Monster Grizzly, Fangs, Claws, and Pre-Marital Sex

Remember the 80s?  Yes!  That decade seemed to have everything we wanted in horror films.  That is, except for one thing.  A steamy sex scene between Maria Conchita Alonso and Wilford Brimley.  If there were any two we ever wanted to see matched up in a steamy shower or sweaty bed, it was these two.  Okay, neither of these two are in our film today but we do have reasonable facsimiles of them.  Add in a babe cop (a plot device ruined by Sharon Gless and Tyne Daly) and we have a nice monster film. Today we look at 2023's "Monster Grizzly," directed by Richard Douglas Jensen.

It is supposed to be hibernating but a monster grizzly is rampaging through a mountain community during a blizzard. Wilford Brimley...I mean Sheriff Tom (Jensen) mobilizes his two deputies, the sultry Flower (Saporah Bonnette) and the hunk Stony (Michael V. Jordan).  Yes, Stony and Flower will engage in pre-marital sex. The killings continue and Tom calls in an expert from the university...Maria Conchita Alonso...wait, no...Giuliana (Vanessa Tamayo). She is an expert on apex predators and desires one.  She really desires one and tells Wilford...I mean Tom that he is one.  That's all he needs to hear and the two of them are engaging in pre-marital sex.  Apparently, Giuliana believes men have been feminized and are weak and wussy.  Tom is different...he's a real man and she will go to great lengths to seduce him.

I know...the bear!  It keeps killing.  Giuliana is trying to figure out why it is not hibernating or eating its kills.  Flower is trying to explain to her people on the reservation that all Indian men are dunks or drug abusers and she wants a white man.  The cute cop will get really mad when the bear shreds her aunt.  Now its personal.  More killings and more anthems about the decline of masculinity in America.  Giuliana does have some good points.  Eventually she will use her Mensa IQ to figure out the deal with this bear.  She'll even role play the bear in steamy sex with Wilford Brimley...I mean Tom.

Will the sex-starved Flower and Giuliana become sexual apex predators and give us a good catfight?  Is there any truth to the rumor that Maria Conchita Alonso and Wilford Brimley were originally cast in "9 1/2 Weeks" instead of Mickey Rourke and Kim Basinger? Is someone ever going to track this bear down and kill it?  Passion and gore abound.  Flower and Giuliana are oozing with sexual tension.  The bear is oozing homicide.  For a neat monster film and the magnum opus of Richard Douglas Jensen, see "Monster Grizzly."

Chatterbox, Annoying Slasher and Annoying Victims

Slasher films, in the words of Bram Stoker, are like pizza...hot and juicy or cold and soggy...all good. Okay, Bram Stoker didn't say exactly that. Today we have a cold and soggy one.  Or, that is until it gets revved up.  We'll meet a bunch of young adults and detest all of them.  Then we'll meet the slasher and he'll annoy, as opposed to horrify us.  Through it all, we'll see a complete movie and by the end love it.  Why?  Who knows, maybe sometimes cold pizza is the alternative to crab bisque.  Both cold...but one speaks to us.  Today we look at 2022's "Chatterbox," a slasher film from the U.K directed by Ben Patterson.

We meet six annoying friends.  Summer (Gemma Harlow Dean) will spend most of the film calling her buds lazy, drunk, and spoilt rich kids.  On Summer's part, her work ethic can only be seen with a microscope.  She makes a bad investment and buys an old cavernous house in the country to fix up and flip for a profit.  She brings her five mates with her to do the demo and redo...should've brought Chip Gaines. A lot of work to do...Heaven forbid they actually break a sweat.  The mates will drink a lot.  Lee (Colin Jones) loses interest fast when he hears that two years ago a psycho butchered his family there.  Then when Lee is told that psycho just escaped from a mental asylum, he walks out on his friends. He'll be butchered before he gets to the road.  Now the five friends continue without him...and drink more.

Summer has a BF, or we think he's a boyfriend.  Eddie (Luke McArthur) shows no affection for the grouchy and lazy Summer. Jenny (Maria Hiscock) is sad because Lee left and demands everyone look for him.  Doing this will get a lot of them killed...yay! Beth (Shaniece Williams) will die while...get this...taking a nap! It is here the movie gets really good.  Our killer is in the house and wears a mask with a chatterbox mouth...very annoying.  Stay tuned to the end and find out the significance about this.  A lot of gory kills will occur.  Summer will continue to put down her friends...and in a different way, so will the killer. But wait!  I gotta give this one credit.  The ending is fantastic!  You'll see.

Did the makers of this film originally get rejected by HGTV and then decide to turn their pilot episode into a horror film?  Will Beth ever stop yelling at her friends?   Will any of the six mates think of changing the backslash behind the kitchen sink?  A slasher film for the likes of Chip and Joanna Gaines, and eventually even you will love it.  See "Chatterbox," and then stucco your ceiling.   

 

Curucu, Beast of the Amazon, Sweaty Babe in Peril in the Jungle

She's a babe.  Beverly Garland! One of the greatest horror film actresses ever.  She plied her trade before the term "Scream Queen" was invented.  Two years after "Creature from the Black Lagoon," a rip-off was made.  No Julie Adams in a white swimsuit in this one.  To take her place...Beverly Garland in white jungle attire!  The nubile lass would sweat a lot and even have a scene in which she is carried away by a fiendish jungle/river creature.  Today we look at 1956's "Curucu, Beast of the Amazon," directed by Curt Siodmak.  Unlike "Creature," this film was indeed shot entirely in the Amazon.

She's a hot doctor.  Empowered in a man's world.  She thinks she will save the world and cure cancer.  Poppycock!  She's a dame!  When a brute named Rock (John Bromfield) grabs her, against her will, pulls her in and plants a wet and passionate kiss on her ruby red lips...well, she's tamed.  Alas, Dr. Andrea Grant (Garland) is conquered.  Yes!  Now, this is a man's movie! Of more serious concern to Rock and Andrea is a weird monster that crawls out of the Amazon River and shreds Indian workers.  Now all the workers are horrified off the plantations and flee back into the jungle to avoid the river monster.

Rock is asked by the plantation owners to travel up the Amazon and kill the fiend.  Andrea wants to go with him because she believe headhunting tribes have the cure for cancer.  Silly, I know, but she is a babe so we'll give her what she wants...including being pawed, sexually harassed, and kissed at will by the brute, Rock.  Tarantulas, snakes, piranha, wild cats, and headhunters will menace the duo.  The headhunters will fall for Andrea before they abduct her.  Like any woman who thinks she's empowered, she will need a man to save her...enter Rock!  As the duo get closer to the mystery of this clawed river creature, the natives get more perilous.  Now the formerly friendly headhunters desire to shrink the heads of Rock of Andrea. 

In addition to planting a hard wet one on the nubile Andrea, what else will the sweaty Rock do to the sweaty and wanting Andrea in the hot jungle?  Do the headhunters really have the secret to curing cancer?  Will the blonde and sweaty Andrea change the minds of the headhunters about eating her?  This is a good one.  Beverly Garland is hot, literally and figuratively.  Why don't men kiss women like Rock kisses Andrea anymore?  Sexual harassment aside, today's men could learn a lot from this film... and today's women are just waiting for men to learn these lessons.  For a sweaty good time, see "Curucu, Beast of the Amazon."  

The Employer, Stilettos and Strangulation in Corporate America

Anything with Malcolm McDowell is a worthwhile watch.  Something about him and his performances are just so right.  Today's film has him as a CEO of a gigantic great white shark of a venture capital firm. His company buys other companies, strips their assets, and sends them to the ash heap. With the corruption of the Department of Justice's Antitrust Division, Malcolm McDowell's character and corporation is quite a realistic portrayal of what America's government is breeding and rewarding.  Today we look at 2012's "The Employer," directed by Frank Merle.

The Employer (McDowell) interviews five young sharks...all willing to do anything required for the corporation.  All do well in the first interview stage proving they're ruthless.  All claim there is nothing they would not do for the corporation...nothing! James (David Dastmalchian) appears to be a good soul and does not really fit in with those he's competing against.  Sandra (Paige Howard) is a babe who seems like a good sort...but just wait.  Keith (Michael DeLorenzo) is a devious and unlikable New Yorker type.  Mike (Matthew Willig) is a work-out freak with a temper.  Then there is Billie (Katerina Kopel), a slut in a tight black party dress and stilettos.  We like Billie the best...but only because she looks great in stilettos.

Okay, all five are kidnapped and deposited into a bank vault type room.  They are told by the Employer that the one who survives will be hired.  Only after four have been killed in the room will the vault door be opened.  Now the task at hand...start killing and get a job.  The five, hesitantly, make a pact with themselves not to kill.  This lasts a few minutes.  The weapons have been taken away from our candidates before being put into the room...but one may be amazed what can be used for a weapon.  Blood will spurt and surprises abound,   There is a vacancy for an analyst position to be had...is there anything worth more?

Will there be a lone survivor?  Does the Employer really intend to live up to his part of the bargain? Will Billie's stilettos come in to play in the carnage?  As we see Amazon, Apple, Microsoft, and the corporate media do business above the law with full protection from a corrupt government, "The Employer" becomes a perfect metaphor for what America has become.  Capitalism is dead and replaced by a fascist like perversion between corporate America and government.  See "The Employer" and get a better understanding on how the Fortune 500 is run. 

Row 19, Planes, Witches, and Crashes

I love films from Russia.  In Russia, stewardesses are still dolls!  Non-unionized, the lovelies strut down the aisle. In America they waddle down the aisle. More importantly, we have a neat horror film set on a commercial airline in Russia.  Airplane horror is so good because what happens in these movies is a fear we all have before stepping onto one.  Depressurization, crashing, fire, engine failure, running out of coffee give us all nightmares when we anticipate our next flight.  Fortunately in a Russian made film we won't have to worry about stewardesses who are big-boned and retaining water.  Today we look at "Row 19," directed by Alexander Babaev. 

First off, kudos to two babe actresses, Anna Glaube and Victoria Korlyakova.  They portray our babe stewardesses.  Though their fates might be difficult to watch, they are babes and dress very smartly in their stewardess uniforms. Okay, back to the horror. 20 years ago, as a seven year old, Katerina (Svetlana Ivanova) is the lone survivor of an airplane crash.  Even her mom dies. Now two decades later, Katerina has grown up and become a psychologist helping her patients cope with fear.  Uh oh...Katerina has not really mastered controlling hers...but will get practice real soon.  See, she books a flight to go visit her grandfather and will take along her seven year old daughter, Diana (Marta Kessler).  See where we are going.

On a snowy night the plane takes off.  Katerina meets handsome Alexey (Wolfgang Cerny). He's a hunk with his own issues.  A former war correspondent, this hunk is also suppressing fear.  Even weirder is an artist (Alexander Gross) who keeps sketching the other passengers. A cranky man who keeps drinking and an elderly couple are the only others on board.  The two babe stewardesses are acting strange and seem to be guarding a secret.  Death and destruction arrive.  Fire! Decompression! Death! Turbulence!  Even worse, as a little girl Katerina saw a witch on the ill-fated flight.  Now, that same witch seems to be onboard the plane.  What happens next will get into spoilers but much of it will be difficult to watch.

Will Katerina endure another airplane crash?  What is with this witch, is she there to reclaim Katerina, "Final Destination" style?  Will our stewardesses remain sultry even after all the horror?  If you liked "Flight 7500," this film has similar vibes.  For a good supernatural shocker, see "Row 19," and fear not...no one in this film will run out of coffee.

 

The Demon, Pre-School Teacher in Peril

Wow!  The ending to this one was sensational.  Nakedness, gore, screaming...and spurting blood.  More movies should end this way. When its all over one may wonder if they saw a slasher film or a supernatural horror film.  Even though Cameron Mitchell is in this thing, Jennifer Holmes, in her often naked performance, gets top billing.  This has the feel of a Giallo film from Italy.  Perhaps that is because a lot of naked babes are in great peril.  Made in South Africa, this one can boast of nubile babes and gore.  Today we look at 1979's "The Demon," directed by Percival Rubens. 

As our film begins a mysterious being (Graham Kennard) sneaks into a home and nearly murders a mom (Moira Winslow) and absconds with a horrified daughter (Ashleigh Sendin).  The distraught parents call in a psychic ...retired U.S. Marine, Col. Bill Carson (Mitchell).  Just like General Milley, Carson is completely useless. In fact, just like General Milley, he makes things worse.  Does he help find the daughter?  Did General Milley ever win a war? Let's forget about the marine psychic and move over to some dames.  The fiend is on a murderous rampage and now turns his attention to the nubile blonde pre-school teacher, Mary (Holmes).  Mary lives in a big house with her cousin, another pre-school teacher, Jo (Zoli Marki).  Now the killer stalks them.

Both babes will get naked and have pre-marital sex with their totally useless boyfriends. Then take baths. The killer gets closer and begins stalking their house.  The gals are walking on clouds because of pre-marital sex with useless men.  This causes more baths and nakedness.  Now the killer has decided it is time. For what?  It won't be pretty.  Remember Col. Carson?  Don't even waste your time.  We pull for Jo and Mary because they are babes. Their taste in men seems to be their only fault.  The killer is relentless and what he has planned for the babes may be satanic.  You'll see.

If General Milley goes into business as a psychic after he retires...DO NOT HIRE HIM!  Will Jo and Mary survive the wrath of a very evil stalker?  What happened to the abducted daughter at the beginning of the film?  Exactly who or what is this killer?  This is a film big on surprises and gratuitous nudity and killing.  The two nubile pre-school teachers are portrayed by sultry actresses.  For something a little different with a Giallo flavor, see "The Demon."    

The Rain Killer, Psycho Guts Wealthy Women

Today we have a Neo-Noir erotic thriller!  Set in Los Angeles during a period of very rainy nights.  A downtrodden homicide detective hitting the bottle.  Dangerous femmes.  Plenty of suspects. Alas, some attractive, well-dressed dames dying horribly at the hands of a psycho killer.  Even the score is right out of those old Film Noir private eye films.  Our feature today is 1990's "The Rain Killer," directed by Ken Stein.

Poor Elizabeth (Kathleen Klein)!  An emancipated women of the post-women's lib era.  Successful and on her own, a psycho killer guts her on an Amtrak train.  Even worse...she was a witness in an FBI case.  This brings Special Agent Dalton (David Beecroft) to the LAPD to help the bumbling and drunk homicide detective, Vince Capra (Ray Sharkey) solve the case.  A serial killer has struck before, many times...same M.O.  Always a very rainy night.  Leaves no clues or witnesses.  Capra hates the prim and proper FBI guy but is forced to work with him. The two begin finding clues and connections between the babes.  Each victim was a former user currently in a support group called "The Sewing Club." This support group is for wealthy women...and just happens to be run by Dalton's soon to be ex-wife, the sexy Adele (Tania Coleridge).

Adele hates Dalton.  Capra and Dalton go to interview Adele about her support group.  Capra and Adele hit it off and soon will engage in plenty of steamy and deviant sex.  This makes Dalton mad.  Uh oh...the killer keeps striking.  Then, after a sleazy stripper (Maria Ford) is killed, the cops think they have their man. Rosewell (Woody Brown) seems to be the guy...his wife is in the support group and he is arrested. The cops have to let him go and Capra does not believe he is the killer. Adele and Capra will continue to get naked and naughty together.  More babes will be gutted.  Dalton will continue to look good in ties and cufflinks.  Where is this all going?  You might guess it halfway through but Adele's sex with Capra will be steamy and keep your interest.

Is there any chance Adele is the killer?  Is Rosewell really the killer or is that too easy?  Because Adele is in euphoria in her sex with Capra, does Dalton have to kill him?  Steamy, vicious, and a pretty good mystery, "The Rain Killer" will keep you guessing while exciting you in a prurient way.  See "The Rain Killer" and plunge your movie taste into deviance and murder.