The Fiend of Dope Island, The Yugoslavian Bombshell in Peril

The Yugoslavian Bombshell!  Yes...the one and only Tania Velia!  She'll dance...she'll love...she'll skinny dip...she'll be imperiled by a maniacal island narcotics lord.  One wonders if a modern day renaissance of Tania Velia will inspire central Europeans to put Yugoslavia back together. As Russia conquers The Ukraine, and NATO and the U.S. military cower under their bunks, is this the opportunity the old Yugoslavia was waiting for?  Tania Velia!  A face that could launch a thousand ships...and a body that can call them all back!  Today we look at 1960's "The Fiend of Dope Island," directed by Nate Watt.

Charlie (Bruce Bennett) is a crime lord that rules a small Caribbean island with a whip and a gun.  He has enslaved the peaceful islanders to work in his marijuana fields.  He then supplies the weed to international buyers.  David (Robert Bray) is the handsome field boss who often conflicts with Charlie. Charlie has hired a dancing gal to come to the saloon he runs.  Glory La Verne (Velia) believes she has accepted a job in the Caribbean in which she will entertain a lot of international businessmen. In reality, Charlie has brought her to the island to entertain only him and serve as his love toy.  The two clash right away. Only David's chivalry and heroism prevent her from being whipped by Charlie.  Still...Charlie does find opportunity to violate her and force her to dance provocatively for him.

Charlie continues to whip islanders, sell his crops, and molest Glory.  Now David has had enough.  He has fallen in love with Glory...and she him.  Glory has also won the hearts of all the islanders with her kindness and beauty.  Now it is time for an island rebellion.  Charlie has the whip and a rifle...the islanders have spunk and Glory's affection.  Glory will skinny dip and entangle herself with David in the surf.  Charlie will use this distraction and make his own move on the rebellious forces. 

Will an island, inspired by beauty and exotic dancing, find the courage to free themselves from a drug lord with a whip?  Will Glory ever get hold of the whip and change her act to one of...actually, never mind...this question was going to be prurient in nature.  Will Glory start a movement in central Europe that will see the reunification of Yugoslavia?  The geo-political ramifications of this film could be great if it gets a wide release here in 2024 or 2025.  See "The Fiend of Dope Island," and grab your AK-47, fly to central Europe...and fight for The Yugoslavian Bombshell!    

The Elf, Depressing Christmas Horror

Okay...I know.  This isn't the most inspiring horror film ever made.  The characters? Sure...we want them all to die.  Annoying, shrill, and stupid.  The family portrayed has as much tenderness as a seasick crocodile.  Still...there's that one scene.  The Christmas carolers scene.  How beautiful it was. An out of tune choir of nerds singing Christmas carols we have never heard of.  The singers, dweeb men and dweeb women, unable to develop a third chord (or even a 2nd chord), butchering holiday music on the front stoop of a sad house filled with sad people.  What can save a movie?  Yes!  Homicidal strings of Christmas lights!  Christmas lights that strangle, electrocute, and impale with icicles.  Buy those at Home Depot next year!  Today we look at 2016's "The Elf," directed by Tristan Price.

Victoria (Natassia Halabi) is a babe with a useless boyfriend.  See, Nick (Gabriel Miller), a sad hunk, killed his dad on Christmas when he was nine.  Yep, stabbed the old guy dozens of times and then stabbed his mom in the face a dozen times.  Victoria thought it would be a good idea to date him.  The mental health system in this country is so good...why not?  But wait?  Is that what happened?  See, an ancestor of Nick was a toymaker who created an elf doll that came to life.  The elf had a knife and went homicidal when evil forces breathed life into it.  That's Nick's story and he's sticking to it.  Many years later, Nick and Victoria are engaged and have brought a weird green house together. 

Okay, Victoria, knowing Nick hates Christmas, invites her whole family over for a Christmas Eve party. Oh, the family hates Nick.  I will say that Victoria's sister, Tiffany (Lisa May), is a babe who has "I'M GOING TO DIE A HORRIBLE DEATH" written all over her. The shrill family seem like they are there for an intervention.  Then comes the little elf doll with his little knife.  One by one, in gory fashion, the elf offs the shrill family.  Then the Christmas caroler scene...and we cheer.  Call it holiday cheer.  The little elf has no mercy, not even for the beautiful.

Is the elf really the killer, or is Nick sick in the head?  Does Tiffany stand a chance at surviving the knife wielding Santa's helper?  Even without the elf or the murders, is Victoria's family right about Nick? Twists abound and the elf's little knife will make you smile.  You'll never go caroling again after seeing this film. For a wooden Christmas horror film with a saving scene, see "The Elf."  

Monster Man, Two Hunks and a Babe Hunted by Maniac

This one was made in 2003!  Why haven't I seen it until now?  How could I have missed it?  A pinch of "Jeepers Creepers," a pinch of "Texas Chainsaw Massacre," and a pinch of "Frankenstein" gives us the Michael Davis film, "Monster Man." Gory to the max with a big old monster truck, driven by a big old monster man, hence the title. Heads will be run over, torsos will be crushed, limbs will be amputated, and a sweet virgin boy will be de-virginized by a major league babe!  This one is soooo good!

Adam (Eric Jungmann) believes he is driving to a friend's wedding. The kid is a virgin and very clean cut. Surprise!  His former best friend Harley (Justin Urich) has snuck in the back seat and surprises him. Harley is no virgin.  The crude best buddy wants to go to the wedding, too, and have vicious sex with the bride. Uh oh...Adam and Harley become frightened when two vehicles begin following them. One, a menacing hearse with tinted windows.  More ominous is a menacing big black monster truck that tries to run them off the road.  When the truck does run them off the road, the two buddies try to borrow gas from a van, not realizing a decapitated schmuck is dead inside. They continue on and find sultry hitchhiker , Sarah (Aimee Brooks).  She is not a virgin...there is little doubt here. The babe takes a liking to Adam.

Now the monster truck and hearse keep appearing and chasing these three.  The truck crushes other schmucks along the way and the trio can't shake it.  During respite from the deadly chase, Sarah successfully seduces Adam and the two engage in incredibly awkward pre-marital sex.  Harley is beside himself, but takes it well.  Uh oh...the fiend who drives the monster truck shows himself, and he is a monster (Michael Bailey Smith), indeed. Now he appears to be ready for the kill and gains on them as they speed down a weird country road into a weird ghost town.  Hence the final 25 minutes of this film.  Wow!  Twists, turns, and unimaginable gore.  That's it...no spoilers here...but wow!

Will Adam and Sarah have a shot at more mainstream deviant pre-marital sex?  Will Harley live to bang the bride at the wedding they are supposedly going to?  Just who is this monster in the truck and what does he want from our three youngsters?  Gore, sex, and more gore!  For a really neat horror film with some nice twists (some you will see coming), see "Monster Man."

Cash on Demand, Peter Cushing in A Christmas Carol

Hammer Films does Charles Dickens' "A Christmas Carol"? Peter Cushing as Scrooge? Old England on Christmas Eve, snow falling, and a bank manager with no patience for that old Christmas spirit. Well, that's what we have...sort of.  In the style of an Alfred Hitchcock film, an old Hammer Films entry from 1961, "Cash on Demand," directed by Quentin Lawrence.

Fordyce (Cushing) is trying to remain calm as his bank staff seems pre-occupied with the Christmas party that will occur after banking hours, and after he leaves. No nonsense, Fordyce runs a tight ship and tolerates no discrepancies. Even though it is the day before Christmas he calls his assistant manager in to the office.  Pearson (Richard Vernon) has been a loyal employee for years. Still, Fordyce dresses him down and threatens to fire him for a 10-pound book keeping error.  Remember this scene. Enter Colonel Gore Hepburn (Andre Morell). Think of the ghost of Christmas past...same thing. Only, the good Colonel is not a colonel...he's a suave bank robber with a great plan. Hepburn advises Fordyce his men are at his home and will murder his wife and boy if he does not cooperate.  What does Hepburn want? All the money in the vault.

Hepburn looks the part. He is masquerading as an insurance examiner at the bank to inspect security measures.  Only Fordyce knows he is a thief. Hepburn is suave and gets on Fordyce for browbeating his employees on Christmas time,. He even gets on Fordyce for not contributing to his bank's Christmas party. However sentimental Hepburn is, he is also brutal. A call to Fordyce's home proves that this thief is sincere about murdering the bank manager's wife and child. Hepburn is also a task master. Every part of this robbery has been planned.  It looks as if this guy will get away with all the money in the bank in five large suitcases. Fordyce is terrorized at what Hepburn may have done to the wife and child. Hepburn is also eager to humiliate this 'Scrooge" like figure. Then... Well, you'll see.

Like any early Hammer Film, the level of suspense is at its maximum.  Will Fordyce repent and become a metaphorical Santa Claus?  Will Hepburn really get away with all the spoils in the bank vault? Are Pearson and his co-workers really so browbeaten that they have no idea the bank is being robbed? This is a fun one and also appropriate for the entire family. Peter Cushing is sensational, as always, and Andre Morell as the suave and likable thug is also magnificent. See "Cash on Demand" and reconsider how you treat those in your life who are subservient to you.   

Planet of the Sharks, Jacques Cousteau's Prophecy

I know. He was an idiot.  But!  He spoke with a French accent so people pretended he was smart.  According to Jacques Cousteau, by 1980 all the oceans would be a lifeless black goo. He said this in 1972. Ted Danson predicted the oceans would be gone by the early 1990s.  Global Warming apologists always get it wrong.  Here in 2024, people are finally dropping their belief in this junk science.  However, in 2016, as a tip of the hat to the 1968 Charlton Heston classic, "Planet of the Apes," the Asylum one-upped it with the 2016 film, "Planet of the Sharks," directed by Mark Atkins.

Okay...don't yell at me.  Really...this film has merit. Caroline Munro is in it and she swaps a lot of spit with a phony Japanese pseudo-hunk.  I'm only being a little deceptive...Caroline Munro is the name of a character played by the very lovely and charming Christia Visser. The movie?  Fine, here goes. Global warming has caused all the land masses to submerge and temperatures to rise. An alpha shark controls every shark in the ocean and begins wiping out floating cities.  The few survivors are idiots, though the female scientists are babes. Dr. Shayne Nichols (Stephanie Beran) works for Dr. Shaw (Lindsay Sullivan), and so does Dr. Munro.  The plan is to build a rocket that will blow up the sun, fire a laser past the clouds, and blow up a volcano.  Right!  Doing this, if successful, will bring land back.

As sharks eat humans in the cities, Barrick (Brandon Auret) has a boat in which he helps the babe scientists.  There are other guys in this film...but who cares.  Shayne will utilize parasailing to blow up the volcano.  Will this work?  Why wouldn't it?  Barrick will kamikaze a tsunami...who wouldn't?  Munro will swap spit with a dweeb with a Japanese name (John B. Swart).  The sharks eat a helicopter out of the air and come after the survivors.  The toothy fish should beware...the humans have harpoons.  Oh, I didn't mention D'Amato (Angie Teodora Dick)...she's a real dick, but we like her.  No matter, she'll be eaten early on after doing a weird shark dance.

If the humans survive, which male will get to repopulate with Caroline Munro?  Is this the film that should have been made instead of the slightly overrated 1968 so-called ape classic?  Is this film the legacy of the blowhard oceanographer Jacques Cousteau?  If you like films from The Asylum that appeared on Syfy, check out "Planet of the Sharks."   

Mountain Shark, When Tremors Meets Jaws

If you had any doubt as to the impotence of NATO, see today's film. Our feature today presents the most accurate image of NATO and its troops. As the alliance runs away from any skirmishes with Russia, their brass dine in luxury in fancy restaurants in Belgium.  With NATO protecting western Europe, you folks in Germany, France, and England better brush up on your Russian. Today we look at the film Steven Spielberg wanted to make before his budget was scaled down, 2024's "Mountain Shark," directed by Greg Ak.

Okay, a secret weapons experiment in a mountain base in England, sees a mad scientist, Dr. Eric Nesbitt (Stephen Samson), and the babe Major Hawkes (Angela Wilding) creating the ultimate killing machine. A genetically engineered shark that swims underground in the mountains.  The shark gets out of hand and eats hikers. Hawkes calls in five elite commandos who specialize in tracking down weapons that get out of hand.  Don't ask.  The five commando idiots show up...what losers!  The commander is Walker (Stephen Staley), a coward.  Two un-passionate lesbians, Gina (Ema Ekaete) and Paige (Julia Quayle), and cold-fish Lauren (Emily Felicia Moore) round out the team...incompetents!  They scare easy and are real stupid.  In their briefing with Major Hawkes, she tells them they cannot be informed about what this weapon is.  Apparently knowing about it will make them easier for the thing to hunt them down.  The fools buy this.

The plan for Hawkes and Nesbitt is to have the commandos eaten by the monster shark. Then the duo will tell command all about the shark. Huh? Go with it.  The shark continues eating hikers.  Paige makes a move on Gina who is not in the mood.  Lauren has a great scene in which she imitates a statue. Nesbitt goes bananas. Walker engineers a haggard retreat.  Yep...NATO!  The shark? It roars, it eats, it seems unstoppable.  This is okay with us as we are rooting for it, even though it is a non-vague metaphor for Vladimir Putin's Russia.  As NATO falls, we cheer.  

Will any of our British commandos survive, make it back to England, and file a complaint against the shark for racism or sexual harassment?  Does Britain stand a chance as we progress through the 21st century?  Is Britain taking cues from the U.S. Army on recruiting strategies?  You'll love the shark.  You will love the ending.  Annoyed by leftists who drive Toyota Prius'?  You must see this movie.  See "Mountain Shark," and then order Rosetta Stone and learn Russian. 

Cannibal World, Gratuitous Nudity and Gore in the Amazon

Any redeeming qualities? Nope.  Gore...nudity...extreme gore while nude...you have been warned.  We also have catfights, babes competing in bikinis, seduction, and gore.  Oh, I said gore again...sorry.  Shot in The Philippines, set in the Amazon jungle, no other film has captured the ethos of Brazil and its people better than 2004's "Cannibal World," directed by Bruno Mattei. Oh, yes...the dubbing makes this a classic Euro-Trash gore-fest.

Grace (Helena Wagner), an info-babe/reporterette is about to have her show cancelled due to falling ratings. The sexpot with a microphone has an idea. Join up with her former lover and colleague in the Amazon and go look for cannibals.  Bob (Claudio Morales) is a hunk and needs dinero, thus he agrees. Also along is the often nude Cindy (Cindy Jelic Matic), and camera guys Ted (Antoine Reboul) and Ricky (Kevin Maxwell). The quintet head into the river and jungle and find natives...just not cannibals.  You know reporterettes...they do fake news well.  With some hearty editing, the TV audience will see cannibals.  Then...to Bob's surprise the cannibals show up. Grace strips her bikini and persuades their Indian guide to take them deep into cannibal territory.

Okay, you can probably guess...the cannibal gore will be extreme, especially with the big breasted nubile natives.  Guts are pulled out.  Heads are cracked open like walnuts and brains pulled out.  I won't go on, but what happens on the screen will cause you to cover your eyes.  Then, Grace, Bob, and crew get stupid.  For ratings purposes they engineer a war.  Now the quintet is on the run from these hungry and angry cannibals.  Nudity and gore will continue.  The big breasted Cindy and Grace will have something else to worry about...as cannibalistic natives are just like horny western thugs.  

Will Bob, Grace, and crew survive the cannibals?  Will Grace and Cindy catfight and passionately make-up with one another?  Will the cannibals spare the big breasted babes for other purposes?  Gory and very gratuitous.  Nudity galore.  You have been warned.  For a prurient film with no redeeming social value, see Bruno Mattei's "Cannibal World."