccentric old fool says things like the monster is "beautiful" and "we must respect it to fight it." He won't fare well. As redneck hunters fall and some amorous Mexicans are eaten, Jo, Brad, Irwin, and Dr. Brad head into the woods to hunt the evil behemoth.
Will our hybrid monster continue its carnage and thwart the Kung Fu master? Will Jo learn certain seduction techniques, popular in Japanese brothels, in order to seduce the cold fish Dr. Brad? If Brad doesn't get a clue will Jo turn to Pat Morita, or in a deviant twist...the cobra/rattler hybrid? This is a fun one and very little can ever go wrong in a giant-snake-monster epic. Pat Morita is sensational and if you don't like graphic pre-marital sex in your movies, fear not, the inept Dr. Brad will keep it out of this one...poor Jo. See "King Cobra," and enjoy the best film ever made by Pat Morita.

Tuesday, July 9, 2019

Beach Massacre at Kill Devil Hills, Psychos Abound

Okay, many will dismiss this film due to perceived faults...which really aren't faults. Perhaps the gore f/x could be a bit more spurting, but that goes with most slasher films. This is Taya Parker's magnum opus as she not only stars in 2017's "Beach Massacre at Kill Devil Hills," but also appears several more times in the credits. This one will contain lots of bikini-clad damsels in much distress, skinny-dipping, and of course, a psycho preying upon those aforementioned damsels. Then of course there is the...wait...nope, no spoilers here...but what a twist!
The sultry Stacy (Parker) has scheduled a beach-house getaway with many of her friends (who all wear bikinis well). This ends up being an ill-timed vacation as Stacy's abusive ex-husband Jason (Ryan Izay) is just out of prison. He is incredibly violent and abusive and Stacy is still horrified of this creep. Protecting her 5-year old daughter, she brings her along. The babes arrive and lounge around in hot-tubs, lay on the beach, and traipse around in bikinis. All seems the beach, that is. Back at home Jason pays a bloody visit to Stacy's parents' home and finds out where Stacy has gone.
Back at the beach, Dina (Diana Prince) and Rick (Rudy Reyes) barge in on the all-girls week-end. This is an intrusion we won't mind as Dina will give us a gratuitous shower scene and skinny-dipping scene. For you gals...Rick is quite the hunk. The intrusion will be an awkward one and Stacy is never comfortable with it. Jason and his psycho friend head toward the beach-house with rape, torture and homicide in mind. As the week-end getaway becomes more awkward and gratuitous, Stacy and her babe friends looked doomed, one way or another. Then the carnage begins and it will be imaginative and heartbreaking.
Do the bikini clad damsels stand a chance against Jason and his psycho friend? Just what is it about Dina and Rick, and their states of undress, that gives Stacy the willies? Is this beach slasher film a metaphor for the increasingly unpreparedness of coastal Carolina for an ever-increasing hurricane threat? The cheesecake and beefcake may be the highlight of this film, but Taya Parker does a sensational job not only portraying a seemingly helpless damsel, but also being the MVP of this film's production. Enjoy "Beach Massacre at Kill Devil Hills," and plan your next vacation to...the South Carolina beaches! This film is directed by Lawrence W. Nelson II. 

Sunday, July 7, 2019

Mind Blown, Telekinetics vs. The World

Jon Mack, lead singer of Auradrone, is one of this blog's favorite actresses. Perhaps you remember past reviews of her films, such as "SuperTanker," "Mongolian Death Worm," "Lavalantula," "Spiders," and "Camel Spiders." The lovely and talented Ms. Mack captures the screen with her radiance and charm and today we will look at 2016's "Mind Blown." With a great looking cast in much peril we dive into a story about TKs and the secret government project that exploits them.
What is a TK? Telekinetics. These blokes have powers of the mind that can control and manipulate nature. One does this for lightning, another for fire, one for wind...etc. The sultry Jennifer (Jessica Uberuaga) has been recruited for the secret project which she believes is for benign and humanitarian purposes...yeah, right. Gertie (Mack) is a kind soul who sort of watches out for her TK colleagues. Bad news...Colonel Clayton (Steve Hanks), who heads this project, is no humanitarian...he would rather destroy civilization and place himself on Earth's throne. This always works out so well. As it becomes clear the evil Colonel has manipulated the TKs into destroying California (I don't want to hear any comments about how this is a good thing!), Jennifer dares to show some independence.
Jessica is a seer, which means the other TKs are guided and led into whatever psychic trip/project they undertake. Realizing the Colonel is evil, Jessica reaches out to find her "pair." Yep...every TK has someone they share a telekinetic co-dependence with. Fortunately for Jennifer, her's is the hunk Adam (Michael Marinaccio). Now the colonel and some of the other TKs need to track down Jennifer and Adam, kill them, and blame California's demise on them. This will endanger Gertie and any other TK who doesn't worship Colonel Clayton.
Will the destruction of California in this film help lend "Mind Blown" to different reactions to east coast and west coast audiences? Will Jennifer and Adam, as a TK pair, experience a different kind of intimacy or can we count on some gratuitous pre-marital sex between these two great looking protagonists? Just how do good TKs fight evil TKs...and do they have the same conflict resolution training that evil army colonels have? See "Mind Blown," directed by Christian Sesma and enjoy some ambitious special f/x and a terrific performance by Ms. Mack.

Saturday, July 6, 2019

Where the Scary Things Are, Ken and Lori do a Podcast

"Where the Scary Things Are," is a brand new horror podcast that hit the air waves (er, e-waves, I guess) a couple of weeks ago. Ken and Lori are two social media buddies of mine and have paired up to bring us fascinating elements of horror and the paranormal. Still in its infant stages, the chemistry and ability to attract big name guests will make this show a worthwhile take for all you horror fans. Both of these fine peeps agreed to submit to an interview and over the past two weeks we have gotten to know each other quite well. Beware, more breaking news is imminent on "Where the Scary Things Are" and big named guests already lined up.

CJZ: Where the Scary Things Are began in late June, and has dived into horror and paranormal. I was struck at the chemistry both of you showed given that you haven’t known each other for a long time. How did you two come together as co-hosts of this new podcast?

1      Ken: Someone had retweeted a post that Muse had replied to. I believe it was something from John Carpenter’s They Live (which is one of my favorite movies) and it caught my eye initially. I took notice to her knowledge of the horror genre and movies that we shared similar interest in. I have been scouting out the Horror Circles on Twitter for a co-host. I reached out to Muse and had pitched her the idea of Where The Scary Things Are and it was a match made in “Hell” lol. 

      Lori: To echo Ken here yep..i"ll never forget it. It was a thread of some sort and we got into..( a short conversation about fight scenes) we both agreed that the scene from the Carpenter movie They Live involving Roddy Piper and Keith David was one of the best fight scenes of all time. Ken then asked me my top 3 fight scenes... he liked what i had to say... and the rest is history! 

CJZ: So who are Lori and Ken? As horror experts many will think you are similar to mad-scientists weirdos. But you two are upstanding members of society. Spouses, family people, and productive members of society. When your friends bring up their favorite movies like “To Kill a Mockingbird” or “Shawshank Redemption,” or “Casablanca” do you bring up “Halloween” or “Poltergeist” or “Texas Chainsaw Massacre.”? Talk a little about who you guys are, I know you are very well educated and great neighbors in your community…and I know you Lori are a champion fantasy football player and Tom Brady’s biggest fan.

Ken: 1.       On the contrary, Casablanca is my all time favorite movie…. Muse and I share a lot of similar favorites. I think that’s why we get along so well. My favorite horror movies are definitely The Exorcist, Evil dead, and The Nightmare On Elm Street series. So many more.  As far as who I am as an individual, I think I am a Family first guy. I am blessed to have such a wonderful wife and two healthy beautiful little girls. There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t take a moment to look back to where I was 10 years ago (broke as a joke and living at my mom’s house trying to find myself in a case of Miller Light Beer) to where I am now. Hard work pays off, nothing is given.

Lori:  . I adore movies in general to be honest. I can talk Shawshank Redemption (which is a stellar movie by the way) or i can talk The Shining. Pick your pleasure i can go all night about movies. The horror genre is my favorite this is true... but i just love movies. You can get lost in them for 2 hours and just be somewhere else like a mini escape if you will. In regards to your question as to who i am ? I'm nobody special. Just a sister, a daughter, a wife, a woman who likes a good conversation, loves to laugh until my side cramps up, loves to see others happy before herself..and of course a movie fan.

CJZ: Podcasts are not new to you, Ken. Horror podcasts are. Before horror you were doing the social media thing for sports. What has caused you to leave the sports world and dive into horror?
Lori, you are a bit more shy than Ken. When he contacted you about the possibility of doing a podcast about horror and the paranormal, did you immediately agree to it or did Ken have to do a sales job on you?

Ken: I still Host and Produce an NFL Oakland Raiders Fan Podcast called East Coast Nation part of the Crow’s Nest Podcast Network, (shameless plug) with 2 of my good friends from New Jersey, Potts and EazyE. I have a real passion for the Horror genre and movies in general so I wanted to start something new. I love the challenge of bringing something new and fun to a fanbase that has so many options of podcast to listen to. Muse and I are up against an already established market of podcast but we are willing to accept the challenge to provide content worth listening to.

Lori:  Ken did indeed have to sell me a little on the concept of doing a podcast haha...this is only because i have pretty severe social anxiety and have for years. It really limits me as far as what i feel truly comfortable doing. However, Ken explained everything so clearly and in such a manner i felt totally comfortable plus i have such a passion for horror and talking about movies i thought hey..why not? Let's give it a try!

CJZ: Both of you have had tangential experiences with the paranormal, are you interested in providing a forum for paranormal investigators and people beset by similar experiences?
I know you enjoy reading horror literature, Lori…what are some of your favorite books or stories, perhaps that have left a dramatic impression on you. Can we look forward to you penning some of your own stories or novels in the future?

Ken: I think our goal is to give fans a chance to share their experiences. Our show is meant to give listeners a platform to call in and connect with us and other listeners. Where the Scary Things Are is a show where people to seek out new friends and contacts.

Lori: Oh man..good question! there are some great authors out there but i think my heart lies with Stephen King. I also enjoy Dean Koontz and Peter Straub. One of the King novels that has always stuck with me and impacted me the most would have to be The Stand. This scenario just seems like something that could happen tomorrow! It just seemed so realistic to me in parts...and to be honest reality has always frightened me more than any horror movie ever could. As far as penning a novel myself? it really is funny you asked that question because i have had some ideas for stories rolling around in my brain for a few years now. it's just  a matter of taking the time and putting it all down on paper. So..maybe one of these days i'll surprise you guys!

CJZ: Being huge horror fans cuts both ways. As horror fanatics we do get to meet and interact with so many interesting and creative people. On the other hand our families and friends believe we are a bit deranged. In many places I am forbidden to bring up my blog or to discuss my favorite films. Do your spouses ever tell you not to embarrass them in public? Do you ever engage with people who claim horror is juvenile, deviant to a point of causing violence and mayhem, or satanic? Do you respond or are you like me, just roll your eyes and say “whatever…”?

Ken: Wow, let’s see… My wife, knows what she married in to. She does not watch the Horror Movies I watch…however, she 100% supports me and the work I do for the show. Both shows as a matter of fact. I think as far as embarrassing her……well let’s just say she may embarrass me in public for not being on the same geek level as me….lol.  As far as interacting with “NON BELIEVERS”…. I have yet to have the pleasure of debating with these lost souls. 

Lori: My husband teases me relentlessly for loving horror he's a bit mystified with my fascination with it i think. For him it really isn't the fact that i watch horror movies but rather the sheer number of times i can watch them! It's all in kidding the teasing though so it's all good. My situation is a lot like Ken's he pretty much knew what he was getting into..and it's not like he's found any bodies hidden in the walls...yet. Concerning people's views on the violence and mayhem they feel horror movies inspire? I often respond with the perspective that many things can corrupt if you let them. Movies,TV,music all of it. Even people themselves can corrupt IF we let them. Sometimes that philosophy hits home and sometimes it doesn't with people..but at the very least it gives them something to chew on.

CJZ: Horror toys!!!! What a better Christmas gift! We will all be thinking about our Christmas shopping real soon. Ken, you make these horror action figures. Do you collect as well, and how did you get into this business. Also, if I wanted you to make me one or two from my favorite film “Creature from the Black Lagoon,” and I gave you no more guidance, what would you make me?

Ken: Ha ha ha. Let’s see… I created Monster Mash Custom Action Figures a few years ago. It is a commission-based page. I do everything from People wanting to be a particular Star Wars Character, Marvel Character, or a particular Film. I have made people into Deadpool, I made a gentleman into the character from the Patriot (Mel Gibson Movie). I also do individual unmade characters…just the other day I made Robert Stack from Unsolved Mysteries. That was the most obscure yet. If you wanted a Custom of the Creature from the Black Lagoon I would sculpt your head to look like you and create a creature body with a removable Creature Head. You would be the Monster. Complete with packaging. Fun stuff…..

CJZ: I know both of you from Twitter and I also know both of you have very influential Twitter buddies. Are you lining up some great actor/actresses, directors, or special f/x horror types as we speak for future podcasts?

Ken:  We definitely have a great lineup of guest. We just interviewed Morgan Knudsen from Entity Seeker on our first show. Betsy Baker who played Linda in Evil Dead will be our featured guest on Episode 2….we also have some great paranormal experts in the pipeline such as Chad Lewis, writer of The Big Muddy Monster. We will try to coordinate our guest with the Movie/show/Book we review. 

CJZ: I know “Evil Dead” and “Poltergeist” are two films we will hear a lot about on your podcast, but can you give us a glimpse of some more films we will hear on your show? Slashers are great horror fare but I sense that the paranormal element is special to you two in horror films, is that because of personal experiences or because the endings lend themselves to be more ominous and though provoking?

Ken: We don’t have a format. It’s more like…’s your turn to pick a movie…lol. We will be all over the place. Big Budget to Low Budget films….Books and other podcast…the Portal is wide open. 

CJZ: Back to sports, is there a show to be done combining sports and horror? I ask ignorantly.
Pertaining to an earlier question, when you mention in public that horror floats your boat, do you get more looks of disapproval, or an increasing amount of people who whisper to you, “I love horror too…don’t tell anyone.”

Ken:  That is a possibility….Being a Raider Fan, everyday is Halloween. Patriots fans are also clowns.. so it works. Hee hee. I think Horror is a lot like Sports. I see a person wearing a Raiders hat or team I follow I talk to them. I see a person wearing an Exorcist Shirt I am talking to them…..I think you invite that community in. The horror world is alive and well. 

Lori: . I honestly have yet to meet a horror fan that feels they should keep their passion for the genre silent. We as horror fans are proud of this passion and most of us(i can't speak for all) let our horror flags fly proudly! I think in society you are always going to run into people that just can't understand why people love horror so much and that is ok. We all like what we like. The judgmental folks are the ones that kind of get under my skin. I often comment with the perspective that if people were all alike and loved the same types of things we would become very bored. We would never learn anything new like that!

CJZ: Your first podcast at the end of June was magnificent. Were you happy with it? The chemistry was great and the content was fascinating. Did you too just wing-it or was there a lot of prep that went into that 84 minute product?

Ken: Muse and I took a leap of faith in each other once we went live. We spoke several times over the phone and it was like we knew each other for years. We always have a format…however…Muse does go off the rails and needs to land the plane….lol. Shots Fired!!!! Jk, I love her to death. Her extensive knowledge exceeds my own and I admire her views and opinions….I wouldn’t want to work with anyone else. 

Lori: I agree with Ken here (except for that off the rails business JERK!  Haha) all kidding aside though..we really just jumped in and everything just kind of flowed. The chemistry was there and we were both talking about something we love... horror. I haven't told Ken this but i often think the spirit of my brother brought us together to do this which is why i think everything has just fallen into place so perfectly.

CJZ: Are you two currently strategizing about where you want Where the Scary Things Are to go? Guests…which films…perhaps a bit of promo regarding the action figures and Lori’s upcoming fiction (I admit I’m trying to goad Lori into writing)?

Ken:  As far as I am concerned….I am always looking at the big picture. How can we grow? How can we get a bigger audience? How can we market ourselves?? Right now we are having a lot of fun but we both want to have a successful show and one day be among the best in the game, I.E. The G.U.T.S. Podcast, LORE, etc. I have a few ideas up my sleeve that can help us obtain it. A great podcast mentor of mine, Murf from Murf’s Fan Cave once told me, “ To be a great podcaster you have to have your heart into each show” This is where my mentality is. I give maximum effort. Thank you Murf. 

CJZ: Technically speaking, was doing a podcast easy? Ken is in NY, and Lori is in Michigan…is modern technology conducive to the two of you doing a show together?

Ken:  Thank God for Skype.. It allows us to interact and record. It isn’t so hard to create a show…’s the social media and connecting with listeners which is the KILLER. 

Ken on Twitter Monster Mash Ken
Lori on Twitter Halo Girl
Where the Scary Things Are Podcast Podcast 

Friday, July 5, 2019

Zarkorr! The Invader, Godzilla-Lite

I couldn't resist. A giant monster played by a man in a rubber suit traipsing through miniature models of cities...we just don't get enough of that anymore. CGI has taken the fun out of monster movies and over-priced directors, talent, and f/x have bored us to no end. Perhaps 1996's "Zarkorr! The Invader" is no masterpiece, but neither are any of those stupid Marvel or DC films. Unlike those modern day superhero films, this one is fun.
Zarkorr awakes! The 200 foot monster busts out of a southern California mountain and goes on a rampage. He knocks down cities and sends out lasers from his eyes. The military is ineffective. But wait! Tommy (Rees Christian Pugh) is a Newark mailman and he is contacted by an intergalactic mall-tramp (Torrie Lynch). Apparently an intergalactic council wants to protect Earth from this fiend and selects the underachieving Tommy to kill the thing. They give him very few instructions but warn him that Zarkorr is heading straight for him and he better kill it before it kills him. Thinking fast, Tommy kidnaps the beautiful crypto-zoologist Stephanie (DePrise Grossman) from the set of a TV news broadcast.
Believing Tommy is crazy, Stephanie is hesitant to help. Eventually she kinda falls for the eager mailman and joins his quest. Enter Arthur (Charles Schneider), a weird hacker. He is able to help Tommy and Stephanie figure out a strategy for fighting Zarkorr. Now Charles and Stephanie head to Arizona where the creature has arrived. The plan? It is far fetched and the chances of it working are almost nil...but the sultry Stephanie believes in her new boyfriend and now our mailman gets brave and relishes in his new role as protector of the planet. As Tommy approaches Zarkorr, the fate of the world is in the balance.
Do Tommy and Stephanie have any shot at killing Zarkorr? Do all crypto-zoologists look like Stephanie? If successful, will Tommy seek to continue with the U.S. Postal Service? The monster f/x are so much fun and the plot is kept light and a bit tongue-in-cheek. For some man dressed in a rubber monster suit fun, see "Zarkorr! The Invader," directed by Michael Deak and Aaron Osborne.