Ape vs. Mecha Ape, ASMR Coach and Her Gorilla

Wow!  A gorilla named Abe, is sent into space (don't ask why) and something goes wrong. The primate is infested with alien DNA and grows to like 100 feet tall.  The ship he's on crashes back on earth, Washington, DC to be more exact.  Uh oh...Abe is followed by a monster lizard from space.  The two monsters fight and destroy DC in the process (Yes!!!).  Abe does kill the alien lizard thing.  Don't worry...we'll see none of that.  Thankfully The Asylum who made 2023's "Ape vs. Mecha Ape," decided not to bore us with this.  We'll get a hot Asian scientist driving a car through rural Indiana and an annoying ASMR coach playing with flashlights...but none of the ape in space drama, or lizard vs. ape fight to the death.  Afterall, why would we want to see any of that when we can get some nice ASMR action?

Okay, the Americans unleash Mecha Ape (a 100 foot tall weaponized robot) on a Russian city murdering millions.  The Russians send dragon lady Pavla (Iris Svis) and her husband Arnott (Xander Bailey) to Indiana to retaliate.  Alas, this is not as an exciting plot line as you may think...even though they bring a bunch of hot Russian babe assassins with them.  No!  Instead we get annoying ASMR coach, Sloane (Anne Telfer), who has a knack for calming down the depressed and anxiety-ridden real giant ape, Abe. Laure (Lisa Lee) is Sloane's boss at NASA and she is pretty hot.  Alas, there will be no lingerie, bikini, or hot tub scenes with her. There will also be some hunk men who are not even worth mentioning.

Okay, the Russkies hijack Mecha Ape and arm it with a nuke...and send it to Chicago.  Tom Arnold is the Secretary of Defense and he orders Abe, the real ape, to Chicago to stop him.  Sloane tries to jump on Mecha Ape, go inside its machinery, and rewire it.  Laura drives a car through rural Indiana and yells a lot on the phone...fully clothed, I'm afraid.  Abe is sent to battle Mecha Ape not realizing his ASMR coach is inside.  Sloane, not wanting to die inside Mecha Ape tries flashlight therapy to calm and signal Abe.  Okay...let us just stop here.  Sadly, Laura the NASA babe will show no skin.  Sloane will continue to annoy us, Tom Arnold will act as we figure a Biden appointee would, and Abe and Mecha Ape will continue to show aggression.  I know, we will  be cheering for Chicago to get nuked and for one of the men in this film to take Laura into his arms, rip her clothes off, and kiss her like she has never been kissed before.

Will Chicago survive?  Will Sloane the ASMR coach fix Abe some Chamomile tea and whisper in his ear?  Will The Asylum give us Laura and the Russian dragon lady in a gratuitous catfight?  This one has a terrific IMDB rating...go figure.  Perhaps it is because the military and the FBI are portrayed with diversity, equity, and inclusion in mind...perhaps this is why we will be cheering for the Russians in this one.  Go ahead...watch "Ape vs. Mecha Ape." 

Wolf Garden, What's in the Shed?

What's in the shed?  Ha!  It ain't good.  Midway through this movie you will have a pretty good idea of what is in there...and it is horrific. Whatever it is...it may have ended a tender and cute love story.  That's fine...who wants to see one of those?  Weird and creepy is our feature today and if you make it beyond the first 20 minutes...wow!  Today we look one from the U.K., 2023's "Wolf Garden," directed by Wayne David. 

William (David) and Chantelle (Sian Altman) are a great looking set of lovers spending a quiet time in a cottage in the country.  Uh oh...soon we understand we are seeing flashbacks of happier times.  Then we understand William is pining over his lost beauty.  Something awful happened to Chantelle...but what?  William misses her and his memories of her are tender...before they get bloody.  William is still at the cottage and later we learn that he may be squatting there...or something else.  Guilt and sorrow envelope our weird protagonist as we continue to get bit clues as to what exactly happened to Chantelle.

William seems haunted...and wolves howling permeate the nights.  William loves to stroll on or around the cottage property and seeks to stay away from all humans.  Uh oh, again.  There is a shed on the property and William seems obsessed to check on the locked structure.  He also seems duty bound to bring food to whatever is inside...which hardly sounds human.  Ghostly apparitions now invade William's consciousness.  More memories, visions, and visitation by something that may be Chantelle play havoc with this tender love story...which is now full blown bloody horror.

What happened to Chantelle? What is in the shed?  Why is William avoiding all human contact?  Experienced horror fans will see where this is going.  Perhaps a metaphor for relationships with pushy female leads and wimpy men...yeah...probably not.  For a neat tale of love, horror and mystery in the country, see "Wolf Garden."

Underground Lizard People, Conspiracy Theorists Unite

A few years ago, say when this film was made in 2011, so-called 'conspiracy theorists' were classified as such if they doubted the Moon landing or believed Lizard People had colonies under major cities.  Today the Biden Administration, DOJ, FBI, CIA, the government controlled media, and academia classify anyone who wants lower taxes, opposes poison chemicals in our drinking water, doubts the motives of our public schools, disagrees with our military's efforts, or does not buy into Hunter Biden's innocence as 'conspiracy theorists,' too. Welcome to the world of a 'conspiracy theorist.' Oh, and those lizard people colonies...maybe, just maybe there is something to that.  Hence Jared Cohn's film "Underground Lizard People," perhaps more of a documentary than a horror film.

Say what you want about this film.  Mr. Cohn gives us a really attractive cast with gratuitous shots of things we want gratuitous shots of. Okay, hunk college student Jason (Clint Byne) is filming a documentary with three of his buddies,  Also in the group is sound girl Lynda (Lauren Klemp)...btw we get a nice undergarment scene with her...GF the stunning Rachel (Caitlan Gold) in an impressive sundress, and camera guy Jack (Colin Walker).  They are headed into abandoned tunnels under the city to investigate reports of lizard people dwelling there.  They'll have to dodge the homeless and winos.  Oh yes...Rachel will descend into the tunnels in her sundress.

They meet a weird hobo homeless bum, Chip (Cohn).  Then they meet humanoid lizard monsters.  The attack is on.  All the while Rachel and Lynda are about to get into a catfight over giving Jason oral sex...priorities. Now our film crew is in a fight for their lives and the lizard things are hungry.  Jack and his camera will continue to give us gratuitous shots of Rachel and Lynda and we do thank him for that.  The things will claw, bite, and feast.  All very believable.  I should say, infinitely more believable than thinking Hunter Biden will receive the justice due to him. 

Will any of our hunks or babes survive the monster onslaught?  Will Rachel or Lynda pull off the other's false-eyelashes and shove them up the other's nose?  Will a city ruled by lizard people function better than a country ruled by Biden?  Perhaps in 2011, this would have been a film we could have dismissed outright.  Here in 2023, well, you might want to take a serious look at it.  See "Underground Lizard People," and read the Max Gunssler novel BEAUTY QUEENS VS LIZARD PEOPLE  (Click on the link to view this novel on Amazon).

 

Desperate Souls, Succubus Love

I know...we all have these stories.  After a night of passion with an amazing women, we wake up only to find out they're a demon.  Happens.  Today we have a story of this anecdote in literal form.  A horrific, gory, and romantic love story with eternal love, ripped out internal organs, and nights of passionate sex.  If Harlequin Romances included gore and horror...this would have been one.  Today we look at...a love story, kind of...with a lot of blood and monsters, 2023's "Desperate Souls," directed by Steve Hermann.

The sultry Moira (Angel Nichole Bradford) is a succubus...a literal one, not the figurative ones that have dotted our pasts. She finds men drowning in sorrow, makes passionate love to them, and sucks out their lives.  As she plies her trade, she comes across Devin (Joe Rosing).  Depression and anxiety are killing him...enter Moira.  Uh oh...the succubus falls in love with him and can't bring herself to suck out his life force.  She desires to spend an eternity with him.  Devin has no knowledge of Moira's true identity.  Even when Devin's support staff, ex-girlfriends, and other friends start dying horribly, he still doesn't suspect anything.  A jealous sort, Moira refuses to let anyone live who Devin has any affection or good will for.

Moira is possessive...enter Rebecca (Magdalena Conway).  She is so sweet and beautiful...and a great friend to Devin.  She figures out Moira is a succubus early on, which spells doom for all her friends, sadly.  Now Rebecca realizes she must fight an otherworldly being if Devin is to be saved. Slowly, after a lot of sex with Moira, Devin gets weaker and Rebecca figures something must be done fast.  Internal organs will be ripped out, life forces will be sucked out, and the twisted romance will get more intense.  Rebecca is so sweet and alluring we pray she will not meet a gruesome fate. Intense love...Intense horror ...and Intense romance will rule in this horror film.

Will we get an epic catfight between Rebecca and Moira with Devin's soul at stake?  Is deviant and wild succubus versus sweet downhome girl the new 'Ginger versus Marianne" debate for this 21st century? Will any of this movie's hunks do anything productive to fight evil or guide a romantic relationship?  Okay, that last one was a silly question.  For horror, gore, sappy romance-novel type love...see "Desperate Souls."

The Philadelphia Experiment, Naval Destroyer Causes Havoc

Yep...The USS Eldridge.  A World War 2 destroyer that didn't make it out of Philadelphia.  Or, maybe it did...a long way out of Philadelphia.  Charles Berlitz wrote a book about it called The Philadelphia Experiment.  The same Charles Berlitz that wrote about The Bermuda triangle. Thanks to our buddies at the Syfy Channel, we now know what happened to the ship. We also have the magnum opus of blonde vixen Emilie Ullerup.  Today we look at 2012's "The Philadelphia Experiment," directed by Paul Ziller. Oh yes...cause for rejoice...Malcolm McDowell and Michael Pare are in this, too.  

The sultry Molly (Ullerup) is a waitress in a small town Pennsylvania diner.  She's hot and has a cute romance going with a hunk deputy, Carl (John Reardon).  Uh oh...Deputy Carl gets a weird call that something has occurred at a local airport...he responds.  Lo' and behold, the USS Eldridge, missing since World War 2, is on the runway.  Investigating the ship, Carl gets sucked into it.  One survivor is on the ship, Lt. Bill Gardner (Nicholas Lea)...he runs off the ship.  Yep...the ship then disappears but not after Molly hurries to the airport after Carl calls for help on the radio and she sees the ship go poof. Molly wants Carl back...after all, he is quite the hunk.

Seems the Eldridge disappeared when the scientists back then put a machine on board that altered time. Now the Eldridge is travelling through time. A secret government organization, in present time, has created a similar machine.  Devil woman, Agent Moore (Gina Holden) is overseeing this experiment when something goes wrong...it brings The Eldridge back...now the ship is appearing and disappearing all over the globe.  In a classic scene it shows up in Chicago impaling a skyscraper. Lt. Bill is actually Molly's grandfather and he shows up at her house.  Now Molly and Lt. Gardner must elude Agent Moore's henchman (Michael Pare). See, Moore does not want to let word of this experiment get out and if The Eldridge keeps popping up in population centers...well, someone might blog about it.  Now Molly and her grandfather are on the run from this assassin.  Enter Malcolm McDowell...and he just may know how to stop all this.

In a nut shell, that is what this film is about.  The effects are terrific and Molly is absolutely stunning. Will granddad Bill pull a taboo move and try to move in on Deputy Carl's territory?  Will The Eldridge end up in the Black Sea into another conflict America should not be in?  Will Agent Moore try to discredit Molly by labeling her a 'conspiracy theorist'?  This made for Syfy gem is exciting and has a great looking cast.  Beefcake and cheesecake abound...see "The Philadelphia Experiment." 

Look Into the Fire, Mad Scientists in Training

I know.  They're young and idealistic.  The future mad scientists of the world.  True...they should stick to genetically engineering soldiers in mental hospitals to be the perfect fighting machine on the battlefield.  Or, perhaps they should just stick to curing death or bringing the dead back to life.  But, no!  These new medical or psychiatric students feel compelled to mess with memories and dreams.  Times are indeed changing.  Thanks to moviemaker Tim Morrill, we have the story of a team of students embarking on a dream/sleep/memory project...and it won't go well.  Today we look at 2022's "Look Into the Fire."

Adam (Artie Shase) is a grad student assigned to lead a group project by his psyche professor (Gregg Henry).  He puts a team together that includes Seth (Myles Brown), Jerry (David Silva), and Samantha (Jackie Dallas).  Nerds, but give Adam credit, Samantha is very sweet...and she will be the only female in this film we do like.  Adam's idea for the project...here it is!  Study and scan someone's brain while they sleep and be able to see someone's dreams, memories, and thoughts on a TV monitor.  What could go wrong?  Uh oh!  Adam uses himself as a test subject.  Now all goes haywire.  See, as a child, Adam had a horrific and bloody experience.  He has suppressed his memory about it...now his invention might just put it all on TV.

Some memories are best left repressed. This will cost him his lovely but selfish girlfriend, Isabella (Grace Ingland).  Also, his mysterious dragon woman sister, Janet (Nina E. Jordan), pops back into his life. Janet wants Adam's repressed memories to be forgotten forever.  As bits and pieces of these memories come to life, we understand why Janet wants them lost forever.  Now Adam's team rallies to his cause.  Even better for Adam, the lovely Samantha takes an interest in him.  As the class project progresses we see blood, an axe, family strife, and something so taboo we will squirm.

Will Samantha and Janet engage in a vicious catfight over Adam?  What happened in Adam's childhood that is best left forgotten?  Will prurient images of Samantha appear on the TV screen when his team reads his thoughts again?  Tim Morrill tells an ambitious, twisted, and horrific story.  Miss Dallas' portrayal of a babe grad student is sweet and alluring.  For a horrific story about dreams, memories, and pasts that should never be remembered, see "Look Into the Fire."   

The Devil Below, Monsters in a Mine

Okay...I know...so the sultry Alicia Sanz is mis-cast.  Hey!  She's a babe and looks really good.  So what is so wrong about some nice cleavage in a film that takes place in a mine with monsters all around.  So, there!  In a role probably made for Jason Statham...Alicia Sanz does a fine job...and looks really good throughout.  Today we look at a neat creature film, 2021's "The Devil Below" (aka "Shookum Hills"), directed by Bradley Parker.

Back in the 70s the mining town of Shookum Hills disappeared.  All 1,000 residents...gone!  What happened.  There was a monster involved.  Now Darren (Adan Canto) leads a scientific team back to the mine to find out.  His sultry guide/mercenary/soldier of fortune Arianne (Sanz) will find the mine for them.  The surrounding locals don't want them there.  Especially Schuttman (Will Patton), who had his son taken by mine monsters back in the 70s.  The locals know what is down there and Darren's team is about to find out.

Arianne finds the mine and as soon as the team lowers into it...horror strikes.  There are things down in there that have been kept down there by the locals.  Now the team has unwittingly opened the mine.  One by one the team members are taken by the things.  Ugly and ferocious things.  The locals send in their own team to contain the breach...this won't go well.  Now Darren's team and the local team must work together...the monsters don't care.  To the fiends, teamwork just means more humans to eat or...well, you'll see.  Arianne will sweat and look really good down in the underground caverns.  Even worse, she will find out first hand what these monsters are and what they do to the humans they grab.

Will Arianne and any of her team get out of the mine alive?  What do the monsters do with the humans they grab?  Is the Biden Administration's federal cuts for mining in Appalachia a cause of the human death and destruction occurring in Shookum Hills?  This is a terrific creature film.  Ms. Sanz is sultry and the monsters are icky and terrifying.  See "The Devil Below," a perfect Friday night creature flick.