Sting of Death, Beer, Broads, and Jellyfish

Q:  What do we get when we combine "The Horror of Party Beach" with "Creature From the Black Lagoon"?  A: Nirvana, aka 1965's "Sting of Death." In addition to a really cheesy monster, we get to hear Neil Sedaka sing "Do The Jellyfish" as 20 coeds in swimsuits wriggle and jiggle to it by the pool.

                

If you were a fan of "Land of the Giants" you will remember Deanna  Lund.  She plays Jessica in this cinematic achievement and is cast here with about 15 other bathing beauties...who all end up annihilated by the creature...very sad!  The plot:  Karen, and her fellow biology major friends (all babes) visit her dad's island in the Everglades.  Her dad is experimenting with jellyfish, trying to make them bigger (who knows why?).  Just before Karen arrives, her dad's sexy, bikini-clad assistant is dragged to her underwater death by the jellyfish-creature while she attempted to sunbathe (see pictures above).  No one seems to miss her.  Then the obnoxious guys arrive (more jellyfish bait) to party with the babes.

                                           

As the pool party progresses, the drunk college kids humiliate the Igor-like servant, Egon.  Unfortunately for them, Egon can turn himself into a six-foot Jellyfish creature (see picture below).  When Egon returns, he uses his acidic tendrils to scar some beauties and then kill about 15 of them as they try to escape. Egon always had a crush on Karen and plots to kidnap her and....well...do whatever jellyfish creatures do with attractive coeds (ask Roger Corman).  As the scientists venture into the swamp with Deanna Lund, who is also a SCUBA diver, the creature is waiting for them and picks off Lund just after she dives in.  Then back to the house, where he picks off one of Karen's showering friends and abducts the fainted damsel.                                    
Will Egon's biological achievement be recognized by the scientific community? Will Karen learn to love a homely sea-creature?  Will Karen's dad ever realize his sexy assistant is missing?  This movie is a lot of fun, and the creature is so bad...it's great.  After watching the excruciatingly bad Brad Pitt movie, "Killing Them Softly," "Sting of Death" was welcomed medicine!        

Piranha,Terror...Horror...Death...Film at 11

For B Movie, "Jaws" rip-offs, we can't beat Roger Corman's 1978 "Piranha."  Directed by Joe Dante ("Gremlins" and "The Twilight Zone") and featuring great acting by leads Heather Menzies ("The Sound of Music" and "Logans Run" TV show) and Bradford Dillman ("The Swarm" and "Bug"), this is a can't miss candidate for my B Movie Hall-of-Fame.  Then throw in performances by Barbara Steele ("She Beast") as the evil Dr. Mengers and Paul Bartel as the Vince Lombardi of summer camp directors, and we have a movie that never grows old, despite being almost 40 years of age.

The plot:  Two teen hikers, straight from Camp Crystal Lake, wander upon a secluded Top-Secret U.S. Army lab one night.  Of course, they go skinny dipping in it's pool.  What they didn't know is this lab houses Operation Razor Teeth, which mutates piranha to live in fresh and salt water.  Their swim is eaten short.  An investigator, Maggie (Menzies) happens upon this lab as she is hired to find the teens, with the help of the drunk Paul (Dillman), and they are met by the evil Dr. Hoak, played by Kevin McCarthy ("Invasion of the Body Snatchers"), but not before Maggie drains the pool into underground streams.  Hoak tells them that the Army originally wanted to set these vermin loose in the rivers of North Vietnam, but since that war ended, they would wait for the next one.  Realizing the piranha are now loose, Maggie and Paul race back to town where Paul's daughter is at a summer camp at the end of the river, and a new resort is opening.

If this isn't enough fun for you, the next 75 minutes are a roller-coaster of thrills.  The piranha eat Dr.Hoak, a canoeist, and Keenan Wynn's legs, before reaching the summer camp and resort...then this flick is ramped-up even more.  Barbara Steele arrives with the army and takes over for Hoak.  She is brilliant as the mad Dr. Mengers.  Complete with an English accent, she pronounces these toothy fish, pir-un-yia.  Mengers was Hoak's lover, and refers to this mad-scientist as a "dreamer."  Menzies is terrific as the enthusiastic yet naive investigator.  Dillman, is also good as the drunk, pathetic Paul.  Given the subject matter, and produced by Roger Corman, bikini clad gals, buckets of blood, and an all-out gore fest for an ending are guaranteed.

An interesting note of trivia, this story was written by John Sayles ("The Brother From Another Planet" and "Eight Men Out").  This horror flick masterfully stirs in enough humor to relieve the tension.  You say, "Ordinary People," and folks say "Huh? What?"  Now you say "Piranha," and everyone knows what you're talking about.      

Barbarian Queen, Before there was Xena, there was Lana Clarkson

It is hard to believe Phil Spector shot Lana Clarkson ("Scarface" and "Deathstalker") to death over a decade ago.  In today's blog entry we will look at her most famous flick, 1985's "Barbarian Queen."  This film pre-dated the hit TV show, "Xena: Warrior Princess," and obviously had some influence in it's creation.  Casting a nearly six-foot, blonde actress in the title role, arming her with a big sword, and dressing her in revealing barbarian fashion, is enough to compensate for some sub-par acting.

   The plot:  Amethea (Clarkson) is bathing just before her wedding to the handsome and good Prince Argon.  Uh-oh!  The evil Romans led by the even more evil Arrakur invade the barbarian village.  The Romans rape most of the women and kill most of the men.  Amethea quickly dresses and fights them off.  Unfortunately for her wedding plans, her fiance has been captured and her little sister Taramis, played by Dawn Dunlap ("Forbidden World") was brutally raped by Arrakur.  With no village remaining, no groom, and a dead caterer, Amethea grabs her beautiful sisters and sets out on a journey of revenge.

Amethea and her equally scantily clad sisters reach Arrakur's stronghold and sneak in via hidden tunnels.  The plan, a good one, coordinate with the rebels (Uh-Oh!  They are led by a one-eyed, one-armed geeky grouch!), find Prince Argon and his fellow captives (who are scheduled to become fodder for Arrakur's gladiators) and start an uprising against the evil Romans.  Taramis sneaks into Arrakur's harem with the idea of getting close enough to him to deposit a dagger between his shoulder blades.  Unfortunately for Amethea and her sisters they are each captured and sent to the torture chamber where they are interrogated, put on the rack, and raped.   

Will all the sisters survive to escape, overthrow the Romans, and resurrect the wedding plans?  Will Amethea deliver to the Roman plunderers and rapists a fate they deserve?  The Romans are cast as out-of-shape couch potato types, which make it believable when Lana Clarkson decimates them with sword and fists.  The action is aplenty, but viewers should be aware, so are the rape scenes.  In addition to influencing the creators of "Xena," this film is probably the forerunner of all those "bride-zilla" type reality shows on TLC and Lifetime (though you guys will probably enjoy this movie a lot more).  

The Chilling, Cryogenics, Zombies, and Linda Blair

Picture this.  Uncle Zach, who grew smelly and grouchy in his last few years on this mortal coil, dies!  Because of imaginative estate planning, he is deposited in deep freeze at the local cryogenics lab.  One month later, Aunt Irma gives his clothes to Goodwill.  Two months later, Aunt Irma passes around his diary and we find out that Zach liked to wear Victoria's Secret intimates.  Three months later, Aunt Irma delivers Zach's mangy, old St. Bernard to the pound and begins to date a golf pro.  Six months later, Zach walks through the front door, reeking of cryogenic fluid and drooling.  While our government tries to alarm us about cholesterol, we forget about the impending horrors which breakthroughs in cryogenics may bring.  Hence, 1989's "The Chilling," starring Linda Blair, presents us a metaphor for the aforementioned horror story.

The Plot:  Universal Cryogenics is run by the evil Dr. Miller (Troy Donahue).  To avoid financial trouble, Miller is selling the organs of his "patients" on the Mexican black market.  Unfortunately, without hearts and kidneys, these patients will never be resurrected.  Mary Hampton (Linda Blair) is his assistant, and is unaware of his nefarious dealings.  She gets romantically involved with a client, a rich guy who just deposited his big-hearted (we actually get to see this heart before it is shipped south of the border) wife and his son (who was killed while trying to rob a bank).  Blair develops suspicions, and leaves her abusive husband one night to snoop around with her new boyfriend.

 The facility is guarded by Grizzly Adams, and during a lightning storm, the power and generators go out.  Another lightning bolt revives the corpses who are green-faced and clad in aluminum foil jumpsuits.  Now Grizzly Adams, Hampton, and her boyfriend, along with the evil doctor are trapped inside the cryogenic facility with the recently departed...who are now recently arrived.  The formerly dead zombie-like beings are not happy and seek to tear apart all the employees.  Will Grizzly Adams be able to tame zombies as he used to tame bears?  Will Linda Blair, no longer possessed, find true love with her partner, as they fight zombies?  Will Universal Cryogenics see their S&P rating plummet as their inventory walks away?  This movie will entertain you and be fodder for you nostalgia freaks (from both the 1970s and 1980s).

  Just in case you think this movie is too far-fetched for your tastes, please Google Alcor International (http://www.alcor.org/BecomeMember/tinternational.html).  Red Sox fans, who believe Ted Williams is dead, may be surprised to know his son had his head preserved at this facility.  Can't make this stuff up, friends!

My Name is Modesty, and You Better Take Notice...

I love B Movies which have a comic book feel to them.  "My Name is Modesty" (2004) is just such a film, complete with loud characters and a campy musical score.  Alexandra Staden ("The Task") portrays our heroine, and she is the epitome of glamour, clad in a sexy evening gown throughout the film.  Danish actor Nikolaj Coster-Waldau plays the evil Miklos.  He is a handsome hunk and part of us hopes that he and Modesty find a way to hook-up, even though we know she will chew him up and spit him out by the end of the film.

  The plot: Modesty manages the floor of an exotic casino in Tangiers.  She is an orphan from the war-torn Balkans.  Her mentor, Louche, owns the casino and she is his "right-hand-man."  Miklos and his gang ambush Louche in an alley, killing him, and then invade the casino.  Miklos wants to get in the casino's vault, but Modesty proves a formidable opponent.  Protecting the employees and outsmarting Miklos is her plan.  Miklos then enters a battle of wits with Modesty, promising to spare employees if she will tell him how she got her name.  Seeing this as an opportunity to buy time, Modesty goes into the story, which we see in the form of flashbacks.  As we hear her story, it becomes apparent to us that she is equipped to defeat Miklos and his machine-gun henchmen.  Unfortunately for Miklos, he is so taken with this woman, he never sees any hint of his impending doom.

   Staden is fantastic in the title role and you guys out there will have trouble taking your eyes off of her while she is on the screen.  Coster-Waldau is also terrific, and he has a story too, which enables Modesty to get inside his head with empathy.  As he looks at Modesty with lust and desire, she looks at him as a cat would view a lamb chop.  This movie is on Netflix, and proves a better way to spend your time than paying $12 to see "The Monuments Men" at your local theater.  One final note, do not be fooled by the DVD box, Quentin Tarantino had nothing to do with this movie.

Cherry Bomb, Untypical Stripper Revenge Flick

Rarely in film do you see a stripper who is....well...a stripper.  Usually these misunderstood souls are portrayed as loving mothers who need to finance their way through through graduate school so they can give their child the basic necessities.  2011's "Cherry Bomb" is refreshing in this manner.  Julin Jean plays a stripper who likes being a stripper.  She is not a mom and has no plans for an MBA in marketing.  This works well for us, as when she sets off on a voyage of revenge,  our protagonist is a vicious minded tramp, as opposed to a conscious driven grad-student/mom.

 The plot:  Cherry is just about to finish her night at the strip club when her boss asks her to entertain a private party in the back room.  She does.  Five "respectable" businessmen, high on cocaine and alcohol, want more than just a show and violently gang-rape her.  While in the hospital, Cherry realizes that the corrupt cops are not going to help her.  What is a girl to do? Easy answer....find an Uzi, a shotgun, a nail gun, a switchblade, and a vengeful attitude and make ground beef of her attackers.  With the help of her brother and her best friend Sapphire (you guessed it, another "dancer") she does a pretty good job.  Unfortunately for Sapphire, she is painfully gunned down by a monster assassin hot on Cherry's tail.

 In addition to her gratuitous measures of revenge, Cherry cleverly plays the perceived sparkling reputations of her attackers against them.  One of the fiends arrives home expecting to find his loving wife and two small children waiting for him.  Cherry already payed the wife a visit and showed her photos of what her husband did to her.  When the thug is told by his wife that he will never see his children again, Cherry lets him know where in his kitchen he can find a revolver with one bullet in it.  He immediately eats the round.

 The transformation of a perky stripper into a violent monster is a major theme of this film.  When Cherry chases down one poor sap who did not actually participate in the rape, he just failed to aid her, we expect her to cut him a slack, especially as his two small children and doting wife are with him.  Surely she won't shoot him.....right?  Wrong!  This movie is not over-the-top, as the rape scene occurs off screen.  Her battered face is seen next in her hospital room where she is healing all alone...no flowers, balloons or friends  are anywhere to be found.  The ending is exciting as she tries to finish off her rapists and the monster assassin who cut down Sapphire.  The acting is good, keeping in mind Julin Jean is portraying a stripper not a philosopher/mom.  See "Cherry Bomb" and be ready for quite a ride.

Bounty Hunters, ...And in This Corner..Trish Stratus..

I wasn't a big wrestling fan before I saw this film...but now, I just may give it a chance.  2011's "Bounty Hunters" (aka "Bail Enforcers") is a terrific straight-to-DVD flick with great characters and good acting.  Trish Stratus (WWE Hall of Fame) is terrific as Jules, but her co-stars are also fabulous (Frank J. Supancic as Ridley, and Boomer Phillips as Chase, play her two partners).  These three play the good guys, but Andrea James Lui, as Ruby the sexy Asian assassin (and assistant Director) almost steals the show.

The plot:  The movie begins with our three bounty hunters doing what they get paid to do.  Trish Stratus showcases her wrestling skills very nicely in these apprehensions, even overpowering a gym rat over twice her size.  She is a loving mom and also a cocktail waitress at a strip-joint, part-time.  Ridley is her boyfriend, and boss of Bail Enforcement Agency, and in his spare time he gives free karate lessons to under privileged kids.  Chase is a good soul from a family of cops, but a hockey injury dashed his hopes of ever joining the force.  While bringing a capture to jail, the criminal turns them onto a million dollar score.  Our trio then captures this guy in an Asian brothel in a very entertaining scene.  Bad news, a mob boss named Hal can't have this guy go to jail because if he does, Hal fears he will tell the feds all about his operation.  Hal then sends his assassins to kill the trio before they deliver their prize to jail.

The first assassin (a suave psycho) fails, but Hal dispatches Ruby (see above picture) and her partner.  Ruby is bad -a**, and impersonates a cop, and then a nurse.  She succeeds in abducting Jules, but not before a  totally epic cat-fight which starts in an ambulance and ends, a long time later, in an abandoned warehouse.  Now holding Jules hostage, Chase and Boomer must go save her.  Unfortunately, Hal is waiting for them...with Ruby.

The ending is action-packed and we are treated to another epic cat-fight between Ruby and Jules.  Stratus' talents in the ring are used brilliantly in her role as a bounty hunter.  The three protagonists play off each other well, and Lui is wonderful as a sensual, but deadly, assassin.  Next time you go to a movie night at a friend's home, bring this DVD with you.  Otherwise, you might get stuck watching "Dances With (gag me with a spoon) Wolves."