Big Bad Bugs, Giant Icky Creatures Invade Afghanistan

Giant scorpions! Giant spiders! Giant wasps! Giant snakes! A Navy SEAL team with sultry babes as half of its soldiers (these ladies will all die horribly without uttering a line). Yes, today we have 2012 "Big Bad Bugs." Very few films set in Afghanistan have merited any accolades. As left-wing Hollywood is incapable of making a decent war film, we turn to our B movie makers to give us one worthy of this blog.

An army scout unit in Afghanistan is wiped out by a monster scorpion. Seems they were looking for a worm hole...like winning the war on terror isn't enough. Uh oh, as the scorpion kills soldiers, Sydney (Camden Toy),the mad-scientist that accompanies these brave men, is pulled through a worm hole. Quickly the US Army assembles a team to find out what happened. The sultry Captain Dexter (Sarah Lieving) will join up with a Navy SEAL team led by Reiger (Ted Jonas). Secretly, Dexter and Reiger are engaged...and he is quite the hunk. This will be awkward as Dexter has recruited her ex-husband and nerd-scientist William (Jack Plotnick) to join them. Yep, William is a nerd but he knows worm holes and used to work for the now missing Sydney.

The team is dropped at the site and immediately a babe SEAL is eaten by bugs. The team enters a cave and meet up with the giant scorpion and luckily are able to kill it and determine that it, and all the other bugs are powered by a mysterious crystal. Now the giant  bugs pursue and the beautiful SEALs will all die horribly leaving Deckert with no competition. Wait! Mysterious radio signals from Sydney indicate he is a prisoner of an alien intelligence and guarded by bugs. Deckert, Reiger, and William, and some still alive male-SEALs now track the signal. On the way there, there will be more bug attacks, some serious sexual-harassment of Deckert, and William tries to figure out how to close the worm hole that delivered these alien bugs to Earth.

Does the nerd William have a shot at getting the very hot Deckert back from the hunk Reiger? Are the horrible deaths of the female SEALs a statement about the exploitative nature of the #MeToo movement, or a slap in the face to actresses seeking respect and dignity in the movie industry? Just where do giant snakes fit into this plot and is the reptile community culturally appropriating the insect community for the sake of some gratuitous monster effects? This is a fun one, directed by Peter Paul Basler. For some gratuitous fun, enjoy "Big Bad Bugs," and find out why men are leery about women serving in combat.

Literature Review: The Deal Maker by Lou Yardley

So sweet...we have young love...a young man realizing he can't live without the woman he loves. We have an artsy-fartsy woman entrepreneur who makes jewelry for her on-line business. Their worlds will collide in an explosion of passion! No, not a romance novel, thankfully, but EXTREME, VICIOUS, AND BLOODY HORROR that will explore the depths of Hell! Yes! Lou Yardley has given us The Deal Maker that spins some seemingly unrelated stories together (a la a Guy Ritchie plot) and reels them in through a grotesque antagonist which for lack of a better word, we'll call a demon.

Ted loves Jesse, a woman out of his league, but deeply in love with him nonetheless. In a weird moment, Jesse is abducted and the only clue is a cryptic note discouraging Ted from finding her. Ted is driven to the brink of ruination as the months pass, but finally decides to put his own search together. With no clues, our distraught lover is contacted by a cryptic ally. This bloke (hardly human...but demonic) will help Ted pursue his love...but for a price. Ted realizes his only ally may be the epitome of evil. The demon is suave and smooth-talking and will assist Ted with clues to Jesse's whereabouts...in return for one of Ted's body parts. Will Ted take the offer? Do you really need to ask?

Uh oh...side stories. The beautiful Kelly sees the abduction of her true love...and guess who emerges in her life with an offer of assistance. Both Ted and Kelly are so wrought with love for their missing lovers, nothing will matter, no consequence will deter them for finding their soulmate. Enter three killers! Our protagonists will have their lives intertwined with these monsters, thanks to their demonic guide. As Tad and Kelly continue making deals with the demon, their bodily losses will get more pronounced and painful. They get closer, but will our demonic ally let them complete their goal?

Lou Yardley will take us to the depths of Hell and it will be horrific. But wait! Is there more going on here? Can Kelly and Ted outsmart a creature of Hell? As Ted and Kelly change (physically and in sanity), will their lovers want to be saved by them? We have all heard the often rejected sermon that tells us we are all born of sin and worthy of Hell. Think about that as you read through this action-packed, and multi-dimensional horror epic that will have you squirming uncomfortably as you yell to the characters, through the pages, "No!!!"
To purchase this or other Lou Yardley books, click on the below link:
Lou Yardley Fiction

Red Eye, Brutal Gore and Deviant Kills

Okay, if brutal and senseless violence and gore offends you...stop reading. If not, well, we have a good one which will boast of deviant necrophiliac rape (wait, is that redundant) and a lot of blood, throat cuttings, torture, eyeball gore, etc. Oh yes, this one also has a nice performance from one of my favorite modern horror stars...the effervescent and lovely Jessica Cameron. Let us take a look at 2017's "Red Eye," directed by Tristan Clay and written by Clay and Destinie Orndoff.

Gage (Scott King) wants to make a documentary about Red Eye (Clayton Abbott). Who is this fiend? Back in the Great Depression in the West Virginia mountains, food was scarce and starvation was setting in. So a man ended up killing and eating his family. Gage brings his friends as his crew. We instantly fall in love with Rykyr (Orndorff). She is an outcast and a sultry one at that. A loner who loves horror and desires to be a horror actress. Then there is Ryann (Heather Dorff)...she is also lovely and has a horrid past. Uh oh, she has slept with Rykyr's BF, Jake (Hayden Wilberger) and Rykyr doesn't know. As we see glimpses of who these peeps really are we realize that any one of them may be a psycho.

Into the woods they go and the quartet meet a stranded motorist, Bea (Cameron). She fills in some blanks about the Red Eye legend. Then after helping Bea, the quartet go into the woods and Rykyr may sense her buddy Ryann is sleeping with Jake. Then bang!!! Carnage...gore...blood spurting...necrophiliac rape...an eyeball on a skewer...etc. Yep...Red Eye, and loves to jack-off, preferably to a sultry babe covered in her own blood. But wait! Is Red Eye alone in his homicidal spree? After all, the four friends each possess a past that indicates psychosis and motive. Don't forget about Bea, Jessica Cameron is too good of an actress to limit to one scene. Yep, a surprise or two awaits.

Will any of the above mentioned babes survive the perverted spree of Red Eye? Does this film actually show the deviance mentioned above? Will this be yet another one of my reviews banned by Facebook? In a hybrid of "Wrong Turn" and a "Friday the 13th" film, Mr. Clay and Ms. Orndoff have put together a brutal and vicious story that will turn many off, but fans of this blog will love it. See "Red Eye" and watch the blood(and maybe even Red Eye's man juices) spurt.

Even Lambs Have Teeth, or I Spit on Your Grave 4

Wait...is there an "I Spit on Your Grave 4"? I think they have only done it up to Part 3. Say no more because 2015's "Even Lambs Have Teeth" could very well be that part 4. With a bit more frivolity and a little less ominousness, two young babes endure seedy rape and torture and traipse through rural Washington with axes and weed-whackers in search of justice. I know, we've all been there. As serious as this sounds, this film is done with a certain playfulness that will no doubt offend the perpetually offended.

Sloane and Katie (Kirsten Zien and Tiera Skovbye) plan to work at an organic farm in order to earn enough money to go on a New York City shopping spree. These two beauties are dropped off in the proverbial rural town filled with religious fanatics and rapists. Two suave slime-balls (Jameson Parker and Darren Mann) abduct them, with help from their twisted mother (Gwynyth Walsh). The beauties are stripped to their undies and confined to containers where townsfolk pay to rape them. Yep, even the sheriff is part of this travesty.

Their bondage won't last as Katie makes a move right out of "Underworld," and now the gals are free. They then go on a shopping spree which includes axes, rope, chains, a weed-whacker, and lighter fluid. Having been raped several times, each of the gals elect to stay in rural Washington and kill everyone who had a hand in their abduction/rapes. Looking more like 'Thelma and Louise' than the victims in the "I Spit on Your Grave" films, our duo inflict a very painful brand of justice, that in one case involves a rather painful enema.

Will Sloane and Katie be able to complete their quest to rid Washington State of deviants, or will their luck run out? After surviving the tortuous captivity, how will these two beauties emerge? Is this film a loose metaphor seeking to highlight the increasing tension between Washington's rural culture versus the progressive Seattle culture that seeks to encroach on them? Enjoyable? Yes...but don't say that out loud as the more sophisticated among us won't approve. Enjoy a rape/revenge tale, and see "Even Lambs Have Teeth," directed by Terry Miles.

TheCampusHouse.Com, Babes...Hunks...WebCams...Slasher

Does anyone study in college? Not in the movies that make this blog. This isn't a criticism as the students in these films are very busy. They drink alcoholic beverages, have pre-marital sex, smoke marijuana, and die horribly at the hands of a slasher with a fanaticism for morality. The 80s era slasher films arrived in the new millennium with little to adapt to. College students hadn't changed, especially their penchant for pre-marital sex, but they became computer savvy. No matter, in 2002's TheCampusHouse.com, they will die in the same fashion.

35 years ago a very pretty aspiring artist was impaled in her home by a slasher. The crime was never solved. Present day, that house is re-opened and will be housing for Decatur College hunks and babes. Six lookers will be invited to live there as part of a webcam reality show. Cameras will capture their every trial, scandal, sex-act, and moments of nudity. Brook (Tracy Pacheco) is the beauty we glob on to. She's a beauty and has a bit of a clean-cut personae. Her bestie and roomie Jessica (Amy Hunter) is the prototypical slut and is constantly taking her top off...on camera. The makers of the show are sincere, and the pretty director Caroline (Renee Townes) is eager for her cast to get more risque.

Uh oh...someone else appears to have showed up. At first some of the control room crew get it. Decapitation or impalement are favorite methods of our psycho. Then the students begin to assume room temperature. Brook begins looking better and shows more cleavage and her roomie Jessica continues to take her clothes off. Awww, some of them fall in love and Brook and Ian (Jason Hamer) hook-up...they are so cute.  As the students begin thinking the killer of 35 years ago has returned they begin investigating. This won't go well as they find out nothing and decide to split up...and Jessica continues to take her top off. More will die and as Jessica dons a tight, leather mini-skirt, we are certain her demise is imminent.

Is the killer from 35 years ago back for more carnage? Are Brook and Ian too cutesy to be real, and is one of them our fiend? How about the babe Caroline the director, might she be introducing murder to increase the traffic on her new webcam show? The kills are pretty good and there is a lot of cheesecake and beefcake in this one. For a metaphor of the intellectual carnage facing our brightest kids on over-priced college campuses, enjoy "TheCampusHouse.Com," directed by David J. Gardner.

Literature Review: Mimi by Eric Karell

He's a young genius...so why does he continue down a road of self-ruination? This is a hard question to answer, and perhaps we have all seen this guy in our lives. Unlike the blokes we know, the protagonist in Eric Karell's Mimi may have an excuse which we can't empathize with...his past experiences are anchored decades into the future. Confused? Let us look at an extremely erotic love story, which may be a fantasy novel...which will definitely be a horror story. Either way you take it, you will be engrossed and...turned-on.

A brilliant legal career eventually gives way to a nightmarish jaunt into failure and tragedy. Karl's family not only falls apart but his children die horribly. His wife leaves and Karl is left to assess and go mad. We initially like Karl, he loves 70s exploitation and horror films and is infatuated with a deceased 70's exploitation actress Cynthia Jamison. Karl's tragic voyage connects him to Cynthia's demise decades earlier when drugs and creepy guys led to her demise. Not able to save his own family, Karl is determined to save this long dead goddess...but how?

Enter the occult and supernatural...and Karl finds himself back in 1978...the year Cynthia dies. Yep...he meets the gal of his dreams at an A-List party and the two quickly dive into an erotic and unhealthy relationship. Karl is smart enough to move on...but remember what brought him to 1978. Something deep inside Karl glues him to this ill-fated beauty. Her survival is vital to his redemption for the tragedy that befell his own family. The sex will be glorious and many of us will be saying, "Is that even possible?" Of course most of us aren't banging a cocaine addicted, sleazy men's magazine- model. As with most sexual ecstasy, when not in the confines of marriage, the consequences will be just as dramatic. No spoilers here, but Karl and Cynthia's (nicknamed Mimi) will send you to the showers and eventually have you gasping.

Can anything good result from Karl's mysterious bout with time-travel? Can Cynthia be saved, and if so how will the future be changed? Does 1970s exploitation and its ill-fated queens have a place in the fantasies and imaginations of all of us 50 something guys? Despite the emphasis on erotic fantasy, by the time you reach the final pages, this will be a horror story...you'll see. For a quick, steamy, and vicious look at the consequences of one man's fantasy, read Eric Karell's Mimi. To order this novel on Amazon, click on the link below.
Mimi by Eric Karell

Jigsaw, Saw Blade Fells Babes and Hunks

Even though the premise of this film may not be entirely original, 2002's "Jigsaw" still comes across as quirky and unique. From Charles Band and Full Moon Pictures, we have a terrific slasher film with underwear clad damsels and drunk hunks beset by a most original slasher. Many will be reminded of the 1980s classic "Pieces," but this one has a twist...and a different surprise ending.

Slick Junior College professor, Colin (Barret Walz) assigns his five students a weird project. Each will take a piece of a mannequin (two arms, two legs, and a head) and make it into a unique piece of art. Then they will convene at a bar and reassemble the mannequin exposing the personality traits and desires of the group. Oh yes...shots and beer will be heavily consumed. Val (Mia Zifkin) has a crush on Colin and he tries to get in her pants. When this doesn't work he will try the same to married Louise (Maren Lindow). Oh yes...Tawny (Aimee Bravo)! She is gratuitous and every shot of her is...well..gratuitous. She'll spend much of the film either exotic dancing or clad in alluring undies. Can you guess if she will survive this film?

Okay, the thing is reassembled and as the class gets more drunk they burn it in a bonfire outside the bar. Surprise! The mannequin, Jigsaw (Brain Ellis) comes alive. He has a rotating saw blade as an arm and uses it to disassemble the class. He takes arms...legs...and now needs a head. As the hunks and babes fall, Jigsaw seems to want to assemble his own mannequin using human parts. Tawny will do her dance, beg for pre-marital sex while drunk and then come face to face with Jigsaw...so sad. Val and Eddie (Arthur Simone) seem to fall in love as Professor Colin emerges as a cad. Now Jigsaw looks to complete his mannequin and his saw-arm is just getting started.

Will there be a final girl, and if so does the lead skank, Tawny, have a shot at that role? How about this smooth but perverted Professor Colin...did he know Jigsaw would come to life? Which head will Jigsaw choose, and will it be a hunk's or a babe's? This is a gratuitous one both in gore an in cheesecake, and the underwear laden ending will surely please you guys out there. Enjoy "Jigsaw," directed by Don Adams and Harry James Picardi.