Megaconda, Big Snake Eats Colorado

A snake a mile long? No, not some gratuitous porno movie, but a Syfy Channel type film that can boast of a great cast. Hey, say what you want about the merits of this film but it is better than anything Harrison Ford has done in the past 30 years...or Kevin Costner for that matter. Okay, Michelle Bauer is in this film even though her character is largely irrelevant...but she is Michelle Bauer so we are glad to see her and her .357 Magnum. Hence 2010's "Megaconda."

An evil construction company, headed by Parker (Greg Evigan) is blasting a Colorado park to turn it into a strip mall. An underground cavern is opened and an anaconda a mile longer slithers out. It eats a construction worker. Jake (Dylan Vox) reports the schmuck missing to Sheriff Wayne (Ted Monte). He is low energy and looks to have overdosed on Ambien.  Meanwhile, Hoke (Michael Gaglio), a poacher, tells the sheriff his partner is missing...he should've told the sheriff "WAKE UP!!!!!" Okay, the sheriff's son Ross (Christopher Yokum) and his sultry GF Wendy (Jessica Irvine Drake) go up to the construction site to film the rape of the land. They are news reporter wannabes. Their amateur hour will just get the real news crew eaten...goodbye Channel 6.

Enter Anna (Bauer)...she has a big gun and big...well, never mind. She is a wildlife artist and joins Wendy and Ross. The snake chases them. Oh yeah, Tina (Brianna Lee Johnson) is Parker's two-timing wife and loves extra-marital sex with Jake...can you guess her fate? Okay, after a nubile almost-victim shows up at the sheriff's station, interrupting the sheriff's nap, our sleepy protagonist grabs some dynamite and heads to the construction site where he will join his son, Wendy, Anna, and Hoke. This less than intimidating posse will wage war on the mile long snake (no dirty jokes here) and we all hope the snake wins...as long as it spares Michelle Bauer.

If the snake eats the sheriff, will anyone in town notice he's gone? Does Tina and her sundress and high heels have any shot at surviving this movie?  Is a mile long snake merely a provocative metaphor for a state (Colorado) that has legalized marijuana? This one is fun and like I said, it is always good to see Michelle Bauer battling a really big snake. For a film far superior than any of The Avengers garbage, see "Megaconda," directed by Christopher Olen Ray.