Monday, November 27, 2023

Monster Grizzly, Fangs, Claws, and Pre-Marital Sex

Remember the 80s?  Yes!  That decade seemed to have everything we wanted in horror films.  That is, except for one thing.  A steamy sex scene between Maria Conchita Alonso and Wilford Brimley.  If there were any two we ever wanted to see matched up in a steamy shower or sweaty bed, it was these two.  Okay, neither of these two are in our film today but we do have reasonable facsimiles of them.  Add in a babe cop (a plot device ruined by Sharon Gless and Tyne Daly) and we have a nice monster film. Today we look at 2023's "Monster Grizzly," directed by Richard Douglas Jensen.

It is supposed to be hibernating but a monster grizzly is rampaging through a mountain community during a blizzard. Wilford Brimley...I mean Sheriff Tom (Jensen) mobilizes his two deputies, the sultry Flower (Saporah Bonnette) and the hunk Stony (Michael V. Jordan).  Yes, Stony and Flower will engage in pre-marital sex. The killings continue and Tom calls in an expert from the university...Maria Conchita Alonso...wait, no...Giuliana (Vanessa Tamayo). She is an expert on apex predators and desires one.  She really desires one and tells Wilford...I mean Tom that he is one.  That's all he needs to hear and the two of them are engaging in pre-marital sex.  Apparently, Giuliana believes men have been feminized and are weak and wussy.  Tom is different...he's a real man and she will go to great lengths to seduce him.

I know...the bear!  It keeps killing.  Giuliana is trying to figure out why it is not hibernating or eating its kills.  Flower is trying to explain to her people on the reservation that all Indian men are dunks or drug abusers and she wants a white man.  The cute cop will get really mad when the bear shreds her aunt.  Now its personal.  More killings and more anthems about the decline of masculinity in America.  Giuliana does have some good points.  Eventually she will use her Mensa IQ to figure out the deal with this bear.  She'll even role play the bear in steamy sex with Wilford Brimley...I mean Tom.

Will the sex-starved Flower and Giuliana become sexual apex predators and give us a good catfight?  Is there any truth to the rumor that Maria Conchita Alonso and Wilford Brimley were originally cast in "9 1/2 Weeks" instead of Mickey Rourke and Kim Basinger? Is someone ever going to track this bear down and kill it?  Passion and gore abound.  Flower and Giuliana are oozing with sexual tension.  The bear is oozing homicide.  For a neat monster film and the magnum opus of Richard Douglas Jensen, see "Monster Grizzly."

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