Day of the Animals, When Animals Attack

Poor Susan Blacklinie.  She is always being put on the buffet for the animal kingdom.  In "Jaws," she portrayed Chrissie.  You remember Chrissie, the skinny-dipper who was eaten by the great white at the start of the film.  Two years later, her fate was even more gruesome.  In 1977's "Day of the Animals" she is mauled by wolves, picked apart by vultures, and then thrown of a cliff by those same birds.  The pretty blonde also served as Linda Day George's stunt double in that same film.

The tasty Susan Blacklinie

Ahhh, where would a decade be without it's version of what will end the planet?  Nuclear bombs kept people on edge in the 1950s, Communism in the 1960s, and today...global warming has us ready to relocate to Mars.  But in the 1970s...come on now, any guesses?  Mercury in our Tuna and aerosol sprays were gonna melt our cells and destroy the ozone layer.  In "Day of the Animals," we are warned in a prologue that what we are about to see could happen if we keep using underarm antiperspirant.  Unfortunately for some hikers, led by the hunk Steve (Christopher George), they will see these effects first hand.  The increased radiation makes all the animals up in the California mountains attack.  Mandy (Blacklinie) will be the first to go.

Leslie Nielsen and Michael Ansara

As Steve and his Indian (the 1970s term for Native American) Daniel (Michael Ansara) try to keep the hikers from panicking, a loose cannon ad-executive, Paul (Leslie Nielsen) goes as mad as the pursuing critters.  Paul will turn into a homicidal rapist, as the snakes, tarantulas, birds, mountain lions, and wolves pursue.  A cute side story occurs as Steve falls in love with his real life wife Linda Day George, who plays Terry.  Uh oh, as our campers desperately try to make it back down the mountain to town, they are unaware that the animals have already eaten most of the citizens.  With Steve's group dwindling, and the army on it's way, can our surviving hikers hold out?

Susan Day and Christopher George with Cujo

What begins as a harmless made-for-TV looking PG flick, quickly turns into a gory and dark horror film.  Some of the kills are horrifying and uncomfortable to watch.  Will man emerge still atop the food chain?  Will Mr. and Mrs. George think twice about a family pet?  This film was decades ahead of the hit reality show "When Animals Attack," but the makers of that show clearly had this film in mind.

Up From the Depths, Sea Monster vs. Swimsuit Shoot

Set in Hawaii and shot in the Philippines, 1979's "Up From the Depths" is one of a billion "Jaws" rip-offs.  IMDB bills this one as a horror/comedy, however I don't think comedy was a goal of the film makers.  Directed by Charles B. Griffith, the overly stereotyped characters may indicate a comedy, but in fairness, perhaps the stereotypes are fair.  For example...is it inaccurate to assume that ditzy swimsuit models are shallow and have inflated egos?  With lots of nudity, gore, and a cool looking sea creature, this film is worth a watch.

As the opening credits roll, our star, Sam Bottoms, has his name flashed on the screen over three bottoms of pulsating hula dancers.  A nice start.  Sandy (Dorothy Burham), a buxom, bikini clad diver, is then chewed up by a monster fish.  Her limited remains, and the remains of a shark wash up on the beaches of the Tropical Palace.  Forbes (Kedric Wolfe) wants to keep this all quiet as he must think of the resort's bottom (there's that word again) line.  The beautiful and nubile Rachel (Susanne Reed), is Forbes' assistant, and she believes the authorities should be contacted.  Because Rachel is not with the program, she can't see that the carnage may have been a boating accident.  As the media converge on the resort, a swimsuit model, Iris Lee (Denise Hayes) arrives.  Iris loves nudity, skinny-dipping, and is an airhead.

As our monster begins dining on more beach-goers, Greg (Bottoms) and his uncle Earl (Virgil Frye) see the horror first hand.  Now Greg and Rachel team up to figure out how to fight the fiend and do it behind Forbes' back.  In one heartbreaking scene, the nude Iris Lee is eaten in front of her cameramen, and hardly anyone sheds a tear.  Unable to hide the monster from the press, Forbes is struck with a brilliant idea.  Tropical Resort will conduct a contest...$1,000 to the guest who kills the fish.  As the guests grab spears, SCUBA equipment, flame throwers (yes!), guns, and other explosive toys, Greg and Rachel team up with a scientist who would like to capture the thing alive.

Will pics of Iris' final photo-shoot grace the pages of a major sports magazine?  Will the fiend be taken alive, or will our scientist be added to it's buffet?  Is our big monster fish a mere metaphor for the plight of the proletariat which will rise up against the one per centers, symbolized by the guests at this luxury resort?  The ending is phenomenal and loud.  You may have seen "Jaws" a hundred times, but do catch this Asian rip-off.  "Up From the Depths" is available on YouTube.

War Goddess, Lesbian Babes vs. The Greeks

Now for some serious sexploitation! 1973's "War Goddess" (aka "The Amazons'") is the story of the great Amazon nation.  Made up wholly of beautiful babe warriors with no need for men.  Biting commentary of the virtues of a feminine society, free of corruption by males?  yeah, yeah...but also some great 1970s sexploitation featuring statuesque babes rubbing sacred oil all over their nude bodies and engaging in cat-fights and passionate lesbian love making.

After a grueling athletic competition, Antiope (Alena Johnston) is appointed new queen of the Amazons'. She won the crown by defeating her arch rival, Orytheia (Sabine Sun) in a nude wrestling match after they rubbed sacred oil over their naked bodies.  No wonder the Rio Olympics were a ratings failure. Not happy at the outcome, Orytheia does anything she can to undermine Antiope's rule, including stealing her lesbian lover.  These two will engage in more nude cat-fights and even a passionate love scene.  Uh oh....the Greeks are coming!  Once a year, the Amazons' pay them to mate and plant seeds...in their wombs.

The Greeks love this chore, and the Amazons detest it....officially that is. Theseus (Angelo Infanti) plants his in Antiope....and much to her chagrin....Antiope likes it.  As the Greeks and Amazons' share mistrust, Antiope becomes infatuated with Theseus.  Orytheia uses Antiope's newfound distraction as a tool to unseat her from the throne.  These two beauties will demonstrate their love-hate relationship in a steamy scene which includes no clothes and the application of sacred oil. Gratuitous lesbian love scenes, gratuitous heterosexual love scenes, some epic war scenes, and political intrigue will bring this film to a violent and passionate conclusion where lots of babes will meet their demise.

Directed by Terence Young, this Italian epic will please the male chauvinists among us, and leave the feminists a bit perturbed.  If re-made in 2016, the ending would be totally different, no doubt, and CGI would replace a cast of thousands.  Available on YouTube, enjoy "War Goddess."

Xtro, Vicious Alien Rapes Euro-Babes

"We want you to portray a Euro-skank who gets raped by a little kid and births alien eggs."  The lovely and very classy Bond-girl Maryam d'Abo (The Living Daylights) had to begin her acting career somewhere.  1982's "Xtro" was just such a film.  Yet the plight of her very unfortunate character sums up this cult horror favorite.  When she heard that above line from director Harry Bromley Davenport, one wonders if she smiled and was aroused...or was she disgusted but figured she needed a paycheck to pay the rent?

Sam's rebirth

Sam (Philip Sayer) is abducted by aliens while playing with his young son, Tony (Simon Nash).  Tony's mom Rachel (Bernice Stegers) doesn't believe Tony and assumes Sam has just run off.  Three years later, Rachel has moved to London with her son and moves in with a younger guy, Joe (Danny Brainin).  Also living with them is Analise (d'Abo), a very frisky nanny who likes to have pre-marital sex.  Uh oh...Sam returns with no memory of the past three years.  What a return it is. A sultry babe is raped by a monster and minutes later gives birth to Sam.  After birth, Sam returns to Rachel.  At first he and Rachel appear to be falling back in love, much to Joe's consternation.  But is this Sam?  He begins exhibiting weird behavior and it becomes apparent he is actually an alien looking to reclaim his son...and much more.

Back to Earth

Sam, or whatever Sam is now, has a plan which involves his son Tony and Analise's womb.  As Analise continues to have pre-marital sex, the viewer realizes her fate will be one worse than death.  Joe and Rachel remain ignorant to what Sam has become, but Tony is given some very alien powers, including the ability to make each one of his toys a homicidal weapon.  As Tony's toys inflict much carnage, the boy has a surprise for the nubile Analise.  What happens to Analise will be one of the most memorable scenes from 1980s horror.  What are Sam's goals?  Will Tony also become a monster?  Is Analise's fate the best argument against pre-marital sex?

Analise and cocoon

Playful and quirky, "Xtro" is also total horror.  As the final credits roll, viewers will be in shock at what just unfolded.  One wonders if Ms. d'Abo was ever told that her role in "Xtro" would be a stepping stone to becoming a Bond-girl.  Made in England, "Xtro" probably crossed many lines into the taboo, but that is what hardcore horror fans prefer.

Blue Monkey, Monster vs. Hospital

Okay, it ain't blue, and it ain't a monkey.  Take heart, because it is infinitely creepier than a smurf/simian.  So why call this 1987 film "Blue Monkey"?  Don't ask.  What is important is that we have a giant bug thing, beautiful damsels in much peril, a grouchy cop trying to save the damsels, an abandoned insane asylum, and a big laser gun.  Okay...a bit choppy perhaps, but these ingredients are mixed to produce an effective horror work containing some images that will stay with you.

An elderly man is brought to a small, run down hospital with plague like symptoms.  Also arriving at this hospital is Detective Bishop (Steve Railsback), accompanying his partner who has just been shot.  The beautiful Dr. Glass (Susan Anspach) treats the sick man and soon finds several patients manifesting the plague symptoms.  Uh oh, a worm like creature comes out of the man's mouth and the fun begins.  Det. Bishop falls in love with the lovely Dr. Carson (Gwynyth Walsh).  Oh yeah, how many run down hospitals do you know that are equipped with miles of underground tunnels and a laser capable of blowing Neptune out of the night sky (no doubt a bi-product of the Reagan Administration's SDI spending)?  This is such a hospital.

Remember that little worm?  It is accidentally fed and grows into a giant ant-like creature.  Our monster abducts the lovely lab technician Alice (Cynthia Belliveau) and her guy as they engage in pre-marital sex.  Their fate?  You'll see, but it is one worse than death.  As the thing continues to grow, it readies itself to lay thousands of eggs.  Dr. Carson and Det. Bishop try to hunt it down and come up with a strategy to kill it.  The beautiful Dr. Glass is charged with studying this new plague and finding a cure.  Oh yes, the military has instituted a Code 4 Quarantine for the hospital and will nuke it in two hours.

Will our good, but grouchy, detective and the two lovely doctors end this horror in time to save County Memorial from being blown to ashes?  What does the monster have planned for that sultry lab tech and her beau?  How about this laser?  Can it destroy anything besides planets and death-stars?  Very slimy and unsettling, "Blue Monkey" is a terrific monster movie from the 1980s.  If bugs give you the heebie-jeebies...well...watch this one with a big can of Raid. One last note: It is unclear if President Obama's Affordable Care Act would have prevented County Memorial Hospital from having a super-laser in their budget.

Castle of the Creeping Flesh, Drunks, Nymphomaniacs, and the Dead

From 1968 West Germany comes "Castle of the Creeping Flesh." A weird tale with lots of nudity and gore, most of the gratuitous kind.  A tale of a bloody family curse that drives a loving father mad with an obsession to bring his beautiful dead daughter back to life.  Yeah, this always works out well.  Throw in a fierce bear, a Gothic castle, some young lovelies bent on finding pre-marital sex, and a mad scientist.  Directed by Adrian Hoven, this is a heart warming tale... wait, what I meant to say is the heart is still warm when it is dug out of one of the aforementioned lovelies.

The Earl of Saxon (Howard Vernon) is a peculiar sort.  He lives in a remote castle deep in the German woods.  He is enduring a family curse.  This curse has a lot of moving parts, but in a nut shell, here it is: The Earl's pretty daughter will be raped and murdered as his evil mistress watches on in orgasmic glee.  Hence the Earl's daughter's corpse is laying in the castle laboratory.  Our sad nobleman is determined to bring her back to life but needs more human organs.  On cue, six misbehaving, but great looking, young people arrive after getting lost in the woods.  They are Vera (Janine Raynaud), her sister Elena (Elvira Berndorff), Marian (Claudia Butenuth), the evil Baron Brack (Michael Lemoine) and the fiances of Elena and Marian (studs of no consequence).

Once in the castle, Vera does a great job at having pre-marital sex with the fiances of her sister and friend.  Oh yes, the Earl realizes that Marian is a spitting image of his daughter.  The guests are let in on the family curse and are shown a wax display of the rape, complete with sound effects (a welcomed adornment to anyone's home).  As the Earl abducts Marian from her bed chamber, Vera has lots of passionate pre-marital sex, and the Baron wrestles with a hungry bear.  Do Marian and her amorous friends have any chance of survival?  Will the Earl's daughter return to life with Marian's organs?

Janine Raynaud steals the show with her beauty and love scenes.  Warning, the surgical scenes are graphic and numerous (this is unfortunate for the lovely Marian).  Weird, quirky, and atmospheric, "Castle of the Creeping Flesh" is a nice catch for discriminating horror fans.  Erotic and gory, fans of this blog will want to find it.  This film is sometimes available on YouTube.

Day of the Dead, The Army vs. Zombies

In 1985 George Romero's "Day of the Dead" hit the silver screen.  Initially, this horror flick was a failure.  Fans of Romero's "Dawn of the Dead" (1979) were cool to this next installment in the great director's zombie series.  Where "Dawn" drove home social commentary with wit and humor, "Day" tried to drive it home with a hammer.  But wait!  As the decades unfolded, horror fans warmed to the 1985 film, and it is safe to say "Day of the Dead" has aged well.  Even Zack Snyder's remake of 1978's "Dawn" became a bigger box office hit than it's 1978 predecessor.  Forget all that, today we take a peek at 2008's "Day of the Dead," which Romero had nothing to do with.

Directed by Steve Miner of "Friday the 13th" fame, our film today is not a sequel or even an installment in Romero's creation.  True, we have the army and scientists and zombies.  Similarities end there, however.  In this one, the science community is the bad guys and the heroes are the army peeps.  As the film begins a small Colorado town is quarantined by the army.  Residents are battling a flu like outbreak.  Soon the flu outbreak is a zombie outbreak.  As fast-moving dead eat most of the army, Corporal Sarah Bowman (Mena Suvari) leads a few of her troops through the heart of the outbreak.  Sarah has a heart and saves her brother Trevor (Michael Welch) and his hot gal, Nina (AnnaLynne McCord).  Nina is worth saving, as she has a streak of Alice (from "Resident Evil") in her.

Very sad, Sarah's CO, Captain Rhodes (Ving Rhames) comes up a bit short...literally.  Poor Rhodes, we will see him pull off his eyeball and eat it.  The pretty Sarah will also find an unlikely ally...a military zombie (Stark Sands) with a crush on her.  The gore is piled pretty deep, and our ever decreasing band of survivors will find an apparent safe zone...an underground military lab.  Their feelings of safety will quickly vanish as they realize they are in the core of what was Project Wildfire.  What is Project Wildfire?  Come on, you can guess that one.  Special kudos to one of this blogs favorite actresses, Christa Campbell, who plays a local housewife coming to terms with her increasingly zombified family.

Filmed in Bulgaria (kinda like Colorado without the glitter), "Day of the Dead" may seem like heresy to Romero enthusiasts.  However, standing on it's own merits, this one is a lot of fun, not preachy, and filled with over-the-top gore.  The acting here is better than 1985's "Day" and Mr. Miner succeeds in delivering a film that is 90 minutes of fun and scares.  Available on YouTube and occasionally on Syfy, treat yourself to this fantastic gore-fest.