Wednesday, April 6, 2022

Snake, Humongous Viper and Other Creatures Eat China

We have one from China today.  While Hollywood gives us irrelevant drivel that pains us...China is giving us monsters and babes...yes!!!  If you think that island King Kong is from (Skull Island) is menacing, wait until you see the monster infested island in today's feature.  Directed by Zhenzhao Lin we have 2018's "Snake" (aka "Snakes," which is a better title).  Oh!  These snakes?  They're like 500 feet long.  They aren't even the ickiest part of this film. 

Lin (Naomen Eerdeni) has just been fired from his elementary school teaching job.  This is sad because his cute little girl is dying of cancer.  That same day a wealthy and evil industrialist hires him to join an expedition to an uncharted island in search of the blood apple.  The blood apple?  It cures cancer and was thought to be a myth.  The industrialist is also dying of cancer.  A river boat brings them to the island and inland.  A large army unit is along for security...they won't stay a large unit too long.  Also along is a babe doctor, Lin Ro (Huang Kai-Lun).  Of more interest to us is a sultry warrior soldier babe, no name, but she is hot (Zhang Yue).  This warrior babe had a big knife, sweats a lot, kills lots of monsters, you'll see, and even charges the beasts, hops on their backs and stabs them repeatedly.  If China has a few more like her, Taiwan is history.

Even before they get inland, millions of flying piranha attack our party.  The toothy fish wipe out half the army.  Eventually, the survivors make it to the embarkation point.  The giant snakes eat more soldiers.  Lin proves quite the man as he gets Lin Ro and warrior babe to fall in love with him...yes!  Okay, they have quite the trek inland to find the blood apple and exploding fruit (really), man-eating plants, prehistoric fireflies, and more snakes will dwindle further the number of soldiers.  As warrior babe swaths some more while killing monsters, and Lin saves Lin Ro's behind a few times, it becomes apparent that the mega snakes don't intend to allow our party to get their hands on the curative blood apple.

Will the nubile and sweaty warrior babe engage in a gratuitous catfight with the nubile and vulnerable Lin Ro over the affections of Lin?  Are the huge vipers that eat Chinese soldiers a metaphor for western culture's attempt to soil the pristine Chinese youth?  This is a fine monster movie and the jungle setting is wonderful.  From the millions of flying piranha to the mega snakes, there are always creatures lurking in this film.  Ignore Hollywood's idiocy and dive into some Asian monster movies by watching "Snake."       

1 comment:

  1. Hey - anything has to be better than the boring, predictable, pandering shit Hollywood pumps out.