Thursday, February 29, 2024

Crocodile Swarm, Babes vs. Crocs

Crocodiles in England! No, not Rishi Sunak.  No, not Keir Starmer...or Boris Johnson...real reptiles.  Big ones with teeth! In England!  Enter babes!  Blondes...nubile ones.  Actually, today's feature is brutal and horrific, and not the feel good film of 2023.  Lovely actress Ella Starbuck met a gruesome demise in "Dinosaur Planet." So sad.  Will she fare any better as the main protagonist in "Crocodile Swarm," directed by Tyler James?  We hope so...she is a babe.

Babe Cara (Lauren Staerck) goes with a bunch of buddies into a closed off cave.  The spelunkers are happy as hunk Morgan (Tiernan Mullane) has picked the cave to propose to Cara.  She accepts.  Seconds later...the crocs come.  Dozens of big crocs have made this closed off cave their home.  The fate of Cara's buddies is a lot more gruesome than you would imagine.  The crocs don't just eat them...they savor the babes and the fiancé and...well, you'll see. Cara is still alive. The biggest crocs are saving her for their next meal. Enter the sultry Sam (Starbuck), Cara's sister.  She is worried that Cara is overdue and finds five unfortunate buddies and heads to the cave to find her sister.

Being a babe in this film won't pay dividends.  It will provide a means to a horrible and tortuous death. Soon after entering the cave, the crocs attack.  Sam's BF Mike (Howard J. Davey) is along for the mission...he'll be useless.  Don (Nicholas Anscombe), who knows caves, will be equally as! Her babe friends?  Eek...the beautiful die so horribly.  Sam is determined to find Cara and will not leave until she does.  Yep, she'll have to go into the croc's lair to do this.  Then it gets more complicated.  The cave is a huge maze and no one knows where exactly they are.  The crocs are in each tunnel and are mean.  Now Cara and Sam, and the few who have not been regurgitated yet must avoid the toothy creatures and find their way out of the maze of caverns.

Is this film a metaphor for the disintegration of the Tory and Labour parties in the U.K.?  Will at least one babe survive the monsters in the cave?  Are all men in England as useless as the BFs of Sam and Cara?  This is a gritty and ominous crocodile tale, with no humor or diversion.  Just pure horror and carnage. See "Crocodile Swarm" and be ready to gasp and shriek.  

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