Chocolate, "Rain Man" meets "Kill Bill"

Wow!  From Thailand comes the best martial arts movie of the past 20 years.  Where "Rain Man" gave us an autistic protagonist who could count cards, 2008's "Chocolate" gives us an autistic protagonist skilled in the martial arts and samurai swordsmanship.  The tag line which opens this film is as follows, "A special needs girl...with a special need....to kick some a**."  Stitches, compound fractures, concussions, broken noses, spine injuries, etc., not necessarily in the plot, but the downfall of many actor, extra, and stuntman during the filming.  No harnesses, CGI, stop-motion filming, all real martial arts.

The plot: Zin (Ammara Siripong) and Masashi (Hiroshi Abe) are lovers.  Masashi is a Japanese crime lord who is the rival of a Thai crime boss.  Zin works for the Thai one, and breaks away from him to save Masashi from being gunned down.  Now on the run from the Thai, she sends Masashi back to Japan when she realizes that she is pregnant with Zen (Jee Ja Yanin, pictured above).  Zen is born, and is diagnosed autistic.  Former enforcer and drug runner in the Thai gang, Zin becomes a devoted mother in a culture with no need for a special needs child.  Living in a nice house with all the money she earned, Zin must move to a slummier abode when her former boss finds her and cuts off her toe.  Things get worse when Zin develops terminal cancer and begins to deteriorate in front of Zen's eyes.  Moom (Taphon Phopwandee), Zin's nephew, moves in with them and he and Zen earn money with their street act.  Autistic Zen has amazing coordination and concentration and can catch anything thrown at her.

The money is not coming in fast enough to pay Zin's chemotherapy bills.  Moom finds Zin's notebook of all the Thais who owe her money.  Him and Zen attempt to collect and are met with hostility (see above photo).  Under attack, Zen, who has watched thousands of hours of martial arts movies, then goes to work.  She repels the attacks, usually by disposing of 20 or 30 gang thugs.  After collecting from a lumber yard boss, an ice house owner, and a butcher in a slaughterhouse, Zen probably disposes of 80 attackers, and collects the money for her mom's treatment.  Unbeknownst to her mom, Zen and Moom are driving the Thai boss' allies out of business, so Zin's former boss goes after her, Moom and Zen.  Close to death, Zin needs a way to protect Zen and Moom, and beckons her former lover, Masashi, to return.     

An epic final battle will occur with all the above mentioned players.  I lost count, but there had to be 200 casualties in this film.  In addition to the carnage, the movie has some of the most heartbreaking scenes one can imagine.  When autistic Zen, who does not cope with change, sees her mom's hair falling out because of cancer treatment, her reaction will yank at your heartstrings.  If Dustin Hoffman's portrayal of autistic Raymond impressed the heck out of you, Jee Ja Yanin's depiction on Zen will do the same.  

Hundra, The Feminized Deathstalker

1983 was a big year for grunting, swords, mayhem, and medieval rape.  Both "Deathstalker" (reviewed on this blog on March 3rd) and "Hundra" hit the screens.  Those who enjoy strong women characters will love Hundra, and cheer when she states, "I would prefer the feel of a horse between my legs than that of a man..." Laurene Landon ("Maniac Cop" and "America 3000") has the title role, and the beautiful actress delivers a terrific performance and executes her own stunts.  When Hundra rides a horse or engages in sword fights, she looks legit. No cut away footage, or a lame fencing technique here, Landon obviously trained intensely for this role.

The plot: A tribe of females has lived in the mountains in order to escape a male society that enslaves it's women and treats them purely as sex toys.  Occasionally the women venture into the cities to find men to impregnate them.  When the women give birth, boys are given away and the girls are raised as warriors.  One fateful day, while Hundra is hunting, her tribe is attacked by barbaric men who grunt a lot.  The entire population is massacred, and Hundra's beloved sister is gang raped and decapitated.  Hundra is then found by these fiends and pursued.  Fortunately for our protagonist, she offs 15 of her pursuers with her sword, a spear, and daggers.  In a daze, she stumbles onto a holy city where a high priestess convinces her to rebuild the tribe.  The first step, getting pregnant and birthing a girl.  Hundra's next quest almost makes her vomit....find a man.  Without online dating services, she finds the lone survivor of the barbarians that pursued her.  However adept she is at killing and equestrian, her ability to pick guys will give you dads out there nightmares.  

Happy to see Hundra, our barbarian fiend goes right to work. He delivers several loud, wet burps and starts pummeling Hundra.  After knocking her around, and burping some more, he attempts to violently rape her.  Realizing that this courtship is one sided, she fights him off and flees to the city.  After fleeing the chieftain's soldiers, who want her as a participant in orgies, she meets the guy of her dreams.  Unfortunately, this guy actually wants to get to know her before having sex.....men!!!!  She then puts herself through charm school, does her hair, applies make-up, and sheds her black leather wardrobe for some white intimates (see photo below).  Desiring to produce a female child, Hundra never intended to actually fall in love with the man who would plant the seed...but she does.  Unfortunately, the chieftain pursues her, determined to break her spirit and reduce her to a submissive concubine. 

                                     

Will Hundra's new feelings of love hamper her ability to effectively repel the chieftain's maniacal desires for her?  Will her love for the father of her child turn off feminist movie-goers?  Laurene Landon is so much fun to watch, and the action sequences and stunts are plentiful.  The musical score is terrific and done by Ennio Morricone.  This movie is worth a view, and please see Laurene Landon in her other films, as in the 1980s, I put her on a par with Lana Clarkson and Brigitte Nielsen.

Future Women, Shirley Eaton Conquers the World

If you are still distressed over Shirley Eaton's torturous demise in "Goldfinger," 1969's "Future Women" (aka "Rio 70," aka "The Girl From Rio") is the film for you.  Shot in Spain, set in Rio, Eaton plays man-hating Sumitra, who with an army of beautiful women, plans to conquer the world.  This film overflows with hot damsels in much distress, and is a B Movie fan's ultimate fantasy.

The plot: Undercover (literally) detective Jeff Sutton arrives at an exclusive hotel and Rio and immediately demands a manicurist and hair stylist.  Who says there are no more manly men?  Actually his manicurist is a beauty, Leslye (Maria Rohn).  Together they have lots of premarital sex, and do all sorts of romantic inanities.  Uh oh!  Masius (George Sanders), who heads a huge crime syndicate knows that Jeff has come to Rio because he fled the U.S. having absconded with $10 million.  Also, in a nearby secret compound, Sumitra leads an army of man-hating babes.  In an attempt to conquer the world, the women lure the richest men to the compound and steal their money...the men of course never leave.  Sumitra also knows Jeff has a briefcase with millions in it, and desires to possess it.  On the run from Masius' gang, Leslye helps Jeff escape.  Leslye is actually a secret agent for Sumitra and tricks Jeff to get on a plane which delivers him to Sumitra.  Meanwhile, Masius captures Leslye and beats the stuffing out of her in order to learn her secrets.

Bent on torturing him, Sumitra falls in love with Jeff.  The joke is on Sumitra!  There is no stolen loot.  Jeff wanted to be captured because his real job is to find Ulla (Marta Reves), who is the daughter of a wealthy businessman.  Sumitra captured her and is torturing her to break her will, so she will join the cause.  Sumitra's affection for Jeff makes Yuma jealous.  Yuma is Sumitra's lesbian lover. Seeing that Jeff is now monopolizing Sumitra's affections, Yuma rigs it so Jeff can escape with Ulla.  Meanwhile back in Rio, Leslye is enduring excruciating beatings and torture from Masius' men, and is released when Masius believes he has her loyalty.  Now that Masius knows about Sumitra's treasure, he forms an evil but grand strategy.  With his own air force, and an army of brutish criminals, he will raid the island, kill all the women, and claim the gold and cash.  To do this, he needs Jeff to show him the way in.  This results in an epic war in which so many of Sumitra's beautiful soldiers get mowed down by Masius' helicopter gunships.....very sad!

How will Masius strong-arm Jeff to return to Masius' compound?  In 2014, are we ready for an action hero who demands a hair-stylist and manicurist?  This movie was made in Europe...perhaps its a European thing?  Will Sumitra and her army be able to repel the invasion?  As stunning and menacing as Shirley Eaton is as our femme fatale, Maria Rohm, as Leslye, steals the show.  She shoots lots of guns and goes toe to toe, usually unsuccessfully, with all the villains in this story.  We cheer for her, no matter which side she appears to be on in any particular scene.  Even with the beatings and water torture she is subjected to, this beauty never loses control, and never whimpers.  If she were a stewardess instead of a manicurist, perhaps a movie would have been made about her character battling super-villains.  For campy, and very guilty pleasures, see "Future Women."     

Robo Vampire, China's answer to Robo Cop

I found Paul Verhoeven's "Robo Cop" a bit preachy and self-serving.  Apparently the Chinese did as well, because the next year (1988), "Robo Vampire" was made in China.  A cross between Lucio Fulci's "Zombie" and "Robo Cop," this film capitalizes on the gore and violence without pushing forth an agenda.  Badly dubbed, and really corny martial arts only act to heighten the charm of this Asian cinematic achievement.

The plot: When you watch this film, don't worry about the plot....believe me...it'll come together eventually.  Mr. Young runs an international heroine operation in the middle of Asia's "Golden Triangle."  Vampires, who look more like Fulci zombies, are created by Young to guard their operation.  The vampires hop like rabbits, hold their arms straight out, are adept at martial arts, and munch rather than bite.  Young's people have created a super vampire which looks more like a hopping gorilla than it does Bela Lugosi.  Unfortunately, the girl who the gorilla-vampire was supposed to marry, died.  Now this unfortunate soul comes back as a ghost.  She agrees to serve Young if he weds these two poor saps...which he does.  Enough of this foolishness for now.  Drug agents try everything to get to Young's jungle compound.  Young's people kill two of the top agents and kidnap another, the sexy Sophie.  Instead of killing Sophie, Young wants to slap her around a bit (see photo below) and subject her to Chinese water torture.  

One of the dead agents is immediately converted into a robot (see photo below).  The robo-agent (actually not a vampire) then pursues the Young organization in order to free the helpless and vulnerable Sophie.  The agency also hires a band of mercenaries to free Sophie from Young's tortuous clutches.  Young dispatches his henchmen, who all run into gunfire, and the super-gorilla-vampire and his bride...the ghost, to fend off and destroy Robo Vampire. This all sets up an exciting jungle-combat conclusion with lots of gunfights and explosions, not to mention world-class martial arts.

Will Robo Vampire and the mercenaries be able to rescue Sophie before Young has his way with her?  Will our newlyweds (the ghost and the gorilla-vampire) break away from Young and join the forces of good?  This film is tons of fun and very violent.  If you liked those badly dubbed kung-fu movies that used to play on Saturday mornings, "Robo Vampire" is the film for you.

Galaxina, Dorothy Stratten, Dorothy Stratten, and Dorothy Stratten...

1980's "Galaxina" is a chapter in one of Hollywood's most brutal stories over the past 50 years.  Dorothy Stratten, an awkward girl from Vancouver, blossoms into a real beauty.  She is whisked to Hollywood by a Svengali type figure, Paul Snider.  Snider is an idea man with a big cocaine problem. He marries Stratten.  Hollywood and Hugh Heffner (Playboy) are very interested in Stratten, but not Snider.  Peter Bogdanovich fell madly in love with her, and Playboy was about to announce that Stratten was their choice for Playmate of the Year.  As she was making "Galaxina," Snider would harass her on the set.  Now estranged from Stratten, he convinced her to pay him a visit.  When Stratten arrived at his apartment, he brutally raped her and blew her face off with a shotgun, before committing suicide with that same shotgun.  She is most famous, in film, for her role in "Galaxina" and as Miss Cosmos in an episode of "Buck Rogers in the 25th Century."

The plot: In the year 3008, an inter-galactic police cruiser is patrolling the outer reaches of the universe.  It's captain is Cornelius Butt (Avery Schreiber), and his right hand man is Sgt. Thor (Stephen Macht).  Galaxina (Stratten) is a robot on the vessel and she acts as a maid, waitress, and sometimes a power source for their force-field. The stunning robot also has a defense feature, if touched by a human, that poor sap gets a stiff jolt of electricity (sort of a futuristic chastity belt).  Galaxina is all robot and doesn't speak until one day Thor cannot resist her beauty and braves the electric shock and plants a big kiss on her. Though a very painful endeavor on his part, Thor tells her "it was worth the pain."  This also does something to Galaxina as she experiences emotions for the first time.  During a port-of-call, the crew visits a cat-house, and when she sees Thor kiss a prostitute, Galaxina sheds tears.  

Meanwhile, the crew is given orders to retrieve "The Blue Crystal."  You know, the proverbial crystal that all who possess it may have rule over the universe.  To get to the planet where it is located, the crew must spend 27 years in cryogenic sleep.  In those 27 years, Galaxina reprograms herself so when the crew wakes, she can talk and seduce.  When Thor awakes, Galaxina has no problem getting him to fall in love with her (this film came out before "Blade Runner").  As the cruiser is attacked by the evil Ordric (who also wants the crystal), they crash land on the planet.  Because of the planet's atmosphere, only Galaxina can venture into a town populated by aliens who eat humans and retrieve the crystal.  Galaxina will come face to face with the evil Ordric and attempt to use her seductive powers to defeat him.  She will also be captured and tied up by a 1950's type motorcycle gang who worships the god Harley Davidson.  

Will Galaxina escape her bondage and return to the spaceship with the crystal?  Will her romance with Thor get past some obvious technical issues (Thor asks himself, "I wonder if she has a .........?")?  Stratten is the draw of this film.  The bloody events that followed the creation of "Galaxina" may be the reason why this film was hardly seen when it came out.  The film spoofs "Alien," "2001: A Space Odyssey," "Star Trek," "High Noon," and "Star Wars."  If still alive, Stratten would be in her 50s and no doubt gracing audiences as a guest at science fiction conventions.  See "Galaxina," for an interesting and fun time, despite it's place inside a real life horror story.

Rodentz, Man vs. Those Icky Little Buggers

Alexandra Townsend (see photo below) is best known as the gal featured in ads for Smirnoff Ice and AXE Men's Products.  A beautiful actress, she is of course stunning in today's blog entry, 2001's "Rodentz" (aka "Altered Species").  However captivating her character Chelsea is, a discerning B Movie fan recognizes, as the movie begins, she is listed sixth in the credits.  In absolutely every instance, no exception, the actor/actress listed sixth in the credits dies the goriest death.  We do get to see her for an hour before her face is bitten off by a six-foot mutant rat, so all is not lost.....unless you are Chelsea.

The plot: Professor Irwin (Guy Vieg) is grouchy and makes lots of mistakes.  In other words, he will not be the pioneer who cures cancer....but Irwin doesn't know that.  His new serum makes rats psycho, and really strong.  His student assistant, Walter (Allen Lee Haff of "Ice Crawlers," see my review of Jan. 20th) tries to tell him that the new batch of serum is no good.  Why let a few mistakes get in the way of saving mankind?  In fact, the university threw Irwin off campus because his experiments were a bit....out there.  Rats in the basement drink this serum as Walter pours it down the sink, and the pipes leak down there.  Also, one of the lab rats is growing at biblical proportion and will be 300 pounds in a few hours.  As the rats turn spazoid (thank you, Sarah LaFleur...the real creator of this word), they turn Irwin's cute tabby into puree, eat the janitor, and then...ironically...Irwin as he looks for the cat.  Not to worry, five of Walter's university friends are coming to party with him.

Alicia (Leah Rowan) convinces Walter to let them in using her female "charm." As our six students convene in the lab, it is not yet apparent to them that they are being hunted by thousands of rats, and one six-foot mutant rat.  So Walter's friends agree to help him find the rat that busted out of it's cage.  Frank (David Bradley) and Chelsea use this opportunity to engage in premarital sex.  Of course you can guess what happens to them, as this is the scene where Chelsea is separated from her face.  The surviving students are now in a panic and are grasping for strategies to survive the onslaught.  Walter and Alicia emerge as the two most level headed characters, and together they concoct a strategy to kill the rats and last the night.  

Will Walter and Alicia ensure that man's place at the top of the food chain is secure?  Will AXE Men's Products and Smirnoff use Chelsea's fate as gimmicks in future ad campaigns?  The acting and gore are both fairly good.  The use of a rat-cam is kinda of neat.  This movie has plenty of upsides, and if you watch it on Netflix, you won't be disappointed. 

Dracula's Widow, Sylvia Kristel R.I.P.

Almost two years ago, Sylvia Kristel succumbed to cancer at the age of 60.  The beauty from the Netherlands is still famous for three "Emmanuelle" movies in the 1970s.  Her erotic performances in those films turned a lot of adolescents into temporary foreign film fans, as they were frequently played on HBO or other movie channels late at night.  In 1988, she had the title role in Christopher Coppola's "Dracula's Widow."  Christopher Coppola delivers a better movie than his uncle Francis did four years later when he made "Bram Stoker's Dracula."  Though released in 1988, Coppola made "Dracula's Widow" in the style of the great Film Noir films of the 1950s, complete with seedy L.A. neighborhoods, dark alleys, cynical old police detectives, and an ultimate femme fatale.

The plot:  Raymond (Lenny von Dohlen) owns a wax museum in Hollywood.  Six crates from Romania arrive at his store (even though he ordered only five), as he is creating a Dracula display.  Retiring for the night, two burglars break in and plan to steal valuable antiques.  Unfortunately for them, Vanessa, Dracula's widow, pops out of one crate and drinks the blood of one of the perpetrators.  Vanessa then heads to a seedy jazz bar and pick up a local L.A. radio personality.  He takes Vanessa to a park to make-out, and Vanessa bites his face off and drinks his blood.  Back to the museum she goes and meets the timid Raymond.  Raymond is shocked, and Vanessa bites him (see photo below), making him her slave.  Under her spell, Raymond is cold to his girlfriend Jenny (Rachel Jones) unless he looks at her jugular vein.

The hapless Raymond chauffeurs Vanessa through the seedier parts of L.A. so she can nourish herself, while he settles for eating pigeons.  At one point, Vanessa comes across some Satan worshipers as they are disemboweling a beautiful blonde.  She joins in the ritual, and discombubulates all 15 of them after the ceremony.  Crusty old Detective Hap Lannon (Josef Summer) shows up, with Van Helsing's grandson, and together they look for Vanessa.  The corpses piling up all have neck wounds, and mangled faces.  Hap doesn't believe in vampires until Helsing brings him to the morgue where the dead victims come to life as they are staked in the heart.  Meanwhile, Jenny is distraught over Raymond's aloofness, and on Vanessa's radar screen.  Vanessa must kill Jenny, as vampires do not deal with jealousy well.  As Hap and Jenny try to save Raymond, Vanessa gets deadlier. 

Will Hap and Jenny save Raymond from Vanessa's spell?  Will Jenny survive Vanessa's wrath?  Will Vanessa blend in to the seedy L.A. nightlife?  Fans of Film Noir will love what Christopher Coppola has delivered here.  Sylvia Kristel is exotic and menacing, and Josef Sommer as Hap turns in a terrific Film Noir type performance.  Don't waste your time with the 1992 Coppola vampire film, enjoy Christopher Coppola's "Dracula's Widow."  This film is on Netflix.