Shock 'Em Dead, Traci Lords in Peril

No one ever comes out and says this obvious fact.  We'll say it here...Traci Lords is a pretty good actress. Pleasing to look at and often times she portrays a trash, or slutty character, but look deep...she does a fantastic job.  In our film today, her character has no business stealing the show...yet she does. Thrown in with demons, rock musicians, groupies, and centerfold type babes, we are looking at Miss Lords when she is on camera. So let us take a look at this 1990 horror film that might have been straight to video, "Shock 'Em Dead," directed by Mark Freed.

Martin (Stephen Quadros) is a loser.  He works at a pizza stand and his boss (Aldo Ray) hates him. He gets the opportunity to try out for a band and leaves for the audition. Aldo ray will fire him.  He won't get the gig. Now the landlord at his trailer park wants him out. Then Martin meets a voodoo priestess (Tyger Sodipe) and he agrees to sell his soul to the devil to become the world's greatest rock musician. It happens and he wakes in bed at a mansion with three babes who adore him (Karen Russell, Laurel Wiley, and Gina Parks). The lingerie clad babes are there for his every wish. Martin, now known as Angel, goes to rehearsal and blows everyone away with his guitar playing. There he meets Lindsay (Lords), the band's manager. Greg (Tim Moffett) plays bass and is Lindsay's fiancé. Jonny (Markus Grupa) is the lead singer and after the first concert, Angel humiliates Jonny and becomes the lead singer, too.

Lindsay is very happy and secures mega-recording and gig contracts from a big promoter (Troy Donahue). Now Angel wants Lindsay. Problem, these bargains with the devil have consequences and Angel needs to kill everyday, sometimes more, and eat his kill. He'll kill and eat slut fans, Aldo Ray, the trailer park landlord, and more.  Now he wants Lindsay as a bride but Greg intends to fight for the blonde manager. Lindsay realizes something is wrong with Angel and tries to flee.  She'll have catfights with the three sluts that serve Angel. Now Angel intends to do a voodoo blood rite to make her a demon vampire, just like him.

Will Greg be able to successfully fight off Angel and reclaim Lindsay?  Is Lindsay destined to be the bride of this demon?  What will the three slut demon babes who serve Angel do about Lindsay being around so  much?  This is a good entertaining horror film with a lot of action, bad music, and Traci Lords.  For a terrific horror film from the 90s that you have never seen, see "Shock 'Em Dead." 

Bears on a Ship, Yogi and Boo-Boo on The Love Boat

Okay, I don't want to hear any hate about this film. Sure, it only received a 2.8/10 rating on IMDB but it is a better movie than "The Color Purple," and the creature f/x are infinitely better than the ones in "The Devil Wears Prada 2." Also, this is the first bear film filmed on a cruise liner that has sunk. Really.  Filmed on the MV Aurora after it was sunk, the poor liner was docked in beautiful Stockton, CA undergoing repair when the water gushed in.  Finally it was towed away and scrapped...so sad.  But, not before genius filmmakers filmed 2025's "Bears on a Ship," directed by Eduardo Castrillo. I may say, the creepy setting of a dead ocean liner, with a storied history dating back to 1955, makes this film so worthwhile.

A Russian gangster pays Joe Bear (Christopher Wilson) a lot of dinero to go to Mexico and capture two grizzlies. Two of his hunters are shredded in the capture and now he brings the bears onto the Aurora for sail to the U.S.. Uh oh...an airline strike grounds all airlines and assorted airplane passengers pay Captain Carlos (Raymond Ruiz) for passage back to the States on the Aurora. Among the passengers are Missy (Erin Nolan) and her hubby Dave (Derek Crowe). They are rich and the rest of the passengers are not. Yep...a stoner, looking for a good time unlocks the cages and is eaten. Now the bears prowl the ship shredding everyone they meet. 

Highlights include the New Age bear whisperer woman who attempts to make friends with the beasts...she is clawed to death. The bears seem unstoppable. Okay, stop...no making fun of this movie on this blog!  You have to admit the creature f/x are better than the ones in the Talia Shire scare-a-thon "Prophecy." The bears look like...well, never mind. The passengers that are not shredded ban together, arm themselves, and now hunt the killers.

Enough of this plot which is gritty reality put to film.  Will Yogi and Boo-Boo make it to land in the U.S.?  Will Missy and Dave buy their ways to safety, or will the proletariat on the ship rebel and feed them to the bears?  Is this film a metaphor for Russia's invasion of Ukraine and the milquetoast response by NATO?  This is a good one and I stress, filming aboard a sunken cruise ship is such an appropriate touch for a killer bear film.  See "Bears on a Ship," and remove the need you have to see "The Devil Wears Prada 2."

Whisper Kill, Loni Anderson as a Psycho

Loni Anderson, the star of "WKRP in Cincinnati," was unquestionably the blonde bombshell of the 1980s.  She would eventually marry Burt Reynolds.  Though she played a bimbo secretary, the actress desired not to be type-cast as one.  A slasher?  Really?  Loni Anderson as a female Michael Myers.  Would that work?  Would it even work in a TV movie? Let us look at a 1988 TV movie starring our blonde bombshell, in a non-bimbo role. Our feature today is "Whisper Kill" (aka "Whisperkill"), directed by Christian Nyby II. He had just directed "Hill Street Blues" for the previous four years. Oh, his dad did some "Gilligan's Island," and "The Thing from Another World."

Liz (Anderson) runs a small town newspaper.  He partner and one-night stand Jerry is gutted by a brutal killer. Liz, embarrassed that she got drunk and let him have pre-marital sex with her did not like her partner...and even had motive to kill him. The killer calls his victims and in a muffled voice tells them they are next. If Jerry dies, Liz gets control of the entire paper, debt free. Dan (Joe Penny) arrives...hunk out of work reporter. He was coming to visit Jerry now dedicates his effort to finding the killer. Liz hesitantly hires Dan as a reporter. The two will have much pre-marital sex together as Liz will spend a great deal of the film in bed or in her impressive undies and lingerie. Joe is entranced by Liz and her beauty, even though he thinks she is the killer.  The killings continue and Dan has found out they actually began many years ago.  He also finds out if someone slept with Liz...they were murdered.

Dan is a good reporter and gets close to Liz.  They have pre-marital sex more often. Uh oh...Dan finds out Liz is under psychiatric care, was in a mental asylum, and killed her dad when she was 16. Uh oh, the schmuck (Joe Lerer) who owns the rival newspaper in town, is gutted by the same killer. Uh oh, Dan strong arms Liz' psychiatrist (Jeremy Slate) for information about Liz.  Dan also finds Liz' wealthy mother, a "Dear Abby" type personality, Winnie (June Lockhart).  Winnie provides Dan with more information about the raging nymphomaniac newspaper editor babe. Now Dan has gotten a call...while having pre-marital sex with Liz. Does this mean Liz is not the killer?  Nope. You'll see...but now Dan is convinced Liz is not the killer.  More die by the hands of the knife wielding killer. 

Is Liz really the killer, or is this too easy?  Can we blame Dan for having a lot of pre-marital sex with the nymphomaniac Liz...after all...it is Loni Anderson?  Will Dan's gutting be the end of this film, or is there a horrific twist that awaits?  This is a good one, and Loni Anderson provides some nice gratuitous underwear and lingerie action.  For a terrific TV movie from the 80s, heavy on the eroticism, see "Whisper Kill."  

The Face of Marble, Forerunner to Re-Animator

1985's "Re-Animator" was a perfect horror film. Directed by Stuart Gordon from an H.P. Lovecraft story, the gore-a-thon was just so much fun. Jeffrey Combs was the perfect mad scientist and Barbara Crampton's performance was the best scream queen portrayal of all time.  39 years earlier, this exact film was made and I'm sure you never saw it.  Today we look at 1946's "The Face of Marble," directed by William Beaudine and starring John Carradine as the mad scientist.

Dr. Charles Randolph (Carradine) had come up with a serum and machine that cures...death! Imagine that. Well...the process has not quite been perfected.  As the film begins, he and his hunk assistant, Dr. David Cochran (Robert Shayne) are trying to bring a corpse back to life...and it reanimates! The corpse, now living, has no facial expression and advances on the two doctors like it wants to murder them. Saved by a lightning  bolt...well timed, indeed. Now the two look to perfect the experiment but need...a corpse. Meanwhile, Charles' wife, the beautiful Elaine (Claudia Drake), unbeknownst to Charles, loves David. Uh oh...Elaine's devoted servant, Maria (Rosa Rey), does voodoo and casts spells to make David fall in love with Elaine.  This doesn't work. Oh, in Charles' desire for a corpse, he murders Elaine's huge hound and him and David bring it back to life. The hound is no longer friendly but a snarling devil dog that can pass through walls and doors as if it were a ghost.

Uh oh...surprise! The beautiful Linda (Maris Wrixon) visits. She is David's fiancé. Maria panics as she needs David to fall in love with Elaine. She'll try to murder Linda but accidentally kills Elaine. David and Charles rush Elaine's corpse to the lab and the duo do their thing and back from the dead is Elaine...sort of. Elaine is kind of...changed, and has similar attributes to her resurrected hound.  Now more murders will grace Dr. Randolph's mansion and a nosy detective (Thomas E. Jackson) investigates. Linda better be careful as Maria is still bent on uniting Elaine and David with love rituals.  Yep, Charles better be careful, too.

Will Linda and Elaine engage in a catfight while wearing negligees, in bed? Ha! No, I'm not being gratuitous!  Fooled you...THEY DO!!! Will the resurrected Elaine murder David or Charles?  Will Brutus the hound rip anyone's throat out?  This is a good one and almost the exact same film as the aforementioned 1985 classic.  See "The Face of Marble" and enjoy some negligee clad beauties in great peril.     

Megaboa, Big Snake Eats College Kids

Eric Roberts! Gotta like that!  Something about him just brings a smile to my face and makes me say, "I need to see that movie!" He's in this...and get this...he's in it for a substantial amount of scenes and lines. Today we have one from Syfy and The Asylum...yes! Whether its a boa or an anaconda, what is the difference?  Our feature today is 2021's "Megaboa," directed by Mario N. Bonassin.

Let's get one thing straight...it's a jungle. Not rain forest.  Jungle. So there...I said it. On an island off the coast of Columbia a big snake (like 60 feet long) eats Rex (Ray Acevedo).  His buddy, Joaquin (Joe Herrera) runs away...smart. On the beach, Professor Malone (Roberts) and his grad students have been dropped off.  They are going to take pics regarding prehistoric life that used to infest this jungle. His students? Allison (Michelle Elizabeth O'Shea), a sultry soldier girl pines for all those that never came home...yawn. The nerd and peacenik Grace (Emilia Torello)...we desire her to get eaten.  Hunk Adam (Garrett Schulte), a veritable seven on the hunk scale.  Benji (Vimala Veera), a brainiac who operates drones.  On their first night, Joaquin runs into camp panicked with tales of a big snake...the boa, not his. Bad news...Malone gets bitten by a spider and has 36 hours to live.

Mission...save Malone. Joaquin knows of an orchid that will save Malone's life.  He, Allison, Adam, Grace, and Jake (Jadon Cal Fitzpatrick) head into the JUNGLE to get the orchid. Oh, I didn't mention Jake. He'll get eaten first and regurgitated.  That's how I want to go! Uh oh...the orchid is up a tree and in the middle of hundreds of big boas.  Uh oh again, the really big boa arrives. Now the team must figure out a way to get the orchid, kill the big snake, and get back to Malone and save his life. Hence, you have an epic Syfy Channel movie! Oh...it'll get better when the giant spider in flames rears its ugly head. When the flaming arachnid battles the megeboa, it is such a beautiful sight. More snakes join the fracas ands also hunt the merry band of grad students and Joaquin.

Will Professor Malone be saved by the orchid?  Will any of his students make it back uneaten? Will Allison stop worrying about all those who didn't make it back long enough to see to it that her and her mates...make it back?  Over-the-top performances and a very likable character created by Eric Roberts are the highlights of this CGI heavy film.  If you like hunks, babes, big monsters, little monsters, and Syfy Channel films, see "Megaboa."  

The Incredible Petrified World, Prelude to a Catfight

I don't know why John Carradine films never get a rating on IMDB of above a 3.0 out of 10.  I mean if Diane Keaton's "Mrs. Soffel" gets a 6.1/10, then our feature today should get an 18! Yeah, there are monsters.  The film does begin with a death fight between a shark and an octopus. More importantly, the two babes in this film give one another the once over then steadily draw closer and  closer to one of those catfights in which they're pulling hair and scratching at one another's eyes. Babes stuck in unknown worlds can only lead to one thing...catfights. Let us look at 1959's "The Incredible Petrified World" (a much better film than "Mrs. Soffel"), directed by Jerry Warren.

Professor Millard Wyman (John Carradine) has invented an undersea dive bell. The oceanographer will send four peeps thousands of feet underwater to study unknown, and maybe still existing prehistoric species. Prof. Wyman brings his bell near the Florida Keys and is ready to lower it.  On board will be hunk Craig (Robert Clarke), his soon-to-be GF Lauri (Sheila Noonan), the reproterette/photographerette Dale (Phyllis Coates), and the dweeb Paul (Allen Windsor). Oh, just before getting in the bell, Dale receives a Dear Joan telegram from a guy who tells her to get lost and he hopes she'll drown and be eaten by fish. Many of us can relate to those sentiments, I'm sure. They dive and the cable snaps sending the bell on a freefall for thousands of feet. Before running out of air, the 4 divers don SCUBA suits, leave the bell, and make it to a series of underwater caves.

After an uneventful meeting with a Komodo dragon, the gang pairs up for mating purposes, Craig and Lauri and then Dale and Paul. Paul's a dweeb and Craig is a hunk so Dale is determined to scratch Lauri's eyes out.  Watching all this is some old guy (Maurice Bernard) who has been stuck in the caves for 14 years. He wants Dale as a mate but Dale is not happy about this. After talking to Dale for a few seconds, the old cave guy now wants to murder and eat her. On the surface, Dr. Wyman has not given up efforts to rescue his divers.  He's a good man and fortunately never really got to know Dale.  If he had, the professor may have decided to leave them down there.

Will Dale annihilate Lauri or vice versa?  Will Prof. Wyman be able to find and rescue his divers? Are there any mud pits in these underground caves in which Dale and Lauri can have a catfight in? This very entertaining adventure/scifi film is a lot of fun, so make sure and see "The Incredible Petrified World."

Hippo's Revenge, CGI Hippos!

CGI hippos? Why not? We've had CGI anacondas.  CGI dinosaurs. Heck, Biden was a CGI president.  Well, as bad as this movie is, it isn't as bad as Biden. Today we look at 2025's "Hippo's Revenge," directed by Sam P. Green.  Yep, where are Joel and the 'bots when you need them?  In all fairness, the final 45 seconds of this film is...well...what the first 81 minutes should have been.

Crispin (Jason Bailey)...idiot extraordinaire, runs a safari preserve in the middle of England.  His wife died...lucky her. Now he runs it with his idiot daughter Bug (Jenna Wilson), and his GF Aluna (Evyn George).  We meet all them and desire their demises. Okay, Crispin has just had a mother and baby hippo sent from Kenya.  During the process, mother hippo murdered two dockworkers...stomped on them. Now the hippos belong to Crispin and they have a large area to roam at the dullest safari park imaginable. Also on the preserve is dweeb Daniel (Tom Marchant).  Bug likes him but we don't.  The hippos?  Cute? Dull!  This is a movie in which you will develop a new found appreciation for poachers.  Then mother hippo bites the arm off Mr. Rogers (Richard Bobb-Semple)...he probably had it coming. 

Hippo carnage.  Most of it by stomping on heads or torsos. Okay, some nefarious people in England also want the hippos...why?  Because people in England have gotten real stupid since Tony Blair.  Go figure. The invading thugs converge on the preserve led by the idiot Sidney (Michael Hoad).  The guy has a beer gut and gets beat up by women, you'll see.  Him and his merry band of imbeciles then try to herd the hippos into a truck.  As you can imagine, this goes about as well as Starmer's economic policies. Crispin, Bug, Daniel, and Aluna?  They try to defend the preserve and the hippos not  realizing the hippos don't like them either.  But...to the credit of this film...the final minute is okay.

If you can do CGI hippos, why didn't the makers of this film select an animal we actually cared about... like a giant tarantula?  Is everyone in England as stupid as the characters in this film?  Is having your head crushed by the foot of a hippo a metaphor of what the Labour Party is doing to a once proud nation?  There is probably more of a market for this film than there is for that "Avatar" sequel, so let's not be too critical.  For hippo carnage, see "Hippo's Revenge."   

The Night of the Scorpion, Perverts, Deviants, and Murder

A veritable cacophony of deviance and perversion. Yep, we have an Italian/Spanish slasher production. Or, as we like to call it, a Giallo/Euro-Trash co-production. There is a heavy sexual theme, and none of it is wholesome sex. With a cast of characters we can call deviants and perverts, and a slasher, and sultry Euro-Babes, and an amnesiac hunk, and a nubile innocent babe, and a babe in a coffin, we have a goodie today.  Let us look at the sickly erotic 1972 film, "The Night of the Scorpion," directed by Alfonso Balcazar.

Okay, as the film opens, Euro-Babe Helen (Gioia Desideri) is being buried.  She just died, or was murdered. By who? At the funeral are her husband, the hunk Oliver (Jose Antonio Amor), Oliver's sister Jenny (Teresa Gimpera), and Sara (Nuria Torray). Oh, the sultry Sara was the wife of Oliver's late dad. Okay, so here goes...Jenny was also Helen's lesbian lover.  Sara, after her husband died, found comfort with Oliver in his bed. Total deviance. Oliver, an alcoholic, with blackouts, left the mansion and returns a year later...with his new bride Ruth (Daniela Giordano). Sara was upset he left as she is madly in love with Oliver...and still is, even as Ruth is the new mistress of the mansion. Jenny hates Ruth, too. As you can imagine. Oliver is now sober, that won't last. Sara is forever trying to seduce Oliver again. She spies, through a peephole, on Ruth and Oliver having steamy sex.

Yep...we need a slasher...and he, or she arrives. Throats will be cut.  Secrets will be protected.  Oliver struggles with his memory and does not know if Helen died of an accident or if he murdered her. Flashbacks reveal he caught Helen and his sister having steamy sex. Ruth gets suspicious as no one tells her anything and hires a private eye (Osvaldo Genazzani)...he won't get far in his investigation. Ah! I forgot to mention the sultry French maid, Clara (Alicia Tomas). She knew and liked Helen very much. How much? Get your mind out of the gutter. We like Clara...she seems very clean cut and looks sultry in her French maid outfit. Okay, whoever the killer is, he or she gets ambitious and even the beautiful will begin dying horribly. Now Ruth is prevented from leaving as Sara keeps spying on her in the marital bed.

Just who is the killer, and might it be Ruth...or maybe Helen is not really dead?  Will Jenny attempt to seduce Oliver's new wife just as she did his first wife?  Will Sara convince her stepson that she is the only woman who is woman enough for him?  Total deviance with no break through out the 90 minutes of this film.  For an erotic European slasher/horror goodie, see "The Night of the Scorpion."   

Frenzy, Sharks and Vlogs

"Frenzy"? Yep...and no, not the Hitchcock one. A shark movie from our buddies at Syfy! A Syfy Original we have today with three great big great whites. The cast? Babes and hunks. Their chances of surviving? Nil. Still, before calling this film hokey, corny, and stupid, I might remind you the ending to "Jaws" was actually not possible. Myth Busters proved that. But we have babes in bikinis and wetsuits, and toothy menaces. Our feature today is 2018's "Frenzy" (aka "Surrounded"), directed by Jose Montesinos.

The beautiful Paige (Gina Vitori), an extreme explorer, has a Vlog with millions of followers. Her and her team are going swimming with the sharks in a South Pacific locale...or that's their aim. Along for the ride is Paige's younger sister Lindsey (Aubrey Reynolds) who is also a babe and is frequently bikini clad. Seb (Taylor Jorgensen) is Lindsey's BF and he's a hunk, and is also banging Paige...cad! Then there are two throwaways, Kahaia (Lanett Tachel) and Evan (Michael S. New)...shark food. They take a private plane, with its beacon turned off, and go under the radar to a secret location. There, the plane breaks in the air and now all on bord are in the ocean, scattered. We see Lindsey first. She comes to the surface and seems to be alone.  She's not. Nope...three great whites are nearby and have already eaten the pilot.

Scared, Lindsey calls for her buddies and Kahaia soon appears. She'll be eaten as Lindsey finds a raft and climbs in. Seb also appears...and last for about a minute before he's eaten. Where's Paige? No sign of her. The sharks begin attacking the inflatable raft and Lindsey rows toward a small cove on an islet. Now the sharks converge on her and she remembers the past few days in flashbacks. Sex with Seb. Her sister double-crossing her. Learning SCUBA. How to kill 20-foot great whites. Wait...okay, so she picks the last one up on the fly. As the sharks hunt her, Lindsey makes up her mind...kill the maneaters before they eat her. Good plan and it allows for gritty  realism to seep into this film. 

Where is Paige?  Can Lindsey kill a total of 60 feet worth of great whites all by her lonesome self? Will the sharks be as impressed with this influencer wannabe as we are? Surprises and heartbreak abound. The ending will be such a beautiful thing and 100% realistic...well, maybe 20%.  For some fun, and if you enjoy Syfy Originals, see "Frenzy." 

Piranha, William Smith's Magnum Opus

Piranha! Uh...no, not that one.  Oh...no, not that one either.  Wait...no, not that one...or any of those sequels.  Before there were those more famous piranha films of Roger Corman or Joe Dante...or even James Cameron (the Titanic guy) made one...there was the 1972 not-quite-a-masterpiece film that starred one of the great heavies of the past 60 years...William Smith. Yep...in this one he is as deadly as a bunch of these toothy fish.  Our feature today is 1972's "Piranha," directed by Bill Gibson.

Caribe (Smith) is a hunter. He hunts for the thrill of the kill. He even traps monkeys and feeds them to anacondas just for the fun of it. Beats on-line betting or phone app betting of NFL games if you ask me. Then, two American arrive in Venezuela.  The sultry blonde Terry (Ahna Capri) and her brother Art (Tom Simcox). Terry is a photographer who believes no animal should ever be killed by human. Yep, she'll change her mind real fast after she enters the Amazon. Her brother is a gadabout who succeeds in banging a sultry Venezuelan slut (Julie Teca) in Caracas. Good for him! Now they hire a guide, the handsome Jim (Peter Brown).  Lucky for Terry that Peter brings a gun as  she shoots an offending rattlesnake right off the bat as it sprung at the nubile blonde babe.

The go further into the Amazon so Terry can get more photos of the wildlife. She has a grant to do it.  There they meet Caribe who smiles at them as an anaconda smiles at a hog. We know what he has on his mind. Rape and murder. Uh oh...Caribe gets Terry's juices going even though she hates the concept of hunting and killing animals. Jim hates Caribe from the outset and loses a motorcycle race to him that went through a swampy Amazon landscape. Caribe brings the trio further and further into the Amazon as Art is now after diamonds which seem prevalent in the basin. Now, well into the Amazon, just like an anaconda, or rattlesnake, Caribe springs.  Poor Terry...the thug wants a sex toy and Terry has tons more sex appeal than the local Indians. Now the trio is at Caribe's mercy and he is a vicious killer.

Will the nubile blonde Terry be soiled by Caribe and fed to piranhas?  Will Art and Jim stand a chance against this monster in his own home turf?  Are the piranhas, referenced in the title of this film, going to be part of the final reveal?  This is brutal one and the fate of Terry may make many of you wince. For piranhas, anacondas, rattlesnakes, gators (or are they crocs?), electric eels, etc...and a complete psycho, see William Smith in his magnum opus, "Piranha." 

The Requin, Vietnam Sharks

"The Requin"? Really? It's a shark movie. Hence the first big problem with this film. Requin? Are you kidding me? Nothing says shocking horror like...REQUIN!? As Mayor Vaughn said in 1975, "...you yell 'requin,' and people say 'huh,' 'what'?  You yell SHARK and all of a sudden you have a panic on your hands during Tet!" Or, something like that.  Problem number 2...nothing says roping in an audience like a backstory about a painful and tragic pregnancy. So this is what you do...call the film "Charlie was a Shark" or "Ho Shark Minh," then replace the pregnancy backstory with one about a zombie infestation in Saigon...then we're talking Oscars! Let us look at 2022's "The Requin," directed by Le-Van Kiet.

We'll skip the backstory...it will make you root for the great white shark. Okay, a vacationing couple, Jaelyn (Alicia Silverstone) and Kyle (James Tupper) are vacationing at a swanky Vietnamese resort. She cries a lot and we want to yell at the screen, GET OVER IT! They have one of those rooms in a hut built on the ocean and connected to the beach by a dock. Always fun until a freak typhoon arrives. Yep, Vietnam's Weather Channel isn't much better than the US one. Now Kyle and Jaelyn are banged up, bleeding, and still in their room...but the hut is now in the middle of the Pacific. Even worse, Kyle's leg is really badly hurt and bleeding and the blood is dripping off the mangled hut into the ocean.

You guessed it...sharks arrive. We are happy about this as one may eat Jaelyn. Then the couple try some things, all really stupid things, and before you know it the hut bursts into flames and now scattered driftwood is their only refuge. Kyle is bleeding some more. The sharks begin getting closer and the really big sharks arrive. I must say, the final 30 or 35 minutes of this film is now at hand...and believe it or not, it gets really good.  No spoilers here, but if you are about to turn this film off when the selfish and PTSD ridden Jaelyn goes off for the 1,000th time...don't.  What happens in the final third of the film will be well worth learning a new word...Requin. What is a requin? French for shark. I know...just call it SHARK! I'm with you.

Will we be fortunate enough to see Jaelyn eaten?  Will Kyle be fortunate enough to see Jaelyn eaten? Who goes to Nam to help their PTSD?  I mean, isn't that what Disney World is for? Perhaps Joel and the bots could have done a nice job with this one. Still, for the final 30 minutes, this is a good one. See "Nam Shark," I mean "The Requin," and reconsider staying in one of those hut ocean rooms in tropical places.

Death Cruise, Not the Love Boat

Nope, not "The Love Boat," but this Aaron Spelling production had a cast that could have been on that show. This made for TV film is so pleasing here in 2026 as it stars Kate Jackson! Yep, between "The Rookies" and "Charlie's Angels" the babe did this film in which she provided glamour and a sense of vulnerableness...even though she is heavily armed with a big rifle throughout the movie. One of "Charlie's Angels," in a slinky evening gown and armed with a big gun? Yep! That is so right! Let us look 1974's "Death Cruise."

It opens like a Love Boat episode as we meet the characters pertinent to the story. Jerry and his wife Sylvia (Richard Long and Polly Bergen) are spouses. She is controlling and he is a two-timing cad. James and Mary Frances (Edward Albert and Jackson) are a terrific looking young couple...seemingly happily married. When the murders start, we will see something different. Then Mr. C. himself, David (Tom Bosley) is married to Elizabeth (Celeste Holm). Elizabeth has grown distant from David through the years. They all sit at Table 24 for dinner with the ship's doctor, Burke (Michael Constantine). They get along fine, kind of. Sylvia makes cracks about Jerry's infidelity and she is in a gown that you won't believe the cleavage factor in it. One wonders how Kate Jackson felt, as she is clad in a sultry red evening gown and being shown up by a much older actress. Just saying! Back to the story at hand.

Uh oh...the murders begin. One by one the six guests bite the dust. Why? Who? Clues? Burke, begins snooping. Ah...the six have a connection. Atlanta 1970! They were all there. Uh oh, they all are on the cruise after winning a contest none of them remembers entering. Burke is smart even though he is not a detective. Dammit, Jim...I'm a doctor! He just about tells the captain this. As far as we are concerned, we want Mary Frances to survive and go on to do "Charlie's Angels." Besides the shots of her with her evening attire at night, and a big skeet rifle during the day really seduce us. A 2026 audience will see the twists coming a mile away, but a 1974 TV audience will be shocked at what unfolds.

Will our dear Kate Jackson survive the killer?  Is she the killer?  Will Burke catch the killer before he kills off all the TV stars?  Did Kate Jackson rip Aaron Spelling a new one when Polly Bergen's cleavage gown outshone her own red slinky one? This is a fun one and made a few years before "The Love Boat" and filmed aboard the Queen Mary.  See "Death Cruise," as in 2026 it is so much fun. 

Unknown Island, King King Lite!

An uncharted island in the South Pacific! Filled with monsters! Dinosaurs! A huge ape! Okay, not an ape...but a giant...sloth! Let's just go with that...it does have fangs. No Fay  Wray in this one but the rose among the thorns in this "King Kong" rip-off is the sultry Virginia Grey. She well be beset by all sorts of huge lizard type creatures, T-Rex beasts, and of course the sloth. Really, the sloth really is terrifying. Hunks abound to save her including the fellow from "Creature from the Black Lagoon," Richard Denning. Yep, this one is in color, quite a feat for 1948.  Let us look at the dinosaur film "Unknown Island," directed by Jack Bernhard.

At a dive bar in Singapore, Carole (Grey) and her fiancé Ted (Phillip Reed) enter to find a captain to bring them to an uncharted island in the Pacific. During the war Ted, blown off course, saw a small island teeming with dinosaurs. He wants to go there, photograph them, and bring some back. A fortune awaits if he is successful. The sultry Carole is financing the expedition and Captain Tarnowski (Barton MacLane) agrees. Oh, Tarnowski insists that the seemingly insane drunk, Fairbanks (Denning) join them. See, Fairbanks has been on the island but no one believed his stories of big dinosaurs who ate all his mates. Now the happy party set sail, deal with mutineers, but finally get to the uncharted island.

They see dinosaurs right away from the ship and take a launch to it. Fairbanks goes only because he is sweet on Carole. Ted gets obsessed with his pictures and discoveries and does not see his fiancé is being stolen from him. The T-Rex things attack and eat some of the crew members. So do other dinosaurs. Then, through the jungle brush, a hairy beast emerges...the fanged sloth. In peril, Ted, Tarnowski, and Fairbanks agree they need to flee the island...but this won't be easy. Their launch is stolen by scared and soon to be dead crewmen, and their supplies are ruined.  Now, Carole wanders away from the men and finds herself in more mortal peril.

Rubber suits and puppets make up our monsters in this one. This thrilled a 1948 audience and will thrill a 2026 audience, too...but for more nostalgic reasons. Exciting and with a lot of dinosaur action, this rip-off of "King King" is much better than any of the "King King" remakes. Also, however sultry Fay Wray is, Virginia Grey is just as much of a babe. For some roaring good fun, see "Unknown Island." 

House of the Damned, Haunted House Surprises

Haunted mansion, actually. The setting for this one is an isolated old mansion deep in the California mountains. The original owner? In a mental asylum for blowing off a guy's head. Last resident? Unknown. Yep, we have the makings for a nice Gothic type horror film, filled with ghosts, screams, and...well, you'll see. Oh, guess who is in it? Richard Kiel! The Jaws guy from "Octopussy." He plays...a giant! Go figure. Today we look at 1963's "House of the Damned," directed by Maury Dexter.

Finding work is tough for hunk architect Scott (Ron Foster). His sultry blonde wife Nancy (Merry Anders) is quite supportive. Yay! A job! Hunk real estate lawyer Joseph (Richard Crane) has a job for them. Go to the abandoned Rochester mansion and survey it to get it ready for sale. Scott and Nancy are thrilled...they won't stay thrilled. Joseph and his sultry wife, Loy (Erika Peters) will meet them at the mansion in a day or two to help out. Scott and Nancy arrive at the mysterious house and have 13 keys that will open 50 doors. Big spooky place.  Uh oh...we get indications that our lovebirds are not alone in the house. Then, while they sleep, something hideous crawls into their bedroom and steals the keys. When they wake, Scott and Nancy can't figure out where the keys went. All is well as the beautiful and flirty Loy shows up. Actually Scott is well, Nancy is peeved as she correctly surmises Loy is a...skank.

Where's Joe? Loy wants to know. Scott and Nancy have a lot of work to do and Loy strips out of her clothes, into a swimsuit, and goes sunbathing. We like Loy...a lot better than Nancy likes her. Joe shows up and Loy yells at him and storms out. She won't get far as on the other side of a door she opens is...is... well, you'll see. Now the three look for Loy. uh oh...creepy stuff happens and there is someone in the cabinet watching their every move...in bed. Uh oh...some thing that creeps is also astir in the house. Uh oh...well, Richard Kiel is also prowling around.  Uh oh...the rooms that don't have keys? Well Scott and Joseph decide to bust them down as they search for Loy after Nancy saw...saw...oh, it's awful, you'll see.

Where is Loy and did Richard Kiel take her as his unwilling bride? Why did Joe get to the house way after his wife? Is the Rochester woman (Georgia Schmidt) really locked in an asylum or did she get out? Nancy and Loy are true babes and lend a great cheese factor to this film. Scott and Joseph are hunks and lend a nice beef factor. Behind the locked doors...well...you'll see. Oh, the ending! Wow! See "House of the Damned" and be shocked when you meet the damned.

Dredd, Justice in the Future

Okay, today we have "Escape From New York" meets "RoboCop." Not a bad combo.  I mean, it ain't like we have to watch a film that combines "Mrs. Soffel" and "The English Patient." Nope... carnage... violence...gore...machine guns...incendiaries...daggers...and a cute blonde.  Sylvester Stallone already did this character, Dredd, a number of years earlier, and we can debate the need for this Karl Urban rendition, but this 3D film is so much fun, no matter how much it was not needed. Today we look at 2012's "Dredd," directed by Pete Travis.

Yep...you know the general plot. A mega-city is out of control in the not too distant future. Crime has taken over and judges now have the power to be judge, juries, and executioners. Dredd (Urban) is one such bloke...and he is merciless, perhaps appropriately so. As the film begins he mows down three druggies. Now he is assigned a partner, a not quite ready for prime time babe, Anderson (Olivia Thirlby). The blond babe seems to have what it takes to be blown away on her first day on duty...except... Yep, she's no ordinary babe, she is a mutant.  Her mutation? Psychic! Now Dredd and her answer a call at the worst tenement building in the city and find themselves walking into a buzzsaw. 

So here is the deal. Ma-Ma (Lena Headey) is the crime lord running all the manufacturing and distribution of a brand new narcotic, called Slo-Mo. Her base of operations is the top floor of this tenement skyscraper. When Dredd and Anderson show up, and by the way, Anderson looks very nice in her black leather tactical suit, Ma-Ma is determined not to let them ruin her operation. She locks down the building, cuts off communications, and has her thugs and every building resident hunt our judges. Now everyone in the building hunts them and Anderson is warned that if they catch her, Ma-Ma will make her wish she committed suicide instead of being taken alive. A catfight between Ma-Ma and Anderson? You'll see. Grenades, machineguns, explosives, and attitude will prevail in this war. Oh, there is a death scene at the end of the movie that is just so poetic, it should be a mandatory scene in any movie made today.

Just what will Ma-Ma do to Anderson if she takes her prisoner?  Will Dredd fall in love with the nubile blonde mutant psychic?  Will the death toll exceed 200...and how many of the deaths will be in 3D? Sure, not a movie we needed after the Stallone entry, but enjoyable and satisfying nonetheless. Prophetic and therapeutic, "Dredd" is a film you will thoroughly enjoy." 

The Last Hail M.A.R.Y, Space-Bimbos Save the World

Save the world? Ha! They try, but the bimbos, like anything in history, need a man to arrive to really save things. Still, if the astronettes are sultry...well...that's all we can ask for. As the Artemis program proves to be the country's largest jobs program and still has not put anyone on the moon, the space program needs a boost. Perhaps babes in space is the way to go. At least, we like looking at them. Our feature today, from our buddies at The Asylum, is 2026's "The Last Hail M.A.R.Y.," directed by Marc Gottlieb.

Okay, the great war against Mars is over, finally. An uneasy truce exists. Sadly, an even greater nemesis for Earth emerges. The sun's core is dying causing the star to expand. It expands so far that the sun engulfs Mercury. Sad! Now it threatens Venus...and after Venus? Yep...us! The ISS, no not that one, the Interplanetary Space Station, manned with babes, is tasked with saving the solar system. The commander is Lorraine (Esmeree Sterling). She's an idiot and in her own incompetence may destroy the ISS and Earth without the sun's help. Still, she is real cute and wears her lip gloss well, so we like her. She yells at everyone but in all fairness, her crew all yell back. The Mission Specialist is the babe redhead Solange (Juliette Cecile). She's grouchy and is pals with Hinata (Lei Kiryu), who cries a lot. Okay, there are others but we like Truman (Mica Javier) the best...total babe. Sadly, Truman dies horribly and is gone early in the film.

The sun swallows Venus sooner than expected and Earth is only hours away. Lorraine is clueless and keeps yelling at the other babes. Along comes a Martian, Icluf (Brennen Amonett). He arrives in his spaceship claiming he knows how to stop the sun from expanding and how to save Earth. Problem is no Earthling trusts a Martian and Lorraine is content to screw things up all by herself. Finally, the Martian wins their trust, sort of, and now that a man is on board the ISS, there is a chance the Earth just may be saved. We still miss Truman...but the beautiful die way too early in space. Now Earthlings and Martians must work together to save Earth, and consequently, Mars too, 'cause they are next. Yes, there are a couple of men in this film, other than Icluf, but they are neutered by the domineering babes. 

Hey, they brought Spock back...maybe Truman will be resurrected for the sequel...we can only hope. Divorced guys, who have been savaged by babes, will understand this film. Our boys at The Asylum have given us a fun one that only rates a 2.8 out of 10 on IMDB's rating scale. Will grouchy Lorraine be able to make just one half of a competent move during her command in this apocalyptic event?  Will Icluf run from the station and try to find some more men to work with?  Is this a film where we all will be cheering for the sun to explode? Have some fun in your next movie watching experience and see "The Last Hail M.A.R.Y."  

Trick and Treats, Buxom Lovelies Die Horribly

Not an easy one to watch.  The cast is filled with well built young ladies, dressed in erotic Halloween costumes, displaying large portions of their boobs, and very short tight skirts. They max out on the kinkiness as one is in a scanty Catholic schoolgirls costume, and another is in a leather cat costume. Sadly...what happens to them will ensure they will no longer be lovely.  The misogyny in this film is intense and what  happens to one pretty one with a weed-whacker will be so wrong. Never fear, the demon is played by Malcolm McDowell. Our feature today is 2025's "Trick and Treats," directed by Eric Hector.

Okay, there is a neat and horrific backstory about Peter the Pumpkin Eater from the 19th century.  You'll see it. Present day, three skanks dressed provocatively, showing mega cleavage, and their buddy, the soon to be dead David (Emmanuel Carter) head to a Halloween party in rural America. The babes are the bi-polar Ashley (Lauren Ledesma), Laura (Carmen Moreno), and Kelly (Victorya Brandart) and after Ashley has a psychic vision, the car goes off road and is disabled.  The unfortunate quartet walk to a biker bar where they are converged on by rapist bikers. Oh, at this bar is a demon possessed pumpkin.  Gary Busey as Pastor Joe tries to steal it, but was thwarted by the bartender Billy (Gregory Hardigan). The pumpkin is possessed by a Halloween demon named Trick (McDowell).  When the rapists jump the babes, paw them, fondle them, grope them, and tie them up, Trick telepathically talks to Ashley about how to save herself.

The dames are brought into three different rooms and bikers engage in torturing them and mutilating them. Oh, the weed-whacker scene is almost too hard to take. The beautiful will no longer remain beautiful, except Ashley.  Ashley, with coaching from Trick, gets into the heads of the bikers and decimates them psychologically.  Now, even though she is tied up, Ashley seems to have the upper hand.  Now Ashley gets loose, gets a knife, and sets off to find and free her two buddies. Oh, David? Forget about him...he was offed right away. Ashley will now have to kill and Trick will explain to her just how to do it. The kills will be gory and the babes will not be out of danger now that they are no longer restrained. Just like any demon, Trick has some tricks in store for Ashley, too.

Will the bi-polar Ashley be able to keep it all together and save her buddies?  What else does Trick have in store for Ashley other than murdering the rapist bikers?  Is this 2025 movement a pendulum-reaction to the now defunct #MeToo movement that capitalized on wokeness?  This is a bloody one and what happens to the beautiful dames will not be easy to watch.  Still, Malcolm McDowell is terrific, and Ashley's plight is a compelling one.  See "Trick and Treats" and get set for a sequel which is on its way.