Doctor Mordrid, Wizard Wars

Full Moon Entertainment and Jeffrey Combs! I know, you're asking "Where's Barbara Crampton?" Come on, be grateful with two out of three. From 1992 we have "Doctor Mordrid." Okay you New England Patriots fans remember Sam Hunt (big burly guy, hardly alluring nor diminutive)? Today we meet Sam Hunt(Samantha actually) as a babe mortal who develops quite an attraction to a benign wizard...can the two stave off the apocalypse?

Dr. Mordrid (Combs) lives in a New York City apartment building where he has set up headquarters. For what? He watches over the world for hints of evil forces seeking to bring about the start of an evil reign over men. Enter the evil wizard Kabal (Brian Thompson)...he has just escaped from a mystical castle in the sky by melting the eyes of Gunner (Ritch Brinkley), the guard.  Now Kabal reaches Earth and violently accumulates money and precious metals in order to create some spell that will allow him and his demon followers to rule Earth.

Not on Mordrid's watch! As his neighbor, and babe Sam (Yvette Nipar) is brought into the plot, she is Mordrid's only friend. Mordirid is blamed by the cops for the death by blood draining of the naked and nubile Irene (Julie Michaels), a rap we've all had to defend ourselves against at one time or another. In reality, Kabal killed her in a gratuitous scene upon a sacrificial alter...typical in New York. Now Mordrid must flee the police with Sam's help and prepare for a mystical confrontation with Kabal which will include pre-historic beasts, homicidal demon wannabees, and astral projection.

Can Sam, the babe filling in for Barbara Crampton, survive this plot and land her a benign wizard? Will Doctor Mordrid take to Sam or will he wait for Barbara Crampton to avail herself for a sequel? If Kabal is able to release thousands of imprisoned demons onto New York City...will anyone notice? For a light frothy romp through an apocalyptic plot featuring Jeffrey Combs and a nubile babe, take in "Doctor Mordrid," directed by Charles and Albert Band.

Paranormal Highway, Debate Team Carnage

Debate team! Ha...yes! Only need to say 'debate team' and you all start drooling. Today we have a neat one about a very intelligent debate team beset by space creatures who shoot slime at them. The movie we have all been waiting for. [RESOLVED: A cheerleadeing squad beset by slime creatures would draw in more viewers than a victimized debate team]. Okay, its not a cheerleadeing squad, nor is it some sultry female wrestling troupe, but hey...aren't brains more important than sexiness? Hence 2017's "Paranormal Highway."

The Key West College debate team is en route, by bus, to the national finals in L.A....actually, not L.A., nor Paris, nor London...but Birmingham, Alabama! Hey, its debate, not football. Coaches Ron and Emily (Paul Waterman and Sharon DeRidder) are the coaches, and the married couple will celebrate their 36th anniversary on this trip. Oh so cute, the hunk Josh (Trini Kirtsey) and babe Jaiden (Carla Brown) are married debaters and she is pregnant. Even better, alternate Carlos Montoya (Alberto Martinez) is a ventriloquist and he has a monkey doll. But wait, Julie (Allisun Zagar) is a babe and we get to see her in a bikini. Even more important, the debate topic is...polar bears? Just go with that. We'll have non-gratuitous pool scenes and Papa John Pizza eating scenes...hey, this is a film about a debate team, not a cheerleading squad.

The bus breaks down and the creatures attack. What are they? Where are they from? They slime the bus and one by one drag off the coaches and debaters. No cell phone service exists in northern Florida and bright lights from the sky suggest something extraterrestrial. The very intelligent debaters begin to unravel and we kinda begin pulling for the nubile and cute Madison (Cassandra Giles)...so sad. The onslaught seems unstoppable. Uh oh...this attack on the debate team may not be an isolated incident and detective Kim (Brittany Levinson) will be victimized by the fiends as well. As the slime flows more freely and the debate club numbers dwindle, we begin to see a lot more than the national championship is at stake here.

[RESOLVED: A bus of sultry stewardesses beset by slimy space aliens would also have drawn more viewers than a debate team]. Will Key West College make it to the national finals? Do the slimy creatures have special plans for the bikini babe and the nubile Madison? Is all this moot? In all fairness, the actors and actresses who portray the debaters are quite good looking. Directed by Forrest and Brent Peterson, "Paranormal Highway" is more science fiction/horror than paranormal in make-up, which makes this a film you will want to find.

Axegrinder, Run Laura Run!

Laura? Good question...not our favorite Emanuelle, Laura Gemser. Actually...it might be. Confused? You'll have to see 2006's "Axegrinder" (aka "2 Young 2 Die") in its entirety to find out the answer to that mystery. Our Laura in this film is played by Cassie Daniels. 50% (only a slight exaggeration) of "Axegrinder" is dedicated to shots of Cassie Daniels, clad in a tight green halter top, jiggling very erotically as she runs for her life through the woods. She would have done well on "Baywatch."

There is a backstory to explain our axe wielding maniac, Freddy Palmer (Jed Rowen). We'll skip it here and go right to a group of three hunks and three babes heading into the woods for camping, alcohol abuse, and wild pre-marital sex. Just before their arrival, two hot lesbians (Gina Valona and April Betts) are axed to pieces while having wild sex. Also in this camping party is the slut Shelley (Berna Roberts), the deviant sex addict Donna (Jennider Peo), the nerd James (Chris Todd), Laura's BF Bobby (Freddy Morales), and Mike (J.P. Edwards)...I forget who's BF he is. Then our axe-wielding maniac arrives and begins chopping away, one hot hunk or babe at a time.

As the beautiful fall, Laura will run through the woods a lot bouncing up and down. Uh oh, there is a cabin, and all the hunks or babes that run to it for help will be in for a horrific surprise as soon as they open...well, you'll see. Then Laura runs through the forest some more bouncing up and down. Shelley will give us a gratuitous bikini scene just before she is...well, you'll see. Then the final 20 minutes...its wild and you'll have to watch closely....though Laura will continue running through the woods (she must have done 10 good miles in this film). The ending will hold some surprises and intense gore and the revelation of the true killer will be shocking.

A minor B actress, Cassie Daniels enjoyed her biggest role in this film. Did I mention she runs very well, especially through the woods? Why wasn't Cassie Daniels ever on "Baywatch"? What does Laura Gemser as "Emanuelle" have to do with this film? If someone ever wants to make a redneck "Emanuelle," Cassie Daniels would be the perfect one to cast. There are a lot of gory kills in this one and the axe-wielding maniac is quite ambitious. For some great slasher fun, with elements of "Baywatch" and "Emanuelle" thrown in, enjoy "Axegrinder" (directed by David Palmieri).

Flight 666, Red Eye into the Paranormal

You ever notice that flight attendants strut onto airplanes wearing heels (at least three inches)? Yep, but magically, when the flight commences the heels are gone in favor of flat bottoms. Not in the movies, however. In films, the heels stay on. Our stewardess in much peril today is Alice, played by Liz Fenning. Not only does she keep her heels on, but her uniform is a bit too tight for comfort on a six-hour 'red-eye' from coast-to-coast. Clad in high heels, a tight skirt, even tighter blouse, she'll deal with unruly passengers, disgusting (maggot-infested) in-flight meals, and angry ghosts.

As our film begins Pan US Air flight 57 is headed to New York and is engulfed in a storm. Its a bad one and there's no shaking it. The passengers and crew are being tossed about and Alice is doing everything her training has taught her to keep order. Uh oh, Mr. Peck (Justin Hoffmeister) thinks he saw something otherworldly on the wing and he's spooked...panicked, actually. Air Marshal Thad (Jose Rosete) restrains him. Pretty Alice tries to calm the not-yet-panicked passengers but when she serves a maggot infested salad, well, morale heads south. Uh oh, now Alice may have seen something out the window and pretty passengers Danika (Clarissa Thibeaux) and Anna (Renee Willett) have encounters with a menacing ghost in the cabin's lavatory which brings them...well, you'll see.

The storm gets worse and everyone on the plane is unhinged except the sultry stewardess, Alice. Whatever the ghost wants, it is not happy it doesn't have the full attention of the passengers and crew. Possession, weird noises, and the arrival of more menacing specters further dampen the mood of the NYC bound passengers. As Alice and the passengers put two and two together, they have to admit to themselves that something paranormal is going on. They also figure out the ghosts desire them to do something...but what? As Alice in her tight stewardess get-up and the passengers get tossed around some more, the haunted onslaught increases.

Why are the ghosts aboard Pan US Air flight 57, and what do they want the mortals to do? Will Alice find love amid the turmoil and turbulence, and is her impractical footwear selection a conduit for the paranormal? Are the passengers and Alice in danger from more than the ghosts and storm? This is a nice standard ghost story set at 36,000 feet. The cast provides a lot of beefcake and cheesecake and next time you get stuck on a domestic leg with homely stewardesses...remember Alice from "Flight 666." Oh, by the way, this is film is from The Asylum and directed by Rob Pallatina.

Sector 7, Motorcycle Babe vs. Sea Monster

Actually, more precisely, motorcycle babe vs. sea monster, on an oil rig! A gem from South Korea featuring a sultry and tough-as-nails heroine and a toothy, slimy, invincible beast from 10,000 feet. Hence 2011's "Sector 7." Ji-won Ha, the Korean beauty who plays the heroin, and her character in this film, is actually the inspiration of a character I created in my upcoming novel "Ghosts of Brisbane." More on that later in 2019.

In 1985 a weird diving accident to repair a drill 10,000 feet below the surface kills Hae-joon's (Ha) dad. Present day, Hae-joon is part of the crew on an oil rig. She is tough, beautiful, swings from derricks, races motorcycles, and always looks really good. The rig is going to be shut down...no oil. Uh oh, after Hae-joon's uncle arrives, oil is mysteriously found...and something finds them. At first, jubilation. Guess what! There is a sultry geneticist on board the rig (Ye-ryeon Cha). Is it just because she is really good looking? Nope. Whatever she is breeding in her lab...well, apparently it gets out. The sultry geneticist will be killed (very sad) and she is only the first.

The creature, starts going through crewmen like crap through a goose. Hae-joon and the other survivors are chased through the cavernous rig and because of her uncle (Han-wi Lee) learns of vulnerabilities of the beast. Wait...how did he know? The thing is laying a ton of eggs and is getting meaner. Uh oh...we find out the uncle didn't return to the rig to find oil...but to find something else. Hae-joon will lose many friends and now its personal. With her motorcycle (standard equipment on an oil rig) she will undertake an unlikely venture to save humanity and exert some revenge.

What were those secret experiments of the beautiful geneticist in the secret lab on the ill-fated rig? Will our motorcycle babe be able to fend off and then destroy the sea monster? What exactly happened in 1985 that has caused this war-at-sea? This is an action-packed "Die Hard" type monster film. Ji-won Ha is on the screen constantly and plays to the camera well. Think of her when you read about Miss Ha in the upcoming novel "Ghosts of Brisbane."

The Night Crew, Vampire Babe South of the Border

We've been screaming for it for years...a film about a Chinese stripper who relocates to Mexico and becomes the vampire bride of Danny Trejo. Yes! In what could've been a Paul Rodriguez or Quentin Tarantino film, 2015's "The Night Crew" is so satisfying on so many levels. Yep...a sultry vampire babe and a bunch of hunks...and a couple more beauties. Throw in a vicious drug cartel, a lot of machine gun fights, and even some eroticism...enough said.

There is probably a great backstory but as our film begins Chinese stripper Mae (Chasty Ballesteros) is plying her trade in a cheap establishment outside Tijuana. Uh oh, cartel boss Aguilar (Trejo) wants her back. As Mae gets rough on some customers who try to paw her, Aguilar's men make a move to re-capture her. They almost succeed...except there is a warrant for her in the States and a team of bounty hunters headed by Wade (Luke Goss) draw down on the cartel thugs and take Mae. Outside the dark dingy strip club, the Mexican sun shines bright...uh oh, the sunlight makes Mae deathly ill. Wade treats Mae like a lady, something she isn't used to...this ticks off one of his team members, the beautiful Rose (Luciana Faulhaber). Rose and Mae will have some confrontations and it appears Mae would either like to eat her literally...or figuratively.

Uh oh, Aguilar, who is deathly sick during the day and perks up at nightfall, sends his henchmen in pursuit. They chase Wade's team to an abandoned Mexican motel where Mae perks up...nightfall, right, you're catching on. Dozens of cartel thugs with machine-guns arrive and a major fight erupts. Mae and Rose continue feuding and all is looking hopeless for the dwindling bounty hunter team. Now its time for Mae to reveal a few surprises. Mae is no fan of mortals but when she sees Wade caring about his men (and Rose), and also promise Mae that he will die before handing her back to Aguilar, she is touched and chooses sides, which won't bode well for the cartel thugs.

What exactly does Mae have in mind for Rose's fate? Will hunk Wade land either Rose or Mae for some passionate, and perhaps bloody, pre-marital sex? With a team of well armed bounty hunters as her new friends, may Mae decide to pay her nemesis, Aguilar, a toothy visit? This is a good one and plays out like a grind-house comic book. For an erotic and menacing performance by Chasty Ballesteros, and a lot of hunk guys (translation: good cheesecake...good beefcake), enjoy "The Night Crew," directed by Christian Sesma.

Bigfoot Country, Irony and Sasquatch

Bigfoot country...right! Certainly not dating country...or brains country. Okay, many of you won't like this film, 2017's "Bigfoot Country," but...well...I did! Yeah, there are a lot of flaws with this one...unless you take it as a whole. No spoilers, but the very ending was deep and merits thought. As the final credits roll, you might want to have a conversation with yourself starting with, " ...what just happened?"

Two hunks and two babes head on a hike through the British Columbia forest. Bryce (Hans Potter) has emerged as the bloke we want to see get picked apart by Sasquatch first. Bryce's crude behavior wins him the favor of babe Carly (Brooke Walker). Everything about Brooke says "...I will die first in horrible fashion." Then there is the very pretty Kiera (Kiana Passmore) who looks like a great candidate for 'final-girl.' Then there's Andy...major league hunk...too shy to let Kiera know he is hot for her. The four make it through the woods with the smoothness of a junior high school dance. As Bryce continues to annoy, Carly searches for pre-marital sex, and Andy and Kiera figure out that men and women get together and...well...you know...a monster begins stalking them.

At first the big hairy thing is curious, but when Bryce pulls a boneheaded move to annoy it, the hunt begins...or does it? At no point do we believe our quartet have any kind of chance at survival. As the monster gets closer and puts hands on the human intruders, our humans act...with the intelligence of a dead mackerel. Then irony rears its ugly head...and it is uglier than an angry Sasquatch.  Blood will flow and tortuous demises await at least some of our human cast members.

Will Bigfoot do away with all four of the humans? Is Bigfoot really the enemy which our quartet need to worry most over? Will Andy get a clue and engage in pre-marital sex with Kiera before Sasquatch does? If you choose to watch this film, hang in their through the very end. The last shot says so much and will be quite thought provoking. Enjoy "Bigfoot Country," a film directed by Jason Mills.