Winnie-the-Pooh: Blood and Honey, Someone Had a Rotten Childhood

Wow!  I just finished watching today's blog entry.  The creators of this film seemed to have had a rotten childhood.  Either that or they are all divorced men with women issues.  A lot of nubile babes in this film, sadly, they won't just die horribly, they'll be put through the meatgrinder, crushed, beheaded, etc. Okay, I admit...when I was a kid I did find Winnie-the-Pooh annoying and Christopher Robin weird.  Anyone ever wonder what happened when Christopher Robin grew up? Ask no more.  Today we look at 2023's "Winnie-the-Pooh: Blood and Honey," directed by Rhys Frake-Waterfeld.

Christopher Robin (Nikolai Leon) brings his attractive wife, Mary (Paula Coiz) into the woods to see where he used to play with  his imaginary friends...Pooh (Craig David Dowsett), Piglet (Chris Cordell), and Eyor.  To Christopher they were real...and Mary is about to find that out. So distraught at being abandoned by Christopher, Pooh and Piglet ate Eyor and have sworn to murder any human they come across.  This won't bode well for Mary who will be caught by Pooh and Piglet, stripped off her bones, and fed to Christopher.  I'm sure this is a metaphor for something. Christopher is left strung up for whipping and other torture. Okay, we meet six or seven babes, most notably Maria (Maria Taylor).  She is brought to a vacation home by her sultry lesbian lover, Jessica (Natasha Rose Mills). Five other babes are invited. Sadly, Tina (May Kelly) will not make it to the cabin as Pooh will put her through a meatgrinder and make sausage out of her...again, this must be some sort of metaphor for unhappy college aged babes.

As Maria reveals her fear of men to Jessica and the other girls, Lara (Natasha Tosini) strips to a bikini and goes to take selfies in the hot tub...bad move.  She'll be carried away by Pooh and Piglet.  One by one, the now monsters go through babes like crap through a goose.  Some will put up a nice fight but as soon as sledgehammers or machetes are introduced into the melee...they will fall. Of course, our two lesbian lovers are on the run after escaping from the makeshift butcher shop, but just how far will they get?  Pooh and Piglet show no signs they can be reasoned with.  But wait!  Christopher Robin escapes his chains and is determined to help the surviving gals.

Is some part of us happy that Christopher Robin is being horrifically tormented for the sins of his past? Is the fate of the babes in this film a metaphor for what a woke culture does to women here in the 2020s?  Did Tina, after made into sausage, taste just like chicken?  This is a bloody and grim one.  The babes in this film may have provided a high cheese factor, but like a good Giallo film, don't get too attached to them.  See "Winnie-the-Pooh: Blood and Honey" for gory horror with a high kill count. 

The Killer Trainer, Lose a Few Pounds and Your Life

Just out of a relationship. His fault...not yours. Go back to the gym.  Lose a few pounds.  Get toned in all the right places. Put on some tight pants and a sports bra.  Sweat when the guys come by. Hire a personal trainer. What could go wrong?  Today's film has the answer for that...a lot!  Our feature today is 2018's "The Killer Trainer" (aka "Blood, Sweat, and Lies"), directed by Lane Shefter Bishop.

The sultry Melissa (Hannah Barefoot) dumps her boyfriend of five years. Good move. Now she is convinced by her sultry bestie, Leslie (Briana Lane) to go back to the gym.  The gym is a meat market. The personal trainer at the gym, Trey (Adam Huber) , takes an immediate liking to Melissa...as do we. Now she hires him to get her in better shape.  She'll sweat a lot. He'll look good ordering her around.  She gets in better shape. Uh oh...now it gets creepy.  Trey gives Melissa a bracelet to monitor her vitals.  Trey will keep an eye on these vitals and furiously grunt as Melissa's heart rate spikes during pre-marital sex, not with him though.  See, Melissa likes Trey but is not interested in dating him. Trey is obsessed with Melissa. Melissa finds a new BF, the hunk Adam (Matt Cedeno). Trey is not happy and begins sabotaging Melissa's life.  He'll take over her phone from his laptop and text Adam and Leslie trying to isolate Melissa.

Okay, it gets creepier.  Uh oh...we start to see that Trey's unhealthy attraction to Melissa existed long before she stepped into the club.  Even worse, the peeps in her life, including Adam and Leslie, are in mortal danger.  Viciousness touches all aspects of Melissa's life and it is apparent to her some psycho is after her...though she does not know it is Trey.  I must say Melissa gives us some nice scenes sweating, in tight work-out gear, and in throes of passion.  Trey is beefy, just not Melissa's type.  Unfortunately for Melissa, Trey will force the issue and get increasingly unhinged.

Sweaty babes in tight work-out gear need to make a comeback.  That aerobic gear from the 1980s is so missed.  Will Hannah ever figure out her trainer is a complete whack-ball?  Will there be sweaty sauna scenes?  Will Leslie and Adam survive to the end of the film?  This is a good one, but I must confess... mostly because Hannah Barefoot is quite a dish who looks good in tight work-out gear.  For a gratuitous movie going work-out, see "The Killer Trainer." 

The Stalker Club, Silly and Deadly Games

There is a lot to like about this throwback to 80s slasher films.  First, a great looking cast filled with young babes and hunks.  Second, a nice death count.  Third, a slasher who is actually a slasher, wielding a big knife and wearing a mask. Then cheerleaders. Cheerleaders? Yep. They have nothing to do with the film but make it to several of the scenes as background extras.  Hey, why not?  They could have used fat women with purple hair and piercings...yuck!  Today we look at the high school slasher film, 2017's "The Stalker Club," directed by Doug Campbell.

A high school clique of five friends all receive a mysterious text.  The text, from an unknown caller, invites them to join the Stalker Club.  High school kids tend to be idiots and in this film, this maxim is no exception...thus, all join. Game on. The rules? never mind, suffice it to say the five kids are then all stalked by a knife wielding, mask wearing stalker. Ashley (Kelcie Stranahan) is the babe we glob onto.  She is pretty and has a sad back story.  Her mom, Karen (Maeve Quinlan) has juts begun to date again after Ashley's father died two years ago. Darren (TJ Neal) is quite the cute hunk and seems hot for Ashley.  He also emerges as the #1 suspect. Chloe (Alex Frnka) is the sultry, stuck-up friend who is mean to everyone. Sadie (Lora McHugh) is a redheaded cutter and her chances of seeing the end credits are non-existent.  Then Mark (Paul Karmiryan) is the hunk BF of Chloe...but Chloe does not seem that in to him.

Each teen begins seeing the stalker outside their houses, and sometimes, inside their houses. Then the killings begin.  One by one the teens are preyed upon.  Everyone, except Ashley is suspect, even some teachers and parents. Oh, gratuitous cheerleader in the background shots will be appreciated...though, none will be harmed in the making of this movie. Ashley switches between smooching with Darren to accusing him of being the stalker.  Chloe looks like she wants to murder everyone, but then again, what high school babe doesn't?  Sadie and Mark are listed way down in the credits...so what does that tell you?  The knife is big and blood will flow.

Just who is the slasher and is there a reason he or she invited these kids to join the Stalker Club? Are one of these teens the stalker?  If cheerleaders were used the same way in Stanley Kubrick's "Barry Lyndon," would that have been a film we would have wanted to see?  For some gratuitous teen-age cheese and beef, and a lot of slashing, see "The Stalker Club."

The Lurker, A Mess with Scout Taylor-Compton

Okay...get over it.  It is better than those "Star Wars" monstrosities or that stupid TV show "The Mandolorian." Oh, you fans of the Marvel Universe! You have no credibility to hate on our feature today.  Sure, five of the ten most annoying character portrayals in film history are in this film today...and Liam Neeson isn't even in it. We do have an astronomical death count.  We have decapitations, chainsaws, big knives, high school babes and hunks dying in gory fashion, and each one of those annoying characters... well, they get it real good. Our feature today is the Scout Taylor-Compton 2019 slasher epic, "The Lurker," directed by Eric Liberacki...no, not the pianist guy.

Scout Taylor-Compton! She plays Taylor.  My goodness.  Okay, maybe she just got out of rehab or something, don't hate her because of this film. She's a high school student starring in the student production of "Romeo & Juliet." She's Juliet...a rather chunky Juliet, but there I go...can't go a sentence without body shaming someone, can I? Oh, she has a secret.  Secret is a relative term...everyone knows what it is and everyone is blackmailing her...and guess who begins dying?  Yep...her sultry classmates.  What is the secret? Or, non-secret? If everyone who knows is killed off, this will be the bloodiest slasher film of all time. That is what we are watching when we put this film on.

The Romeo of the play, a hunk named Miles (Michael Emery) knows the secret. He wants pre-marital sex with Taylor to keep it hush hush. His dad is played by Bruce Speilbauer...and you will want to jump into your TV screen and strangle him yourself.  Fear not...he won't last. Beheadings, throats slashed, guttings, and beautiful high school students getting their faces dumped in chemicals await. Oh, the production that stars Miles and Taylor? Well, Shakespeare is vomiting in his grave...you'll see as the most awkward dance scene will play out before your very eyes. 

Is Taylor the slasher or is that too easy?  What is Taylor's secret and how could it still be considered a secret if everyone knows what it is? Did anyone ever mention continuity during the production of this film? If you see Scout Taylor-Compton at a horror convention, do not mention this movie or she might have security remove you.  However, if you want a slasher film with dozens of gory kills and buckets of blood, see "The Lurker." 

The Beast of Borneo, Mad Scientist Searches for Missing Link

A mad scientist has almost explained evolution...he just needs one more link. The link? Yep, the proverbial missing link. Over the past 150 or so years, many have claimed to have found the missing link. The trash magazine (now E-Zine) Newsweek has a story once a year about how scientists have finally found the missing link proving Darwin correct.  PC academics have all but rid Darwin out of academic halls as too many uncomfortable questions are posed by this loon from the 19th century. In these films, when a mad scientist finds what he is looking for, you can believe some sultry blonde will be in big danger. Our feature today is 1934's "The Beast of Borneo," directed by Harry Garson.

Dr. Boris Borodoff (Eugene Sigaloff) needs a real ape.  More specifically, he needs the elusive Orang-Utan, which has just been spotted deep in Borneo's jungles.  Him and his babe blonde assistant, Alma (Mae Stuart) travel to Borneo to capture the ape. They try to hire the hunk hunter Bob (John Preston), but he isn't interested.  Never fear, Alma seduces him, and now Bob is on board. Alma!  Wow!  A real dish! She's blonde and we wonder if the elusive ape will pull her into the jungle, strip her, and awaken forbidden desires...taboo desires deep within her womanhood.  We wonder, but this film is from 1934...so we will continue to wonder. Bob agrees to take the mad scientist and Alma deep into the jungle of Borneo to trap the Orang-Utan. A team of natives will accompany them.  Here, we wonder if the natives, seeing a blonde babe for the first time, will drag Alma into the jungle, rip her clothes off, and awaken forbidden and taboo desires inside her being, and...well, this is a 1934 film, so never mind.

Bob and Alma fall in love.  At this point we wonder if Bob will gather Alma in his arms, strip her, pull her into the jungle, and awaken forbidden...okay, I need to stop this silliness, I know. Now Dr. Borodoff is set on doing weird brain experiments on the Orang-Utan.  Bob and Alma are horrified when they see the mad scientist's cranial saw.  Poor Borodoff, he really thought he had a shot at pulling Alma into the jungle, stripping her and awakening forbidden desires deep inside her womanhood.  Fat chance, she's way out of his league.  Bob's crush on Alma will put Bob in danger...and also the existence of the rarest of the rare primates.

Will anyone succeed in awakening forbidden instincts in the blonde babe who has been lured into this jungle?  Will the mad scientist succeed in doing brain surgery on the big ape?  Will Bob and Alma get together and engage in a semi-clean cut courtship?  This 1934 film is so much fun and we can only imagine what Roger Corman would have done with this plot, or The Asylum.  See "The Beast of Borneo," and pine for more beautiful blondes in forbidden jungle films. 

Hollywood Kills, Psycho Moviemaker

Erica and Lisa Kim. Hot Asian babes. In the film we're about to look at they play The Fantasy Twins. Alas, they are beautiful and interesting. Perhaps WOW or a revamped GLOW needs to hire them to be a tag team duo. So what do they have to do with today's film? That's debatable, but one may say "not much." Still, they are hot Asian babes that are in the film a lot. So here's to Erica and Lisa, may they show up as an Asian babe tag team duo in an upcoming women's wrestling circuit. Our feature today is the very grim and dark 2006 "Hollywood Kills," directed by Sven Pape.

Francis Fenway (Dominic Keating) is a horror movie maker. He owns a big building in which he has many sets. As the film begins, aspiring actress Sheila Monroe (Heather Sossaman) is tortured to death. So sad. Now Francis needs more actors and actresses to do this too. He's a psychopathic sadist. He scours trendy clubs and invites a select few to his set for an after-party. Aspiring babe actress Chantel Sholay (Gillian Shure), aspiring writer/director Sarah (Angela DiMarco), her brother James (Happy Mahaney), and his buddy Vaughn  (Mathew Scollon) are the "lucky" ones. They arrive and meet their host, Francis, and the two babes filming their every move, the aforementioned Fantasy Twins. Immediately they are drugged and each wake in a room where they will endure unimaginable torture and pain.

Vaughn must worry about castration from a hired prostitute (Jazmin Daley). This is a painful scene to watch. Chantel will be humiliated as she is forced to do a pole dance for a corpse then viciously raped by hunk actor Nick (Zack Ward). James? You'll see. Sarah? The most painful fate.  Think a lot of needles and her eyelids forced open with a couple of those needles. Francis seems to get off on pain, humiliation, and torture. The whacko moviemaker forces Sarah to watch as each of her buddies is beset by the torture.  Where does this all lead. Nope, this is not the feel good film of 2006.  Torture porn movies are rarely the feel good films of any year. You'll squirm and desire to see more of the Fantasy twins.

Is there a catfight brewing, maybe a tag team one, between the Fantasy Twins and Sarah and Chantel? Is it possible to humiliate an aspiring babe actress willing to do anything to get in a film? Will either of the hunks have what it takes to save the beset babes? This is an ominous and dark one. There will be no humor or wit...just gore and torture. Be warned. For a horrific horror film, with no amusement or brevity, see "Hollywood Kills."

Loop Track, Kiwi Nature Horror

New Zealand!  The land of that weird semi-fuzzy fruit and the cute Koala bear.  Wait...okay, the Koala bear is Australia, I'm told.  Australia that quaint little sister island of New Zealand! Today we look at an unsettling cinematic experience made by comedian Thomas Sainsbury...though there is no comedy in this one.  Just horror!  But what kind of horror?  Monster horror...or the psycho-lunatic kind of horror?  Hence our film from 2023, "Loop Track."

Ian (Sainsbury) arrives at Park Evers Forest for a hike. Why?  This is actually a good question and you'll see why. He embarks, not looking like he can make even a100 yards. Horrors!  Other hikers.  This unsettles him, but why?  Through no fault of his own, Ian meets up with three other very social and pushy hikers.  The annoying Nicky (Hayden J. Weal) is a bit too friendly and maybe a sex-maniac killer.  Then the goofy hiking couple Austin (Tawanda Manyimo) and his gal Monica (Kate Simmonds).  Though he doesn't want to, Ian is practically forced to join these other hikers.  People unsettle Ian who really believes some creature is following them.  But really, in one sense or another, don't we all have creatures tailing us. He tries to tell his new hiking companions this but they poo-poo him. The trio are good natured and try to assuage Ian's fears.

Uh oh...Ian finds proof that Nicky may have butchered two babe hikers. He tries to tell Austin and Monica...and they begin to believe him.  Unfortunately for the camp that thinks Ian is sane, the two would be dead hikers arrive all gleeful and ready for fun. Nicky forgives Ian but is he a killer.  Subtle signs, maybe too subtle, of a creature lurking in the forest following them. Now, the three hikers believe Ian is insane and unhinged.  The loner is, after all, claiming a monster is following them.  Then... carnage!  A lot of carnage!

Is Ian the monster who will prey upon his new hiking mates?  Is there anything lurking in the forest waiting to eat humans?  Will there be any pre-marital sex, catfights, or skinny-dipping in this Kiwi horror film or are New Zealanders boring prudes?  You will love where this one is going.  For some neat horror from a country that is trying to co-opt the Koala bear, see "Loop Track."  

The Haunting of Sorority Row, Sorority Babes Shredded by Ghost

This movie has an obvious appeal.  An uber cheesecake factor. Woke Hollywood has tried to get us to buy off on their version of beauty.  In actuality, it is hideousness.  Tattoos, blue hair, nose rings, other piercings, shaved heads...these are all the traits of monstrous women...despite what Hollywood tells us. But in 2007, wokeness was not yet here.  Thus our feature today gives us sultry women with no tattoos, piercings, or other sickening features.  Throw in a ghost with an agenda and we have "The Haunting of Sorority Row," directed by Bert Kish.

Delta Phi Theta is having pledge week.  Of note is Sam (Leighton Meester), a sultry pledge.  Her roomie is Jane (Kailin See), another hottie. Neither babe has monstrous maiming, nor do any of the babes in this film. Sorority president, the sultry Leslie (Lisa Marie Caruk) appears mean, but Sam has reason to believe she is actually sweet. Other sisters include the sultry Agam Darshi as Rachel, Meghan Ory as Amanda, and Elyse Levesque as Whitney. A ghost enters the plot and murders the sultry Nikki (Jessica Huras), the sorority mother. Then one by one the ghost goes after the sorority babes.  Ghost?  Yep, this won't be kept a mystery. During last year's pledge week, pledge Jena (Lara Gilchrist) was locked in a coffin and died of fright.  Leslie, Nikki, Rachel, and Amanda buried the body in the woods.

Yep...you see where this is going.  Alas, the beautiful will die horribly one by one at the hands of a very vengeful ghost.  So sad...but we guess they deserve it.  Sam seems to have some psychic connection to Jena and in her dreams she sees what was done to her.  As the babes begin dying horribly, Sam understands that people do change and not all the bad girls are still bad.  Now, with the help of her paranormal investigator boyfriend (Adrian Petriw)...don't ask... Sam just may be equipped to help save the surviving sorority babes.

Unlike many sorority horror movies, we actually develop a liking for some of the girls and desire them to survive until the end credits.  Will Sam engage in a catfight with the ghost of Jena in order to save some of her nubile buddies?  Will the sultry cast, since they're sorority babes, engage in either mud fights, group shower scenes, or skinny-dipping?  This is a predictable but eerie one.  Like I said, the babes in the cast are its big draw.  See "The Haunting of Sorority Row" and actually see some sorority babes you don't want to die horribly. 

Game of Death, Blood-Stained Babes and Hunks

Yep...through 99% of this film the babes and hunks in it are blood-stained.  Yep, as soon as their buddy's head explodes, the bikini clad and swimsuit clad cheese and beef in this film go about with bits of brain, blood, and bone dripping off their bodies.  We don't get enough movies featuring bikini babes dripping in blood, carrying guns, looking for schmucks to murder.  Hence our feature today.  One of the coldest, most deranged plots you will come across, 2017's "Game of Death," directed by Sebastian Landry and Laurence Morais-Legace.

Six bored college aged hunks and babes lounge around in bikinis and swim trunks. They partake in self-gratification, oral sex, prurient thoughts, beer, alcohol, and board games. Board games? Yep, someone finds one called Game of Death.  They play. Before long, they realize the game has a life of its own and tells these kids that 24 must die in an allotted time or they will be killed.  Beth (Victoria Diamond) is the weird beauty in the group and her boy toy is the refined Tom (Sam Earle). Matthew (Thomas Vallieres) is the just-tattooed hunk who is as cynical as his buddies about the veracity of the game. Then Matthew's head explodes.  Most of his brains explode onto his nubile bikini babe GF, Ashley (Emelia Hellman)...she is upset. Soon Tom figures out that the group must go out and kill someone every few minutes of one of their heads will explode.

Now the gang kills the neighbor...22 to go.  Onto the road they take this act in Tyler's (Erniel Baez) pizza delivery car.  They'll mow down joggers, and bludgeon park rangers.  The crew gets slow and bikini babe Mary-Ann's (Catherine Saindon) head explodes. 21 to go.  Okay...so where do we go from here.  Now four psychopaths with guns and tire irons are loosed on the world...and a limited time to kill over 20 peeps.  Uh oh...guess where they head next.  You will shudder to find out.  What happens next will be heartbreaking, infuriating, and perhaps stir some controversial discussion.  Ashley, with bits of her boyfriend's blood dripping off of her may just get a dose of morality...maybe. 

Will the blood-stained Ashley be able to stop her friends from finishing their goal of murdering 24 innocent people?  Just where does this crew end up in order to complete this deranged goal?  Is this film a low-budged remake of the Anthony Hopkins/Debra Winger spectacular, "Shadowlands"?  Bloody, demented, and alarmingly alluring, see a really sick one..."Game of Death."   

Blood Widow, Masked Murderess Shreds Hunks and Babes

You ever watch a film when you are cheering for the slasher? Yep...we all have. Maybe the hunks and babes who are preyed on by the killer remind us of our neighbors, people we went to college with, idiots we work with, or people in the Biden Whitehouse.  Today we have a film like that, though the great looking starlet in the film does cause us pause.  Today we look at the grim slasher film, "Blood Widow," directed by Jeremiah Buckhalt.

Without the benefit of clergy, our sultry protagonist Laurie (Danielle Lilley) moves into an old house in the woods with her boy toy, the dweeb Hugh (Brandon Kyle Peters). Hugh does have a saving grace...he owns a crossbow...yes! Laurie is a bit of a grouch and is not happy when the first night in their new house, he invites all his idiot friends over for a wild party with booze, techno-music, and illegal drugs. Oh, the friends discover an old mansion like estate next door. The place is creepy and is an abandoned Girls school. Abandoned? Yep, closed down when one of the little girls went spazoid and murdered a lot of other girls. Happens...you know girls. The party rages and the lone resident of the boarding school, the killer from 25 years ago, is mad at the noise.  Yep, the now adult killer dons a mask, grabs a sickle, and goes hunting for humans.

Laurie keeps yelling at Hugh. Their friend, the New Age idiot Harmony (Kelly Quinn) takes her crystals and Budha over to the abandoned school and gets sliced and diced. Then the Blood Widow killer comes over with her sickle and decapitates a couple of Hugh and Laurie's guests. Then the babe Amber (Emily Cutting), who we held out hope would seduce Hugh, is murdered with the sickle.  Then more of the annoying techno-music partiers are sliced and bled out. Blood Widow sees something in Laurie, knocks her out, brings her back to the girls school, chains her up and...well, it is pretty gory...you'll see.  Now Laurie is in much danger, and bleeding out. Hugh grabs his crossbow, and his other dweeb buddy, Kenneth (Chris de Padua) and storms over to the school in search for his bleeding out girlfriend.

Does Hugh have what it takes to fire a crossbow?  Will the chained up and tortured Laurie be able to recover to escape and help Hugh and Kenneth?  Is the sultry Laurie too beautiful to die at the hands of the Blood Widow? The ending may shake you up as gore and torture are maximized in the final 30 minutes. If you like your slasher films to include a fiend that slashes, and you like your horror films horrific and gory, see "Blood Widow."  

Lantern's Lane, Slasher vs. Three Babes and a Hunk

Just what we needed...a good 80s style slasher film. They need to make more of these here in the 2020s. True, this is not a perfect film. Experienced horror fans will know where this is going early on. Still, the cast is great looking giving this movie a high cheese and beef rating. Also, our slasher is a good old-fashioned slasher with a big knife, a mask, and long festering grudge. Our feature today is 2021's "Lantern's Lane," directed by Justin LaReau.

She's back! Yeah, not much personality, but she is quite the dish...Layla (Brooke Butler). Her tight jeans and top and wavy blonde hair are the highlight of this film. Sadly for her, she will now be in great peril. Leaving her friends, Layla moved to the city and did not make it. The failure, though sultry, has returned. Her bestie Missy (Ashley Doris) stayed in town, and is also a failure.  Missy also is clad in tight jeans and top...and is a skank cocktail waitress.  Layla and Missy have a forced tender reunion in the bar and are joined by hunk Jason (Andy Cohen). Uh oh...Layla's old BF (Robbie Allen) stops by and wisely has no interest in the sultry blonde anymore. We need a fourth...Shana (Sydney Carvill), sort of a strange babe but she also looks good in tight jeans. 

The now adults decide to relive old times and go to an old abandoned house way on the outskirts of town where a number of urban legends were inspired. They get there...the car dies...no one knows they're there... and no cell service. Wow...imagine that. Enter the masked killer with the machete and knife.  He attacks.  The gals and Jason will not fare well.  Bloodied and frightened the wounded quartet must barricade themselves inside the boarded up house. Now the killer has them just where he wants them. Wait!  We figure out a few things...and so does Layla. Now Layla, who might have failed at whatever she tried to do in the big city, smartens up and tries to save her buddies.  Wait!  Are Missy, Jason, and Shana really her buddies?

Is Layla too beautiful to be chopped up?  Are Missy and Shana really happy that Layla has returned from the city?  Just who has donned this mask and taken up a machete for homicidal purposes? Again, the cheesecake is the highlight of this slasher film. We cheer for Layla because...she is a babe. For some good old fashioned 80s slasher fare, see "Lantern's Lane."

Hell's Caretaker, Massacre in Vermont

Vermont!  Ick!  This state should be heralded, but its looney residents do everything they can to disgust most Americans.  This state gives us the nut-ball charlatan Bernie Sanders.  The millionaire hypocrite annoys everyone who works for a living taking tons of money from Big Pharma and yelling at us for not paying our fair share. Then there is this movie.  In the 2013 Philip Cappello film, we have the most annoying killer ever put on film.  The old geyser psycho will even play the bongo drums for us as he shares stories of smoking weed and reading old porn...you'll see. In fairness to our old killer, his victims are just as annoying, probably metaphors for Bernie Sanders.  Our feature today is "Hell's Caretaker." 

There is one character we like a lot, Isabella (Aya Beldi). The exotic horror film actress who is driven into the woods by the psycho caretaker (Patrick T. McGowan) after she gives us a nice shower scene. The caretaker will knife her in the back, rape her corpse, and bury her in a dog's grave...don't ask. Okay, a bunch of Vermont hunks and babes are gathered for their 10-year high school reunion. They will meet at Sam's (Joey Mintz) wilderness house which is tended to by a weird caretaker.  He is too helpful and always quick to offer assistance and advice. The youngsters merely want to smoke marijuana as this appears to be their mission in life. The caretaker, like us, is taken with the exotic beauty of Isabella, thus she needs to die.  Then the old fellow plays bongo drums for the group and keeps killing.

The caretaker seems to want the women, which won't bode well for the babe Mindy (Alexandra Mingione) and Fernanda (Jodi Lin). Ideally he wants to capture them and keep them as pets, locked in a closet.  The babes in this one are too frisky.  Unfortunately for the babes, the guys are Vermont guys.  This means they have the manhood and vigor of Bernie Sanders.  Right...the gals are doomed. The caretaker goes through Bernie Sanders voters like crap through a goose and we are grateful.  Still, babes are babes, and with Isabella murdered and raped, we do pull for Mindy and Fernanda.

Is the murder and rape of Isabella a metaphor for what Bernie Sanders desires for the American people? Do Mindy and Fernanda have prayer to make it to the end credits with Vermont dweebs as their protectors? Is having the psycho killer bang away at bongo drums during marijuana parties Vermont's version of a horror film trope? To understand why Vermont is failing and being left behind by America's resurgence, see "Hell's Caretaker."   

Super Shark, Jimmy JJ Walker vs. the Big Fish

Remember Jimmy "JJ" Walker? Dyno-Mite! Yep...him. He's in this...but we'll ignore him in favor of some of the best bikini talent ever put on film. More important than the has-been 70s "Good Times" star is the sultry Sarah Lieving, star of "King of the Lost World," as a bikini clad marine biologist. Oh, then there is Kimberly Dawn Guerrero as the winner of the bikini contest in this film...sadly, she'll be eaten...by a shark. Oh!  Sultry "Baywatch" types as lifeguards...Rya Meyers and Carolyn Martinez...they'll be eaten...also by the shark. Bikinis and teeth!  Yes! Oh, there is "Dukes of Hazard" star Jon Schneider! I know...how did you miss this one?  Today we look at the gratuitous T&A gore-a-thon, 2011's "Super Shark," directed by Fred Olen Ray.

The humongous Great White shark is loosed on the ocean by an irresponsible oil rig. It'll eat the rig, two SCUBA divers, and sultry bikini babe (Catherine Annette). Enter Kat (Lieving), our bikini clad government agent/marine biologist. She knows the oil company is responsible for the shark and investigates oil executive Roger (Schneider). Kat also attaches herself to boat captain Chuck (Tim Abell) and the two set sail to find the shark. Oh, lifeguards Tyler and Cali (Meyers and Martinez) will have some gratuitous scenes, including in a bikini contest hosted by Jimmy JJ Walker...and then get eaten...by a shark. Kat changes her bikini and finds out more about this 75-foot shark, what attracts it, and how it came to be. Oh! Jazzy (Kimberly Dawn Guerrero) wins the bikini contest. Her and the runner up (Syd Wilder) will then get eaten...by the shark.

Okay, the bikini babes go down and the sails go up.  Actually, it ain't the sails that go up but let us get away from this prurient talk. The navy is on it...and it will get eaten.  The army and air force move in, as well...and get eaten. Kat has an idea. A bad one. Roger drools over her cleavage thus is all in.  Kat and Roger now are the only ones standing in the way of the super-sized shark and all the sultry lifeguards, and bikini models on the West Coast. 

Just how does the bikini clad Kat plan to murder the monster shark?  Will there be any bikini babes in this film that will survive until the end credits?  Will this film be too busy with the shark to give us some nice catfights or mud-wrestling bouts?  This film is a hard hitting examination into the human condition.  Passion will collide with self-expression and cleavage buffs will clash with Hawaiian Tropic.  For a gratuitous expression of the female body and big fish...see "Super Shark."  

Mandrake, Icky Jungle Creature

The sultry actress, Jon Mack, is no stranger to icky creatures.  Just read this blog. Giant worms! Giant spiders! Fire breathing tarantulas! Monster trees with probing tentacle-roots! When I began this blog in 2013, the work of this fine actress/musician was instrumental in providing material for it.  "Mongolian Death Worm" is still one of my favorite reviews...and films.  "Lavalantula" is one of the most fun films on this blog. "Camel Spiders" is still one of the ickiest. Today we look at what may be the magnum opus for Ms. Mack...queen of the icky creatures...2010's "Mandrake," directed by Tripp Reed.  This jungle horror film shelves insects in favor of a vicious plant with probing roots. 

Spanish billionaire Vargas (Benito Martinez) hires a team headed by hunk McCall (Max Martini) and has them dropped in a South American jungle to find and retrieve an ancient sacred dagger. The dagger is guarded by a fierce tribe called the Umbali. Also on the team is babe anthropologist Felicia (Betsy Russell). Like marine biologists in these movies, anthropologists all are sultry.  On the ground, Vargas' basecamp is run by the babe Carla (Jon Mack). She's quite the dish too, but she actually looks like she knows what's going on. Poor Carla, she'll eventually get hauled off by the Umbali and subject to a monstrous and humiliating fate. Uh oh...something is in the jungle that does not want to give up the dagger.  We see a monster tree with tree roots used as deadly tentacles ready to rip apart any invader.

McCall's team is ripped apart one by one. Then the Umbali raid the basecamp and murder everyone except Carla...she's too sultry just to murder on the spot. Now Vargas and his team land and are also under siege from the tree thing. We remember the tree in "The Evil Dead" and wonder if Carla and Felicia will succumb to those roots the same way Ash's GF did. Now everyone is sweating and grunting as they try to find the dagger and avoid the creature and the Umbali.  Poor Carla...she sees what the Umbali want to do with her and makes a stab at escaping.  McCall grunts a lot...and Felicia sweats nicely.  As the invaders dwindle in number, we see why the Umbali do not want the dagger stolen.  The gals are sultry and lively and the men are hunks in this jungle horror epic.

Will Carla's fate be one of bloody humiliation at the hands of the Umbali and tree tentacles?  Will McCall succeed in finding the dagger?  Will Felicia, our babe anthropologist, find true love on this mission that is not wooden or has tentacles?  This is a fantastic creature film with sweaty babes and hunks that grunt.  For a great time on a Friday night horror movie watch party, see "Mandrake."

Blood Lust, Sultry Blonde Vampire

You need blood drawn? Go to a phlebotomist. Kind of like a vampire...they draw your blood.  Okay, so let us say the phlebotomist is a vampire...with fangs!  Now let's say she is a sultry blonde. I admit, the appeal of this idea does not match the idea for "Underworld" or "BloodRayne."  Still, we do have a pretty blonde with fangs, a vicious serial killer who also likes to drink blood, and a pathetic down on his luck detective.  Our feature today is 2023's "Blood Lust" (aka "Blood Thirst"), directed by Christopher McCleod.

Back in 1969, a sultry blonde hitchhiker, Vanessa (Lindsey Mitchell) is picked up by a sultry vampire, Layla (Dorothy Hadley Joly). Layla attacks and turns Vanessa into a vampire. Layla kills because she likes it.  Vanessa does not like killing humans and flees.  Present day, Vanessa is a phlebotomist and pays homeless peeps for their blood.  A win-win for all involved. Uh oh...Bento (Sky Crystal) is a serial killer who runs a comic book shop. He lures his victims into the back, knocks them out, and drinks their blood.  He's not a vampire but wants to be one.  His victims body parts start showing up in ditches and in the woods and now Detective Walker (Tim Michael Schmidt) is on the case.  Will coincidences never cease? Walker and Vanessa are neighbors.

Vanessa drinks blood she pays for, largely.  Of course when someone tries to rape her or mug her, she drinks their blood, too.  By accident, Bento finds out about Vanessa and wants her.  Vanessa meets Walker and kind of likes him...though if you ask me, she is out of his league. Bento sets his sights on Vanessa.  He even crafts a wooden stake and buys a hatchet.  Walker finds clues that will get him closer to Bento. Where is this all headed?  You'll see.

Just how does Bento plan on forcing Vanessa to turn him into a bloodsucker?  Will Vanessa help Walker solve the case or does she intend to dispose of Bento in dumpsters?  Does Bento have what it takes to defeat a babe vampire?  Stylish and grim, "Blood Lust" is a nice vampire film...with a babe vampire.

Brain Twisters, Video Games and Rage

Do video games alter the behavior of our youngsters?  The popular answer, an incorrect one, though, is yes they do. They fill the children with sexual deviance and rage.  Kids will have sex and brutalize one another the more they play these games.  Their minds are taken over and hyper-suggestion moves in and brings them to a more primitive, maybe carnal, mode of operation. However false this is, in 1991 this was a widely held belief.  Hence we look at 1991's "Brain Twisters," directed by Jerry Sangiuliano.

Dangerous experiments by a mad scientist! Yep, Dr. Phillip Rothman (Terry Londeree) is a brain doctor at a university.  This is convenient because he can hire babe coeds and hunk frat boys as his test subjects. Uh oh...murders and suicides start spiraling out of control on campus. As our film begins, a sultry jogger (Laurie Ann Hickey) is mowed down by another college kid. Rothman is a professor at the university and is also hired by a video game company to make video games addictive to youngsters so they will keep buying and playing them.  He tests images and colors on the college kids and turns them into homicidal beings.  The homicide aspect of all this is an unintended consequence...or is it? Laurie (Farrah Forke) is sad because she has known many of the babes who have been slaughtered by their boyfriends of late.  The boys...well, they commit suicide shortly after the murders.

Enter the hunk detective, Frank (Joe Lombardo). He suspects the mad scientist and has found out that Laurie is his new work-study student. Unintentionally, maybe, Rothman turns coeds and hunks into monsters.  In one case, Michelle (Donna Bostany) actually turns into a monster. Rothman is well connected to a super secret video game company that might be funded by the Department of Defense. As Frank falls in love with the nubile Laurie, so does Rothman.  Now Rothman, going more and more insane, is obsessed with Laurie and does not like it that she is falling in love with the cop. Yep, Laurie is in danger.  Uh oh...the weird corporation is ready to release new games upon the youth of America.

Just how ethical is it for a police detective to fall in love with a witness to one of his investigations, who is half his age?  As nubile babes are turned into homicidal monsters, is this a metaphor to what happens to coeds on college campuses today?  Is there a tag team match brewing between Rothman and Michelle in one corner and Frank and Laurie in the other?  This is a terrific techno-thriller from the early 90s with a nice cheese and beef factor.  See "Brain Twisters," and see the hunks and babes fall.    

10 Year Reunion, Caddiness and Catfights

Wow!  The catfight at the end of this film will forever be scorched on your brain. But let's discuss the star of our film, Kacey Clarke (many of you may know her as Kacey Barnfield). She is one of the sultriest actresses of the past 50 years, and an actress you may not know of. I'll remind you.  She was the bikini clad teen in "Lake Placid 3" who was chased through a supermarket by a giant croc.  She was that babe in the British TV show "Downton Abbey." She was eaten and spit out by mutants in "Resident Evil: Afterlife." Who can forget her as the swimsuit clad trophy wife of Iggy Pop in "Blood Orange"? Then there's today's catfight heavy film, 2016's "10 Year Reunion," directed by Jake Helgren.

Five giggly and sultry teens about to graduate from high  school and leave the town of Harmony.  They even give each other cuddle-hugs....gag! They love one another and will be friends forever...or do they? Abby (Abigail Klein) devises a time capsule and each will write a secret confession to be opened in 10 years. Hours after the box is buried, Abby dies mysteriously. 10 years later the four sultry friends return to Harmony. Carly (Clarke) is the only one of them that did not know a coroner's report suggests Abby was murdered. Patty (Kayla Ewell) is now a babe lawyer. Erica (Anya Engel) is a congressman's wife. They are hosted by Rose (Jillian Nelson).  The reunion starts out sweet...then five minutes go by. Carly, finding out that Abby was poisoned 10 years ago is determined to find her killer.  Her three mates...they would prefer Carly not uncover the truth.

Secrets are revealed, but not the big one.  The revealed secrets suggest that all the friends had reason to murder Abby...even Carly. Enter a masked figure who is determined not to let the time capsule be found.  He, or she is so determined to keep the confessions in the time capsule secret that the gals begin meeting with gory demises.  One by one secrets are revealed.  Bloody secrets.  Carly puts herself in mortal danger by refusing to give up her quest for the truth.  Then...eventually...the catfight!  You won't believe such a masterful piece of cinema could have been choreographed, but anything with Miss Clarke in it will be such a beautiful thing.

The actresses in this film are sultry and play to the camera so well.  Like a good Giallo film, being beautiful may be their death knells. Is there a confession buried in the capsule that will reveal the killer? Will Carly be disfigured by hedge clippers or bloody shovels? You'll see.  Will Abby have anything to say about this from the grave?  For a movie that will throw sultry babes in mortal danger at you in mass, see "10 Year Reunion."