Lust for a Vampire, A Sensual Hammer Production

The late 60s and early 70s gave us the most sensual Hammer horror films ever made.  Euro-babes were re-branded Hammer Glamour Girls and we saw a lot of their breasts and uber-nubileness.  No erotic Hammer vampire film was more erotic than 1971's "Lust for a Vampire," directed by Jimmy Sangster.  Christopher Lee and Peter Cushing would be missing from this one but Denmark born model/actress Yutte Stensgaard, and her impressive cleavage, is all we need in this film.

A virgin, blonde, barmaid with big and visible cleavage is hopping home one day.  A carriage stops and she gets in...mistake.  The nubile beauty is brought to the Karnstein castle, put on an alter, and drained of her blood.  The babe's blood is then poured on a corpse of a vampire, dead over 100 years, Carmilla.  Now Carmilla is resurrected and placed in a finishing school for babes...she is now Mircalla (Stensgaard).  Everyone who sees her falls in love with her even her babe classmates.  She'll have lesbian trysts with many of them including skinny dipping with her lover Susan (Pippa Steel).  Also arriving at the school is gadabout/writer Richard Lestrange (Michael Johnson).  He'll lie his way into employment at the place even though he is only looking for pre-marital sex with Euro-babes.  He'll initially have eyes for Janet (Suzanne Leigh), who teaches sexy dancing to the girls.

Then Richard sees Mircalla...and he is in love.  Meanwhile, Mircalla kisses and gets naked with her babe classmates and eventually bites Susan.  Other girls are bitten and go missing.  Richard falls more and more into a weird spell cast by Mircalla's beauty and cleavage.  Now Janet falls in love with Lestrange and begins to suspect vampirism at the school.  Uh oh...Mircalla, guided by Count Karnstein (Mike Raven) guides Mircalla to many of her killings.  Having a taste for nubile and naked Euro-babes, Janet is now on Mircalla's radar.

Will Mircalla and Janet get naked together and skinny dip?  Will Richard's love for Mircalla sway her to choose him over her master, Count Karnstein?  Is Mircalla merely eliminating her completion by biting her classmates, no different than babes on a cheerleading squad or in a sorority?  Erotic and atmospheric, Yutte Stensgaard may be the sultriest vampire ever put on film.  See "Lust for a Vampire," and rue the day that all-girl finishing schools went away.        

S.N.U.B!, Friend Group During the Nuclear Holocaust

You've thought about this question before.  During an all-out nuclear war, who do you want to share a bunker with?  The elected politician who raised your taxes?  His hack-aide?  Annoying teenage girls?  An adolescent boy with acne?  An annoying little kid with his pet goldfish?  A grouch old mother?  Non-heroes of the military?  If those are the peeps you answered with, then you would fit comfortably in our film today, 2010's "S.N.U.B!," directed by Jonathan Glendening. 

Terrorists nuke London!  Stop cheering...this is sad!  A low level MP, Norman (Jonathan Moore), mistakenly gets word of the blast before it happens and grabs a hot American diplomatic aide, Marcia (Alexandra Afryea), and heads to a S.N.U.B. (Secret Nuclear Underground Bunker).  To Norman's disgust, lots of other insignificant peeps show up too including an annoying boy and his goldfish.  The bunker is manned by a formerly useless army guy, Sweeney (Gary Mavers).  Norman won't be happy as Marcia and him start making goo goo eyes at one another.  The military contingent is limited but does include the hot Private Gill (Zoe Robinson)...alas her fate will be worse than death.

All goes smoothly...there is even a skank there, Sophie (Magda Rodriguez) who takes showers and uses half the water supply.  Then,,, horror.  The psycho inmates at a neighboring prison were the labor when the bunker was built.  The blast crumbled the walls of the prison and a bunch of radiation infested murderers get in.  Remember the annoying kid with the goldfish?  Well, you'll see no character is above being slaughtered.  The two teen aged beauties (Alice Henley and Sara Gregory) use the apocalypse to  try to get laid...this won't go well.  Now the mutant convicts are in...Private Gill is...well, you'll see...and everyone wants to murder the politician that raised their taxes.

Is the incineration of London wishful thinking, or a tragedy we should all guard against?  Is this film a foretelling of the U.K.'s fate if Liz Truss (or Rishi Sunak) takes over?  Will N.A.T.O. troops risk radiation poisoning and come to the rescue?  Fat chance!  Just ask The Ukraine.  Grim and low budget, still a worthwhile take to understand where western Europe may be going with the dreadful governments each nation has in power currently.  See "S.N.U.B!" and realize Europe's idiotic choices will have consequences.   

Calling Nurse Meow, A Deviant Anthology

The magnum opus of Kitty Kiss, aka Nurse Meow.  Who is Nurse Meow?  What does she do?  Well, today we have a kinky anthology with some horrific themes.  As for Nurse Meow...she is a sexy Goth...a spirited submissive...a BDSM queen...a cannibal...a sexy bigfoot...a damsel with an attitude...a dominatrix ...murderer...and frequently dressed in tight vinyl, hooker boots, BDSM attire...and usually carrying a whip or other unmentionable sex toys.  2022's "Calling Nurse Meow" is ten shorts directed by Laura Barker, Joe Cash, and Impey.  Grotesque, sexy, horrific, dark, and very kinky...be warned. 

Kitty Kiss is Nurse Meow (Barker).  She'll introduce the kinky and horrific shorts.  With plenty of homage to 1970s drive-in exploitation and Troma films, this rapidly paced anthology will leave you breathless.  It opens with a story called "Nurse Meow and the Hunt for the Sexy Bigfoot."  Warning...cannibalism and castration will follow.  The stories that ensue will be lurid, fun, prurient, and at times shocking.  "The Hideout" is a viciously brief one with guttings and cannibalism...alas, the beautiful die so horribly.  Never fear, there will be some nostalgia ala the old "Ilsa" films of the 1970s as our beautiful damsel is taken and tortured by Nazi henchmen.

Whether a nymph, a dominatrix, a cannibal, a tortured submissive, or a tripping Goth...Nurse Meow will captivate you.  You'll cheer for her...fear her...and alas, will wince at some of her exploits.  There will be torture, X-Rated animation, musical numbers, and whips.  A guilty pleasure to be sure, but do not worry, you are not bound to confess to anyone that you saw this film.  The gore and sex will be piled high as leather, hooker boots, and oversized sex toys may rule the experience. 

If you have a fondness of the old Video Nasties of the 1960s, this is a film for you.  In today's neo-Puritanical, PC, and woke civilization, "Calling Nurse Meow is a breath of fresh air.  Not for the easily offended...but we don't want those types around, anyway.  Do yourself a favor, put on "Calling Nurse Meow" and just enjoy...you deserve it.    

  

The Beyond, Lucio Fulci at his Best

Many of us believe 1979's "Zombie" and 1981's "The Beyond" are two of Lucio Fulci's best films.  This is high praise for these films from Italy's master of horror and gore. Today we look at "The Beyond."  Yep...this is the one that features a horde of tarantula eating a man's face while he is still alive...in extreme close-up.  Eyes will be popping out of faces, faces will be torn off, a little girl will have half her head blown off...and so much more.  The squeamish beware!

Liza (Catriona MacColl) is a babe who inherits a hotel in Louisiana.  60 years ago, townsfolk converged on the hotel and tried to wall in a warlock.  See, this hotel is one of the seven gateways to Hell.  Abandoned since the warlock carnage, Liza is having trouble keeping contractors, construction guys...and Joe the Plumber (Giovanni De Nava).  All are killed in gory fashion as they work on the house.  Now a blast from the past...Emily (Cinzia Monreale) arrives.  This blind babe was also at the hotel 60 years ago...a ghost?  Also arriving is our leading man, Dr. Jack McCabe (David Warbuck).  He, like most men, is quite useless so we will not mention him again.

The folks who die horribly at Liza's hotel are brought to the morgue.  There...they will re-animate.  In one scene, Jill (Maria Pia Marsala) witnesses her dad coming back to life after her mom has her skull melted off by acid.  Happens.  Now Liza realizes her hotel may be cursed as Emily fills her in on the history of the place.  The warlock, back in the 1920s, stayed in room 36 and now weird stuff is happening in that room.  Liza will spend most of her time in the second half of this film in room 36 and in the one of many morgues in the local hospital.  Guts, eyeballs, brains, tarantulas, and ripped off faces will explode at you. Too bad this film was not in 3D.

Can Liza break the curse or seal off the gateway to hell and have Marriott take over the place?  How many points, or stays, does someone need to earn a free night at this hotel/gateway to Hell?  Is this movie a prescient omen of what was in store for New Orleans with the 2005 Hurricane Katrina debacle?  If you love gore..."The Beyond" is a film for you.    

The Scout, The Perils of Micro Budget Horror

A low budget horror film!  No wait...a micro-budget horror film!  What's the difference.  In micro-budget, the star and other cast members have to do triple duty as part of the crew, no catering, and whenever someone sneezes, the producers go in a hole (financially).  We do have to like the filmmakers who endeavor to make a movie in micro-budget circumstances.  Today we look at the making of a micro-budget horror film in 2021's "The Scout," directed by Michael Kallio.

Jeff (Kenneth Guertin) is the director and Denise (Marla Lizbeth Perez) is the producer of the micro-budget "Terrestrial Evil."  As our film begins...actually it begins with a Satanic ritualistic sacrifice, but that's not important right now...they are auditioning cast/crew for their film.  Some real doozies...but in a likable way.  The bubbly and annoying blonde bimbo Patty (Anastasia Elfman) is cast as the final girl.  Jeff's attraction to her will relieve Patty of any crew duties creating rivalry with other cast members.  Then Jessica (Jessica Moore), quite the babe, will be brought on to do social media for the film.  Her and Patty will have their claws out whenever they look at one another.  They have a location!  Oops...it burned down. Then guess what!  Patty just has a place available and now the cast/crew heads there to film the movie.

Then the murders begin.  A fiend with a hammer.  Cast and crew begin getting bludgeoned, garroted, gutted, and having their throats slit.  Suspects?  Yep...just about everyone.  The beautiful will die horribly and so will the beefy.  The killer seems to have a real beef with everyone attached to "Terrestrial Evil." As Patty and Jessica begin hissing at each other, and Jeff wonders where is special f/x gal (McKenzie Kelly) is...our killer goes through "Terrestrial Evil" like crap through a goose.

Will Jessica and Patty get into a bloody catfight before either of them dies horribly?  What about that Satanic rite that kicked off the movie, is it related to the killings?  Is "Terrestrial Evil" really a snuff film and Jeff a serial killer?  This is a fun one with a great looking cast and perhaps more real than you may think in the filming of a micro-budget film.  See "The Scout" and then decide if you really want to get into movies. 

The Loreley's Grasp, Euro-Babes Shredded by Reptile Babe

You know this is going to be a good one from the opening scene.  A nude Euro-babe slips on a wedding gown and a monster lizard rushes in, shreds, and eats her heart.  A feminist metaphor warning women about the western constructs of a patriarchal marriage?  Perhaps.  More likely, some nice Euro-Trash horror.  Made in Spain and Germany, 1975's "The Loreley's Grasp," directed by Amando de Ossorio will have a bevy of bikini babes, gratuitous catfights, intense gore, and more bikini babes.

A monster is praying on the babes of a German village.  The bride (Betsabe Ruiz) was the first.  Now the townsfolk in this German hamlet by the river are getting peeved the breeding stock is dwindling.  Enter the sultry Elke (Silvia Tortosa), a professor at an all-girls boarding school.  She hires a hunk hunter, Sigurd (Tony Kendall) to guard the school and keep the gals safe. She's hot on him...must like his chest hair.  This all-girls school?  All they do is frolic in their bikinis by the pool, bathe, prance around in undies and negligees, and have more bikini parties by the pool.  All the gals are sweet on Sigurd...must be his chest hair, which we see a lot.

Okay, the reptile monster.  Right away we learn it is Loreley (Helga Line).  She's sultry, but when the moon rises, she turns to a lizard monster who feeds on hearts of nubile babes.  Sigurd is now hunting her/it.  Yep, the two fall in love.  Awkward, because Elke also has fallen in love with Sigurd...must be the chest hair.  Now the reptile woman decides to prey on the boarding school and in a classic scene she it invades the bath of two of the nubile, nude, and lathery schoolgirls.  Now Sigurd puts two and two together and decides to take the fight to Loreley...but surprises await.  Oh yes, and a nice catfight between three bikini babes who utter lines like, "I'll pull your hair out!"  You can see the influence of Mexican soap operas here.

Will Elke or the reptile woman end up with Sigurd?  Will there be a catfight between Loreley and Elke?  Will any of the bikini boarding school babes be unshredded by the end of the film?  Whether a feminist anthem warning sisters everywhere of the danger of men or a gratuitous piece of Euro-Trash, this is a fun one. Pure gratuitous cheese and gore...plus a neat reptile monster!  See "The Loreley's Grasp" and get your daily fill of bikini babes, catfights, and gore.  

The Werewolf and the Yeti, Euro-Babes Shredded by Two Monsters

I know, we should value our Himalayan brethren more than we do.  No doubt about it.  Still, we must be honest.  The yeti?  At risk of offending all of Nepal...please!  The yeti is a mere bargain basement bigfoot.  There...the elephant in the room.  It had to be said.  Let's move on...today's film features Euro-babes, several monsters, cannibalistic babes, sorceress babes, Paul Naschy as a werewolf, catfigths, and Euro-babes stripped and whipped.  Yep...a true Euro-trash horror film from Spain.  Our feature today is "The Werewolf and the Yeti" (aka "Night of the Howling Beast"), directed by Miguel Iglesias.

Let's get a couple of things out of the way.  The Yeti?  Please!  Did I already say this?  We'll ignore it, for now.  Euro-babe Veronica Muriel, who plays Melody, has no bearing on the plot.  Because she's a real dish, she'll be in the entire film with no bearing on the plot.  Let's go!  Waldemar (Naschy) gets separated from his party in the Himalayas.  He'll be taken in by two cannibalistic sorceress babes who rape him and eat his buddy...happens.  He'll murder them but not before they turn him into a werewolf.  After murdering more people during a full moon, Sylvia (Mercedes Molina), his girlfriend, finds him.  Sylvia is a babe, a rarity in the Himalayas, thus every Nepalese man tries to rape her.  Her werewolf lover will murder most of these pukes.

Sekkar Khan (Luis Induni) is top bandit in the Himalayas.  His lover is sorceress babe Wandesa (Silvia Solar).  Wandesa has a dungeon full of Euro-babes who she loves to whip, torture, and murder.  Khan wants Sylvia for his harem, or something...and we can't blame him.  Now Waldemar must infiltrate Khan's palace and go to war with Khan, and protect Sylvia from being strung up and whipped by Wandesa.  True, a metaphor for our precarious times here in 2022.  Euro-babes will be stripped and tortured as Waldemar will do battle as a werewolf.  Oh yes...looming outside...is the dreaded (okay, maybe not too dreaded) yeti.

Will Sylvia be freed from Wandesa's evil clutches only to be thrown into the claws of a werewolf?  Is this film a feminist anthem for Spain during the early period of post-fascism in that country?  Are all men putrid monsters seeking to rip apart the fairer sex?  Cheese and gore galore.  This film boasts of the most nudity of any of the Paul Naschy horror films.  For a good time with Euro-trash cinema, see "The Werewolf and the Yeti."