30 Seconds to Live, The Game of the Zombie Apocalypse

Looking for a neat game that doesn't include wizards and dragons? The zombie apocalypse is a ripe subject for strategy and cunning. Lovers of real games...with dice, cards, and tokens, we can take heart, "30 Seconds to Live" is here. If you are a zombie...select who's heart you take. The aforementioned apocalypse may be in the near future, but you can prepare now. Sure there is luck involved...as there is during apocalypses...but skill, experience, and knowing your strengths and weaknesses may keep you alive.

It all goes to pot in three months. Weirdness in remote Siberia moves into every major city. Zombie outbreaks. The X-Virus overtakes the planet. Goodbye Internet. Goodbye cellphones. Goodbye order and government. The good news...you are still alive! Bad news...the odds aren't in your favor. Survivors are getting rarer by the hour. The stronghold you are in is breached by these smelly unmentionables and now you are on the run. As "30 Seconds to Live" begins, you are trapped in an alley and it doesn't look good. The good news...you have weapons, abilities, and. The bad news...the zombie who wants to eat you is your buddy sitting across from you.

I played "30 Seconds to Live" with my son...he was the zombie...he won. The alley is long and the object is to get past a horde of these undead, kill if you must, and live to fight another day. Your buddy's goal...eat you! Through a skillful and thoughtful maneuvering of supplies, tactics, and weapon handling (most of this is from drawn cards), survival chances are increased. Oh yes...this maneuvering differs from each player, as whichever character you pick, has different sets of skills and weaknesses...which you must exploit. What happens next if fast-paced and in about 30 minutes, you will know if you live to fight another day.

The Survival, Attack, Weapons, Tactics, and Alley cards are brilliant and horrific in their artwork. The various characters are people who you may know in real life...no superheros. No time for idleness...you must attack and move...until you get away or are killed. "30 Seconds to Live" is artistically put together and designed to play at a rapid and intense pace. You are likely to lose your first game...but the improvement curve will be steep. This is the type of game horror fans will play three or four times in succession during one sitting. 
For more information on playing and ordering "30 Seconds to Live," click this link 30 SECONDS TO LIVE

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Delta Delta Die!, Sultry Sorority Cannibals

It is only fair. We have been enjoying sorority babes get slashed and diced for years. Now we have the tables turned. Sultry sorority babes doing the slashing and dicing...and eating. Perhaps no better metaphor for American university life exists outside the slasher film. Today we look at 2003's "Die Die Delta Pie!" directed by Devin Hamilton. Nudity and gore will rule...as will disembowelment and pre-marital sex and castration...also a fine metaphor for university life.

Hannah (Karen A. Smith) begins the film by eating a jock's penis during pre-marital sex. She is punished by the Delta Delta Pi sorority mother, Marilyn (Julie Strain) because this is forbidden. Not cannibalism, but eating the dirty and un-pure penis. The gals of this sorority lure jocks to their house, seduce them, and chop them up and put them in meatgrinders in order to make meat pies. We see a lot of this in the film as Patrice (Tiffany Shepis) demonstrates an alluring erotic dance to these jocks before Marilyn enters as a cannibalistic dominatrix. The pies bring in a lot of funds for the sorority and we are let in on the backstory of how this all began.

Tobias (Joe Dain) is getting suspicious. He works in the dean's office and sees the college covering for Marilyn's sorority and their antics. Many of Tobias' buddies have been ground up. He reaches out for Rhonda (Brinke Stevens), a former classmate of Marilyn's 20 years ago. Rhonda has been banished by the sorority and Tobias believes she could be an ally to stopping Marilyn. Uh oh...Rhonda is also a lunatic and loves jumping pretty sorority gals. Now Rhonda is back and Marilyn is going full force with her meatgrinder. As jocks continue to fall and Patrice maximizes her eroticism...and nudity and gratuitous shower scenes are thrown at us, a war brews between Rhonda and Marilyn. Cat-fights will abound, and the sultry sorority girls will also be put in mortal danger.

Is sending dumb sex-crazed jocks through a meatgrinder really such a bad thing? Did the bloke who had his penis eaten by Hannah die with a smile on his face? Will the beautiful sorority gals end up in the meatgrinder, as well? This is a prurient and naughty one. If you like gore, nudity, exotic dancing, cat-fights, and gratuitous shower and pre-marital sex scenes, enjoy "Delta Delta Die!" 

Hell of the Living Dead, Traipsing Nude Through the Apocalypse

After "Dawn of the Dead" and "Zombie" hit the screen, zombie apocalypse gore wasn't done. Today, the uber preachy and stiff "The Walking Dead" has killed the subgenre, but in 1980, it was just beginning. Margie Newton will have one of the most alluring zombie movie scenes ever, rivalling the zombie versus shark scene in the Lucio Fulci film. In the midst of a zombie infestation, the sultry actress will strip, apply some body paint that highlights her naughty part, and traipse through the jungle. Why not?! Today we look at 1980's "Hell of the Living Dead" (aka "Virus"), an Italy/Spain production directed by Bruno Mattei.

A disaster at a chemical plant in Papua New Guinea releases a chemical cloud. First, the employees are overcome and turn into flesh eating zombies...then all of New Guinea. In Spain, a military SWAT team puts down a hostage situation at the American Consulate. This team is sent to New Guinea to...well, I guess see what happened at the plant. Arriving in the jungle they meet up with reporterette Lia (Newton) and her irrelevant cameraman. The soldiers grunt a lot and Lia acts standoffish and prissy. They all encounter zombies immediately and when they first meet, it is at an overrun mission in which a horrifying scene takes place. Now they all head deep into the jungle where a tribe will be wiped out by the flesh eaters but not before Lia's nude frolicking.

Lia's nude frolicking does give the tribesmen reason to die with smiles on. From there, they continue, this time on the run from native zombie hordes. Vincent (Selan Karay) and Mike (Jose Gras) are two hunk soldiers who might have a chance at pre-marital sex with the grouchy Lia. Remarkably, the soldiers all stay alive through most of the film despite doing really stupid things. They love taunting zombies. As Lia yells at them and as Mike and Vincent grunt some more, the zombie hordes get bigger and hungrier. Yes, they'll reach the chemical plant for some unbelievably bloody gore.

Just what do the soldiers intend to do when they reach the overrun chemical plant? Will the frolicking Lia ever lighten up and have pre-marital sex with Vincent or Mike? The characters and themes of this film are rip-offs of Romero's, but if you're smart you will ignore tiresome messages this film puts forth. The gore will be extreme and quite elongated in its presentation, and you might find yourself cheering for the undead flesh eaters. For some extreme gore, playful nude traipsing, and grouch or stupid characters, enjoy "Hell of the Living Dead" and cheer for the end of mankind. 

Berserker, Viking Madman in Utah

 It has been awhile. 1000 years, give or take. Bored Vikings departed Scandinavia for Iceland, Greenland, Newfoundland, and Utah. A millennium later, hunks and babes in states of undress will feel the wrath of these noble and brutish men. At least, that is the case in 1987's "Berserker," directed by Jefferson Richard. This film boasts of some nice looking 20 somethings engaging in pre-marital sex, and frolicking through the Utah wilderness. 

Through a demented Nordic bloodline, a Berserker (Viking madman) is loose in a Utah campground. This fiend dons a bear snout and sharp claws and shreds campers. As the film begins, a heartbreaking scene sees an elderly couple get torn to pieces by the thing. Enter six hunks and babes. Josh (Greg Dawson) is bringing five friends to the campground he spent his summers, as a kid. His main squeeze, Kristi (Shannon Engemann) has a great swimsuit scene, will be the first of the group to be torn to pieces In a passionate pre-marital sex scene, the nubile and naked Shelly (Beth Toussaint) and buff Mike (Joseph Alan Johnson) will be interrupted by primal screams and torn up body parts. Alas, Shelly will soon become a pile of torn up body parts.

Kathy (Valerie Sheldon), her boyfriend Larry (Rodney Montague) and Josh are now on the run. The trio is beset and wounded by the Viking thing. Oh yeah, a slow moving cop (John F. Goff) is kind of interested in rescuing them. Uh oh again...the park caretaker, Pappy (George Fowler) may know more about the creature than he should. There will be a classic scene in which the Berserker gets into a brawl with a real bear. All these people and creatures are on a collision course, and the nubile Kathy will scream nicely. As the teeth, claws, hunk and babe body parts fly, a showdown is brewing.

In Viking lore, are pre-marital sex, pot smoking, skinny dipping, and drunken debauchery frowned upon by the Berserker class? Why do nubile, scantily clad dames rarely fare well when a centuries old creature comes calling? Did the Viking culture have anything against the Mormon church? This is a bloody one and the death scenes are quite elongated. For some great cheesecake and beefcake, most of which will be shredded, see "Berserker."

Monsters in the Woods, Big Bugs vs. Movie Crew

Anyone who has made a low budget exploitation/horror film will be able to identify with today's film. The great thing about a low budget exploitation film crew and cast is that there will certainly be nubile babes (probably nude), hunks, and neat monsters. With buckets of blood, and some great cheesecake and beefcake, sometimes clothed, we have 2012's "Monsters in the Woods," directed by J. Horton.

Jayson (Glenn Plummer), the director is on location in the California wilderness. He has made what he thinks is a great horror/exploitation film. The production company has sent him back to the location to film a whole lot more sex and gore scenes. Burt (Edward Hendershott) is an actor with the pleasure of being in a pre-marital sex scene. As he is screwing the nude Suzy (Jacqui Holland), Turkeyhead comes by and kills both of them in gory fashion. Jayson isn't happy with the scene but it'll have to do. Burt is working for free and Jayson has agreed to put his girlfriend, the pill-popping Ashley (Linda Bella) into the film. Uh oh, some earthquakes allow huge bug monsters to come out of the ground. These creatures will start eating and disfiguring the beautiful cast.

But wait! All is not lost! A pair of bickering monster hunters, who may be lovers, arrive. The sultry Ariel (Claudia Perea) is armed with a sawed-off shotgun. The bugs will eat her partner and now she is on the run. Claudia meets up with Burt, after saving his skin, and the two team up. Burt is looking to save Ashley, who is making out with anyone she can. The bugs will pick apart the script writer's (Ashton Blanchard) face. Ariel begins levelling with Burt and the truth is ominous.  Now Burt realizes survival isn't his only goal...saving the entire planet is. As Ashley gets a crash course in acting, and as Jesus Christ enters Jayson's plot, the horrifying bug creatures mount a final offensive to disembowel the beautiful.

Just where did Ariel come from, and what secrets does she know about the bug monsters? Just how does Jesus Christ, complete with robe and his crown of thorns, make their way into the plot?  Is Ashley sexy enough to be saved...or to die the most gory death in this film? This is a fun one, and the problems that plague a low-budget film shoot are hilarious...at least to the viewer. For some great gore, cheesecake, beefcake, and creature effects, see "Monsters in the Woods."

Paganini Horror, Satanic Composer Shreds Euro-Babes

Who knew? The great 19th century composer/violinist Niccolo Paganini sold his soul to Satan and used his wife's intestines to craft his own violin strings. Happens, I know. What happens when Giallo takes a turn at this plot device? Yep, 1989's "Paganini Horror," directed by the great Italian horror moviemaker, Luigi Cozzi. Throw in Donald Pleasence as Satan, a sultry all-girl rock band, and even some more sultry Euro-Babes and we have a film destined to be as classic as Pagani's scores.

Kate (Jasmine Maimone) is losing it. Her band has a bunch of #1s, but her sultry producer, Lavinia (Maria Cristina Mastrangeli) chews her out for not being able to create any new tunes. Elena (Michel Klippstein) and Rita (Luana Ravegnini) are her guitarist and drummer. Fawning Daniel (Pascal Persaino), an actor in the band's videos, is Mr. Helpful. He purchases a haunting piece of sheet music, written by Paganini. The seller? Satan, of course. Now the band, Daniel, Lavinia, and horror director Mark (Pietro Gennuardi) rent a haunted mansion to film the band's new video. Now Kate and her band have their groove back.

Uh oh, Paganini's devil-worshipping spirit is conjured up. The lovely Rita is first to go as she gets stabbed repeatedly by a violin with a blade. So sad...she was quite the babe. Babes will continue to die horribly, as this is Giallo. My favorite one is when a band member gets eaten by tree fungus...really! Now Kate, Lavinia, and the owner of the mansion, a babe named Sylvia (Daria Nicolodi) must figure out how to stay alive, send Paganini back to Hell, and escape. Oh yeah...the guys...useless...go figure. Babe damsels in much distress are chased and attacked by the otherworldly, and look great in the process. Kate comes up with a really stupid idea...but this is Giallo, so what do we expect.

Will Satan or Paganini enjoy one of these Euro-babes as a bride? Just how useless are Euro-hunks? Wouldn't stomach lining make a better violin string than intestine? The Euro-babes are all sultry and their deaths are gory and imaginative (Just ask Elena about her tree fungus problem). For some nice Giallo and an attractive all-girl band targeted by Satan, see "Paganini Horror."

Killbillies, Killer Slovenian Moonshine

What could be better than beautiful and arrogant European fashion models and moonshine liquor. The only thing better would be if the Swedish Bikini Team showed up with some Old Milwaukee. In the mountainous regions of Slovenia, however, babes and moonshine will have to do. Throw in hillbillies that seek to rape and kill babes, axes, and razors, and we have 2015's "Killbillies," directed by Tornaz Gorkic. Let us take a look at a Slovenian film.

Early on we meet Zina (Nina Ivanisin). A part-time model and actress who happens to be grouchy and quite able to beat anyone up. Her short fuse is shown to us immediately. The beautiful grouch joins fashion photographer Blitcz (Sebastian Cavazza), a real hunk and an annoying blonde model, Mia (Nika Rozman). Mia talks incessantly about herself and we desire her to meet a tortuous death. They head into the mountains for a photo shoot. They pass some hillbillies that look like zombies selling moonshine by the side of the road. The moonshine seems to have weird effects on the consumer, not that regular moonshine does not.

Dragica (Manca Ogorevc) joins them. She is beautiful Unfortunately for our four cosmopolitan Slovenians, Franci (Lotos Sparovec) and Vintir (Jurij Drevensek) arrive. They clobber our models and photographer. The two grotesque hillbillies lock them up in a mountain dungeon. Our beauties better think fast as the hillbillies use Dragica's blood and bodily fluids to make moonshine. The distilling process is quite gory...you'll see. Now Mia and Zina...don't even ask about Blitcz' fate...must strategize and find a way to escape and fight back before they become 150 proof moonshine. The war is on and beauties and hillbillies will get cut up in a graphic manner. Euro models and hillbillies will have a cultural clash that will be blood red.

Will any of our Euro-babes survive the grotesque mountain men? Would stronger government regulation of rural liquor businesses have provided a stronger means of preservation for these Euro-babes? Is using their bodily fluids the only thing our hillbillies desire from the models? Bloody and sometimes heartbreaking, "Killbillies" is quite horrific. For the best film ever made in Slovenia, see "Killbillies."