The Raking, The Beast of Joshua Tree

Can't blame him.  A young Teaching Assistant (TA) at a university banging a sultry blonde coed.  Why else become a TA?  These unbalanced relationships always work out so well.  Both parties benefit.  The TA gets a nubile dame out of his league.  The ditzy coed gets an A.  Win-win!  Throw in a monster, and you might get something else...a morality tale.  Today we look at 2017's monster film, "The Raking," directed by Bryan Brewer.

 After a vicious opening scene when a young couple is shredded by a monster in the desert of Joshua Tree, we meet Kennedy (Cree Kelly).  She is in the throes of passion in her dorm room with TA Mr. Cooper (Brewer). She is quite a bit younger but we are sure she is mature for her age even though this is not readily apparent in this film.  Still...she is quite the babe. Kennedy and her roomie, Jade (Allie Rivera Quinonez) are in the same class.  Jade is a witch...as are many coeds on campuses today. The babe duo have a third member of their small group, Noah (Thatcher Robinson).  The group project needs one more...Mr. Cooper, the TA, is brought in.  Ha!  Think Kennedy will get an A?  The project? You guessed it. Find an urban legend, go into the field, and investigate it.  The legend chosen is the creature roaming the desert near Joshua Tree. The team will go there and investigate.  This won't go well.

Also along is a stowaway in the back of Cooper's car, Jade's sister Kelly (Marisa Davila).  She'll be eaten first, so let us not mention her again.  Minutes after arrival in the desert, the creature attacks, eats Kelly... no great loss... and necessitate an old weird guy to save them. Enter James (Marshal Hilton), he knows about the creature.  It is driven off by light and only comes out once a year.  He and the group must survive until sunrise.  The creature is getting smart, and not all will survive.  Noah develops a crush on Jade.  Jade soon forgets about her annoying sister and yells at everyone.  Cooper drools over Kennedy...so do we.  Kennedy tries to further seduce Cooper.  James rethinks his respect for the American higher education system.  The creature closes in...and it is hungry.

Will Jade and Noah also get an A on this project?  Will  the monster want to get in on the action Cooper is getting from Kennedy?  Will Jade do anything useful and cast some spell on the invading monster?  This is a good one with a nice cheese factor.  Ultimately a morality tale, see "The Raking" and rethink going to college if you don't have what it takes to seduce a TA. 

Stag Night, Cannibals in the Subway Tunnels

In a good metaphor for what New York City has become, we have a gory film today.  Picture "The Taking of Pelham One Two Three" meshed with "C.H.U.D." Throw in some babes and hunks...and machete wielding cannibals who want to eat them, and we have poetry.  Sure, not too original and tropes are ever present.  However, if you were forced to watch a Stanley Kubrick film or a Meryl Streep bore-a-thon in recent days, take this film as therapy.  Our feature today is 2008's "Stag Night," directed by Peter A. Dowling.

She's sultry.  Covered in sweat and blood.  The blood is probably a mix of hers and her now eaten boyfriend's.  Alas, this formerly perky blonde, in a shredded party dress, is dragged back into the subway tunnels to be eaten and raped.  This is a heartbreaking opening scene.  Okay, Mike (Kip Pardue) is out on the town with his buddies.  He's getting married and this is his stag party. His worthless and troublemaking brother Tony (Breckin Meyer) is with him as are two other hunk friends. After getting thrown out of a strip joint, they team up with the sultry Brita (Vinessa Shaw) and her buddy Michele (Sarah Barrand). Yep, Michele is sixth in the credits, so when they inevitably all end up in the subway tunnels, don't ask how, she and one of the hunks will be hacked up and eaten first.  Now all the others are on the run from machete wielding cannibal brutes...a foreshadowing of Governor Kathy Hochul and Mayor Adams and their sanctuary city policies?

The fiends have the advantage and pick off the good looking twenty-somethings one by one.  Brita and Mike step up and try to lead the survivors to a non-abandoned station.  Soon they realize they will have to fight the beasts.  The fiends are hungry and mad at any one showing privilege...wokeness came to the New York underground even back in 2008.  Brita is quite capable and we all hope Mike will choose her over his current fiancé. He may not get a chance to make this choice as the monsters have their eyes on Brita as breeding stock.

Will Mike, Brita, and anyone else get out of these forbidden subway tunnels alive?  Do these twenty-somethings have it coming, being stupid enough to ride the New York City subways at night? Has anything good ever happened to hunks and babes in these films after they come out of strip clubs?  See "Stag Night" and keep out of New York City.  You have been warned. 

Behave, Or Die

Alright!  Another tough one to defend.  The cheese-factor is high, and so is the deviance...so I will defend it.  Death count?  A good one, indeed. A plot centering on a psycho-slasher, and a group of 19 and 20 year old college babes and hunks being protected from him by learning manners.  Come on, an A for originality.  Putting fungus in spaghetti sauce is also original, but that does not make it desirable.  What does make it desirable are babes and hunks, engaging in prurient activities (including underage drinking, oh my!) and in peril is desirable.  Let us look at 2024's "Behave," directed by Francesco Gabriele.

The very pretty Sophie (Naomi Ost) makes out and swaps spit with her hunk BF (Jared Kaya) during a lecture. I get it...instead of fantasizing...just do it. Anyway, she is gutted and slashed walking home from the lecture...happens. A killer is on the loose, enter Polly (Georgia Viero), a hot mom with a hot French accent.  Wanting to protect Sophie's buddies, and her son Andrea (David Bourne) from the psycho, she invites them all to a retreat at a mansion that is supposedly haunted. Don't ask. This weekend has an added bonus. Podcaster Nancy (Stacy Thunes) is also invited. Billions around the world listen to her podcast on manners and etiquette.  Polly will have her spend the weekend teaching the kids about manners. This won't go well, as the almost octogenarian Nancy is a raging nymphomaniac and will seduce young Callum (Washim Abdul Gafoor). Kind of an icky scene   unless you like Depends and Geritol.

The gals! Hot lesbians India (Lauren Pepler) and Keira (Ema Kosac) are both two-timers. Keira has eyes on Andrea and India has another babe on the side. Andrea, has eyes for Keira. Oh, India's sister, the hot 16-year old Lily (Eleonora Bindi) asks too many questions and has eyes for the creepy gardener Charles (Christian Vit). Uh oh...the killer arrives.  Nancy does her best to teach the kids how to set a place setting at the dinner table. Only Callum is interested as he has a thing for octogenarians...ick! The kids find the booze.  India and Keira find a bed to snuggle in.  Polly is in awe of Nancy.  Nancy sneaks more young, brutish hunks in to bang. India keeps looking so alluring.  Then one by one...you can guess.  So sad.

Is anyone in the house the killer?  Is there a shower scene brewing between India and Keira, or, Heaven forbid, Nancy and Callum?  Is the creepy gardener going to commit statutory rape with Polly or take the hedge clippers to her? This is a fun one, and the cheese is fine.  For a non defendable good time, see "Behave."

Ape vs. Monster, The Ultimate Fight

Good news!  The giant Gila monster in this film looks like Godzilla.  The bad news!  Its the Godzilla from that Matthew Broderick movie from the 90s.  The giant creature is supposed to be the villain, but we cheer for it.  See, all the characters in this 2021 film are incompetent, stupid, waste-oids of government employees.  The exact employees Elon Musk and DOGE are trying to save us from.  Our feature today is "Ape vs. Monster," directed by Daniel Lusko.

A joint venture between Vladimir Putin and George W, Bush sends a space capsule into...well, space. Aboard is Abraham, a chimpanzee.  The capsule gets lost. No big deal, its not like it cost trillions in taxpayer funds...oh, wait!  Well, back to the plot. 15 years later the capsule crashes into New Mexico with a green space ooze on it. The ooze causes Abraham to grow to the size of King Kong.  A Gila monster comes along and sips some of the ooze and now it is the size of Godzilla. NASA, or NSA (they go back and forth as to which agency it is) agent Linda (Arianna Reneee) is an angry young woman who is mad at everything and everybody except the monsters.  The ape is captured and she gives it a stuffed bear. It escapes and heads to Washington, DC...probably looking for USAID money.

Guess what!  After eating army men, the giant Gila monster heads to DC.  Oh, Eric Roberts is the director of NASA, or is it NSA, and he is the only person in this film with brains. Oh, you'll like this, the Russians send Eva (Katie Sereika) to help out.  She has a helicopter gunship which she loves firing.  She is also an old friend of Linda's from Oxford. The fact that these two babes got into Oxford shows us DEI was alive and well, up until a month ago.  The two bicker and Eva keeps shooting missiles that don't work against the Gila monster.  Linda keeps trying to get her bosses to spare the ape and communicate with it. There is a very humorous scene at the 82 minute mark of the film when Eric Roberts asks, "Where is my simian?"  So as not to go against any social media community standards, I will not describe it...you can see for yourself. 

Will Eva and Linda end up in a shower together, or will they square off in a catfight?  Will the Gila monster and the ape end up in a final battle to the death?  Is that scene that begins at the 82 minute mark the reason why this film was never released to major audiences?  See "Ape vs. Monster" and enjoy a film, that if made 40 years ago, would have appeared on MST3K.  

Cupid, True Love Hurts

We have a good one...very gory, too, today.  When a medical school dropout runs into the room with a hacksaw determined to amputate...we know good things will follow.  Then, as far as imaginative kills, how about the lovely Lina (Kelly Juvilee)?  She'll get it with a...cookie-cutter!  Yes!  She will be made into cookies and served to her babe and hunk friends during a Valentine's Day dance.  The idiots will claim the cookies taste like chicken.  Yep, today we will look at 2020's "Cupid," directed by Scott Chambers.

As our film begins a demonic Cupid arrives. Sadly, his first kill is the noble babe, Denise (Megan Lockhurst). She'll get an arrow into her eye and through the brain. So sad. Okay, Faye (Georgina Jane) is a high school student with a crush on her teacher, Mr. Jones (Michael Owuso). She has a book of spells and puts a love curse on him which does not seem to work. She is detested by cool girl, and mega-bitch Elise (Sarah T. Cohen). Elise has a plan to humiliate Faye.  She steals Mr. Jones' phone and sends Elise erotic messages.  Faye believes she is receiving the messages from her hunk teacher. Oh, yeah. Mr. Jones and fellow teacher, and blonde bombshell Miss Drake (Abi Casson Thompson) actually do have a thing going. Now Elise posts pics, sent by Faye, and the pics go viral.  There will be a lot more, but take my word for it, Faye is humiliated in front of the entire school.

Angry and embarrassed, Faye conjures Cupid.  The now demon shows up with a bow and arrow and begins murdering all of Faye's classmates. The aforementioned Lina will get it first.  Now, on the day of the dance, Elise's buddies begin dying at the hands of the demon.  Weapons used by this fiend will include Valentine's Day cards (think papercuts to the throat), cookie cutters, arrows, etc.  Now the surviving students and teachers are locked in the school as the demon Cupid roams the halls, hunting them.  One by one, the students and teachers fall. Oh, yeah...Matt (Ali Barouti) is a classmate of Faye's who has a secret crush on her.  Unbeknownst to Faye, Cupid is also after him. Now Faye and her classmates figure out what is occurring and the mates are not happy with Faye.

Can Faye reverse the curse before Cupid gets everyone?  Is there a nice catfight brewing between Miss Drake and Faye?  Is there a very special death being saved for the evil Elise?  This is a gory one and the death count is high.  For an anti-romance, anti Valentine's Day horror epic, see "Cupid."  

Operation Blood Hunt, Werewolves of World War 2

Okay, this may be a difficult film to defend. Still, we have a lot of werewolves ripping Japanese and American GIs to shreds.  Pulling out their internal organs, backbones, swatting their heads off...good gore, in other words. Then we have a sultry South Pacific island princess who also changes into a werewolf.  Okay, stop in!  No PMS metaphors here.  Today we will look at a film directed by Louis Mandylor, 2024's "Operation Blood Hunt."

Here is the plot...not that it will help. A haunted OSS operative, Murphy (Jonathan Rhys Meyers) during World War 2 runs a bar. A Nazi vampire (Mandylor) storms in and is beaten into submission by Murphy and his two sultry, corset clad bar wenches (Emma Lund and Alejandra Norris). Then Rev (Quinton "Rampage" Jackson) arrives and skewers the vampire on his sword.  The wenches and Murphy continue to torment the Nazi. Fast forward, Rev is sent to a pacific island with a commando team of US marines. His desire is to learn of his dad and why he went there and probably died there. The island is terrorized by werewolves and the fiends have shredded all the Japanese and U.S. soldiers.

Okay, a sultry princess, Heirani (Sonia Couling) goes through a ceremony and becomes a femme werewolf. Now she and an alpha werewolf (Stratos Cristos Maygias) terrorize the Rev and the commando unit.  One by one, the GIs fall to the monsters.  Back at home, Murphy spies on the spies and figures out the OSS does not plan to extract his buddy when the mission is complete.  The GIs find gold and try to take it, but the werewolves converge.  More heads will be swatted off.  More limbs will be pulled off.  More spines will be torn out. The Rev will get to use his silver crossbow and shotgun with silver bullets.  Those weapons just about even the score.

I dare you to tell me I did not do a good job at informing you of the plot.  If you think that, watch the film.  All that aside, this is a neat werewolf film with a lot of carnage, gore, and grunting.  It also has a nice Film Noir feel to it.  For something a little different, or a lot different, see "Operation Blood Hunt."  

Bummer, A Rock Band and the Groupies They Love

Oooh!  This one won't end well.  This is hardly a spoiler.  From the outset you will see where this is headed. What makes this even more difficult is the fact that the victims will be nubile, and often nude, babes. The groupies are sultry, and often nude (did I mention that?), and so willing to perform for the "musicians" that seek their intimacy.  Our feature today is the dark exploitation film, 1973's "Bummer," directed by William Allen Castleman. 

Duke (Kip Whitman) is the lead "singer" of a band called "The Group."  Wow...how did he come up with that? Perhaps he lost a bet. He has three mates, Gary (David Buchanan), Mike (David Ankrum), and Butts (Dennis Burkley). The problem...Butts. The behemoth of a guitarist is unstable...subject to temper outbursts of violence. He has mommy issues and his mom (Kate Monahan) loves giving him sensual massages. Enter three sultry groupies.  The rich gal Barbara (Connie Strickland), Dolly (Diane Lee Hart), and Janyce (Carol Speed). They hook up with The Group. See the problem?  Hint...Four musicians...three babes. Do the math.  Butts does the math and sees himself as a fifth wheel.  Using his brawn, he grabs Barbara and Dolly, strips them, hauls them into a shower, puts on the cold water, makes them soap each other down, and whacks off to the spectacle.  Do the gals storm out after that? No!  Idiots!

Yep...the nudity, pre-marital sex, and bad music will be thrown at us.  Duke refuses to listen to his band members and see Butts as a danger.  Duke continues boinking Dolly, Mike boinks Janyce, and Gary boinks Barbara.  Butts only has the intimacy of his...mom. Butts will rape a groupie in Bakersfield, but Duke will look the other way.  Why?  Who knows? Then this all comes to a bloody and vicious head, as Butts can control himself no longer around the trio of sultry groupies.  Vicious and bloody will be the key words for the last third of the film.

Will any of these nubile, if not slutty, groupies survive the wrath of Butts?  Just why won't Duke see the light and get rid of Butts?  Has anyone suggested singing lessons to this quartet of miscreants?  See "Bummer" and be bummed out.  Not the feel good film of 1973...though was anything in 1973 "feel good"?