Metamorphosis, Emanuelle Gets Pummeled

Laura Gemser is an Indonesian actress that exudes allure and beauty with every movement and gesture. Cast as 'Emanuelle' in several films she was lusted after by some very manly hunks and extremely exotic babes. Usually her proclivity to have pre-marital sex served her well and exemplified her strength and dominance. There was a flip side, unfortunately. Many times she was brutally raped, whether it be by brutes or lesbian prison guards, and left in shambles. Not to fear, she always rebounded and turned the tables on her tormentors. Hence 1990's "Metamorphosis." In this film, Ms. Gemser will get the pounding of her life at the hands of a hunk genetics professor turned mad-scientist monster.

Dr. Peter Houseman (Gene LeBrock) is a hunk geneticist and a professor. He is on the verge of inventing a serum that reverses the aging process and cures death. Uh oh, the university and their funding agencies shut down Peter's funds. Sally (Catherine Baranov) is the sultry official that decided to end Peter's funding. Sally will then fall in love with Peter and have a lot of pre-marital sex with him...I guess she doesn't have anything to do with the Ethics Department. No worries, Peter is handsome and his student Patricia (Anna Colona) also tries to have pre-marital sex with him. To prove his experiment worthy of continued funding, Peter does what many of us have done, injects himself with his own serum...of course that always goes well, right?

The results? With the serum running through is bloodstream, Peter heads to a hotel room for a rendezvous with Emanuelle (Gesmer). She will try to seduce but as she takes her clothes off, Peter begins his metamorphosis into a fiend. Emanuelle will be pummeled and bloodied. Next, with no memory of the attack, Peter goes to visit Sally and the two will have gratuitous pre-marital sex while Sally's little boy is neglected in the next room. As Peter's transformation continues, his nubile student Patricia is next up. Poor Patricia, she will no longer be pretty...or alive after Peter gets done with her. Despite all this, the skank...excuse me...accrediting official Sally will fall further in love with him. Now Peter's transition gets more horrific and the body count will explode.

What will Peter be when the metamorphosis is complete? Will Emanuelle survive the massive beating and humiliation by the mad-scientist? Will Sally's proclivity for sex with monsters negatively affect her five year old son? At the time this film was released Laura Gemser would become a widow and leave acting to become a costume designer full time. Her plight in this horror film lacked any of the glamour of her 'Emanuelle' films. Directed by George Eastman and shot in Norfolk, Virginia, "Metamorphosis" is a routine horror film that just happens to have Emanuelle in it as a alluring damsel in much distress. 

Honeymoon Horror, Brides and Grooms Shredded

A classic slasher plot device...hunks and babes having pre-marital sex and then get pureed by a maniac. Today's feature from 1982, "Honeymoon Horror," goes in a different direction. Our victims are still babes and hunks, but these victims will have engaged in intimate relations with the benefit of clergy (marital sex). Fear not, even among the marital class, gratuitous shower scenes and the proclivity of a babe to take an axe in the head are still present.  Directed by Harry Preston and filmed in Grapevine, Texas, let us delve into "Honeymoon Horror," a quirky and awkward horror film.

Elaine (Cheryl Black) is a beautiful but unfaithful wife. She lives isolated on an island with her husband Frank. One day Elaine sneaks into Vic (Bob Wagner) the maintenance guy's shack and begins to have extra-marital sex with him. Uh oh...Frank catches them and tries to kill Vic. Elaine, the vixen she is, then kills Frank. A fire ensues and she gets away with murder. Elaine and Vic then wed, have lots of marital sex, and lots of arguments. The homicidal duo open the island as a honeymoon haven and rent cabins out to recently married sorority girl newlyweds. Then the murders continue. When three sorority babes, Kelly, Robin,  and Jill (Jillian Raye) show up to decorate their sorority sisters' honeymoon cabins, they are all chopped to pieces by an unknown fiend.

With the trio of corpses out of sight, the three couples arrive. Three hunks and their babes. Someone or something in the nearby woods watches them. As the three couples engage in wedding night sex, Vic and Elaine now have marital relations. Linda (Leslie McKinley) will be the first bride to die horribly as she will be axed to pieces during a gratuitous shower scene. Clad in lingerie the remaining brides will be put in much peril as their clueless grooms will watch helplessly. Our fiend is quite adept with an axe and eventually the grooms will find the remains of Kelly, Robin, and Jill...as the newlywed vixens are alone in the main house with Elaine...and that is just where our monster heads.

Oh yes...I should mention the sheriff (Bill Pecchi). This guy provides some of the most awkward moments in law enforcement history. When this fat old guy starts thinking about skinny-dipping, you will yell at your TV "Nooooooo!!!!!" Just who is the maniac in the woods hunting down lingerie clad brides? Will Elaine pay for her murderous ways with an axe to the head? Might this film be used to advocate a movement back to pre-marital sex in film?  Gratuitous and gory with lots of lingerie clad damsels in much peril highlight "Honeymoon Horror." For some 1980s VHS quality fun, and guilty pleasure, see this slasher film and fast-forward through the scenes with the creepy sheriff.

DOA: Dead or Alive, Deadly Vixens in Peril

The sultry blonde (obviously just out of a hot shower) sits in a chair naked, covered only in a loosely draped on towel. Her antagonists sit across from her gawking and tormenting. They will arrest this jewel thief and she acts as if her gig is up. With a seductive glare she asks the detective if she can get dressed. He agrees, but no privacy will be afforded her. That's okay, the show she will put on momentarily deserves an audience. Another favor, the vixen asks the detective to hand her bra (black and lacy). He does, but carefully. The detective picks it up with the nub of his pistol and hands it to her. Still wet from a steamy shower, Christie's shiny, well shaven leg bolts up, kicks the man's hand and sends her bra and his gun skyward. The towel covering her is also sent flailing. With another kick she takes out the other cops. Christie reaches toward the heavens as her bra falls gently in place and her tormentor's gun ends up in her grip. Now armed the beauty tells the detective to "do me up." He snaps the back strap of the bra just before getting knocked out by Hong Kong's number one fugitive. Hence 2006's "DOA: Dead or Alive."

DOA is a martial arts contest with a $10 million prize attached. Only the best are invited and Christie (Holly Valance) has been invited. Also invited is Princess Kasumi (Devon Aoki). To attend, the sultry princess must leave her compound which would disgrace her family. Kasumi elects to go as her brother attended last year and has been missing ever since. Bad news for Kasumi, her purple-haired servant Ayane (Natassia Malthe) is now charged with pursuing her and killing her for dishonoring the clan. Next up...professional wrestler Tina (Jaime Pressly). When we first meet her she is destroying a band of pirates as she guzzles a Pabst Blue Ribbon while clad in a patriotic bikini. Yes! These three arrive at a remote island run by Donovan (Eric Roberts) and are pitted against competition immediately. Our three ladies all advance.

Ah, but wait. Christie not only wants to win the prize money, she also has her eyes on the well stocked vault. After all, she is a thief. Kasumi finds indications that her brother may still be alive and Donovan is fibbing about his fate. Oh yes, Ayane arrives and will engage in some well choreographed sword cat-fights with the princess. More intrigue, Tina will have to advance by fighting her dad, also a pro wrestler. Donovan has plans for these ladies and the three rivals will have to begin working together in order to survive a maniacal plan by the evil Donovan. Donovan's motives extend beyond promoting this competition as hints of world domination enter this ambitious plot. The women will also engage in gratuitous bikini volleyball, hot tub action, rose pedal baths, and pre-marital sex with sweaty male fighters.

Exploitation and schlock all the way, but that's fine. Scantily clad women with swords and plying their martial arts are plot devices we need to see more of. What did Donovan do to Kasumi's brother, and is he still alive? What plans does Donavan have for these three lovelies? Can these three warriors set aside their cat-fighting and work together to foil Donovan's fiendish plot? There is so much right about this film and don't forget about the purple-haired beauty that has invaded this plot. Directed by Corey Yuen, "DOA: Dead or Alive" is some neat 21st century exploitation.

Blood Beat, The Samurai Meets The Deer Hunter

Michael Cimino was once knows as one of the greatest directors in Hollywood. His "The Deer Hunter" cleaned up at the Academy Awards, even though he did what many couldn't do...make a war film boring. Then the bottom fell out on this over rated director, he wasted a lot of Hollywood's money with "Heaven's Gate." That was it...Cimino was then fired from his newest project, "Footloose" and today his name is barely mentioned in film talk. Today we look at a 1983 straight-to-VHS slasher film, "Blood Beat." Maybe not the cinematic achievement as "The Deer Hunter," but at least it has some action in it...and the ending isn't as stupid as Cimino's ending in the aforementioned war film turned sermon. So here we go with the best deer hunting and Samurai film ever emanating from Wisconsin.

Okay, from the "A Story That Demands To Be Told" Department, here is the plot. Cathy (Helen Benton) is a boring artist in rural Wisconsin. Her main squeeze, who she refuses to marry, is the ineffective deer hunter, Gary (Terry Brown). As Cathy paints some ghastly pictures and refuses to marry Gary, her kids come home from college for Christmas and some deer hunting. Dolly (Dana Day) is the attractive but loser daughter who is dropping out of college. Ted (James Fitzgibbons) is the son who has brought a girl home, Sarah (Claudia Peyton). Uh oh...Sarah and Cathy exchange the evil eyeball with each other. Psychic visions tell Cathy that Sarah is evil and psychic premonitions tell Sarah...well...you'll see.

Okay, director Fabrice Zaphiratos takes jumper cables to the plot. While deer hunting, Sarah ruins the hunt by scaring away a deer and getting some other hunter shot. Then the murders start. Some fiend with a Samurai sword starts gutting rednecks. Sarah has visions of these killings. Meanwhile, Cathy's paintings get really violent and strange as a Samurai spirit possesses her. Now the Samurai spirit has form and after killing a bickering and obnoxious couple, heads to Cathy's house to possess and kill. Oh yeah, Sarah finally concedes to pre-marital sex with Ted and while in the throes of passion, she has psychic visions of the killings. Now the monster Samurai warrior has arrived and Sarah and Cathy have a psychic battle that will decide the fate of all mankind...er...well maybe just everyone in the house.

What is the relationship of the Samurai ghost to Cathy...and to Sarah? Will the college drop-out Dolly and her good looks do anything useful to fight the fiend warrior? Will the ineffective deer hunters in rural Wisconsin lead to deer over population in that state? The second half of this film is wild and violent. The backstory of the ghost (which includes lost love and the atomic bomb...really) is heartwarming. For some 1980s slasher straight-to-VHS fun, go with this Japanese horror film that just happens to be set in deer hunting country in Wisconsin..."Blood Beat."

The Signal, They're Here...Whoever They Are

Yep...they're here, all right. No question about that. The big question is 'who?' Sure, all you schmucks from rural Utah, remote sections of Siberia, and Morristown, New Jersey won't find anything new about today's film, 2014's "The Signal." You folks are awaiting their next arrival...whoever 'they' are. For the rest of us, perhaps today's feature is a lesson that curiosity may have been integral in inventing the atomic bomb, but for the most part, asking questions can be more perilous than checking a fuse-box in a slasher film.

As our film begins we meet a very likable trio on a quest for answers and perhaps some revenge. Nic (Brenton Thwaites) is an M.I.T. student who walks with crutches. Haley (Olivia Cook) is his very cute main squeeze who adores him no matter what his handicap. Then there is Jonah (Beau Knapp), another M.I.T. computer genius. The trio are heading cross country following clues and signals in order to hunt the hacker that almost got them expelled from M.I.T. This hacker took down many of the university's servers and Nic and Jonah were blamed. Uh oh...indications suggest this hacker is luring them into a trap. This hacker displays that he can watch the trio even when they are in their hotel room or in traffic.

So what do Jonah and Nic plan to do when they find him? Perhaps they should have come up with a plan for this because when they reach the Nevada desert...someone (...or something) finds them. A flash of light, total confusion and Haley being sucked up into the sky...and all of a sudden the quest for revenge becomes the quest for more answers and survival. Enter Damon (Laurence Fishburne), a weird scientist in a HAZMAT suit. He is studying Nic in some underground laboratory manned by others in containment suits. Where are Haley and Jonah? You'll see...eventually. Underground lab? What is topside?

As Nic slowly gets his bearings back he realizes that he is changed. Has Damon and his crew saved Nic from some Alien invasion or other apocalypse? Or is Nic Damon's captive? Is Nic being nursed back to health or probed and experimented on? What of this hacker? Trust no one! This film which appears on Netflix is ambitious and answers all the questions posed above...and leaves you with bigger ones. For fans of science fiction and...well, no spoilers, this is one that will keep you guessing. Directed by William Eubank, "The Signal" will serve as a pleasant reminder for you to stop asking so many questions. 

Frankenstein's Castle of Freaks, Hide the Fair Maidens

Vivien Leigh is thought to have landed the most coveted of all Hollywood roles, Scarlett O'Hara in "Gone With the Wind." However, rivaling that cinematic coup is Simonetta Vitelli, landing the role of Krista in today's feature. I think we can say for certainty that no one takes a bath better than this Italian actress, or that no actress has used baths with more consequence than Ms. Vitelli. To avoid an overly gratuitous review, I will not mention her very gratuitous bath in a tub of warm milk...or her steamy bath with Count Frankenstein's daughter in which the two smear mud all over each other...or the steamy bath she takes as she is abducted by a neanderthal.  Nope, we'll keep this review free of sexploitation as we delve in to the Italian horror film from 1974, "Frankenstein's Castle of Freaks."

The nubile Krista (Vitelli) joins her nubile besty Maria Frankenstein (Christiane Royce) for holiday at Frankenstein's castle...what could go wrong? Count Frankenstein (Rossano Brazzi) falls in love with his daughter's blonde BF immediately. Krista will then spend a lot of time nude and in baths as she tries to seduce the Count. Oh...I should mention the Count has created a monster in his laboratory called Goliath (Loren Ewing), who will also fall in love with Krista. Oh yeah, I should also mention that a neanderthal prowls the nearby caves, his name is Ook (Boris Lugosi)...and yes, he will also fall in love with the bathing Krista. As luck has it, Krista has the same hobbies as her new beau, creating monsters from corpses...it beats scrap-booking.

Okay, as Krista begins helping the Count, the Count's perverted midget-helper Ginz (Michael Dunn) gropes female corpses and is sent packing. Ginz, by chance, meets Ook and he teaches him to abduct and rape fair maidens. The duo do this just fine but Ginz wants to up the risk factor. As Ginz heads back to the castle to abduct Maria Frankenstein, Ook finds Krista taking a bath.  This is when everything goes crazy and Goliath escapes from the lab and commences his own search for the bathing Krista.

Will the bathing Krista survive the advances of the monster and the neanderthal and wed Count Frankenstein? Will Maria be the humiliated object of Ginz' twisted revenge against the Count? Do Neanderthals and created monsters deserve love, too? Does bathing in warm milk really help our skin stay youthful looking? This Italian take on Frankenstein is filled with gratuitous bathing scenes and damsels in much distress. For a monster film Mary Shelley would have been proud of (okay, maybe not), see "Frankenstein's Castle of Freaks," directed by Dick Randall.   

Ticks, At Risk Youths At Risk

Some film roles just scream out for certain actors. Is there anyone more perfect for "Dirty Harry" than Clint Eastwood? Or how about Bela Lugosi as "Dracula"? Yep...and for Clint Howard? Nope, not a king, or a superhero, but a mad-scientist/marijuana farmer! The role of a lifetime...an actor's dream! This beats Vivien Leigh's 'Scarlett O'Hara.' In 1993's "Ticks," Clint Howard's mad scientist will start a chain of events that will serve as filmdom's best advocacy against marijuana.

Jarvis (Howard) is adding his own herbal steroid to his marijuana crop. Bad news, some of this gooey stuff leaks into the ground and is consumed by breeding ticks. You guessed it, the tick begin growing. Enter the perky Holly (Rosalind Allen) and her group of at risk youths. Holly brings at risk kids into the wilderness to teach them teamwork, morals, and other noble stuff. Holly also brings her main squeeze, Charles (Peter Scolari) for some pre-marital sex. The youths all have heartbreaking stories and agoraphobic Tyler (Seth Green) seems to be the one we care most about. Immediately the ticks find the kids like ticks find a dog...wait...never mind.  After Charles' daughter Melissa (Virginya Keehne) is attacked by one of these buggers, Tyler saves her. Her dad ignores her because he is merely interested in pre-marital sex with Holly.

Okay, more bad news. Jarvis steps in his own bear-trap (don't ask) and laying helpless on his laboratory floor is infested with giant ticks. Now one of the campers is also infected. On cue, some menacing pot farmers introduce themselves to the group and they are very threatening. These blokes kill the sheriff and aim to do the same to the invading youths and Holly. Their wrath will be interrupted as thousands of fist sized ticks converge and desire to get under everyone's skin. For the first time in his young life, Tyler steps up to be the hero as Holly and Charles are pretty incompetent and more interested in pre-marital sex. The little buggers that invade cause some very gory deaths and the fate of Jarvis will be most horrific. Oh yes, not all the monsters are fist-sized, there is one gargantuan creep that will come to life in a very grotesque scene.

Can the at risk youth in this film 'just say no' to the monster ticks? Will the heroic, but very youthful Tyler have what it takes to defeat thousands of monsters and save his new at risk pals...and the sex crazed Holly and Charles? Is it true that Clint Howard beat out Robert DeNiro for the role of Jarvis the mad-scientist in this feature? There are some great, horrific icky-creature scenes in "Ticks," and pay special attention to the scene with the visit to the veterinarian. Directed by Tony Randel, "Ticks" will get under your skin.