Phantom of Death, Logan's Run Italian Style

At the age of 36 Michael York played 26 year old Logan in 1976's "Logan's Run." In that film, humans were terminated at the age of 30...no AARP in that society. As Logan, York played a sandman, or a cop tasked with hunting all those 30 year olds who tried to cheat death. Ironically, his last four years are cheated from him and he spent the bulk of the film running form his colleagues. Not all was bleak for Logan, he got to have pre-marital sex with Jessica 6 (Jenny Agutter). Hence 1988's Italian horror film "Phantom of Death." In this one, 48 year old Mr. York plays 35 year old Robert Dominici. Again age is a big theme here as the 35 year old character will also have years (decades, actually) cheated from him.

Susanna and Robert

He's a brilliant and handsome pianist. Italian babes throw themselves at him. This won't last. Robert, our concert pianist and ninja wannabe (don't ask), quarrels with his very steamy GF Susanna (Mapi Galan). Oh yes, a beautiful doctor (Carola Stagnaro) is murdered at her home when maniac with a sword slashes her jugular. Poor Susanna, she will suffer the same fate. Dr. Loomis...er, Inspector Datti (Donald Pleasance) is on the case. With Susanna's death, minutes after, Helene (Edwige French) bursts into Robert's life seeking pre-marital sex and he obliges. Meanwhile, Datti connects the dead babes to Robert. When the killer almost slashes Helene, Datti wants to arrest Robert. Oh no, Helene's attacker is described as an old man, and Robert is only 35...or is he?

Robert carves up a policewoman

A rare disease has entered Robert's life and he ages...quickly. With the aging, Robert's mind becomes deranged and many beautiful Italian babes will have their blood spattered on their walls. Thinking a 35 year old is responsible for the murders, Insp. Datti is humiliated when many of the slayings occur right under his nose, including a pretty policewoman (Renata Dal Pozzo). With his mind gone, Robert taunts Insp. Dotti by phone and plots a fate for the sultry Helene.

Helene in much peril

What does Robert have planned for Helene? Will Insp. Datti connect the dots and be able to save the nubile babes of Italy? Is "Phantom of Death" a metaphor for what western civilization deserves for mistreating its elderly? The blood gushes very often in this one, and like so many Italian horror films, the beautiful meet such tortuous demises. Fans of "Logan's Run" will find this performance by Michael York most interesting, and horror fans will appreciate the gore. For some great Italian horror intrigue, see "Phantom of Death."

The Kindred, Tentacled Menace and Dueling Mad Scientists

Our mistakes can be quite embarrassing.  We've all made them. Usually we discard them with no witnesses learning of our errors. Not always. When we fail in the laboratory and our genetic experiments turn into malignant creatures, the clean up is a bit more involved. In that instance, any witnesses...well...we've all done it...get fed to the failed creations. Hence 1987's "The Kindred." Fans of tentacled monsters, not just Japanese businessmen with fetishes, will love this one.

Nell's orifices invaded

Dr. Lloyd (Rod Steiger) hires nefarious ambulance crews to bring him human subjects. Most of these subjects turn into grotesque fiends and Lloyd feeds them EMTs. He is trying to create a hybrid life form but not really having any luck. Fortune strikes! His rival has done it. Amanda Hollins (Kim Hunter), in her country home, has created a monster. On her death bed she implores her son John (David Allen Brooks) to go to her country lab, destroy Anthony and all her journals and notes. Who is Anthony? You'll see, but here is a clue...he's got bad temperament and has tentacles. Not knowing this, John heads up to the lab with his main squeeze Sharon (Talia Balsalm) and a team of young scientists.

The beautiful Melissa and her gills

Uh oh, joining the team is Melissa (Amanda Pays). Melissa is a mysterious scientist who is very interested in Amanda's experiments. She is seductive, smart...and slowly turning into a jumbo shrimp. At first our team tries to make sense of the journals, but when the beautiful but annoying Nell (Bunky Jones) hops into her car with her favorite watermelon (don't ask), Anthony pops out of the watermelon and shoves tentacles into the lovely Nell's nose, ears, mouth, and who knows what other orifices? Anthony is now on the prowl and getting bigger. Its attacks grow in frequency and Melissa grows more gills. As great looking young scientists get grabbed by slimy tentacles, John must figure out what he is dealing with. Oh yes...Dr. Lloyd is on his way to steal his dead colleagues specimen...good luck on that one.

Sharon makes a friend

The deaths are excruciating and the creature gets ickier and ickier with each kill. Exactly who...or what...is Anthony? Will Melissa finish her transition and become a sea creature before Anthony sets its tentacles on her? Will Dr. Lloyd bring a big enough jar to collect Anthony? You will want to tape all your orifices shut while you watch "The Kindred," but remember those slimy buggers always find a way in. Enjoy "The Kindred" and then have a nice dinner at The Red Lobster.  

Demon Wind, Demons vs.Idiots

1990's "Demon Wind" is an ambitious, loud, and crazy horror film. This film has borrowed from the best; "The Evil Dead," "Prince of Darkness," "Demons," "Night of the Demons," and many more. The plot is basic and riddled with holes but if you like zombies spurting yellow blood, decapitations, possessions, and a skeleton's tongues grabbing babes...well, this is your film. So next movie night, if someone suggests "The King's Speech," just overrule him and say, "No! Tonight we see 'Demon Wind'."

Cory and two soon to be dead friends

Cory (Eric Larson) has a lot of great looking friends. Too bad, they all will die horrible demonic deaths because he can't come up with a decent plan. Briefly...after visiting his drunk lunatic dad, Cory decides to travel to the farmhouse his grandparents met their demise. In 1929, his witch grandmother and grandfather were killed by demons and an exploding snow-globe (don't ask). Now Cory brings his sultry GF Elaine (Francine Lapensee) and, what ends up being, eight of his closest friends to the ruins of this farmhouse. Despite the obligatory warning from the gas-station attendant "You're all gonna die," a warning which should never be ignored, the army proceeds onward.  Once there, the very perky Bonnie (Sherry Leigh) is the first to go as three demon children suck her life-force into a mutant baby-doll.  Despite her great looks, no one seems to mind that Bonnie is no longer among the living.

Reena

It gets worse. Cory still doesn't have a plan. His magician friends (Stephen Quadros and Jack Vogel) get taken over by demons and Reena (Mia Ruiz) is grabbed by a skeleton's tongue only to have her head pulled into its jaws and chewed upon like a stick of gum (That's how I want to go). As Cory's friends die horrible deaths we hold our breath hoping the pretty Elaine will somehow survive.  Finally a plan! Cory is in touch with the spirit of his grandmother who hints at a way to conquer the demon horde. Can Cory execute this new plan of his or is he allergic to plans and strategy?

Grandfather

Carnage and gore flow out of every pore of "Demon Wind." The fact that Cory had so many friends only insured that the death count would be high. Perhaps a standard plot for a film about demons but this one never has a lull.  Written and directed by Charles Philip Moore, "Demon Wind" would have made John Carpenter proud.  Instead of the current superhero film, get yourself back into Rated R cinema and enjoy "Demon Wind."

The Unnamable, Unmentionable Horror

H.P. Lovecraft has quite a name in horror, and today we look at one of his short stories made into a film...1988's "The Unnamable." When something unnamable does something unmentionable it leaves writers with a bit of a challenge. Naming it Jason, Michael, or Freddie is just too easy and perhaps a bit underwhelming. Not to worry, H.P. Lovecraft sends us a tale of some great looking college kids from Miskotonic University who will have names on their gravestones.

Howard, Joel, and Carter

Many years ago, something unnamable (Katrin Alexandre) did something unmentionable. In other words, it broke out of its attic confinement and ripped the beating heart out of its guardian. Present day, the old house is boarded up and an ancestor, Carter (Mark Kinsey Stephenson), of the the fellow who lost his heart is trying to put the pieces together of exactly what happened. His brave buddy Joel (Mark Parra) decides to prove Carter wrong about his belief the house is cursed, and spends the night there. He won't make it through the night as the unnamable fiend rips his head off.

Joel, that night

The next day, two babe Miskotonic coeds, Wendy (Laura Albert) and Tanya (Alexandra Durrell) arrive at the house with two frat-boys, John (Bland Wheatley) and Bruce (Eben Ham). They are there to have pre-marital sex, but right away the unnamable thing begins hunting and dissecting them. Also arriving are Carter and Howard, in search of the missing (dissected, actually) Joel. Realizing that the unnamable is loose and hunting hunks and babes, Carter is fortunate enough to find a copy of the Necronomicon. He quickly peruses the human skin pages for an explanation and an incantation to get rid of the unnamable. He will have to work fast as the creature has done away with the hunks and has set its sights on the half-naked skank, Wendy. As Carter desperately tries out incantations and digs up graves, the chivalrous Howard seeks to save the nubile females from the thing, which we find out, does indeed have a name.

The unnamable

What is the backstory of the unnamable? Does anyone at Miskotonic University ever major in Communications or Business? This is a fun, and very gory monster in a haunted house saga. Whether Lovecraft would have been proud of the film version of his story is a debatable point. Nevertheless, this is a fun horror film that earns a nice R rating. See "The Unnamable" and come up with your own name for a creature that rips out internal organs, cracks open skulls, and eats human flesh.

Blonde Savage, Beauty in the Jungle

Can a big snake tame a jungle vixen? This is the question we have all had to answer at one time in our adulthood. In 1947's "Blonde Savage" we will meet a vixen proficient with knives and blow-dart guns as she meets a square-jawed hunk who goes through dames like crap through a goose. The savagery and impulsive passion that occur when the two meet will drive you to the showers.

The sadly irrelevant Clarissa 

As our film begins Steve (Leif Erickson) is engaged in fore-play with the sultry Clarissa (Eve Whitney). Clarissa is a hypnotic babe who's every curve and revealing wardrobe slit spell erotic seduction. She will not be in the film past the first two minutes so we shall not mention her again, though in our minds, she leaves an indelible impression. Fast forward to the jungles of Kenya where Steve has been summoned by the evil diamond mine magnate Mark Harper (Douglass Dumbrille). Uh oh, Mark is married to the knock-out dame, Connie (Veda Ann Borg)...and wouldn't you know it, she and Steve are former lovers.

Now, that's a wedding picture!

Steve and his sidekick Hoppy (Frank Jenks) fly into the jungle in order to locate the tribe that is hampering Harper's diamond operation. Steve doesn't know Harper wants to wipe-out the tribe. The plane crashes and Steve and Hoppy are taken prisoner.  Fortune strikes, the tribe is led by blonde beauty Meelah (Gale Sherwood). After Meelah realizes Steve is not Harper, Steve teaches her a few words of English.  After Steve teaches her the words "Big Snake" she falls in love with him and he is able to figure out Harper killed her parents when she was a baby.  She even sings "Forga Dakum Baka" for Steve. The blonde baggage of TNT loves Steve and now her beau races back to Harper's compound to save Meelah and the tribe from annihilation. We'll see Meelah draw blood in rage in an epic final battle.

Meelah, the blonde baggage of TNT

Why did Harper kill Meelah's parents? Will Connie and Meelah engage in a steamy cat-fight? Just what is the allure of the phrase "Big Snake" to Meelah? This is a good one and blows any "Tarzan" film out of the water.  Ms. Sherwood is steamy as the scantily clad Meelah, and her attraction to Steve is animal-like, to say the least. For some steamy and gratuitous jungle adventure, see "Blonde Savage," directed by Steve Sekely.

Freshwater, Zoe Bell vs. The 'Gator

Fans of Zoe Bell films know that putting her up against a monster alligator is sure death for the reptile.  This tough and sassy actress will probably come out of 2016's "Freshwater" with a new handbag and set of pumps. Gator and croc films are, as far as I'm concerned, a sure bet. Fans of beauties clad in bikinis will also love this film, though every bikini-babe is eaten in this one.

Bikini babe Jamie (Donnabella Martel) is the first. She'll be pulled off the dock by the creature and eaten. Bob, the weird fisherman will be next as we will watch a giant albino gator lunch on him. No mystery here, pretty basic croc film. Uh oh, gator expert Brenda (Bell) arrives and she examines Jamie's limbs.  Her buddy, a fed. Agent Sam (Tom O'Connell) concludes gator attack.  Not so fast, Brenda has a weird feeling about this one. Brenda offers her services to Sheriff Jones (Joe Lando), and he is not very welcoming. Uh oh, some rich puke is having a party at his island and he invites a bunch of bikini babes (gator bait) and hunks.

As Brenda investigates, she is more suspicious that the carnage is being caused by something far more devious than a gator. Meanwhile, the gator also heads to the party and eats another bikini babe, Cassie (Sherri Eakin). Also at the party is Melody (Yulia Klass)...an exotic bikini babe. Who exactly is she and why does she seem hostile to everyone? The more we see the monster eating bikini babes, the more uneasy Brenda gets.  What does Brenda think is going on?  After all, we actually see the gator eating the hunks and babes.

Is there some more devious force at work in this little Louisiana town? Who is Melody, and is it a coincidence that the gator carnage began upon her arrival?  We know Zoe Bell can beat up a giant gator, but is she any match for whatever else may be going on here?  Warning, however standard this monster gator film might appear, the last 20 minutes is anything but standard.  You might figure you know who will live and die in this one, but don't wager any money on that.  For a quirky and very surprising gator horror film, enjoy "Freshwater," directed by Brandeis Berry.

Dogged, You Can't Go Home Again

Thomas Wolfe penned "You can't go home again." This brings us to Rule #11 on the top ten list of things we learn not to do after watching horror films. IF YOU GET OUT OF A CREEPY TOWN...DON'T GO BACK! Nostalgia, homesickness, and perhaps an old love do draw us back home years after we have left.  The years that go by help us forget the reasons we left. Hence the fate of a likable bloke in Richard Rowntree's "Dogged."

He's ambitious and his own man. Young Sam (Sam Saunders) left the island he grew up in to go to university, eschewing unspoken tradition. No one is supposed to leave. Time honored traditions protect and nurture the good people of Farthing Island. Uh oh, Sam is drawn back because of the mysterious death of a young pretty teen...and his crush on the Reverend Jones' (Toby Wynn Davies) daughter, Rachel (Aiysha Jebali). Reverend Jones seems to be the unofficial mayor of the island.  He looks as if he could take a confession from you in the morning and perform a ritualistic sacrificial rite on your kids in the evening.  Sam's return is unsettling for the residents, especially for his parents who he shamed by leaving.

Sam begins to ask questions about the death of the young teen. Bad move! An obvious cover-up is occurring. Meanwhile, as a secret to no one, he engages in pre-marital sex with Rachel.  Sam draws lots of scrutiny from mysterious figures wearing animal masks...never a good sign. Sam meets some horrified hippies and an apparently insane woodsman who try to warn him, but they are too ambiguous for Sam to understand. As Reverend Jones, a man with bloody secrets, finds out his dear daughter has been defiled by a university boy, he decides on a course of action which will have Sam in his cross hairs. The animal masked cultists get bolder, and Sam develops an ally, a weird hippie woman (Nadia Lamin). He better act fast as the cultists are now tasked and Rachel has been "chosen" for something.

I know what you're thinking..."The Wicker Man." The similarities are indeed there but be warned the ending is more involved and ominous.  One may argue that the social commentary in this Richard Rowntree folk-horror flick is even more biting than "The Wicker Man." Will Reverend Jones be as successful as Christopher Lee was in the aforementioned film? Is young Sam majoring in anything that could be remotely useful to him in evading a malignant cult?  "Dogged" will leave you stunned and rethinking your desire to visit the islands of the United Kingdom.  For a horrific journey in which modern progress is tormented by ancient tradition...see "Dogged."