Sunday, September 12, 2021

Valentine, Typical Slasher Fare with Major League Babes and Hunks

Today's feature had obvious challenges when it hit the silver screen in 2001.  This slasher film came out well after the slasher era.  There was absolutely no demand for slasher films...except from weirdos like me.  Problem two:  Nothing new in the story.  Predictable twists and a telegraphed ending may have also served to doom its box office take.  Fear not...not all was bleak.  The babes and the hunks in this film were quite extraordinary.  Bikinis!  Hot tubs!  Big knives!  Axes!  Pre-marital sex!  Gore!  The aforementioned faults can be forgiven as all the right boxes were checked with emphatic red check marks.  Today we look at "Valentine," directed by Jamie Blanks.

The first kill will be the sultry med-student, Shelley (Katherine Heigl).  She'll be knifed while hiding in a body bag.  At her funeral we meet her sultry friends which include Kate ( Marley Shelton) and Paige (Denise Richards).  Uh ex-flame of Kate's shows up, Adam (David Boreanaz).  The recovering alcoholic tries to get Kate interested in him again.  The sultry former elementary school mates all begin receiving menacing Valentine cards.  Whoever gets the last card will be the next to die horribly.  Oh!  We meet the hunk boyfriends...all major league hunks.  They'll die horribly too.

One by one the babes and hunks die in bloody fashion.  A bow will fire three arrows into the lovely Lily (Jessie Cauffiel) at an art exhibit.  The sluts that they are, have planned a big party at babe Dorothy's (Jessica Capshaw) mansion.  All the gals desire to score big at the party and Denise Richards, Paige, will bring along a bikini.  The body count continues and a backstory rears its ugly'll see.  Could a humiliated boy at a sixth grade dance have come back to butcher the babes who humiliated him?  Too easy?  The babes will look fine as they die horribly...the hunks will garner no sympathy as they promote the "all men are pigs" philosophy.  The party commences and you know who is there...or is he?

Will there be a final girl in this bloodbath of a slasher film?  Is Denise Richards too trashy to be considered a final girl?  How about the smooth talking Adam?  Is he too good to be a hero in this film? is standard stuff...but for some great looking talent with wonderful bikini and evening gown action, this is a film you will want to see.  See "Valentine," and if nothing else, enjoy a wonderful hot tub demise.   

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