Friday, September 27, 2019

Cold Ground, Bigfoot Hits the Alps

Okay...we have Bigfoot...and we are thrilled! Asia has the Yeti...and they are stoked to the max. Europe? They have the Loch Ness Monster...lame! Children love their Nessie stuffed animals and schools write nursery songs dedicated to the thing. Hardly a monster. The impotence of the European Union is symbolized by this cuddly monster. Solution...bring Yeti and Bigfoot to Europe. Hence 2017's "Cold Ground."
All contact has been lost with a scientific expedition headed to the top of the French Alps. They were headed up there to research reports of cattle mutilations and strange occurrences. Enter a film crew led by info-babe Melissa (Gala Besson). Her BF and cameraman David (Geoffrey Blandin) will meet up with American cop Blake (Doug Rand) and Euro-biologist Lori-Ann (Maura Tillay) and together they will climb up the alp and try to find them. Big mistake! Before the trek begins we get some gratuitous lingerie shots of Melissa...not that that is important. The trek begins and the cold hits them immediately. The trek will take four days and weird stuff abounds in the form of noises and skinned carcasses of animals. Then...the skinned remains of a human.
Despite the human remains the group continues upward. Uh oh...something appears to be studying and stalking them. The cold intensifies, and avalanche reduces the group in numbers and then the attacks begin. The creature attacks and it is fast and elusive to the camera. That won't continue, This Euro-Yeti is ticked off and intends to skin our TV crew. Melissa is reasonable and will have to hone her leadership skills fast as the group will eventually lose their guide and our cop friend. One by one the team meets gruesome fates...but will the monster get all of them. No more lingerie shots as the cold becomes just as deadly as the fiend.
This is a difficult film to watch if you are at all'll see. Will the fiend ever see any of Melissa's tasteful, yet seductive, undies? Exactly what is this monster, and did it eat all of the initial expedition up the Alps? Is the Euro-Yeti a metaphor of what could befall the EU if it continues its socialist and globalist policies? Okay, that last one is way out there...feel free to ignore it. Directed by Fabian Delage, "Cold Ground" is a brutal horror story that may cause you to change your ski vacation to a theme park somewhere.

1 comment:

  1. A real fun review with adult themes, love your take on things, I hear there's a Yeti hanging out in Siberia. Get's you thinking, sooner UK exists Europe, more cash they can spend on themselves. Go Boris Go (is he the Yeti?)