Hard Ticket to Hawaii, More Playboy Playmates in Danger

Andy Sidaris won an Emmy for directing the summer Olympics, and went on to be the first director of ABC's  Monday Night Football.  Fortunately for us, he left TV and went on to direct action films which starred Playboy Playmates (see my review of "Savage Beach" on May 12th).  Today's film is Sidaris directed "Hard Ticket to Hawaii" from 1987.  This movie features the March 1984 Playmate, a bazooka, the July 1985 Playmate, a spear gun, the May 1984 Playmate, a killer razor Frisbee, the October 1985 Playmate, a monster snake (no double entendre here...), grenades, Sumo wrestlers, gunfights, gratuitous Jacuzzi scenes, a transvestite, two martial arts hunks, Chinese throwing stars and nunchucks, a fair amount of spurting gore, and nudity.

If you care, here is the plot:  Two Hawaiian cops are gunned down when they accidentally come across members of Seth Romero's (Rodrigo Obregon) drug gang.  Donna (Donna Speir) and Taryn (Hope Marie Carlton), our heroines from "Savage Beach," are two undercover drug agents who get this case, with the goal of taking Romero down.  They fly to the island, with the cover of airline pilots.  Their passengers are two sexy honeymooners, and a monster snake (don't...I know what your thinking) which has been injected with cancer cells from rats.  Upon landing, they drop the honeymooners off not knowing that they will eventually be eaten by the snake.  On their way to their base, they accidentally intercept diamonds meant for Romero, and when Romero's men try to take them, Taryn and Donna use martial arts weapons to fend them off.  Now Romero wants our heroines dead.  Our damsels decide to plan a strategy in a Jacuzzi.  Meanwhile, two hunk agents are on their way to join Taryn and Donna, but get intercepted by an assassin on a skateboard, armed with a rifle and a blow up doll.  Our hunks dispose of him with a bazooka.  Hardly a fair fight.    

Romero's assassins get the jump on our gals (see picture above) and almost kill them.  Donna and Taryn manage to escape, pursue their assailants back to the getaway car, and Donna wounds Romero. Romero then orders his hit-woman to kidnap Edy (Cynthia Brimhall), who is Taryn and Donna's contact (see picture below).  As Romero and his hit-woman torture Edy, our gals join up with their hunks and mount a rescue operation which will also serve as a take-down at Romero's compound.  Unfortunately the monster snake is loose (get your mind out of the gutter).  Before planning this rescue, Donna and her colleague, Rowdy (Ronn Moss) have passionate pre-marital sex.  Rowdy is a charmer and coos to Donna, "One man's treasure is another man's lunch."  He could work for Hallmark, someday. Armed with all sorts of sharp things, grenades, guns, and things I don't know the names of, our quartet heads to Romero's compound.

Romero isn't going to go down easily (stop it!).  The final twenty minutes will have massive gunfights, air-raids, karate carnage, and monster snake attacks (don't even go there!).  As Edy is strung up to be a plaything for Romero's hit-woman, will our rescuers get to her in time?  What will our giant mutant snake (I'm not kidding, that's enough) have to contribute to the ending of this film? Sidaris interjects more gore than usual in this film ("Savage Beach" was gore free).  The introduction of a monster served two purposes; first, we all like monsters, and second, it provided plenty of opportunity for sexual metaphors.  All the males and females in this film are...shall we say "HOT." See "Hard Ticket to Hawaii," put your brain in neutral, and enjoy!

Oasis of the Zombies, the Violence and Eroticism of Jesus Franco

Spanish director Jesus Franco died last year.  In his career, he swayed between pornographic and violent and erotic horror films.  "Oasis of the Zombies" (aka "The Treasure of the Living Dead") from 1982 is our feature today.  Filmed in the Canary Islands of Spain, this film was one of his last horror films before he returned to pornography after 1983. However much a horror film this is, one can see Franco's preference toward pornography in the way the women characters of this film fare.

As the film opens, two buxom babes, who may be lesbians (another characteristic of Franco films) get lost driving through a desert in North Africa.  Holding hands (see picture above) they come across an oasis containing battlements of a destroyed Nazi WW2 convoy.  Awakened are Nazi zombies who then grab our girls and eat them.  In 1943, this Nazi convoy carrying millions of dollars worth of gold was ambushed at this oasis.  The only two survivors were one allied and one Nazi commander.  Decades later, these two meet to go back for the gold.  The German Colonel (Eduardo Fajardo) kills his allied partner out of greed and races to the oasis with his hot wife (Lina Romay).  From Europe, the son of the allied commander, Robert (Manuel Gelin) races to North Africa to find the oasis.  He brings his main squeeze, Sylvie (Caroline Audret), who is useless but looks great in short-shorts and white boots.  They meet up with a professor and his assistant, the beautiful Erika (France Lomay).

As the Colonel's expedition fails, he makes it back to civilization as a drooling insane mad-man.  His wife, wasn't so lucky, as she was stripped and had her organs ripped out and eaten.  The zombies are cool, and most have worms crawling out of their faces.  Robert ignores the Colonel's rantings about the living dead, and brings his crew to the oasis.  Erika and the professor arrive first and are attacked, but survive.  When Robert, his gal, and team arrive, Erika's spirits improve and she gets naked with one of the male's in the expedition.  As if by cue, her nakedness seems to call the zombies, and they converge.  As the zombies begin munching members of the expedition and pursuing Erika (see picture below), Robert (...with no help from his hot girlfriend) begins to mount a defense.  Then, for a contender in the "Did He Really Say That" award, someone yells "Lets get some bottles and make Molotov cocktails...just like at school."  Which school?

The conclusion is fiery and philosophical.  Will Robert and Sylvie end up with the gold?  Will Erika learn that nakedness and pre-marital sex lead to doom in these types of movies, before it's too late? Available on Netflix in less than perfect quality, this will please fans of Euro-horror, Drive-Ins, and erotic themed films.  See "Oasis of the Zombies," especially if you have never seen a Jesus Franco film.

Gog, The Misogynist Machines

Richard Egan is an interesting fellow.  In the army during WW2, he taught Judo and bayonet fighting.  A devout Catholic, he believed marriage was forever, and had five children with his wife.  Egan waited for the right woman.  Though he dated Susan Hayward, Patricia Hardy won his heart.  Constance Dowling also stayed married to the same man until her death.  Dowling married Ivan Tors (the producer of today's feature).  Unfortunately, Dowling's death was too premature, falling prey to cardiac arrest at the age of 49.  Tors and Dowling had three children, plus a foster child from Kenya.  Egan and Dowling star in today's feature, 1954's "Gog."

As our film begins, scientists in a top secret underground lab are conducting experiments which will lead the construction of a space station.  Then, apparent sabotage strikes.  Dr. Hubertus and the sultry Dr. Kirby (Aline Towne) are killed when they are locked in their refrigeration room (see picture above) as the temperatures are adjusted to -85 degrees.  Unlike most government facilities, this lab has a plethora of beautiful female scientists.  Sadly, most of these brainy vixens will be killed off by some menacing force.  David (Egan), a secret government agent, is sent to the lab to figure out what went wrong.  He meets up with Joanna (Dowling) who works at the lab, but is actually a covert agent for our government, and David's girlfriend (see picture below).  Convenient.  As David begins to investigate, more beautiful women begin to die.  David asks a chemist analyze some metal, which could be a clue.  The chemist, Marna (Jean Dunn) is a blonde cutie, but succumbs to radiation poison when someone or something plants radioactive isotopes in her lab.  

As more pretty blondes fall, David makes some frightening discoveries.  The super computer (NOVAC) which controls the facility seems to be acting on it's own.  The NOVAC controls two robots, Gog and Magog (isn't there something biblical about this?) which appear to be acting on their own.  Is there a misogynist on the loose, or has a foreign power infiltrated the lab?  David and Joanna must hurry, as all indications are that something....or someone, is bent on incinerating the lab by causing a nuclear reaction.  As Gog and Magog begin a deadly rampage, our surviving scientists fight back with flamethrowers.  Here is an important movie rule, take heed!  Whenever characters go for a ride in a hot air balloon, the movie will ultimately suck.  However, when flamethrowers are introduced into the plot...well...the film will always be a worthwhile endeavor.  

Will David be able to save pretty Joanna from being melted down by radiation?  Is the disaster that befalls this underground lab the reason why the U.S. government doesn't hire sexy women as scientists, anymore?  As David gets closer and closer to solving the mystery before him, the NOVAC and it's robot friends focus their efforts on nuclear annihilation.  Available on Netflix, this is a terrific 1950s B Movie.     

 

Death Ship, .and the Bloodiest Shower Scene Ever!

For the first time in almost three months, we will look at a horror film, set in the Atlantic Ocean, and starring George Kennedy (see my entry on "Uninvited" from June 27th).  1980's "Death Ship" is a creepy and atmospheric ghost tale which features the bloodiest shower scene ever put on celluloid.  Capitalizing on the popularity of "The Love Boat," our film begins on a cruise ship captained by a very grouchy George Kennedy, who is sick of dining with blue haired old ladies.  Listed sixth in the credits is Victoria Burgoyne (an English actress most famous for her role in the "Dr. Who" TV show), who dies the goriest death while showering (see picture below).

Lets face it, if we are watching a masquerade party on a cruise ship, something bad is about to happen. Cpt. Ashland (Kennedy) is only attending because he is avoiding the over-55 gala.  This is his last voyage before he hands the ship over to Marshall (Richard Crenna), who doesn't mind dancing with blue-hairs.  Somewhere nearby is a gigantic black freighter.  This freighter charges the cruise ship and sinks her.  In a makeshift lifeboat, Marshall, his wife (Sally Anne Hawes), his two really annoying, snot-nosed children, a lunatic blue-hair (Kate Reid), a skank (Burgoyne), the purser (Nick Mancuso), and the entertainment director (Saul Rubinek).  Then out of nowhere, Cpt. Ashland rises to the surface in an unconscious state.  In the middle of the Atlantic, hopes for rescue are slim.  Then, very mysteriously, appears this big freighter...seemingly deserted and derelict.  Our castaways climb aboard and immediately are beset by macabre events.  Mercifully, the annoying cruise director is eerily tangled in a rope and thrown overboard...and drowned.  No one is too broken up about this, as his jokes were never funny.

Unknown to the rest of the castaways, Cpt. Ashland becomes possessed by the ship.  This ship has 1940s decor (including a Betty Grable pin-up), and all the signs are written in German.  Apparently this ship roams the Atlantic, trapping sailors on board, torturing them, and using their blood to power the engines.  After the annoying blue-hair eats some 1940s mints and becomes deformed, Cpt. Ashland strangles her, stating, "At least she won't be a pain anymore."  The ship appears to be reading their minds, shutting down all means of escape, including the lifeboats.  With no apparent means of escape, Lori and the purser decide to take a shower together (...why not?), with bloody results.  As Cpt. Ashland falls deeper under the control of the evil spirits controlling this vessel, Marshall and his family need to look for other ways off the vessel.  Their search uncovers meat lockers full of dead bodies and torture devices.  Meanwhile, our possessed captain finds a rifle and begins hunting down the Marshall family.

Will the Marshalls' escape this evil ship?  Will Cpt. Ashland shake free of the evil spirits?  Is the shower scene a morality statement....displaying the down-side of pre-marital sex?  This film, including the shower scene, is available on YouTube.  The derelict ship is creepy, and a perfect setting for a ghost story.  If the characters of "The Love Boat" annoyed you, watch this film and imagine it is them who are meeting the gory deaths before your eyes.

'Gator Bait, Another Tragic End for a Playboy Playmate

From the Drive-In Exploitation Hall of Fame comes 1974's "'Gator Bait."  This film stars the 1970 Playmate of the Year, Claudia Jennings.  Jennings almost made it as a TV icon, but Shelley Hack barely beat her out as Kate Jackson's replacement in "Charley's Angels." After two perilous relationships with the wrong guys, Jennings appeared to be on her way to being a mainstream actress.  This was not to be, unfortunately.  In October of 1979, she fell asleep at the wheel of her VW convertible in Malibu, resulting in her death at the age of 29.  The next year, another Playboy Playmate, Dorothy Stratten would also suffer a violent and untimely death (see my entry on "Galaxina" from July 23rd).

The temptation to label "Gator Bait" as a hybrid of 1978's "I Spit on Your Grave" and 1981's "Southern Comfort" (both films have received critical acclaim over the past 30 years) should be avoided.  In actuality, "'Gator Bait" pre-dated both those films, and influenced their creation.  In this bloody revenge tale, Desiree (Jennings) is spied on by Deputy Billy Boy (Clyde Ventura) and Ben.  Their plan is to rape her, but when they see her poaching alligators, they chase her in their swamp boat.  Hers is faster, but during the pursuit, Billy Boy accidentally shoots Ben in the head.  Not wanting to get into trouble, Billy Boy frames Desiree, and now Billy Boy's sheriff father, and Ben's family hunts her down.  Ben's family, real swamp rednecks, are a prize and a half.  When they are introduced, Ben's brother is trying to rape his sister, much to the sister's glee.  The Sheriff, Billy Boy, and the Bracken family then board two swamp boats and venture deep into the swamps to exact justice on the innocent Desiree.

Our posse arrives at Desiree's swamp home, but she isn't there. Unfortunately for Desiree's beautiful and pure sister, Julie (Janit Baldwin), and mute little brother, they are home.  The posse then gang rapes Julie and put a shotgun barrel...well...I am not going to say where they stuck it, but Julie is killed when the trigger is pulled.  Desiree makes up her mind that she will hunt the men down and exact swamp justice on them.  The posse returns and believe they are chasing Desiree.  They soon figure out that Desiree is luring them deeper into this swamp to inflict slow tortuous deaths upon them.  With snakes, 'gators, booby-traps, and bullets, Desiree picks them off one at a time. 

Will Desiree be able to finish her vendetta before the Bracken family turns the tables on her?  Will the Cajun-Redneck community ever shake the harmful stereotypes perpetuated by this film?  This movie is gritty and serious, with much uncomfortable imagery.  One may try to find deeper meaning in this film by portraying Desiree as a metaphor for the swamp.....endangered.  Which ever way this film is looked at, it's influence in future revenge flicks can be easily detected, including both "I Spit on Your Grave" films. 

Drive In Massacre, William Castle would be Proud

The much maligned "Drive In Massacre," which hit the drive ins in 1977, is actually very under-rated.  I saw this movie with my dad at the drive-in theater in West Roxbury, Massachusetts..and we had so much fun.  This film marked the first time I had ever seen a decapitation...at least on film.  As for 1977, this was an infinitely better film than "Annie Hall" or "The Goodbye Girl."  Only 74 minutes in length, the actors in this flick ply their trade better than Diane Keaton did in her 1970s movies.  Available on YouTube, in less than average quality, fans of the Drive In genre have to see this movie.

 The plot:  An attractive couple, in their car at a drive-in, is engaging in heavy petting which is leading to pre-marital sex.  The idiot boyfriend breaks his lip lock on his babe because he is suddenly interested in the film. As he reaches for a speaker, a maniac slices his head off with a sword.  When his rejected girlfriend screams, she gets the same sword through her neck (see picture below). Detective Koch ( Bruce Kimball) and Detective Leary (John F. Goff) are assigned the case and visit the crime scene.  They meet the theater manager Austin Johnson (Robert E. Pearson), an Anton Lavey wannabe.  Johnson hates everyone, and in true 1970s vernacular, loves to call people "pukes." Twas a poetic time, the 1970s was!  The detectives also meet Germy (Douglas Gudbye), the weird janitor.  Germy is their first suspect, as in his former job he was a sword-swallower at a carnival.

Completely unsympathetic to his nymphomaniac clientele, Johnson keeps the drive in open.  The next night, a married man and his mistress are getting it on in their car when our maniac from the morality police shish-kabobs them with a sword.  The detectives now consider Johnson a suspect, too.  Apparently Johnson was also a sword-swallower, before he became a barker at that same carnival.  The plot thickens as our detective duo (see picture below) identify a peeping-tom who was seen near the cars in which the couples were murdered.  After interrogating Johnson, one detective remarks, "They may have closed the carnival, but the freaks are still hanging around, and we just talked to the choicest one."  As our conclusion approaches, the detectives go undercover at the drive-in, and of course, our killer also shows up.  

Some suggest the Peter Bogdanovice film "Targets" (Boris Karloff's final film) inspired "Drive In Massacre."  However, the ending just oozes of William Castle films.  Directed by Stu Segall, this film sought to involve the audience in the film...a la William Castle's "The Tingler."  After seeing the movie, I couldn't wait to go back to school on Monday and tell all my friends about it.  When describing the kills to my friends in home room, for the only time in my junior high school career, I had everyone's attention.  

The Boogens, Grab a Coors and Enjoy those Tentacled Monster Things

Later this week Rebecca Balding will turn 59 years old.  In her days as a scream queen, she could be described as cute, perky, sassy, vulnerable, alluring and playful.  In today's feature, "The Boogens" from 1981 and "The Silent Scream" from 1979, she played that character to the hilt.  Most of us older guys remember her as the nurse and Billy Crystal's wife in "Soap," and today's audiences know Ms. Balding for her supporting roles in the TV show "Charmed." Married to the director of this film (James L. Conway), Ms. Balding isn't the only star with a famous hubby.  Her co-star, Anne-Marie Martin, at one time, was married to author Michael Crichton.  So...in the most famous film ever to engage in product placement for Coors beer, lets delve into "The Boogens."

The plot: The mine in Silver City closed in 1912 after unusual collapses and the mysterious disappearance of 27 miners.  Now four men enter the mine to re-open it.  As they unseal blocked tunnels, something is ready to come out. The next day, two of the miners, and hunks, Mark (Fred McCarren) and Roger (Jeff Harlan) move into a home.  Their landlady (the beautiful Marcia Reider) is not there to meet them, as she was dragged away by a boogen the night before.  Our miners are very fortunate, Jessica (Martin) and Trish (Balding) arrive, and they will engage in lots of pre-marital sex together.  Fred falls in love with Trish, probably because he keeps seeing her naked.  Also in the house is Tiger, a very annoying poodle....fortunately the boogens eat him.  Unbeknownst to our nymphomaniac quartet, a secret passageway from the mine leads to their basement...and now the boogens are loose and in a wandering (and homicidal) mood.

As Trish begins to discover the mystery of the mine, Roger and Mark continue to assist in clearing out tunnels that have caved in.  Unknown to Mark, Trish, and Jessica, Roger falls prey to the creature pictured below as he parks his pick-up in the garage.  In a very exciting final 30 minutes Mark makes some shocking discoveries in the old mine concerning the fate of those missing miners in 1912 and what is still living down there.  Meanwhile Trish heads back to the house as Jessica hops in the shower, and the boogens head up a mine shaft to the house.  As the poodle is gobbled up, a boogen sets it's sights on Jessica, who is all wet and clad only in a towel.  Will Mark and Jessica be able to save her?

The ending is frightening, and of course has our protagonists descending into the mine where the lair of these monster's is located.  To think our kids never knew a world where Coors was only available west of the Mississippi.  What "My Bloody Valentine" (see my review last June 1st) did for Moosehead Beer, "The Boogens" does for Coors.  Well acted with four great looking actors/actresses, this film was praised by Stephen King when it hit the theaters.  Now available on DVD, this is a film a fan of 1980s horror must see.  Happy Birthday, Ms. Balding.