Bog Creatures, Satanic Viking Berserker Cult Behaving Badly

How many of us in past lives have had to deal with a Satanic Viking Berserker Cult? Exactly...we're all touched by this abomination in world history. Heaven forbid if you were a nubile female and all the male warriors were away from the castle when the fiends showed up. Hence 2003's "Bog Creatures," directed by J. Christian Inguardsan. Oh, the snobs at IMDB give our feature today a rating of 2.4/10. Those idiots who trashed this film actually gave "The Men Who Stare at Goats" a 6.2/10 rating. Please!!!

In A.D. 802 the aforementioned berserker cult raids a castle full of sultry babes. They grab them, grope them, tear off their garments and give them to an evil witch to do with them as she pleases. 1200 years later Professor Feneman (Jeffrey Howard) and his beautiful sister, the virgin Kelly (Lara Theodos) put together an expedition near Amsterdam to visit that castle and unearth the perfectly preserved bodies of the berserker cult warriors who were thrown into the nearby bog. They summon some great looking college kids, most notably Diana (Leia Thompson) and Susan (Courtney Henggeler). Where there are babes, there are hunks, and three will also join in including the super smart Steve (Joshua Park). Without any effort, the five students find the preserved berserkers...but not before Susan strips and takes a shower and Ron (Jesse Steccato) eats her leopard skin panties.

Uh oh, the berserkers aren't keen on staying dead and rise. Uh oh again, the students find a sacked village where Tara (Debbie Rochon) appears to be the only survivor. Now the berserkers are hungry for nubile babes again and they grab Susan. As the virgin Kelly and her professor brother are able to talk to one of the revived berserkers, they hurry back to the college students who are now holed up in the castle. As the invading berserkers again beset the castle looking for more babes (can you blame them?), Tara emerges as a reincarnation of that evil witch, again looking to gut and use the blood of a nubile college student.

Will Kelly's virginity work against her now that she is ensconced with non-virgins, and a berserker cult comes calling for a sacrifice? Will the non-virgin Diana be desirable to the bog creatures...or to Tara's dagger? Is "Bog Creatures" a thinly veiled metaphor for the hopelessness and ill-preparedness of today's college students? "Bog Creatures" is better than any George Clooney film, and the cheesecake is pretty good. For some great European fun in the bog, see "Bog Creatures."

Amphibian Man, Why the USSR Lost the Cold War

Forget about the intellectual fools who chronicle the Cold War that held our planet hostage after World War 2. The answer to the important question of "Why did the Soviet Union lose the Cold War?" is answered here. All you have to know is that the U.S. gave the world "Creature From the Black Lagoon" and the USSR gave the world..."Amphibian Man." Hence today we take a look at a film from the USSR, 1962's "Amphibian Man," shot in The Ukraine and directed by Vladimir Chebotaryov and Gennadiy Kazanskiy. Of course, it didn't hurt that we had Julie Adams and her white swimsuit, and the USSR could only respond with Anastasiya Vertinskaya...a good try...but not good enough.

Okay, in a fishing village, I guess on the Black Sea, a so-called sea devil (Vladimir Korenev) apparently terrorizes fisherman. The supposed sea creature is actually Ichtyandr, the son of a mad-scientist. The mad-scientist, Dr. Salvator (Nikolai Simonov), in order to cure his son of disease, transplanted shark gills on him so he could live in the water. Now Ichtyandr frolics in the sea and plays with fishes. Uh oh, on a fishing ship, the evil Pedro (Mikhail Kozakov) seeks to marry the nubile and sweet Guittere (Vertinskaya). She despises him and tries to escape by jumping overboard. When a shark keys in on her, she passes out and sinks.

The beautiful Guittere is saved by Ichtyandr, who also kills the shark. Pedro will claim credit for saving her when she awakes and now Guittere feels obligated to marry him. Uh oh...Ichtyandr is in love and comes on land to meet the babe. Pedro schemes to capture Ichtyandr and enslave him in his service. Now Pedro desires to get our amphibian man out of the way because Guittere is in love with him. As angry fisherman take to the sea with nets, Ichtyandr faces much peril in pursuit of the nubile beauty. Uh oh for our amphibian man, he will be willing to die for the woman he loves and many of the fisherman in the village would be eager to see that happen.

Will the amphibian man outsmart the fiendish Pedro and end up with the only babe in the entire Soviet Union? Is Pedro a mere metaphor for greedy imperialists who laugh as they sit on the backs of the workers? Would it have changed world history if "Amphibian Man" wasn't such a pale comparison to "Creature From the Black Lagoon," and fashion trends in the USSR could have matched the white swimsuit of Julie Adams? For an enjoyable Soviet sea creature fable with some nice Soviet cheesecake (I bet you didn't know that existed), see "Amphibian Man."

Star Slammer, Spacebabes in Bondage

Sultry spacebabes wearing practically nothing...often naked...often strung up for torture...and subject to the groping and advances of lesbian guards and a demented she-devil warden...yes, the feel good movie of the 20th century, 1986's "Star Slammer" (directed by Fred Olen Ray). The cat-fighting will be over-the-top, and the little bit of clothes worn by these centerfold-type actresses will be easily ripped off...pure trash! Pure trash or not, "Star Slammer" is a film that speaks to us and reminds us guys...well...it reminds us guys, why we are guys!

The scantily clad, and very sultry Taura (Sandy Brooke) is jiggling through a mining planet when she is captured by the evil Bantor (Ross Hagen). He frames her for murders he committed and delivers her to a prison spaceship for sultry and sweaty babes. Immediately Taura gets into a vicious cat-fight with the unofficial leader of the inmates, the sultry Mike (Suzy Stokey). They'll pummel each other and earn each other's respect. Next the dominatrix warden (Marya Gant) summons her and informs her that she will either be her sex-toy or face torture. Taura chooses torture. After more cat-fighting, Taura and Mike end up in solitary and at the mercy of mutant monster rats.

Mike and Taura join forces and together, with the other babe inmates, plot escape. As the warden whips them, an interesting plot device appears, Dr. Po (Jade Barrett). Po is a sultry Asian mad-scientist who has perfected a non-surgical lobotomy. As Bantor returns to the spaceship jail, he uses Po to inflict carnage onto the beautiful inmates. Now its time to rise-up, or face Po's brain surgery. Ah, but wait...the sultry Asian mad scientist may be facing a tortuous and humiliating fate at the hands of...well, you'll see. As spacebabes are slaughtered, Mike and Taura must lead the mutiny on the spaceship and gain freedom before Bantor and the warden torture and pick them apart.

Is this 1986 film the impetus of the recently passed criminal justice reform in the United States? Will the feisty and ever jiggling Taura and Mike be able to turn the tables on the demented dominatrix, leather-clad warden?  Just what awaits the sultry and scantily clad Asian babe mad-scientist in her own laboratory? This is a classic and will give you guys a lift especially after being forced to watch romantic comedies or those acrid DC or Marvel bore-a-thons. For some great cinema, take in "Star Slammer."

Voodoo Woman, The Ultimate Femme Fatale

Yep...when the dame in this film turns into an indestructible monster, one might see this as a pertinent metaphor. Sweet and seductive in one instant, horrific and vile the next. 1957's "Voodoo Woman" transcends our standard femme fatale into that monster, thanks to a mad-scientist and a little bit of voodoo. Oh yes...Mike Connors ("Mannix") is in this as the square-jawed hero who never turns into a monster...interesting.

Mad-scientist Dr. Gerard (Tom Conway) has embedded himself deep in the African jungle with a voodoo tribe. He keeps his wife, the sultry Susan (Mary Ellen Kay), as a prisoner which he will use for future experiments. He has turned the chief's daughter, Zuranda (Jean Davis) into his zombie-drone that sometimes turns into an indestructible monster bent on killing and destroying. Back in Cairo, femme fatale Marilyn (Marla English) plots. She kills some schmuck for his treasure map and intends to trudge deep into the jungle to abscond with the voodoo tribe's gold and jewels. Enter Mannix...I mean Ted (Connors). He, at gunpoint, agrees to guide Marilyn into the jungle.

Meanwhile, the pretty Susan believes her husband is about to kill her, now that the chief's daughter is his slave. Her escape attempts fail and the tribe believes she will be given to them as a white sacrifice. Marilyn and Ted make it there and the femme fatale continues shooting schmucks to death. Dr. Gerard loves this quality and tricks the homicidal babe into becoming another indestructible monster. He reveals his plan to Susan, believing Susan will be sacrificed soon, that he will breed a whole race of these fiends and conquer the world...Disney has beaten him to the punch, I'm afraid. Never fear...Mannix...I mean, Ted...is here and he is buff and handsome and ready to save the proverbial damsel in much distress. As the voodoo tribe, Dr. Gerard, and our femme fatale babe seek to murder Ted and Susan, the duo must overcome incredible odds to escape, prevail, and stop Dr. Gerard's planned conquest.

Will we see a three-way cat-fight between Susan, Marilyn, and Zuranda? Will Ted call Barnaby Jones for assistance? Are the women who turn into monsters in this film mere metaphors for PMS? Perhaps a man's vision to dramatically chronicle his existence with a grouchy wife, or perhaps just some schlock 1950s B movie fun, either way, take in "Voodoo Woman," directed by Edward L. Cahn.

Daughter of Dr. Jekyll, Gloria Talbott With Fangs

Unlike today's A-List so-called actresses, Gloria Talbott was talented and beautiful...and she made films we actually wanted to see. Unlike today's "actress"-pretenders, Ms. Talbott didn't need her face computer-enhanced to get rid of blemishes, and she didn't need surgeries to enhance various parts of her body...and she could act. Today's losers, you see many of them in super-hero films, try to pass off timed-shrieking as real acting. Gloria Talbott was, in a true sense of the term, a glamorous actress. Add some fangs and a demeanor of a werewolf and we have today's film, 1957's "Daughter of Dr. Jekyll, directed by Edgar G. Ulmer.

Janet (Talbott) will turn 21 soon and brings her fiance, George (John Agar) home to meet her uncle, Dr. Lomis (Arthur Shields). Surprise, Dr. Lomis tells her that when she turns 21, the whole estate will be hers. Another surprise...she is the daughter of Dr. Jekyll. Uh oh...Janet tells George to leave her as she fears her children will grow to be little Mr. Hydes. George loves her and refuses. Uh oh, Janet has dreams she is a werewolf ripping out the throats of nubile lasses. When Janet's pretty maid (Mollie McCard) is found with her throat ripped out, the townspeople believe Janet is the culprit. Janet is distraught as she believes she is becoming a werewolf and murdering young women.

Dr. Lomis and George are supportive and try to reassure her that she is not a beast. Uh oh, after every murder, Janet wakes up with bloody hands and mud all over her white negligee. As the townspeople organize to drive a stake through Janet's heart, more proof suggests she is indeed a monster by night. More nubile lasses will be ripped apart and more white negligees will get soiled. Now Janet pleads with someone...anyone...to drive a stake through her heart. But wait! Is she really the beast? George doesn't believe so...and don't forget...she will get a huge inheritance.

Could this beautiful and diminutive lass really turn into a fanged monster? Might her sweet uncle, Dr. Lomis, be bitter that he won't get any of the inheritance of Dr. Jekyll after Janet turns 21? If Janet does spawn little Mr. Hydes, will they be any worse than most modern day public school kids? Gloria Talbott is terrific and watching her run through the moors clad in white negligees is worth the price of admission. For a neat take on a classic horror theme, with great acting, and atmospheric sets, watch "Daughter of Dr. Jekyll."

Horror Hospital, Deviant Mad Doctor

We all know the frustration when our superiors do not let us use humans instead of animals in our experiments. Prudes! University science labs and medical colleges are stalled because of this archaic mindset. President Franklin Roosevelt sanctioned human experimentation...as did...well never mind. In our film today we meet a mad doctor with the same frustration...but he does something about it. Hence 1973's "Horror Hospital."

Okay, as our film opens, two schmucks trying to escape Dr. Storm's (Michael Gough) hospital .are beheaded by a limo. Storm is a mad-scientist who labotamizes young babes and hunks in order to...well, you'll see. Back in London, stressed out rock musician Jason (Robin Askwith) needs some R&R and he sees an ad for Dr. Storm's place. He goes believing it is for R&R and meets the nubile Judy (Vanessa Shaw) on the train. Judy is headed there to visit her Aunt Harris (Ellen Pollock). Aunt Harris is Storm's assistant. No one is expecting them so Judy and Jason are given the same room where gratuitous showers and pre-marital sex will start immediately.

Harris doesn't want her niece there and soon she is abducted by Storm's goons and prepped for surgery. Jason desperately tries to find her and will engage in deadly combat with Storm's men before he is also imprisoned. We meet Storm's experiments and they are all athletic zombies, including the ravishing Millie (Barbara Wendy). After seeing what Storm does with Wendy, we gasp at what Judy's fate is about to be. As Jason thinks up daring escape and rescue plans, Storm's other assistant, the dwarf Frederick (Skip Martin) emerges as an ally. The final 20 minutes will be shocking especially when let in on the terrible fate of Millie.

This film might have received an X rating because of the male frontal nudity, and deviant and perverse sex scenes...so be warned. Just who is Dr. Storm and what exactly does he have planned for Millie and Judy? Is Jason smart enough to rescue Judy and escape, and should he trust the evil dwarf? Okay, I guess we have all asked that question looking at our own daily predicaments. How does a limo decapitate escapees? Bloody, deviant, and disturbing, "Horror Hospital" (directed by Antony Balch) is a film that will stay with you whether you want it to or not with some of the most shocking images you will ever want to see.

Terrifying Girls' Highschool: Lynch Law Classroom, Japanese High School Girls in Trouble

Perhaps in Japan 1973's "Terrifying Girls' Highschool: Lynch Law Classroom" is an important statement about the post-war Japanese patriarchy misogynistic treatment of women. However, everywhere else, this is pure grind-house sexploitation, that even pushes the envelope with the drive-in crowd. A school full of sultry Japanese high school girls...many will be stripped, tortured, raped, murdered, humiliated, and tortured some more. This film will satisfy the fetish of Japanese businessmen, and in the West...it will satisfy everyone with a mind still mired in a juvenile state (at least to some degree).

As our film begins, very pretty Michiyo (Emi Jo) is having her blood drained by nine girls that make up the 'disciplinary committee.' Michiyo has been stripped and tied up. Her death will be sad and gratuitous. The Hope School caters to female juvenile delinquents and the committee is headed by the beautiful Yoko (Ryoko Ema). In reality, it provides young sex-toys in school uniforms to politicians and school officials. Yoko and her committee will then be challenged as three new juveniles are transferred to the school...the sultry Noriko (Miki Sugimoto), Remi (Misuzu Ota), and Kyoko (Seiko Saburi). This trio is groped and probed immediately by the committee and they don't like it. Quickly they decide to fight back.

Knowing the score, Noriko and her two chums realize they will have to use sex (straight and lesbian) in their quest to annihilate the committee. What follows is grotesque humiliation and torture as Yoko and her committee seem to have the advantage. Ah, but wait! Who exactly is Noriko and where did she come from? As a mysterious foe (Yuko Kano), clad in leather and riding a motorcycle invades the school, it appears Noriko has a long line of sultry gals looking to pull her you-know-whats off. Noriko soon realizes orders for her demise have been issued to the committee by the highest levels of the Japanese government.

A lot of Japanese school girls will be stripped, raped, and tortured...some killed. There will be a lot of gratuitous shower scenes, sex scenes, and brutal rape scenes. I know...this is trash and you want no part of it. Fine, but like many others who will see this film, you can view it in secret and never tell anyone you partook in the experience. Directed by Norifumi Suzuki, "Terrifying Girls' Highschool: Lynch Law Classsroom" is a brutal and exploitative exclamation point that you won't be able to resist, albeit you will never tell your friends you saw it.