Amityville Emanuelle, The Most Awkward Emanuelle Film Ever

Okay...when we do get to the threesome...it is incredibly awkward.  Sure, Laura Gemser and Sylvia Kristel seemed natural at threesomes.  Of course, those two beauties did not have the infamous mass-murderer, Ronald DeFeo. Jr., intruding.  Today we have the most realistic (okay, not really) Amityville film ever, 2023's "Amityville Emanuelle," directed by Louis DeStefano.  Women's prisons, cannibal jungles, The Mediterranean, and castles...Emanuelle has been around. Why not Amityville?  Okay, that won't happen here as the film is set in L.A.

Laura Lutz (Dawn Church) is our Emanuelle in this film.  She's very horny and the ghost of Ronald DeFeo wants her.  He'll get her as she is a bit of a slut.  A weird woman brings Laura a box of junk left to her by her dad.  Her dad was the bloke who moved into the Amityville house after DeFeo murdered his family.  Among the contents of the box is DeFeo's ashes.  Okay...Gordon (Shane Ryan) is DeFeo's son.  He is having visions of his dad returning and murdering his friends.  His babe GF Gena (Allie Perez), who loves passion and sex, wants to help him. Laura has an Asian babe friend, Allie (Linda S. Wong) who tries to fix her up. Enter Evan (Chris Spinelli), a dweeb history teacher. Now DeFeo appears under the sheets when Laura satisfies herself...she does not mind this too much. What Emanuelle figure would?

As Allie looks really good, just had to mention that, Laura realizes she needs to do something. Now Gena, and what a passionate babe she is (did I mention that?) brings in her weird cousin, Janet (Saint Heart), who is a medium.  Seances and Ouija boards will be utilized in this film, and pizzas will be ordered. Our cast will engage in pre-marital sex, and a menacing Ronald DeFeo will try to rape and murder. The great horror mind Geno McGahee wrote this one...and we are all grateful for him introducing Emanuelle into the horror genre. Oh!  The ending!  Absolutely classic!

Will the hot Allie get as much action as Gena and Laura receive in this film?  Will Ronald DeFeo commit another mass murder, decades after the Amityville one?  Which babe will DeFeo choose to plant his seed in...if it gets that far?  Forget about Barbi!  Bring back Emanuelle...and thankfully Mr. McGahee and Mr. DeStefano have done just that.  See "Amityville Emanuelle" and see what the whole country is talking about.  

   

Horror 101. Bo Derek as a Horror Professor

22 years after playing the perfect female specimen in "10," Bo Derek did a horror film.  Give her credit ...22 years later, she was still quite the babe.  Though maybe an overly psychopathic one...maybe.  An academic study in horror is the subject of this film and Bo Derek is our babe professor.  She may also be a damsel in great distress, or maybe something much more nefarious.  Either way, we have one with a lot of cheese and beef, 2001's "Horror 101," directed by James Glenn Dudelson.

College hunks and babes are taking Horror 101 ad VBDU (don't ask).  Their professor is Allison James (Derek).  She's sultry and mysterious and looks at her students as a Doberman looks at a lambchop.  But does she want deviant sex...or blood? Her students have a final project due and we'll see some of them.  Professor James also has given some of the hunkier guys a research project for a book she's writing. Brian (Justin Urich) has psychopath written all over him.  Carl (Scott Rinker) is a nerd intrigued by psychopaths. The two of them have been given a mysterious research project.  Oh yes...the babes.  Allison (Lisa Gordon) is a nubile blonde who has killed off another nubile blonde, Lisa (Paityn James) in her horror film.  In actuality, despite being felled by the axe in the film, Lisa is okay.

Tiffany (Brigitta Dau) is my favorite...dumber than Joe Biden (okay, maybe not that dumb)...just how we guys like our sluts.  Her BF is football player Mark (Josh Holland)...all jock.  Okay, the class is summoned during an evening to do their finals and the disappearances begin.  One by one the babes and hunks go missing.  Uh oh...Professor James is also missing.  All eyes are on Brian who really looks psycho.  Sadly, Tiffany goes missing early on.  Clues appear and now we suspect that Bo Derek may not be the sweet babe we'd like her to be.  Throw in hungry Dobermans, spiders, snakes, and bladed weapons.  A final reveal will be horrific so be sure not to get too comfortable.

Is Bo Derek a nympho professor or a psychopathic killer?  Is there any way possible that Tiffany will survive to the end credits?  Is the short horror film made by our two blonde coeds a foreshadow of the fates of all these students?  The cheese, beef...and Bo Derek...highlights this Agatha Christie style plot. For some fun Friday night scares, watch "Horror 101" and enjoy Bo Derek in a different kind of role. 

Motorboat, Sunbathers and RVers Beware!

I'm always delighted when the actors and writers in Hollywood go on strike.  Good riddance Ron Howard and Tom Hanks...go away and please, stay away! For some great summer fare, horror film fare, we always have the Polonia Brothers!  In a movie for our precarious time in history, those terrific moviemakers give us 2023's "Motorboat."  Directed by Mark and Anthony Polonia, we have a film that anyone with a SAG card would've been incapable to give us.  So, again...shut up Fran Drescher!  Go away, in fact.  Let us concentrate on real moviemakers.

Messiah Ward (Michael Korotitsch) and his Brotherhood of Darkness Cult terrorize small communities.  They abduct the innocent and disembowel them on an altar of evil.  Father Thomas (Tim Hatch) has had enough and massacres the cult.  Two years go by...and now a possessed motorboat terrorizes Lake Jude and shreds beach-goers and RVers in its propellers.  Very sad.  Driving the phantom boat is the ghost of Ward.  Now Lake Patrol Chief Barney (Jeff Kirkendall) is investigating these boat propeller accidents.  The coroner confirms they are in fact homicides. Poachers, a nubile sunbather (Jamie Morgan), and RVers will all be shredded in the meantime.

Now Father Thomas and Barney team up to battle to resurrected Messiah Ward.  Barney has a gun.  Thomas advises him bullets will do no good in this battle.  Thomas loads up with crosses and holy water and the two begin hunting the evil phantom.  Much evil ground will be consecrated which will force Ward to come out and fight.  Now Barney and Thomas have had enough of the murders and try to take the fight to Ward.  Uh oh...Ward has already figured on taking the fight to them.  Ward and his ghostly motorboat don't intend to drydock...and our holy duo will fight to the death to end Ward's carnage.

This is no shark attack!  Will Messiah Ward be able to reassemble his cult?  Will Thomas and Barney have enough faith to battle a force from the depths of Hell?  Will the irrelevant souls striking in Hollywood ever get a clue that we do not want them back?  The Polonia Brothers have given us a terrific beach horror film.  Avoid the new "Indiana Jones" monstrosity and see "Motorboat."    

Jesus I Was Evil, Babe Missionary Carnage

Another stark warning...never open your door when the bell rings. Bad news...missionaries (think Mormons) ring your doorbell. Good news...they are two sultry babes. Okay, incredibly homicidal babes that will disembowel you if you don't find Jesus while they are visiting. A fun road to Hell, or delicious incentive to become a believer. Hence 2018's "Jesus I Was Evil," directed by Calvin Morie McCarthy.

From Salt Lake City, two sultry babes, Amber (Airisa Durand) and Martha (Melissa Crossland) have arrived in town to knock on doors and proclaim witness. They are part of a missionary group from The People's Church For a Christian Tomorrow. Traditionally dressed and very clean cut looking, men always allow them entrance. If the duo sees that you are a sinner (if booze, cigarettes, or porn is visible), they disembowel, shoot, or stab you. Oh yeah, they also may eat you. Martha is certainly a true believer and she studies scripture and sincerely wants to convert sinners. Amber is just a psycho babe into homicide, cannibalism, sex, and also booze, cigarettes, drugs, and sex.

Oh yes, they have a nemesis. A sultry girls scout selling cookies (Laura Welsh). Amber and this girl scout will antagonize each other and we can tell one will murder the other. After much murder, mayhem, and torture, the gals knock on Christian's (Cameron Lee Price) door. He's handsome and clean cut (no booze, cigarettes, or porn). Martha is hot for him. Uh oh...he is an agnostic. Amber, who is getting more unwound as the film progresses, wants to kill him. Martha wants to save him. A bit of a feud develops. In the meantime, the gals tie him up. Sensing an opportunity to escape torture and disembowelment, Christian attempts to seduce Martha. Amber then goes on a bloody trek in which she'll murder, have pre-marital sex, and smoke. As a rift appears to develop between Martha and Amber, Christian may prove to be too smart for his own good.

Will the virgin Martha be corrupted and soiled by the handsome agnostic? Is there a cat-fight brewing between Amber, Martha...and perhaps a nubile girl scout? Is the cannibalism in this film a loose representation for Holy Communion when done by psycho-bitch cannibals? Perhaps this is not the best movie to bring up in an adult Bible study, however, "Jesus I Was Evil" is fun, bloody, and the two babe missionary gals are nice to look at. 

Engine Trouble, Belgium Babes in Peril

Not even Belgium escapes slasher horror. Maybe you thought Belgium was only good for beer, chocolates, and weak political leadership...not so! Flemish horror does indeed exist. Just like Italy and Germany...Euro-babes also exist in Belgium, too. Today we look at 2002's "Engine Trouble," directed by Marc Ickx.

Two Euro-babes, Rebecca (Cecilia Bergqvist) and Sandra (Marlene Simons) are going on a two-week vacation together. The dolls pile into Sandra's old car and head out of the city. Uh oh...the car breaks down just past a really creepy gas station. Rebecca is too creeped out to go back to the gas station which seems to have a wild animal locked up inside. Sandra goes...and we'll never see her again...at least in one piece. With Sandra missing-in-action, Rebecca believes she is fortunate that the station's tow truck just happens by. Robert (Bob Dougherty) seems like a clean cut mechanic and fixes the car. Rebecca drives back to the station and finds out no one there has seen Sandra...or so they say. 

Unbeknownst to Rebecca, when she drives away, whatever creature (Marcel Romeijn) was locked up at the station has moved to her trunk. Yep, the old car breaks down again and now the creature in the trunk starts attacking Rebecca. Oh yeah, we see Sandra again...first her head, then the rest of her body. Very bloody. The creature, armed with a menacing sickle now pursues Rebecca and chases her into an abandoned military installation. She'll be captured by the creature who loves collecting Euro-babes as play toys. Strung up with another Euro-babe, Melissa (Arlette Adriani), the two will be tormented by the thing. Melissa will be torn to pieces but Rebecca will find a way to free herself of her chains. Now she must outsmart, not only the creature...but the evil antagonists who have placed in in harms way. 

Will Euro-babe Rebecca survive the aroused creature, or become another one of its broken toys? Just who, is responsible for funneling a steady stream of Euro-babes to this creature? Is the creature a thinly veiled metaphor for Belgium's horrid show in fighting off the Nazis in World War 2? Rebecca and Sandra give us some great Euro-babe scenery and their predicament is quite horrific. Fans of 1980s slasher films will love this Flemish horror movie. For some nice gore, cheesecake, and scary creature action, see "Engine Trouble." 

Cabal, The Super Elite Dissect Nubile Babes

So why do nubile babes, clad in bikinis or or nothing at all, die so horribly in horror films? This is not a rhetorical question. The answer might be posed to Klaus Schwab, Warren Buffett, or the Clintons. The dozen or so blokes who actually run the world have an agenda and we are just their lab rats. After learning all about Jeffrey Epstein, party coordinator for the super-rich, we know what the uber billionaires think of us. 35 minutes into this Rene Perez film, we get a good explanation to the aforementioned question. Hence 2020's "Cabal."

Dragonfly (John Ozuna) is a super secret assassin working for an elite cabal (think George Soros). He kills without asking questions. This won't last. Elizabeth (Eva Hamilton) is his handler. First Elizabeth figures it out...the elites are actually evil murdering the masses. Parallel plot: Sollis (Tony Jackson), an axe-man clad in a mask made of human skin is hunting nubile babes in the wilderness. Most are models in bikinis lured into the forest by this elite organization. Sollis finds them and disembowels them. The nubile babes' remains are sent to a weird clinic so their organs can be harvested and given to old rich broads. Elizabeth knows Dragonfly is one of the 'good guys' and convinces him to invade the forest and kill Sollis.

Dragonfly will have no trouble finding Sollis as beset babes litter the wooded paths. Meanwhile we get to meet these elitists...and the conversations they have are right out of the playbooks of Klaus Schwab, George Soros, the Clintons, and Warren Buffett. By praising deviance, and making women insane, these devils will control society, harvest their organs, and live forever. Now Dragonfly is hunting Sollis as Sollis hunts him. Oh yes, the elite commando squad is also hunting him...and Elizabeth, the babe on the sideline is put in mortal danger herself.

Will Sollis ever be turned loose on his wealthy employers? Will the nubile Elizabeth fall victim to the devious plot she is trying to stop? Will Dragonfly's assassination techniques be successful against Sollis and his bosses? This is an extreme horror film of the torment the 99% is beset with by the upper one percent. For some neat social commentary with gore and nubile babes in much peril, see "Cabal."
 

Septic Man, Excrement and Upchuck

Disgusting from the opening scene. Yep...today, let us plow into the septic system of modern horror.  This one from Ontario will ask you to delve in s**t for the duration of this film.  Vomit, too.  Before you dismiss this one, remember, what is being added to our drinking water is poised to become a hot-button issue thanks to the candidacy of Robert F. Kennedy, Jr.  We all yawned when fluoride was added to our tap water...but was it done so without malice or harm?  Arsenic?  Yep, that's in it too.  What next.  The results of all that are theorized in 2013's "Septic Man," a Canadian film directed by Jessie Thomas Cook.

Collingwood, Ontario is having a problem.  A myriad of diseases are killing the population and traced back to the water supply.  Missing persons and dying suddenly and horribly are plaguing the place.  The mayor (Stephen McHattie) orders evacuation and the army moves in to quarantine and enforce the evacuation. A lone septic man who works for the city, Jack (Jason David Brown), is paid to stay and figure out what is contaminating the water.  A weird consortium represented by Prosser (Julian Richings) represents a cabal eager to find out what backed up into the underground drinking water.  Jack heads down under and begins exploring the intake and outtake pipes.  What he finds is disgusting.

Uh oh...in the city's underground septic tank, dozens of human corpses mix with s**t.  Even worse, Jack falls in and then is kept prisoner down there by a weird giant (Robert Maillet) and his animalistic brother, Lord Auc (Timothy Burd).  These two have a weird relationship that includes murder.  The duo seem intent on keeping some secret.  Now the excrement covered Jack begins changing into a monster.  More bodies are dumped from above.  Even Prosser is tossed in.  Physically, Jack changes...and in other ways, too. You'll see.  Any hope for Jack to get out?  One slim chance...his pregnant wife (Molly Dunsworth) is determined to find him.  Unfortunately, Jack may no longer be the man she knew.

Is Jack too far gone to be rescued with his humanity in tact?  What and who are contaminating Collingwood's water supply?  Now that everyone likes RFK Jr. better than Biden, will he be allowed to bring the issue of contaminated drinking water into an election season?  This is an icky one...but may be an important plot.  If you can stomach s**t and vomit for 90 minutes...and rats...and disembowelment...and mutant monsters...then "Septic Man" is the film for you.