Saturday, February 9, 2019

Unlisted Owner, A Hammer, Some Paint, and a Bloody Sickle find that perfect fixer upper! So exciting and financially reasonable. A lot of work must be done...remove the popcorn ceilings, new granite counter tops, knock down a wall for an open concept, all new appliances, and ship-lap. Uh oh, our film today wasn't created by Chip and Joanna Gaines, rather the terrific horror film-maker Jed Brian. After the ship-lap, we'll need mops to sop up the pools of blood, a broom to sweep up the severed limbs, and a crime-scene restoration company to remove the corpses. There are so many reasons why really big houses in great neighborhoods are so fantastically priced. Hence 2013's "Unlisted Owner."
The Roths' move into a beautiful fixer upper. So sad...through Chloe's (Chloe Benedict) eyes we see glimpses of her beautiful family being butchered. The house has a bloody past and a campfire backstory will let you in on that history. As the crime scene still smells of blood and bodies are loaded into the meat wagon, six friends plot their next youthful indiscretion. Jed (Brian) will man a camera to chronicle what happens next. He has a hot GF, Andrea ( Andrea Mills), her BFF Haidee (Haidee Corona), Griffin (Griffin Groves), Tyler (Tyler Brian), and Gavin (Gavin Groves). The evening will include a lot of alcohol, probably some marijuana, drunk driving, and probably some pre-marital sex. I know...where's the skinny-dipping?
Why skinny-dip if you can sneak into the above mentioned house/crime scene and have your party there? Great idea! This always goes so well. There is even a promise that two more vixens will show up. The cops have a suspect for the murders, so what's the danger? Veteran horror fans know the answer to that silly question. Whatever befell the Roth family, and perhaps whatever was responsible for the carnage in this house many years ago, isn't thrilled by giggly youngsters prepping for an orgy. Our six protagonists will face a terror that will seek to cut them to pieces. Jed Brian creates an evil force that seems to transcend a mere psycho in a cursed house plot as the fiend will get quite aggressive and swing a bloody sickle.
Will any of our misbehaving youngsters survive? Will Andrea or Haidee emerge as final-girls? Is this film Jed Brian's thinly veiled metaphor for the increasingly unaffordable  Ohio real estate market? This is a bloody one and its ominous tone won't bode well for the peeps entering the house. After putting up some ship lap and taking down the popcorn ceilings, make sure you choose a wallpaper or paint in which you can easily clean blood off. For a low-budget slasher-fest that will change the way you watch HGTV's "Fixer Upper," see "Unlisted Owner."

1 comment:

  1. at your best with this one, inspires me to want to write another post, love your new avatar btw