A Quiet Place to Kill, Racecar Babe in Murder Plot

Here's a fun game to play. When you are in church or at a family gathering, write down the five people there that have a motive to murder you. Oh...and those of you that don't think your spouse has a motive for your demise...please! Don't be alarmed...then write the five people you have a motive to murder. Think about it, Look at the list of the people who could potentially slaughter you...are you sure they're completely sane? Yep, today we have a film where everyone has a motive for murder. From Italy, Umberto Lenzi's 1970's "A Quiet Place to Kill."

Helen (Carroll Baker) is a sultry blonde racecar driver. She makes Danica Patrick look like Julia Child. Helen is a grouchy sort, like Patrick, but looks a lot better in a bikini or in a gratuitous shower scene. Where were we? Oh yes! Helen is seriously injured in a racecar crash...drives like Patrick, too. She believes her hunk ex-husband, Maurice (Jean Sorel), has invited her to his vacation villa to recuperate. Because he's such a hunk, she accepts the weird invite. Uh oh...he did not send the invite. Nope, it was sent by his new wife, Constance (Anna Proclemer). But why? Constance and Maurice have a great time spying on Helen as she takes a shower. Both try to seduce her...Maurice succeeds. Here's the rub...Constance wants Helen's help to murder Maurice. In it for Helen is a small fortune.

The two wives become close and start their fiendish plot. Like any amateur criminal, things never go the way they are drawn up on paper. Uh oh...there may be more murder plots hatching at this trendy villa by the sea. Helen will do a lot of traipsing around in a bikini and take more showers. A spear gun will be introduced to the plot as will Constance's sultry college age daughter (Marina Coffa). The bloodshed commences but who dies and who murders is not immediately apparent. Missing bodies, tampered evidence, and forbidden sex rule the plot in this twisted and deviant murder mystery.

Does murdering Maurice enable Constance to move in on Helen? Did Constance's daughter return to the villa from college to visit her mom or to...well...you'll see. Did the reckless driving habits on the racetrack of Helen inspire Danica Patrick to become a racecar driver? This is an erotic thriller where everyone in it has a good motive to kill anyone else in this film...just like your family gatherings. Who will die and who does the killing will be a neat twist at the end. For a good murder mystery that we may consider Giallo, see "A Quiet Place to Kill."  

Haunting at Foster Cabin, Sorority Girls Shredded

Five babe sorority girls! When they start dying...more show up, just like the Swedish Bikini Team. Gratuitous nudity in a hot tub. Gratuitous shower scene. Lesbian eroticism. Decapitations, disembowelment, and impalement. Yep, what some consider a feminist anthem, 2014's "Haunting at Foster Creek" (aka "Demon Legacy"), directed by Rand Vossler. Nothing has an audience screaming "Kill 'em all!" like a group of sorority sisters...who knows why? Throw in some demons and a lot of possession and we have a near masterpiece.

Michelle (Anna Marie Demara) is clairvoyant...she got the gift from her grandmother. She has visions of her coming weekend with her sorority sisters. The vision is of all them dying horribly and coming back as demons. Good call, on her part. The other babe sorority sisters meet her at a cabin in the woods. Jack (Kate Siegel) a lesbian, Kelly (Julie Strange), Sharon (Kati Sharp) a pseudo-Goth, and Dana (Michelle Nunes). They frolic, play "Truth or Dare," drink alcohol, kiss, shower, and find a Ouija Board. Yep...they invoke bad spirits and a couple of the babes are possessed. This is unfortunate because John Savage ("The Deer Hunter") will have to decapitate them later...but let us not go there. Now Kelly is ripped apart by lesbian-babe-demon Jack. Now the demons hunt Michelle and Sharon.

Out of nowhere, Veronica (Angelina Lyubomirova) and her hunk BF Wesley (Matthew Currie Holmes) show up. They like pre-marital sex but will both die horribly. Now Michelle's two-timing BF Randy (Grant Alan Ouzts) arrives. He looks really good but, like all men, is quite worthless to Michelle's plight. Michelle communicates with her dead grandmother for a solution to her demon problem. Then John Savage shows up with some nice blades...a true demon hunter. Heads will go flying and hearts will be ripped out. Michelle must figure out who she can trust before she is able to defeat the demons that seek her soul.

Are demon infested babes an accurate metaphor for sorority sisters? Is a sword wielding demon hunter the role John Savage had always hoped for after he did "The Deer Hunter"? With all the gratuitous nudity, shower and hot tub scenes, and pre-marital sex, was a Ouija Board really needed to conjure up evil? Gratuitous and gory, "Haunting at Foster Cabin" is the perfect film for all of you who have been manipulated and spit out by a sorority babe. Enjoy the show and consider this the long awaited sequel to "The Deer Hunter."

Monster on the Campus, Ape Man on Campus

No, not a story about the University of Virginia lacrosse team. Something a bit more campy and less bloody, 1958's "Monster on the Campus," directed by Jack Arnold.  Made decades ago, but still a biting commentary on the viciousness of America's higher education system. The misogyny that emanates on college campuses, from the administration to athletes, may be seen in this old B movie in the form of metaphor. Unfortunately for mad-scientists, they do not get the pass that football or basketball players get when they shred nubile babes.

As the film begins, Professor Donald Blake (Arthur Franz), mad-scientist extraordinaire, is sexually harassing his fiancé, Madeline (Joanna Moore). She forgives him. Then a delivery arrives. A perfectly preserved prehistoric fish from Madagascar. He must be mad as he will now pay more attention to the fish than his nubile blonde girlfriend. Donald cuts himself on the fish's teeth while sultry Nurse Molly (Helen Westcott) makes some moves on him. He'll turn into a monster and murder her. By the time the cops arrive, he has changed back into Professor Blake and the fingerprints and footprints suggest an ape-man is the culprit. Despite the corpse of a beautiful dead nurse in his backyard, Madeline is a forgiving sort and really doesn't make a big deal of it.

Okay, back to the plot. More experiments and careless laboratory protocol sees the creation of a monster dragonfly. Donald still doesn't put two and two together (which in modern American universities, this equals five) and the carnage will continue. When he finally does suspect something in the fish is causing evolution to reverse, no one believes him. The cops keep investigating and Donald, as an ape-man, will continue his murderous ways. Now the college suspends him for...get this...making unauthorized telephone calls to Madagascar. He will now continue his experiments unfettered. Oblivious to Donald's shortcomings, Madeline rushes to be with the man she loves. This might not turn out well as he is ready to inject prehistoric fish blood into himself.

If Professor Donald Blake were a football player, would the university have overlooked his long distance calls to Madagascar? Is some sexual harassment permissible if it is in the sake of groundbreaking experiments and discoveries on evolution? Can we really study prehistoric ape-men without a certain amount of groping and fondling? This is a classic B movie from the 1950s, but much more intelligent than anything Christopher Nolan has done. For some great entertainment, see "Monster on the Campus."

 

Attack of the Giant Leeches, Blood Suckers Want Love and Dinner

From Executive Producer Roger Corman comes one of the most iconic B movies of all time, 1959's "Attack of the Giant Leeches." Directed by Bernard L. Kowalski, this horrific tale is king of the public domain nasties, yet classic all the way. Some of the imagery and scenes in this film are truly horrific and may have inspired some other great horror, like the 'Alien' franchise. Still, we have nubile babes in much peril, useless square-jawed hunks, and some slimy and menacing creatures...what more can we ask for?

A poacher is scared out of the swamp by a giant leech. No one believes this guy's story. Steve (Ken Clark) is the fish and game cop, but he's too busy drinking coffee to do anything except romance the beautiful Nan (Jan Shepard). Nan's dad, Doc is a ...doctor! He wants to dynamite the swamp and bring up any monster being...yes!!! Steve says no... and drinks more coffee instead. Swamp skank Liz (Yvette Vickers) is fooling around on her fat husband Dave (Bruno VeSota). The sultry dame will sneak off to the swamp with Cal (Michael Emmet) for some extra-marital sex. Dave will follow and at the point of a shotgun order the two into the swamp. Liz and Cal will then be grabbed by giant leeches and pulled down to an underwater cavern where the monsters will slowly feed on their blood.

Dave tries telling everyone about the monsters but no one believes him except Doc, who wants to dynamite the swamp. Steve tells him not to and drinks more coffee. Some poachers go out looking for Liz (and maybe Cal) and get abducted, too. The fiends continue feeding off their abductees and Doc sneaks off to the pond with dynamite. Steve drinks more coffee.  Steve continues to romance Doc's beautiful daughter, as she makes him coffee. The leeches don't need coffee as they feed off Liz's blood. Poor Liz, the sultry swamp skank is less beautiful as each frame of the film goes by. 

Will fish and game cop Steve stop drinking coffee long enough to do something to save the virtue and purity (okay, she's not virtuous and pure, but she is quite the looker) of the sultry Liz? Will Doc's penchant for blowing up things make him the hero of this film or Steve's latest arrestee? When the leeches get through with the sultry Liz, will they find a need for the sultry Nan? After all, slimy blood suckers need love, too. This is an action and horror packed horror film that shows Roger Corman makes films that people actually want to see. For a bloody and explosive good time while watching a horror film, see "Attack of the Giant Leeches."

Bullets of Justice, World War 3 and Pigs

What if pigs ruled the world? Okay...I know...they already do. I mean literally. What if all men were pigs? Stop it! I know...they are! I mean literally. Whatever social or political commentary can be derived from our feature today, let it not take away its luster as a fun grindhouse/exploitation tale. We will talk about 2019's "Bullets of Justice," directed by Valeri Milev, today. Filmed in Bulgaria, revolting at times, offensive always, and just such a pleasure to watch, this film will deliver big time on the gore and nudity.

World War 3 has come to an unceremonious end. We (humans) lost. At the end of the war, Russia and the U.S. tried to genetically alter pigs to use as a weapon. The experiments got out of control and the pig-people rose up. A biological attack to kill all the pig-people backfired and now humans can not propagate. The only being who can is a Pig-mother who lives on a farm in New York City where humans are harvested for food. Enter Rob Justice (Timur Turisbekov). As the film opens he and his sultry assistant Nina (Yana Marinova) are battling a flying pig with a midget tail-gunner strapped to his back. You are just gonna have to see this for yourself. Nina will be killed soon after after engaging in steamy pre-maritalsex with Rob. Rob is a warrior in the resistance. 

As all looks bleak for humans, the survivors decide to go on the offensive. Enter Rob's sister, and deviant lover, Raksha (Doroteya Toleva). She's a babe...even though she has a moustache. The two will be sent to infiltrate the human farm, find the mother pig, and kill her. Uh oh...betrayal and deviant sex awaits...not all heterosexual. A vision from a dream signals to Rob that a male model from one of his fantasies is real and seeking to destroy him. With temptations from his heterosexual and homosexual ids, Rob partakes on his mission with a tortured soul. He and Raksha are capable, but traitors and a pig nation in control may be too much to overcome.

I know, a classic Herman Melville plot...still, this comes at us as a unique story in the age of tired superhero films. Gritty, deviant, and disgusting, this movie will please many fans of this blog. The ending will be cerebral, carnal, or 'out-there,' depending on how you choose to interpret it. For a spaghetti western type tale set in an apocalyptic wasteland, see "Bullets of Justice." Oh! One more thing...I didn't mention it but Danny Trejo is in this, too. 

Empire of the Apes, Space-Babes in much Peril

After enduring the tiresome whining of the #MeToo movement, I bring you the best film ever to have chronicled the misogyny in western civilization. Through metaphor, 2013's "Empire of the Apes" (directed by Mark Polonia) paints a grim picture of the fate of women as our future speeds nearer to us. Biting commentary and sultry space-babes give us a film that we want to see, rather than one that is force fed to us. Of course, sultry space-babes in much peril make it so easy to ignore any social message in favor of alluring cheesecake.

Three space-babes are prisoners aboard a spaceship. Dane (Danielle Donahue), Jada (Marie DeLorenzo), and Theel (Elizabeth V. Costanzo) are being brought to a grotesque alien planet to be sex slaves of monsters. Yep, Harvey Weinstein's Hollywood is a good comparison. Captain Zantor (Steve Diasparra) seeks to make a lot of money upon delivery. The women rebel and use a phony catfight as the catalyst for their escape. They steal a shuttle and crash land on a nearby planet. Soon, the trio is captured by ugly apes who rule the planet. Baal (James Carolus) is an evil ape who seeks to win favor with their ruler, Korg (Ken Van Sant). Korg seeks a ship to escape the dying planet and wishes the three females to help propagate their species. The gals are sickened by this suggestion.

Now imprisoned, the gals wait to be auctioned off. Korg has mandated that the ape-games (hand to hand combat) will decide which apes get a woman to mate with. Trask (Jeff Kirkendall) emerges as a good ape who seeks to help the trio escape. Uh oh, Zantor shuttles down to the planet to recapture the escapees. He and Korg will form an allegiance which, if successful, will be horrific for the space-babes. Either way, monsters are set to mate with these lovelies. Now the women, with Trask's help, escape, but their options are limited. The apes and Zantor are hot on their trail and simian hormones are going through the roof.

Warning, the ending is terrifying, especially if you are a woman. Young actresses in Hollywood will be able to relate. Do the gals have any hope for escaping a fate of monster rape? Should the sultry space-babes be more open-minded and give ape love a chance? The Polonia Brothers have done it again...they made a film we will love. Ignore the Hollywood idiocy about women being suppressed in a man's world and enjoy biting reality and enjoy a plot about apes who desire sex with space-babes. "Empire of the Apes," see it and ignore any of #MeToo's exploitation of the women they purport to help.

The Return of the Exorcist, Possession Italian Style

I bet you didn't know that the Italians, in the form of Giallo, ripped off "The Exorcist." Yep. Two guarantees...it's really bad, and it's really good! I can also guarantee you this Italian film is infinitely better than the Richard Burton/Linda Blair sequel. With lines like, "I spit on you and all your mumbo jumbo..." you know we have a winner in 1975's "The Return of the Exorcist," directed by Luca Damiano and Angelo Panaccio. Unlike the William Friedkin classic, there will be a lot of nubile Euro-babes beset in evil orgies in this Giallo entry.

Piero (Jean-Claude Verne) is a young hunk who has a chance encounter with a succubus (Mimma Biscardi). She is sent by a Satanic cult to possess him and she does. This won't be a good harbinger for his friends and family. Now Piero is seduced by this naked beauty and a satanic charm is burned into his chest. The first casualty of this succubus is the nubile Sherry (Sonia Viviani), Piero's girlfriend. She will have her throat cut at the disco while Piero and the seductress have pre-marital sex...coincidence? Piero's sultry mother (Francoise Prevost) will get into a knock-down drag out cat-fight with the naked demon. The old adage holds true here, "When you wrestle with a succubus...you both get dirty...but the succubus likes it..." 

Piero's only hope is his hot sister, Elena (Patrizia Gori). Uh oh...she's a nun. Back from Africa she tries to save her brother. Now the succubus seduces her and de-virginizes her. Victimized by the seductress, Elena calls in help and an exorcist (Richard Conte) is summoned. He is a boring chap who obviously took lessons from Max von Sydow. As our succubus keeps dragging Piero and Elena into deviant satanic orgies, our exorcist sticks by the playbook. Beds will levitate, the possessed will upchuck, and nubile nuns will be soiled.

Will Elena's rape at the hands of the succubus result in the planting of a demon seed? Will anyone fly through the window and down the cement staircase in this film? Is this film a metaphor for the increasing death grip socialism has on western Europe? Have some fun and see the Giallo version of "The Exorcist." Perhaps this is cinematic sacrilege but be sure to watch "The Return of the Exorcist."