Pale Blood, Vampires and the Babes They Bite

Vampires are not always the antagonists...just ask the nubile babes they bite.  It helps when they are handsome and European (classy).  Bloodsuckers they may be but most are willing to satisfy nubile babes more than the hunk boyfriends could ever do.  Still, their "lives" are sad and those nubile blood donors never fare well.  Today we look at 1990's "Pale Blood," directed by Dachin Hsu.

Vampire Michael (George Chakiris) arrives in L.A. from central Europe, complete with a portable coffin. He has hired a babe private-eye, Lori (Pamela Ludwig).  Lori was hired to track down a killer who bites the necks of nubile babes and drinks their blood.  Another vampire? Also hunting the bloodsucking killer is erotic film maker, Van (Wings Hauser).  Lori is a believer in vampires and Michael pretends he is a skeptic.  Uh oh...Michael needs to feed so he does the L.A. club scene.  There he finds Jenny (Diana Frank).  She is entranced by the suave vampire and brings him home where he bites her...but doesn't kill her.

What a coincidence, Jenny is one of Van's erotic actresses.  Now Van meets Michael and is very suspicious.  Van has set up a plan to capture a vampire which includes a garlic laced dungeon.  Uh oh again, Michael is falling for Lori.  This may be dangerous as Lori also has some secrets.  As neither Lori or Michael make progress in their investigation, Van does.  Now Van has a plan that will endanger Jenny and Michael.  More L.A. babes will be drained of their lifeforce and Lori makes a play for her new European friend.  But if Michael isn't the killer...well...who is?

Does the nubile party gal, Jenny, have a shot at surviving this film?  What is Lori's secret and why isn't she able to develop clues to the homicidal vampire's identity?  Will there be an opportunity to see Van's erotic films?  The twists in this one are pretty good.  The ending is both horrific and comedic and may answer some questions not originally asked.  For a neat VHS goodie, see "Pale Blood." 

Zombie 5: Killing Birds, Italian Horror in Louisiana

College hunks and nubile coeds.  Throw in some birds hungry for human eyes, some zombies, and an incredibly gory industrial accident and we have 1987's "Zombie 5: Killing Birds," directed by Claudio Lattanzi.  Oh yeah, I know what you're asking...do you have to have seen the first four 'Zombie' films to understand this one?  Don't even ask that question...no 'Zombie' film has anything thing to do with any other zombie film. Just sit back and enjoy the gore and dubbing.

Fred Brown comes home to Louisiana after the war and commits a bloody quadruple homicide.  Many years later, Fred (Robert Vaughn) is the world's most renowned ornithologist...he should be, his eyes were eaten by moralistic birds.  Good news for Steve (Timothy W. Watts) his college has approved his senior thesis and he gathers a group together to wander into the swamps and look for some woodpecker. Also going with him is his ex-girlfriend Anne (Lara Wendel) and a bunch of hunks and babes.  Ann is going to cover the expedition for the school paper...I'm sure those frat boys and sorority babes are eager to read all about this woodpecker.

The expedition meets up with Fred...the cranky and blind ornithologist.  He directs them into the swamps where they find an abandoned house.  Little do they know, the house was the sight of Fred's quadruple homicide.  Now Steve starts seeing ghostly images of dead people.  Paul (Jason Villemaire) and Mary (Leslie Cumming) will be useless and have pre-marital sex.  Anne and Steve will bicker.  Then the zombies come and they seem to be driven by the birds.  Poor Jennifer (Lin Gathright)...her beautiful head will be smashed by the zombie horde. Now the zombies are attacking and they love pulling heads off.  As the ornithological expedition gets smaller, the collegians are on the run.  Then they board themselves up in the cursed house.  The beautiful and handsome will die horribly as Steve begins to understand a horrible secret.

What happened to Robert Vaughn after "Man from U.N.C.L.E." that caused him to seize the role as a cantankerous and homicidal ornithologist? Not that we're complaining.  Does the fact that this film is an Italian production spell doom for the nubile coeds?  Are woodpeckers a thinly veiled metaphor for the carnal misdeeds of hunks and nubile college kids?  Gory and creepy, "Zombie 5: Killing Birds" is a perfect film for lovers of schlock Italian horror.

Assignment Terror, Monster Mania and Euro-Babes

This film is commonly called "Frankenstein vs. Dracula," but more accurately should be called "Frankenstein vs .Dracula vs. The Mummy vs. The Wolf Man.  Throw in some go-go booted Euro-babes and some mad scientists, old castle laboratories and aliens and we have a masterpiece.  Oh yes, this horror film is from Spain and the werewolf is played by Paul Naschy...need I say more?  Directed by Tulio Demicheli, 1970's "Assignment Terror" is our feature for today.

An alien world is dying and they send their scientist, Dr. Warnoff (Michael Rennie) to Earth.  His assignment, develop a plan for conquest so the alien peoples can move to Earth.  He comes up with a brilliant one...resurrect old dead monsters and have them destroy the Earthlings and then move his world to Earth.  Oh yes, in addition to the monsters, he will turn every Euro-babe into his slave so they can help out.  Also sent are two more aliens who have taken the bodies of two brilliant Earth scientists, Dr. Kerian (Angel del Pozo) and Maleva (Karin Dor).  First order of business...find a nubile Euro-babe...circus performer Ilona (Gela Geisler) is a good choice.

The monsters are resurrected and Maleva's Earthling hormones also are. Now she is hot for Kerian and Dracula (Manuel de Blas) is hot for her.  The werewolf is hot for Ilona and she him.  The Mummy is hot for Euro-babe Ilsa (Patty Shepard) and she him.  Now Warnoff is watching his plans go to pot as everyone wants pre-marital sex.  Detective Toberman (Craig Hill) is also onto Warnoff's plans of conquest.  Toberman is a hunk and stops off at a lot of bars for cocktails and then also endeavors to engage in pre-marital sex with Ilsa.  Who is Ilsa?  Major league Euro-babe, that is all you have to know.  Warnoff enacts his plan but pheromones get in the way and now monsters, mad scientists and Euro-babes alike all want steamy pre-marital sex, 

Will our good detective get to have Ilsa before one of the monsters soils her?  Is Warnoff insane to want to conquer Earth?  Of the four monsters resurrected by alien intelligence, which one has the best chance with a Euro-babe?  Wild, slightly erotic, and some great cheesecake dot this ambitious Spanish horror film.  For a great take on the classic monsters, see "Assignment Terror."

Sadistic Intentions, Heavy Metal Carnage

The carnage in Heavy Metal "music" is often overlooked.  Sure...many are not able to decipher the words to these "songs."  Still, the thunderous beat is often times the attraction, not the "poetry" of the offering.  Imagine if ravers and other metal-heads did listen to the words...and were guided by the wisdom of those words.  Hence 2018's "Sadistic Intentions," directed by Eric Pennycoff.

No spoiler here...as the film begins, Kevin (Michael Patrick Nicholson) is in the midst of decapitating a family of four.  Nice opening scene.  That night the very cute Chloe (Taylor Zaudtke) is trying to figure out how to pay for college.  She needs cash.  The pretty coed-wannabe then gets a call from Kevin.  Kevin will pay her a lot of dinero if she will deliver some weed.  Chloe accepts the offer and is told to come to Kevin's place...he texts her the address.  Also lured to this address is Stu (Jeremy Gardner), a heavy metal "musician."  The two are surprised that Kevin lures them to a mansion.  The two strangers arrive...but Kevin is nowhere to be found.

Stu and Chloe...the "song" writer and the pretty drug dealer, bond.  Uh oh...this isn't Kevin's house.  Who's house is it?  Remember the opening scene?  Yep.  When Stu finds four decapitated heads in the swimming pool, the mood of the evening changes.  Then Kevin appears...and he is quite psycho.  The mad man has lured the two to this mansion for...well, let's just say the motive is in the lyrics of one of Kevin's metal pieces.  Now gore and further carnage ensue.  The nubile Chloe, much to her displeasure, is slated for...well, Kevin hasn't quite made up his mind, but it has to do with bloody sacrifice.  More bad news...Chloe might not be able to depend on her new buddy, Stu, for help...you'll see.  Madness and insanity...and really thunderous Heavy Metal bring in an ominous last half hour to this horror flick.

If Kevin was more interested in Barry Manilow music than Heavy Metal stuff, would Chloe still be in danger of being cut up into little pieces?  Which side is Stu on, his band mate's or the perky and cute Chloe?  If Kevin had bothered to develop a third chord while honing his Heavy Metal skills, would disembowelment still be on his band's agenda?  Loud and vicious, this film will grab you...if not give you a headache.  See "Sadistic Intentions," and turn off Magic 99.1 on your FM radio. 

The Night of a Thousand Cats, Felines Eat Babes

If you hate cats...here is a film for you.  From Mexico, 1972's "The Night of a Thousand Cats," directed by Rene Cardona, Jr. In what looks like a Giallo film, so many beautiful babes will suffer a horrible fate and the 1,000 cats will end up well fed.  Still, we have to understand that the babes were engaging in either pre-marital sex, or extra-marital sex just before their demises...so, what do we expect? 

Here is the deal, Hugo (Hugo Stiglitz) is a rich guy who flies around Mexico City in his helicopter.  He searches for the most sultry babes in all of Mexico...and finds them.  He lands, romances them, has sex with him, and gives them a ride in his chopper.  Hugo brings them back to his mansion, has more sex with them, murders them, cuts them open, feeds their innards to his 1,000 cats, decapitates them, and keeps their heads as trophies.  Hugo has a menacing butler, Dorgo (Gerardo Zepeda), who helps out.  As the film begins we see him do this to the lovely Christa (Christa Linder). So sad...she never had a chance.

Hugo's cats are getting hungry again, so off he goes once more for another hunt. Two women capture his attention. An exotic dancer who sunbathes in a bikini on a penthouse roof. The dancer (Zulma Faiad) looks great all wet...and Hugo wants her,  She has a sugar-daddy and this annoys Hugo. Next up is Cathy (Anjanette Comer). The wealthy babe lives with her family in a mansion.  Hugo will have sex with both of them and both women love it.  Cathy goes back home and tries her old balding husband out, just to make sure. The old bald guy no longer pleases Cathy so she hops back into the chopper with Hugo.  Hugo has two prospects for his trophy case now.  We'll see them in bikinis, in the throes of extra-marital sex, and alas...horrified and on the run. Did I mention the cats are hungry again?

If Cathy and the dancer meet, will they have a cat-fight over Hugo's affections?  Do any of these beauties have a shot at surviving, even though their sexual morals would not be condoned by Mexico's Catholic church? Just who is this Hugo guy and where did he get an isolated mansion and 1,000 pets?  Erotic, and at times heartbreaking, "The Night of a Thousand Cats" is a good Mexican horror film for your movie night or video collection.   

Beaks, Eyeball Eating Pigeons

They just couldn't leave Hitchcock's "The Birds" alone.  Nope...exploitation cinema from Mexico had to weigh in.  This is actually a good thing.  Picture "The Birds" with Michelle Johnson doing a gratuitous bathtub scene.  Hitchcock eat your heart out!  Thanks to Rene Cardona, Jr., we have 1987's "Beaks."  Bloodier than the Tippi Hedren classic and more gratuitous in the gore and nudity department.

TV info-babe, Vanessa (Johnson) is sent to cover a story of a farmer attacked by his chickens.  Joining is her cameraman and lover, Peter (Christopher Atkins).  The two will have pre-marital sex and baths as they come across more instances of birds attacking people in Spain, Italy, Puerto Rico, and Mexico.  Now airplanes approaching airports are divebombed by the fiends and so are hang gliders, making out teens, and children's birthday parties.  Pigeons (okay, so they call them doves in this flick) are the main culprits.  As survivors worldwide, which includes a bikini babe, a sultry nurse in white, and other assorted hunks and babes, take shelter, the birds plan further attacks.

Our info-babe takes charge.  Her and "The Blue Lagoon" hunk commandeer a passenger train for some unknown reason.  Now the train speeds to...well, somewhere.  As the pigeons divebomb the express, Vanessa yells at everyone to move to the front...don't ask why, but she looks so great doing it.  War will take place on the train as mothers worldwide lead frightened children to safety, interrupting annoying birthday parties.  The pigeons continue feeding on eyeballs and a sultry nurse in white will be a heartbreaking casualty.  

Will Vanessa and Peter put off pre-marital sex and baths long enough to figure out how to combat the bird invasion?  If Vanessa worked for CNN, would that bumbling network actually find some viewers?  Will a info-babe with a proclivity for nude scenes have a better chance against the flying menaces than a catatonic Tippi Hedren?  Gory and gratuitous, this film went places where Hitchcock would not go...the bath tub.  For some neat gratuitous fun from Mexico, see "Beaks."

Frozen Scream, Immortality and Gore

Today we look at one of the 'video nasties' (banned in Europe). 1970s exploitation/horror with as mad-scientists, lovely damsels (many will die horribly), gratuitous dancing, and some nice axe murders dot our feature. 1975's "Frozen Scream" plunges us deep into the discussion of immortality and free love. Directed by Frank Roach, this one would have appeared almost exclusively at drive-ins. 

In a gratuitous swimsuit scene, a hunk and babe are brutally murdered by a ghoul. The ghoul is a creation of Dr. Sven Johnsson (Lee James). He is the leader of a free love cult which includes a lot of sultry nurses and coeds...and some hunks. He and his paramour, Lil (Renee Harmon) abduct or kill these people and implant a device making them slaves to their twisted plans. One night, the ghouls apparently kill Tom (Wolf Muser). He's a loser with a sultry wife, Ann (Lynne Yeamon). She witnesses the killing and is traumatized. Uh oh, at the hospital, she is under the care of Dr. Lil and Dr. Sven. Initially they keep her sedated so she can't talk to police. The detective, Kevin (Thomas McGowan) loves Ann and plans to move in and marry her now that Kevin is apparently out of the way.

No one believes Ann when she awakes. She claims ghouls came in and killed her hubby. Lil assigns zombie drone Cathrin (Sunny Bartholomew) to care (keep an eye on) for Ann. Cathrin is a sultry blonde in a white nurse's uniform. She'll keep Dr. Sven and Lil advised of Ann's doings and romances and also have a gratuitous dance and murder number. Sven and Lil's zombies continue to kill and the two mad-scientists turn most of the corpses into mind numbed zombies.  To increase the 'cheese-factor' in this film, the ghouls horribly murder some nice looking babes with their axes...so sad. Now Kevin, after having pre-marital sex with Ann, decides to investigate Lil and Sven. This investigation will put him and Ann in great danger.

Beautiful dames as mind controlled drones of a scientific madman? Appealing in more ways than one...just think of the possibilities. Unfortunately for Lil, the guy zombies are drooling axe-men. Not fair, I know. Will Kevin get to marry the recent widow Ann, or will he become one of Sven's zombie drones? Turning the population into mind numbed zombies...hasn't this already happened without a serum? Bloody and gratuitous, "Frozen Scream" will deliver much gore and nudity as many beautiful damsels and hairy guys are beset in an extreme way. For some fun 1970s drive-in action and horror, see "Frozen Scream."